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Bro

He who sits on my right side -Kim – is four years old now. He has made tremendous gains as a young person. For one, he can now wear his owns shoes. But he doesn’t just stop there, he can also manage to successfully stick one leg after the other through his trousers. These are tasks that were virtually impossible to execute two years ago. Before I forget, he also owns a belt. His own belt. Can you believe how grown up that is! “Like Papa’s belt.” he says. Which means, although Tamms feels nothing for my sense of fashion, I inspire this boy. Suffice it to say, he no longer walks around in a diaper. He pees standing straight. I have peed with him in a bush once in Karura Forest. He wanted to go and when he started going at it I felt like I wanted to go so I stood next to him and together we wet the bush. (He tried unsuccessfully to peep at mine because I was peeping at his). Tamms, on her bike, stopped far away and probably thought, “Boys are disgusting.”

 

He can also read numbers and small stories. Nothing too complicated; “Tom is sitting on a chair” kind of thing. Even more impressively he can now colour within boundaries of shapes! That’s a biggie. Do you know how he struggled to do that last term? I bet he’d go to bed at night with such worry in his head, stressing about the most difficult question of his life- how does one colour within those bloody boundaries? He also discovered numbers and the world has to know about it. He knows the number of the school bus that brings him home. He will also read out every number he sees and sometimes he will test you to see if you can read numbers as well or you are just illiterate.

 

“What number is that, papa?”

 

“65.”

 

“Noo….it’s 89!”

 

“It looks like 65!”

 

“Noo, you don’t know numbers, it’s 89!”

 

“How old are you?”

 

“Four.”

 

“How old am I?”

 

“Twelve!”

 

“No. I’m 40, but I behave like 12!”

 

I say that for Tamms’ benefit, hoping she will laugh but she doesn’t. Come to think of it, all my life knowing her I have never actually heard her laugh loudly, you know like a loud guffaw, the one where you throw your head back? Never. She has chuckled loudly. She has grinned hard. She titters lightly but never have I heard her roar with laughter, the type that brings tears to your eyes. And certainly not to anything I said and believe me it’s never been from lack of effort. But it stopped bothering me, to be honest. I realised it’s not me, it’s all her. One day I told God, “Lord, have I not tried with my jokes – which technically are your jokes?” There was no burning bush or anything but I woke up one day and thought, “She will never find me amusing.” Then I found such peace in that.

 

Do you know who I discovered Tamms thinks is very funny? It will shock you. (Sounds like a Ghafla header).

 

Maqbul.

 

One day she asked me out of the blues. “Do you know Maqbul?” I asked surprised, Which Maqbul? She said, “the one for Auntie Boss and Varshita?” This was beginning of last year, I didn’t know about these TV shows. I don’t know about many TV shows. TV occupies about 9.4% of my life. Auntie Boss didn’t sound like something she would be watching. And what time was she watching these things? And what the hell was Varshita? Sounded Indian. Was this a Bhangra dance?

 

You think you know your children, right? I think kids can run an illegal logging racket from your very own sitting room without you ever knowing until one day the cops come knocking and say, “can we please speak with a lady called Tamisha who lives here, she is needed for questioning at the police station with regards to illegal logging in Kinangop.” And you are like, “you got the wrong Tamisha, officer, the Tamisha who lives her is 10-years old and probably doesn’t know what logging is in the first place!” The cop will grin like they do when they meet people who don’t know the full crime behind the story. He will show you a picture. “Is this Tamisha?” It will be a picture of your child at a forest clearing giving instructions to a bunch of guys sawing at large trunks of trees with yellow electric saws, a misty mountain in the background. You will pass out in shock.

 

I told her I knew Maqbul. “Is he your friend?” She asked with more interest than I’m used to from her. Because I wanted to feel important. I wanted her to know that I knew people on TV, I lied that yes, he was my friend. Technically he isn’t my friend, he’s a guy I know through work and other interactions. We did one overseas media trip together and we got along famously because he has a solid disposition with zero media hangups.  We belong to one whatsapp group called #309. It was set up at 3:09am after a jubilant night out in Doha on the premise that we would organise more overseas trips. It hasn’t happened, which goes to show that plans made after (some) people have had a few to drink always come a cropper. It’s one of those groups that goes on for a few weeks before someone writes.

 

12:48

“How’s everyone here?” (That’s Smriti of NTV)

 

12:53

“Alive! LOL” (That’s G-Money of Homeboyz Radio)

 

12:53

“Always a good thing! [Smiley face]” (Smriti, again).

 

12:57

“How are you” [That’s G-Money, not using the question mark because he’s a rude boy]

 

12:58

“I’m great thanks, all is good.” [That’s Smriti).

 

At this point I start typing something to say, “This exchange sounds like an excerpt of  niceties just before a commision of inquiry” but then someone sends a message.

 

13:00

“Hope you guys are having a great weekend.” [That’s Susan Wong from Lonrho House]

 

13:18

“Yeah man!” [G-Money says and I read it in a Jamaican accent because, well, isn’t he one?]

 

I want to write, “wagwan, man” but think I see someone typing a message that might take over the world, so I let my wagwan wait.]

 

14:21

“My country people! *emoji of someone raising one hand* [ That’s Maqbul not quite taking over the world]

 

So Whatsapp always has different shades of skin tone for emojis. White people people always have the first emoji of a very white person and then the skin tone grows darker and darker until the very darkest one that looks like Dikembe Mutombo’s at the very last. Yup, even as an emoji the black man can’t catch a break. We will always sit at the back of the bus. Anyway, I notice that Maqbul doesn’t use the Dikembe Emoji (that has a nice ring ey? Dikembe Emoji). He uses the one before it, which has the skin tone of Boris Kodjoe.

 

Before I can go Wakanda on Maqbul’s emoji, a message comes in.  

 

14:25

“Hello peeps *smiley face*” [That’s Ravneet Sehmi, Managing editor, The Asian Weekly somehow still using the 2007 word  “peeps.”]

 

Then it goes quiet again until March 4th when Wong wishes Maqbul a happy birthday and I say, “Happy 50th @Maqbul,” and he sends three laughing emojis and a fist pump (this one  Dikembe’s) which I take it to mean that he somehow thinks he’s not 50.

 

So yeah, anyway my point is that I’m not in Maqbul’s circle of friends but I made Tamms believe that I was. Which put me in a bit of a pickle because everytime we went to the Hub in Karen she would say, “why don’t you call your friend Maqbul to come say hello to us, you said he lives in Karen?” and I would make excuses because, come on, Tamms, people have lives outside just getting up and going to meet other people’s children.

 

I asked Tamms why she likes Maqbul and she said he was very funny. Not just funny but “very” funny. I wish I hadn’t asked because suddenly I felt nauseous. Mabul funny? Camaan, lady! One day I would pick her up from school and she would say, “check your app and see where there is no traffic so that we get home by 4.” Of course to watch Auntie Boss. It was beginning to irritate me to be honest, but remember I had spoken to the Lord and I found peace, so I did what any father would do. I did my research on Maqbul. Stalked him.

 

I would sit down and watch Auntie Boss because she loves two people in this show; Maqbul and Eve D’ souza.

 

The premise of Auntie Boss – if you live in a cave like I do-  is focused on the drama of domestic helps. They talk back at their bosses and wear their clothes. They are ridiculous. But to be fair everybody in the show is ridiculous. Varshita I learned is the spin off of Auntie Boss. Maqbul (Don) is a Kikuyu who is married to Eve D’Souza (Varshita) an Asian. The Indian family – opposed to this relationship – has planned for Varshita to marry a nice Indian boy called Manish. (Are there any Indian boys called Manish who aren’t nice?). Don’s family also have plans, they want the two to marry because they have a construction project on a ka-prot that has been stalled for years and they are hoping the marriage of the two will kick-start it because culturally Indians girls pay the men dowry, right?

 

After watching it I was happy to find out that Don/Maqbul isn’t funny at all in those comedy-drama shows. Maybe I watched it with some tinge of jealousy and my review is biased but he isn’t funny. He’s silly, at best. Second, Eve D’souza who Maqbul is married to in the TV series, is psychotic, a complete looney. It’s amazing she hasn’t killed Don which goes to show that Don’s mom really prays for him. Tamms finds both of them hilarious!

 

I just don’t get it.

 

But every girl in her class watches these two TV shows, she says. And they talk about it the next day during break. They recount scenes and they laugh. She probably told her friends that her father and Maqbul are best friends and now everybody thinks she’s cool. They probably share their pizza and cookies with her and they want to sit next to her in the bus. (And not at the back).

 

One day when we were driving from school she told me without notice, “can you call Maqbul?” I wasn’t even prepared with an excuse. So I reluctantly called Maqbul and put him on the car’s bluetooth speakers. It rang and and continued to ring. Then I started praying that he picks because if he doesn’t I would lose my credibility. How do I claim I’m friends with Maqbul when he doesn’t pick my calls? Lord, I said, if you are going to make one person in the world pick their call right now, make it Maqbul.

 

It rang for some more until  his machine picked it and I hung up.

 

I don’t know how to describe what happened right after I hung up because the silence that ensued after the ringing phone stopped was like a deep valley filled with mistrust. A silence of failure. I knew what she was thinking because I know what I was thinking;  that I lied. I didn’t know Maqbul. We weren’t not friends. I felt like a groupie. I have two voices; I have my usual everyday voice, then I have my fatherly voice that I use once in a while near the kids. My fatherly voice says I’m wise and I know many things and I know what I’m doing. My everyday voice is just a winging it voice. With my fatherly voice I said, “He is in a meeting. He will call back.” I said it in a way that wasn’t refutable. It’s a voice that said that I knew what not picking calls was a fatherly thing that she was too young to comprehend.

 

Then I prayed again. I prayed that Maqbul’s calls me back. I said Lord, this is your child here, and this is important, very important that he doesn’t lose his credibility. Make that Maqbul guy call darned back!

 

Three minutes later, Maqbul called back. Boy, did I pick that call fast! Ha-ha. It was like a money-call. He said in his Maqbul voice, “hey bro?” I looked at Tamms with that look of, See? See? He called me bro! Bro!!! We are bosom buddies! I had never been happier to be called back.

 

I said, “I’m good, BRO! [ha-ha], how’s it?”

 

“Good, good, keeping well?”

 

“Oh yeah, staying afloat. Listen, my daughter, Tamms is a big fan, she wanted to say hi.”

 

“Oh is that so, put her on!”

 

“Oh she can hear, she’s on speaker!”

 

I then looked over at Tamms who suddenly looked much smaller in her seat. I think she was tongue-tied. She always speaks so softly, but this time I couldn’t even hear a word she was saying. She managed a very feeble “hi.” Ha-ha. A mousy hi. I bet she couldn’t believe that she was talking to MAQBUL! Even more important I bet she couldn’t believe that her father knows someone FAMOUS! I hoped she never forgets this big favour I did her. And that’s the thing with children, they only remember the bad things you did, they can’t remember the day you introduced her to important people on TV!

 

Anyway, they had this very brief conversation that I don’t remember. I bet later at night she replayed that conversation and asked herself, “the hell was that not-being-able-to-speak all about? I behaved like a child! I should have asked him if he likes banana fudge cake!”  That night I slept with a smile. I felt accomplished. My deed as a father was done.

 

Over last year, she would ask me randomly about Maqbul; if he has children, if all he does is act on TV; how we met. Personally I would catch glimpses of Maqbul on his show and I would get puzzled each time that Tamms found this guy funny. But the thing I realised much later with the two shows is that if you watch three episodes they will infect you. They are a mix of slapstick and some deceptively simple plot twists. There is a character called Mayweather whom I find funny but only because he has a luo accent and panders to the stereotype of a learned Luo with big vocabulary. Tamms doesn’t find him funny. I bet he annoys her. She once asked me why he speaks like that and I told her, “well, that’s the Queen’s accent.” She didn’t find that funny. Clearly our sense of humour is different. I can’t say where she got hers from. Quite possibly my younger sister. Or it could be traced to Murang’a. What do I know?

 

Recently I was telling a friend of mine this story of Maqbul and she said, “that’s a crush, Tamms has a crush.” I said, “a crush my ass. You are mad!” she said, “Yup, she likes him.” I said, “Bullshit, she likes me!” She said, “No, she tolerates you. But she likes him.” That night I sat in darkness and thought long and hard what Niccolo Machiavelli would have done in this situation. The idea marinated for many months.

 

Last week I raised Maqbul and said, Listen, what does it take for you to meet my daughter? I will drive for a whole day to bring her to meet you and get some peace. He said, Hehhe. No problem bro problem bring her Saturday, I will be shooting at Peponi Spring.

 

You can see through my plan now, yes? I was secretly hoping that she would meet him and think, “aarh, he is a human being!” then move on from that story.The next day we all drove down to Spring Valley. Tamms had no inkling. I didn’t tell her, otherwise she wouldn’t have slept. She would also probably have taken years picking her clothes, her being ten years old. I bought her these lovely silver shoes in SA but she didn’t wear them. She wore these other lovely sandals I bought her (I have a thing for female footwear (and toes), by the way. My taste in female shoes is above the acceptable straight levels). Before we left the house I told her, “Tamms, you don’t want to wear your silver shoes?” She said, Nah, so I wore my hat and out we went.  

 

The location of the shoot is a big lone house up a winding driveway framed with open greenery and trees. It’s what you people love to call “leafy suburbs.” We arrived circa 12:30, by this time Kim was already bored and ready to eat his sweater. Tamms was wondering what we were doing there, I said to meet my friend briefly. When we got to the door Tamms said, “this is Varshita’s house!” I pretended, “What? Are you sure?” She said “yeah!” looking around. There were numerous shoes at the door without their owners. We tiptoed in, with her walking like she was entering a shrine. Maqbul was running late so the producer called Lucy Mwangi offered to show us around the set. She was nice. Tamms also said she was nice. I haven’t watched Varshita so I didn’t know who Mrs Bhatt was, Varshita’s mom. She was in a room before her makeup to make her look 100 years old. (“As you can see, she doesn’t need make up for that,” Lucy said). We also met Mr Bhatt who is in his 20’s before makeup. He had a wig on and shades and he looked like a Bollywood star who is yet to discover that he has drug problems.

 

Tamms asked to see Varshita’s bedroom perhaps hoping she would find Varshita in there devicing her latest plot of world domination. We poked our heads inside rooms. The crew was setting up a tattoo parlour. There were lights and camera and important looking artistic chaps in various unconventional hairstyles and beards, peering at scripts. Technicians fiddled with lights. We saw a bathroom that had been converted into a production room with massive computers. Everything was done by these set production people who make everything believable. TV is one big deception. TV is make-believe. TV is a magic. And Tamms ate it all up. I suspected she was amazed. I say suspect because she never gives away any emotion. The ice-queen.

 

Anyway, Maqbul finally drove in like a rock-star, shades blocking the sun from his eyes. Tamms acted as cool as she has always been. She didn’t scream, or yelp or palpitate. Maybe she screamed inside, but outside she was a solid lady. She grinned hard and she acted like it wasn’t a big deal, that she meets famous people on TV all the time. They chatted a bit, Tamms barely using her full vocal range, Maqbul proding, smiling, laughing. Then I took a photo of them all. Then Maqbul and Lucy had to go inside and start shooting. Lucy then handed the children biscuits. I wasn’t given anything. People always just assume that fathers don’t want biscuits. And it’s unfair. It should stop.

 

Driving out I asked Tamms what she thought of Maqbul. “He’s a bit different,” she said. I asked how different. “A bit small,” she said. I wanted to giggle but I was wearing my fatherly hat, so I said TV makes people bigger, when she asked me why, I said I wasn’t sure. “He also has less beard than on TV.” I didn’t want to discuss how much beard Maqbul had, besides I have more beard than him so I instead asked if she found him funny. She said, “He looks funny.” I was happy for a moment then I asked, Looks funny? What do you mean? “Like he can make someone laugh.. Like he is a funny person.” I rolled my eyes. I didn’t ask any more questions.

 

But it’s nice when people do nice things for your children, isn’t it? Because they really don’t have to. Everybody has better things to do that amuse other people’s children. So it’s a very nice thing to do because it means the world to the children. Thank you, Lucy, for taking time off your schedule to show us around and for assuming I don’t want biscuits. Re-evaluate your life, please. Thank you so much, Maqbul for being very gracious with your time to make my daughter happy and also build my street credibility. May you ever continue to soar. Most importantly thanks for being the funny man I’m not in her eyes.

Credits Image source https://bit.ly/2qjtJY3

153 Responses
  • RightAngledCircle
    10.04.2018

    Soon Kim will get to high school and he’ll start dating girls and you will be proud ,however when Tamms meets boys will you be proud ?

    Hey gang check out this piece. https://rightangledcircle.wordpress.com/2018/04/02/funkie/




    6
  • Gia
    10.04.2018

    Tamms is my spirit friend.




    8
  • abdullah omar
    10.04.2018

    you will never grow up be as old as methuselah but you will ever be Timm’s age competing with him whose projectile
    goes the furthest!and the funny thing is i like it that way!




    3
  • TheBlackKennedy
    10.04.2018

    Must be nice to do things together with your son like peeing in bushes , right?

    Anyway, did NTV pay you to promote “”Auntie Boss” ?

    Asking for my sister who really loves the show




    38
  • Karyah Margaret
    10.04.2018

    The things kids put parent’s through. My niece loves Auntie boss too, haven’t understood what’s so funny about the show till today.
    Let me continue postponing having kids because if that’s the life i will end up being a serial liar, who I’m i not to look cool in my kid’s eyes.




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  • RUTH
    10.04.2018

    “People always just assume that fathers don’t want biscuits. And it’s unfair. It should stop.” Hilarious




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    • I like biscuits
      10.04.2018

      Reevaluate your life, please. Hahaha!




      25
      • Lesobet
        11.04.2018

        Isn’t it a puzzle how proud dads are when their sons fall in love and how ‘upsetting’ it is when their daughters fall in love? The other day I pointed to my cousin how pretty his 3 year old daughter is. ‘I bet boys will be fighting over her when she becomes a teenager!’ ‘No. Huyu anakaa nyumbani. She is going nowhere!’ He replied in this stern, resolute voice…




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    • nobert jman
      11.04.2018

      there you have it.




      0
    • Brandonay
      12.04.2018

      Biko has a point here. Why do people always have to make the assumption that dads don’t need biscuits? This is agism at its peak?




      1
  • Kanyi
    10.04.2018

    LOVE THIS!!!




    2
  • Rosko
    10.04.2018

    Nice one!

    Speaking of hats…were you Biko at some cafe..ChelC, keddo 6 there on Sato…just curious…




    3
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    10.04.2018

    If it is any consolation, I think Auntie Boss is creative. I know because I have seen snippets of its adverts on TV. In fact there is a big chance I will look for the writer behind the show and get an autograph. Writers are underrated. I cannot wait to get a professional writing gig and rub it down everyone neck that I write. I think actors are fine too. Akina Maqbul. Tamms is well justified in geeking over an actor. Will she decide to become one? The fact that she doesn’t find you funny could be a pointer that she is way funnier than you. I never found my dad funny. And I know I am definitely funnier than him. I can almost predict the little man will grow weary of your jokes. But hey. maybe the missus will always find them funny. Women are supportive and shit.




    92
    • derrick
      10.04.2018

      i didnt read all your comment and shit.i just read women are supportive and shit.Then i liked the shit pap!




      51
      • Mushie
        10.04.2018

        Haha…this had me laughing and shit




        18
      • Vicky
        12.04.2018

        The shit is this? Y’all are funny and shit.




        6
        • gil igabe
          19.04.2018

          No shit…




          4
    • The Granny's Corner
      10.04.2018

      Just how much do you love your life my friend? Nobody says women are shit even if you have put out a thousand and one complimenting words before and after. Nobody lives to tell the story. That was the last thing I said in my last life. And after reincarnation, I live to pass on the lesson. So you know what to do? confession….”Forgive me, father, for I have sinned….”

      Tamms runs it her way. She pulls the strings of the dad. Till kingdom come.




      20
      • Vicky
        12.04.2018

        He didn’t say women were shit. He said they were supportive and shit… good shit.




        3
    • Nava
      10.04.2018

      Cruel truth…




      1
  • Tash
    10.04.2018

    haha, kiwaru




    5
  • Josephine
    10.04.2018

    I was grinning the whole time I read this story. Tamms is such a lady!




    8
  • Sal
    10.04.2018

    Every time you describe Tamms personality, I feel like you are taking about a young Martha Karua. I hope no law suits will emerge from this sentence




    69
    • Abby Miranda
      11.04.2018

      well, atleast she aint telling her frindsthat maqbul is her dad. youre safe. and kinda funny,. i find you funny. Tamms will come around




      4
  • Getrude
    10.04.2018

    I think your relationship with Tamms will be better when she grows up.She will realize how much you have done for her and the treasure you are as a father.Dont sweat it.Be patient.




    18
  • Diana
    10.04.2018

    Don’t I just love Tamms . ooh and sorry Biko ,why do people always assume kids don’t take Wine …in a nutshell” lanes”…Good read




    26
  • Cyn Asito
    10.04.2018

    For some reason,this made me tear up a little. Tamms reminds me so much of my son Zeke.




    2
  • Muigai
    10.04.2018

    Waoh…Biko this is a nice one..ive laughed all through…that part of the silver shoes….wueh..keep uo Biko.God bless




    5
  • Muigai
    10.04.2018

    Waoh…Biko this is a nice one..ive laughed all through…that part of the silver shoes….wueh..keep up Biko.God bless




    1
  • Riri
    10.04.2018

    Biko!!! You make us all want to meet Tamms! I suspect she isn’t as cold, you just exaggerate.




    16
  • vinny
    10.04.2018

    tamms and varshita seem to have a thing in common..lovely read always




    1
  • Jefferson
    10.04.2018

    Maqbul, the main man.
    He is funnier in radio though




    12
    • Cyn Asito
      10.04.2018

      Kabisa




      0
  • Kadonye
    10.04.2018

    I got so excited when I saw Kim’s name. I like your ‘papa stories’. And Auntie Boss is hilarious – Ciiru wa rugongo is my spirit animal. Tams sounds a lot like you though – like she got 90% of your personality.




    15
  • P K
    10.04.2018

    Ice . We vanquish the world.




    1
  • Wairimu Just Wairimu
    10.04.2018

    Yap.. that’s definitely a crush!




    0
  • Bumble Bee
    10.04.2018

    I laughed so hard! For a minute you sounded like a jealous ex boyfriend, but see the peace through your eyes because her happiness is what’s important!
    Aye aye Maqbul!




    20
  • Zay
    10.04.2018

    haha enter the Ice Queen. I legit look forward to your narration of Tamms. From way way way waaaay back, I’ve always been fascinated with the father-daughter relationship you write about. So when I scanned and saw the name Tamms, I knew yass! Today is the day. I have laughed out loud at this post, smiled so hard till I got to the end and realized this is ‘father-daughter goals’.
    Murang’a people and your sense of humour *or lack of* ☺☺ kaeni karibu na gate on your way out.




    12
  • Karimi
    10.04.2018

    Awesome read. Our kids too are fans of Auntie Boss. Tamms will forever treasure this moment. Meeting her TV idol.




    2
  • Its me
    10.04.2018

    Am on your Tamms side…Don and vashita are really funny..




    3
  • Githinji Mwaniki
    10.04.2018

    fatherhood articles were always the best, always. We should get more of these.
    let’s not discuss that kipindi today!!




    18
    • Emmah Njoroge
      11.04.2018

      I could use tips from the ice-queen on keeping up that poker face. If I wasn’t already an adult with a young one I would have nagged my dad for a one on one with Tamms since dads would do anything for their daughters.

      …agreed those two are silly.




      0
  • Mushie
    10.04.2018

    Wueeh..This had me laughing so hard!!
    Tamms is really the Ice-Queen. Yaani she doesn’t laugh at your jokes?She is missing out on aloooooot..
    haha

    Grown ups(Fathers) i.e Biko should also be given biscuits.I wonder why people(Lucy) think those are kids’ stuff..Its heartbreaking.




    5
  • Dickson
    10.04.2018

    The other day I was wondering aloud on these social media streets, asking how long it takes for the kids to realize we ain’t all that.

    Tamms gets me worried that it might be too soon. Especially since I can’t pick up the phone and raise the Maqbuls of the day when my son asks about them.

    I’m a very worried man, peeps.




    8
  • Legug
    10.04.2018

    Why do they assume that fathers don’t want biscuits, by the way?




    2
  • Kimani
    10.04.2018

    After reading the word Maqbul for whooping 39 times I wondered where the title “Bro” came from. Then I remembered the call back. A nice piece Bro.




    3
  • Pauline
    10.04.2018

    Tamms definitely has a fan girl crush. Lucky for her you can deliver on her little fan girl dreams. How cool is that?.




    1
  • Sanaipei
    10.04.2018

    I have this vivid image of Tamms from your numerous description of her. She strikes me as no-nonsense kind of girl who sits in a corner inwardly rolling her eyes at those who laughs at your jokes and probably think—he ain’t that funny. But then again, she is your daughter and somebody you’ll be the measure in which all men in her life will be measured. We girls do that.




    5
    • Joji
      10.04.2018

      I think Biko has chosen to paint the picture of Tamms as a no-nonsense girl as a tactic of keeping the team mafisi away quite early…..Tamms must be so cool, I guess.




      8
  • Nyawira
    10.04.2018

    Biko, even though Tamms doesn’t find you funny, I hope she is aware that you’re a very committed in your role as a daddy.




    1
  • Ardent Fan
    10.04.2018

    Thank you, Lucy, for taking time off your schedule to show us around and for assuming I don’t want biscuits. Re-evaluate your life, please.
    ….woooiye!!! Biko, be nice.




    3
  • Ann
    10.04.2018

    Biko… you have got me. So I’m not alone in this struggle with Varshita and Auntie Boss. Never been a fan, but now, I have been forced to follow the two shows and I kinda enjoy them. My boys, 12, 10 and 8 are die hard fans. I never understood their obsession with them, but now, got no choice. And the laughter in that house when they are watching, you’ll think they’re high on something!




    4
  • Florence Katono
    10.04.2018

    Biko I was wondering where the Maqbul plot would lead. As a parent, I know somethings feel silly. I have found myself on the other side of town looking for my daughter’s friend whose phone number she don’t know. ”Oh mum she said I should meet her at the building called…… I have sat idly at birthday parties just waited for the girls to play with their friends. I have been to places I would rather not. Parenting teaches a lot. The trip to bro Maqbul is one such demonstration of the things love can drive us to. Greetings to Tam. Fathers do not eat biscuits.




    15
  • Biegon
    10.04.2018

    I have the biggest crush on varshita. TAMMS IS JUSTIFIED. AS USUAL, GREAT READ BIKO!




    0
  • ted
    10.04.2018

    But it’s nice when people do nice things for your children, isn’t it? Because they really don’t have to. Everybody has better things to do that amuse other people’s children. So it’s a very nice thing to do because it means the world to the children. True




    5
  • Kalekye
    10.04.2018

    Your fatherhood posts are amazing and the way you write.
    Well,since we are taking about crushes,just like Tamms..mine is for this blog.never missed a post since I found it,revised the old ones too lol.The stories here are so real and full of life.




    12
  • “But it’s nice when people do nice things for your children, isn’t it? Because they really don’t have to. Everybody has better things to do that amuse other people’s children. So it’s a very nice thing to do because it means the world to the children.”
    It really is. Nice that Maqbul went out of his way to make Tamms happy. Those moments are encased somewhere in Tamms memory, and that is important.
    The more kids grow and know, the more they feel we are less knowledgeable than them. My 11yr old gets shocked when I mention some celebs. She probably wonders when “I learnt all that..” I suspect it is because she knows how to use snapchat and I can’t figure it out.




    5
  • Kalekye
    10.04.2018

    Your fatherhood posts are amazing and the way you write.
    Well,since we are taking about crushes,just like Tamms mine is for this blog,never missed a post since I found it,revised the old ones too lol.The stories here are so real and full of life.




    2
  • Shilla
    10.04.2018

    Biko you are just the best 🙂 This is one of my best reads this year! You even made me read out loud like i was reading to a group of people sitting around me, yet i was alone. I felt like reading silently wasn’t bringing out the proper feelings/emotions that this piece deserves. Thanks for making me an actor (to myself) for a few minutes (insert three laughing emojis, then a fist bump emoji-the ones that have the skin tone of Boris Kodjoe)




    6
  • Marete
    10.04.2018

    `He tried unsuccessfully to peep at mine because I was peeping at his`…..He he he.




    1
  • ST
    10.04.2018

    “Thank you, Lucy, for taking time off your schedule to show us around and for assuming I don’t want biscuits. Re-evaluate your life, please”

    Profound 🙂 I teach Sunday school and I always feel left out when the kids are being given biscuits and well, all adults are skipped. Because we don’t deserve biscuits haha.




    5
  • Tina
    10.04.2018

    Wow. I really laughed today, and I had missed a story of Tams & Kim; They are great kids. Seems you have a tough lady/ daughter there Jacko. Wish she could find you funny like Don. Let it not worry you though. A prophet is not honoured in his own country/home. Tams may never appreciate your sense of humour,but the gang does.
    The peeing part, really? ahaha, seems the young man picked the curiosity traits from where (Each one trying to peep at the other’s)




    3
  • Dee
    10.04.2018

    why do people assume that grown ups do not want biscuits hahahha so true , i cannot stop laughing




    0
  • @clif_the_tall
    10.04.2018

    I thought I was the only one obsessed with Auntie Boss. My favourite actor in that show is Siprosa. She got this attitude that screams ” utado what??” Plus her thick luo accent just does it for me. How could i forget about Ciku? She is supper funny as hell! Tamms got taste, be like Tamms.




    14
  • Ken Kago
    10.04.2018

    What a great feel-good read!
    But are kids are adorable, aren’t they? Except often times, we give them so little credit. If we are honest, kids and people a lot older than us are probably the best company we may yet have …….any day! And of course, the Maqbuls of this world because, well, they know kids are precious and are willing to give of their much valued time to meet an acquaintance’s little girl! Which is to say, it is time Maqbul graduated … to being your friend. Even when a slightly grown Tamms won’t find him funny any longer!
    You wouldn’t guess what my nephew, 6 years old, asked me two weeks ago! I will probably write about it one day …… if Jacko would be so kind to lend me a small percentage of his prose!




    2
  • Wanjiku
    10.04.2018

    “He had a wig on and shades and he looked like a Bollywood star who is yet to discover that he has drug problems.” :)) Biko, my ribs hurt!!! You’re a good dad, raising an awesome young lady. Your street cred went waaaaaay up! imagine what she told her friends in school after that visit! *fist bump*




    3
  • Eunice
    10.04.2018

    Nice read. Most parents yearn for that “street credibility”, you are not alone.




    1
  • Adhiambo Natalie
    10.04.2018

    I have always found maqbul funny..




    1
  • Omar
    10.04.2018

    Wow! it was an awesome piece as usual. C’mon am sure some of you daily readers of Biko’s post will agree with me that,behind the scenes of this daily Tuesday post will really want to meet up with Biko,Tamms and Kim and just have tea together at Java and offer Biko some Biscuits.*laughs* Biko I like the fatherly side of you and you in General bro. Nice piece.




    5
  • David Mwenda
    10.04.2018

    first of all congrats to Kim who can now wear his shoes correctly I struggled until I was 5. also Lucy should have given you biscuits you seemed hungry eeh? Maqbul is such a niice person he did not have to do that but he did and there is a special place in heaven for him.
    Side note Tamms has a crush on Maqbul a BIG one. see you next week I guess hehe sounds like a TV show good bye




    0
  • ANGIE NGUGI
    10.04.2018

    Your comment*Biko you’re those people on Watsapp group chats that are always typing but never send shit So annoying




    1
  • Mary N.
    10.04.2018

    my son loves watching Varshita and Auntie boss just because of Varshita
    Eve d’souza and Maqbul whom am now finding hilarious as i have to watch these two with him.




    0
  • June
    10.04.2018

    My daughter who is four moved from Auntie Boss to Selina…I wonder what made her change her taste from househelp drama to lovey dovey drama…although Selina is also a househelp so I think they relate more to those shows since they spend time with them the most…look at her mom been all analytical hehe.. Been a parent, mtu huona mengi(one sees alot hehe) and one actually enjoys the journey, it’s a privilege to be a parent and we should never take those silly moments for granted… and yes parents don’t eat biscuits though we whisper in our children’s ears to share those biscuits before they rat us out!!!




    1
  • Gerh Allan
    10.04.2018

    you`ve got grace or is it fatherhood.May you sour too in raising Tamisha to be the lady she ought to be.




    0
  • Michael Inioluwa Oladele
    10.04.2018

    Kids always have their way. Chill, Biko. Tamms might find you funny in the future.




    0
  • Wanjiru
    10.04.2018

    I too am a fun of aunty boss




    0
  • Tracy
    10.04.2018

    Hi Biko
    sometimes, you make me laugh like my father did 🙂 (P.S i still use this smiley:) and peeps)




    0
  • Sash
    10.04.2018

    I got hooked to Auntie Boss because of my son and DM, they would die if you changed channels when they’re watching LOL… I love Varshita, i like the fact that she pushes limits from the cliche local programs and she’s not afraid to look like a psycho. Biko i’ll have you know Maqbul is very funny; I first saw him acting on another local show in KBC called Reflections with TerryAnn Chebet and that’s when i first “fell in love with him”.




    1
    • Chilli
      10.04.2018

      Reflections! I loved that show. Yep, that was our first ‘taste’ of Maqbul




      0
  • Karis
    10.04.2018

    Girls will always be girls you start by asking your girlfriend whats wrong she replies am okey,you go next to your wife and ask her whats wrong but she says she is okey and finally after the daughter comes the same story but we hve to deal with it a s men……




    0
  • MissAkinyi
    10.04.2018

    Don, Varshita and Mayweather…so so funny. Kwanza Mayweather and his house manager does it for me.




    0
  • Nyambura
    10.04.2018

    I haven’t laughed like this in a long time over your blog, Ngai! You continue to inspire me. It’s cliche coming from me but your talent will always humble me.




    0
  • Eric Ithalii
    10.04.2018

    For Aunty boss my wife is a fun too…did not realise why at 1st but after watching 3 episodes i was hooked up to.
    Biko thanks for “marking the Karura trail territory”




    0
  • Lyani
    10.04.2018

    “Most importantly thanks for being the funny man I’m not in her eyes.” This brought tears to my eyes.




    0
  • Philsoft
    10.04.2018

    Good read always. I subscribed to Drunk but does not open. Can I get the PDF?




    0
  • NJOKA
    10.04.2018

    “Thank you, Lucy, for taking time off your schedule to show us around and for assuming I don’t want biscuits. Re-evaluate your life, please”This is too funny!!!!!!!Amazing!!!! I love it!!!




    0
  • Paul
    10.04.2018

    Maqbul is funny! He cracks me up every time. And now it turns out he is also very kind and gracious. Bless him.




    0
  • Mercy
    10.04.2018

    First..Happy 50th @Maqbul,” and he sends three laughing emojis and a fist *pump*… Is your editor luhya.? Haha.

    It gives me joy to see that we finally get a Tamms story. You do listen to our suggestions… Thank you!

    And Tamms doesn’t think you’re funny because your jokes are mature jokes…she’ll get there.




    0
  • Abdulhakim
    10.04.2018

    I find people with the name kim just adorable I don’t know is it because the short form of my name is Kim too or.
    Anyway as old as I am I find Auntie Boss to be one great TV show and I think Tamms is right for thinking Maqbul is funny. Personally I like him together with Ciru




    1
  • Tabby
    10.04.2018

    Lovely read as usual Biko. Kids are just adorable, I love the fatherly side too.




    0
  • Kwamboka
    10.04.2018

    I have laughed so hard at this article. I watch Auntie Boss because my 2 and a half year old daughter loves it. Her favourite character is Shiro wa Rugongo.




    1
  • mak
    10.04.2018

    I also had a crush on Varshita until recently she did a scene where she farted and everyone knows ladies don’t fart. So not its over between us!!




    6
    • Eve D'Souza
      10.04.2018

      and I’ve laughed so hard I almost did it again! Lol this has made my day! Much love




      15
      • mak
        10.04.2018

        OMG its you Varshita! I take back everything. Can we start afresh…….




        5
  • Judy
    10.04.2018

    Your kids will turn out great Biko, because you are present, funny or not (mostly not, according to a little lady who would know) 🙂




    0
  • Catherine Muia
    10.04.2018

    “I think kids can run an illegal logging racket from your very own sitting room without you ever knowing until one day the cops come knocking and say, “can we please speak with a lady called Tamisha who lives here, she is needed for questioning at the police station with regards to illegal logging in Kinangop.”
    Hahahahahaha I totally believe they can!
    They will ask you something out of the blue, heaven-forbid-while driving, and you will want to park aside and confirm that it is your child talking and not an alien from out of space! ha!




    4
  • Louis Wamukoya
    10.04.2018

    Good stuff brah! Thank you.




    0
  • Dottie
    10.04.2018

    Biko don’t be jealous Tamm’s is the sweetest daughter you have, she will come around and you will be her best friend.
    Great piece indeed and yes Maqbul is the most humble guy i have come across,he does not choose who to talk to and not to talk because he is very free to all.
    I look forward to meeting you some day as well to give you a pat on the back for the great stories you share with us.




    1
  • Terry
    10.04.2018

    My niece loves that show too. She talks of Vashita all the time and won’t miss an episode. I honestly didn’t know about the show until she kept insisting on watching it.




    1
  • Ciru
    10.04.2018

    Re-evaluate your life, please…..LOL




    0
  • Biscuits
    10.04.2018

    “People always just assume that fathers don’t want biscuits. And it’s unfair. It should stop”
    it should!




    0
  • Brand Lubian
    10.04.2018

    Maqbul is a great man, sat at the same table with him 3 years back at a wedding in Nanyuki and he made people think I have known him for ages… I only had met him that day when he was MCeeing. God bless the show and always being the host with the most *hehehe




    1
  • Victor-Were
    10.04.2018

    “My taste in female shoes is above the acceptable straight levels” You killed it man




    1
  • Kabugzz
    10.04.2018

    (I have a thing for female footwear (and toes), by the way. My taste in female shoes is above the acceptable straight levels). heheh … I bet your little ice queen secretly appreciates you fab taste.




    1
  • jerome onyango
    10.04.2018

    Lucy then handed the children biscuits. I wasn’t given anything. People always just assume that fathers don’t want biscuits. And it’s unfair. It should stop.




    0
  • Eve D'Souza
    10.04.2018

    Awww she sounds precious ❤❤ lots of love to Tamms and I sincerely hope to meet her one day soon! Please tell her for me it means a lot that she’s watching! Love, Varshita




    13
  • Peter
    10.04.2018

    (I have a thing for female footwear (and toes)….I do too …and that Maqbul *bro voice…you nailed it…Keep doing you bro…seems like i also found the serial culprits who wet the bush at Karura…CAUGHT YOU bro *inserts Maqbul voice.




    0
  • Arnet
    10.04.2018

    Great read. Such a relieve from all the death stories that have been here of late. 🙂 I love Tamms, because I also love Auntie Boss and Maqbull, and no I am not 10 years old. 🙂
    It is infectious because my daughters and I actually giggle through the entire show.




    0
  • Wilson Mwangi
    10.04.2018

    Awesome read!




    1
  • Nelly
    10.04.2018

    I’m sorry Biko. These things go like that. For instance I don’t find my dad funny at all and I know he tries so hard (eye roll) but I find you hilarious. I bet Maqbul’s daughter if he has one, probably finds him boring. Also, maybe your humour is too mature for Tamms. She’s a kid.




    1
  • Bitutu
    10.04.2018

    Tamms sounds like an introvert and melancholic. But I gues she is not as *feelingless* as you always describe.




    0
  • Fay
    10.04.2018

    Your responses say you are a writer. I think you should write




    0
  • Ngilesi
    10.04.2018

    We miss the dark stories of real people. They inspire us. They keep us moving. Please reconsider.




    2
  • New moon
    10.04.2018

    You are a great father ;present, does his best to honour his word and teaches Tamms how she should expect to be treated by men in future. she sounds so much like you except what tickles her. She just perceives humour differently .That’s when it dawns on you that children are born with a personality and as parent you unfold them as you go along and not necessarily mould them into what you think they should become .

    As for Kim,I am just glad he is a boy child with a father who is present ,who will hold his hand as he grows from a boy to a man. He will do things that will make you want to pull your hair at some point in his life but he will not depart from the ways that you are teaching him now.He will always remember.

    Maqbul has presence even when he does plays .Maybe you should take Tamms to one of those:-), you might just earn yourself a wakanda salute!




    0
  • joyce
    10.04.2018

    Biko!!..i didnt knw Maqbul was this guy at auntie boss…i never liked “him and varshita”..their drama is exergerated…oops my bad…and funny enough for the longest time i have been crushing over maqbul frm the radio show……uuuwii the voice!!!..till i saw few weeks ago some article (guess it was one of these “google news”) and picture of maqbul…..and i was like this is Maqbul? the auntie boss character???..then my crush got crashed…big up to Tamms if she finds him and varshita hilarious…and not the mayweather guy or the mama “kiarie” househelp…YES i admit auntie boss is annoyingly addictive




    2
  • Gash
    10.04.2018

    This made me pack up my kids in the car and we hit the road.
    We are back home 10 hours later with 200 kms on the odo.
    Yeah, we had a great time!
    Unforgettable.
    I’d love to see today’s write on screen, with you and the kids on set.
    It would be hilarious.
    Epic!




    1
  • waci
    10.04.2018

    And where was Kim all this time?




    0
  • Patient zero
    10.04.2018

    haha ‘what would Niccolo Machiavelli do?’ Biko u will kill me with laughter …good read as always




    0
  • Diana
    11.04.2018

    My kids too find those two hilarious. (Don and varshita).I excuse myself to do the dishes during the show, but my 9yrs old son won’t let me. So I reluctantly agree to join them because it’s enjoyable for them and I want to connect with them. My two cents worth, learn(because you need to give attention to the interest of others and not just your own) to enjoy watching those programs with her.them during the breaks or after the show, make conversations with her. You will draw her out. You will have an amazing relationship with her in her late teens. Can’t wait to read about your joys and challenges of parenthood at that stage.




    2
  • Adobi
    11.04.2018

    I like Maqbul too,i have since “Reflections” which was waay back and i must have been around Tamms age too haha, plus he might be my Uncle’s lost twin, they physically look alike. Anyway,i feel you on the biscuits issue, one can never be too grown up for biscuits right?!




    1
  • Yyve
    11.04.2018

    Don’t worry Biko maybe Tamms will one day come to love your jokes,and you nailed it bro*insert Maqbul’s voive* you’ve made me laugh so hard at 4 am in the morning when I couldn’t get my sleep I’m almost waking up my roomie thinks I’m nuts but its just this post its hilarious. My dad doesn’t eat biscuits he gives us his share all the time so I’ve always believed that dads don’t eat biscuits,re-evaluate your life Biko




    0
  • Nine
    11.04.2018

    I always look forward to Tuesdays to read your blogs. When is the next master class? Could you consider having it on a weekend?




    0
  • Bibs
    11.04.2018

    I postponed reading this yesterday as I was busy and didn’t want distractions. I love “Aunty Boss” and ”Varshita” not just for the drama but for making my kids learn kiswahili, My almost 2 year old is also a big fan of Varshita you should hear him shout ‘bvaashiita’ hahahha
    Back to Tams hahaha the ice queen really! I think she wants so much to impress you but you don’t see it Biko, sit with her and watch Aunty Boss and you will be surprised at how much you will learn.




    1
  • Wanga
    11.04.2018

    I always look forward to stories of Tamms and Kim. Makes parenthood come alive.




    0
  • passerby
    11.04.2018

    Does anyone ever think their parents are funny?or even cool?mostly we just laugh at their expense.
    i discovered auntie boss through my house girl.she loooves it and now so does my daughter.so i am forced to watch it too.
    i love mayweather and silprosa they are my fav.The show does grow on you somehow. am still yet to like varshita and Don but i can see how they appeal to children. Kids love quirky characters and slapstick humour.




    0
  • Njoki
    11.04.2018

    Hehehehe.. Don kick yourself too hard, one day Tamms might find u funny. At least Kim finds you his hero..

    Nice read




    0
  • nobert jman
    11.04.2018

    we want candies too..I love this




    0
  • Odie
    11.04.2018

    Tamms’ weird but not more than your prayers, I still wonder why auntie boss gets credit so that it doesn’t end 🙁




    1
  • T.Otieno
    11.04.2018

    I agree Biko…the world always wants you to be humble as a man let alone with biscuits but also during meals. you have to be discreet and leave a slice or two, never drink to the last drop,or else they will take you for a glutton. Tumms will be a tough one in the future Baba but next time, be honest and you will save a lot. Kudos

    http://oaknation.co.ke.




    0
  • Ms Mali
    11.04.2018

    haha your girl has a type Biko.Brace yourself to have more of Maqbul in future and it’s great that we find that Luo guy funny.You’re my tribe!!




    0
  • Jennifer
    11.04.2018

    i just love this read.




    0
  • Anne komen
    11.04.2018

    Biko you write like you are narrating the story to me… I have your voice in my head.
    Trying to peep at Kim’s??? You are weird like that haha. But I bet sharing a bush makes you reconnect with Kim.
    I live for Kim and Tams posts. I am thirsty for more…
    The few times I watch Aunty Boss is because of Varshitta. I stay glued to the show because I think to myself I wish we had shared a classroom back in CUEA. She is one of the alumni I am proud of. I could even lie to my kids in future that I went to school with her even though she was way ahead lol.




    0
  • Jonah
    11.04.2018

    I think this is your best writing yet!




    0
  • Kerubo
    11.04.2018

    Hahaha and most importantly thank you for being the funny man that am not in her eyes. This is not genuine Biko.




    0
  • Stano Yoana
    12.04.2018

    “He tried unsuccessfully to peep at mine because i was peeping at his” hahaha
    Biko, you are the best writer of our generation. You writing is so real and i like the way you play around with words. Great stuff




    0
  • PK
    12.04.2018

    That was hilarious!! Very.




    0
  • David Wahome
    12.04.2018

    Nice parenting Biko. But your story is never less.




    0
  • Wanjiku
    12.04.2018

    I once told my nephews that I know Njugush from real house helps of kawangware.that he’s actually my neighbour. Weee those kids always give me a hard time whenever we meet. How do I tell them that I don’t know him? But I learnt my lesson I will never ‘chocha’ myself with kids around. They never forget




    0
  • Quasimodo
    13.04.2018

    Trying to re-evaluate my life.alafu auntie boss is on which channel?Tamms will one day be funnier and you will get over the confusion.Good read thank you.




    0
  • Judy
    13.04.2018

    Maqbul is not funny at all. The programme is passable when bored. Now, you are funny. Most of your articles are hilarious in a serious way. And no, (see what I did there? Just started a sentence with and) fathers shouldn’t eat biscuits…ask for a glass of wine!!! Biscuits? Nuh. Varshita is crazy. But crazy in an interesting way, just not funny….




    0
  • Wacera
    13.04.2018

    So this ‘daughters and their dads’ story is a myth?




    0
  • Ian
    13.04.2018

    Maisha Magic East is one of those stations that still have rich content. You can see the effort put in the production, the scripts, the casting, the acting… Shows like Auntie Boss, Varshita, Real housewives of Kawangware carry a huge audience, not like these other shows that have diluted scripts that no one finds interesting anymore. It’s actually impressive that a local show like Auntie Boss can have a spin-off and run with it concurrently!

    But Tams must have really enjoyed, Maqbul is a solid guy for that gesture. I also can’t look forward to the stories when she’s a teen! 😀
    Lucy, please find time to send chocolate man his biscuits.

    http://ianwainaina.wordpress.com




    0
  • Ndegwa
    14.04.2018

    Phew! I thought I was joking only one with a fetish for toes. Cute toes. Lol.




    0
  • Ndegwa
    14.04.2018

    Phew! I thought I was the only one with a fetish for toes. Cute toes. Lol.




    0
  • Zack
    14.04.2018

    Biko is a treasure. Every tuesday.




    0
  • Batutu Lu
    15.04.2018

    Aki Biko u Wil b the ‘laughter’ death of me. My logo one literally thinks am her personal clown…now tht too has its ups n downs and shit. Haha




    0
  • Shillah Raymond
    17.04.2018

    People always just assume that fathers don’t want biscuits. And it’s unfair. It should stop. He he he, yes it should stop




    0
  • Renée
    17.04.2018

    Auntie Boss is the shit.. Ciru, Varshita, Don and Mama Kiarie do it for me.
    More fatherhood 101 pieces Biko..




    0
  • Mwende
    17.04.2018

    Its just today that I was wondering when next you would write about Tamms…seems I’m in sync with the universe.




    0
  • Nicole
    17.04.2018

    I cant get enough of Bikozulu today. “Lord, have I not tried with my jokes – which technically are your jokes?”




    0
  • Tracy
    22.04.2018

    Great piece. I love Auntie boss. I am not going to nobody’s date night on a Tuesday just so I don’t miss an episode. See my life. Lol. Shiro is my favourite character. I also crushed on Maqbul back then when he was acting Reflections -KBC. Hehehe.




    0
  • Lismbeti
    23.04.2018

    The part about Tamms running a logging racket off your living room made me LAUGH!!!




    0
  • kevin
    24.04.2018

    My favorite actors in Varshita are the Wangombes




    0

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