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Dear Nairobi

Posted on 122 109

Dear Nairobi.

I hope this missive finds you well.

I’m writing from the land of the white man, a place called Barcelona, Spain. It’s got churches and cathedrals, monuments and statues, museums and a beach. But no beach can hold a candle to your beach. I love your beach. Your beach is soft and big – and you know how that floats my boat. OK, it’s not yours exactly, it’s Mombasa’s beach but we all know what’s Mombasa’s is yours too, right?

Can I tell you about the dogs of Barcelona?  They are everywhere because it’s summer. Dogs standing at pedestrian crossings, dogs walking in clothing stores staring suspiciously at the 50% discounts, dogs under tables in restaurants, dogs in the metros, dogs looking out of small European car windows, dogs with casts on their hind legs, dogs with muzzles, dogs with attitude, massive white dogs that look like wolves, dogs that have never seen a black man and stare at me for too long – racist dogs. Some are so small, the size of a well grown maize cob in Kitale. Dogs in clothes. Of course they don’t call them dogs here, they call them canine companions because I guess the dogs take offence when they are called dogs. Fable is  that they met in a square on day and said they had to make humans stop calling them dogs because it was derogatory and demeaning to their persons.  A million paws were put on a petition and they presented it to the authorities and man was hence barred from calling them dogs again.

This place is wonderful but it’s also kedo strange. The other day I paid one euro to pee. One euro! It was at this small square called Catalonia Square. I was pressed sana and had  held it in for many blocks. See, there were no bushes to step into to pee. At a street corner, I asked some mustachioed guy where I could find a loo. He didn’t speak a word of English and I didn’t know how to say toilet in Spanish, so I grabbed my crotch and made a sound like “chrrrrr” and thankfully he was a sharp guy who didn’t have a dirty mind, he pointed at some building next to the Cathedral and I went in and I said to the lady at the counter, “Speak English, si? Me want to piss, like this…see..” and the lady said in calm British English, “Of course, I speak English. That is only a euro.” I could have taken offense by her usage of the word “that.” It could have meant anything. So anyway, I paid 118 bob to a take a one minute piss. Happy days. It’s easily the most expensive piss I will take in my life.

Then yesterday we took  a train to Sitges, a small town an hour Southwest of Barcelona. There we sat at a beach bar  and ate sardines and drunk whisky and watched topless women sunbathe and play volleyball. There I realized one thing; that although volleyball is not any more interesting than darts, but if topless women play it you can watch it  for the whole day. If topless women played ajua – you know ajua,right? – I’m sure it can be a real popular sport.

Talking of whisky. These guys don’t know what a double is, they just pour. They don’t measure whisky, which means currently I’m in bed, hungover after a long night at a live jazz jam-session at an underground bar called The Jamboree in Placa Reial which was full of arty types with trendy owlish spectacles and long hippy hair.

Anyway, listen, Nai. I’m in dire straights here….relax, I don’t want you to send me money. Mpesa doesn’t work here anyway. But I want to say that I’m not doing any writing while here because of the sun and all these white chicks in small clothes and their dogs with brown eyes and thus I can’t have any story running here today. Also this is because it’s summer here and I’m lazy and I drink daily because the sun sets at bloody 9:35pm and I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives. We should revolt a little to the IDEA of such slavery.

Stop rolling your eyes.

By the way, in other unrelated matters.  Macharia of Pinklakeman lodge if you are reading this,  I had an odd dream and you and your dogs were in it. That you had left me to stay in your log-house in Elementaita and I somehow wrecked it up – made a big hole on the wooden floor – and when you came back you were so mad you didn’t even talk to me. You sulked a good one. I said, “Macha, don’t be like that, stop sulking over a floor,” and you didn’t even bother saying shit, you just walked away and your pack of dogs took your side and followed you. All of them.

Strange dream.  I think seeing all these dogs here had something to do with it.

Otherwise? What’s happening back there? Has our winter started?

I have to go look for breakfast. Si we talk when I’m back? Until then you can check out my Instagram if you have an idle moment. Just the usual silly things.

Haya, baadaye.

Oriti.

Yours,

Chocolate Man.

Ps. If I posted this letter through post, you would receive it just before Valentine’s Day 2018.

122 Responses
  • Mwau
    04.07.2017

    🙂




    0
    • Faith Kisoso
      11.07.2017

      The most expensive piss you’ve had … That quote just made my month too funny keep them coming.




      1
  • J
    04.07.2017

    ha just for kicks




    0
  • Sam
    04.07.2017

    First. 🙂

    And very short today.




    0
    • Moses
      04.07.2017

      I call that manageable piece. For once I finished the post in one sitting..




      3
      • samuel oloo
        06.07.2017

        As for me, I never “sit” while on chocolate man’s storos. (Pun).




        0
  • Wanjuhi
    04.07.2017

    Have a wonderful Tuesday guys.., Hey Biko!




    1
    • Dottie
      04.07.2017

      You never Disappoint Biko,yes Nairobi is very coooold and yes the winter has started so enjoy the sun while it lasts




      1
  • Safari
    04.07.2017

    The posts these days are so sensitive that even first commenters have grown wary

    Anyway, I hope am first, insensitivity aside.

    Also, you guys take a look at my blog




    1
    • Kui 1
      05.07.2017

      Link?




      1
  • EDWIN CHIRCHIR
    04.07.2017

    Barcelona? I can see writing is taking you places bwana Jackson. Kudos! https://ekichir.blogspot.co.ke/2017/07/my-childhood-sugary-adventures.html




    0
  • justmanoe
    04.07.2017

    Lol. Great piece! loved reading all through.

    Here is another letter:
    http://justmanoe.com/of-deadbeat-dads-and-runaway-fathers/




    0
  • NO3drug
    04.07.2017

    Nice piece.




    0
  • Joy
    04.07.2017

    oriti!!!




    0
  • Kui 1
    04.07.2017

    Enjoy Spain, Ati Summer where? Kenyan July? Baridi ya limuru neighborhood…#fireplace on at 11am!:)




    2
  • Qui
    04.07.2017

    Hahaha Biko enjoy Barca, and thanks for always brightening up our tuesdays !




    2
  • Emmanuel Dennis
    04.07.2017

    Hehehehe!!! I want what you are drinking. Make sure you carry it with you on your way back. Otherwise the guards at JKIA will make your life a misery the Matiangi style. Ok bye!




    1
  • Riri
    04.07.2017

    Lol. Am used to your posts coming up at 10:00 am, I had come here 107 times since then. Guess it had to do with your post on Instagram probably on Sunday. But heeey, this is just fine.




    2
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    04.07.2017

    I really want to visit Spain one day. Somehow my bank account sneers at the idea but a man has to hope. I think Spain is one of the most intriguing places for me for silly reasons. The food, the cycling thing, the Spanish guitar – big reason – and the food again. I also think I want to see the Spaniards play topless volleyball. Us in Nairobi Biko are doing fine, its coldish and those guys vying for governorship of the city have become really good at throwing shades. One was told we need leadership not beauty. Imagine that for a second. Anyway I think this is enough of a story by itself. Good read.




    108
    • bumblebee
      04.07.2017

      Hahaha. I always look forward to your comments, after my read. Like ‘lemmie see what Pete has to say’ . Yes in my head you have a nickname. And a full body of course. And good eloquence. And you get offended everytime I say am instead of I’m. It is very interesting really. You like to watch intriguing and thrilling movies. Like you prefer The Good Wife to Supernatural. Again, only in my head. Anyway, good read. ☺




      47
      • pAtt
        04.07.2017

        Wesh, you can clarify that with Bumblebee over coffee in this cold.




        19
      • Mware
        04.07.2017

        Dear Peter,
        Kindly give this young beautiful lady your number.




        27
        • Okhwa Papa
          04.07.2017

          Peter tafadhali, listen..




          19
          • JOJO
            04.07.2017

            PETER PRIIIS




            12
      • Gakii
        04.07.2017

        HEHE..weeh

        GO GIRL!!!!




        7
      • Malaika
        04.07.2017

        Pete, ahem… be the gentleman that I always imagine you to be.. coffee and good conversation for the lady…




        12
      • Mwax
        04.07.2017

        @Wesh, If you ever actualise that dream of going to Spain, dont leave Bumblebee behind. And about the topless volleyball, you two can make a good team.

        @Bumblebee, I always look forward to reading your comment as well. Are you a blogger? You come across as someone very interesting to be around, but I see Pete beats me in the preferential food chain.




        7
        • bumblebee
          06.07.2017

          Well mwax, I am very interesting, or so I’m told

          You can drop by my blog and see if this interest crosses the internet borders




          2
          • bumblebee
            06.07.2017

            Please insert emoticans where necessary




            1
      • Kui
        05.07.2017

        Bumble bee, did Pete come your way?




        1
      • Wesh - Peter Wesh
        05.07.2017

        bumblebee you’re far too kind. Can I have your email address?




        6
        • Blackbeauty
          06.07.2017

          Thank God for this
          I was panicking that you wouldn’t ask for it




          2
          • Pgmaina
            07.07.2017

            In my head ,I see a “welcome to bumblepete “sign.just need to figure out where that leads to..




            1
        • bumblebee
          06.07.2017

          Hahaha. Kininiabigael@gmail.com

          Well, created quite the audience. 😀




          0
      • Carole
        06.07.2017

        Hahaha! Wesh Pressure!!!!!! When is this wedding already? Biko, just think how that would make an amazing article because you were too lazy and distraught by topless volley-ballers to write… 😀
        I should sleep already.. Great read as usual




        2
    • Violet
      04.07.2017

      Missive.. I miss the letters era… nice piece




      0
    • Estar Shiku
      04.07.2017

      Dear Wesh…




      0
    • Hannah Banana
      10.07.2017

      Lol, l like this…..




      0
    • Neelah
      10.07.2017

      Food…… and food again…. Being a foodie got to recognize that




      0
  • Lizzay
    04.07.2017

    NKT! yenyewe when you were right. You write better when sober. Safe travels.




    3
  • Kate
    04.07.2017

    You lazy bum! And here i was waiting…




    10
  • Kelly
    04.07.2017

    first to comment.. lol




    2
  • Gakii
    04.07.2017

    blablabla *TOPLESS WOMEN* blablabla




    18
  • Rih
    04.07.2017

    “A million paws were put on a petition ..”

    That cracked me up. You are one insanely creative fellow.

    enjoy the land of the white man!




    12
  • Annie
    04.07.2017

    Hahaha heart breaker. Thought we were in a relationship with a weekly 10am Tues date? Siungesema jana you won’t make it?




    15
    • Turinawe
      04.07.2017

      I hear you. Heart breaker indeed!




      0
  • Ronald
    04.07.2017

    A few things here. Your most expensive piss is about 1.6397 times my most expensive shave yet I have always had a long face over it. I guess I should have moved on already, 70bob shouldn’t be a big deal to a man, right?
    Secondly, I agree. Boring things can be interesting when done by the right people or basically ladies, especially of they have some attire (we all know what I mean here lack of attire). I used to hate fries especially when traveling. They nauseated me till I met this lady I call girlfriend. She made all that look like the most logical thing to eat when traveling. Won’t however give y’all the pleasure of talking anything topless about her




    20
    • bumblebee
      04.07.2017

      Hahahaha. I almost thought you were going to say she ate fries topless and you’ve loved fries ever since




      18
      • Ronald
        04.07.2017

        Ehe, what do you think? We are not in Spain. We were conservative Africans in Nyeri and eating the fries with a single extended wink as an act of charity was enough sensuality and public display of affection to change what I thought about fries. And my irritant bowels obliged to the queens call…




        7
      • JOJO
        04.07.2017

        pwahaahaaaaaa, me toooo !!!!!!!!!!!




        1
    • churchill salmon
      04.07.2017

      You should share a pic of the topless volley ball players on your IG handle asap bro, nice piece though




      1
      • bumblebee
        06.07.2017

        I almost want to ask if you read past that part

        Ps Biko, why can’t I post emoji’s??? I meed my emotions seen and expressed almost close to human faces…




        1
  • Julie
    04.07.2017

    Biko you haven’t asked,but take me!take
    me for crying out loud!why?because I need action in my life right now.And Nairobi is acting up.she’s being moody and grey and so cold,I need to be away from her.far far away.so take me!!!!!




    2
  • Kasee
    04.07.2017

    The most expensive piss right there!




    0
  • Kennedy
    04.07.2017

    Is Spain to Barcelona what Thailand is to Bangkok or a capital city just like we have in Nairobi Kenya?

    Just asking for my friend Mike Gideon Sonko




    6
    • Madrid is the capital of Spain.
      Barcelona is the capital of Catalonia..(an autonomous community)..it’s complicated but I guess it’s pretty much how Hargesia is the capital of Somaliland which is a part of Somalia.




      7
      • G.Oriwo
        04.07.2017

        Great insight……….




        0
  • Cici
    04.07.2017

    2018!!! Oh dear




    0
  • Tichi
    04.07.2017

    Thats too shoort Biko,u played us a good one today!




    0
  • Mukash
    04.07.2017

    Chocolate man, now you are showing off…nkt. Or am just jealous seeing as Nairobi is 18 degrees today 🙁 🙁




    3
    • Milka
      04.07.2017

      Mukash, also you are not watching any topless women playing volleyball..hihi..so yeah..you’ve gone dark green #Staresback




      0
  • @clif_the_tall
    04.07.2017

    My guy, how about you photo bomb as many photo-shoots as possible while drunk? Kenyans are good in nyemelearing. Dandia them kabisa. You got nothing to lose. Even though you may never see those photos ever in your life, it’s comical to know that your forehead is part of somebody’s cherished memories, whether they like it or not. Otherwise enjoy.




    10
    • Diana Nicholas
      05.07.2017

      Fantastic piece as always. Enjoy the sun, beaches, dogs, girls playing volleyball ehh..




      0
  • haha…Mpesa doesn’t work there, but Western Union, Money gram and World Remit do.. Missing my Nairobi.
    “if topless women play it you can watch it for the whole day” ha!

    Three things:
    Leave the currency conversions to forex bureaus, otherwise you’ll faint if you keep doing mental calculations.
    Dogs everywhere is loads of fun: happy, cute (some not so cute), tail wagging, panting furry friends..yippie!..until some owners don’t clean after them and you end up with a foot in that smelly goo; watch your step.
    The daylight saving time can mess your itinerary; it helps to have very dark curtains..and remembering to glance at your watch for correct times.




    8
  • Lauryn
    04.07.2017

    I do work with Spaniards and just from hearing them referring to Kenya and Kenyans in general, i feel like i never want to visit Spain ever…. but maybe it’s the ones in here that are that way lol….




    1
  • Nancy
    04.07.2017

    Never dissapoints, cant believe l stopped cleaning just to read a post on dogs n you piing next to a cathedral anyway you, Biko, kept me glued to my phone, as always! Keep instagram as funny as usual okay?
    Haiya
    Wanere kinyi
    Oriti




    3
  • Carol
    04.07.2017

    Dear Biko….

    “I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives. We should revolt a little to the IDEA of such slavery’

    ….am so rolling my eyes… do come back home,your weekly blog allows for escape albeit short,from politics.




    2
  • irene
    04.07.2017

    Yeh, right! the hopeless feeling you get when you leave Kenya, home is best




    0
  • Scritch
    04.07.2017

    My friend Mwende (big fan of yours) is so pissed this is all you had to say…she wants more. She spent half the morning refreshing your page waiting for a new article.




    0
  • Msaniiwasanaa
    04.07.2017

    Biko your writing was different today… Drunk?
    Underwhelmed




    0
    • G.Oriwo
      04.07.2017

      But I want to say that I’m not doing any writing while here because of the sun and all these white chicks in small clothes and their dogs with brown eyes and thus I can’t have any story running here today. Also this is because it’s summer here and I’m lazy and I drink daily because the sun sets at bloody 9:35pm and I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives




      1
  • Sam
    04.07.2017

    How do we let Biko get away with writing about nothing so many times. I am still a fun though.




    1
    • Lolo
      04.07.2017

      Racist dogs…he he. Ati you paid what to pee? Too bad you couldn’t pee on someone’s fence and get away with it there. We are in winter though its probably just under 20 degrees here, I wonder how we’d survive if it was under 0 degrees. Take your break Biko, we all need one.




      0
    • stephanovmutua
      04.07.2017

      ***fan




      0
      • Pgmaina
        07.07.2017

        Touche” was so tempted to do that as well




        0
  • Abigail
    04.07.2017

    Hehehehe…Disfruta tu estancia en españa señor Biko. Esperando su escritura la próxima semana.Adios!




    1
  • Turinawe
    04.07.2017

    Been waiting for today’s tales of 40’s people and just after my cup of tea had warmed up for the trilling read, I realize that today is not that day. I missed the stroy, Indeed, it’s not always about blogs….

    Have fun.




    0
  • Dikki
    04.07.2017

    So, how is one supposed to know when they’ve had enough whiskey?




    0
  • abdullah omar
    04.07.2017

    Barcelona topless women is all you saw




    0
  • Githogori
    04.07.2017

    You got be liberal over there because of bloody dogs!




    0
  • Lily
    04.07.2017

    I hope this missive finds you well 🙂 gone are the days we jotted this down with a pointed pen to make the writing perfect. Having nostalgia

    Enjoy Biko, wish you could sambaza the whisky baridi in Nai yawa




    0
  • tweety
    04.07.2017

    good read chocolate man. happy holidays.:)




    0
  • Jay kirwa
    04.07.2017

    biko amepeleka ujaluo ulaya eti dogs are called canine what? lol




    0
  • Mina T
    04.07.2017

    Yes winter has finally arrived and we’re loving every single bit of it.
    Although I’m not quite sure how well it’ll go for the Westerosi folk……




    0
  • Frederick
    04.07.2017

    See Biko. This ”I paid 118 bob to a take a one minute piss. It’s easily the most expensive piss I will take in my life” is you not being street smart. When you realize you have paid that much and are you in the locker, you can as well take a dump. Then perhaps it may seem value for money.




    3
  • Shix
    04.07.2017

    I completely felt the same way…. At some point i even thought its a guest writer.




    0
  • Gerald Nderu
    04.07.2017

    Hey Biko, had this boring Tuesday in Nyeri and I almost forgot reading your blog because I had forgotten it was Tuesday. You could have seen how I brightened up when I remembered. Anyway Thank you for brightening up my Tuesday once again. Gracia’s!!




    1
  • Jabay
    04.07.2017

    take a short video of the volleyball match and post it…… i really love volleyball




    4
  • Buru kenge
    04.07.2017

    true ! if topless women played ajua i would wath it too !




    0
  • Lydia
    04.07.2017

    Oh Yah. Winter has definitely started.




    0
  • Patricia
    04.07.2017

    Enjoy Biko, enjoy!




    1
  • Njeri Wa Ndegwa
    04.07.2017

    Biko, I will forgive you for this half loaf. (As if I have a choice)

    But i cannot forgive you for your blatant discrimination! Do you not realize you have readers in Nanyuki, Eldoret, Chicago and more importantly Kinangop????

    What’s with writing an aplogy to Nairobian? Do not the readers in Kînangofu deserve an explanation?




    5
    • Lady001
      05.07.2017

      He had to drag us kitale people with the maize thingy..




      0
  • Dee
    04.07.2017

    Not had, very brief but a good read non the less……..like a quickie that results into a mind blowing orgasm 🙂




    0
  • Marie
    04.07.2017

    racist dogs – hilarious, made my day:) Thanks Biko




    1
  • Caleen
    04.07.2017

    he he he the dogs! Happy days,everybody needs to take an expensive pee once in their lifetime




    0
  • Malaika
    04.07.2017

    I think I need my bundles back. It hit me it was Tuesday while I was busy at the farm. Then I forgot again, then just remembered I haven’t read you up today.
    Anti-climax… sigh… comeback darker for us… (I would say a tan but… melanin manenos..)




    0
  • Moses
    04.07.2017

    Ungelazimisha pupu! How on earth do you pay a cool 118 to pee! Do you know that what you paid to pee could buy government-subsidized unga na mboga na uto.




    5
    • Kent Mwokoz
      04.07.2017

      unga ya ugali…. Na sio joke Biko




      0
  • Miriam Mwangi
    04.07.2017

    Racist dogs loooool!




    1
  • Mwax
    04.07.2017

    Biko, you are cheating on us with Spain. You can watch topless girls the whole day and cant sit and write? Why now? Anyway, yaliyo ndwele sipite




    0
  • Mugabi P
    04.07.2017

    Lovely read.
    Chocolate man and the dogs.
    Interesting combo(combination)
    Guys bring me up to speed on Oriti , whatarethese?




    2
  • Winnie
    04.07.2017

    Imagine today 4th July.. It snowed. Like. Really snowed (hata kama ni hailstones, hiyo ni snow})




    2
  • Wambui Ngugi
    04.07.2017

    Bikozulu, Winter is here with us!
    It did snow, in Nyahururu am sure you have seen your brothers making snow man, yes?
    Not yet, wait for it
    Also Nrb does miss the Son! Enjoy your stay




    0
  • Kent Mwokoz
    04.07.2017

    You called men dogs…. I am on the floor… Its true




    0
  • Sev
    04.07.2017

    Forget about the 118shs leak but snowing now bruh.Hii Baridi iko kwa katiba.




    0
  • Sheila
    05.07.2017

    Yeah winter is here with us especially in Laikipia West…. its even snowing. If i were u, i would just remain there




    0
  • Rita
    05.07.2017

    Only you can make a letter look this interesting hehehe….




    1
  • GG
    05.07.2017

    The story about dogs makes me know why they made that movie called “Baby Boss”, people loving dogs more than babies. Point of correction about the nickname for Macharia is actually “Masha” just as pronounced in Kikuyu.




    0
  • Raroi
    05.07.2017

    Hahaa I can’t take the face value of this ” I love your beach. Your beach is soft and big – and you know how that floats my boat”. I saw what you did but I will it slide because I am tired




    0
  • Moses Auma
    05.07.2017

    You had me sold Biko that you had the most expensive piss of your life!




    1
  • Giluih
    06.07.2017

    awesome piece as always! Enjoy Spain.. the comments are hilarious too!




    0
  • Njoki
    06.07.2017

    hahahaha.. Enjoy Barcelona




    0
  • Daved
    06.07.2017

    speaking of dogs, I have this white Japanese Spitz.. it might be racist too,the way he looks down on me, (mind you I’m taller) I suppose that doesn’t really matter. Haha




    0
  • Chemosi
    07.07.2017

    Awesome. Enjoy




    0
  • P.K.
    08.07.2017

    Today I came for the comments. And the comments didn’t disappoint. Now I hope we shall hear fro. BumblePete. you gotta write about them.




    3
  • Fannie
    08.07.2017

    Call me wind because I am abuelstoly blown away.




    0
  • Kay
    08.07.2017

    Ajua!! lol




    0
  • Tim
    08.07.2017

    My sister’s been talking about your writing for some time now, and I finally got to read some of it. Interesting stuff…




    0
  • Munene
    09.07.2017

    There is a Toni Braxton special today on Brandplus TV. Sorry you’re out of the country.




    1
  • Carolina
    18.07.2017

    Hahahaha! Hope you enjoyed Barcelona, and were able to catch up with Catalan, not Spanish si you know that 😀

    Cheers from the other side,

    Carolina | https://myglobalattitude.com/




    0

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