Kigali, Rwanda

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I have one reader from Papua New Guinea. I know this because Google Analytics told me so. I used to see him last month, one lone reader from a random nondescript country. Who would have thought? What the hell would anyone be doing in Papua New Guinea? An even better question would be; what the hell would anyone in Papua New Guinea be doing reading my weekly ramblings? I thought maybe it’s an Ex, some girl who reads me while constantly rolling her eyes, bile streaming out of her ears and nose and finishing each article by mumbling, “boooring!” or on a good day, “prick!” God bless you too.

Then I thought it must be an adventurous Kenyan working for an NGO, doing maritime research and he found himself down there, by the beach, putting rare plants and animals in a small jar, forming a nomenclature. Maybe it was a chap who found himself on an unlikely honeymoon because his new bride had always wanted to visit “that place that is called PNG” and they got booked into this grungy hotel by the beach that had deceivingly great pictures online. So maybe he’s lying there, naked, next to his snoring bride (they somehow never snore before you marry them) and reading this blog while trying not to stick his elbow in her ribs to stop the snoring.

Maybe it’s some Kikuyu guy from Molo who is running a curio business, speaking fluent Tok Pisin (but with kuyu accent, naturally) and who all the natives now lovingly call Swando: “Hey Swando, we saw Yengo throw a spear right out of the stadium on TV, is he one of your family?” Kids shout at Swando as he opens his curio shop and he smiles and says, “Oh yes and he’s called Yego. He’s one of us, so is Rudisha and Kemboi.” Then the kids gather around his shop in the afternoon when it’s hot and he tells them about lions and that time he almost got eaten by one near his house when he went out to take a piss. “So are you maasai?” the kids ask through licks of ice-cream and he lies to them. Swando the maasai.

Or maybe that one person in New Guinea is actually a slave, being held there against his will. (As opposed to willingly?) Maybe he’s locked in this ominous haunted house in the palm-treed woods, being fed yams and left over pig-ears and made to work in the farms. He’s gaunt with sunken haunted eyes and his hip bones prick his sides as he curls to sleep on the mat in the damp basement. He found a way of tinkering with the old dusty PC in the basement and one day he powered it (he attended Rocky Computer College) and took three months to log onto the nearby wi-fi but because of the emotional torture he has been through his memory fails him and so has forgotten all his passwords, so he logs on here and somehow he keeps sending an SOS on the comment section but my CMS (yes, I know some computer stuff) thinks it’s a marketing company trying to sell those penis enlargement pills so it keeps getting flagged SPAM and sent to trash.

I haven’t seen Swando online again. If you are the reader out there in Papua New Guinea and you are being held against your will we will get you back home as soon as we are done creating a hashtag. So hang tight.

But then I have Rwandese readers who my analytics have chosen not to pick. Yes, Google found the ONE guy in New Guinea, but has no love for the Rwandese down the road.

A few months ago some lady called Viva Muzungu sent me a long message via Facebook, saying she is a big fan etc etc and finally at the end she said her boyfriend who is an even bigger fan and the one who introduced her to this blog (it’s normally the other way round) was turning the big 3-0. She said that if I could just make a phone call to him on his birthday it would literally kill him because apparently he’s in the habit of quoting shit I write here or saying stuff like, “I wonder what Bikozulu would think of that.” (Aww). So would you please call him on the 28th of August? She asked. So I told her, look, I’m supposed to come down to Lake Kivu but I will hang on and align my trip with his birthday and then maybe we can surprise him? She thought I was bluffing, naturally. But then I wasn’t. That’s how I ended up in Rwanda last week – to kill two birds with one stone.

Here is what they say about Rwanda. That the girls are a knock-out. Nobody talks about the lovely hills, the infrastructure, the terrific groundnut sauce, the Umuganda where people diligently come out once a month to clean their neighborhoods (sounds like high school), the odd shaped corrugated roofs, or about the law and order, the mildness and politeness of the people, or how they drive on the wrong side of the road and from the wrong side of their cars or how shit generally just works down there. Everybody just talks about the chicks. And how amazingly hot they are and how the place is a hotbed of hotness.

You hear so much legendary stuff about the beauty of Rwandese women that you imagine that when you step off the plane you will be knocked out cold by a rush of beauty. You imagine streets upon streets of beautiful women with sparking eyes, long slender faces, longer legs, chocolate skin, glorious asses shaped by mother nature, long hair and that look that says, “rescue me from this beauty please, rescue me, it’s too much.” You imagine aisles upon aisles of hot women in supermarkets, reading labels of products, their supple lips moving silently, others fondling and pressing fruits in the vegetable section while some others bend over healthy products, their hips blocking other customers from passing through. You imagine that they all speak French and that they could be telling you “excuse me, may I please pass?” but when they say it in French, “Excusez-moi, puis-je s’il vous plaît passer?” It sounds so sexy you want to reply, “Yes, I will marry you.” You imagine going to Kigali and come back home with a neck brace because of all the head turning you will be doing to stare at the beauties.

You imagine that there is no richter scale of beauty because every chick is a strong 10. You picture Rwanda as this small last outpost of beauty, a place where the expression “beauty is only skin deep” has been rendered completely useless and even laughable. That the expression “The beautiful ones are yet to be born” is complete poppycock because the beautiful ones get born every day in Rwanda.

The folklore makes you think that Rwanda is about the only place where Toni Braxton will stand in the middle of the street in a short white fitting dress (fan’s self furiously) and traffic will continue as usual. (And on the wrong side of the road, no less). Which is something that is both ambitious, wildly futuristic and somewhat of a pipedream. And so you go to Rwanda with your head full of all this dreamy romanticism of beauty and you realise that, fine, the place is indeed teeming with exceptionally beautiful women but not all of them are hot, because once in a while you see a woman who looks like Diamond. And that consoles you. But also makes you wonder what happened, maybe they got off the boat too early.

It’s only in Kigali that you will see a woman so beautiful, and with such delicate features and amazing symmetry and skin that looks made purely from milk and honey. A woman so delicate looking, you are sure if you touch her she will bruise. Those women who will turn to look you but they are so hot you are forced to look away because looking at them is like looking at a burning bush.

And it’s in Kigali you will see, the really tall woman. Like the big man’s daughter. Makes you wonder; what would you say if President Paul Kagame’s daughter walked up to you to say hallo? First she’s taller than her dad, who is an inch taller than even Obama (and Obama is tall), which means Paul Kagame’s daughter is most certainly taller than all of us, even if we all wore platforms.

Amazingly there are men who are turned on by women who are taller than them. That’s some freaky shit. I wouldn’t know what to tell a woman who I have to tilt my head to look up to. I’d feel so small and vulnerable and weepy. I’d feel like she’s always feeling sorry for me. If she told me she loved me I wouldn’t believe it even if she tattooed it on her inner thigh. Gosh I’d be a mess.

So how does dating a tall Rwandese lass go? When she hugs you and your face is buried in her bosom, how do you feel as a man? And in that position does she pat your head lovingly and say, “There, there, good boy, it’s going to be OK?” How do you even kiss her goodnight? Do you stand on your tippy-toe or does she lift you up and place you on top of a cut tree stump or do you drive around with a step ladder? How do you playfully grab her ass if you have to raise your hand to that? Or is she the one who has to grab your ass? And when you go to a restaurant, do you ask for a pillow for your seat so that you can stare lovingly into her eyes, under the flickering candle? Most importantly, how do you tell a woman who is taller than you, “Come here to daddy?” when she is taller than your daddy?

Had Kagame’s daughter walked up to me in a bar in Rwanda, all words would have flown out my head leaving only seven measly words, which I would breathe out in a whimpering whisper, “Uhm…your daddy? I’m a big fan.” Then I’d stand there looking dumb, feeling very shy because she wears shoes bigger than mine. You know you are in over your head when you try to seduce a woman who wears shoes bigger than yours. Or if she is the one who has to change the light bulb while you peel the onions. Thankfully, I saw some amazingly tall men in Rwanda. Tall and willowy, swaying dangerously in the wind with centers of gravity higher than an Isuzu Dmax. Men so tall they looked like pine.

Viva’s boyfriend – Joel – introduced me to a ton of young professional chaps who read this blog; Victor, Joseph, Frank, Isah, Sankara, David…Cool chaps. Guys who will take Rwanda to the next level. We met at KGL bar. Bars in Kigali don’t play loud music by the way. You play loud music and the fuzz will walk in and confiscate your equipment, no questions asked. They take noise pollution very seriously, that includes loud Kenyans, I hope. So as Sauti Sol whispered from the dj’s deck, these chaps flatteringly recounted to me articles from the blog, with their favourite being “the 3-am Man.” Ladies, note all men, regardless of the level of suave or what language they speak or what country they hail from, are the same. Everywhere. They were a happy bunch.

I noticed that Rwandese men don’t drink like we do. They are very moderate. They drank mostly beer, specifically some beer called Skol in a green bottle. Skol sounds like a cough syrup to me. Skol. I was the only one with whisky on the table. The ladies drank red wine. Talking of ladies, its common practice not to shake hands with women but to peck them on the cheeks. We mostly hug our women in greeting, they peck them on their cheeks. So a lady would join the table and she would go around getting pecked by every guy on that table. Nobody told me that it was light a peck so I just kissed their damn cheeks. Give a Kenyan a peck and he will take a kiss.

Oh and get ready to be hugged by Rwandese men. It wasn’t uncommon for a guy to have his hand on another guys shoulder. The camaraderie was palpable. When I met the boys at the bar, one of them Victor, a very burly chap with big shoulders grabbed me and pulled me towards him in this huge bear hug. I disappeared into him, literally, my face was buried in his beefy shoulders, his big hands around me. I immediately understood why chicks call it a bear hug. As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable. He whispered in my ear, “I love your work, man.” and I wondered what work he was referring to. Hehe. Victor, bottle that hug and sell it to Kenyan men, we’d buy it in buckets.

This group of boys were very close, they all met in campus and have maintained the friendship since then. They call themselves “wandugu” and even have a WhatsApp group. I wonder how they relate in there. Do they send mushy smileys? Do they say goodnight to each other? Good night Paul, bonne nuit Frank, Nite Joel, Nite Joseph, gentlemen don’t forget to apply mosquito repellant, the mosquito season is here Good night Sankara, I’m happy I know you guys, bonne nuit David. Kisses. Etc Etc.

Joel’s birthday went very well the next evening. It was held by the swimming pool of a bowling alley. I was his surprise (I know how that sounds), and Joel is one of those very calm guys who aren’t moved by many things. He seemed surprised but thankfully, he maintained his cool. Like a guy. Nobody cried or hugged for too long. Nobody said anything in french. liked him. Later we all had these massive burgers and someone kept sending Jack Daniels my way. The two love-birds are walking down the aisle mid-next year, hopefully I will get an invite.

Rwanda was epic. To the Wandugu Boys and to the very kind, beautiful, gracious and soulful Viva Muzungu, thanks for being a fantastic hostess. To your fiancé, Joel, happy birthday brother. Last but not least, to Victor, thanks for that hug. Bisous. Hehe.

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234 Comments
    1. The Rwandese experience as utopic! Things works so perfectly. The landscaping is perfect, not a single pothole, no hooting, no loud noise in markets…and even their ‘gikomba’ is in storey buildings that look like world business centre then you land in JKIA and your taxi uses outering to get you home…and you see the garbage kidero promised us during his campaign, the open sewers, the traffic from hell and I won’t bother describing the damn road! That Victor hug will come in handy at this moment.

  1. Good read Maybe it’s some Kikuyu guy from Molo who is running a curio business, speaking fluent Tok Pisin (but with kuyu accent, naturally) and who all the natives now lovingly call Swando: “Hey Swando, we saw Yengo throw a spear right out of the stadium on TV, is he one of your family?”

  2. Biko, I hate the fact that every week when the email on my phone pings (it doesnt actually), I stop whatever I’m doing to read your articles and by the time I’m done, there are no comments yet. Addiction is a bad bad bad thing 🙂

    1. Hahaha…thought the same thing. Well, we haven’t heard about Toni Braxton lately so thnx for throwing her in there. Hahaha

  3. I had a wide smile (and giggles in between) from the first paragraph to the last. Damn… I still have the silly wide smile as I type this. Thank you biko!

      1. If this guy, Biko, is the future, then the future is now. I think he is the only person outside my private space that really makes me happy.

          1. hahaha, now that kills it, I started smiling avoiding my boss not to get me laughin, but this made me laugh soo hard she just looked at me and shook her head, ,,,hehehe

  4. This is the most interesting post you’ve done in a long time….., the description of Rwanda and Rwandan girls is fantastic. Thanks Biko.

  5. Hi Biko, this is one of the happiest Rwandans right now. U blessed with your presence & we just became superstars by a mere ‘mention’ on your blog! I cant work coz am here laughing myself lazy! You have big fanbase here in Rwanda, I guess Google is too pre-occupied by locating our beautiful women to realize we do read your blog! Every week I read. I hope you remember your ‘Rwandan citizenship’ ..you are now RUDAHINGWA! Keep your Rwandan name.. God bless, one love to our Kenyan brothers.

  6. When you meet guy from other countries like Rwanda, the camaderie, hugging and ‘I miss you man’ shocks you, after being used to Kenyan men living like lack of emotion is the manliest thing and Kikuyus not shedding tears at burials.
    Always a good read Biko. Love this.

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    1. I hear you my fellow tall Linda:-). Beautiful piece, Biko, so nice you could surprise your new friend. I love Rwanda, beautiful land of a thousand hills. I’ll soon be calling you for the birthday of my kipenzi pia. Lol!

  7. Biko,
    Really enjoy your work.My sisters and i are huge fans!! If you thought PNG is far ……I’m Rwandan living in Singapore and this
    story made me LOL and homesick.Keep up the fantastic work!

  8. Biko,
    Really enjoy your work.My sisters and i are huge fans!! If you think that PNG is far ……I’m Rwandan living in Singapore and this
    story made me LOL and homesick.Keep up the fantastic work!

  9. Can I give you Dr. Frank Njenga’s number?? Really!!! Felt safe in Victor’s hug. #you will get me fired#tears streaming down my face

  10. “Nobody told me that it was light a peck so I just kissed their damn cheeks. Give a Kenyan a peck and he will take a kiss.” Biko you are my man! A true representation of the Kenyan man’s spirit.

  11. Nice read. Reminds me of my adventures in Rwanda. ION your google folks haven’t picked up a reader from the Balkans? I wouldn’t mind hosting you…. or having another Kenyan around.

  12. And to think am reading this from country where people have big egos, women are overly made up and men are loud..and yah, they too drive from the wrong side of the car and the road hehe.And well, my birthday passed, but I would be glad if you came over for a trip, it will be interesting to hear your description of this place..Cameroon. Thanks for the good read as always

  13. Biko,How do you describe the Rwandese woman with such beauty of craft and then say that some “look like Diamond”? Nimecheka nikalia
    PS: you should been in Durban watching Toni live on stage

  14. Bikozulu should get a share of the billions Kenya will be spending to market the country. He could do very good reviews on what Kenya has to offer.

  15. Now this “As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to meas long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable. He whispered in my ear….” is awkward to say..but well, how better to say it. Nice one.

  16. I actually had to google more about Papua New Guinea. Man the description you gave. Haha. Nice piece Biko. Can’t wait for more

  17. Hilarious as always. I know the dude who reads your articles in PNG, met him in a bar in Baghdad 8 years ago. Right now, he is on holiday in Nairobi as I shelter from the Tuaregs in north of Mali. I will be having a beer with him in 2 or so weeks (In Nairobi). You are invited.

  18. haha but funny read. So who here immediately went to Facebook and searched Viva Muzungu AND then went to her friends’ list in a bid to locate the bear hugger Victor because that hug seemed like it would singly solve all our dating problems? right?
    NOT ME…..

    1. That’s kinda twisted NginaOkeyo! But seriously, we can all do with Victor’s bear hugs every so often especially in this cold weather. Biko, great read as always.

      1. I shall be searching for the Wandugu friends…a peck on the cheek sounds so dashing…also that hug could def sort so many dating problems this side.

  19. While reading this article, my thoughts drifted to Mauritania, for no apparent reason. The last stronghold of slavery. Very nice read though on Rwanda clearly they are doing something very right in both culture and economic progress.

  20. Nice piece Biko!! My husband was born in PNG and your description of the place is hilarious!! Your blog is a nice distraction whenever I’m feeling homesick,good stuff!!

  21. Hilarious …the hug though
    I feel sick everytime I read your blog fighting the feeling that am outgrowing it. What will I read in the loo, in traffic? *sobs*

  22. That description of Rwanda!!!.it’s definitely on my destination list. It’s indeed curious to know how doften you tellike a lady taller than your daddy to ‘come to daddy’…..hahahaha. ..Biko ur the best

  23. You’re good at your art Biko. This line tickled me “It sounds so sexy you want to reply, “Yes, I will marry you.””. By the way what’s with pools and pool guys? You always talk about them

  24. Those women who will turn to look you but they are so hot you are forced to look away because looking at them is like looking at a burning bush.

    I wish i could be you Biko. You totally rock!

  25. Am yet to meet a man and a half, but Biko, you just made 2 and a half. This blog is/has changed so many lives and for that, Kudos!

  26. Now this…. “How do you playfully grab her ass if you have to raise your hand to that? Or is she the one who has to grab your ass? you are a genius with words. you bring your characters to life.” I totally love your work. keep up this great work

  27. Evetytime I read your posts in public people think am high on laughing gas… Who else would make a diamond look bad if not you Bike??

  28. We are so grateful as wandugu family to have such a freat inspiring figure and share a drink with us.thax biko. ISAH

  29. Ha! That hug? I imagined you all feeling safe and disappearing in that bear hug and all. Thanks for this, Biko. Good piece.

  30. As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable…
    hehe…rily? .Good read.

  31. Biko you are the real deal. I am blessed to be living in your time and be able to enjoy your art. Lovely piece as always.

  32. First time commenting.. I dont need a notification every Tuesday am here like a disease.. You crack me up big tym!! Cheers on the good job as always 🙂

  33. You lost me at ” but not all of them are hot, because once in a while you see a woman who looks like Diamond. And that consoles you. But also makes you wonder what happened, maybe they got off the boat too early.”.
    I caught feelings.

  34. Awesome read, how do you tell a woman who is taller than you come to daddy, when she’s taller than your daddy, does she get to change bulbs as you peel the onions, gave me a good laugh, am 6ft tall and I scare the men.

  35. ‘…because once in a while you see a woman who looks like Diamond.’….’Nobody told me that it was light a peck, so I kissed their damn cheeks.’…very funny…I wonder what runs in your mind when you read your own articles…haha lend me your mind for just a day

  36. Got the heads up from a “smitten” Rwandese girl… Very interesting read. And I love your fans… A very mature lot…

  37. Hahahaha, i couldnt help but laugh out loud all through as i read,wow, i loved every part of the paragraphs!!!..how viva and frank did not tell the world of rwanda you were coming down to us, is still a mystery. hope to catch you one day when in kenya..

  38. Am wondering how the hug went down.About hotbed of hotness,I will definitely live to verify the fact.Hope you came back with a brace!Who lets such sights slip off!

  39. I have spilled drinks and in the process scalded my fingers laughing out loud. Biko, you have the kind of humor that sneaks up on people, it’s one of those rare gifts. Si I’ve been tickled. When a chic looks like Diamond…..*tears*

  40. “When I met the boys at the bar, one of them Victor, a very burly chap with big shoulders grabbed me and pulled me towards him in this huge bear hug. I disappeared into him, literally, my face was buried in his beefy shoulders, his big hands around me. I immediately understood why chicks call it a bear hug. As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable. He whispered in my ear, “I love your work, man.” and I wondered what work he was referring to. Hehe. Victor, bottle that hug and sell it to Kenyan men, we’d buy it in buckets.” I literally lolled (yes it has a past tense), thank God I was home and not somewhere I had to laugh in a dignified manner. Muchos love from a Ug girl.

  41. It hasn’t sunk in yet that you came down here for my bday Biko.Forever indebted. Top notch, amazing..I have run out of superlatives to describe your oeuvre!The only thing that would compete with your posts is of course Victor’s Bear hug. Merci beaucoup

  42. He found a way of tinkering with the old dusty PC in the basement and one day he powered it (he attended Rocky Computer College) and took three months to log onto the nearby wi-fi but because of the emotional torture he has been through his memory fails him and so has forgotten all his passwords, so he logs on here and somehow he keeps sending an SOS on the comment section but my CMS (yes, I know some computer stuff) thinks it’s a marketing company trying to sell those penis enlargement pills so it keeps getting flagged SPAM and sent to trash.

  43. Biko today your thoughts were too scattered…feels like you were typing while waiting for the plane to finally come to a halt on the runway…meanwhile..where is Farouk???!!Its been about 3years since we heard from about him

  44. It’s so amazing how you weave a story and bring it to life……..
    I am hooked to your articles. They are addictive. Very addictive.

  45. Biko you always keep me entertained. The description is just amazing!! Thank you for making my day, been laughing silly. Truly gifted.

  46. Had cause to visit Kigali a little over a month ago. Law and order is a real thing there. I didn’t want to come back and when I did…… It seemed were decided to build our city on a garbage dump.

  47. Aaaaah refreshingly beautiful prose! Few wordsmiths like you Biko!! And I know am not the only one looking out for that email with the next instalment.. you know, like ingoko ya kurisimas?! (lunjes can relate…) Makes my day every time I read your posts!!

  48. Hilarious! You had me in stitches dude!
    Hi from Seoul. (I worked with you at The village market- forex). The days of my youth 🙂

  49. Great read as always Biko. I thought you were going to go on about the mountains and the gorillas and the culture. Thank you for that insight on the tall and beautiful women.
    PS: French is really sexy, only Luo is sexier lol

  50. Come on Biko; you are also using the phrase ‘hotbed of……..’ I am so getting sick (I am Kenyan like that) of that phrase I swear if I hear or read it again anywhere, I am going to scream out. Loudly! And kick my neighbour’s cat in the @ss. Hard!

  51. Biko I think you used up some of your gayness seconds while down there. the way you enjoyed that hug from Victor, hapana.

  52. Had Kagame’s daughter walked up to me in a bar in Rwanda, all words would have flown out my head leaving only seven measly words, which I would breathe out in a whimpering whisper, “Uhm…your daddy? I’m a big fan.” Hilarious!!

  53. Nice read, awesome diction. Restructured my immediate bucket list. Now a bachelor’s trip to Rwanda has to get hastily planned.

  54. You would be amazed Biko at how many men introduce their and other people’s ladies to your blog,like my then boyfriend now husband did to me several years ago… now we have a brand new daughter who’s initials spell Tans(close enough huh? ),so that’s what we call her..huge fans

    Great read

  55. “Oh and get ready to be hugged by Rwandese men. It wasn’t uncommon for a guy to have his hand on another guys shoulder. The camaraderie was palpable. When I met the boys at the bar, one of them Victor, a very burly chap with big shoulders grabbed me and pulled me towards him in this huge bear hug. I disappeared into him, literally, my face was buried in his beefy shoulders, his big hands around me. I immediately understood why chicks call it a bear hug. As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable. He whispered in my ear, “I love your work, man.” and I wondered what work he was referring to. Hehe. Victor, bottle that hug and sell it to Kenyan men, we’d buy it in buckets”…….am still laughing…well written..I enjoyed.Good stuff Biko.

  56. Hahaa can’t believe my friend told me that the day I’ll get a reader from PNG, then I’ll surely have made it. Ha-ha, so I was like,”So PNG should be my target?” He said,”No!! Try Vietnam or Guinea Bissau.”

    Biko you making our life hard, but once you were also 19, with dreams but you made your unique voice, that’s what makes Rwandese invite you for parties…you get me?

  57. hahahahahaha!!! This was delightful absolutely delightful to read…totally improved my mood. Thank you Biko!! Awesome Work!!!
    ‘I disappeared into him, literally, my face was buried in his beefy shoulders, his big hands around me. I immediately understood why chicks call it a bear hug. As I disappeared in his hug, I felt safe. I felt like no harm could ever come to me as long as Victor was there. I wanted to lie there for a little longer, as long as it would be acceptable. He whispered in my ear, “I love your work, man.” and I wondered what work he was referring to. Hehe. Victor, bottle that hug and sell it to Kenyan men, we’d buy it in buckets.’

  58. Biko si tafadhali email a bratha drown
    how to loose her – Junot Diaz
    the sun also rises -earnest hermingway
    The book thief – marcus
    the god of small things
    cant find them anywhere ….PS great read as always

  59. Biko the man,
    I have laughed all through. Thank you for the good article. Keep doing what you do best. and hey, please our dear Kenyan men, make sure you receive that bear hug from our rwandeese brothers. Adios

  60. Most importantly, how do you tell a woman who is taller than you, “Come here to daddy?” when she is taller than your daddy?….nice read

  61. When will ever write a boring article?I would wish to read it, something beside creativity!Your work is too awesome to be ignored!

  62. some one please email this books a bratha [email protected] drown
    how to loose her – Junot Diaz
    the sun also rises -earnest hermingway
    The book thief – marcus
    the god of small things
    cant find them anywhere ….PS great read as
    always

  63. Ati “……. beautiful women but not all
    of them are hot, because once in a while you see a
    woman who looks like Diamond. And that consoles you…..”

    Hehehe…..You are one humorous brother!

  64. So you felt safe in that guys hug?????? Okay, now thats some freaky shit!!!!! Ha ha ha. This one made laugh so hard. Having her change the bulb while you peel onions? That is hilarious Biko. Loved it.

  65. Hello,
    Hahahaa love this article why? because I am a rwandese girl who loves and loves Kenya like crazy!!!
    But, I have to say that I don’t agree on the drinking point. Most of rwandese men drink a looooooooooooooooot! Je vais m’y mettre aussi à lire tes
    articles!

  66. Hahahahah Now this bear hug is too much.i enjoyed the read.never experienced this bear hug popularity.It was a pleasure having you around hope to catch up later.The bear hugger Victor

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  67. So am reading this waaay tooo late.. scrolled through most bits which is unlike me..reading bikozulu..maybe am having an off day.or am hungry or pmsal..been bitchy today.I’ll re-read it next week bcoz as per the comments guys swear its funny n am not laughing.;-(

  68. Great article about Rwanda. I fell in love with this country a few years ago when i took part in a campus trip. I went back last year and came back with a wife. They are great people.

    When are you writing a book Biko?

  69. This is LOL funny 🙂 . Work has been crazy and this is when i finally come up for air, i need me one of those Victor bear hugs. I think it was cool of you to surprise Joel. I have friends in Rwanda and when they came over they didnt understand why our downtown was so dirty and why we had people sleeping on the streets. All i could say was – Welcome to Kenya.

  70. Bisous! You left on the perfect note! Your assessment of Rwanda, meanwhile, is as spot-on as they come – which is not very hard because they tend to make things orderly like this. My one question is simply: WHO IS THIS DIAMOND?

  71. I can never get enough of what you write. Even when i love to hate you i still read your blog & smile & get inspired. Thanks Biko

  72. once in a while you see a woman who looks like Diamond. And that consoles you. But also makes you wonder what happened, maybe they got off the boat too early … so funny!
    Now I hear Kenyan men have started streaming into Rwanda, thanks to you Biko..

  73. Loved you from the Saturday Nation columns to this,your blog.I’m a beginner in creative writing and you are totally my mentor Biko

  74. I’ve been to Kigali and I related with everything in the article. On the beer you forgot to mention Primus I don’t know what that sounded like to you. Any who nice piece like always Bravo Biko

  75. ” I thought maybe it’s an Ex, some girl who reads me while constantly rolling her eyes, bile streaming out of her ears and nose and finishing each article by mumbling, “boooring!” or on a good day, “prick!” God bless you too.”

    hahahaha..
    Btw some of these travel bloggers feeling a little adventurous had a situation in PNG..some cannibals ate their ear off..so there are parts of the country that still practice cannibalism.
    I won’t be headed there soon for sure.