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A cut below

Some time back after a game of squash, my boy and I went back into the changing rooms of this club to take a shower and ran into an army of stark naked guys. Rugby chaps in their post-training bravado; heckling, swearing, jabbering, boisterous and self entitled, gladiators in their bags of muscles, 2% body fat and testosterone dripping down their backs.  A “sausage-fest.” Very few guys – with exception of rugby guys – can pull off the whole walk-around-buck-naked-in-the-changing-room thing. Golfers can’t even attempt it, not with their handicap.

Anyway, look, I’m straight, but I think I may have looked. I shouldn’t have, but I did. And because of this I saw a chap who was uncircumcised and I remember Stephen Spielberg shouting in my head, “Cut!”

I assumed he was Luo because traditionally we don’t circumcise. My forefathers felt that we needed that foreskin, perhaps to make the dong look longer and slightly more intimidating/impressive to the females. Hell, maybe luo fishermen used it to attract fish at night. Or perhaps they saw the male anatomy as a sword that had to be kept in its sheath to retain its lethality. Who am I to say?

But this worked great for everybody because the men only courted girls from the neighbouring Bomas. And those girls knew nothing but foreskin. But then things evolved; they sent their sons to schools in the city, to the university. By the way, when your son went to Uni back in the 60’s you had to say it in full: “Ochieng has qualified to join the UNIVERSITY to study electrical engineering.” Now with the parallel program they just call it Uni.

Anyway, their sons got an education and settled in the city because they wanted their sons to get better opportunities. But the city wasn’t anything like the village. It was a smorgasbord of diverse cultures and people. In the housing estates these guys’ sons met other sons and daughters from different parts of the country and got socialised in the different ways of life. And when they hit puberty and started chasing tail they quickly realised that actually having a foreskin was a big deal – and not in a flattering way. Suddenly it was “unpopular.” You can only imagine the cross-cultural conundrum this presented to these young Luo men.

Enter my friend who I will only call Ochang* for purposes of retaining anonymity. Ochang got circumcised last Thursday at age, wait for it, 31. (Can I have a 31-gun salute up in here?) Ochang to me is the face of how a foreskin brings out the deepest cultural peculiarities “in this our” Nairobi.

Like Ochang, the average Luo guy will more often that not find himself meeting a girl from the GEMA community. For every ten women this guy meets eight are from those sides of the hills. But on that side of the hills a foreskin is frowned upon.

Ochang met this Embu chic (apparently Embuans and Kikuyus are so different! But si they all love warus?) who really got to like him and him her. Drinks like this, lunches like this, dinner like this and she finds herself in his pad with Ochang rubbing his hands together like a goat buyer in Migori. Only that night nothing happened – apparently after heavy petting she opted to cuddle. (Roll eyes). The second time nothing happened. And the third. And fourth. And fifth. That story started to look like waiting for kamwana to visit Kondele.   Confused, he reached out to me and asked what I thought was wrong and because I wasn’t privy to his circumcision status or even thought it was the issue, I asked; “I hate to have this conversation but if we are to be honest would you say it could be because of your size?”

“Hahaha.”

Anyway, he confronted her a few weeks later and she came out and said she couldn’t bring herself to shag him because he wasn’t circumcised. (You see why I recommend a lights-off policy?).

He was like The hell!? Yeah, she said, I just can’t. Why? He moaned, will you lose your 20/20 vision if you slept with me? (OK, this part I have “added”.).

Anyway, she wanted him to get circumcised or nothing would happen. He was adamant. To punish him she kept insisting on cuddling. Finally he said, fuck it, kwani! So they broke up but a month later they were back together and he thought maybe she had read The Secret and had found peace and understanding, but nothing, she was even more adamant.

“Aii, lenga that mama,” I told him, “kwani she has what?”

Then he Whatsapped me a picture of her and I said, “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”

“No, she has to accept me for who I am,” he insisted.

“She is,” I said, “what she is rejecting is your foreskin, boss have it snipped, it takes like 40mins, we will be having whisky even before the surgeon has removed his surgical gloves.”

She is trying to change who I am, he whined. I asked him if a foreskin was really who he was. Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower? No, really, can you whistle Coldplay’s “Clocks,” with it, Ochang? A foreskin is not who you are, baba. You are more than skin and you aren’t any less of a luo with or without it. But if this is about holding the torch of our forefathers then why don’t you also remove six of your lower teeth while at it like they did? He’s a stubborn guy and I honestly didn’t think he would be bullied into doing it, least of all, by her.

But last Thursday he Whatsapped me from a hospital waiting room. He was going to do it, but not for her, he said. (Of course, of course.) He was nervous, like he was going to lose his appendix. I asked him what doctor was operating and he said a ka doctor Mathenge. I must have sent a scared emoticon because he quickly asked,  “Why, do you know him???”

No, I don’t. But of course he missed the irony of it all. I think if I was going for a surgery of that nature I would prefer a muhindi doctor, not a Luhya, Meru, Kale, Kissii, Kikuyu or Embu. I wouldn’t want to be in their hands. Literally. The level of judgement in that surgery would turn the colour of a litmus paper.

I told him: “Do not let him cheat you that it’s a general anaesthesia, it’s local anaesthesia, only your member should stay numb. If you feel your forehead growing numb or you are growing dizzy, scream the hell for help!”

“Hahaha. Why?”

“Because, if that guy puts you to sleep he will be giggling throughout the operation, and taking pictures and sending to his boys. Then you will have a group of Kuyus sitting around a table at Maxland Bar saying, ‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega…a ndumira mbica ingi tuma tiga uhii atahiki mani, iromania akiruthia mundu..ta maka kimwana giki kina ng’oni na mundu mugima wa miaka thate!’ ”

“That doesn’t sound like a compliment. By the way, I hope this shit won’t affect my sex life.”

“Other than the fact that you will last longer than your customary mind-blowing, 2-mins? Naah.”

“Hahaha. You are a bitch, Biko. Acha we speak later…Mathenge awaits with his bushuari knife.”

Hohoho! (I really thought that butchery knife part was a classic.)

The foreskin is always that elephant in the room. It’s one of those unspoken topics. Girls from the other side of the tracks make a fuss about it and we on this side think; such a storm in a tea cup, ladies!

A luo man meets a girl and all her girlfriends wonder if he is cut and all her male pals ask if he is a kihii. She might not even have given it much thought but after a girl’s night out, someone wants to know if the jaruo is circumcised. But she doesn’t know how to ask him. Or even when to ask. So they continue to go on dates. And she laughs at his jokes and bends to his suffocating charm but she wonders: Is he? Is he not? It grows harder to ask; after all, it’s not like asking someone if they like extra toppings on their pizza.

But her damned girlfriends keep prodding and egging her: “You got to find out, honey. You have to see it!” Goodness, are we carrying a rare archaeological specimen in our pants that have to be carbon-dated before dusk? And when she confirms that indeed you are cut, the look on her face is always that look of someone who has let out a good sneeze: Relief. I wonder what happens if they find you uncut. Do they look at their watch and say, “My, look at the time!” and then proceed to use the window to exit? Why the hell are women so quick to run away from the foreskin, it doesn’t bite, ladies!…I think.

It can’t be easy to get circumcised at 31. I think it takes balls. (And that’s not a pun.) Last evening as I wrote this I called 12 of my luo friends and relatives and asked if they had faced the knife. 30 per cent said they had, a few were thinking about it, the rest were unapologetic: “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; “If it aint broke don’t fix it,”; “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,”; “It’s formidable, my friend, If you want testimonials to confirm I can offer many.”

Luo braggadocio. The usual.

Ochang is healing nicely somewhere, watching National Geographic the whole day. (But not of animals mating). I asked what the Embu chic said when she saw him cut and he said he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and when she came over on Saturday night he opened the gate for her wearing only a bandage around his member. I died.

“You see why people say we are night-runners? Because of walking all the way to the gate with no clothes! You are a true romantic!”

I can’t wait to see Ochang after he has healed. He’s a loud guy; I bet he will be throwing that fact randomly in a conversation the first few weeks. I see him at a crowded bar, his drink has taken ages and him saying, “If I’m circumcised and my drink is taking this long in this bar, I wonder how long uncircumcised fellows have to wait for theirs!”

Nobody writes their circumcision status in their resume. You aren’t a better father because you are circumcised any more because you aren’t. There are circumcised men who make less money than uncircumcised men and vice versa. Are circumcised men better lovers than those that aren’t? Well, all men are better lovers in their heads, period. At the end of the day every man choses where he wants to stand and then reconciles with that choice.

But should you choose to cut you will definitely be cleaner for it. You will be much safer for it. And you might be lighter for it by about 0.35grams. But if this is all bollocks then you can also keep your foreskin, that’s all right, wuod’ ma because at the end of the day nobody has the right to stand between a man and his foreskin. At least not another man.

Ps. This was a very special tribute to my friend Ochang. You did a brave thing, no matter your “heady” reasons for doing it. Good tidings and quick recovery, baba. A bottle of Johnnie awaits when you get back on your, uhm, feet.

Side note: And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.

178 Responses
  • Magunga Williams
    05.06.2014

    “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,” Hahahahaha.




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  • mkenya
    05.06.2014

    Nice piece…. Lol “Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?”
    You have made my morning…. I have laughed to tears




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  • arungaian
    05.06.2014

    Hehehehehehheeeee… Tek manade!




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  • Viv
    05.06.2014

    Hahaha the humour in this piece though… I think my UG pals should read it too ahem!!!




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    • Ella
      25.02.2016

      please send it. pleaaase!




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  • Maiki Vince
    05.06.2014

    ‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega…a ndumira mbica ingi tuma tiga uhii atahiki mani, iromania akiruthia mundu..ta maka kimwana giki kina ng’oni na mundu mugima wa miaka thate!’ ”

    He hee Biko, I wonder who did this bit for you here. But they lost you somewhere along the way, or maybe you didn’t get it right. This bit here should be: “…..a ndúmíra mbica ingítúma andú tiga íhíí itahíke mani, ironania akíruithia múndú…..”




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    • Pat
      29.06.2016

      He did well though it took me meditation and yoga to get the Kikuyu




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  • Beth
    05.06.2014

    Hilarious, ati he opened the gate wearing what?




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  • Jules
    05.06.2014

    hahahahaha…ati it’s not like he uses it for balance..dude you are crazy…best read




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  • Muthoni Nyaga
    05.06.2014

    This is easily the most hilarious piece i’ve read in a while. Ochang has made the best decision in his life!! Ps. i’m also an Embu chic:)




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    • Sammy
      10.06.2014

      Muthoni Nyaga, See what you have made Ochang do!!!!!




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      • Muthoni Nyaga
        11.06.2014

        At least Dr. Mathenge had something “interesting” to talk about with the boys that day…hahaha:) Sammy,it’s for his own good!




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        • Sammy
          12.06.2014

          As you wait for Ochang to Heal, Am here to meet your needs




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          • Muthoni Nyaga
            14.06.2014

            Hahaha Sammy,i might just take you up on your offer…nione kando;)




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    • abdulrahman ndegwa
      10.06.2014

      best decision to get the cut…worst decision to go to Dr Mathenge…would probably be a topic of discussion at njuguna’s over mbuzi choma…




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  • njeri
    05.06.2014

    I am from the hills and it did cross my mind if he is, thank God he was so i never had the uncorfortable moment




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    • Wawesh
      22.09.2015

      I am too ror




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  • Stephen Kamau Macharia
    05.06.2014

    I have never commented on your blog though an avid reader. This made my day “Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?”

    Thumbs up!!




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  • farmgal
    05.06.2014

    Biko you’re so silly..I have chekad!




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  • Eddah
    05.06.2014

    Funny read 🙂




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  • Sarah
    05.06.2014

    Yap, kanyo nyaka ochul! A classic example of cultural differences and how they influence our actions and reactions even though we say we are modernized




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  • disqus_NPVBG99LeL
    05.06.2014

    Hmmmmmmm…….I dont quite deal with men from the lakes Victoria and Turkana…….or Rwenzori Mountains or River Nile….nonetheless rumour has it the ladies from the mountains are enjoying the uncut part of the movie hence the increasing inter-marriages……but again who am I….I am just a young nilote girl…..




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    • ciku
      05.06.2014

      I am a lady from the mountain and you are soooo wrong. I am married to a guy from the lake side and he had to get the cut. We intermarry not coz of the uncut part of the movie but for love




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      • Mbuina
        16.06.2015

        True to that, I did it for love and as luck would have had it he had faced the knife.People sneer at us but i will never apologize for overlooking beyond the tribal barriers.




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  • Linda
    05.06.2014

    Kwani Luo’s fish naked. “Hell, maybe luo fishermen used it to attract fish at night.” I love your articles, simply hilarious




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  • SHIRLEY
    05.06.2014

    Too funny and so true…..hahaha ati lights-off policy *tears*




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  • Kate Were
    05.06.2014

    LOL….this made my rather dull Thursday….although I think most women will attest that cut “tastes’ better…heh heh




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  • FRANKLINE MWENDA
    05.06.2014

    Hahahaha. Is it ever that serious? I forgot…..maybe it’s like losing
    your virginity where I come from…it has to happen, and early.

    My girls say they can’t stand the sight of man with his cap on, though. Ochang* will get it now. He just expanded his network.




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  • V_e_e
    05.06.2014

    I’m proud of him! Foreskin is sooooo 1985! And I’m Luo




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  • kenn
    05.06.2014

    Im smiling like an idiot reading this…trying very hard not to burst out in the office.




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    • liam
      25.05.2015

      thes part of 31 gun salute…insane!




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  • Chrispines
    05.06.2014

    “That story started to look like waiting for kamwana to visit Kondele”
    That’s how bare humor can put a sad state!!!




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  • Shenzitype
    05.06.2014

    One thing Biko, you’ve made it easier for me to deal with my Luo friends…. @ 30% cut rate I’ll just apply the stat randomly and add a few traits to get the answer to the question I always have but cant ask.




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  • Danny Wasonga Junior
    05.06.2014

    Ochang nyaka chul omera. This piece is so hilarious.




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  • Rose
    05.06.2014

    This is super hilarious! “Goodness, are we carrying a rare archaeological specimen in our pants that have to be carbon-dated before dusk?”

    You nailed it!




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  • Mark Mwangi
    05.06.2014

    Hehe good one. I remember I was terrified myself at the thought that some guy would be waving a sharp blade around the goods.




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  • mlefu mlefu
    05.06.2014

    Show me your friends…………Ukuyu saying




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  • Kate Owino
    05.06.2014

    Still waiting for someone to translate the section in Kikuyu but hey, Biko, itieka gi the last section ^_^




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    • Maratathi
      06.06.2014

      Translate the last section for me and I will translate the kuyu section. If we have a deal say ayeeee, if we havu not a deal say neeee




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      • Vitalis Owiny
        06.06.2014

        And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party

        And when your are healed, ensure that you avenge all the cuddling the embu chick put you through as if you were in a pyjama party.




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        • Eva
          07.06.2014

          The kikuyu part means ” I guess Mathenge is crazy. He has sent me photos that would make anyone other than boys to throw up. They show him circumcising someone…….(exclamation mark here!)…..imagine this ‘boy’ has a foreskin likevthat of a grown up of 30 years!!!!
          Lolest….this piece has made my day!




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        • Kasuku
          30.09.2015

          ha ha ha ha ha ha Ngai fafa. kuja hapa!!




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      • Kate Owino
        07.06.2014

        Aye, I see someone duly beat me to it Maratathi – hope that helps 🙂




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        • Maratathi
          08.06.2014

          It is okay Kate Owino. Just be around in case the need for another translation comes up




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      • abdulrahman ndegwa
        10.06.2014

        ayeeeeeee..we havu a deal




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  • ☮~shira`
    05.06.2014

    best piece I’ve set my mind to in a long while




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  • Newton Omondi Wasonga
    05.06.2014

    boss,as for me and my foreskin ,they shall have to pry it from my cold dead hands..




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  • Caroline M.A Otieno
    05.06.2014

    hahaha…so funny, I remember my bros going under the knife as kids, they didn’t understand then that it was for hygiene sake…I guess there are benefits to getting it done as you humorously state above..:-)




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  • letting eliphas
    06.06.2014

    Only the pillar and the stones become numb. Nothing else




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  • Viking
    06.06.2014

    Eish man, you are funny….According to WHO, you will be shocked that only about 30% of males over 15 years old have the cut globally.




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  • Viking
    06.06.2014

    Globally. You are funny Man




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  • Gladys
    06.06.2014

    Hilarious!! Is that photo up top Ochang?




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  • Ladybird
    06.06.2014

    I once met a man from the lake and on agreeing to go out with him, he found it most necessary to inform me that he was cut! Never lasted long enough to find out though, what a shame! Nice piece, and proud of Ochang




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  • Switmah
    06.06.2014

    “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.” i cant




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  • HappyMeals Kenya
    06.06.2014

    LOL…You know a guy is funny if you start laughing alone and loudly in a silent room.I think it’s a good thing for men just to avoid all those questions, misconceptions etc. It’s weird that once you cut nobody really cares anymore. The irony of life!




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  • Liz
    06.06.2014

    What a brilliant piece, I laughed so hard, circumcision is good, who wants to deal with smegma?




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  • precious-gyal
    06.06.2014

    Mayo mama my ribs!!!! Thuchulu!!




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  • WannaGetBetter
    07.06.2014

    From golfers, to Stephen Spielberg, to uni, Coldplay, bushuari and 0.35gram? You win! 🙂




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  • Daniel King'ori
    07.06.2014

    1man didn’t buy his rottweiler, another leaped over a fire and now one undergoes the cut.




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  • wandeo nicholas
    07.06.2014

    biko you never disapoint




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  • Klvn Kamami
    09.06.2014

    …”Stephen Spielberg shouting in your head, “Cut!”
    Waaah!! That was good…I am laughing to myself in the office like an idiot,picturing that




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  • Partisan
    09.06.2014

    My advise to all uncircumcised fellow men out there just get circumcised no debate about it.




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  • savvykenya
    09.06.2014

    LMAO haha I have loved this story!

    I don’t care if the foreskin is there one or another, but um.. BJ’s are easier without *don’t shoot me*




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  • Sharon
    09.06.2014

    Wish there was an emoticon I could use for this particular piece….too too hilarious and fresh.

    “Is it a vuvuzela (ok I’ve added this one) that you can whistle with when you are in the shower?”




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  • Emmanuel Chenze
    09.06.2014

    Hahahahaha




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  • steve munyao
    10.06.2014

    That was a laugh and a half- boss, you are funny




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  • ukweliusemwe
    10.06.2014

    Oh my lawd, my ribs are done……”lights off policy”




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  • Francis Karani
    10.06.2014

    Biko was in a very serious meeting and someone sent me this link and I had to fight really hard not to burst out laughn..gd piece




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  • Steve G
    10.06.2014

    Kenyans. Genital mutilation is no joke. This man has willingly cut off for ever the most sexually sensitive part of his penis. And for what? To please an ignorant, prejudiced girlfriend. Other Kenyan men have done this for similar reasons – nothing to do with HIV – and they regret it. Why? Because the foreskin is the sensory pleasure centre of the penis and sex without it is not as good.




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    • Anita Awino
      14.08.2015

      Steve,
      It is such a shame that we Kenyans miss the very important pont this article brings out. The cut IS gential Mutilation! Only one other Person here actualy Points out that it is a practice only done by 30% of men globally. The irony is not lost…that Tradition is actualy forcing People to get cut. And by the way…studies showing that men with foreskin are more likely to get HIV have all been correlation and absolutely no causation. There is no proof that foreskin causes HIV aids or any other disease.




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  • Steve G
    10.06.2014

    When genitally mutilated/mutilating people laugh at genital mutilation, it’s a defence mechanism. But it’s not funny Kenyans. This guy has lost the most sexually sensitive part of his penis to please an ignorant woman. Other Kenyan men have got cut for similar reasons, and they regret it. But it’s too late now.




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  • Ceciliah Gema
    10.06.2014

    Ati “roll eyes”…and that part of opening the gate wearing only a bandage. You are a crazy guy




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  • Ciku
    10.06.2014

    Laughed like a little girl….‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega….’ ps LightsOff is a bad idea…. much harder to ask for the cut when it finally dawns on you (no pun intended) 😉




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  • Bush
    11.06.2014

    Ok’ maybe you should cut it… Not like you use it for balance…. ” slaps knee in laughter… Awesome piece..




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  • Katunge_cc
    11.06.2014

    Hilarious…..super hilarious. Nice piece….




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  • Njeri M
    11.06.2014

    Oh that my boyfriend shares the same name as your doctor, Ochang’…a Jack Daniels on me for that brave deed, buddy!




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  • Nyambura
    11.06.2014

    Biko! Biko! This is amazing.. but keep out your nose from gals nightout convo, Eish!




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  • Austyn Machel
    11.06.2014

    He he he this has truly made my day. Eish Biko, itieka. The whole bloody read was hilarious.




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  • Griffin
    12.06.2014

    Biko, you just nailed the damn thing!!!




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  • Erica
    12.06.2014

    This article has killed me… what a read “Then he Whatsapped me a picture of her and I said, “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.” *dead*




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  • Renee Murrey
    12.06.2014

    Hilarious!

    http://www.reneemurrey.blogspot.com




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  • Pauline Ndirangu
    12.06.2014

    hahahaha how i love ua articles




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  • MrsMwiti.com
    12.06.2014

    This was a hilarious read.




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  • Njoki
    12.06.2014

    An absolutely rib cracking piece. Had to take a break midway to piss! Biko, you made my day




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  • Jeff Karang'ae Ngugi
    12.06.2014

    well done Biko..I laughed out all the air in my lungs as i read this…its a very witty technique there.. how you have handled the irony of cultures…I remember how when i reached the age of 14 – how badly i had wished i was Luo..so that i would evade the cut. But they snipped it and as they did, they lied to me that it would transform me from boy to man. And then i went to school in Uganda..and the Baganda boys always looked at my sausage and constantly asked me while we were in the bathrooms..why i had cut my sausage into half!




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  • ThisisCHITO
    13.06.2014

    This is hilarious! #iDie! buried! and resurrected finished…




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  • Ben Akumu
    18.06.2014

    Lol, Biko this killed ======> Side note: And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.




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  • anna wachira
    19.06.2014

    Hope he finally got some!!




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  • Angie Ndirangu
    01.07.2014

    “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; he he a flawless machine it is ab




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  • KagichaGirl
    07.07.2014

    Just catching up. This is the funniest Biko.I have laughed so hard am crying. Thank you!




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  • Phenominal Woman
    11.07.2014

    hahaha…lovely..and funny!




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  • funnyolme
    16.07.2014

    hahahhaha. you’ve made my day Biko. Just stumbled upon your blown away!!!!




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  • Patrick
    17.07.2014

    Biko u gonna pay for my aching ribs…. ati nyaka ochull!
    haha




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  • Fatboi
    04.08.2014

    its a laugh riot! The Kiuk translation part….it sounded like a certain demented cuzo of mine.Good one here , Biko.




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  • Wambo
    10.08.2014

    Hahaha but Biko Maxland is not such an oldies joint as u put it!
    Tell Ochang hsigirl wont leave him now




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  • Marie
    11.09.2014

    Love your blog.’Sausage fest’.,….It is hilarious.




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  • kale chic
    17.09.2014

    “…..golfers cant do it, not with their handicap..” LOLEST




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  • Elle Sonia
    18.09.2014

    “I wouldn’t want to be in their hands. Literally. The level of judgement in that surgery would turn the colour of a litmus paper.” Biko you absolutely crack me up haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Great piece.




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  • turkeytail
    18.09.2014

    ooh boy …..U guy this piece made me look like I had chewed on that Indian black shit
    too bad I couldn’t say why I was laughing




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  • winnietrinnyI
    18.09.2014

    Why am I just I reading this now! Biko is my favourite kenyan right now….




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  • Kolosh
    18.09.2014

    Biko, you just promoted Ochang’s CV big time. Now all single lady friends you have are going to try figure out who this Ochang is, and is he available? If he could go out and do that for NyarEmbu , won=men will wonder hos far he would go to take care of them.
    Ochang owes you a Johnnie.




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  • garang (@garang)
    21.09.2014

    Biko in my books you are a genius




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  • Robert
    30.09.2014

    Whatever ur smoking Biko, keep on smoking that shit…




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  • Jimmie
    11.10.2014

    “It’s not like you need your foreskin for balance”… Dead!




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  • joshu
    21.10.2014

    hehehe…you killed it..eti “Biko, this thing here is a flawless machine the way it is,”; “If it aint broke don’t fix it,”; “A bad workman quarrels with his tool,”; “It’s formidable, my friend, If you want testimonials to confirm I can offer many.”….one day you will be sued for cracking people’s ribs..great article




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  • Rogers Ndooli
    05.11.2014

    Walalala. Can’t stop laughing.
    Nice piece bro.




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  • anjichi
    10.11.2014

    Laughing till it hurts!




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  • Essie
    14.11.2014

    Ahahahaha i just love you Biko… and people ask me why this is the only blog i care to read!




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  • Joeygath
    29.11.2014

    you just hilarious man….can re-read your articles all year and still find something new to laugh about.




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  • Murei
    09.01.2015

    stephen spielberg shouting cut! i also died.




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  • Riako Ochieng
    19.01.2015

    Biko spot on. The humour killed it hapa. On a serious note, Circumsicion in men is very important. Im proud of Ochang. That is a brilliant bold decision on his part. Kudos on this.Another Johnnie Walker (this one from me to him) is in order. Did you happen to tell the rugby player swinging his manhood like a hockey stick to think of the cut? i hope the fear of sanded elbows landing on your face and using it as an armrest did not deter you.




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  • Karis
    03.02.2015

    true story indeed…Ochang’ has brains!Kudos to him……….




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  • Eric M
    17.02.2015

    Dude, I’d never read this. Hope Ochung finally got healed & held a big wedding with his girlfriend & lived happily ever after.




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  • Sly
    25.02.2015

    Soo… Biko, what did you see in the changing room when you went to take a shower?

    Rib cracking piece indeed!




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  • aguacamina
    26.02.2015

    Aheri Biko osiep ne ochango? Laughing out despite ‘re reading for the umpteenth time




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  • Jimmyh
    07.03.2015

    Biko…




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  • Victor Mutinda
    10.03.2015

    My friend you are the best. When a man sits in his office for extra hours just going through your articles. You know you are the best




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  • liam
    25.05.2015

    this piece is sick… the 31 gun salute is hillarious




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  • SalsaS88
    29.05.2015

    How does this story continue… Is there a sequel! Happily ever after?




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  • getty
    03.06.2015

    awesome awesome awesome………………u killed it Biko…………..




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  • chalo
    04.06.2015

    kuf dead




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  • chalo
    04.06.2015

    nomah sana




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  • Mbuina
    16.06.2015

    Eeeeeh respect to that Embu girl for taking that long without inquiring,that was my firts question in my Q&A during our third date.Facing the knife is important in our culture and you always see the question on our relas faces that they can’t ask you directly ‘uyu mundu ni muruu hihi?’ hahahaha




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  • aleki
    29.06.2015

    Anga mathenge ndari kiongo kiega……man utafanya nifutwe kazi juu ya kucheka kama mwenda wazimu on a monday




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  • Teresa
    22.07.2015

    A story well written!




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  • Dorcas
    27.07.2015

    You make my day…Biko. Nice read




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  • OMG Mr. Biko! So, after reading your humorous piece, Ero’ kamano!, I thirsted to read more from you and, hence, read the above piece. As I read I thought, hey, this guy sounds familiar. So, b4 I google who you really are (and I know Kenyans think I must be living under a rock for not knowing who you are)would you, by any chance, be married to a Wanjiku or Wanjiru? I recall reading a hilarious piece in which the writer describes what it’s like to be watching the election debate in household where the husband is Luo and the wife Kikuyu. I collapsed with laughter and I’m almost sure the writer was you. Anyway, either way, I’m already a big fan! P.s. Your pieces seem addictive and I fear I may not be able to tear myself away from the computer to do the chores I need to do before going for a walk on this deliciously unusually nice summer morning. Guess everything has a price. 🙂




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  • Christabel
    06.08.2015

    hahahahahahahaha that kuyu part though. hahahaha Biko you brighten my days.




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  • G
    26.08.2015

    Me and a gay friend of mine agreed that it is a 100% better to suck uncircumcised cock. Not kidding. I don’t know what the big deal is about circumcision.




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    • derrick
      03.09.2016

      really?




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  • Kasuku
    30.09.2015

    Ha ha ha ha ha Biko kae wena ngoma!!!




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  • Rouzie
    20.10.2015

    *high five as women do when telling their girlfriends a story* I am tickled




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  • Grace
    01.11.2015

    This is too damn funny..as a lady from the other side of the tracks, I can see how that could be a problem. Culture tells us it’s unclean though that might not necessarily be true. It certainly would be a challenge for me..




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  • rosalie
    12.11.2015

    oh my i was looking forward to read about the men in the changing room




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  • Ondigo
    22.11.2015

    Do you whistle with it in the shower? Who does that?? 😂😂😂
    Awesome article..




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  • Caroline Yegon
    24.11.2015

    Hahahaha…first time reading your posts Biko and am rolling on the floor. Awesome piece you got!!!




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  • Edna
    18.12.2015

    great! Biko I wish you could write about the Cut below for women.. and why we needed to completely ban it in Kenya in the next few years..the world listens to you.




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  • Wamucuthi
    18.12.2015

    Biko, you are a CUT above the rest! Literally…




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  • ray
    21.01.2016

    this machine is functioning efficiently….hahahah




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  • Shirleen
    28.01.2016

    Deep, hilarious and at the same time creates awareness.. I never get bored or sleep in a jav anymore. Bikozulu.co.ke!!




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  • peter M
    03.02.2016

    Nice Biko they should




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  • Scot
    05.02.2016

    Somebody made me read this again yesterday…. That side note my day….. Biko your head is screwed backwards…. Or as people from Ugenya say Wii-two…




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  • Mesaidi Mwakaribu
    05.02.2016

    Hahaha Biko man, you are a legend. This just did it, for lack of better words.




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  • Marcio
    11.02.2016

    I couldn’t agree more about getacrriis. I miss sitting with some of the elderly individuals I used to help and they would tell me stories for hours about the things that they witness when they were younger, and the lives that they lived up to the point that they needed care. I have always felt that the elderly know how to live their lives better than anyone, and they for sure never take it for granted! Sometimes the people taking care of them are not good people though, and it always breaks my heart to see someone talking badly to an elderly man or woman.I like how you made a switch from little tiny babies that have no real experience with life, to elderly men and women who have lived life to its fullest and still have more life to share with others. Such opposites!




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  • Kevin Mwango
    23.02.2016

    “And, ka ichango, or ikuo (as you guys say in Ugenya), make sure ni ichul all those days nyar Embu’ no no’keti gi cuddling ka gima ine pyjama party.” clearly typical of Luo




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  • winniejt
    25.02.2016

    …..a ndúmíra mbica ingítúma andú tiga íhíí itahíke mani, ironania akíruithia múndú…..” haahahahah Biko !!!




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  • Tina
    25.02.2016

    It is offiical. Biko, I love you. HAHAHA!!!!
    Can you whistle with it when you are in the shower?
    I asked what the Embu chic said when she saw him cut and he said he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and when she came over on Saturday night he opened the gate for her wearing only a bandage around his member. I died.

    Even me I died! LOL!




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  • redemptabisangwa
    25.02.2016

    honestly what can a person comment here? this is rib cracking, everybody in the world needs to read your blog ,i tell ya, everybody!! hahaha the 31 salute gun…ive also died. i loved everybit of this.You are a genius from God knows where…errrr i cant deal…let me re read this piece..kwani can i just replay? LOL i wish




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  • redemptabisangwa
    25.02.2016

    Lol atti can you whistle with it in the shower? but can i meet ochang? he went to open the gate with no clothes but the bandage ….. hahahahahahha this has killed me…who does that?




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  • mercy
    25.02.2016

    this left my ribs cracking!!.. but i recently discovered that it’s a myth that the cut reduces chances of one getting HIV, i was shocked to say the least.




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  • Juddie kristiana
    25.02.2016

    Nice one,you just nimecheka like afool in the office.




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  • Wahito
    25.02.2016

    this piece right here and ‘Yes You Are Tribal ‘ are my favorites… I laugh my head of every time. hilarious!




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  • Jennifer
    25.02.2016

    Hahahaha…its not like you need your foreskin for balance!! That’s a killer.




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  • Anthony
    25.02.2016

    Congrats Ochang. A spear should always be kept sharp. Be prepared.




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  • Reuben
    26.02.2016

    Whistle with it….Really Biko???
    Hahahaha




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  • Peter
    26.02.2016

    Did he finally got to …….with the embu girl??




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  • Shiku
    27.02.2016

    That last bit has made my day.how do.you incite a brother like that hehe.we can translate you know…even if we are from the hills




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  • Milanya
    09.03.2016

    Awuoro!




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  • Ciiku
    11.03.2016

    I keep reading and re_reading this.Too hilarious.I find such warm solace in your pieces Biko,they magically get my life pressures off the window.WoW.“OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”this got me rolling on the floor with laughter.




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  • Oscar
    28.03.2016

    Just reread this and I can’t help laughing. Back in Uni a girl almost left me because she thought I wasn’t, u needed to see her face when she figured I was…. After months of not wanting to even reach out for him




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  • leeken
    31.03.2016

    “OK, maybe you should cut it, it’s not like you need your foreskin for balance.”..haha, Biko. And kumbe Embu we have fine mamas who can influence a man that much ?? That waru thing though… Not cool




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  • thunderbolt
    27.05.2016

    ….Ochang is healing nicely somewhere, watching National Geographic the whole day. (But not of animals mating)…..
    I die




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  • Django
    20.06.2016

    Hilarious! Though you avoided, like a plague, to mention whether you yourself have had the cut below.




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  • Allie
    19.07.2016

    Great article but it didn’t have eveityhrng-I didn’t find the kitchen sink!




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  • cheptoo
    25.08.2016

    i once had a partner who underwent the cut for me…. i didnt ask him to.. philanthropic of him yes… unfortunately we parted in the end.

    great read




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  • Madge Waithera
    31.08.2016

    I asked what the Embu
    chic said when she saw him cut and he said
    he didn’t tell her he was going to do it and
    when she came over on Saturday night he
    opened the gate for her wearing only a
    bandage around his member.

    hahahahahahahaha day totally made aaah




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  • Dove
    06.09.2016

    hahaha…He must have been brave and too drunk in love to even walk to the gate that way.




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  • Ann
    23.09.2016

    hahahaha wooow this has always beeen my fear, uzuri many are getting it removed which is more healthy..




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  • toni
    29.09.2016

    nice piece…hahaha




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  • Mike
    08.11.2016

    is




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  • Mike
    08.11.2016

    Male circumcision is genital mutilation because it leads to the loss of penile sensation and vaginal dryness and pain during sexuall intercourse,this is because a circumcised penis is more prone to dryness and cracking.The female genitalia is more prone to bacterial infections and odours,it is also more difficult to keep clean yet rarely does anyone advocate for the removal of specific female genital parts for health reasons.If you are a circumcised male,you fall in a minority group because more than seventy percent of the world’s male population is uncircumcised.




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  • Manka
    20.02.2017

    You are such a joy, Biko. A gift. Couldn’t help rereading this. Thank you for writing.




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  • Chico
    03.03.2017

    Biko Zulu…you nearly gave me an aneurysm…i have died…..you stand head above shoulders…“Because, if that guy puts you to sleep he will be giggling throughout the operation, and taking pictures and sending to his boys. Then you will have a group of Kuyus sitting around a table at Maxland Bar saying, ‘Anga Mathenge ndari kiongo kiega…a ndumira mbica ingi tuma tiga uhii atahiki mani, iromania akiruthia mundu..ta maka kimwana giki kina ng’oni na mundu mugima wa miaka thate!’ ”




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