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Dusty Rags (No Relation To The Story)

Let’s say you are one of those people who take their phones to the loo to read or to watch YouTube or double tap pictures on Instagram. (Cool children now call it The Gram). This one time your phone rings while you are seated in the little room, nose on phone. It’s someone who is not a friend and not an acquaintance, not a relative and not the police. They tell you that they are in a “little jam” and would like some urgent help. They need some money.

They need some money now!

“Let me call you back,” you tell them. “I’m in a small meeting.” So you finish your “meeting” and you call them back. They cut to the chase; they need a few tens of thousands of shillings. You are surprised at the request because the two of you don’t have any history of lending each other money. He’s one of those “let’s do a drink soon” kind of friends so you figure he must be backed up against the wall to ask for your help. Maybe he’s raising money for ransom. Maybe someone in the family needs a new kidney to replace a bad kidney. Or maybe some nasty shylock characters from Ngara are currently at his reception; two chaps in dusty shoes and dodgy looking hats – one is fiddling with his kabambe phone with a massive thumb, the other, nastier looking one, who has no eyebrows is just staring into space, not blinking. The whole reception suddenly smells of wet sawdust and impending violence.

It could be anything.

But he called you. It must have taken some sitting on pride.

“I will definitely sort you out by the 7th of next month or even before.”  He promises with confidence. It is 12 March 2016, which means he will pay in roughly a month’s time, donge? Now you don’t have that kind of money lying around but you can  wait until dusk when all the neighbours are  inside watching news and dig it out of the little hole you stash some money in for wet, rainy days. The money is in a wooden box, together with one of your wisdom teeth. (Long story).

You figure he’s good for it. He seems to be doing well for himself; he drives a car you like, his wife drives a car you like, and he plays golf at one of those golf clubs for the young and well-heeled.  Plus, he doesn’t have a prison record. The last picture he posted on Facebook was  of him, some guys, and a frothing bottle of expensive-looking champagne at a champagne bar in a fancy hotel in Westlands. “Who needs a reason to celebrate life?” the caption of the picture reads: 231 Likes. 79 comments. You are convinced of his creditworthiness.

Next day you send him the dough through M-Pesa.

By the way you never know people’s real names until you M-Pesa them. There are tons of people walking out there with shockingly odd names. They say M-Pesa has revolutionised the mobile wallet, but it has also exposed people’s real names. It’s quite a moment of panic when you send someone money on M-pesa and the confirmation SMS you receive indicates that you just sent money to Thadayo not Kiptoo Kipchumba. You only have to see some people’s names to fully comprehend the cruelty of our parents. There are people called Gaudentia or Thadayo and they understandably hide it – well, until you M-Pesa them.

Anyway, on 9 April as you are gargling mouthwash, preparing for bed, you remember that your pal was supposed to have paid back your money two days ago. You go to bed, fall asleep holding a boob, wake up at dawn, go to the gym, go to work, walk to a rubbish buffet place with some colleagues for lunch, try not to sleep in the afternoon, go back back home and fall asleep holding a boob. (Same boob). You don’t want to prompt him because it will embarrass him and in turn embarrass you. Besides it’s not like he is a month late with the money.

A month later – on 8 May – you send him a Whatsapp. You keep it light and amusing. It reads: “I will have that dough in unmarked bills of 100-bob notes. At exactly 11pm tonight, drop it off to one of  the kabuti wearing guys holding ‘Massage’ signs at night at the corner of Argwings Kodhek/ Ole Odume Road. The secret word is ‘warus.’ Come alone.

It goes blue tick immediately. He is online for a bit. Then he goes offline. You stare at your phone like, “The f***?” He comes online again and stays online for a bit, then he goes offline. You get offline and get some work done. Twenty minutes later you hear a ping. It’s him. He has written the very extensive message: Hahaha. Funny guy.

That’s it. Hmmm.

A week later he hasn’t said shit. So you call him and after a bit of small talk you tell him, “Boss, when can you sort me out?” Then he goes, “Aaaaaaah,” like he just remembered because he has soooo much on his mind.  “ Listen, acha I M-PESA you kesho first thing, I don’t have M-banking on this phone.” (Yeah, he has many phones because he’s doing many things in life; unfortunately those things don’t include paying debts). You tell him no sweat but then you wonder how he doesn’t have online banking. Surely people who don’t need a reason to celebrate life with champagne should at least have online banking. He might be the kind of guy CBA’s Loop is looking for.

Of course he doesn’t send the money the next morning, and he doesn’t  send it that afternoon; neither that evening, nor later in the night when you sleep holding a boob. You are a bit pissed off by now but then you remember Proverbs 16: 32: Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self control than one who takes a city. After two days you say screw it, I prefer being a warrior, I want to take over this goddamn city. So you go on Whatsapp and say, “Chief, that M-banking of yours still isn’t working, kwani you bank with some microfinance bank in Kapsabet?”

He calls you immediately and says, “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t update you. Juzi after speaking to you my grandmother calls me. Actually, she beeped me and I called back. She had fallen and fractured her hip, and my folks, si you know retired? So I had to send some cash home for her to undergo some surgery. Pole bana. I don’t have the whole amount now and I don’t want to send it in bits, so how about I send it Friday? I’m really sorry.”

You honestly couldn’t care less if his grandmother had swallowed a wooden spoon. She has a sore hip, fine, but the world is full of people who are nursing something sore. She has lived her life, she has grandchildren, surely, she is allowed to have a sore hip. Besides, it’s not like that sore hip has completely messed up her yoga classes.

Anyway, you tell him “Sawa basi, Friday it is.” That night you get into bed, instinctively place your hand on your woman’s hip and  tell her the whole story right up until the folklore of the grandmother with the broken hip. She’s quiet, processing this story. Of course she’s a woman and she’s wiser than you in matters of life so she is going to open this situation up with a scalpel and give you a sound diagnosis. She finally murmurs, “I don’t see him paying it back. The easiest way to kill a friendship is to lend money to an unreliable friend.” You sigh and kill the bedside lamp. With a very heavy heart you sleep holding a boob.

December comes and you celebrate Christmas, 2017 comes and you survive the cheesy new year’s resolution forwards. Valentine’s Day comes, flowers die en masse, and that goes as well. Once in a while his posts are washed ashore to your timeline and you see him in a selfie on a desert safari in Dubai. #Wanderlust. #GoEverywhere. #DubaiOrBust. You stare at his pictures for a long time and control the dark thoughts that try to fill your mind. You close your eyes and mumble, “Saitan, please not today.

You tell God, “Lord, you know me. You and I go a long way. So you know I’m not a bad person even if I ask you to send a bad form of constipation to this guy. Open your cupboard of constipations and pick the very worst of them, something that will make his eyes turn very red and pop veins out all over his forehead. Make it last a month. Put a stone in his stomach. But if you can’t do that, Lord, I would understand because you are all about being the bigger person. Get one of the angels there to do it, instead. Pick one of those who sit under a tree the whole day, practicing their harp and eating natural yoghurt.”

Of course the Lord ignores your request because you still see some of your friend’s loud updates on Facebook, posting a picture of a new watch he calls a timepiece game. “Time will tell,” you mumble, stroking your beard in a very evil way.

One day you call him and he cancels your call with a  “Sorry, in a meeting. Call you later,” message. He doesn’t call you. You say, well, you lose some you win some. You go on with your life, he goes on with his. One day you are at the bar in Kilimani, you are seated at the counter scrolling through your phone as you wait for someone who doesn’t keep time. It’s a cold Friday evening and the counter is yet to fill up. You are on your first double, ignoring the complimentary peanuts and the dried bananas. R Kelly croons Feelin’ on Yo Booty from the TV hanging overhead.

Then guess who walks in?

Yup.

He can’t pretend he hasn’t seen you because you are not made from moisture. He looks embarrassed as he walks over to you and you get off your stool and you do the whole shoulder bump thing like you are brothers. He says with forced enthusiasm, “How you doing, man?” You say you couldn’t be better. Then you ask him the question you have been dying to ask him; “How is your grandmother?”

He laughs because he has forgotten his grandmother was supposed to have broken her hip.  Which says a lot about someone who breaks his grandmother’s hip. He asks, “Why?”

You say, “Her hip has healed?”

Arrh yes, yeah banawah, that was crazy. She is fine now. Can I get you a drink?”

Nah,” you say. “I’m good for now.”  (Human beings would rather buy you a drink than pay you back your money.)

All this time you are talking  you feel something nudging the small of your back, and when you turn back slightly you see a trunk; it’s the elephant in the room telling you, “Ask him, ask him!”. You make strained small talk. He seems okay, meaning he doesn’t seem to have had any bouts of serious constipation lately. He never mentions the money. Eventually he goes and joins some people at a different table.

The pal you have been waiting for finally shows up and hangs his hat. At some point when you are on your third drink our antagonist ambles over to the counter. He puts his hand on your shoulder like he’s your uncle and says, “Look, I haven’t forgotten that storo by the way…”Oh, now it’s a storo. You can smell cigarette smoke on his breath, “ I know my word must mean very  little now, but I will endeavour to malizana with you on Monday, I promise.

You know it’s another lie particularly because he has used the word “endeavour.” People who use words like “endeavour” in conversation are not to be trusted. If a man tells you, “Darling, I shall endeavour to pick you up at 7pm today,” please prepare for an after 8pm pickup.

You tell him, “Look, do what you feel is best.” Then he laughs uncomfortably and says, “Ah you, don’t be like that. I will settle it on Monday, I promise.” You say, sawa and he goes back to his table. Your pal asks, “That guy looks familiar, is he a lawyer?”

You tell him, “No, he’s an ass.”

Tuesday, he M-Pesas half the money with a promise and an endeavour to settle the rest the following day. Of course he doesn’t. He won’t. But you won’t unfriend him on Facebook. You won’t stop being friends on Instagram. You want to be like God and be the bigger man. When you run into him in a bar you won’t go out of your way to go say hello at his table but should he come over to yours you will never mention the balance, you will make the smallest of talks as common decency dictates. But if you ever find yourself driving through the bypass in Kile at night and you find him burning in a ball of fire and you happen to have a full bladder that can put off the fire if you pee on him, you will opt instead to pee on the carcass of a dead dog.

In bed one night  – when the bile has settled in you and the Lord has tempered your thoughts somewhat – your woman will ask you about him and if he paid you and you will say, rather ruefully, that he paid half. She will be lying on her side propped on her elbow, looking at you with eyes like you are the prodigal son who has just come back home. The first time she met him she had asked you how you know him and you had said, “I  met him through a friend,” and she had said, “He doesn’t seem like someone you would be friends with. There’s something very phony about him,” and you had defended him and said, “Oh, come on, you barely know him. Kwani which of my friends do you like apart from Paul and Steve?”  She had shrugged and said, “I’m just saying. I’m sure I’m wrong and he’s a great guy.

Now she has that small triumphant smile but won’t say, “I told you.” Instead she asks, “Are you angry?

Not anymore,” you mumble. “ Now I’m more  disappointed than anything else.

She plays with your beard in silent consolation.

Think of it like the price you pay to rid yourself of baggage in your life.” She says softly.

Explain your wisdom, woman,” you growl staring at the pimple on her chin. That pimple is never a good sign for you. It’s a party pooper.

Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” She says.  “Sometimes, like in this case, it’s through debt. Think of the other half he owes you as money you have  paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship.

Why do I have to be the one to pay for that?” You whine like an adolescent.

Because it is you who will benefit the most .”

You stare at her pimple for a minute. It makes sense. (The pimple doesn’t, though). You feel free when you think of it that way. Lighter even. You ask God to let the angel continue practicing his harp. Music is better than constipation.

Before you drift off in sleep, one hand on one boob, you whisper in her hair, “Don’t you think it’s time you started paying me for these free breast examinations?”  

***

Ps: Registration for the 12th Masterclass is now open. The class will run from 6 to 8 September. Email our Admin to lock down your slot, info@bikozulu.co.ke

Ps2: We are taking a week off to vote and other things. We will be back on 15th if God allows. Happy voting.

 

208 Responses
  • Dee Muruga
    01.08.2017

    Great read as usual




    0
  • jetnimoh
    01.08.2017

    Am doing that dance right know…………..he he back to reading




    2
    • jetnimoh
      01.08.2017

      *now……..(Yeah, he has many phones because he’s doing many things in life; unfortunately those things don’t include paying debts). I have promised not to lend money to boys…cant call them men…..they don”t have an idea how to pay debts, a woman any day they keep there promises and if shes stuck she will call ahead of time.




      11
      • Ben
        01.08.2017

        Nope, the breaching kind will breach the very idea that they owe you money from their now orange brains.True story.




        0
      • bee
        02.08.2017

        I agree with you. Am never lending money to men again




        1
        • Ras Dartte
          02.08.2017

          Come on now, don’t be like that!
          Hehe




          0
      • David
        03.08.2017

        I beg to differ…..women never return the money…..ever




        1
        • Troll
          04.08.2017

          I beg to differ, it’s people(not men not women) who never return the money but fret not for I know a place where everyone pays their debts ……… Canaan 🙂




          3
  • Martin M
    01.08.2017

    Alas, a sad reality of life. That some people are never supposed to be trusted with money.
    Endeavour to have a peaceful and sane election…




    6
    • Nava
      01.08.2017

      Endeavour….no?
      Great read..just reminded me of all.bad debts owed! I know a guy who’s likely to use the boob examination fees line soon




      1
  • MaryG
    01.08.2017

    I can definitely relate. I have had several of those kind of ‘friends’. Especially as you get older. Your woman is right, good riddance!




    1
  • Cathy
    01.08.2017

    Yes some people only go with your money, and yes you are the greatest beneficially.




    3
    • Cathy
      01.08.2017

      Ooo and about the title of the story- shaking them off? lol!




      2
  • ces
    01.08.2017

    The owner of the boob is a wise woman………..




    52
    • Meg
      01.08.2017

      Haha free breast examination indeed.




      4
  • rose
    01.08.2017

    I can fully relate with this… “Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” She says. “Sometimes, like in this case, it’s through debt. Think of the other half he owes you as money you have paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship.”
    Good read Biko!




    13
  • Margaret Wathoni
    01.08.2017

    Am I the only one who is not in The Gram?




    4
  • Neno
    01.08.2017

    Women are wise




    13
  • Hadi
    01.08.2017

    Good Piece. That massage guy on Marcus Garvey though.




    1
  • MamaIvanna
    01.08.2017

    Lol …. I have one of those friends I lend money 3 yrs ago, a friend I last saw in high school many years ago but in my humanity I actually lend the money to. I gave up asking for it. But just this year I decided to try again. Her response, ‘I was going to pay you once things got better’ ….then another text comes, ‘actually if you don’t mind, can you lend me 20k, I will pay back next month?’ She must think I am a fool.

    Wishing fellow Kenyans a tranquil electioneering period.




    14
    • Wanjiru
      03.08.2017

      ‘If you don’t mind?!” What is she smoking? Of course you do!




      1
    • Things I hear
      31.08.2017

      She doesn’t think you are fool, she thinks you are mad when in fact she’s the mad one!! #thingsihear




      0
  • bumblebee
    01.08.2017

    Just the kind of additional wisdom I needed. Reminds me of Tyler Perry’s Madea On The Run. Anger is like a weight. Loose the anger, the forced friendship, then fly light☺




    41
  • A-Kay 47
    01.08.2017

    Reminds me of someone! And they have the audacity to call a year later. Nkt!




    1
  • Nicodemus
    01.08.2017

    Maaaad. So true man so true




    0
  • Angela Darcy
    01.08.2017

    Very true.. Some friends are constituents. They use you for their benefit. Well put Biko.. Happy Voting wakenya wenzangu.




    0
  • joyce
    01.08.2017

    This sounds like story of my life!!!!!….i bailed a friend out of jail (*read ex boyfriend) who vanished with my money and got married (*read wedding). A year and half now the money seems not to come back and all I used to see is parting and popping those big bottles and travels… Saitan is real!!!

    Another friend keeps on saying that, “i’ll Mpesa you in the evening” and then goes silent for a month!!!….I need to know how to stop lending or how to ask my cash back….

    But anyway, now i see those dusty rugs..
    Good read!!




    19
    • Riri
      01.08.2017

      Thank the Lord you are not the one he married! You probably pay bills and school fees for the rest of your life.




      35
    • Whoa! Now that is just plain savage!




      5
    • Hazel A.
      01.08.2017

      Me three. But new resolve of mine…to stop lending ….at most ill give you a thousand bob( scratch that a firm NO). Tuachanie hapo roho safi….really learnt the hard way. Friendships end where money is lent….




      0
  • Faith
    01.08.2017

    Awesome and hilarious article!




    2
  • Grace Yaa
    01.08.2017

    The easiest way to break a ‘friendship’ is by lending money to people you are hardly friends with.

    This piece is truth.




    2
    • Riri
      01.08.2017

      Thank the Lord you are not the one he married! You probably pay bills and school fees for the rest of your life.




      2
  • Ali
    01.08.2017

    Which boob ? Which boob Niko right or left?




    1
  • Riri
    01.08.2017

    Great read!
    This is why I no longer lend ‘friends’ cash. I prefer to give it to a sibling because they know I will run over their a**. And these guys that borrow….. They got some amazingly unblinking eyes… Shameless eyes! And just to wonder, is their entire clan dead…. I mean, why come to me… A stranger in the name of a friend while you got a clan. Or is it that Africanism is?




    6
    • Lisa
      01.08.2017

      Shameless eyes indeed!!




      0
  • Jules
    01.08.2017

    Some people are meant to be lessons in this life…warning signs are always ignored as well, life, take notes from the lessons. Vote wisely, keep peace!




    4
  • Ali
    01.08.2017

    *Biko? Auto correct kills!




    0
  • mazagazaga
    01.08.2017

    Have the usual commenters left for “home” and left the Internet in Nairobi?




    5
  • Blain
    01.08.2017

    Great read!




    0
  • lynnah
    01.08.2017

    if only men can listen to their wives advice….take home not all friends can be trusted with money.




    9
  • That Guy
    01.08.2017

    Solid piece of advice there… See you on the 15th. Hehehe and do up an invoice for the exams you conduct though I think the counter invoice from the advice you get might make you broke. You better off with the symbiosis going on there




    2
  • Elvira
    01.08.2017

    Hehehe..Reminds me of the proverb Kafiri alipaye deni siye sawa na mwungwana adaiwaye ..translated to The infidel who pays his debt is better than the free person in debt. Let’s pay our known and unknown debts. Happy voting.




    7
  • amboko
    01.08.2017

    I want to fall asleep holding a boob… 🙂

    Great piece though, money does indeed test the mettle of our friendships; advice from the lady though, wisdom redefined.




    0
  • Dennis A. Mbogua
    01.08.2017

    I relate…….paying the price to let go of baggage….and free breast examinations. 🙂




    0
  • yvy
    01.08.2017

    trully amazing, price we have to pay to be rid of things, n yeah friends and cash dont go hand in hand




    1
  • Mkash
    01.08.2017

    It’s even worse when this person is family…aargghhh. How to do away with such? 🙁
    Lakini that boob Chocolate man…eish!
    Happy Elections guys…. let’s keep it civil. #Peace




    0
  • hahahaha @bikozulu; I can’t believe the statue in Barcelona transformed you into a boob guy.
    I don’t get it with folks who borrow money from friends and then to start lenga-ing when it comes to payback…so for the times people have come to me with requests, if I have, I will give them an amount which if they didn’t pay back, it wouldn’t destroy the friendship or that which I can afford to lose. I’m not rich anyway, so I don’t have many friends knocking down my door for financial help.
    Now..(when the shoe is on the other foot) Given the way folk are testy about doling out their hard-earned cash; I’ve sometimes borrowed money from my platonic bestie. He knows when I borrow from him, I’m in dire straits…hehehe; but he also knows that I value his friendship and would never do anything to sabotage that. So he’ll loan me money and never remind me to pay back, nor will he ever embarrass me on cyberspace, because I always transfer back the borrowed funds.
    It pays to have great friends who can come to one’s rescue, but it also pays to pay back as promised because no one knows tomorrow. Like what if one is on an intrepid jaunt and sudden expenses come up? You need that person who’ll be a ‘blue tick on a whatsapp message’, who will be accessible when you call him up and who trusts you enough, to bail you out.




    14
  • Marie Key
    01.08.2017

    I love the way you write @bikozulu .. :)..




    1
    • Charlene Kibenwa
      01.08.2017

      I’m actually not convinced he wrote this. A good read all the same. 🙂




      0
  • Passerby
    01.08.2017

    I wish men would just listen to us women. That intuition shit is real man!




    1
  • Caren
    01.08.2017

    They say with Friends and Family, only lend what you are willing to Loose…




    6
  • LK
    01.08.2017

    Happened to me story different cast, only that the friend was very close at the time. Still hurts….




    0
  • Patrick Thuo
    01.08.2017

    That boob has seen a lot. Bad days and good days. Never in competition with the hip other than that one day. It is the K (Constant not Grand) in the equation.

    She (the owner of the house and more) is surely wise on matters of life. She might be an old soul like yours with an ego or she might just be experienced.




    9
  • Shillah Raymond
    01.08.2017

    Why do people find it hard to pay debts? You asked for money promising to pay back but you dont. Thats being unfair. Its infact inhumane. Such should be shed off!




    0
  • Dm
    01.08.2017

    What a break from disheartening news this week. What a way to start a new month. Thanks Biko!




    0
  • Hilda
    01.08.2017

    And all along I thought you slept holding your own boob lol




    7
  • Wanjuhi
    01.08.2017

    All this time you are talking you feel something nudging the small of your back, and when you turn back slightly you see a trunk; it’s the elephant in the room telling you, “Ask him, ask him!”.

    In another world I will write like this!!!




    16
    • Nyawira
      01.08.2017

      That line bagged the price!!! Too funny!




      0
  • Guru
    01.08.2017

    Funny thing I started reading this piece when I was in the loo *guilty*, anywho it’s a great piece Biko!!! We all have that one friend who still hasn’t repaid our money




    1
  • Muteshi
    01.08.2017

    This!!
    “Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” She says. “Sometimes, like in this case, it’s through debt. Think of the other half he owes you as money you have paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship”




    0
  • Wacukah
    01.08.2017

    You are lucky you got the half, been there done that, endless lies, unanswered calls/messages, empty promises and the repeating cycle and then on social media their lives still go on. smh. ”Think of the other half he owes you as money you have paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship.” Let me ponder on that for now.




    2
  • Kels
    01.08.2017

    It’s about time women started paying us for the breast examinations. Good thing is that we are prepared to discount the rates




    1
  • Lauryn
    01.08.2017

    That boob though…..you emphasized sana lol.
    Ion: This is so true, friends who cut themselves off you through debts…….but they not really friends, just people you know through other people




    0
  • Merci Jowi
    01.08.2017

    “Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” She says. “Sometimes, like in this case, it’s through debt. Think of the other half he owes you as money you have paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship.”
    Well, Biko until it’s family that does this to you. It hurts to the bone marrows, because with family you can never free yourself(the clan will not allow you to).




    1
  • mandy
    01.08.2017

    GREAT READ. I LOVE IT WHEN IT’S FUNNY AND FULL OF LESSONS. OWNER OF BOOB IS A WISE ONE… LIKE ME;-)




    0
  • Kennedy
    01.08.2017

    That storo……..i still remember man…..!




    0
  • Njeri
    01.08.2017

    hehehehehe….what a way to start a week off? Money vs friendships




    0
  • Enyankabaria
    01.08.2017

    Real life stories. We encounter this kind every day. When they ask for kedo 5k I give them five hundred because I know they will never give it back and they will never ask again. Problem debtors?




    2
  • FloH
    01.08.2017

    Ofcourse grandma’s are allowed to have sore hips, it’s not like it will make her miss her Yoga classes i can feel your pain Biko, but this story is more hilarious than painful…




    2
    • Size 10
      25.08.2017

      I found the constipation request hilarious




      0
  • Biegon
    01.08.2017

    Nothing worse than debt. You feel like you’ve already disappointed the person you owe. That’s why I, we should endeavor to pay back. Nice read Biko man.




    1
  • Ng'ash
    01.08.2017

    We each pay a price to get rid of some baggage in life. Good read, see you on the 15th God willing. Happy voting too.




    0
  • Tony
    01.08.2017

    Right or left? … the boob that is.




    3
    • Mnati
      01.08.2017

      @Tony , Left Definitely . You get to feel the rhythmic heart beat in tandem with the susurration of her breath. Plus the left boob is larger than the right one.




      1
      • Joy
        02.08.2017

        Susuration……




        0
      • Wanjiru
        03.08.2017

        Mine isn’t.




        0
  • Carol
    01.08.2017

    Awesome read as usual. Biko personally as a rule I don’t loan friends money. I will give if I have but will never lend. Learned the hard way……




    0
  • Jetoloxd
    01.08.2017

    My grandma is called gaudensia_the late actually. Named her grandaughter after that amazing woman _her sirname only. That gaudensia name needed to remain dead my friend




    3
  • Mr. Tubz
    01.08.2017

    Totally Relatable. The Boob is full of Wisdom.




    1
    • Ava
      01.08.2017

      Woe unto yee’ that don’t listen.




      0
  • Mr. Tubz
    01.08.2017

    Someone once said – always lend what you don’t need. If it comes back, well and good; if it doesn’t come back, well you didn’t need it in the first place either.




    3
  • django
    01.08.2017

    @Bikozulu, have you seen De Niro’s A Bronx Tale?




    3
  • Stine
    01.08.2017

    Awesome read. unfortunately many people have fallen victim.
    may we learn from our mistakes & keep wise boobs! hehe




    1
  • francis
    01.08.2017

    Rags to riches ama? Sikuelewa why the title am duanzi like that. Anyway, happy voting boss and you never sent that confirmation.




    0
  • Wairimu Wa Chege
    01.08.2017

    Life won’t give anyone a notification that the world is not meant to be all peaches and cream.We are betrayed by the ones we trust most, but such is life.When a season is over, pick up your mat and move to the next season.Sadly, that is the world today!




    2
  • Anne
    01.08.2017

    I promised never to loan money to my friends.If they want, there’s Mshwari, Tala, and lots of other financial institutions. I do not have your patience and maturity.




    7
  • tabby
    01.08.2017

    we all have this kind of friends…sometimes its painful but we got to live with them




    0
  • Cagholine
    01.08.2017

    Some of us leaving comments on bad debtors could be very much the same. Look inwards too




    7
  • Mindie
    01.08.2017

    now i will give the story from the other side, a little over 10 years of friendship, withstanding debt, sister genuinely in hospital, doing harambee then you cut me off for this. i felt they put monetary value on our friendship. never bothered to ask how my sister is. it broke my heart. and i did pay full amount on the date i stated i will pay by, it just was not soon enough for her.
    yes there is that debt dodger: then there is that cold hearted bastard. my mum told me what your wife told you, God needed her out of your life and although it hurt, she needed to be gone.

    Anyway, amazing writing as always Biko




    1
  • MuthoniM
    01.08.2017

    Good one, I only lend money am ready to lose.That way it never hurts when the debtor ducks.




    1
    • David
      01.08.2017

      Smart Move…




      0
  • David
    01.08.2017

    Sigh!! Those people who never pay back their debts should always constipate.




    1
  • Eve
    01.08.2017

    “Don’t you think it’s time you started paying me for these free breast examinations?” hahahaha, I die




    1
  • Lisa
    01.08.2017

    Then, payments made by me for this freedom is too much!




    0
  • Benji
    01.08.2017

    And I read this awesome piece holding a Boob




    5
    • Nancy
      01.08.2017

      Show off hahaha.




      2
  • Emmanuel Dennis
    01.08.2017

    Hehehe… Biko? This post. One, I have a couple of high profile friends like this one described here in. Second, the pervert in you and the free boob examination, LOLESTEST! Kindly endeavour to have a credible election free of Dusty Rags…….




    0
  • pau
    01.08.2017

    Hand on boob sleep, sleep like a baby 🙂




    1
  • Wa Mso
    01.08.2017

    Ha ha ha….Mpesa names! I have one that would probably make you bite your tongue: one of my teachers once wondered rather loudly whether it was not cruelty on my parents’ part to name me such.

    Can relate to this story: friends and relatives cut off coz of debt they owe. Some if not all feel nothing about it…but there’s a good feeling that at least they’ll never call you again to borrow, and if they do, you have a faaat reason to tell them no or ignore them without the smallest bit of guilt.

    Great hilarious read Biko. Let’s vote with civility. 15th it is.




    0
  • Low lying fruit
    01.08.2017

    Aki now I have just sent someone one of those angry messages. My ex also asked me for money and the story went as the above. Messages not answered. Phone calls not picked with I will call u back I a min a meeting.If you are always in meetings how come you are not making enough money to pay me back? Knowing that stingy man he probably sat down with a calculator and calculated all the money he had even spent on me when we were dating and asked for it in form of a loan. But people are dodgy .Wueh




    7
    • Catherine Nyambura
      01.08.2017

      Ati with a calculator… wah… now that’s cruel.




      0
    • Wanjiru
      01.08.2017

      An ex also did the same thing to me….




      0
    • Nana
      02.08.2017

      The same was done to me…Wicked man.




      0
    • Becky
      15.08.2017

      Hahaha , calculator
      What kind of men do you date ?
      Good riddance he is an Ex




      0
  • Kaluki Kyalo
    01.08.2017

    “Before you drift off in sleep, one hand on one boob, you whisper in her hair, “Don’t you think it’s time you started paying me for these free breast examinations?”

    Looking forward to such privileges….You make single-hood sound boring Biko




    2
  • Njue
    01.08.2017

    “The whole reception suddenly smells of wet sawdust and impending violence.”

    I’m in tears.




    1
    • Size 10
      25.08.2017

      Tears for me too




      0
  • Jimmy karago
    01.08.2017

    “you find him burning in a ball of fire and you happen to have a full bladder that can put off the fire if you pee on him, you will opt instead to pee on the carcass of a dead dog.” Such an act of malice




    2
  • Catherine Nyambura
    01.08.2017

    Now that I’ve recovered from laughing….
    When it comes to money, I only lend what I can afford to lose. And of course as your woman says… if the person doesn’t pay, I’ve paid them off to stay away from my money *happy dance*

    Seriously though… from conversations with my colleagues in the office (male) I’m always amused at how easily men lend money. A woman will always make you fill a 25 page questionnaire to see if you qualify to be lent money.

    Happy voting y’all.




    13
  • @clif_the_tall
    01.08.2017

    I think i should just send this article to some guy who owes me money. Dude has been sending me small lump of cash sijui tangu last year. ka punch hapa ka thao pale. It is seriously irritating!!! The funny part is that when you ask these people to pay you back YOUR money they start saying ” Ni thao tano tu ndio unanidai hivyo?” I mean, if it was just elfu tano tu, why did they borrow it in the first place?? So annoying.

    That woman is wise, she is oozing wisdom.

    Happy voting Kenyans next week.




    17
  • Vee Nico
    01.08.2017

    Awesome read! You got me cracked up. And the boob part lol




    1
  • Marmanet
    01.08.2017

    Who’s friends with these guys truly, niggas be all sweet cajoling some dough outta ya pocket but do the vanishing act on payback time?




    0
  • Whitney M
    01.08.2017

    Hilarous!!!




    0
  • Stephen
    01.08.2017

    I hate lending people money. It’s always awkward when you ask for it. Like you can hear your friendship being rocked on its foundations.




    2
  • Koori
    01.08.2017

    The pimple is a bad sign for me as well. Great piece




    0
  • Terry
    01.08.2017

    Totally relatable. Some guys don’t just get it.




    0
  • Karyah Margaret
    01.08.2017

    when you are a single woman you are clueless on life most of the time. Then you get married and even Solomon has nothing on you.




    5
  • Ayoub
    01.08.2017

    Good reading.

    Friendship and money don’t mix well.




    0
  • Kenn Mwaria
    01.08.2017

    Nice read!




    0
  • cindy
    01.08.2017

    Wow! reality at the ground.




    0
  • Betty Mwasao
    01.08.2017

    “…staring at the pimple on her chin. That pimple is never a good sign for you. It’s a party pooper.” your subtle sense of humour is quite refreshing!




    1
    • thaara
      21.09.2017

      time of the month, code red




      0
  • kevin
    01.08.2017

    one hand on one boob




    0
  • Salim
    01.08.2017

    which means he will pay in roughly a month’s time, donge? Totally misplaced…donge! the exclamation is rightfully in place only when you are being addressed by a voluptuous fine luo lass who out of admiration is trying to drive a point home with some element of reassurance and your ignorant self will not get it. donge!




    1
  • kevin
    01.08.2017

    one hand on one boob… biko yawa tho




    0
  • S Makori
    01.08.2017

    it once happened to me. I swear, holding a boob…..




    1
  • Joe Brown
    01.08.2017

    Or rather, if someone promises to pay you back by a certain date, delay giving out the funds till that date, and if they still require it by then, know your goose is cooked! You won’t get it back!




    2
  • abdullah omar
    01.08.2017

    a boob in hand is worth more than a breast for examination




    0
  • okakafelix
    01.08.2017

    Am I the only one who saw what Biko did here…
    That pimple is never a good sign for you. It’s a party pooper.
    anyone?Literature my people..(last to comment)




    10
    • Kevin
      16.08.2017

      Hahaha yes, I saw that! The impending visitor of the month 😀




      1
  • harriet owalla
    01.08.2017

    I have laughed myself silly…ive had such experiences..people are mean but malipo ni hapa hapa..very annoying




    0
  • hyxoul
    01.08.2017

    am always a victim of this..to a point i don’t give anyone money anymore with a promise of refunding apart from my mother who will always promise to refund the 1G she borrowed plus the current 2Gs she is borrow at the moment…and i sleep comfortably holding boob..hahaha




    0
  • carol
    01.08.2017

    ”The easiest way to kill a friendship is to lend money to an unreliable friend.”

    This is totally true.
    Worse still are those that feel entitled because they assume you have no responsibilities to take care of and so you should lend them money anyway.

    Usually,if I have to lend someone money,I give hat I can unregretfully part with.




    1
  • Serotonin Queen
    01.08.2017

    Uh-oh! Now i guess we all know why giving loans is so hard! Esp if your hustle is getting money from your African parents 😉




    0
  • Shiru Muigai
    01.08.2017

    hahhahhahahahahhahhaha Biko …..yeahhhhhhhhhh you are backkkk stick to that boob sorry woman she is wise. Consider the balance of the debt as sadaka . Surely the idiot had to be a lawyer sawa tu. Great read.




    0
  • Tichi
    01.08.2017

    Reminds me of someone who owes me over a year now, iam telling u theres a very painful and valuable lesson to be learnt from unreturned denis… *off to call them now




    0
    • Size 10
      25.08.2017

      How did the call go?




      0
  • Murithi Murithi
    01.08.2017

    Paying debts is known as Gentleman’s Dignity, but what do I know, while am being suffocated by Mshwari and Tala soft loans….




    1
  • Martin Fundi
    01.08.2017

    Life. Happens to us all. Great piece. Also sounds like you letting off steam




    0
    • Size 10
      25.08.2017

      Like someone owes him big money




      0
  • Mbeke
    01.08.2017

    *You honestly couldn’t care less if his grandmother had swallowed a wooden spoon.*
    HAHAHAHAHA. Nice piece Biko as usual.




    2
  • Dikki
    01.08.2017

    What other things besides voting?

    I don’t suppose you need a week off to hold boobs, do you? Or with the cold comes more detailed physical examinations that may require more time?




    1
  • Jay Jey
    01.08.2017

    I have laughed myself silly …. constipation wish and the boob holding got me…




    1
  • Tony
    01.08.2017

    The sarcasm in this read is just out of this world. Just wanted to keep reading. Boob I’m one hand, will revisit the post tomorrow. 🙂




    0
  • Jaymoh Kimox
    01.08.2017

    Great read as usual. I am amused by the wisdom a lady gets on constant breast exams. So educative. I once led 150k to a colleague through sacco loan guarantee. He changed jobs and the last thing I heard is that he was in Dubai. On further investigation I was informed the crook was hiding in Nyahururu doing Irish potato farming. I still pray that he gets a bad thunder clap. The type that burns people to ashes!




    1
  • Carol Ohonde
    01.08.2017

    The wisdom of wives ;-)!
    Love the final line lol!




    0
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    01.08.2017

    That guys is an ass for sure. We all have that one. Guys know the dude friend that borrows money and turns it into a storo and then never actually get around to paying back. I think I am more affected because I have a good heart and I want to help all of humanity. I give this one 3k that one 7k the other one 4k maybe 5k to another and mostly the good ones return but some lame ass people don’t. They make it a storo and make the friendship overly awkward. My succor though as your missus says is that life gets the wrong people out of your way. One at a time.
    Good read.




    5
    • Becky
      15.08.2017

      Can I be your friend, I pay back my debts.




      0
  • Valary Orakoh
    01.08.2017

    You never disappoint Biko. …… Oh I’ve laughed like I’ve never before….. The grandma’s sore hip and the constipation did the trick this is my face now.




    0
  • Nyawira
    01.08.2017

    Halfway through reading today’s post i was tempted to copy the link and send one of those ‘see your life’ messages to some human who hepad with my money! Funny how the story is the same across all dodgy borrowers.

    Before giving out loans you have to decide what matters more between the friendship and your money.




    0
  • Mumbi
    02.08.2017

    Aaaaaaah…. How is this my story and ‘pals’ who conveniently forget they owe you money. Anyway I’ve internally ndwele sipited such characters off my life . Nie ma!




    0
  • Elsie
    02.08.2017

    When people come to borrow money from you they are all humble and with puppy eyes and you really pity them…
    When it is time to pay back, gosh, it’s like they become the devils PA! One had the guts to tell me ‘And by the way why did you even give me? It wasn’t like I was really in a bad place..’ I was so furious I had to use some unorthodox means to get it back. To cut a long story short the guy still owes me half up to today. That was 1 year ago.




    0
  • Jacob
    02.08.2017

    I wouldn’t have put it better .This is the story of my life.

    Money For me is usually the Litmus test.

    Fair friends lost,fair friends gained…




    0
  • panaO
    02.08.2017

    …..It’s a party pooper…
    ..one hand on one boob, you whisper in her hair..




    0
  • silent fan
    02.08.2017

    you like that one boob aloooot…

    great read Biko..




    0
  • Dottie
    02.08.2017

    You tell God, “Lord, you know me. You and I go a long way. So you know I’m not a bad person even if I ask you to send a bad form of constipation to this guy. Open your cupboard of constipations and pick the very worst of them, something that will make his eyes turn very red and pop veins out all over his forehead. Make it last a month. Put a stone in his stomach. But if you can’t do that, Lord, I would understand because you are all about being the bigger person. Get one of the angels there to do it, instead. Pick one of those who sit under a tree the whole day, practicing their harp and eating natural yoghurt
    .”#dead eeeish Biko you have killed me lol!!!!




    2
  • Dottie
    02.08.2017

    lolest! waaah
    You honestly couldn’t care less if his grandmother had swallowed a wooden spoon. She has a sore hip, fine, but the world is full of people who are nursing something sore. She has lived her life, she has grandchildren, surely, she is allowed to have a sore hip. Besides, it’s not like that sore hip has completely messed up her yoga classes.




    0
  • Shiroh
    02.08.2017

    Great read. Happened to me and they guy just had to get into the same mat as I. The embarrassment made him pay half the money. I am still waiting for the other half.




    0
  • Dottie
    02.08.2017

    I totoally feel this story,after i put a lady in central police cell for owing me money and talking sh**t i never lend anyone money not even family members




    0
  • Shameem
    02.08.2017

    How I have been missing out on your blog after such a while of uni schooling!

    Good readings as always with something to learn from.




    0
  • Ruth Mbugua
    02.08.2017

    LOL!!! Great read Biko!! Your humor is on another level
    I’ve had several experience like this, lending money to people who never return your calls and some even vanish from the face of the earth, until I had to develop a tough skin and reply by saying “sorry, wish I can help but.. Yeah.. It’s a rough season, you understand the highs and lows of business”…but humans though!!!

    Can’t wait for your next post! Happy voting y’all




    0
  • Toma
    02.08.2017

    One of your best pieces yet. I’ve laughed the entire post. And immediately after sent it to someone whose been giving me the exact same run around.




    1
  • I Odumbe Kute
    02.08.2017

    Great read Biko.




    0
  • Lydia
    02.08.2017

    There are free available debt collection skills online.Looks like most people could use some.

    It is ok to say that you are in no position to lend out money.If you tell the borrower this twice,they will most likely get the message and stop asking.

    Ladies,if a man asks for money from you ,and he is not in your money lending circle of pals,,send him to his guy friends.He will never ask you again.

    A neatly dressed ,physically fit man once stopped me outside City hall asking for some 50 bob for fare.I politely told him that it is shameful for a man to beg from a lady and to go ask the male taxi drivers to sort him out.He walked away in shame.




    1
  • collins
    02.08.2017

    sawa ww enda ivo utarudi after aug 8 tukisawanasa…meantime we can wait if that dubai guy will rethink and settle his outstanding balance




    0
  • Nelly
    02.08.2017

    But if you can’t do that, Lord, I would understand because you are all about being the bigger person. Get one of the angels there to do it, instead…….. hahahahahahaha! If only God delegated our prayers like this.

    Sometimes it’s so hard to say ‘No’…. So you just lend with the hope that they’ll pay!




    1
  • moseh
    02.08.2017

    Am going to sleep,I wish I could be holding a boob,any boob




    0
  • Chela
    02.08.2017

    The M-Pesa thing was hilarious. So true though. I learnt through a very similar experience to only lend money that I can afford to live without. Great article. Can’t wait for the 15th.




    0
  • Val
    02.08.2017

    hahaha Biko you are silly.




    0
  • abdullah omar
    02.08.2017

    A boob in hand is worth two in a bra




    1
    • stephanovmutua
      03.08.2017

      pwahahahahahaha




      0
    • Size 10
      25.08.2017



      0
  • Kevin
    02.08.2017

    I once heard the borrowee telling the borrower that it would not be a good idea to give him the money he was trying to borrow because he knew there’s be drama to follow; the calling for money, the excuses, etc, so instead of both of us subjecting ourselves to all this, si I just stay with my money, you stay with your need, we kosana right now and get it over with?




    3
  • Emily
    02.08.2017

    Totally relating to this. A friend genuinely borrowed some cash and when it was time to pay back, it was excuses after excuses… I got so fed up with him I cut him off for good.

    Good read Biko!!




    0
  • Sarah
    02.08.2017

    I know one who had a ‘miscarriage’ while queueing at the ATM, mscheeewest.

    Excuses after excuses, smh.




    0
  • Crazybish
    02.08.2017

    Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives….deep and hilarious piece !




    0
  • Naomy
    03.08.2017

    “Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” She says. “Sometimes, like in this case, it’s through debt. Think of the other half he owes you as money you have paid to free yourself of this obviously soiled friendship.”

    Every little thing surely happens for a reason.




    1
  • Irene Mburu
    03.08.2017

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a while…., this was a good one and I like your wife’s wisdom.




    0
  • stephanovmutua
    03.08.2017

    The worst ones are those get mad when you ask for your money ! Hell has a special place for them !




    3
  • Morton
    03.08.2017

    Been there, done that (loaned some ‘friend’ cash, who never paid back despite numerous follow ups) and learned my lesson. Bottom line is, friendship doesn’t mix well with money. At least nowadays i don’t mix it.
    Great read Biko, as usual…




    0
  • Njeri
    03.08.2017

    Nice read.
    I have so much do say about being owed, its not even funny.
    By a former tenant. He was in a “bad corner” by the timw lease was up and owed 2 months in arrears 50k. Deposit was bearly enough to cover the repairs and repainting which had to be done as per lease agreement. I decided to take on repair costs but asked them to give me a repayment plan for rent owed. That was Oct 2011. Yes. I am still waiting. And some point he told me hoe God had used me to support his family through difficult time…
    Smh.




    0
  • Anastasia
    03.08.2017

    aah Biko! i have been through this one. and when i asked he said he wished he had it too , that he could really use it!!! i almost swallowed my tongue . these fuckers,, nkt!!!




    0
  • Wanjjiku
    04.08.2017

    Best advice I ever got, when it come to family and friends, only lend money you are willing to lose.!!




    0
  • Kimuya
    04.08.2017

    Haha, this is masterpiece




    0
  • Fareed
    04.08.2017

    Think of it like the price you pay to rid yourself of baggage in your life- I have been in the same situation. Unfortunately i did not get even half, i lost more. Now i will let it go.
    Thank your wife on my behalf.




    0
  • Mama Twins
    04.08.2017

    I see there are others who like to sleep holding a boob and the same boob for that matter. I don’t understand why they neglect the other, in fact i think it is starting to catch feelings, it is even beginning to look smaller. 🙂




    2
  • Miss Champagne B
    05.08.2017

    This was excellent! I will be back!




    0
  • Jeff Yaolah
    06.08.2017

    Can relate to this but I haven’t met the person for over a year,phone number changed and moved out of town .Hio silku naomba ifike haraka .




    0
  • Patricia Kasamani
    06.08.2017

    Good read as always…but I like your last two lines most…




    0
  • Njeri
    09.08.2017

    Anyone else having withdrawal symptoms ama niko peke yangu? This is one week when we could do with some laughter and inspiration.




    0
  • The RR
    09.08.2017

    Good read as always. Slowly taking small steps following in the footseps of such an artiste. Check out theregardedretarded.wordpress.com for a viewing.




    0
  • Rosa
    12.08.2017

    Boob lady is a wise one. But you are too forgiving. Exact thing happened to me and one month overdue I reported the lass to CID. I will not have my heard earned cash working for someone else. I also blocked said women from all social media platforms. So called friendship over. No retreat no regret. Lesson learned : money and friends don’t work




    0
  • Oscar Ogutu
    12.08.2017

    “Sometimes we have friends who we don’t need in our lives and nature has a way of purging them out of our lives.” This is so true. Great read.




    0
  • Muthoni
    13.08.2017

    I find the title very befitting. I have a few of those myself… Dusty rags. It’s good riddance, I agree.




    0
  • Noureen
    14.08.2017

    HE damn right saw you since you are not made of moisture…..thanks for making my nigh by making me LOL




    0
  • Persis
    15.08.2017

    Great read as always! That awkward bumping into someone who owes you money is the worst feeling ever..you kinda feel embarrassed on theit behalf.




    1
  • EggLayer
    15.08.2017

    The puns, the drifts…i just endevour.




    0
  • Muguima
    16.08.2017

    Very refreshing after a hard days work.




    1
  • Wanga
    18.08.2017

    that pimple…….party pooper! so so funny…




    0
  • Cheptoo Cece
    22.08.2017

    OMG!!
    This is so relatable is every word, crazy negative prayer you just did there, frustration, anger, and experience + THE BOOB.
    I’ve shared this article with all those people who maybe a fan to your incredible writing as well as the same people who own me money. They better read in between those lines -LITERARY!!
    .
    Maze, you are just a light bulb!!

    FOODIES: http://www.tastiedine.com




    0

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