Just Wear Clean Underwear

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12

He grunts. More like groans. Deep and guttural, like a predator breastfeeding its young ones. His large head is bowed down, scribbling something in that bad handwriting of theirs. You squirm in your seat and stare at his scalp; he has gone completely bald in the middle. Shards of warm mid-morning light washes in from the large window. Mozart, Beethoven or whatever classic thing is playing from his laptop; weird, soothing music.

As if reading your mind, he suddenly looks up, “I hope the music isn’t too intrusive?”

– No, no, the music is just fine.

More grunts. A small frail-looking bird with a jaundiced beak perches to the windowpane and cocks her small head inside the room. The two of you engage in a staring contest, which she eventually loses and flies away.

“It’s a great thing you have done, coming here,” he leans back in his chair, which groans unappreciatively. “Prostate cancer is the second most common cancer in men- only skin cancer rates are higher. In fact, one out of six men will likely receive a prostate cancer diagnosis sometime in their lives. This, my friend, is the highest killer of men as far as cancer goes. So it’s a great thing you have done coming here because if you catch it early enough, that is before the cells spread past your prostate, your chance of surviving the next 5 years is 100 percent.”

He rummages for something in his drawer, a pack of lozenges, tears it open and pops it in his mouth. We sit in silence, Mozart filling up the room. The frail bird suddenly comes back, no, it’s her pal. I suspect she went and spread the word that there was a patient who doesn’t lose eyeballing contest. This one has a black beak. Unimpressed, you look away.

“I suppose you have read up on this?” he asks.

– Yes, I have, over time, but nothing too extensive, I’m afraid.

“Good…good,” he mumbles, then from one of the shelves, he reaches for a plastic model of an ass, like the anatomy of an ass. With his fingers he points, “This, here, my friend, is the prostate gland, cancer is when malignant cells grow in- ”

And you drift off. You are suddenly scared. Scared of the prostate exam because he will have to use his finger. Scared because you have never had a finger up your anus before, leave alone another man’s finger. Of course there was always that odd freaky ex who suddenly put a finger in there during the migwatos and you had jumped up bewildered, “What the hell is that all about, Flora!!” And she had laughed, “Come don’t be so stiff, you will like it, everybody likes it!” And you had said rather too defensively, “Hell no, I don’t! Please don’t…don’t put anything in there!” Then she had laughed and prod your ribs playfully, “You are such a choir-boy!”

But now you are in this room with this ageing doctor with sagging eyes and you suddenly realise that perhaps this wasn’t a good idea. This prostate examination that doctors recommend for men in their 40’s. “Your prostate is a walnut-sized gland tucked away under your bladder and in front of your rectum,” he’s pointing at his dummy, “It’s the part of your reproductive system that propels- ”

You suddenly notice, with alarm, how thick his fingers are. I mean, if Flora’s finger freaked you out like that, this finger will certainly get you pregnant! You study his nails. They are kind of long. What if they poke through the gloves and severe an artery in your rectum and you bleed to death in that room? Will he be fingered for malpractice? You wonder.

Then with even more apprehension you ask yourself, OK, what if I end up liking it? There are tales of men going for prostate examination and getting aroused. What does that mean? Wait, do you even want to know what that means? And what if that experience stays in your mind long after you have gone home? In traffic? As you buy juice? As you shower? What if you won’t be able to think about anything but how it felt? Does that suddenly change your sexuality? Will you be able to look at another finger and wonder?

My goodness, what if Flora was right?

“Around age 40, your prostate starts to troubleshoot. Androgens, male hormones produced in the testicles, cause the gland to grow. This growth isn’t always a cancer diagnosis, though…” the doctor is saying, then he looks up at you with concern and asks, “Are you OK, my friend?”

– Yes, yes…I’m fine, I’m OK… you croak, avoiding “eye-contact” with his finger.

“Because you are sweating, you want a glass of water?”

– Yes, please, that would be nice.

He gets up from his chair, which sighs with relief, and shuffles – in his socks- to the water dispenser across the room, whistling merrily under his breath. Ageing doctors are always whistling. “Cold or warm?” he asks over his shoulder.

-Cold, thanks.

“So anyway, sometimes, your prostate cells swell and it just pushes on your urethra—the tube that carries the urine out of your body from the bladder –“ and you drift off again.

I mean, you think after he has placed a finger in your rectum and you walk outside this building, will people notice that there is something off with you? Would people in the streets stare you suspiciously, as if they know? Will you walk funny after? Isn’t there another way of checking the prostate? I don’t know can’t they like X-ray the damned prostate or something? Do they have to place a finger in?

Also, shouldn’t the medical practitioners’ board or somebody who actually cares, stipulate the size of the finger that is allowed to test the prostate? I mean, there are doctors out there with mutura fingers, ugly things that look like they were half-chewed by a camel. Should the bearer of these fingers be allowed to use them for these examinations? Isn’t that in direct violation of some medical professional code?

Is there a doctor in the house?

“Do you have any questions before we proceed?” he is asking. You snap back and wish he would stop referring to you as “my friend.”

– No, no questions.

“Okay then, shall we?” he says and suddenly your heart starts hammering away.

“Uhm, can’t we just talk…first, I mean…for a minute…” You say in a small voice and suddenly you are aware how you must sound like a chick. You know, those chicks who say, “Can’t we just cuddle today and talk?”

***

Last month men grew their moustaches (those lucky to have one) to mark Movember, an annual event meant to raise awareness on men’s health issues such as prostate cancer. It’s actually simple, if you have turned 40 and you want to live prostate cancer-free life you just have to go face the finger.

As part of my good deed for the day I decided to get more information about this prostate cancer biashara because one day I will be 40 and I will go through this finger business.

I went to AAR Health Center, the one at Diamond Plaza, 3rd Floor because they are now open to the general public, as in, you don’t need to be a card-holder, you just walk in. Plus they have employed these hip, smart young doctors, chaps who don’t listen to Mozart.

I found a pretty young doctor. Or is that a young pretty doctor? I think it’s a young pretty doctor. Her name tag read “Dr Sally Wanjohi, Doctor,” which prompted me to ask, “Why do they repeat the “doctor” after your name when they have already mentioned the title?” She laughed and said, she asked the HR the same thing. I think HR needs to give us answers. HR, are you reading this?

Anyway, you will be glad to know that Dr Sally Wanjohi,-Doctor has short slim fingers. I asked her many questions like; how many men’s prostate she had touched last month (50) and how long the examination takes (one minute, three minutes if you cry and squirm and they have to call the nurse in to help hold you down) and if it hurts (no) and if it’s normal for men to get aroused during the exercise (some do) and how she feels about that (it’s a job) and if there are patients who ask her out after they have been examined (some wait a few weeks to let the dust settle) and what her boyfriend thinks about that (hard stare) and how much it costs to have an examination (2,200bob plus 1,500 consultation) and if they do any other tests, (blood work, yes) how long results take (one day) and if after examining male anatomy she can still go down to Diamond Plaza for lunch and eat a sharwama (sigh).

Then I asked Dr Sally Wanjohi- Doctor if there are any special preparations one needs before coming for the test.

“None,” she said.

“So I don’t, like, have to avoid roughage and stuff the night before?”

“No,”

“Do I need to pee, before?”

“No, Biko.”

“What about men with hairy asses, surely you would ask them to shave first to make your work easier, yes? I mean, people have to be considerate, you doctors are always human…yes?”

“Haha, you are mad,”

“By the way, what if one coughs when the finger is in?”

“Well, it only lastly a minute, so I’m sure one can hold a cough…”

“No, but sometimes you just have to cough, or sneeze…then what?”

“It’s never happened to me before…”

“OK but what if you have to cough when you are in the middle – no pun, of the examination?”

“Biko…I really have to see the next patient now…”

And with that Dr Sally Wanjohi- Doctor stood up with a polite smile. I asked for a parting shot and she said, “It’s not a big deal really, it lasts only a minute, it’s painless and I will be gentle. In fact, the only thing one needs to do is wear clean underwear, if possible.”

You heard the doctor. Go get tested, gentlemen. And wear clean underwear.

In the meantime, HR, we are waiting.

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132 Comments
  1. “What about men with hairy asses, surely you would ask them to shave first to make your work easier, yes? I mean, people have to be considerate, you doctors are always human…yes?”
    “Haha, you are mad,”
    You surely mad Biko. I love your writing

  2. “I asked her many questions like; how many men’s prostate she had touched last month (50) and how long the examination takes (one minute, three minutes if you cry and squirm and they have to call the nurse in to help hold you down) and if it hurts (no) and if it’s normal for men to get aroused during the exercise (some do) and how she feels about that (it’s a job) and if there are patients who ask her out after they have been examined (some wait a few weeks to let the dust settle) and what her boyfriend thinks about that (hard stare) and how much it costs to have an examination (2,200bob plus 1,500 consultation) and if they do any other tests, (blood work, yes) how long results take (one day) and if after examining male anatomy she can still go down to Diamond Plaza for lunch and eat a sharwama (sigh).”
    Whoa!

  3. You have a way of describing stuff until one can actually see it

    Wrote about kids with terminal cancer here–>https://pmakau.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/terminal-cancer-ward/

  4. You suddenly notice, with alarm, how thick his fingers are. I mean, if Flora’s finger freaked you out like that, this finger will certainly get you pregnant! Hilarious as usual.

  5. You study his nails. They are kind of long. What if they poke through the gloves and severe an artery in your rectum and you bleed to death in that room? Will he be fingered for malpractice? You wonder.<<<<< hehe Biko I see what you did there

  6. Hahaha…… biko. As usual, well written. I am in the Pharma industry, I have researched about this DRE, I consider it intrusive but necessary. Nowadays, men can have their PSA levels tested and I have also heard about scans in the region.
    I love it. Good work, keep it up.

  7. Reminds me of a post that was done by your other compatriot Oyunga Pala – Must have been six years ago before he quit writing Man Talk in the Saturday’s Nation. And I remember his advice so well, that the day you are going to visit a doctor ensure you wear a clean pant which is not worn out. His reason was you need to be just smart even in the inside. Three years later I found myself being done for a procedure called colonoscopy, but in the morning before I went I remembered his words. And true to my concern I found the doctor being assisted by a young beautiful nurse. So had I showed up in a worn out underwear with visible holes what spectacle could I have left especially if you are the inquisitive type like me that engages the doctor about the nature of treatment to an extent that when you walk out he or she still remembers you by the name even when the two of you meet in the street. But do not be sacred because by the time the day ends the doctor could have handled like 100 cases and probably forgotten about you torn worn out something. Again judging from the conversation you had with Dr. Sally Wanjohi Doctor, well you never know where people will meet again in this small virtual village.

  8. Hehehe, as always you don’t disappoint, that was hilarious, especially the questions to Dr. Sally Dr. If you men are afraid of prostate exam, you should ask women what they go through during pap smears and other tests. I have not had the tests myself but the thought of it scares the hell out of me.

    1. The first time i did a pap smear was because i had a medical cover that was about to expire and i had not fallen sick that year. So, i figured..why let money go to waste? 🙂 I visited a dentist (my first time too) then next was pap smear time (not first time at the gynae though ; )) It is a 30 sec procedure to 1 min if the doc is slow. You should muster some courage and do it! Nothing to be afraid of; it gets finished before you know

      1
      1. @Airhostess, thanks for the feeback and encouragement. The thought of undressing for a stranger just freaks me out, one day though, one day, its inevitable.

      2. I have done pap smear twice now, no biggy for me, however the speculum is usually cold, it even makes your tongue freeze. Could they at least warm it up abit.

  9. Surely one has to pee first!? They let you pee first , at the gynae.
    And yes. The haunting feeling , the feeling that those around you “know” , stays with you for a couple of days.

  10. Kufded 🙂 You have a way of injecting humour even in the more serious issues of life…
    About the finger – book a chinese doctor!

  11. Hehehe serious business here Biko. The humor makes it bearable though. Dad had the test some time this year, was very embarrassed to even say that he went for it. We are in 2014, a better testing procedure is required…..:)

  12. “You suddenly notice, with alarm, how thick his fingers are. I mean, if Flora’s finger freaked you out like that, this finger will certainly get you pregnant!” That’s a punch right there! Thumbs up Biko!

  13. I now do it every year…the beard growing and the test…and its never easy. But the relief of shaving afterwards and the negative test results are well worth it. Great read & thanks for highlighting this Biko.

  14. Talking of fingers…I agree the medical practitioners’ board should stipulate the size to be used even in cervical dilatation.

  15. Hahaha enyewe that’s one experience I wouldn’t want to go through….but how do you come up with this stuff? Ati…..

    ” By the way, what if one coughs when the finger is in?”
    “Well, it only lastly a minute, so I’m sure one can hold a cough…”
    “No, but sometimes you just have to cough, or sneeze…then what?”
    “It’s never happened to me before…”
    “OK but what if you have to cough when you are in the middle – no pun, of the examination?” “

  16. Oh my goodness, that was 21 questions alright. Look on the upside, at least all it takes for guys to enjoy their retirement is a one minute finger up!

  17. … Yes BikoZulu you hit it, you need to do a story for me, will give you overview.

    Remember for the Blood test you need to Boycott 72hrs prior

  18. Hehe, will i like it in there? Will it change my sexuality?

    Great story as always.

    Do drop by mzee-varaq.blogspot.com sometime.

  19. hilarious, thank goodness she has short slim fingers. If she were in my family tree, she would have sausage-like fingers. Ouch!

  20. Biko Biko Biko! I swear only you can make medical “body intrusion” hilarious! I am still laughing, wishing you were female to experience mammograms and pap smears! That’s something to write about!!!!

  21. The true pun in this piece lies squarely on that picture up there. It really does look like a mustache but not nearly one when you’re finished reading. I will probably ever be the same again after this read!

  22. There was this story about a guy who was raped in Uhuru park, they were with the girlfriend, and it ended up turning the poor guy on ……….lets just say they separated.Now i see why…..a finger up that way….scary thought, literally…Loved the read.

  23. Ha reminds me of my first visit to the gynecology when i was eighteen. Biko you should write a book and no you are not weird you paint a very clear picture with your writing . I can see it in my minds eye.

  24. Awesome! I have grown quite weary of this mysterious mustache/beard growing without real answers and coyness. Sharing with my cab guy now!!!

  25. What if you won’t be able to think about anything but how it felt? Does that suddenly change your sexuality? Will you be able to look at another finger and wonder?…….haha, amazing how no man EVER wants anything how big or small to be inserted there….EVER!!

  26. biko you nailed it. think i will have to pause my years at 39…. don’t think i can face the finger. or i will be heading to Congo for the finger. jus to be sure the doc will never see me again. and it will be top secret… classified file

  27. Hilarious way of handling grave topic….without trivialising it.Am due for this test in three years time-hope I will handle it with the humour it deserves.

  28. Biko, I’m never going to forgive you for making me laugh so loud in the office- that finger man, no one looks forward to it.

  29. Seems a HR person lied to us during the cancer awareness month… She said ati docs do a blood test not that fingering thing (nkt)… Kumbe!!

  30. We sit in silence, Mozart filling up the room. The frail bird suddenly comes back, no, it’s her pal. I suspect she went and spread the word that there was a patient who doesn’t lose eyeballing contest. This one has a black beak. Unimpressed, you look away.

    ‘they must have been sunbirds’ hehehehe

  31. Beautiful piece! Awesome writing…a minute of fingering…might be all you need to save a life. Way to go guys..let’s get some fingers up there…

  32. Hihihihi I can’t stop laughing. . “What if one likes that feeling, does it change your sexuality? ”
    Come on Biko the examination only lasts a minute..A good write though. .

  33. LOL Biko you never disappoint. Your way with words just makes me come back over and over again.
    www.thefunshionmistress.com

  34. I’ve been avoiding this post because to be honest the title didn’t quite excite me, so I read everything else until tonight I had no choice. And boy was I wrong. Love it. In hope you don’t mind that I’ve share the link with all my male friends on my Chat Apps. This>> “Also, shouldn’t the medical practitioners’ board or somebody who actually cares, stipulate the size of the finger that is allowed to test the prostate? I mean, there are doctors out there with mutura fingers, ugly things that look like they were half-chewed by a camel. ” Priceless.
    Forever your fan.

  35. hahahaha really Biko??Hilarious
    So am in HR and my guess would be, since most PhD holders use Dr, to differentiate with actual doctors then you place doctor after. but its rather obvious if you are in hospital its an actual doctor but I guess doctors also do PhD and can end up with both titles,,,confusing,,,

  36. I was having a terrible day until I saw this.. dude you’re weird but in a good way though. And how comes I wasnt aware of Bikozulu????

  37. This was just hilarious.. the level of drama in your head just encourages me to keep being myself as well. Well written and most hilarious thus far

  38. I know it’s awkward commenting to this post a year late. Came to learn abt this blog late last month and I am still catching up with earlier posts. I must admit that Mr Biko u r a great writer!
    I directly relate to this post because I have had patients with concerns on DRE as a method of examining the Prostate. We also don’t like it so much inserting your finger up someone’s rectum. It is standard medical practices for any examination. It begins with Inspection (seeing), palpation ( touching), percussion (tapping) and auscultation (involves use of stethoscope) After which you progress to do lab tests and radiology(x-ray). So believe me the finger thing ain’t going away any time soon. But I believe there are worse things in life… haha

  39. I swear Biko you are mad!!! But like someone said, women go through worse. Thanks for making my morning, as always 🙂

  40. Now, let me give my two cents about a clean underwear. Suzy hates to find anything unpleasant on that fabric: semen, sweat or fecal matter. If you want to avoid the latter, always take a bath after pooping. That’s all Brothers.

  41. This post made me laugh out loud my boss came checking wassup…good read anyway MEN get tested for prostate cancer

  42. Read this article way back when and remembered it when I saw this price of news http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-38665618
    New scanning method that allows non-invasive biopsy saves men from the dead of having fingers up their….