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Found and Lost.

There are readers who don’t comment. They email me thoughts. Some are long emails, others are short emails. Some make sense to me, others only make sense to them. Some become e-friends, others become real acquaintances. This particular one began with this girl emailing me to tell me that her widowed mother – now a retired teacher in the village – is a big fan of Mantalk and that she would be thrilled if I emailed her on her 65th birthday to wish her a happy birthday. I thought, why the hell not? After all, we are both products of mothers who were teachers. We have to stick together against all those people whose mothers used to wear high heels to work. Plan was; she would transfer the content of my email to a Word document, print it as a letter and deliver it to her mother. So I wrote her mother an email on her birthday. Something as cheesy as you would expect. You know;

“Hallo Mama Purity

Boy, was I chuffed when your daughter emailed me to tell me that you read me, a whole English teacher! What an honour, ma’am! I hope retirement is treating you well. How do you fill your time, anyway? Do you have goats and all? Do you sit in the verandah, reading glasses balanced on your nose? You must be so relaxed. And happy.

Anyway, a little birdie – okay, your daughter – mentioned that it’s your “happy birthday” today and that you are – for some reason that I don’t understand – a huge fan of Mantalk. Well, happy birthday! Do you have a cake? Are there balloons? What is your wish today when you blow the candle? I hope you blow many more candles because your daughter thinks the world of you…yada yada yada…

I went to town with that letter.

She was very happy to read from me, the daughter told me. Flattered even. I was flattered too and happy that she was happy. I honestly thought I would go to heaven after that.

Anyhow, the daughter and I kept in touch. She would write in once in a while to comment about a story I had written or just gas. She was sharp, funny and very queer. It helped that she never wrote those long, dreadful emails because I never want to spend my life reading long emails. They were snappy emails, over before they started, sometimes not even ending, as if she started writing them and lost interest midway and sent them anyway. She also addressed me as Jacko, perhaps to mirror her whacko.

Sometimes she would write very strange, one-line emails: “Jacko, today I saw a bird that reminded me of you.” I wrote back asking if she meant a bird as in a chick or a bird with beaks and wings? Then she wrote, “A bird; warm-blooded, egg-laying vertebrate. I know it’s odd but I saw it and thought, that bird reminds me of Jacko. No reason at all.” Inread that and giggled like a bird. Then I said, “Well, I’m flattered. Why did it remind you of me, was it because it was peeing on someone’s windscreen?” I have been told I look like many things, but not a bird. It’s the highest compliment you can receive on earth – to be likened to a bird – because some people remind others of crocodiles or porcupine or snails.

Like a submarine she would resurface after several weeks, without warning. “Jacko, I have a question for you and answer me honestly because you don’t know me and I can’t judge you. Ready? Okay, here we go; When do you consider yourself an adult?” My first thought was to say “All the time,” because it has an adult ring to it. But when you sit on it for a moment you realise that it’s a question that demands, at the very least, some form of exertion in the form of introspection. Because technically half the time we aren’t even adults. Like on the road, we are all juvenile, not giving way, tit for tat. At work, we are even worse; kissing the ass of the boss visiting from the London office, wanting to be the favoured one, to be seen as the only one working by waking up at 2am to send emails and copying the whole bloody world. We moan on Facebook, which is nothing like being adult.

I mulled over her question for hours and then wrote back something I imagined was half amusing but also illuminating. I wrote, “When I don’t lose my national ID. I’m one of those people who hardly lose their national ID. What about you?” She wrote. “I’m at my most adult when I’m buying sultanas. Have you ever shopped for sultanas? Only real adults know how to shop for the right sultanas.” Then she was off again for a month. No email. No smoke signal. Like a spy in a movie who steps into the rain at night, collar turned up, and is gone.

I never knew when or what she would write about next. Or what time that email would come. Sometimes I would find it sitting there in the morning, sent at 3am. Other times I would find it after coming back from the office washroom at midday. “How have you been?” I’d write in reply and she once said casually, “I have been battling depression. It’s like walking around with a black paper-bag over your head.” And then she changed the topic by writing about something that happened to her in the underground parking after work. “I got to my car and remembered that I had forgotten my car keys upstairs in the kitchen. I then leaned on the car and waited, hoping that a good samaritan in the office would have seen them and would bring them down. No chance. Talk later Jacko.” Then she was gone.

Sometimes it would be a short email with something like, “ Jacko, from these emails, do you think I’m a good or bad person?” (Me: Definitely a bad person.) Or, “Jacko, you seem to know many things. Here is a cracker – can one tell how fast a beard belonging to a teenage Nordic grows?” Or, “Hi Jacko, what do you think your enemy would say in your eulogy? If you condensed their whole day’s speech.” This one time she wrote and said that she had a pimple in her nose and that it would wait to itch in a meeting and she asked me if it was unlady-like to use a pen to scratch a pimple in one’s nose.

Some days – after days of radio silence – I would find an email from her asking me if I knew anyone, a contact, in the Ministry of Water and Natural Resources. I would not know if she was for real or just yanking my chain and so I’d write back and apologise for my lack of contacts in the water department, but that if ever, in the future, she needed a contact in the city council’s water and sewerage department I would be of great help. There would be days she would send me a passage from a book she had read, always something with cobwebs. Or I’d wake up and find an email about her thinking that she had a twin in the rural villages of Kraków who thought, ate, walked, slept like her. (Me: Like a doppelganger?) “Yes. Do you think I’m being a bit crazy?” (Me: “Yes, but just a bit. I will tell you when that becomes a bit more.”)

It would go on in that fashion – disjointed, fractured, drifty, voluminous thoughts. At first I suspected that it was a guy writing in as a woman. (It has happened before). Then I figured it was actually a woman but maybe someone who belongs to a secret cult. Then it occured to me that they were not 100 percent, and not just the quirkiness but the yoyo-ness. Like they were two women in one woman. Both unhinged. Both lost and unknown to each other.

Of course she was fascinating. There was no knowing what she would write. I never asked her about her life – where she worked, how old she was (estimate mid to late 20s), or if she lived in Nairobi or Isiolo – because her emails were always like smoke, you could never catch them and retain them long enough to make complete sense of them. Her name on her email, I googled much later, was a rare flower: Kokio. To mean it was most likely a fake email address, like some people write from when they want to email me about something they are embarrassed or scared about. She always signed off as Purity. But for all I knew she was a man. Or a clerk who worked in the water and sewerage department. It could be Fred, who sits next to me in the office. It could be a bot. It could be a spirit from the other world. It could be a bored doorman at a hotel in UpperHill.

Over a month ago she emailed me. “Jacko-man, how are you? That’s the only guest writer [Mannequin Wedding] you have brought that I didn’t want to put in my blender and make a cocktail from. Can I confide something?” She was three months pregnant, she said, and added that I shouldn’t worry it wasn’t mine (haha) and that she was depressed on top of being pregnant and that she was thinking of finding peace with it by “checking out of this theater of life.” She said that she couldn’t live with a baby on top being “ill inside,” that she had to do it fast because she could already “feel the legs of the baby growing in me,” and that she had to end everything. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” I wrote back and said, “If you are planning to kill yourself and are asking if it’s right or wrong then I’d say wrong. I’m sure there is another solution. I can’t think of one right away but I’m sure dying isn’t the only one.”

That was many weeks ago. She hasn’t replied. I have sent two knock-knock emails, nothing. I have been on look out for suicide reports in the newspaper and searched RIP in Facebook but seen nothing. The death reports on Facebook don’t tell of the causes. She could have been buried by now, with her baby with grown legs. Or she could be at work, forgeting her car keys and waiting for an angel to bring them down to the basement. Or hospitalised with mental health issues. Or this could have been someone’s very healthy joke, a personification, something born out of boredom or curiosity or, worse, both.

The internet remains a weird place; you never know what you are looking at – smoke and mirrors or the real thing.

Purity, you odd child, if you are real and you didn’t off yourself, send me a smoke signal.

193 Responses
  • Vicky
    20.03.2018

    Oh my….

    1
    • derrick
      20.03.2018

      some conversations are rare,mysterious and so deep.
      But this is the very condition of existence. To listen to people and respond ,listen and respond and the cycle keeps growing and you get some attachment.
      This is a time in life when you expect the world around you to bring new things. And then comes a day you wake up and its gone . See,life will always have holes ,holes of people missing,friendship lost,places vacated;Absences. Losses. Things that were there and are no longer with you

      87
      • Blackbeauty
        23.03.2018

        Wow ❤️

        2
      • Milkah
        28.03.2018

        True, and somtimes a part of you is long gone in the very holes.

        2
    • Dona Dotty
      20.03.2018

      Purity,please send a smoke signal.
      We need to know you alright.
      Biko ,you always get me with each story I read.

      17
    • tabitha
      22.03.2018

      sending purity some hugs gal send biko smoke signal

      2
      • Lesobet
        22.03.2018

        That Guest Writer story ‘Mannequin Wedding’ got me too Purity! I hope the ‘black paperbag’ is off your head and off your entire life now..

        7
    • John Doe
      18.04.2018

      Okay!

  • RightAngledCircle
    20.03.2018

    Lovely Piece Biko…. I was once a ghost reader of your blog, a shade, never giving a comment or a like ,but everyone eventually has a change of heart, because this blog is a seductress.

    Hey gang check out this lovely story . https://rightangledcircle.wordpress.com/2018/03/19/chronicles/

    22
    • Morris
      20.03.2018

      True

      1
  • Dave
    20.03.2018

    Early bird

    1
  • Joy
    20.03.2018

    Nice read Jacko
    May be she’ll resurface after reading this

    2
  • PK
    20.03.2018

    Goodness!!

  • Twinkle
    20.03.2018

    Deep stuff !
    From one non-commenter to another,sending love and prayers your way, Purity.

    13
  • Tele
    20.03.2018

    Today’s sounds more like Biko☺

    9
    • Joshua
      22.03.2018

      Really?

  • Grace
    20.03.2018

    Oh God…. This is weighty…. Looks like mental health issues… Purity please reach out…

    16
  • Georgina
    20.03.2018

    This is somewhat disturbing to imagine… The last part especially. and for you Biko, to know but can’t do anything about it because you really don’t know. *sigh*

    13
  • Wairimu Just Wairimu
    20.03.2018

    Mannequin wedding is the best guest writer that’s been here in a long while.. a reason to look forward to Thursday mornings

    18
    • Princess Maggie
      21.03.2018

      She writes every Thursday? I want the read too

      • Aisha
        21.03.2018

        She blogs @ Hootingowl.co

        2
      • Wairimu Just Wairimu
        22.03.2018

        Yes, Hooting Owl..make sure to start from the first story,and be prepared to do nothing else for about 3 hours

        1
  • Vole
    20.03.2018

    The internet… Its a dark smoky hole.

  • mtk
    20.03.2018

    Ohw….makes you feel like you should have done more…I feel you…

    1
  • Priscilla Wambu Kamau
    20.03.2018

    I feel her. Sometimes you just want out.

    7
    • TheBlackKennedy
      20.03.2018

      I can relate

      1
  • Kiki
    20.03.2018

    Oh gosh Purity. I know. This life…but we must push through. I hope you are ok.

  • Ty-ty
    20.03.2018

    Was she ever ‘The first to comment’?
    Hope she is well.

  • Makena
    20.03.2018

    Isn’t this the sweetest

    2
    • Abdikarim
      20.03.2018

      Jacko, you are funny. May be the funniest person on earth. I love your creativity. I will meet you some day in sha Allah.

      1
  • Jon
    20.03.2018

    Purity ping Jacki bana

    2
  • Elizabeth Wangui Muguchu
    20.03.2018

    Reminds me of my long lost lover that I met accidentally over a period of 15 years, at least once a year. Nostalgia.

    2
  • Imma
    20.03.2018

    Was she ever ‘The first to comment’?
    Hope she is well.

  • Chep
    20.03.2018

    My younger sister has attempted suicide twice, she calls before attempting, I’m scared of what will happen if she tries it again and nobody is near to check on her. We are getting her professional help. I tear reading this.

    14
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    20.03.2018

    I know we keep whining for better endings Biko but that is human nature. I am hoping so hard that wherever this odd child is she will write and calm the turmoil. And if at all it is a bored doorman in some hotel in Upperhill we should applaud their consistency in character. Maybe? The internet does sound weird but we love it. The smokes and mirrors are an escape but the reality sort of never leaves. The emails though! Reading long emails and eating cold kebabs are one and the same thing. Also hitting your toe against a table falls in that category. Perhaps also eating raw carrots. I applaud you a little bit for reading and responding to anonymous emails but even more for the letter to a retired teacher. Our teachers are underappreciated. Moreso the English teachers. English teachers like my dad. It is sad that a politician once called them “hawa watu wa a e i o u”. Scum.

    101
    • L.M.
      20.03.2018

      What ios wrong with eating raw carrots? I love eating raw carrots…..

      20
    • Jerusa
      20.03.2018

      My father was an English and CRE teacher…. Oh the books we had to read

      1
    • Magda Wallace
      20.03.2018

      hahaaa there’s an M.P. who said that for real? haha

      2
    • Dazed
      20.03.2018

      I would copulate with your brain in a heartbeat, as soon as you quit hating on raw carrots.
      Light and love…

      7
      • Low lying fruit
        21.03.2018

        This comment has just niniid me

        4
    • Nomzamo
      21.03.2018

      *Teachers of English

      3
      • Duncan Mbela
        21.03.2018

        Was waiting for this correction. My mum would be disappointed if she read just how many times the mistake has been repeated here by Biko and gang….. She whipped me to agree to saying, teacher of English

        2
    • Santiago
      22.03.2018

      There are readers who don’t comment. They email me thoughts. Some are long emails, others are short emails. Some make sense to me, others only make sense to them. Some become e-friends, others become real acquaintances.

      Wesh huyu ni Mimi hapa, Bikozulu amenizungumzia. Najaribu sana, kwa vyovyote vile tuongee na yeye lakini kidogo amaemua kupotea mtandaoni. Naomba unipe sikio lako tu nikupe uhondo. Sidhani siku moja yatufaa ama mwezi ama mwaka, nina uhondo kamili, uhondo mwingi, uhondo uliozaa na kulea watoto alafu watoto wakalea wajukuu.
      Mimi miaka yangu ni haba kama samaki wa ziwani mtoni. Niko na miaka ishirini na mitatu lakini Niko na uhondo mwingi. Sitaki nikuchoche zaidi radha iishe.
      Nipate kwa njemalbo@gmail.com tuzungumze.
      Kuwa na siku mwafaka bin shabash.

      1
    • Santiago
      22.03.2018

      Wesh huyu ni Mimi hapa, Bikozulu amenizungumzia. Najaribu sana, kwa vyovyote vile tuongee na yeye lakini kidogo amaemua kupotea mtandaoni. Naomba unipe sikio lako tu nikupe uhondo. Sidhani siku moja yatufaa ama mwezi ama mwaka, nina uhondo kamili, uhondo mwingi, uhondo uliozaa na kulea watoto alafu watoto wakalea wajukuu.
      Mimi miaka yangu ni haba kama samaki wa ziwani mtoni. Niko na miaka ishirini na mitatu lakini Niko na uhondo mwingi. Sitaki nikuchoche zaidi radha iishe.
      Nipate kwa njemalbo@gmail.com tuzungumze.
      Kuwa na siku mwafaka bin shabash.

      1
    • Edna
      26.03.2018

      I eat raw carrots. I feel targeted

      1
  • Twinkle
    20.03.2018

    Deep stuff!
    Purity, sending lots of prayers and good wishes your way from one non-commenter to another!

    1
  • P.Ciku.
    20.03.2018

    Sad..

  • Sheerow
    20.03.2018

    Maybe the next smoke signal will be from her doppelganger, that would be interesting

    3
    • Nigel M. Nassar
      28.03.2018

      Maybe you are Purity!

  • Ngina
    20.03.2018

    I Pray that she is OK.

    2
  • Mela
    20.03.2018

    Purity where are you… biko jacko misses you

    3
  • Joan Nelly
    20.03.2018

    What a weirdo, in a good way though. I think she was actually depressed and found it easier to confide in a total stranger than the people around her. Purity kindly resurface, Biko is worried. Kindly let us know when she checks in! I am one of those people who never leave a comment though. Some stories are just so sad so after crying, I often find myself too upset to even leave a comment.

    3
  • Cathy
    20.03.2018

    I always felt Iike writing anonymously. Sometimes I feel disappointed with myself and I wonna talk about it to someone who wouldn’t judge me.. I feel Purity. May she find peace. May she find love in whatever way she may.

    24
    • Ruth
      20.03.2018

      Me too. i look for bikos email and freak at the thought of my dirty linen in the wrong hands

      3
    • Zahra
      20.03.2018

      When I feel sad and disappointed and sure no one will understand me, I write to myself. I have quite a few emails from myself to myself. Helps keep me sane. Plus share my deepest thoughts with myself 🙂

      13
      • Ruth
        20.03.2018

        haha I should try that. I write in my journal very vaguely in my journal

      • Wairimu
        21.03.2018

        Hehe I see there are more sane people out there like me. I always write them down in a poem. My journal is full of sad poetry about my thoughts, predicaments, disappointments, anger etc. It’s the only way I keep my sanity in order.

        1
      • Cathy
        28.03.2018

        I think this could work for me. Write to myself. I used to keep a journal it kept me sane

        • Asenath
          17.05.2018

          Feel free to write to me. I’m always on my email and I love to listen. And I am lazy. So I won’t be too nosy. Catch me at kasaneth@gmail.com.

  • Michelle
    20.03.2018

    Hi Purity, Depression is not a death or life sentence. You can have a full and happy life. You can raise your baby. You are precious. Just book an appointment with a psychiatrist and comply with the treatment. You can be well.

    1
  • Kinaga
    20.03.2018

    Come out Purity!

  • Mercy
    20.03.2018

    Purity please send a smoke signal

  • Sheerow
    20.03.2018

    Maybe the next smoke signal will be from her doppelganger, ha, that would be interesting

    1
  • abdullah omar
    20.03.2018

    get to my friend in siberia jacko to give you something to use on her.for your peace

  • The Granny's Corner
    20.03.2018

    I am freaking out for her. and for you I guess. Reminds me of a time Dennis Peters wrote a post that sounded like a suicide note. I have my issues to deal with and sometimes I just don’t give a fuck. Not this time.

    I rushed to my contact list to call him only I didn’t have his number. So I called (or wrote) to his friend, Franc (or her sister. I think I should stop taking sugar already. Memory) and I got his number. Only he was writing in third person. He was writing for a friend as we commonly put it.

    So I can I imagine you sending those emails hoping to change her mind. I don’t know about you but I feel responsible for such. I would feel guilty if I didn’t do anything about.

    And Dennis, you gave me a scare: https://dennispeters.blog/2017/12/04/writers-last-log/

    • Newton
      20.03.2018

      That sounded like a suicide note for sure. I can only imagine how scared you were

  • Owa Papa
    20.03.2018

    It shows that perhaps people entrust is with way more than we ordinarily appreciate…and even on the simplest of interactions, we should be alive to this possibility. In the meantime Purity, please shoot back we take a sigh of relief. To the rest, life cannot be that bad…it’s a largely perception issue.

  • Florence Katono
    20.03.2018

    Purity please, we are all waiting. Show face.

  • Eunice
    20.03.2018

    Purity, you odd child!.
    Please email back. Please!

    4
  • Jenny
    20.03.2018

    Purity…we are waiting. Are you alright?

  • Sonnie
    20.03.2018

    Oh dear

  • Nelly
    20.03.2018

    Just like a smoke…

  • Purity
    20.03.2018

    Oh my! I just wish we could all have some genuine people to talk to when things get tough. Purity, my namesie, please send a smoke signal. We might not understand your dark demons which we all harbour but love you.

    21
    • Phil
      20.03.2018

      I fear that you are the Purity we are searching. Please Purity, send some smoke mail!

      1
    • Edna
      26.03.2018

      Or this is you sending a smoke signall Purity?

  • Duprez Okello
    20.03.2018

    Depression is real & affects the best of us. Purity if you are reading this, from one survivor to another just know that it will get better. At the darkest point of our lives, there is a very bright abyss right ahead of you – the anxiety will subside, the baby will come & pure joy shall ensue

    22
  • June
    20.03.2018

    Depression is a slow killing disease which is hidden so well by its victims which is a very bad thing coz it eats one up slowly. I pray Purity speaks up soon because the world needs her and her child! And even if she doesn’t need the child there are adoption options!!! Purity come out soon pris!!!!!

    4
  • Riri
    20.03.2018

    Of late there are too many broken people! And unknown to us, they are mainly the people we spend lots of time with; they won’t tell us though, we have become judges and preachers who base sermons on people’s darkness. If only we could be a little kinder, a little more caring, a little more of genuine love…….

    Purity, if you are still there, we are all waiting on you:(

    21
  • Sash
    20.03.2018

    Wow! This one left me wondering how to find Purity, just to ensure that she’s 100% mentally and physically; hope she does respond eventually.

  • Stained Soul
    20.03.2018

    There are more people with mental health issues than are known. Nobody wants to be labelled mad which only adds to the depression and others thinking that one is putting on an act, telling you to “Just snap out of it.” You can’t, you need help and sometimes you do not know who, how or where to ask for it. Incorrectly it is said that those who say that they are going to commit suicide do not. Some say it hoping for help but when no help is forthcoming they just go on and carry through their threat. Purity Kokio please see a doctor. They will help you deal with everything happening to you and maybe even help you “Centre” yourself.

    11
    • Irene.
      20.03.2018

      Well said.

  • Patricia
    20.03.2018

    Purity, please do send a smoke signal…….we are waiting…..

  • Ruth
    20.03.2018

    This odd child. Mmmh i wish like Biko to know for sure.I wish i could find you sometimes you lose hope and feel broken and the people in your life keep pushing you to even worser places,maybe even circumstances.Biko taught me its never that serious when i feel insane its what i hang on to. I totally understand some questions like if you are a good person or not ,sometimes you just want to know for sure . I hope you are still there. If its any consolation you are not alone.

    2
  • Kimani
    20.03.2018

    Purity please, Jacko and the gang want a smoke signal like yesterday.

    1
  • Falcon
    20.03.2018

    I have been a vivid reader of your humorous filled articles because honestly sometimes this is my best place of inner peace for I have battled depression too many times to count. It gets better. Bikozulu writing blog is my safe haven since I started reading it in form three(2015)till date…I have read but never commented due to my introverted ways thinking “Ooh… How will they say about this fellow with queer words of choice “… As the days progressed though, I found my voice and I aspire to become a profound writer just like you Mr. Jackson (And maybe surpass you if the gods decide. Hell! Maybe in milleniums to come)
    But today I relate to Purity wherever she may be even if its another dimension of earth with “Jacko” as the only channel loop of communication to earth one….Depression is real but days get better. Better days come and greater glories await
    “Whacko” may God bless your soul for lightning up my dark days with your articles (especially that one about holding a boob and demanding compensation for free inspections)

    17
  • Mzangila
    20.03.2018

    So mysterious yet so enchanting. Hope her story will have a happy ending. I love happy endings.
    Like this one http://mzangila.com/theyre-just-children/

  • Mufasa
    20.03.2018

    Finally before I even read, Biko I was grumpy in the morning. Reason being I slept a bit mad and was mad in the morning , a bit. Your article was my Canaan and you were Joshua.

    Thanks let me go back to reading.

    1
  • Renee
    20.03.2018

    Purity,

    I’m sending you love wherever you are.

  • @clif_the_tall
    20.03.2018

    I really do hope that she is alive. The bravest thing that Purity can do is to continue living when all she wants is to end it all. Send that smoke signal already Purity. Whatever it is that you are battling with, you shall overcome. Am rooting for you.

    11
  • Pat
    20.03.2018

    Coincidence that she like “Mannequin Wedding” by a fellow Purity?

    • Janet
      20.03.2018

      I thought so too!!

  • Dove
    20.03.2018

    Purity, and getting a whole post from him should make you want to live longer. Maybe one day he will write a book of you or on Kokio.

    Biko is attached to this one fan…and it still feels adult. It should.

    6
  • Kagwiria
    20.03.2018

    May God help you Purity, if at all you are real and alive….and please reach out, don’t keep stuff to yourself, I believe there are people out here who care

  • Christine
    20.03.2018

    Oh my… I pray she’s fine… Poor girl!

  • Sal
    20.03.2018

    Googling Sultanas now…It feels like you guys dated. On serious note, I hope she is well and glowing in her pregnancy

    7
    • Mufasa
      20.03.2018

      I saw the pun hohoho

      2
  • Irene
    20.03.2018

    I feel you Biko,.At times people are lost and look for redemption in all weird places . Lets hope that she is okay .

    2
  • Mufasa
    20.03.2018

    I don’t think Purity is odd. She is just herself. Everyone is unique in their own way and this her’s. At some point if you have gone through siht at and that belief in yourself is lacking such thoughts do cross one’s mind.

    She reached out to Biko meaning she was weighing her options so I hope and trust she made the best choice for her. I hope to hear from her through Biko.

    Or Biko maybe Tamms writing to you…. as a way of getting back at you…. hohoho

    6
    • Ehud
      22.03.2018

      The Tams part made me laugh.

  • Mushie
    20.03.2018

    Wueeeeh….I hope she is okay…(If she is real)

    1
  • amboko
    20.03.2018

    True to form, indeed you count the days to the next flower bud bloom…. waiting on the next bloom of the “Kokoi” the Hawaiian Hibiscus!

    2
  • Aisha Mayoyo
    20.03.2018

    No one ever says goodbye unless they want to see you again- John Green
    A friend of mine once told me that it’s not the end until it’s okay. It may not be okay with you maybe, but it maybe okay with her. All in all i hope she reaches out.

    2
    • Asha
      23.03.2018

      I like that: it’s not the end until it’s okay. I hope is is okay for Purity

  • Black Panther
    20.03.2018

    How many are the times we are out on a sunny day and surrounded by people, and yet engulfed by thick darkness and gnawing loneliness..

    7
  • Jen
    20.03.2018

    Bikozulu, I have a said it here before that you are a good person with a good heart (I get that from tone of voice/words). I hope that because you chose to be available for her when she needed answers to odd questions, it made an effect and that she hearkened to your last email.

    What can we do other than wait and pray? So we will pray and wait.

    5
  • Emmanuel Dennis
    20.03.2018

    Team Jacko all the way!!!

    2
  • Sophia Ngugi
    20.03.2018

    I am in the category that just reads and nod my head,”nice, no comment” but today I make an exception. My heart goes out to Purity. I hope ‘Purity’ is still alive and reading the blogs. You didn’t mention if she reads blogs, her mum reads mantalk… Purity I believe you are out there and wondering why all these people are acting concerned yet you may have reached out to them in form of other people you assumed were close to you and they simply shook their heads and walked away. There is a lot of loneliness in this busy world, we are together yet so apart. We are selfish, judgmental, ready to throw a stone. But right here, in this world there are genuine people. What I have learnt in my 40’s is that genuine friends exist, those who love you and care for you. Open your eyes and the sunshine will shine through. It looks/seems dark but the sun will rise. I hope you get a ray that allows you to peek out and see the sun. It is okay to seek for help, professional help to cope with what seems impossible. I wish I can be that person who listens to you, because I do listen.

    26
    • Black Panther
      20.03.2018

      very well said Sophia

  • Sirvy
    20.03.2018

    I hope that smoke signal comes around soon …I like that she is intriguing ,in her thoughts and her expression as she doesn’t filter them to fit you best.

  • I hope Purity is fine, and the silence just means she has gone on a little vacation to have some “me time.”
    That probably she is sipping her favourite drink on a private beach, somewhere hot and wifi-less, because some time alone to think would be better than being on social media where the thoughts and arguments of strangers and friends and strange friends sometime attempts to fill the void that she’s feeling.
    Purity, if you’re reading this please holla. It’s never that serious, and there’s no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. Reach out to someone.
    It sucks when communicating with people who don’t communicate back, especially after one has poured out their thoughts in what may resemble a thesis..hahaha.
    I dislike it when someone doesn’t reply, it makes me feel like I’m talking to a wall or a padre, like a confessional of sorts. It is akin to saying hey to my stuck-up neighbours who don’t say hey back, but will frantically ring the bell when they need something.
    I may sometime choose not to reply to messages, but that’s only when it’s a crazy millennial (a man) who I don’t know from Adam, but wants to fill my inbox with “Hae bae..can we chat?” On a good day, I may be tempted to say, “Noppity nope, I’m the same age as your junior aunt.,” instead I reply, “I am a very busy person.” I have informed some folks that they will be blocked after they’ve sent disturbing pictures. Insane what guys can do with loads of time and bundles on their hands.

    5
    • Irene.
      20.03.2018

      Caroline you have expressed it as I would have. Especially the paragraph of people who don’t communicate back. It’s great to know that there is someone out there who thinks like me.

      1
  • P K
    20.03.2018

    Purity you don’t have to show up here but at least show up on Whacko Jacko’s inbox am rooting for you both.

    2
  • Kami
    20.03.2018

    Inner peace is the most precious thing ANYONE should always have, to maintain their sanity. Unfortunately, a good number of us don’t have this so, we hide behind this facade…which isn’t good.
    I pray that she finds her inner peace, but if not, she reaches out to Biko again…and that he will be able to help her.

    1
  • Milly
    20.03.2018

    So sad..

  • Eunice
    20.03.2018

    Sad. When she replies, please let me know.

  • Kirika
    20.03.2018

    Damn. I like purity already…my kind of odd ball. Purity if you’re reading this, I would love to know you and I hope you are still around. As a person who has experienced a bit of depression, it should get better. I hope you get to that place that is better.

  • Sue
    20.03.2018

    Biko you make every little incident to be soo amazingly interesting to read.. I see why purity would turn to you. hope she sends you a smoke signal or something

    1
  • Florence
    20.03.2018

    There are readers who don’t comment…………… I am one of them but today I have decided to.

    2
  • Nava
    20.03.2018

    I hope she responds. My friends smoke signal on face book was read a few hours too late.

  • Liv
    20.03.2018

    Purity, write to Jacko already. I’d also find it so much easier to confide in a stranger. And if anyone reading this wants a stranger to confide in, write to me – livweiller@gmail.com.

    2
  • Nyokabi
    20.03.2018

    I’m so glad that in this day and age when it’s tough being an “adult” – we have people to touch and be touched by albeit in many unorthodox ways. We are all routing for “Purity” and hoping that she was able to meet her dawn…

    2
  • Faith
    20.03.2018

    Oh, my heart weeps for Purity. Sounds like a keeper

    1
  • Tina
    20.03.2018

    I hope and pray that Purity is okay. Jacko please,if she replies, connect her with a counsellor or a professional who can help her. And maybe, ask for her contacts. you might hook up for coffee (or a drink) and get to listen to her face to face.She trusts in you

    1
  • David Mwenda
    20.03.2018

    Purity get out it sounds like Biko hasn’t had a meal in a while trying to find you.
    But seriously I hope she talks to you again. Also when she does tell us so that we also stop getting worried

  • Gitaû
    20.03.2018

    As a reader who doesn’t comment , I have decided to come out of the woodwork……..Biko there’s a reason she/he reaches out to you, if she does it again please indulge her/him.

  • Mwende
    20.03.2018

    This has reminded me of a friend of mine. Always a bird..you never know where they go to perch their next nest and when they’ll be back. But I really like that you are even sending a public message for her to see and know that someone cares. Sometimes, that’s all that someone needs to push on with life..just a little hope that someone out there cares.

  • Quasimodo
    20.03.2018

    ☹️

  • Selina
    20.03.2018

    Sad , I hope she will be lost and found

  • Nyadhira
    20.03.2018

    “I have been battling depression. It’s like walking around with a black paper-bag over your head.”

  • Tracy
    20.03.2018

    No email, no smoke signal. hahaha 😀 I haven’t shopped for a Sultana before. Am I an adult? I also lost my I.D once when my purse was slit at the bottom in town with a razor. I walked for a while before realizing I only had a shower cap left in the bag.

    I doubt I am an adult. Really. But I try every once in a while.

    https://tracygesare.com/2018/03/20/let-go-and-let-god/

    3
  • Yvonne
    20.03.2018

    Sad!
    I hope you’re okay Purity.. hugs!

  • Mo
    20.03.2018

    Mental health the most ignored disease and currently its becoming a leading cause in loss of life..purity hope you well and you sought help..kindly send a smoke signal to Jacko if you read this..

  • Resident Vet
    20.03.2018

    Touching, sad that for some of us our friends have been depressed yet we didnt even know of it. It pains when someone tries to reach out but they do not seem to get the right outlet. May the stars shine on you Purity

  • genson
    20.03.2018

    Sometimes it helps to ‘talk’ to people who sort of ‘understand’ you….Purity and Jacko understand each other…..

  • Nicholas
    20.03.2018

    Biko, just curious, do birds pee?:-)

    • Ken Kago
      28.03.2018

      Sorry, this is coming too late – a week late – but have you ever spent a couple days in shagz! And does your Cucu keep chicken? Chicken are birds, right? Ever cleaned after them? Like sweep where they ‘sleep’? Ever noticed any wetness? Some things we need not be curious about!

  • Ararita
    20.03.2018

    A reader who reads n never comments…jacko biko Tuesday’s are marked ……… Purity please keep the baby. All will be fine…………. My first comment this is an achievement…..

    2
  • Sare
    20.03.2018

    Sounds like Purity suffers from bipolar disorder where she has two personalities. I wonder where her significant other is and what he might be going through. My wife battles depression and the bad days are … bad. She talks about wanting to commit suicide and when she sees death notices she wishes she was them. We’ve been living apart for several years because of job demands and there are times when I wondered if I would get a call in the middle of the night from cops. Thankfully the separation is now over and I can be there for her.

    4
    • Moh
      21.03.2018

      You’re a good support system for your wife. May God help her overcome the depression and may you both have a beautiful happy marriage

    • Asha
      23.03.2018

      Salut!

  • Lilo
    20.03.2018

    Biko, this post reminds me of Noelle from them high school days, remember her?

    You once wrote a story about her and posted a link to her blog.

    Her life was tumultuous and her blog raw, honest and captivating. Though it was her blog, there was really little info to pin down who it really was. Then it went offline.

    To this day I still wonder what became of Noelle. What is she up to, where is she…..and so many questions. I’d love to know, not out of curiosity but in the hope of knowing that things got better.

    I hope wherever she is, life became better, bearable.

    1
  • Sich
    20.03.2018

    Very interesting. Let me comment so that I can be a reader who comments.

  • Keitany
    20.03.2018

    ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going.’
    Winston Churchill.

    Purity, wherever you are, I pray you’re safe and sound.

    Waiting on that smoke signal.

    xx

    1
  • Nyawira
    20.03.2018

    Purity, lovie! First of all, from what Biko’s written about you you sound like a hoot and a half. Part of me was hoping that this post would end in a guest piece from you. That said, wherever you are, no matter how dark it seems, please hang in there just for one more day. I can definitely never understands how it feels to be in your head and going what you are going though but you know what love, every life counts – yours too. The pregnancy may feel like the world dumped on your shoulder right now but with the right kind of help and support swiry you can pull through. And you know what, depression, like many other mental illnesses may not be curable but it sure as hell is treatable. I would know a thing or two about being down that path. Also, if you have no one there for you, I am here. Heck! Even if they are, I am still here for you. Don’t even need to know your identity. Anonymity works just fine. Either way, please just reach out.

    I hope you are ok wherever you are.

    Sending love and light your way my dear!

    PS: you are an amazing being. Don’t ever forget that!

    xoxo

    8
  • Milan
    20.03.2018

    Encouraged. Talk clubs is what we need just like we see in the movies and soldiers suffering from PTSD as props! Gang Let’s talk we are all similar ghosts

    2
  • Katie
    20.03.2018

    No better feeling than confiding in a stranger.
    Purity, some smoke signal please

  • Muthanje
    20.03.2018

    I am not even sure I know how to react to this. Purity- please be ok.

  • Muraya
    20.03.2018

    Purity. Please be okay.

  • Cha
    20.03.2018

    Found and lost? Not yet lost, I believe.

  • Ehud Kibet
    20.03.2018

    I love the fact that Biko can write about anything. When i was reading this story, i though the Purity story was sort of an intro to another strory kumbe its the the main. Everything is a story, you say.

  • SisBigBones
    21.03.2018

    Biko, I’m one of those spectators. But today, I somehow identify with Purity. I hope she’ll reach out again. And I know you’ll be there for her. Sometimes all we really need is a listening ear, especially an anonymous one. One that will not judge.
    Godspeed Purity

  • I Know Purity
    21.03.2018

    She said you send Sh2,500 to me latest Thursday evening then I reveal to you where and how she is.

    • Rina
      21.03.2018

      Are you for real? Why money as a condition?. Just tell Biko if she Purity fine and forget about money.

  • T.Otieno
    21.03.2018

    People are in different worlds altogether.Some in scattered ones,others tend to be realistic but the bottom line is that everyone needs a confidant at times.We all have different problems and sort of madness in us…the reality check will shock you once one talks out their needs.How good would it be if the mind was an open book for all to see…

  • Joe Deveraux
    21.03.2018

    Sad really. I’ve walked in your shoes. Only this time, it was with my Habiba. Get the whole story here >> http://joedeveraux.co.ke/2018/03/09/beneath-her-beautiful/

  • Mary N.
    21.03.2018

    Sad

  • Carol
    21.03.2018

    Reminds me of my friend Peggy…… She also wrote so well.

  • Tracy
    21.03.2018

    The last two books I read -Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson and Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig – were about people who struggled with mental illness, depression and some related anxieties and phobias. And then an article here on the same. Wait, I also read a tweet in the morning about a dude whose mother visited him in the hospital after being diagnosed with depression and the mother was like, I have more important things to do than attend to your ‘moods”. I am like, is the universe trying to tell me something? I think the world has more depressives than we think. It’s time awareness on the same is created and raised. Anyway, I just hope and pray that Purity is doing fine and to encourage her that it gets better.

    3
    • George Njuguna
      21.03.2018

      The “African culture” does not recognize mental conditions as real illnesses. Until recently, HIV and Cancer were considered curses from evil eyes or punishment by the spirits for this or that. I think a lot of awareness should be made about such things so that more help will be available to people who are suffering. Until then, they will always be victims of their circumstances.

      2
      • Tracy
        22.03.2018

        Very true. Awareness campaigns should start like yesterday. It should be acknowledged as any other disease that can be treated.

  • Catherine Nyambura
    21.03.2018

    Purity…. I’m rooting for you. Please reach out to Biko or Nyawira.

  • Low lying fruit
    21.03.2018

    Something a lot of people don’t talk about is how having a baby can take you to the gate of hell and keep you there ringing the bell . If she is feeling that she cannot handle the baby my advise would be not to go ahead with it. Post partum depression has started getting a lot of coverage but there is also pre natal depression. I went through both and would not wish it on anyone.
    And its easy for people to reach out and say that talk to me if you are feeling low but as someone who went through depression almost all of last year you notice a tiredness that comes over people when you take too long to “get over it”.
    I hope she finds a way through all of it however long it takes and if I can share something I learnt along the way is that sometimes all you have to save you is yourself and you have to be okay with that.
    Peace and light

    6
  • Geko
    21.03.2018

    Did Purity sign out? so concerned.

    1
  • Delusional Kenyan
    21.03.2018

    Thank you for this article Biko. As always, brilliantly written. I have had a couple of weirdly exciting , intellectual, quirky conversations with some extraordinarily deep ladies online. Some experiences are from Tinder (yeah, judge me superior human being). Some interactions suffered sudden deaths, others petered out naturally. For a myriad of reasons, I never met most of them face to face. Some of them and a couple who I revealed my writer side encouraged me to start my own blog. I’m a bit rusty with the pen, but I’m working towards getting better. I hope I keep on meeting interesting people who tug at my intellectual strings. Here is one of my first articles. Enjoy. Or not. 🙂

    https://delusionalkenyan.wordpress.com/2018/03/15/wait-for-me/

  • George Njuguna
    21.03.2018

    “When do you consider yourself an adult” – great question. One that I’m about to start exploring myself.

  • Yyve
    21.03.2018

    Your comment*I liked Purity for her weird ,sketchy and strange character I’m sure that you are a beautiful young lady who has a better life ahead with your beautiful baby, please beep Jacko coz he is scared shit for you and we all do.I just hope you are okey and there is a beautiful baby in your womb

  • Lorraine
    22.03.2018

    Purity, Send a signal! better things are yet to come!

  • Kendi
    22.03.2018

    Manequinn Wedding got me moving to the hooting Owl.Now I wait for Thursdays like my life depends on it.Best guest writer eve!

  • Alcatra
    22.03.2018

    Find her

  • Caleen
    22.03.2018

    Oooh Purity, hope you’re hanging in there

  • Muthoni
    23.03.2018

    This reminds of a book I just finished reading ,Eleanor Oliphant is completely fine by Gail Honeyman ,it’s funny , it’s witty ,it’s a blast! Me thinks Purity is completely fine.

    • bikozulu
      25.03.2018

      I’ve read the excerpts on Amazon, Kindle. It sure looks like a cracker. Thanks for the recommendation. I just bought it.

  • Lydia
    23.03.2018

    Purity, Hope you are fine. Send that smoke signal….we are waiting

  • Lydia
    23.03.2018

    Purity, Hope you are fine. Please send that smoke signal or anyone that might know Purity. The gang is waiting….

  • The VillageGirl
    23.03.2018

    This reminds me of a post someone did in a group. It ate me up. I kept thinking about her and I (still) hope the lady is alright.
    Purity, sending prayers your way

  • Asha
    23.03.2018

    Purity, reach out to Biko and we the fans. I’m rooting for you and hope you are okay.

    And just like that, Chocolate Man, now becomes Jacko!

    1
    • Ann
      26.03.2018

      I no longer want to be a ghost reader. I have come out. Always inspiring Biko!

      2
  • Jabali. T
    23.03.2018

    Am beginning to think whatever Biko does here should stop being referred to as stories…stories in my world is an understatement.
    I heard someone say,”normal people move clockwise.” Is it true?

  • Nimu
    24.03.2018

    I’m writing this four days later.. Please Purity let us know your ok….show us a smoke signal

  • Humourjunkie
    25.03.2018

    Purity am sending prayers your way i hope you are okay. Biko, i have loved each and every story you write. Thank you for making my days.

  • Christine
    26.03.2018

    I have never read Biko’s post past 48 hours after it being put up but today i have read this almost a week later .This has reminded me that exactly a year ago i was going through this.I could tell he was depressed but just like smoke he would appear and disappear.On that fateful sunday i saw on facebook his brother and other mutual friends post on his wall RIP.it shattered me…i felt so guilty.Moreso that we were in the same continent,even though different countries..kept wishing should have taken that train ride earlier than easter.Wackiest feeling ever!Took me so long to start speaking about it..So purity dont do this to Jacko,please come back.

  • passerby
    26.03.2018

    isnt jacko a combination of jackson and Biko…sort of like how we combine for celebs like bennifer,brangelina…bla blah..
    nway this is about a week too late but i do hope “purity”is fine..children really are something to live for.

  • Albert
    26.03.2018

    Purity , Tuesday is here again , do something , ..Jacko a 2 words to include in your next .Purity smoked..

  • Batutu LT
    27.03.2018

    I unlike most people read this after “Be Happy” so i rushed back to find out who was this gal and why she was so sad and all… Biko reading this, I must say am glad u are not just a writer but a “real” person.
    Purity gal… hang in there from your emails it’s evident there’s more life for you and in you. Keep strong and stay in touch with Jacko!!

  • sandy
    27.03.2018

    Biko’s blog is read my the kindest most genuine and caring human beings.
    Purity see how much people care that you’re okay?
    As a person who lives with depression , I’m touched.

  • mwenginator
    02.04.2018

    Good to know you respond to “some” of your readers 🙂 I always wonder how your stories would sound in Swahili. Barikiwa – Mwenginator

  • Wacera
    13.04.2018

    I keep coming back here…hoping for some good news 🙁

  • Nkatha
    15.04.2018

    Really weird…….

  • xxx
    20.04.2018

    lol

  • Akinyi Valerie
    02.05.2018

    The deepness in this

  • Lisa
    24.07.2018

    Did she send the smoke signal?

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