Let Them Have Birthday Cake

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I have never had a birthday cake baked or bought in my honor. Never seen my name on a cake. I don’t know how it feels to blow a birthday candle. See, we didn’t grow up celebrating birthdays as tots. I can’t remember that incessant birthday song being sung in our house. Ever. I certainly don’t recall any cake cutting. Or a balloon being hoisted. Mom – good old mom – would remember it was our day and wish us a happy birthday. Maybe a special meal would be whipped – sausages and bacon for breakfast, chapo and chicken for lunch – but that was it. There weren’t any gifts being handed to you wrapped in shiny paper, complete with a bow. Nobody hugged you and told you that you were special and “sweet” and that despite your forehead you still had a chance to take over the world. None of that stuff.

I know what you’re thinking, “kwani this bikozulu guy grew up in the middle of the desert or something? Someone give that guy a hug before he breaks into tears!!”

I refuse to cry over a bloody birthday cake.

I will have you know that despite the lack of birthday hoopla; there was so much love in our digs. There was laughter. We sat around the table every Christmas and broke bread. Mom prayed every day before we went to bed. There was discipline and respect and love. And we had that framed Desiderata prayer hanging on the wall, like everyone else. We grew up well adjusted. Fairly. Ok, the rest are well adjusted.

Then of course you get into early adulthood and you start dating and you meet strange girls who treat birthdays like it’s the Second Coming. They wait for it anxiously and even drop hints on what they want as a gift months before and as the date nears they say “I’m really not big on birthdays” but it’s lip service – a pit with snakes at the bottom. And the D-day comes and when you get them what they have been hinting at feverishly for months, they act surprised and say, “aww, you shouldn’t have” but we all know you really SHOULD have for the sake of world peace and your sex life. Then the birthday ends and you think, phew life can now go back to normal? Oh No…of course it doesn’t, because soon after the actual birth DAY, they start calling it “birthday month” and you realise your life will turn into one long birthday celebration. Then your birthday comes around and they smother you, and honestly if you had a childhood like mine, that shit embarrasses you. I can’t ever imagine blowing a candle to celebrate my birthday with people singing drunkenly around me.

Then of course you get kids and you realise that you will forever be trapped in birthday prison. Take Tamms for example, the quintessential birthday lover. Crazy about balloons and cakes and the requisite off-key singing.  She wants balloons and she wants a white forest cake and she wants candles and she wants a new dress and new shoes, and a tiara because of those princess programs she watches on TV and you have to throw her a party and invite loads of kids, some who will pee on your carpet and while you’re distracted by the pee, they sneak into your bedroom and come out wearing your old underwear on their head as everybody is gathered to sing. They always know how to pick the old underwear. Can you imagine that scenario? Guys gathered around the cake and suddenly this two year old walks out of the bedroom wearing your oldest, ugliest and luckiest underwear on his head and the guests snicker and laugh and pretend it’s no big deal but you know they will discuss your tattered choice of underwear as they drive back home:

The wife: Did you see how old that underwear was lakini, waah!

Your boy: It wasn’t that old.

The wife: It was, Patrick, come on. The elastic band was coming out and it had three holes in it –

Your boy: You had time to count the holes?

The wife: Anybody with a full head of white hair who was blind as a bat could have counted them. You see why I always tell you to dispose of your old underwear? His wifey must have been sooo embarrassed. Gosh! I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

My boy: It’s no big deal really, I’m sure everybody has forgotten about it.

The wife: They haven’t I can assure you. And why are you defending him anyway, that’s the thing with you guys, you are always covering for each other even if you shouldn’t…

My boy: I’m not covering for him. Come on, it’s…..

The wife: Yes, you are. It’s always hard to know the truth with you guys, in fact sometimes I wonder if your pals, kina Felix, tell me the truth when I ask them about –

Let’s stop here and analyse how a woman can change the tide of a conversation and make it about HER? How does my bad underwear choice become an assessment of my friend’s character? I swear it’s a talent women have, to twist a conversation so effortlessly. What my boy should have said at the beginning of that conversation when she asked if he saw the state of my underwear was: Biko really needs to invest in new underwear surely, what rubbish is that? Then she will feel that you are on HER side and that story will die.

Which brings me to the things I have learnt as I marked my 38th year on earth yesterday, 12 October.

I have learnt that I’m very old. To some people. In fact, I’m very old to young-uns who are in their mid 20’s.

There is a girl in our office (the only girl in an office of about nine) a campus girl called Lucy who has been hired by Fred to handle his social media things. She’s a mouthy, brash, witty, and quite hysterical.  She’s about 20-years old and offers a window to the weird world of what youth is nowadays. She speaks funny, says weird things, follows “famous” people on twitter I’ve never heard of, watches even weirder videos and listens to music I don’t fathom and laughs at things I find odd. The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas.

Every time I do or say something she always admonishes me by saying, “Biko, that’s such an old thing to do/say.” Every time I do a small jig she says, “people don’t dance like that anymore, Biko” The first time she reported to the office she said, “I don’t know why I used to picture you as old and only wearing sweaters,” then I asked hopefully, “But?” and she said, “But I’m surprised to learn that you are only old.” One day I will put laxative in her tea, I swear.

I used to think I was super cool. That I knew what’s up, but she – at 20 years- looks at me like a scientist looks at something she wants to carbon date – with intrigue and curiosity and slight awe that I have survived in the world this long. I bet she wonders if I can still pee while standing. The language I use is wrong. The things I watch are odd. I speak funny. I follow the wrong people on twitter. I keep dried fruit in my desk drawer, and she’s always making fun of those dried fruits, asks if they are for my arthritis or hip problems. I can’t wait for the day Fred will fire her ass.

But seriously, regardless of my dried fruits, the best years of my life are still on their way.  So here are my 14 gems as I enter my 38th year:

  1. Don’t worry so much about who you are. If you are a banana you know you are a banana, be happy to be a banana. You shouldn’t pretend you are an apple and so don’t go to places frequented by apples or oranges. Go where your fellow bananas go. You are yellow and long and you shouldn’t look at an orange and say, “I wish I had the balls to be round.”
  2. I have learnt that you will never find a dignified way to eat a burger. That you will always have to open your mouth ridiculously wide and contend with things spilling out from between the bread and landing on your white shirt. I have learnt that there is no point ordering one if you will use a knife and fork to eat it. That’s like buying shades to wear in the dark.
  3. Half the women who go to the places where bananas go, wear corsets. That the illusion of shape is so amorphous and deceptive it only exists in the minds of hopefuls. I will try holding onto my hope for at least 2 more years.
  4. That, when you are feeling overwhelmed by life and you seek quiet, sometimes you will find peace not in a silent place, but in a noisy place. Like driving to Diamond Plaza at 9pm and sitting in your car with your window open, radio off, taking in the sounds and smells of little-India creeping into your car.
  5. That you really don’t have friends in this city. You have acquaintances. People you drink with. People you eat with. People you work with. People who sell you stuff. People you sell stuff to. That you have less than six true pals. The chaps who will get out of bed at 2am to come to your rescue without a thought or a single question apart from “Where are you?” or “How much do you need?” Those who only need to stand silently next to you when you are embattled with loss. Which means the people who find peace are the people with low expectations of people.
  6. That you can never win the battle against the weaves. It’s a war that is full of guerillas and insurgents who are armed to the tits with superior weaponry and ride fast on the backs of strong horses. It’s a losing battle that is just not worth it.
  7. That there are very few more special & pleasurable moments of fatherhood than dropping your child in school and watching as her classmate, who was waiting for her, reaches out, holds her hand and they walk together, hand in hand, and at some point they turn back and look at you and giggle and you really hope she just told her pal, “that’s my dad, and he’s a nice guy.” And not, “No, that’s my uncle.”
  8. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter if your soak your beans or use soda on them before you cook them,  your fart will still be gaseous and lethal.
  9. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter how far or how extravagant you go for a woman. They will always forget what you did. That the guy who pulls a chair or notices a new hairstyle and comments on it goes further faster.
  10. That death masquerades as life. That unbeknownst to us, we enjoy it, we celebrate it right up until it shows its face then we unfairly call it death.
  11. That the best time to think of about life is when you are waiting for a connecting flight in a foreign land and you have no WiFi and for two hours you sit on a cold silver bench and take stock of your life as strange people pulling stranger luggage walk all around you.
  12. I have learnt that the only thing uglier than jealousy is a peeking crack – from either men or women. Especially if it’s hairy or ashen and it’s staring at you as you nibble on peanuts.
  13. That if your urine stream isn’t strong enough, you should see a doctor.
  14. Lastly, I have learnt to be suspicious of any man who isn’t crazy about chapos.

I would have loved to write more, but I’m in Bangkok as I write this and after an 8hr flight my brain is dead. Tomorrow I will go to the one place I thought I would spend my 38th birthday – bobbing around the floating market in a dugout boat, munching on some fruit as the sun slaps me in the face and the smell of the canal rises around me and mixes with the aura and spice of Asia. Away from mentions, away from IG, away from deadlines, away from unapproved comments, away from long heartbreaking and emotionally draining emails from people trying to save a loved one suffering from cancer and need help, away from press releases from PR folk, away from following up on my payment. I just want to sit on that bobbing boat and hear people talk in a strange tongue. Peace, that’s what.

Talk soon?

P.S.:  I’d like to say a special thanks to Emmanuel Angalwa  and Captain Mike Shiyuka of Kenya Airways for their graciousness.

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221 Comments
  1. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter if your soak your beans or use soda on them before you cook them, your fart will still be gaseous and lethal- this has killed me.

  2. Almost all true especially the one on dropping your daughter to her school. Have to disagree with you on the butt crack. Not ugly on a lady….(Hides)

  3. Gospel according to Biko, esp. the women part.All the best in your year 38 and thanks for the inspiration to always view the many challenges we have in life comically.It helps me, a lot.

  4. May 38 be full of God’s goodness to you #5 is so TRUE.You really don’t have friends in this city. You have acquaintances. People you drink with. People you eat with. People you work with. People who sell you stuff. People you sell stuff to. That you have less than six true pals. The chaps who will get out of bed at 2am to come to your rescue without a thought or a single question apart from “Where are you?” or “How much do you need?” Those who only need to stand silently next to you when you are embattled with loss. Which means the people who find peace are the people with low expectations of people.

  5. Hahahahaha. I see old underwear is an affliction that both bachelors and married men have. Those things come home to roost at the worst of moments.
    http://www.magunga.com/a-nairobi-bachelor-walks-into-a-massage-spa/

    Happy birthday omera. Getting old is not a big deal. Ageing well is. Age well ondiek.

  6. Hehe that conversation between your Boy and the wife is really true…..you men support each other all the time…lol wonder if you gain anything lol!
    Happy Birthday my super Writer …may God give you more years ,men like need to read this till death do us a part.

  7. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter if your soak your beans or use soda on them before you cook them, your fart will still be gaseous and lethal.
    Omera you killed it… waiting on the bangkok diaries in full

  8. you start dating and you meet strange girls who treat birthdays like it’s the Second Coming…..that is so funny.I celebrate you for this kind of art is very rare.

  9. So happy birthday….when you are back…lets meet at that place where the apples and pineapples go…lets make a fruit salad of it..

  10. Belated Birthday wishes Biko!Here’s to many more! Your articles make me smile,sometimes I will laugh out loud and other times they bring tears to my eyes…Enjoy your time in Bangkok 🙂

  11. happy birthday man.
    Talking of things I have learnt; you need to find great joy in solitude of your own company, just you and your thoughts. More importantly learn when you need to be patient even when every nerve in your body is screaming what the f**k are you still doing here.

  12. I was looking forward to hearing “I have learnt that no matter how much I talk about my forehead, it will never grow small“ Nice piece though. I celebrate you. HAPPY 38TH BIRTHDAY BABA TAMMS NA KIM.

  13. He he, ati:
    “That you can never win the battle against the weaves. It’s a war that is full of guerillas and insurgents who are armed to the tits with superior weaponry and ride fast on the backs of strong horses. It’s a losing battle that is just not worth it.”

    Go placidly among the noise and haste…
    Memories

  14. “The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas”.
    How do you come up with phrases like these..it has got to be nothing but pure talent..you cant make this stuff up… Well in Biko…well in and Happy Birthday. have a very fruitful and blessed 38th year. t

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  15. naskia leo ni no bra day…kwani our ladies ain’t celebrating this wonderful day jamaneni…anyway, happy birthday biko..since hujawai kata cake kuja nikupe Quencher na biscuits…at least that’s how i used to celebrate mine..no bra day…

  16. Happy birthday Biko and no I refuse to say belated wishes..coz yeeesss #itsyourbirthdayallmonth trust me I am an October baby I know we rock like that and we are allowed to have birthdays all month soo ENJOY!

  17. Happy birthday.

    15. As a man of the house and father,you have to wake up earlier even if you are going to be doing nothing important and be the last one to switch off the lights in the sitting room and the bedroom.

  18. The floating market is really great!
    You can even buy cans of beer from other floating boats without even getting off your ass.
    While in Bangkok ask about going to the Tiger temple…a buddhist Monk site 2 hrs out of Bangkok where youcan pet Grown Tigers…amazing experience!

  19. One more thing you should add to the list…. you have learnt that there are thousands of people who look forward to your posts and wish you nothing but the best in life.

    Happy Birthday Biko.. 🙂 And life still begins at 40… So never mind Lucy!!! 😀

  20. I have also learned that in this City you really don’t have friends…..only acquaintances! The Cold Truth!!! Have
    yourself a happy Birthday Mr. Zulu and may God’s favour always follow you.

  21. Happy birthday Biko, to you and your forehead. 🙂
    May you find chapos to be sweeter this year, and passion fruit cake from Shell Westlands cake baked for you.

  22. If you are a banana live like one, don’t try so hard to be an apple or an orange. Wooow. The best advice on my birthday month

  23. The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas. …. One day I will put laxative in her tea, I swear!

  24. Putting laxative in her tea is sooo two thousand and eight….lol
    Happy belated birthday Jackson Biko and that forehead of yours that we have come to accept. It’s your one redeeming feature,that and your writing.

  25. Biko…please pitia this town called Pattaya.

    And write something about the nightlife there. Please.

    And I shall still feed on beans despite the noxious gases I produce exactly 5 hours after feeding.

  26. Happy Birthday Biko.
    i’m not 20 but i still picture you in T-shirts.Okay that was before i googled you. I must commend you for the forehead though …

  27. That’s a great article though I don’t quite agree with #14. If you have lived in Mogadishu and you’ve eaten chapos every day and night for a month, you will difinetly have lost the taste for them at some point.

    1. Ayuma, Havent met someone we share a name…..Happy birthday Biko and may you have many more to continue inspiring us.

  28. Happy belated birthday Biko. Its true that we don’t have friends in the city. I will be waiting for you to update us on Fred’s girl if she will be fired any time soon (I am kidding of course). LOL!

  29. Happy belated birthday man. my facial expressions have changed severally as i read this…..taking stock humorously.

  30. Birthday month…Biko you should celebrate hahaa
    talk about mini vacay in bangkok and how amazing it your 38th birthday, anyway its never that serious

  31. to women. If u wear a weave a corset a mothers union ur no friend of biko.
    to Magunga. I tried to comment on ur last blog but it failed me.
    to biko. I had already wished u a happy birthday…looking foward to the experience from Bangkok. And the response u will never give me on the numerous emails I have sent u. see u soon bro.

  32. This has actually happened. True story!!”they sneak into your bedroom and come out wearing your old underwear on their head as everybody is gathered to sing.”

  33. Don’t worry so much about who you are. If you are a banana you know you are a banana, be happy to be a banana. You shouldn’t pretend you are an apple and so don’t go to places frequented by apples or oranges….that’s just about the best advice ever!

  34. One day a “Gang” member will die of laughter, and the CID will come for you Biko! And the news will be like: “Blogger without a face for camera has been accused of causing death of one of his “Gang” members who laughed his last breath on bikozulu.” The day is coming, *insert cunning smiley….* A happy life ahead, quite a story-teller..

  35. Happy Birthday Biko!! “people who find peace are people with low expectations of other people” well in! Ruoth omedi ndalo!

  36. Hahahahaha.don’t with joblessness on the twitter girl,it is a sad experience. I realize i am not weird coz i also find peace in noisy places and finally, happy 38th birthday Biko. May the stories increase as you age.baraka tele.

  37. Isn’t it funny the thoughts that spring up on our birthdays! We had the odd birthday celebration growing up but mostly we were just three well adjusted boys growing up in Kahawa a Barracks! It was actually cool to be an army brat, back then! So I hear you, Birthdays are overrated but life, shouldn’t be! Enjoy what you got while you still can! Happy Belated Birthday!

  38. happy birthday Biko… ” swear it’s a talent women
    have, to twist a conversation so effortlessly. ” you got that right

  39. Happy belated birthday Steve Biko.
    You will always have to open your mouth ridiculously wide and contend with things spilling out from between the bread and landing on your white shirt while taking a Burger. I have learnt that there is no point ordering one if you will use a knife and fork to eat it. That’s like buying shades to wear in the dark.

  40. …You had the time to count the holes? Sadly that’s very true of women…we take note of details…good read as usual Biko! Enjoy Bangkok.

  41. …You are a
    child of the universe no
    less than the trees and
    the stars; you have a
    right to be here…
    happy birthday biko

  42. So hilarious, well thought-out and spot on as usual.In not so many words, you aptly captured the view of the digital generation, in their late teens and early twenties, about people who are over 35 years.

    “I used to think I was super cool. That I knew what’s up, but she – at 20 years- looks at me like a scientist looks at something she wants to carbon date – with intrigue and curiosity and slight awe that I have survived in the world this long. I bet she wonders if I can still pee while standing.”
    Hehehe.. you slayed it man. But don’t you worry, you still have two more years before you start living. Don’t they say (Whoever they are) that life starts at 40? Nice piece though. Keep them coming.
    Enjoy your Asian trip too.

  43. It’s a war that is full of guerillas and insurgents who are armed to the tits with superior weaponry and ride fast on the backs of strong horses. It’s a losing battle that is just not worth it…….. thats funny esp the armed part to

  44. Happy belated birthday Biko, enjoy that get away, listen and smile while they speak in those strange tongues, enjoy your boat ride

  45. The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas.Biko, this statement is so on point. And Lucy’s generation listens to riddim…how that qualifies to be even music baffles me. Happy birthday!

  46. Which means the people who find peace are the people with low expectations of people…i strongly concur with this phrase..you truly have very few friends in life..naona tuko wengi na hii philosophia..happy birthday sir, keep writing and send me a piece of your cake from thailand lol

  47. Belated and blessed birthday..!! and no l did not err when l typed ‘blessed’.I hear Bangkok has excellent and decent massage parlours, do enjoy one!!

  48. 15.you still have so much to learn
    you can imagine a 90yr old reading this. You saying your old. “what is this infant talking abt” The brilliant part about it is that your always young to someone.
    **and you know your old when you get excited abt meeting someone form your “village”. Dead giveaway..

  49. hehe ‘…pit with snakes at the bottom..’ i might have to start digging my own grave soon. Oh my ribs!
    happy belated birthday Sir.

  50. That, when you are feeling overwhelmed by life and you seek quiet, sometimes you will find peace not in a silent place, but in a noisy place.Happy Birthday Month Biko

  51. Biko, you ever leave my ribs aching… and you have to throw her a party
    and invite loads of kids, some who
    will pee on your carpet and while
    you’re distracted by the pee, they
    sneak into your bedroom and come
    out wearing your old underwear on
    their head as everybody is gathered
    to sing. They always know how to
    pick the old underwear. Can you
    imagine that scenario?…. Happy Happy birthday to you. You may grow old , but your writings are evergreen.

  52. hahaha your hate for weaves is wanting Biko. Impressive that you were still able to write all this after an 8hr flight!

  53. Now this….this…This is some true stuff written here. Gospel that many of us in circa 30-40 can relate to!
    Today Biko, you spoke to me. Happy (belated) Birthday.

  54. Happy wonderful birthday Biko…to good health, and many more years of writing!!!
    PS: Hope ‘Imelda the clot’ thinned out and your leg is much better now?

  55. hahaha…”That you can never win the battle against the weaves. It’s a war that is full of guerillas and insurgents who are armed to the tits with superior weaponry and ride fast on the backs of strong horses. It’s a losing battle that is just not worth it.”…..that one is a gem…you also can never win the battle against “animal-print mothers union panties”….happy birthday Biko

  56. Biko a man must have an old underwear or a completely faded jeans just lying in the house even if its not being used. The reason why am saying this is if you are too clean, too organized then the lady in your life will take off in the slightest opportunity. We keep them not that we are using them but because we are still attached to them. Once a lady has found something like that it gives her an entry point into your life. She will start by throwing them away as she looks for other loopholes to fill in your bachelorhood life. I am a strong advocate for keeping old stuff in the house. How will the woman in your life feel if there is nothing she did different after entering your life.

    As for celebrating birthdays most of us who were from humble backgrounds must admit that even daring to dream about it (birthday) was a real pipe dream. Our parents considered putting food on top of the table, paying rent and school fees as the cardinal things to do. The rest after that to them were history. Woe unto me and you that raise kids in this generation. We are under siege from the information exposure that our kids have. I rest my case bro. Enjoy your stay in Bangkok.

  57. Happy belated birthday Biko. We need posts of the forehead otherwise…Enjoy Bangkok and thanks for No. 5 above all others..

  58. I love this line: “The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas.”

    Just made my evening.

  59. Happy belated birthday…you share your day with my one and only brother…he would be turning 45 God rest his soul….its nine years now still feels like yesterday. Enjoy all the cake while you can.

  60. A long yellow banana and two round fruits… Was Niko painting us a picture here ama I’m reading too much into things?

  61. What my boy should have said at the beginning of that conversation when she asked if he saw the state of my underwear was: Biko really needs to invest in new underwear surely, what rubbish is that? Then she will feel that you are on HER side and that story will die
    Biko you are such a sell out…. Now she will be saying “are you saying that just to end this conversation?” Then it gets worse. You have just lost your man card in Bankhok. No pun. Now you don’t have a visa.
    Happy birthday glad to know a writer of this class. What my boy should have said at the beginning of that conversation when she asked if he saw the state of my underwear was: Biko really needs to invest in new underwear surely, what rubbish is that? Then she will feel that you are on HER side and that story will die
    Biko you are such a sell out…. Now she will be saying “are you saying that just to end this conversation?” Then it gets worse. You have just lost your man card in Bankhok. No pun. Now you don’t have a visa.
    Happy birthday glad to know a writer of this class.

  62. Back in mfa I had a friend who had crazy thoughts like you, and constantly pumped using fire extinguishers. Nice hot…

  63. 32 here and never celebrated a birthday…my girlfriend thinks there’s some demonic stuff attached to birthday celebrations(my gf is weird)…. This one killed me though hahahahaha “The generation gap between us is so wide you could grow wheat and bananas on it and still have enough space to raise turkey in time for Christmas.”

  64. I have never left a comment. But that bit of burger advice got to me. I never eat burgers (or mangoes for that matter) in public. It just cannot be done in a civilized manner without depriving yourself of the pleasure of consuming the burger (or mango). Life is too short for half measures. So I sit alone at home and pig out to my hearts content.

  65. First comment on your page though I’ve been reading your articles forever and love every one of them. Your 38th birthday is a perfect time for me to start…Happy birthday Biko! Wish you many more.

  66. the piece is so well compacted that it has me tied in knots with awe on the generation gaps and what can possibly grow in between and the 14 advisory titbits as you meander through life.and you know what the underwear episode if forgotten.like you i never cut a birthday cake but unlike i heve girlchildren who take me thru the whole gamut of happy birthday and now we have our own kata keki i bet u have heard it 38yrs and such impertinence enjoy it man you would wish u could buy them years back as i sure i would have loved to have them back as mama watoto keep reminding me wacha upuzi nitakwangalia wewe au wajukuu!many happy returns old boy keep us cool

  67. I have learnt that it doesn’t matter how
    far or how extravagant you go for a
    woman. They will always forget what you
    did. That the guy who pulls a chair or
    notices a new hairstyle and comments on
    it goes further faster.

  68. Enyewe you’re old!!!Cause the advice is on point:)

    And point number 10 is deep(if I were a writer, I’d find a better adjective.)

  69. This one here,,”Then of course you get into early adulthood and you start dating and you meet strange girls who treat birthdays like it’s the Second Coming.” I can so relate.
    Happy belated Biko.
    And kindly find time and check out this lad, and say say something,http://lusekacafe.com/. Have fun in Bangkok!

  70. Lol! Biko enjoy your peace. And while you are at it please ask how that Bangkok name came about. May the good Lord bless your 38th.

  71. Happy Birthday Biko! For your witty words we praise, may you live long enough to see Tamms pay you back in kind lol. Ps: 1 or 2 chilli pods while boiling beans works magic for the gas

  72. As i read through the list(of gems), i was almost sure you had lost it until you mentioned chapos.Then it hit me that i had almost lost myself.Just curious,how did you settle on 14 and not 16.Lucky number,formulae?Okay enough,happy belated birthday.

  73. Happy birthday Biko,just celebrated mine a week before yours and for us October babies it us I’ve long birthday month for us.Enjoy your trip sir.

  74. Happy birthday Biko,just celebrated mine a week before yours and for us October babies it is one long birthday month for us.Enjoy your trip sir.

  75. Happy 38th. Birthdays are overrated anyways. It’s just a day you should thank God for life and also thank yourself for not committing suicide.

  76. Happy Birthday Biko Zulu. Because you live, many of us have breathed easier, and have had more occasions to laugh…

  77. Happy belated birthday Biko!

    Love the way you fusioned humour with gems …
    P.S. I too, are suspicious of guys who don’t like chapatis 😀

  78. Yes Biko, I agree with you, they always act surprised and say, “aww, you shouldn’t have” but we all know you really SHOULD have for the sake of world peace and your sex life… You also had to somehow sneak in the forehead! Hehehe …but wait a minute, I detest chapos, what’s the suspicion about now!

  79. biko if you are 38 then my dreams are valid. happy birthday. also because you are 38 i cant call you dude or man or bro……so happy birthday oldschool

  80. Happy birthday Biko. I guess everyone had the Desiderata hanging from the wall and my mum made me memorize it. The 14 things you have learnt are so on point. Enjoy Bangkok

  81. I read this after having dinner in my godparents house in south of England and burst out laughing so hard about Fred’s intern that I had to explain who Bikozulu is so that my sanity isn’t questioned. N yes those airport waits without wifi are life changing.

  82. I laughed out a loud, really did!
    “One day I will put laxative in her tea, I swear.”
    Hopefully, it will not be on a day that water is unavailable… You will all have to take the day off – unless you all have a pit latrine in the office, lol!

  83. I like this post definitely will be looking out for what i learn when i am your age although I have recognized a few good ones on this post. As always you continue to impress me. Thanks

  84. I will be 38 on october 26th too……………..you are my agemate! Would love to meet you some day………..cheers! Enjoy

  85. nyc piece Biko, be weary of the apples n oranges in Bankok though, I hear most of em r grafted with bananas.. hehe

  86. I disagree with yo on number 8…. change the type of beans.there’s a green type that’s ok I know not the name