A cut below

Some time back after a game of squash, my boy and I went back into the changing rooms of this club to take a shower and ran into an army of stark naked guys. Rugby chaps in their post-training bravado; heckling, swearing, jabbering, boisterous and self entitled, gladiators in their bags of muscles, 2% body fat and testosterone dripping down their backs.  A “sausage-fest.” Very few guys – with exception of rugby guys – can pull off the whole walk-around-buck-naked-in-the-changing-room thing. Golfers can’t even attempt it, not with their handicap.

Anyway, look, I’m straight, but I think I may have looked. I shouldn’t have, but I did. And because of this I saw a chap who was uncircumcised and I remember Stephen Spielberg shouting in my head, “Cut!”

I assumed he was Luo because traditionally we don’t circumcise. My forefathers felt that we needed that foreskin, perhaps to make the dong look longer and slightly more intimidating/impressive to the females. Hell, maybe luo fishermen used it to attract fish at night. Or perhaps they saw the male anatomy as a sword that had to be kept in its sheath to retain its lethality. Who am I to say?

But this worked great for everybody because the men only courted girls from the neighbouring Bomas. And those girls knew nothing but foreskin. But then things evolved; they sent their sons to schools in the city, to the university. By the way, when your son went to Uni back in the 60’s you had to say it in full: “Ochieng has qualified to join the UNIVERSITY to study electrical engineering.” Now with the parallel program they just call it Uni.

Anyway, their sons got an education and settled in the city because they wanted their sons to get better opportunities. But the city wasn’t anything like the village. It was a smorgasbord of diverse cultures and people. In the housing estates these guys’ sons met other sons and daughters from different parts of the country and got socialised in the different ways of life. And when they hit puberty and started chasing tail they quickly realised that actually having a foreskin was a big deal – and not in a flattering way. Suddenly it was “unpopular.” You can only imagine the cross-cultural conundrum this presented to these young Luo men.

Enter my friend who I will only call Ochang* for purposes of retaining anonymity. Ochang got circumcised last Thursday at age, wait for it, 31. (Can I have a 31-gun salute up in here?) Ochang to me is the face of how a foreskin brings out the deepest cultural peculiarities “in this our” Nairobi.

Like Ochang, the average Luo guy will more often that not find himself meeting a girl from the GEMA community. For every ten women this guy meets eight are from those sides of the hills. But on that side of the hills a foreskin is frowned upon.

Ochang met this Embu chic (apparently Embuans and Kikuyus are so different! But si they all love warus?) who really got to like him and him her. Drinks like this, lunches like this, dinner like this and she finds herself in his pad with Ochang rubbing his hands together like a goat buyer in Migori. Only that night nothing happened – apparently after heavy petting she opted to cuddle. (Roll eyes). The second time nothing happened. And the third. And fourth. And fifth. That story started to look like waiting for kamwana to visit Kondele.   Confused, he reached out to me and asked what I thought was wrong and because I wasn’t privy to his circumcision status or even thought it was the issue, I asked; “I hate to have this conversation but if we are to be honest would you say it could be because of your size?”

“Hahaha.”

Anyway, he confronted her a few weeks later and she came out and said she couldn’t bring herself to shag him because he wasn’t circumcised. (You see why I recommend a lights-off policy?).

He was like The hell!? Yeah, she said, I just can’t. Why? He moaned, will you lose your 20/20 vision if you slept with me? (OK, this part I have “added”.).

Anyway, she wanted him to get circumcised or nothing would happen. He was adamant. To punish him she kept insisting on cuddling. Finally he said, fuck it, kwani! So they broke up but a month later they were back together and he thought maybe she had read The Secret and had found peace and understanding, but nothing, she was even more adamant.

“Aii, lenga that mama,” I told him, “kwani she has what?”

Then he Whatsapped me a picture of her and I said, “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”

“No, she has to accept me for who I am,” he insisted.

“She is,” I said, “what she is rejecting is your foreskin, boss have it snipped, it takes like 40mins, we will be having whisky even before the surgeon has removed his surgical gloves.”

She is trying to change who I am, he whined. I asked him if a foreskin was really who he was. Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower? No, really, can you whistle Coldplay’s “Clocks,” with it, Ochang? A foreskin is not who you are, baba. You are more than skin and you aren’t any less of a luo with or without it. But if this is about holding the torch of our forefathers then why don’t you also remove six of your lower teeth while at it like they did? He’s a stubborn guy and I honestly didn’t think he would be bullied into doing it, least of all, by her.

But last Thursday he Whatsapped me from a hospital waiting room. He was going to do it, but not for her, he said. (Of course, of course.) He was nervous, like he was going to lose his appendix. I asked him what doctor was operating and he said a ka doctor Mathenge. I must have sent a scared emoticon because he quickly asked,  “Why, do you know him???”

No, I don’t. But of course he missed the irony of it all. I think if I was going for a surgery of that nature I would prefer a muhindi doctor, not a Luhya, Meru, Kale, Kissii, Kikuyu or Embu. I wouldn’t want to be in their hands. Literally. The level of judgement in that surgery would turn the colour of a litmus paper.

I told him: “Do not let him cheat you that it’s a general anaesthesia, it’s local anaesthesia, only your member should stay numb. If you feel your forehead growing numb or you are growing dizzy, scream the hell for help!”

“Hahaha. Why?”

“Because, if that guy puts you to sleep he will be giggling throughout the operation, and taking pictures and sending to his boys. Then you will have a group of Kuyus sitting around a table at Maxland Bar saying, ‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega…a ndumira mbica ingi tuma tiga uhii atahiki mani, iromania akiruthia mundu..ta maka kimwana giki kina ng’oni na mundu mugima wa miaka thate!’ ”

“That doesn’t sound like a compliment. By the way, I hope this shit won’t affect my sex life.”

“Other than the fact that you will last longer than your customary mind-blowing, 2-mins? Naah.”

“Hahaha. You are a bitch, Biko. Acha we speak later…Mathenge awaits with his bushuari knife.”

Hohoho! (I really thought that butchery knife part was a classic.)

The foreskin is always that elephant in the room. It’s one of those unspoken topics. Girls from the other side of the tracks make a fuss about it and we on this side think; such a storm in a tea cup, ladies!

A luo man meets a girl and all her girlfriends wonder if he is cut and all her male pals ask if he is a kihii. She might not even have given it much thought but after a girl’s night out, someone wants to know if the jaruo is circumcised. But she doesn’t know how to ask him. Or even when to ask. So they continue to go on dates. And she laughs at his jokes and bends to his suffocating charm but she wonders: Is he? Is he not? It grows harder to ask; after all, it’s not like asking someone if they like extra toppings on their pizza.

But her damned girlfriends keep prodding and egging her: “You got to find out, honey. You have to see it!” Goodness, are we carrying a rare archaeological specimen in our pants that have to be carbon-dated before dusk? And when she confirms that indeed you are cut, the look on her face is always that look of someone who has let out a good sneeze: Relief. I wonder what happens if they find you uncut. Do they look at their watch and say, “My, look at the time!” and then proceed to use the window to exit? Why the hell are women so quick to run away from the foreskin, it doesn’t bite, ladies!…I think.

It can’t be easy to get circumcised at 31. I think it takes balls. (And that’s not a pun.) Last evening as I wrote this I called 12 of my luo friends and relatives and asked if they had faced the knife. 30 per cent said they had, a few were thinking about it, the rest were unapologetic: “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; “If it aint broke don’t fix it,”; “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,”; “It’s formidable, my friend, If you want testimonials to confirm I can offer many.”

Luo braggadocio. The usual.

Ochang is healing nicely somewhere, watching National Geographic the whole day. (But not of animals mating). I asked what the Embu chic said when she saw him cut and he said he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and when she came over on Saturday night he opened the gate for her wearing only a bandage around his member. I died.

“You see why people say we are night-runners? Because of walking all the way to the gate with no clothes! You are a true romantic!”

I can’t wait to see Ochang after he has healed. He’s a loud guy; I bet he will be throwing that fact randomly in a conversation the first few weeks. I see him at a crowded bar, his drink has taken ages and him saying, “If I’m circumcised and my drink is taking this long in this bar, I wonder how long uncircumcised fellows have to wait for theirs!”

Nobody writes their circumcision status in their resume. You aren’t a better father because you are circumcised any more because you aren’t. There are circumcised men who make less money than uncircumcised men and vice versa. Are circumcised men better lovers than those that aren’t? Well, all men are better lovers in their heads, period. At the end of the day every man choses where he wants to stand and then reconciles with that choice.

But should you choose to cut you will definitely be cleaner for it. You will be much safer for it. And you might be lighter for it by about 0.35grams. But if this is all bollocks then you can also keep your foreskin, that’s all right, wuod’ ma because at the end of the day nobody has the right to stand between a man and his foreskin. At least not another man.

Ps. This was a very special tribute to my friend Ochang. You did a brave thing, no matter your “heady” reasons for doing it. Good tidings and quick recovery, baba. A bottle of Johnnie awaits when you get back on your, uhm, feet.

Side note: And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.

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176 thoughts on “A cut below”

  1. Magunga Williams says:

    “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,” Hahahahaha.

  2. mkenya says:

    Nice piece…. Lol “Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?”
    You have made my morning…. I have laughed to tears

  3. arungaian says:

    Hehehehehehheeeee… Tek manade!

  4. Viv says:

    Hahaha the humour in this piece though… I think my UG pals should read it too ahem!!!

  5. Maiki Vince says:

    ‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega…a ndumira mbica ingi tuma tiga uhii atahiki mani, iromania akiruthia mundu..ta maka kimwana giki kina ng’oni na mundu mugima wa miaka thate!’ ”

    He hee Biko, I wonder who did this bit for you here. But they lost you somewhere along the way, or maybe you didn’t get it right. This bit here should be: “…..a ndúmíra mbica ingítúma andú tiga íhíí itahíke mani, ironania akíruithia múndú…..”

  6. Beth says:

    Hilarious, ati he opened the gate wearing what?

  7. Jules says:

    hahahahaha…ati it’s not like he uses it for balance..dude you are crazy…best read

  8. Muthoni Nyaga says:

    This is easily the most hilarious piece i’ve read in a while. Ochang has made the best decision in his life!! Ps. i’m also an Embu chic:)

  9. njeri says:

    I am from the hills and it did cross my mind if he is, thank God he was so i never had the uncorfortable moment

  10. Stephen Kamau Macharia says:

    I have never commented on your blog though an avid reader. This made my day “Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?”

    Thumbs up!!

  11. farmgal says:

    Biko you’re so silly..I have chekad!

  12. Eddah says:

    Funny read 🙂

  13. Sarah says:

    Yap, kanyo nyaka ochul! A classic example of cultural differences and how they influence our actions and reactions even though we say we are modernized

  14. disqus_NPVBG99LeL says:

    Hmmmmmmm…….I dont quite deal with men from the lakes Victoria and Turkana…….or Rwenzori Mountains or River Nile….nonetheless rumour has it the ladies from the mountains are enjoying the uncut part of the movie hence the increasing inter-marriages……but again who am I….I am just a young nilote girl…..

    • ciku says:

      I am a lady from the mountain and you are soooo wrong. I am married to a guy from the lake side and he had to get the cut. We intermarry not coz of the uncut part of the movie but for love

      • Mbuina says:

        True to that, I did it for love and as luck would have had it he had faced the knife.People sneer at us but i will never apologize for overlooking beyond the tribal barriers.

  15. Linda says:

    Kwani Luo’s fish naked. “Hell, maybe luo fishermen used it to attract fish at night.” I love your articles, simply hilarious

  16. SHIRLEY says:

    Too funny and so true…..hahaha ati lights-off policy *tears*

  17. Kate Were says:

    LOL….this made my rather dull Thursday….although I think most women will attest that cut “tastes’ better…heh heh

  18. Hahahaha. Is it ever that serious? I forgot…..maybe it’s like losing
    your virginity where I come from…it has to happen, and early.

    My girls say they can’t stand the sight of man with his cap on, though. Ochang* will get it now. He just expanded his network.

  19. V_e_e says:

    I’m proud of him! Foreskin is sooooo 1985! And I’m Luo

  20. kenn says:

    Im smiling like an idiot reading this…trying very hard not to burst out in the office.

  21. Chrispines says:

    “That story started to look like waiting for kamwana to visit Kondele”
    That’s how bare humor can put a sad state!!!

  22. Shenzitype says:

    One thing Biko, you’ve made it easier for me to deal with my Luo friends…. @ 30% cut rate I’ll just apply the stat randomly and add a few traits to get the answer to the question I always have but cant ask.

  23. Danny Wasonga Junior says:

    Ochang nyaka chul omera. This piece is so hilarious.

  24. Rose says:

    This is super hilarious! “Goodness, are we carrying a rare archaeological specimen in our pants that have to be carbon-dated before dusk?”

    You nailed it!

  25. Mark Mwangi says:

    Hehe good one. I remember I was terrified myself at the thought that some guy would be waving a sharp blade around the goods.

  26. mlefu mlefu says:

    Show me your friends…………Ukuyu saying

  27. Kate Owino says:

    Still waiting for someone to translate the section in Kikuyu but hey, Biko, itieka gi the last section ^_^

    • Maratathi says:

      Translate the last section for me and I will translate the kuyu section. If we have a deal say ayeeee, if we havu not a deal say neeee

      • Vitalis Owiny says:

        And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party

        And when your are healed, ensure that you avenge all the cuddling the embu chick put you through as if you were in a pyjama party.

        • Eva says:

          The kikuyu part means ” I guess Mathenge is crazy. He has sent me photos that would make anyone other than boys to throw up. They show him circumcising someone…….(exclamation mark here!)…..imagine this ‘boy’ has a foreskin likevthat of a grown up of 30 years!!!!
          Lolest….this piece has made my day!

        • Kasuku says:

          ha ha ha ha ha ha Ngai fafa. kuja hapa!!

      • Kate Owino says:

        Aye, I see someone duly beat me to it Maratathi – hope that helps 🙂

      • ayeeeeeee..we havu a deal

  28. ☮~shira` says:

    best piece I’ve set my mind to in a long while

  29. Newton Omondi Wasonga says:

    boss,as for me and my foreskin ,they shall have to pry it from my cold dead hands..

  30. hahaha…so funny, I remember my bros going under the knife as kids, they didn’t understand then that it was for hygiene sake…I guess there are benefits to getting it done as you humorously state above..:-)

  31. letting eliphas says:

    Only the pillar and the stones become numb. Nothing else

  32. Viking says:

    Eish man, you are funny….According to WHO, you will be shocked that only about 30% of males over 15 years old have the cut globally.

  33. Viking says:

    Globally. You are funny Man

  34. Gladys says:

    Hilarious!! Is that photo up top Ochang?

  35. Ladybird says:

    I once met a man from the lake and on agreeing to go out with him, he found it most necessary to inform me that he was cut! Never lasted long enough to find out though, what a shame! Nice piece, and proud of Ochang

  36. Switmah says:

    “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.” i cant

  37. HappyMeals Kenya says:

    LOL…You know a guy is funny if you start laughing alone and loudly in a silent room.I think it’s a good thing for men just to avoid all those questions, misconceptions etc. It’s weird that once you cut nobody really cares anymore. The irony of life!

  38. Liz says:

    What a brilliant piece, I laughed so hard, circumcision is good, who wants to deal with smegma?

  39. precious-gyal says:

    Mayo mama my ribs!!!! Thuchulu!!

  40. WannaGetBetter says:

    From golfers, to Stephen Spielberg, to uni, Coldplay, bushuari and 0.35gram? You win! 🙂

  41. Daniel King'ori says:

    1man didn’t buy his rottweiler, another leaped over a fire and now one undergoes the cut.

  42. wandeo nicholas says:

    biko you never disapoint

  43. Klvn Kamami says:

    …”Stephen Spielberg shouting in your head, “Cut!”
    Waaah!! That was good…I am laughing to myself in the office like an idiot,picturing that

  44. Partisan says:

    My advise to all uncircumcised fellow men out there just get circumcised no debate about it.

  45. savvykenya says:

    LMAO haha I have loved this story!

    I don’t care if the foreskin is there one or another, but um.. BJ’s are easier without *don’t shoot me*

  46. Sharon says:

    Wish there was an emoticon I could use for this particular piece….too too hilarious and fresh.

    “Is it a vuvuzela (ok I’ve added this one) that you can whistle with when you are in the shower?”

  47. steve munyao says:

    That was a laugh and a half- boss, you are funny

  48. ukweliusemwe says:

    Oh my lawd, my ribs are done……”lights off policy”

  49. Francis Karani says:

    Biko was in a very serious meeting and someone sent me this link and I had to fight really hard not to burst out laughn..gd piece

  50. Steve G says:

    Kenyans. Genital mutilation is no joke. This man has willingly cut off for ever the most sexually sensitive part of his penis. And for what? To please an ignorant, prejudiced girlfriend. Other Kenyan men have done this for similar reasons – nothing to do with HIV – and they regret it. Why? Because the foreskin is the sensory pleasure centre of the penis and sex without it is not as good.

    • Anita Awino says:

      Steve,
      It is such a shame that we Kenyans miss the very important pont this article brings out. The cut IS gential Mutilation! Only one other Person here actualy Points out that it is a practice only done by 30% of men globally. The irony is not lost…that Tradition is actualy forcing People to get cut. And by the way…studies showing that men with foreskin are more likely to get HIV have all been correlation and absolutely no causation. There is no proof that foreskin causes HIV aids or any other disease.

  51. Steve G says:

    When genitally mutilated/mutilating people laugh at genital mutilation, it’s a defence mechanism. But it’s not funny Kenyans. This guy has lost the most sexually sensitive part of his penis to please an ignorant woman. Other Kenyan men have got cut for similar reasons, and they regret it. But it’s too late now.

  52. Ceciliah Gema says:

    Ati “roll eyes”…and that part of opening the gate wearing only a bandage. You are a crazy guy

  53. Ciku says:

    Laughed like a little girl….‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega….’ ps LightsOff is a bad idea…. much harder to ask for the cut when it finally dawns on you (no pun intended) 😉

  54. Bush says:

    Ok’ maybe you should cut it… Not like you use it for balance…. ” slaps knee in laughter… Awesome piece..

  55. Katunge_cc says:

    Hilarious…..super hilarious. Nice piece….

  56. Njeri M says:

    Oh that my boyfriend shares the same name as your doctor, Ochang’…a Jack Daniels on me for that brave deed, buddy!

  57. Nyambura says:

    Biko! Biko! This is amazing.. but keep out your nose from gals nightout convo, Eish!

  58. Austyn Machel says:

    He he he this has truly made my day. Eish Biko, itieka. The whole bloody read was hilarious.

  59. Griffin says:

    Biko, you just nailed the damn thing!!!

  60. Erica says:

    This article has killed me… what a read “Then he Whatsapped me a picture of her and I said, “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.” *dead*

  61. Pauline Ndirangu says:

    hahahaha how i love ua articles

  62. MrsMwiti.com says:

    This was a hilarious read.

  63. Njoki says:

    An absolutely rib cracking piece. Had to take a break midway to piss! Biko, you made my day

  64. Jeff Karang'ae Ngugi says:

    well done Biko..I laughed out all the air in my lungs as i read this…its a very witty technique there.. how you have handled the irony of cultures…I remember how when i reached the age of 14 – how badly i had wished i was Luo..so that i would evade the cut. But they snipped it and as they did, they lied to me that it would transform me from boy to man. And then i went to school in Uganda..and the Baganda boys always looked at my sausage and constantly asked me while we were in the bathrooms..why i had cut my sausage into half!

  65. ThisisCHITO says:

    This is hilarious! #iDie! buried! and resurrected finished…

  66. Ben Akumu says:

    Lol, Biko this killed ======> Side note: And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.

  67. anna wachira says:

    Hope he finally got some!!

  68. Angie Ndirangu says:

    “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; he he a flawless machine it is ab

  69. KagichaGirl says:

    Just catching up. This is the funniest Biko.I have laughed so hard am crying. Thank you!

  70. Phenominal Woman says:

    hahaha…lovely..and funny!

  71. funnyolme says:

    hahahhaha. you’ve made my day Biko. Just stumbled upon your blown away!!!!

  72. Patrick says:

    Biko u gonna pay for my aching ribs…. ati nyaka ochull!
    haha

  73. Fatboi says:

    its a laugh riot! The Kiuk translation part….it sounded like a certain demented cuzo of mine.Good one here , Biko.

  74. Wambo says:

    Hahaha but Biko Maxland is not such an oldies joint as u put it!
    Tell Ochang hsigirl wont leave him now

  75. Marie says:

    Love your blog.’Sausage fest’.,….It is hilarious.

  76. kale chic says:

    “…..golfers cant do it, not with their handicap..” LOLEST

  77. Elle Sonia says:

    “I wouldn’t want to be in their hands. Literally. The level of judgement in that surgery would turn the colour of a litmus paper.” Biko you absolutely crack me up haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Great piece.

  78. turkeytail says:

    ooh boy …..U guy this piece made me look like I had chewed on that Indian black shit
    too bad I couldn’t say why I was laughing

  79. Why am I just I reading this now! Biko is my favourite kenyan right now….

  80. Kolosh says:

    Biko, you just promoted Ochang’s CV big time. Now all single lady friends you have are going to try figure out who this Ochang is, and is he available? If he could go out and do that for NyarEmbu , won=men will wonder hos far he would go to take care of them.
    Ochang owes you a Johnnie.

  81. Biko in my books you are a genius

  82. Robert says:

    Whatever ur smoking Biko, keep on smoking that shit…

  83. Jimmie says:

    “It’s not like you need your foreskin for balance”… Dead!

  84. joshu says:

    hehehe…you killed it..eti “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; “If it aint broke don’t fix it,”; “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,”; “It’s formidable, my friend, If you want testimonials to confirm I can offer many.”….one day you will be sued for cracking people’s ribs..great article

  85. Walalala. Can’t stop laughing.
    Nice piece bro.

  86. anjichi says:

    Laughing till it hurts!

  87. Essie says:

    Ahahahaha i just love you Biko… and people ask me why this is the only blog i care to read!

  88. Joeygath says:

    you just hilarious man….can re-read your articles all year and still find something new to laugh about.

  89. Murei says:

    stephen spielberg shouting cut! i also died.

  90. Biko spot on. The humour killed it hapa. On a serious note, Circumsicion in men is very important. Im proud of Ochang. That is a brilliant bold decision on his part. Kudos on this.Another Johnnie Walker (this one from me to him) is in order. Did you happen to tell the rugby player swinging his manhood like a hockey stick to think of the cut? i hope the fear of sanded elbows landing on your face and using it as an armrest did not deter you.

  91. Karis says:

    true story indeed…Ochang’ has brains!Kudos to him……….

  92. Eric M says:

    Dude, I’d never read this. Hope Ochung finally got healed & held a big wedding with his girlfriend & lived happily ever after.

  93. Sly says:

    Soo… Biko, what did you see in the changing room when you went to take a shower?

    Rib cracking piece indeed!

  94. aguacamina says:

    Aheri Biko osiep ne ochango? Laughing out despite ‘re reading for the umpteenth time

  95. My friend you are the best. When a man sits in his office for extra hours just going through your articles. You know you are the best

  96. liam says:

    this piece is sick… the 31 gun salute is hillarious

  97. SalsaS88 says:

    How does this story continue… Is there a sequel! Happily ever after?

  98. getty says:

    awesome awesome awesome………………u killed it Biko…………..

  99. chalo says:

    kuf dead

  100. chalo says:

    nomah sana

  101. Mbuina says:

    Eeeeeh respect to that Embu girl for taking that long without inquiring,that was my firts question in my Q&A during our third date.Facing the knife is important in our culture and you always see the question on our relas faces that they can’t ask you directly ‘uyu mundu ni muruu hihi?’ hahahaha

  102. aleki says:

    Anga mathenge ndari kiongo kiega……man utafanya nifutwe kazi juu ya kucheka kama mwenda wazimu on a monday

  103. Teresa says:

    A story well written!

  104. Dorcas says:

    You make my day…Biko. Nice read

  105. OMG Mr. Biko! So, after reading your humorous piece, Ero’ kamano!, I thirsted to read more from you and, hence, read the above piece. As I read I thought, hey, this guy sounds familiar. So, b4 I google who you really are (and I know Kenyans think I must be living under a rock for not knowing who you are)would you, by any chance, be married to a Wanjiku or Wanjiru? I recall reading a hilarious piece in which the writer describes what it’s like to be watching the election debate in household where the husband is Luo and the wife Kikuyu. I collapsed with laughter and I’m almost sure the writer was you. Anyway, either way, I’m already a big fan! P.s. Your pieces seem addictive and I fear I may not be able to tear myself away from the computer to do the chores I need to do before going for a walk on this deliciously unusually nice summer morning. Guess everything has a price. 🙂

  106. Christabel says:

    hahahahahahahaha that kuyu part though. hahahaha Biko you brighten my days.

  107. G says:

    Me and a gay friend of mine agreed that it is a 100% better to suck uncircumcised cock. Not kidding. I don’t know what the big deal is about circumcision.

  108. Kasuku says:

    Ha ha ha ha ha Biko kae wena ngoma!!!

  109. Rouzie says:

    *high five as women do when telling their girlfriends a story* I am tickled

  110. Grace says:

    This is too damn funny..as a lady from the other side of the tracks, I can see how that could be a problem. Culture tells us it’s unclean though that might not necessarily be true. It certainly would be a challenge for me..

  111. rosalie says:

    oh my i was looking forward to read about the men in the changing room

  112. Ondigo says:

    Do you whistle with it in the shower? Who does that?? 😂😂😂
    Awesome article..

  113. Caroline Yegon says:

    Hahahaha…first time reading your posts Biko and am rolling on the floor. Awesome piece you got!!!

  114. Edna says:

    great! Biko I wish you could write about the Cut below for women.. and why we needed to completely ban it in Kenya in the next few years..the world listens to you.

  115. Wamucuthi says:

    Biko, you are a CUT above the rest! Literally…

  116. ray says:

    this machine is functioning efficiently….hahahah

  117. Shirleen says:

    Deep, hilarious and at the same time creates awareness.. I never get bored or sleep in a jav anymore. Bikozulu.co.ke!!

  118. peter M says:

    Nice Biko they should

  119. Scot says:

    Somebody made me read this again yesterday…. That side note my day….. Biko your head is screwed backwards…. Or as people from Ugenya say Wii-two…

  120. Mesaidi Mwakaribu says:

    Hahaha Biko man, you are a legend. This just did it, for lack of better words.

  121. Marcio says:

    I couldn’t agree more about getacrriis. I miss sitting with some of the elderly individuals I used to help and they would tell me stories for hours about the things that they witness when they were younger, and the lives that they lived up to the point that they needed care. I have always felt that the elderly know how to live their lives better than anyone, and they for sure never take it for granted! Sometimes the people taking care of them are not good people though, and it always breaks my heart to see someone talking badly to an elderly man or woman.I like how you made a switch from little tiny babies that have no real experience with life, to elderly men and women who have lived life to its fullest and still have more life to share with others. Such opposites!

  122. Kevin Mwango says:

    “And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.” clearly typical of Luo

  123. winniejt says:

    …..a ndúmíra mbica ingítúma andú tiga íhíí itahíke mani, ironania akíruithia múndú…..” haahahahah Biko !!!

  124. Tina says:

    It is offiical. Biko, I love you. HAHAHA!!!!
    Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?
    I asked what the Embu chic said when she saw him cut and he said he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and when she came over on Saturday night he opened the gate for her wearing only a bandage around his member. I died.

    Even me I died! LOL!

  125. redemptabisangwa says:

    honestly what can a person comment here? this is rib cracking, everybody in the world needs to read your blog ,i tell ya, everybody!! hahaha the 31 salute gun…ive also died. i loved everybit of this.You are a genius from God knows where…errrr i cant deal…let me re read this piece..kwani can i just replay? LOL i wish

  126. redemptabisangwa says:

    Lol atti can you whistle with it in the shower? but can i meet ochang? he went to open the gate with no clothes but the bandage ….. hahahahahahha this has killed me…who does that?

  127. mercy says:

    this left my ribs cracking!!.. but i recently discovered that it’s a myth that the cut reduces chances of one getting HIV, i was shocked to say the least.

  128. Juddie kristiana says:

    Nice one,you just nimecheka like afool in the office.

  129. Wahito says:

    this piece right here and ‘Yes You Are Tribal ‘ are my favorites… I laugh my head of every time. hilarious!

  130. Jennifer says:

    Hahahaha…its not like you need your foreskin for balance!! That’s a killer.

  131. Anthony says:

    Congrats Ochang. A spear should always be kept sharp. Be prepared.

  132. Reuben says:

    Whistle with it….Really Biko???
    Hahahaha

  133. Peter says:

    Did he finally got to …….with the embu girl??

  134. Shiku says:

    That last bit has made my day.how do.you incite a brother like that hehe.we can translate you know…even if we are from the hills

  135. Milanya says:

    Awuoro!

  136. Ciiku says:

    I keep reading and re_reading this.Too hilarious.I find such warm solace in your pieces Biko,they magically get my life pressures off the window.WoW.“OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”this got me rolling on the floor with laughter.

  137. Oscar says:

    Just reread this and I can’t help laughing. Back in Uni a girl almost left me because she thought I wasn’t, u needed to see her face when she figured I was…. After months of not wanting to even reach out for him

  138. leeken says:

    “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”..haha, Biko. And kumbe Embu we have fine mamas who can influence a man that much ?? That waru thing though… Not cool

  139. thunderbolt says:

    ….Ochang is healing nicely somewhere, watching National Geographic the whole day. (But not of animals mating)…..
    I die

  140. Django says:

    Hilarious! Though you avoided, like a plague, to mention whether you yourself have had the cut below.

  141. Allie says:

    Great article but it didn’t have eveityhrng-I didn’t find the kitchen sink!

  142. cheptoo says:

    i once had a partner who underwent the cut for me…. i didnt ask him to.. philanthropic of him yes… unfortunately we parted in the end.

    great read

  143. Madge Waithera says:

    I asked what the Embu
    chic said when she saw him cut and he said
    he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and
    when she came over on Saturday night he
    opened the gate for her wearing only a
    bandage around his member.

    hahahahahahahaha day totally made aaah

  144. Dove says:

    hahaha…He must have been brave and too drunk in love to even walk to the gate that way.

  145. Ann says:

    hahahaha wooow this has always beeen my fear, uzuri many are getting it removed which is more healthy..

  146. toni says:

    nice piece…hahaha

  147. Mike says:

    Male circumcision is genital mutilation because it leads to the loss of penile sensation and vaginal dryness and pain during sexuall intercourse,this is because a circumcised penis is more prone to dryness and cracking.The female genitalia is more prone to bacterial infections and odours,it is also more difficult to keep clean yet rarely does anyone advocate for the removal of specific female genital parts for health reasons.If you are a circumcised male,you fall in a minority group because more than seventy percent of the world’s male population is uncircumcised.

  148. Manka says:

    You are such a joy, Biko. A gift. Couldn’t help rereading this. Thank you for writing.

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