Sign up with your email address to be the first to know about new products, VIP offers, blog features & more.

Language of Love

It had been over for months. The credits had been rolling for a while even without viewers. There were those last days when you suspected it was over and they suspected it was over but nobody wanted to look at the hard wrinkled face of the end. It was over when they started returning your calls three hours later, with little or frail apology. Your whatsapp remained blue like the cloudless Turkana skies. On your birthday they sent you a meme. And not even a funny one. It was over when you last met at the lobby of the bank and their laughter was dry and dishonest and they were ready to bolt, sitting there at the edge of their seat like they had mumps on their ass. You just knew the two of you were drowning in this phoney geniality when they asked you, “Did you change your spectacles?” You hadn’t changed your specs in four years.

Truth is, you didn’t know them anymore. They knew you even less. You could have shaved and gotten a tattoo of a vulture on your bald scalp and they wouldn’t have noticed because you were looking at each other in past tense. Everything had changed. Time had chipped away at the two of you turning you into an amateurish sculpture of unrequited love.

It was over when you went for weeks without really speaking, because they were busy and you were busy and you all let that relationship sink further in that murk of indifference. The last time you saw them you were at the bar and you had stepped outside to smoke. It had rained; one of those moonless nights so dark that even the breeze seems to be coloured black. Standing there under the awning, cigarette burning between your fingers, you lazily watched a girl in a dress that looked like a parachute that had deployed prematurely painfully clomp up the staircase in her impossible wooden wedges. As she got closer, you realised that the person she was hanging onto for support was them. You don’t recall the awkward conversation that ensued but you remember that their teeth looked whiter than usual. “Maybe you should stop smoking, we don’t want to lose you,” they said lightly. Well, they had a smoke of their own and they were blowing it up your ass.

And so when it was finally over it ended without any spark; like a dead battery. And it was both a relief and a surprise; at how you simply accepted it without investigating its consequence. It had run its course – a year and two months, but who was counting? The night you were deleting their old messages from your phone you went through the text messages they had sent and they were all “Will call you right back.” That made you chuckle. It was a clean break. There were no long speeches of “I wish you well, I hope you find happiness and we will always be friends.” None of that claptrap. You were not going to be friends. You were never really friends. You had fun moments, yes, but you wouldn’t say that you were besotted. Maybe they would block you on Whatsapp and Instagram, maybe they wouldn’t. You didn’t care. You never heard from them again. They went back to their lives. You went back to yours. One day you saw them in traffic, they were eating something from a serviette, it could have been bitterness. But it wasn’t carbs.

Then you never saw them again.

Your life continued. You chased business. You discovered an ingenious way to read the FT for free. You joined a new gym. You handed your office landlord notice because for how long were you going to complain about the office toilet? You bought a new suit. You bought your father a new suit. Against your better judgement you went for a stag party in Kitisuru where a large stripper gave you a lap dance and your lap hurt for days. Your mother lost two of her cows to a disease that sounded a hell lot like something that Nairobi motorists have. You took a roadtrip to Nanyuki with a girl with a silver ring on her navel and who had never seen Mt. Kenya and you would wake up to find her seated in the cold of the balcony, staring hard at the mountain. You lost a client. Then got another one. You re-read Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol. You rode in a Chrysler driven by a former special forces operative at midnight. You discovered a new word: disjune.

Months passed.

Then you met someone else. They were introduced to you as someone “you would click with. They like Zumba like you.” You don’t like Zumba, you like Rhumba. Well. Not another dancer, you thought to yourself, you were not about to allow anyone to dance on your lap again. You called them up on the phone and they sounded warm and charming. They sounded like those people who cut their apple into four equal pieces. You then met them – of all the places – in a meeting room because sometimes these things are a business transaction; you deal with the currency of hearts and expectations after all. To mean it wasn’t a real date. A meet and greet.

How that happened was that they were doing some banking at Yaya and you happened to have been getting a haircut up Ring Road. They were dressed the way bankers dress; like they are going for a business luncheon after. She commented on your aftershave. You explained that you had just had a haircut. She looked at your head and mumbled politely, “Oh, nice.” They seemed nice. But they all seem nice the first time, don’t they? They offered you coffee from the complimentary confectionery because they are with Priority banking and guys there get pampered because they are the geese that lay the golden eggs. You would very much have liked a cookie with your coffee but you didn’t want to look like a foodie.

They sipped their water and smiled a lot and you made small talk. The meeting room was small and functional, a place that doesn’t invite lingering. A place for busy geese. Their subtle perfume filled the room. They asked you about yourself and instead you told them what you do. You asked them if they love what they do. You asked them about their last name and what it meant. You wanted to ask for more sugar in your coffee but you didn’t want to come across as needy, so you suffered through that cup. Later when you played over the meeting as you drove back to your office you concluded that indeed it had gone well, even though you almost ruined it in the end when you asked them if they cut their apple into four equal parts.

At some point the two of you got into a relationship.

It’s always difficult to know when a relationship starts. One day you wake up and you just realise you are in one. Some start with a sloppy kiss in the parking outside a bar. Some start by the other party saying something as abstract like, “I hope you are not shagging someone else.” Some start when you are invited to accompany them to their daughter’s school play and they turn and enthuse, “Isn’t she talented!” and you have to lie that she is even though that little girl – cute as a button as she is – can’t sing for shit. Sometimes they just make you an egg and boom, you are dating. Sometimes you could be buying batteries for your electric toothbrush on your way to meet them and they say, “Do you mind awfully picking sanitary pads for me, I just realised I’m out.” For others it takes them getting in the bathroom and sitting there taking a leak as you are having a shower. The point is, if you aren’t careful you will always find yourself in a relationship. And nobody is to blame.

When you think about it, relationships are very like the relationships you have with your bank relationship manager. There are always expectations and some are met while others are not. Money and finances are also always things that can make or break. These relationships, not nurtured, breed disappointment and then people simply drift apart and break up and move on to other relationships. The only difference is that they are mature; nobody blocks or unfriends anybody or goes to the next relationship and talks badly about what a nightmare their previous relationship was.

I have a theory (based on my last experience with my relationship manager) that as long as you have defined what your languages of love are, there will always be less problems.

For the sake of the cool people seated there at the back, going through their Instagram feed, there are five languages of love. One of them is words of affirmation. This is the language for people who want to be told nice things. Oh, such big handsome hands, Christine! Oh, look at how you stir your coffee, such flair and great coordination. Oh, you are so intelligent, run me through the pythagoras theorem again. Etc etc.

Then there is the language of quality time. These are the people who invented date night. They want to spend an intense amount of blocked time with you without you replying an email or taking a call or blowing your nose. You can’t even go to the loo. You know how in Luke 14:5 they ask if it’s okay to pull out your ox that has fallen in a well on the sabbath? Well, the people whose language of love is quality time would not allow that. That ox would die in that well. How dare it fall during their quality time?

The third language of love is receiving gifts. These are people who equate gifts to love. Doesn’t matter that Jesus gave them a gift by dying on the cross for their sins. They still and will always want something wrapped. Or it will be a wrap.

The fourth language of love is acts of service. If this is your language then you are better off learning Luganda. Then getting a Baganda woman. They kneel before you. They serve you as King. Or they used to. There are girls who don’t want much from you; the very act of removing their nail polish is enough for them. They wouldn’t ask for more.

The last language of love is physical touch. Did you know that there are men who love to have their backs rubbed? You want to get him to take you on a holiday? Rub his back. He’s mad at something you did? Rub his back. You want to get him in the mood; rub his back. He’s like a genie in a bottle. He probably purrs while you rub his back.

The language of love that works for two people in this bank relationship manager – client relationship are “acts of service” and “gifting.” But in hard Kenyan cash. You make them money and they serve you. The world of relationship managers would be a much better place with this understood.

My relationship with my ex-relationship manager with Stanchart’s Priority Banking wasn’t working, so we broke up. It wasn’t a nasty breakup. No bad SMSes were traded. Nobody made any disparaging remarks about anybody’s loving skills. We just became strangers and we went our separate ways. Sometimes I think about him. I hope he’s doing well wherever he is. I hope he’s happy. I hope he finally found his banking chakra. I hope he found someone who understands his language of love. I take part of the responsibility for that relationship’s failure; I never read his language of love properly. I think his language of love was quality time and physical touch and given that we weren’t meeting and I certainly as hell wasn’t rubbing his back we drifted apart.

Then Stanchart gave me a new relationship manager called Jasmit Kaur. She’s a star. I don’t even know what I was doing with the other guy. I don’t remember who I was when I was with the other guy. Well, it’s early days with Jasmit but we are happy. Her language of love is gifting in hard cash…rather cash to the bank. Mine is words of affirmation and acts of service. So our conversations go something like this:

Hi Jackson, are you keeping well? I read your article in Msafiri, it was so funny.

Oh thank you! Some people didn’t get it! Bless your funny bones. Did you also read the one I did last month about the next African footballers to watch out for?

Oh, yes. That was also very nice. I enjoyed reading it. I enjoy reading everything you write.

Oh, stop now…Okay, don’t. But are you well, Jasmit?

I am well. By the way, how is the gym coming?

Oh it’s great. It’s just great.

Can you now bench-press 35kgs?

I can do 39kgs now.

You big strong boy, you. Congratulations!

On and on it goes. Words of affirmation!

For acts of service she just calls me to find out if I’m happy with the bank’s services and that I shouldn’t hesitate if I need anything. She also emails me the bank’s local investment services, market updates and things that I hardly ever read because of all the financial jargon. If I need to change currency she is always a phone-call away. For Christmas she sent me an e-card. Whenever she calls she asks me, “How are the children?” Isn’t it nice when people ask you about your children? It makes you feel so grown up and responsible. And on my part, I fulfill her language of love by just working hard and being a good client.

And it works perfectly.

I hope we don’t break up. The worst that can happen is if some bank takes her away and then I will have to be handed another relationship manager whose language of love could be words of affirmation. Then we will have a problem because come on, what will I tell them? “Hey Linda. How’s things? By the way, you mentioned that you have a greenhouse on the side, I see you as the kind of person who is loved by plants. Did you know there are people like that? People who just touch tomatoes and those tomatoes grow into big, healthy, happy tomatoes that bring joy to the world? Just a touch, Linda, like those guys who carry a crying child and they hush immediately only this is the Midas touch of agriculture. Pumpkins love you. Coriander die for you. Let’s not even talk about oranges, they go bananas! Cucumbers…my God, cucumbers hear you are coming and they blush. You seem like that person, the pied piper of vegetables. So Linda, any news on that loan?”

That relationship won’t last. I can tell you.

148 Responses
  • L.K
    17.04.2018



    0
    • Lucy
      17.04.2018

      Biko, i can’t stop laughing. That last paragraph was too funny.
      I love the book ‘The 5 love languages’ too.




      7
      • victor oduor-were
        18.04.2018

        There is a book?




        1
    • Leenduh
      20.04.2018

      Biko, I have actually taken notes




      0
  • Wangu
    17.04.2018

    1st




    0
  • Bumble Bee
    17.04.2018

    Wait, there’s a way I can read FT for free!? Someone pour me the tea!

    I would definitely ask if they cut their apples in four slices, or do they like pineapples on pizza!

    Relationships require time and work. Like friendships.




    29
    • James
      17.04.2018

      Me… my concern is NYT and WaPo have exhausted all possible ways




      2
    • Low lying fruit
      17.04.2018

      Friendships actually require more effort than relationships.Cos our expectations from our friends are always higher




      6
    • Wekesir
      17.04.2018

      Even the lowly times wont allow me to read their articles anymore….Btw fam, you should check out Poe Ballantines essay, 501 minutes to Christ. Whaaat a read….plus if you go broke ……get the articles on TETW.




      5
  • Bugadolski
    17.04.2018

    Really funny man I relate a lot with how relationships start




    1
  • Mark
    17.04.2018

    Reading while I disjune.

    It’s been a while. Nice read, Biko. You’re so talented.

    https://thispostisabout.wordpress.com




    5
  • Rahab
    17.04.2018

    Interesting piece. I have to admit I got lost for a tad there…




    7
    • Sir Ed
      17.04.2018

      You and me both….




      4
    • Catherine Nyambura
      18.04.2018

      Me too. At the beginning I couldn’t figure out if the subject was a man or woman. But loved it still.




      4
    • Kidamakana
      18.04.2018

      Same here! I got to the end of the article and I am not sure what the gist of the story was!




      0
      • Ice
        24.04.2018

        Me five! Got it in the end.




        0
  • Nyambura Kagwe
    17.04.2018

    Hahaha…you get me everytime Biko.And yes I cut my apple into four equal pieces.

    ”That ox would die in that well.”‘ Ha ha ha

    And who knew that disjune means breakfast.




    11
    • Mushie
      17.04.2018

      Disjune means breakfast??? Bless my dumb soul..haha




      4
    • Rosie
      17.04.2018

      Bokono is that you?




      0
      • Nyambura Kagwe
        18.04.2018

        haha yes




        0
    • Lumbzy
      18.04.2018

      Thanks for sparing me the Google search.




      1
  • GM
    17.04.2018

    I think I am a back rub guy…




    9
    • Betty
      17.04.2018

      Ahem! *cough and wink*




      2
    • Cathy
      17.04.2018

      Hey GM…

      Can I practice on your back?




      14
    • SHIKU
      20.04.2018

      hey GM




      0
  • Kelvn
    17.04.2018

    All I have for this piece are emoticons.




    0
  • Linna
    17.04.2018

    Hahahahahaaaaaa…. Oranges gone bananas
    Bravo!! You’re way of writing gives me chills and your wisdom leaves me in awe.
    Hehe You like affirmation, don’t you?
    Day made




    12
  • Kelvn
    17.04.2018

    All I have for this piece are emoticons




    0
  • RightAngledCircle
    17.04.2018

    The clean break-up is a myth. In each break-up there must be a looser and a winner. You can’t just be both happy with the break-up, sadly life isn’t a Seinfeld episode .

    Hey gang, check-out this piece https://rightangledcircle.wordpress.com/2018/04/16/pulp-fiction/




    8
    • Anonymous
      17.04.2018

      Life isn’t a Seinfeld episode




      0
    • Passerby
      18.04.2018

      Clean breaks happen when you both werent in love bt in a rship of convinience




      3
    • Maureen
      18.04.2018

      I agree with you, there is nothing like a clean break up.




      1
    • Tote
      18.04.2018

      I beg to differ…a clean break up is different from a mutually agreed break up. When you separate your feelings towards a situation from the reality of it and respect the other party’s decision (whether you disagree or not), then you have a clean break up.
      This life…adulting issa must.




      2
  • Stained Soul
    17.04.2018

    Relationships, oh! They can be complicated and then throw in our unvoiced expectations, mexican soap operas and Mills and Boon novel characters as our marking schemes and there, right there is recipe for disaster.
    Our reasons for starting a relationship are also fundamental for the relationship remaining and keeping strong or lasting.
    Companies (successful ones) have annual reviews and I think serious relationships should have constant reviews so that they can be re – oriented when they start falling or failing.




    23
  • Pooch
    17.04.2018

    Languages of love. This gives me a new perspective. I always thought they were languages we speak, but now I understand we must speak them to those who will understand them, and just because they understand them does not mean it is the language they speak. does that make sense? I’ll be at the back with the cool kids. All the best with miss Kaur.




    10
  • Muigai
    17.04.2018

    Nice




    0
  • Mumbi Muchiri
    17.04.2018

    Ha ha ha.. I dig this!




    0
  • MissAkinyi
    17.04.2018

    Jasmit Natt Kaur. Shes a new Relationship manager but yet one of the best. Such an amazing human being




    4
    • John
      19.04.2018

      I agree. Worked with her for some months and couldn’t get enough of her warmth. I think i fell in love. Such a great soul. If any bank is looking for a bad-ass relationship manager, here’s one. Fantastic in business development too.

      We miss you, Jasmit.




      0
  • Fresh
    17.04.2018

    I saw me in the article! Blue like Turkana skies.




    1
    • Tote
      18.04.2018

      Hahaa! Sorry?




      1
  • Imani
    17.04.2018

    Against your better judgement you went for a stag party in Kitisuru where a large stripper gave you a lap dance and your lap hurt for days….
    I laughed at that..




    1
  • Kabugzz
    17.04.2018

    Come now! what’s wrong with date night, if he has an electric tooth brush he better be open to date night, every week!

    So back rubbing is a thing?…on it!




    5
  • David Mwenda
    17.04.2018

    I found a way to read NYTimes for free but not the whole month but FT pia mkiniambia I won’t mind
    I like ur bank relationship manager that relationship is going places by the way
    Relationships can start anywhere ask a millennial like me some even start with haujalala bado wewe on App
    Bottom line relationships can start anywhere
    And Biko apples are always cut into 4 pieces 4 unless your alone then u can do anything with them




    10
    • Anon
      17.04.2018

      How?? Tell us




      0
    • Die-hard fan
      17.04.2018

      How ???




      0
  • adonga
    17.04.2018

    Good way to look at love
    Five ways.
    And yes Many Baganda ladies still serve their Men like Kings




    1
  • Isz
    17.04.2018

    .. affirmations in whatever currency….great read.




    1
  • Philsoft
    17.04.2018

    Good read




    0
  • Philsoft
    17.04.2018

    It is a nice read




    1
  • Anne
    17.04.2018

    First ever time commenting here.
    I read every Tuesday.
    What is FT & why is reading it for free bring such awe?




    0
    • John
      17.04.2018

      Financial Times




      0
    • Cnjeri
      17.04.2018

      Financial Times I presume




      0
    • Luvinzu
      17.04.2018

      Financial Times




      1
  • Eric the fixer
    17.04.2018

    Haha great read.




    0
  • Irene
    17.04.2018

    Day made, there is hope




    1
  • mauryn
    17.04.2018

    It’s always difficult to know when a relationship starts. One day you wake up and you just realize you are in one.

    That is sooo true. I remember I started a relationship with this guy because I said… “I hate the rains because no umbrella covers my A**.”




    16
    • Ohingo
      17.04.2018

      Mauryn, hmmmh, I would start a relationship with a woman who is so corcky and confident she is that “endowed”, the African raw male in me grrrr!!




      2
  • The Granny's Corner
    17.04.2018

    It is not you. It is me… And that was the last thing you remember hearing. You woke up two years later to somebody rubbing your back. Just like she did. And you now have a feeling for foredoom closing on you. You feel like it is happening again.
    So you hastily call your contractor. And have those walls built quickly. You are now safe in there. In the fortress. Until you get out




    4
  • Mark
    17.04.2018

    Reading while I disjune.

    It’s been a while. Nice read, Biko. You’re so talented *bats eyelashes*

    https://thispostisabout.wordpress.com




    1
  • fridah
    17.04.2018

    And now i cant sit properly cos… ass mumps.Thanks Biko for creating my imaginary disease




    2
  • Riri
    17.04.2018

    Relationships can be too much work! The relationship manager needs someone chatty and excited with life; most introverts, keen readers and writers will perform badly at it. Talking and keeping up with ‘nothing’ is too much work. Like heck, what story should I be calling a client for if not work?!




    4
    • You could write long flowery e-mails..hahaha
      I get you. I can’t do chatty phone calls for nobody.
      Then there are friends who just call to say, I wanted to greet you. Those make me boil. They should have just whatsapped.




      3
      • Jefferson
        17.04.2018

        Texts does great to introverted souls.




        1
      • Catherine Nyambura
        18.04.2018

        I so feel you. Such calls end up awkward.




        1
  • Biegon
    17.04.2018

    Relationships start in a funny weird way. You wake up in one yet you slept thinking you can’t possibly have her. Great read kama kawaida.

    People have ways with plants by the way. You touch one and pap it blossoms




    0
  • Phoebe
    17.04.2018

    Let’s not even talk about oranges, they go bananas!
    Hahaha! you are funny Biko.
    Jasmit sounds great but Linda might surprise you with some of her harvest on Christmas instead of an e-card, am sure your language of love is receiving gifts.
    She might gift you some warus (we all now how you love them), you will drop Jasmit like a hot potato!




    1
  • Claire
    17.04.2018

    The language of love ….
    Never saw that coming, u gt me square
    About the quadral apples I think that’s me
    Hahaha n the sugarless coffee he’d take it that way and his ox would have to die in that ditch…




    0
  • Maggy
    17.04.2018

    I really like my RM too Adija at Yaya. Because of her I have made many good investment decisions. Some times over a cup of coffee..sometimes she will come over to my nail bar . My favorite part of priority banking was getting signed up for the lounge key pass at aiport lounges all over the world.




    5
  • Mushie
    17.04.2018

    For others it takes them getting in the bathroom and sitting there taking a leak as you are having a shower. The point is, if you aren’t careful you will always find yourself in a relationship. And nobody is to blame…Situationships galore

    He’s like a genie in a bottle. He probably purrs while you rub his back..haha a Genie I say!!




    1
  • Kim
    17.04.2018

    This was a really interesting piece…up until it turned into an ad. Almost the same way some guys would prop you up just before asking for a soft loan. Nice read though.




    13
    • Kinaga
      18.04.2018

      We all have bills we must pay, including you. Personally, I’d prefer this way of advertising than the conventional way of advertising all around us (read Viusasa).




      6
    • Njeri
      22.04.2018

      Biko makes his bread by writing. and sometimes that write up is sponsored by a company. Making everyone laugh is great but there are bills to pay – like all of us.




      0
  • Cascade
    17.04.2018

    New relationships are real hard work. Just when you think you know their language of love, they no longer are interested and you are off to the next. ION Side rubs and side hugs followed by forehead kisses are everything.




    2
  • abdullah omar
    17.04.2018

    heads may roll in some places for leaving their relationship departments so ambiguous and equivocal!




    0
  • Valerie
    17.04.2018

    For the first time in many reads.. not giving this a thumbs up. Sorry Biko lol!




    2
    • Tony
      17.04.2018

      Who hurt you girl..




      2
  • Christy
    17.04.2018

    Oh, you are so intelligent, run me through the pythagoras theorem again! Ha-ha

    Good read, Biko!




    3
  • Andrew
    17.04.2018

    How we find ourselves in new relationships, did I laugh hard. Guys who buy pads for their women are the same that queue in the supermarket with a packet of condoms! I respect them. andrewismme.wordpress.com




    1
  • shazy
    17.04.2018

    She for zumba and he for rhumba……..tricky…and what’s with a person that cuts an apple into four equal parts?




    0
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    17.04.2018

    “Entre deux coeurs qui s’aiment, nul besoin de paroles” – Marceline Desbordes-Valmore. Love is unspoken.




    5
  • Ohingo
    17.04.2018

    Good stuff Biko, as ALWAYS…….




    0
  • Maiki
    17.04.2018

    This business of Baganda women kneeling down in service once freaked me out. A friend of mine and I went to visit his uncle. After being welcome in to the house, my friend asked for a glass of water. The uncle summoned the house help who came back with the water, fell onto her knees and bowed almost over before my buddy and stretched out her her to pass on the glass.
    I freaked out. I was thirsty too but I didn’t feel like I could subject a fellow human being to such humility. I satyed thirsty for the duration of that visit.
    That bowing thing is ugly. I vowed if ever I was to get a help from those sides of the continent, my first rule to her would be not to ever bow before me, or anybody else.




    10
    • Tracy
      20.04.2018

      Hehehehe. We visited a new mother – a colleague – and she has this Baganda househelp. She knelt to greet me and the others and at first I was like maybe she is collecting something from under the chair, shock on me! And I was like, aki Sophie si you tell her to stop doing that and apparently she can’t stop. I even told her to not kneel for the time we were there but she just couldn’t. It’s like its in their DNA. The lady I was seated with, I had to collect her jaw every time she saw her kneeling.




      0
  • abdullah omar
    17.04.2018

    “I hope you are not shagging someone else.”such impertinence!never looked back!




    1
  • In any relationship, people shouldn’t take others for granted and people should take responsibility for making sure they aren’t being taken for granted. Most especially people shouldn’t settle for mediocre anything. If that’s what is being served, throw a hissy fit and demand better. Life is too short to go about anything in a half-assed manner. Love is not grey, love is fire and it is ice at the same time.
    And in areas such as banking or trading or in any sector where money changes hands, customer service personnel should realize they are on thin ice, where if they don’t mollycoddle the customers, and consistently drum into them that they are special, and that the whole universe revolves around them and the stars are twinkling over them; they might have as well barbecued the goose laying the golden eggs.




    3
  • _Unknown
    17.04.2018

    The 6th language of love is money, hard cash. It relates with love and affection in direct proportions. When the money and all the various happy, fun and exciting activities are in plenty, you will feel more pampered than a village MCA somewhere in this autonomous country. When the money disappears, that’s when you realize the chances of affection coming your way are much more slimmer than the chances of Waititu’s command of the Queen’s language improving are.




    5
    • Esther Patrobers
      18.04.2018

      This got me laughing hard…




      0
  • Rose
    17.04.2018

    great piece…u never disappoint Biko




    0
  • Kalekye
    17.04.2018

    Yes! That ox will die in that well lol
    Everything has it’s time.




    0
  • Ed
    17.04.2018

    Yes, you can read FT , NYT and the economist for free. Disjune?? Good piece though as always




    0
    • Miss L
      18.04.2018

      How? And not the lousy three articles they give you? Share your bounty of wisdom




      0
    • Lawrence
      18.04.2018

      How Bana!!




      0
  • Sash
    17.04.2018

    “Oh, such big handsome hands, Christine! Oh, look at how you stir your coffee, such flair and great coordination. Oh, you are so intelligent, run me through the pythagoras theorem again. Etc etc.” Ha ha ha this is the funniest piece ever, i just couldn’t get past this lines…
    Good work Biko




    0
  • Tina
    17.04.2018

    Life is all about finding someone who makes your life happy and fulfilling.
    On bank issues, let me stick to “member” for now. I will cross the bank relationship manager bridge when I get there.




    1
  • Jen
    17.04.2018

    Lakini these people who comment, 1st when they are clearly 10th are clearly Words of Affirmation kinds of people…




    3
  • Sir Elvis Mayaka
    17.04.2018

    Someone told me that a relationship is a full time job…. i dont need another job ..*chuckles*… just kidding ………….




    2
  • Wekesir
    17.04.2018

    But nothing is lasting in this world. Even joy begins to fade after only one minute. Two minutes later, and it is weaker still, until finally it is swallowed up in our everyday, prosaic state of mind, just as a ripple made by a pebble gradually merges with the smooth surface of the water.”




    1
  • Mims
    17.04.2018

    Acts of service tops in my list.Its a lee way to heart..the rest can be compromised.
    Nice piece Biko and keep up the good work




    0
  • Sam
    17.04.2018

    “Well, they had a smoke of their own and they were blowing it up your ass.” That line killed me, for real for real hahaha!




    0
  • FemaleFirestone
    17.04.2018

    Can I just say how amazing to find other writers’ blogs among the comments.
    I just ‘googled’ how to read FT for free haha.




    0
  • Charles
    17.04.2018

    our life continued. You chased business. You discovered an ingenious way to read the FT for free. You joined a new gym. You handed your office landlord notice because for how long were you going to complain about the office toilet? [change creeps smoothly without notice]




    0
  • Milan
    17.04.2018

    Wonderful




    0
  • Chalo
    17.04.2018

    “……cucumbers hear you are coming and they blush…..” geeze am a perv!!!




    0
  • Emily
    17.04.2018

    That last paragraph was a crescendo! Whoa!




    0
  • Raphael
    17.04.2018

    epic




    0
  • Ken
    17.04.2018

    Biko you are good.




    1
  • Zeinab Ghadhanfar
    17.04.2018

    Incredibly humorous style of writing! Do you tutor people on creative writing? If you do, kindly take me!




    0
  • Dottie
    17.04.2018

    Biko I have noticed you love cookies,great piece as usual without disappointment
    The five languages of love has really cracked me up




    0
  • Lynn
    17.04.2018

    The last paragraph!




    0
  • Eunice
    17.04.2018

    Relationship is work.
    Good read.




    0
  • Dee
    17.04.2018

    Finally had time to read this….now my Tuesday can end in piece. Night made




    0
  • Lizzie Williams
    17.04.2018

    Pumpkins love you. Coriander die for you. Let’s not even talk about oranges, they go bananas! Cucumbers…my God, cucumbers hear you are coming and they blush. You seem like that person, the pied piper of vegetables. So Linda, any news on that loan?”

    Haha




    0
  • Degstar
    17.04.2018

    Great piece Ssebo.

    Also, the tribe is Baganda, the language is Luganda and the individual is a Muganda.

    Cheers.




    0
  • Njambi
    17.04.2018

    Bikozulu,,,, this one was an incredible one
    . and i think bottomline, love is what makes life worth living. I think it should always be that way… Great piece!!




    1
  • hyxoul
    17.04.2018

    i do not want to blame it on my understanding but this “You would very much have liked a cookie with your coffee but you didn’t want to look like a foodie.” line…..




    0
  • victor oduor-were
    18.04.2018

    hey biko your style of writing is really awesome ‘humor laced with sarcasm’ but got to ask this: can you carry a conversation in the same manner without working some nerves baldy lol




    0
  • Passerby
    18.04.2018

    Moral of the story
    1.Biko likes back rubs,no way another man confessed that to you
    2.Biko likes rship managers that kiss his ass(not literally)
    3.The writting today is sort of all over the place.how the first lart of the story marries to the second is a tad sloppy.bt still makes an interesting read.




    0
  • Mimi
    18.04.2018

    Oh, such big handsome hands, Christine! Oh, look at how you stir your coffee, such flair and great coordination. Oh, you are so intelligent, run me through the pythagoras theorem again. Etc
    THIS DID CRACK ME UP




    0
  • Kinaga
    18.04.2018

    “…For others it takes them getting in the bathroom and sitting there taking a leak as you are having a shower….”

    Isorait.




    0
  • keenjoz
    18.04.2018

    ‘cucumbers hear you’re coming and they blush’……. hahahahahahahah i tried but my mind was in the gutter




    0
  • Esther
    18.04.2018

    Lol you definitely described my husband with the back rub :D.




    0
  • Gracey Wangari
    18.04.2018

    haha great twist! Interesting read!




    0
  • Edith
    18.04.2018

    Oh, you are so intelligent, run me through the pythagoras theorem again… hahahaha!




    0
  • Anastasia
    18.04.2018

    Even with the language of love there are so many of us out here who don’t know where we fall
    So I suggest the sixth maybe call it confused or better still discovery journey




    0
  • M.N.G
    19.04.2018

    ‘You would very much have liked a cookie with your coffee but you didn’t want to look like a foodie’ Saw what you did there.Good piece Biko.




    0
  • Lenah
    19.04.2018

    Nice read. I cant just do anything else when I know there’s an articled from Biko I gotta read.




    1
  • Mutindis
    19.04.2018

    Fantastic read!




    0
  • Miriam Mwangi
    19.04.2018

    This is so Funny 🙂
    “You can’t even go to the loo. You know how in Luke 14:5 they ask if it’s okay to pull out your ox that has fallen in a well on the sabbath? Well, the people whose language of love is quality time would not allow that. That ox would die in that well. How dare it fall during their quality time?”




    0
  • Kababy
    19.04.2018

    Jasmit: You big strong boy, you!
    Biko: Aki gosh! Stop it!




    1
  • T.Otieno
    19.04.2018

    Am not a prefect Biko but this one seemed fishy…You kinda did something wrong…but this languages are hilarious…actually this style of writing today speaks to the inner core.Good read

    http://oaknation.co.ke




    1
  • Miriam
    19.04.2018

    You would very much have liked a cookie with your coffee but you didn’t want to look like a foodie.

    I love the rhythm.




    0
  • Cathy
    20.04.2018

    ”Your mother lost two of her cows to a disease that sounded a hell lot like something that Nairobi motorists have.”
    This cracked me up. Is it mad cow disease?




    1
  • Ru
    20.04.2018

    Hahahhaha I thank God for Biko…see am headed for an exam and…. I’d postponed reading this until I couldn’t anymore. Had to screenshot that part of how we find ourselves in relationship




    0
  • Tracy
    20.04.2018

    If you are not careful, you will ind yourself in a relationship. Lol. I was watching ‘I’m Sorry’ Series last night and one of the episodes was actually talking about the languages of love. My greedy ass wants all those languages of love spoken to me, in moderation though. The other party should be one who hears the acts of service language, I speak that perfectly.




    1
  • Judy
    20.04.2018

    Funny you don’t talk about anybody’s shoes….anyhuuu, you get into a relationship then as time goes by it just stop working. Then after break up, you get into another and if it goes well you start to wonder what the hell possessed you when you were in the previous one. Then is when you realize it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. You get to see all that was wrong with it. You enjoy the new one and hope it doesn’t go to shit… I was allilobit surprised though, disjune means breakfast? For real? C’mon now! Now I have to google it…damn




    0
  • "CK" Kyengo
    21.04.2018

    I loved the article kabisa…and a fantastic way of ad-ing; Benjamins have to be made!




    0
  • Mwenginator
    22.04.2018

    Glad she showed up, been thinking about her. BTW some medicine of depression is a bicycle..she should try it




    0
  • Cyn
    23.04.2018

    I am a QT person. I die. 🙂 🙂 You know how in Luke 14:5 they ask if it’s okay to pull out your ox that has fallen in a well on the sabbath? Well, the people whose language of love is quality time would not allow that. That ox would die in that well. How dare it fall during their quality time?




    0
  • Eva Cushny
    24.04.2018

    Nikolai Gogol ….. just finished reading the namesake…




    0
  • Sylvie
    25.04.2018

    Interesting .. was sharing with a pal on the same on Monday




    0
  • Rehema Zuberi
    25.04.2018

    I have managed to read this blog successfully twice or so on the exact days, Tuesdays. It is always at the back of my mind but most times I am lazy and I find excuses (read actual work) to postpone. So yes, you can go ahead and call me a procrastinator but at least I set time aside to come back and have my share. Sort of my last laugh.

    Many are the times I am tempted to scroll all the way to the 100+ comments first and this got me thinking that it is why I am always reading later, to munch all the comments most of which are copy pastes.

    First paragraph : Four years, typos always get to me. Linda has lost a shoe again?




    0

What do you think?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *