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Njeri

I don’t think it is the weak who stay in toxic marriages, I think it’s actually the strong ones who do. The strong only leave when they have no more strength left, no more will. My younger sister packed her bags five years ago and walked out of her apartment – and toxic marriage – took a freaking bus in the cold winter of Zurich, Switzerland, holding her son’s small gloved hand and a suitcase with only the possessions she absolutely had to leave with. She found her way to the airport and fled from the ruinous horror of what was left of her marriage. Coming back home was something of a miracle because I had stopped thinking she would do it. And when I laid my eyes on her – a shell of a woman; motherless, jobless and with the self esteem of a homeless mutt- I knew the hard part was over and that she was going to be all right. And she is. It has been five years since her son stopped asking her, “Mom, why do you keep crying?”

 

And so when I got an email from a reader saying her best friend who just left her 14-year marriage and is undergoing divorce has a story to tell because she is in her 40s I thought, “Argh, good for her but her story is so ‘dog bites man.’” So I emailed her back asking her what she thought was unique about her friend’s story and she said, that she is a doctor, a successful policy-maker, a breadwinner and yet hadn’t had the emotional intelligence to leave. That piqued my interest; the collision of academic/ professional strength and emotional strength. Sounded to me like a ‘man bite dog,’ story, so I got her number.

Then came the important question; will she talk freely? Will she ask me not to use her real names (Oh God!)? How do I make her feel comfortable enough to get the raw stuff out? Whatever the case, she had to be completely relaxed.

Then I remembered that someone called Nellah from Entim Sidai Wellness Sanctuary in Karen had contacted me a while back inviting me to go for a complimentary spa treatment at their sanctuary in Karen. I didn’t go because, well, it gets so busy, plus I was just too lazy to drive to Karen. So I called them and spoke to Lucy, the manager. I asked them if I could go and treat someone and they said sure, I could.

So I booked Vallery Njeri in.

Entim Sidai Wellness is not what I had expected. First, it sits on a massive 20 acres that is full of indigenous trees. Once you have gotten off Tree Lane which is about 150m after that Karen roundabout as you head towards Ngong, you will plunge into a rich tapestry of all kinds of trees, drive under a canopy of green and on a road carpeted by leaves, past a wonderful quaint cabin to the right (I’m a sucker for those) and get immersed in the silence of the compound. The sound of your car seems so intrusive here, so you quickly kill it in the parking and close your door without a bang. Here, nature commands respect.

Entim Sidai means “beautiful forest” in Maasai.

Dr. Njeri shows up a few minutes to 1pm straight from work in wearing high heels, a dress and natural hair. She’s bubbly. When she disappears for her spa treatment, I decide to take a walk in this forest. I shuffle down a path and pass a glass house, which is a spa area for couples in the middle of the woods, complete with a jacuzzi and steam, and a table outside to enjoy green tea after your treatment. (If you are ever asking guys, “by the way my chic’s birthday is next week, any ideas? This here, is an idea.)

I walk through an orchestra of  chirping birds, stand near a massive tree and look up. It’s one of those showy trees that go on and on right up to heaven’s door and up there I see something bright blue. On closer inspection I realise- to my amusement – that it’s a monkey’s testicles. The monkey stares at me as I stare at its testicles. I’m being rude and the monkey knows it. But monkeys don’t have rights not to be stared at, I mean, if you know you have blue testicles you shouldn’t be sitting on branches because people will look up! So I stare at his blue testicles as he stares at me, neither of us ceding to blink first – until my neck gets tired and I walk away. The monkey wins. He probably went home that evening and told his son, “Son, please don’t ever grow up with the manners of humans. It will break my heart.”

I turn right and I see – through the trunks of trees – another glass structure that looks like a restaurant. I walk there and realise to my consternation that it’s an all glass nail studio. A very snazzy one at that! While I’m standing there ogling, a beautician comes and asks, “Do you like it?” I say, “I love it! This is very creative. Women really know how to treat themselves!” She says, “You can treat yourself too. Would you like a manicure?” I’m a bit shy to do a manicure because, well, the monkey might see me doing a manicure and think, “what’s worse than blue testicles is a man doing a manicure,” so I say, “Maybe a quick pedicure?” So I remove my jumper and shoes and sit on this high chair and while she is folding up my jeans, Lucy shows up and says, “Give him a paraffin wax pedicure. You will love it, Biko.” So I do a paraffin wax pedicure which involves a normal pedicure but then you dip your feet into some molten wax up to your ankles then they wrap them in polythene paper and you slip into plastic shoes.  After 10mins they washed your feet and massage them; it feels so damned good because all you hear in the silence are those wonderful birds and the occasional plane flying far above. It felt so good that I asked her if I could get a manicure as well. While doing the manicure, I see a monkey staring, it shakes its head and walks away and that makes me feel slightly bluer than his testicals. Monkeys can be so judgmental.

We are now settled at a table in the front lawn of the main house under a massive mugumo tree that looks older than Kenya. Herbal tea is served. It’s coincidental that this house was built in 1924 by another doctor, a Scottish missionary doctor who migrated to Kenya in 1916. It’s one of those very elaborate old stone-houses that even though restored, still seem to possess tons of history, moments and secrets.

Dr. Njeri will later have some fish (she barely ate it after she started talking) and I, chicken wings. (People who eat chicken wings and burgers with forks and knives will all burn in hell. Mark my words. God is watching you.)

Her story begins like all stories. Girl meets boy in uni. Girl likes boy, who is charming and all that. They date for a year after uni. She falls preggies. They wed.  While she gets her feet wet in medicine, doing her second degree, he starts his own business but it doesn’t pick up as fast as they hope and so she bears the responsibility of  carrying them on her back.

“I come from a family where solid marriages are a thing.” Dr Njeri explains. “My parents share a lot, they never seem to hide anything from each other and  so since I had a steady income I shouldered the responsibility of taking care of the home. So I did everything; rent, food, school fees, clothes, I took loans and bought the two cars we had, I took loans to put money into his business. It was natural and I didn’t mind.”

Years passed.

She says her mental problems sort of sneaked up on her. “Maybe it’s because I was so busy pursuing my masters and having children that I didn’t really think I was being abused. Too much was going on to think about myself,”  she laughs. But then things started becoming clearer after her third – and last born – child, what she calls ’clarity of thinking.’

“I think he felt emasculated because of my financial responsibility, and the abuse started coming in form of hurtful comments. He would talk to me carelessly at first and I thought it must be pressure from the business and all. But then it became more personal and more brutal – comments about me as a person, comments that implied that I was nothing, that I was stupid. He would get upset if my colleagues didn’t notice him. He didn’t like their husbands. He stopped hanging out with me saying I was too expensive, so I would give him my debit cards to go hang out with his friends. He’d snap at me without reason.” She unfolds her legs under the table and pauses. “Look, we both drunk alcohol, but he would come home drunk and really go at me for hours, talking at me and making me feel really small and foolish. So at some point I would pretend to be asleep whenever I heard him come home.”

This continued for a couple of years and one day she started having migraines that wouldn’t go away. Her eating habits became poor. For the first time her monthly periods became painful. They would go on for two weeks and she would plunge into severe menstrual stress. Then she started losing weight, flesh falling off her body, her cheeks losing their vitality, her eyes seeming to sink under heavy shadows of exhaustion and stress.  Her light began to dim day by day, and before long, her days were reminiscent of stumbling through an endless corridor of darkness, just feeling her way through it, not even looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, just getting by.

“Did you tell someone, talk to someone, your Mom?” I ask.

“My parents didn’t know. How could I tell them? I was keeping a united front, covering for him, because I wanted a marriage like theirs!” she says. “You know, looking back I think my spirit was dying when I even stopped taking interest in the things I enjoyed doing, like gardening. We had  a lovely garden which I would tend to daily but at some point I let it die. I couldn’t be bothered with it. When you lose interest in the things that give you life, you know there is a big problem.”

She then started hating the way she looked. She would look in the mirror and think there was nothing about her that was beautiful. “I felt ugly. I felt ugly and stupid because he would tell me that I was nothing, a nobody and I wouldn’t go far and when someone you share your life with keeps telling you these things it doesn’t matter how strong you are, you break and you start believing that you are what you are told. At some point I couldn’t even make any decisions anymore. Here I was, a strong career woman who believed that she was nothing.”

“Did all this spill over to your career?” I ask.

Her brow sinks in thought. “I couldn’t sleep. In fact, two years before I left, I didn’t sleep well.I would stay up all night, thinking and waiting for dawn and at dawn I would go to work because work seemed like the only place I found some respite because at home I was a nobody. I was nothing. My self confidence became so small. My relationship with men at work changed, I had this internal fear that I would get insulted, or put down. I questioned my decisions at work.”

“And how did it affect the children?”

“They changed too. My nanny of 10-years started telling me how the kids were changing; how they would fight against each other, an aggression they didn’t possess before.”

Things got worse, of course. Her sisters suspected something was very wrong given that she was losing weight and withdrawing and becoming this pale shadow of who she was. She didn’t open up about her troubles, instead she bottled them up and kept a strong front in the face of the raging turmoil within. The sex went through the window. Her garden started wilting; the leaves all fell off and what remained were dry, gnarled stems that seemed to reach out to clutch at some semblance of life. She tells me of something amazing that started happening to her. She started veering off the road while driving. Like all the time.

“The only time my mind would be completely blank was while driving and since I wasn’t even sleeping enough I would fall asleep at the steering wheel.” She says. But it wasn’t the conventional sleep with eyes closed – it was an open-eyed sleep, where your whole body slumps into a sleep but your eyes remain open. “Many times I would wake up in time to find my car veering off the road. A few times I would ram into the back of matatus in traffic. I’m lucky I didn’t have a major accident,” she says.

“What about your pals? Didn’t they see what was wrong? I mean if I started behaving strange, I’m sure one of my friends will pull me aside and say, “Boss, what’s wrong, your cheek bones are showing and you are acting very strange?”

“Remember the lady who emailed you? That’s one of my closest friends and she noticed and begged me to see a doctor because of my weight loss and my headaches but I’m a doctor and I thought I would know if I had a serious problem. As a doctor you are convinced you know it all. I also didn’t imagine that my marriage was the cause.” She grins. “Plus what doctor would I see? I didn’t want my business out there in the profession. I didn’t want to be a case study.”

She continues. “The thing with abusive men is that they are extremely charming, people on the outside think they are angels. My parents wouldn’t have believed me had I told them that he was who he was, they would probably have thought that I’m the psychotic one.” She laughs and I laugh too because I don’t know when I will next be able to laugh.

By the way, can I just say that at this point she has stopped eating while I stuff my face with these delicious chicken wings? I feel shameful to be honest, that amidst this story of doom and darkness I can still muster an appetite for chicken wings. And those chicken wings are many, but everytime I pick one I feel less guilty. I’m just a terrible person feasting at the feet of tragedy.

Anyway, the first doctor they went to see with one of her friends diagnoses her with depression and she thinks, no way. “Do you know how you know you are depressed?” She asks me.

“They ask you one simple question;’How do you see yourself?’” She says. “A lot of it is self image, self love, how you see yourself as a person.”

Anyway, she doesn’t take the antidepressant drugs she is given. Things get worse and later on she calls a friend crying and she takes her to see another doctor in Hurlingham who worries that she is  grossly underweight. She is put on new drugs and psychotherapy and the drugs make her stronger and more energetic.

“I knew I was a bad case when I would meet people I know and they would wear that shocked look on their faces,” she says. “I’m the kind of person children are drawn to. Children see me and they want to hug me. So when children began to be repulsed by my sight I knew that I had lost it.”

“What did your husband say about your medication?”

“He never accompanied me once to those doctor sessions and he would ask me why I was taking those drugs, asked if I wanted to die!”

This one time she is in the States travelling for work  and she is just roaming about, blue as a girl can get, when she stumbles upon this cathedral. She goes in and puts a prayer request in an envelope (health, happiness and peace of mind), lights a candle, prays and leaves. She comes back to Kenya and slightly over a month later, she receives a handwritten postcard from the cathedral’s chaplain telling her that they had prayed for her and that they had her in their thoughts.

“I was so, so touched. I have not mastered the strength to write to that chaplain and thank him because everytime I sit down to write it I break down. I think during this time is where I felt a shift in my life.” She looks away and I’m thinking, don’t cry, please don’t cry, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would probably have to leave the table and my lovely chicken wings and go look for the monkey. Because monkeys don’t cry.

She doesn’t cry. The scare passes quickly.

Because she was taking her drugs and seeing her therapist and feeling stronger and better about herself, she started standing up to her husband. She started pushing back. “He was used to my cowering, so my refusal to do things took him aback. Saying, ‘no, I won’t take another loan’ wasn’t something he was used to. Neither was I. The happy person he met a long time ago was coming back and I don’t think he knew how to deal with that, so he started pushing too. He would talk at me before the watchmen and my kids and the nanny and even in public. He was trying to pull me down to the place he liked me, a place of weakness, but this time I was fighting back. Then the threats of violence started. He would threaten me with violence and that’s when I remember my sister talking to my mom about my situation. We all had a meeting – myself, my parents and my sisters and I remember my father talking about raising us to be strong and to be happy and I completely broke down and cried and that’s when I also saw my father cry, for the first time.”

“What’s that thing that eventually made you leave?” I ask.

“This one time he was out drinking and he had been threatening to beat me up and I remember walking around the house hiding anything sharp that he can use to stab me with; forks, knives, scissors and so on and then I remember going to bed thinking; hang on, what kind of life is this where I’m hiding sharp things that he can use to harm me with? What point was this that I had reached that I was condoning the possibility of being harmed violently? Soon after I left.”

So two years ago, when she had just turned 39, she left with her kids; packed and moved into a smaller house. She cut the dreadlocks that she had had for many years. The day she moved out she lost all her anti-depressant pills. “I’m not the kind of person who loses things, but that day I lost my medication during the move and I never took them again. I think that was symbolic.” She then adds, “I was scared that first night I moved out, and I cried so much. But that night I slept so deeply, like I had not slept in the past two years.”

“I find it so hard  to reconcile that on one hand you were this kick-ass professional woman, doing big things at work but when you went home you were a mouse.”

“You know, when you are educated you use your brain to theorise and you use it to suppress your conscience,” she says. “Those two are different…” Lucy comes at this point and I offer her the clean bones of my chicken wings. When she is gone I ask Dr. Njeri. “Do you think you were an enabler of this situation you found yourself in, what was your role?”

“Definitely, I was an enabler!” she says. “I was a meek wife. I’m not the kind of person who likes confrontation…but saying no isn’t confrontation, is it? I think I was letting him get away with treating me like that. I was too concerned with pleasing him. So, yes, I enabled my situation.”

I stare at the old-tiled roof of the aged stone house. It’s getting to 4pm and the sun cuts through the branches and trees in what photographers call the golden hour. It’s a wonderful warm glow that lights up the greens of the grass. A bird like a dove calls somewhere and behind us, the treetops go on and on. Beyond, Ngong Hills loom. Small droplets of rain fall on my shoulder, but it doesn’t rain.

“What kind of a place are you in right now?”

“Stronger. I can make decisions that are good for me and my kids. You know as women we don’t take care of ourselves first. I remember that every time I travelled I would shop for the kids first, then shop for him and it is only when money ran out that I would think of Njeri. I think there is nothing wrong with thinking about yourself first, it’s only when you love yourself that you can extend that love to others.” I almost say Amen, but catch myself. I’m in the presence of a learned person, after all.

“I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.”

“What does this divorce mean for your children?” I ask.

“You know daughters and their fathers… they were devastated when I left but I talked to them and told them we don’t love each other anymore but they can see him whenever they want to,” she says. “I think that environment can’t be good for children’s upbringing. The teachers have seen tremendous change in my children; they say they are more confident and articulate than they were before. I noticed that when he used to deride me before the children they also started to disrespect me.” She pauses. I stare at her fish sadly. No fish has to suffer that level of neglect. It breaks my heart.

“What is the divorce teaching my daughters?” she poses. “I think it would be ironic that I give them a great education to be strong women and leaders in future yet they see their mother, a professional, being abused in marriage. If your mom took it, why can’t you? My friend tells me that growing up they saw their father do the same to their mom. Now they don’t have a relationship with their mom, it’s like they blame her for taking all that abuse.”

She feels liberated two years after leaving. She just turned 42 years and she is getting back into her old skin. She climbed Mount Kenya and she is planning on climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. (“It’s metaphoric, this quest to climb mountains. You are telling yourself that you can overcome great challenge and adversity,” I tell her.) She also has a garden where she lives in Karen and she spends every evening in her garden, pruning, watering her lilies and carnations and orchids because she loves flowers and she loves the feeling of feeding her spirit into the spirit of nature and what nature gives her in return.

She takes out her phone and shows me a picture. It’s of an Amaryllis flower with large white petals. She says the flower has a story. “I bought this flower seven years ago when I was still married and it bloomed the first couple of years and then it never bloomed again. I tried everything I could to make it bloom but it wouldn’t,” she says. “But then I left my marriage two years back and it’s only recently that it bloomed again after a long spell.”

She then turns to  looks at me to see if I get the significance of this.

I do.

246 Responses
  • Shanto Bongola
    05.09.2017

    NICE READ.




    4
    • neyo
      05.09.2017

      my story except am not a doctor he is and he was the provider. bravo Njeri




      40
      • Geraldine
        05.09.2017

        My story too,he is a doctor..five years down the line…I can’t compare my life to that I went through for 10yrs.




        24
      • Evelyn
        06.09.2017

        How did you do it. How are you today




        0
      • Awino
        07.09.2017

        Kudos to you my sisters. Here’s to the brave souls who have risen from the ashes of their abusive relationships and have found their inner ‘shero’, society and “people who will talk” be damned. You have not only redeemed yourselves, you have redeemed your children and their children after them from the yoke of self-doubt and dependence on society’s opinions as a source of happiness. Years from now, if someone says to one of your children, “you can’t make it without me,” your children will look them in the eye and say, ” I can and I will. My mother did it, and she not only made it, she thrived and prospered. “, And they will add, just for good measure, ” You should know people, choke!”




        22
      • Gee
        08.09.2017

        My story as well, the difference, I wasn’t married, my ex boyfriend saved me from a toxic relationship. He really doesn’t know yet, but he came back at the right time




        5
  • Me
    05.09.2017

    I was here.




    11
  • mospet sasa
    05.09.2017

    I see a monkey staring, it shakes its head and walks away and that makes me feel slightly bluer than his testicals. Monkeys can be so judgmental. That made my day.




    25
  • Zahra
    05.09.2017

    Wow! Glad she left. No one should EVER endure abuse to sustain a relationship.




    13
    • Lolo
      07.09.2017

      I have to disagree with Biko’s first statement too, it takes a whole lot of strength to walk out of a marriage. Njeri was only able to do it when she regained her willpower and self-love. A woman’s self-esteem is a very fragile thing; just like a man’s ego,. Women need to realize that they owe a duty to themselves first, to ensure that they are in a safe and happy place before they take care of anyone else.




      9
  • Wesh Peter
    05.09.2017

    Okay, minus the part where you stare at a monkey’s business this story harbours relief for me. I couldn’t wait to get to the part where Dr. Started rising again. It’s like I was rooting for her throughout the reading. She’ll be an inspiration to many. I’m sure.
    And Biko you betray us men when you go around doing pedicures and manicures. “mwanaume ni kutumia wembe :)”.




    160
    • hahahaha….wah! That’s just plain savage..wembe.




      8
    • Alice Kisilu
      05.09.2017

      I am with you on this Wesh, Mwanaume ni wembe




      7
    • G.G
      05.09.2017

      ….meno!




      15
    • petty
      07.09.2017

      Hahahahahahahaha . . . . . Peter u just make me laugh, u know after every read I just scroll down to see what you have to say about the story and u never disappoint! . . . . . . . .You r just hilarious, I bet u write too, right?




      3
  • Mkash
    05.09.2017

    Entim Sidai is an awesome place. And that glass nail studio!!!! You are right – perfect place to treat a loved one.

    Njeri’s story brought tears to my eyes…. it’s only too familiar. Kudos to her for finding the strength to leave. Divorce is never easy on kids….but in the long run it’s better than having the kids grow up seeing their mother being abused.

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.” She couldn’t have put this any better. Thanks for sharing this story Chocolate man.




    47
  • Jane Nungari
    05.09.2017

    Abusive marriages and relationships are toxic and only end up draining life, strength and esteem from a person. It takes a lot of courage and strength to FORGIVE Yourself and your abusive partner, leave, pick up the pieces and move on with your life, because you only have 0ne life and you deserve to be happy and loved deeply and sincerely.




    34
  • Carol
    05.09.2017

    Good stuff!
    Love yourself first and don’t allow others to put you down….. easier said than done!




    11
  • Maureen Wanjiru
    05.09.2017

    Powerful read.




    4
  • Just Shiru
    05.09.2017

    Njeri’s story is one that has reminded me of so many divorce matters that have landed on my table one time or another…. I salute her for having the courage to walk,for some they walk out when they are too broken and have no desire to even try to find themselves again. ….. There is a very thin line between love and hate…




    18
  • Naomy
    05.09.2017

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women,

    Tell the truth as it is.




    9
  • Ann
    05.09.2017

    Always amazing




    0
  • Kim
    05.09.2017

    Wow. I dnt like me who abuse women no matter what. More power to her!




    5
  • Ronald
    05.09.2017

    She did well. Especially for herself and her kids. She is strong and has a great personality. It’s good that she is out of that thing.




    1
  • Nimusiima Susan
    05.09.2017

    This one made me tear. She had a good brain after all to remind her that this is not how normal people live




    3
  • GT
    05.09.2017

    Amazing piece Biko. A lot of lessons have been brought out there.
    And hey, i like how you distract yourself from serious conversations, acting like an activist for fish’s rights!
    Amazing, as always.




    15
    • Edwin
      06.09.2017

      No fish has to suffer that level of neglect. It breaks my heart.




      2
  • joseph
    05.09.2017

    “when a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”




    91
  • Wainaina
    05.09.2017

    Very touching & kudos to Dr. Njeri on that affirmative step for the better.
    2017, and so many guys are afraid to delve into the marriage world because it’s getting more ‘plastic’ by the minute. Do those couple seminars & group sessions still help? Do couples still read those inspirational marriage books? Do they help? I don’t know. So many questions.
    Toxic marriages(relationships) are just too much and they go both ways too.

    Nice read Biko.

    ianwainaina.WordPress.com




    15
    • Mrs. Ndung'u
      05.09.2017

      Marriage is still alive and well, I am in one and I can say that it depends with whom you get married to.




      13
    • Ngendo
      06.09.2017

      True… There’s hope though :-). Still, a lot of work to be done.. I was just discussing with my friend today morning at the bus stop :-), and we were saying that people need to first grow and have a healthy view of themselves and a good self esteem before getting into relationships/marriage. We need to take care of ourselves so we can take care of others. A marriage should be a partnership of two strong people who decide to help each other be the best version of themselves. I am convicted this is very possible even today.




      5
    • Awino
      07.09.2017

      Wainaina, marriage is a journey, if you are lucky, and I say lucky because, even abusive marriages usually start off in a happy place, your luck will land you a good husband/wife. Someone who will love and respect you and be your supporter through life’s journey. Don’t try to change them into an image you have in your head, especially if they don’t want to change in that way. Be kind.




      1
  • Beatrice
    05.09.2017

    Real life story. Congratulations to Njeri for being strong enough to leave the abusive marriage. May she continue to be strong and glow.




    2
  • Daniel M
    05.09.2017

    You always busy eating in almost any other interview.How and when do you take notes??Photographic memory??




    13
    • Renée
      05.09.2017

      Recorder




      8
  • Missy
    05.09.2017

    I can totally relate.




    1
  • Orait
    05.09.2017

    “You know, when you are educated you use your brain to theorise and you use it to suppress your conscience,”
    Okay.




    13
    • DK
      05.09.2017

      So much truth in this




      1
  • Githinji Mwaniki
    05.09.2017

    We all need to bloom, and its so encouraging to read a story with a win at the end. Can we all agree to find what’s causing all the wilting in our lives? Find a reason to shine again, in a color that you enjoy and cherish.




    39
    • Ngendo
      06.09.2017

      Yes. We should decide, consciously, to shine again




      0
  • Teryl
    05.09.2017

    She made the best decision for both herself and her children.This story has enormous lessons for most women in toxic marriages who believe more in the image they put up than their own happiness




    7
  • bumblebee
    05.09.2017

    *long deep sigh*
    I got the significance of it too☺. What good is love if its empty?
    Its only when you love yourself that you can extend that love to others.




    20
  • Ava
    05.09.2017

    I used to judge women who stayed in unhealthy relationships, until i found myself in one… And Dr. Njeri is right, abusive men are very charming the world loves them, they say thank you, excuse me, open and pull chairs, go out of their way to please people around you, and are opposite while you’re together.. They make you alienate yourself from people because you realise NO one will believe you, and you end up feeling like it’s your fault that they act the way they do when they are with you.




    71
    • Sue M.
      05.09.2017

      So true! I find myself in a situation where I’ve lost most of my friends to his charm as they believe he did no wrong. It hurts losing them, trying to get back up alone & healing solo.




      8
      • Ava
        06.09.2017

        Sue,
        You will bloom again, you will bloom again.




        6
  • Waceke
    05.09.2017

    Happy for you Daktari.
    that definitely takes courage . Keep blossoming.




    1
  • Nyakio.
    05.09.2017

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.” This is Quite true. No need of bring trapped , yet you as a woman have the power within you to free yourself. Same applies to men NEVER STAY IN A TOXIC MARRIAGE BECAUSE OF THE CHILDREN!. ooooh Dr. Njeri is such an inspiration.




    4
  • Sylvia
    05.09.2017

    I cried… Because I am a woman and I too have cried over a relationship that was never meant to be…..Years after leaving the relationship… The biggest lesson I have …It is better to be lonely than be unhappy…..The power to be happy never let anyone take that from you….))))




    21
    • Atieno
      06.09.2017

      Very true. Though I know that married women in toxic marriages are the lonliest people, especially because everyone thinks they’re ok because they’re married so no one reaches out to them.




      0
    • Size 10
      13.09.2017

      I stayed in an abusive relationship because I thought no one else would want me! I felt ashamed to admit to myself that all these bad things were happening to me (beatings, infidelity, insults). One day I found the strength to walk away and I never looked back. 10 years later I’m the best version of myself ever!
      To those in abusive relationships, just know that you shall rise again.




      0
  • Faynosh
    05.09.2017

    very inspiring. I just wish many women realized that they can survive on their own and run away from abusive marriages before it is too late. am happy for the doc.am sure many people will learn from her




    5
  • Osolo
    05.09.2017

    hehe that blue testicle part got me




    2
  • gathoni
    05.09.2017

    That lead sentence triggered me so bad.
    Jeez.
    I’m glad that she walked away when she did.




    2
  • Emmah
    05.09.2017

    No wonder it’s very important to have more honest conversations with yourself, more vulnerable conversations with yourself, more conversations with your, self! …..Njeri, your prayers were answered .




    4
  • irene
    05.09.2017

    wauh! can you keep the 40s series forever? I turn 40 on October 26th too, i may give you my story then




    30
    • Ythera
      05.09.2017

      That’s my son’s birthday too!




      1
  • Joy
    05.09.2017

    Most of my family members are in abusive relationships and none of them has left. They all want to retain this stupid marriage concept of.. “HAPPILY MARRIED ‘…

    But I’m glad to read that Njeri is among the few strong ones who leave an abusive relationship.

    And Biko what’s with you and food being neglected!? One would be tempted to think that they are committing a sacrilegious offense!!!




    12
  • Anne Chege
    05.09.2017

    When you lose interest in the things that give you life, you know there is a big problem.”…and that is the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth. When you die inside, everything else follows suit.




    15
  • Wairimu Wa Chege
    05.09.2017

    Biko has made it in life!He used “consternation” so easily in a sentence.Lol

    Njeri represents so many, who die in silence. They are walking skeletons but their spirits are dead. Those who smile on the outside but have lost themselves.So many lessons to learn, abuse is not only physical and emotional abuse is the most draining.And i didn’t see her talk of the “warroom” cliche.She is real!

    Lakini that chicken wings line ha!

    Powerful read.




    15
    • Melanin
      05.09.2017

      That ‘watch War room’ malarkey was so depressing. I totally agree, i’m glad she didn’t mention that, else most of us would have rolled our eyes so hard, we’d get migraines.
      She is real, true.




      4
  • Miss Koki
    05.09.2017

    This story has reminded me that its never too late to leave, to always speak your truth, to always make yourself a priority. Abusive marriages and relationships need to stop being romanticized and especially in Kenya. I related to this on so many levels because despite my not being married, I have endured being the smart intellectual female with a guy who makes you feel worthless and not having the courage to leave. You think you will be judged, you’ll be thought weak and to an even worse degree that you will be condemned in the name of “kumea pembe”, “kupata pesa” and “kukosea bwana heshima”
    Njeri your bravery is to be admired by all women who are successful, policy-makers, breadwinners and who are yet to muster the emotional intelligence to leave. I’m sure now they will. Be blessed




    39
  • Ulysses Kalwe
    05.09.2017

    This is so deep.




    0
  • Owang
    05.09.2017

    Wow! Speechless.




    1
  • Biko's No. 1 Fan
    05.09.2017

    Quite a story…
    Inspired by how she turned things around and became a captain of her own ship. It only emphasizes that we’re the sole holders of our keys to happiness… It’s in our hands.
    Take-Away Lesson: Find what pleases your heart and do it – it’ll give life.
    To more life, Biko Crew.




    6
  • Judy
    05.09.2017

    This story talks to so many women. Thanks Biko for sharing Dr. Njeri’s life with us. Women should learn its ok to love themselves and accept to be loved,that it is not healthy to stay in an abusive marriage just because of societal expectation. Life still goes on even after leaving the abusive marriage your children need you alive more than anything else. My prayer goes to you and to your children. May God be with all those who are still in abusive marriages and see them through this phase of life.




    8
  • Vaileti
    05.09.2017

    I Exhale! Njeri’s story is a reflection of the burden a woman/ wife carries in a union. We have been seasoned through church,society and self expectations to have and uphold ‘Happy perfect marriages’ and the pressure is real.Congratulations Njeri, for mustering the strength to walk away even when the children would hurt but end up better off,for you are alive and definitely a better parent and a Happier You. May the flowers keep blooming. On that note…. I am starting to tend to my garden.
    #First time respondent. I just had to.




    5
  • Melanin
    05.09.2017

    90% of the people who read this and get to the end, where she shows a photo of the flower, will scroll up and have a look at the photo before the writing begins.
    Also, for most of us reading us, someone has come to mind that we know of who is strong enough to withstand a violent and abusive marriage. We have tried to make them leave, but hey, you are on the outside looking in and you cannot fathom what makes them stay in such abusive marriages.
    For some of us, we know of people who stayed in abusive marriages, the physical violence stopped, but here and there you will hear the man utter some verbal abuse to the wife, yet the wife says that all is good.
    I highly doubt that violent and abusive men change, well if they do, the damage done to the women takes a while to heal, a long while.
    And while we at it, can the church please stop telling women to pray for their abusive husbands. No prayer will not change him, once a monster always a monster.
    Glad to hear Daktari left before he made real his threats of violence.
    To every woman in an abusive marriage, leave, you will survive, you will make it.
    Proud of Dkatari and your sister for having the guts to leave.
    Great read as slways, had an out-of-body experience while reading this.




    23
  • “I bought this flower seven years ago when I was still married and it bloomed the first couple of years and then it never bloomed again. I tried everything I could to make it bloom but it wouldn’t,” she says. “But then I left my marriage two years back and it’s only recently that it bloomed again after a long spell.”
    Isn’t it incredible that this flower was responding to the toxic marriage? Just wow!
    Reading “man bites dog” stories like these make me feel that just as God sends men and women to each other; the devil being the copy cat that he is, does too.
    Women should ask any man proposing,”Who has sent you?” “Umetumwa na nani?” Because a heck of alot of guys out there are being sent by the devil to try to mess a woman’s destiny.
    “Ashindwe kabisa!”
    Hugs and love to Njeri and her kids. God will complete the emotional healing that He has begun in her.




    31
    • Marmanet
      05.09.2017

      Hehehe, ati who’s sent you, heck they should also produce the recommendation letter




      12
  • Maggy
    05.09.2017

    Wish we as women would understand that ‘happily married’ should not be cause of sticking in a self imposed cell.




    1
  • @clif_the_tall
    05.09.2017

    “When you lose interest in the things that give you life, you know there is a big problem.” Deep . You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick. Kudos for walking out of that abusive marriage Dr. Njeri. Biko Machicken wings thanks for this great piece.




    6
  • Syovs
    05.09.2017

    This has touched me. Am going through something similar sort of




    8
    • Vaileti
      05.09.2017

      May you find the strength to make the first important move; everything else will fall in place.




      2
    • Dream Girl
      05.09.2017

      Be encouraged,this is my experience ,from my parents marriage to mine,one word toxic!The best you can do is to free yourself so that you break that chain.I did.




      10
    • Bree
      05.09.2017

      Hi dear… as tough as it may be, find the courage to speak up




      3
    • della
      05.09.2017

      love yourself enough to move out of this. you may be scared of the unknown but trust you me, you will be fine. i made my step out 3 years ago, pregnant and scared. That happens to be the best decision in my life. love yourself!




      3
    • Faith
      05.09.2017

      It doesn’t stop my friend. You better start thinking. I was not not strong like Njeri and lived in a dead marriage for 24 years. My children have suffered. Noone can believe that my charming and humble looking husband is an abuser todate!




      4
    • pris
      06.09.2017

      Hugs. May you have the courage to do the right thing and God guide you through it all




      2
  • Carol
    05.09.2017

    Rooting for you Dr. Njeri! All will be well




    0
  • Smooth Criminal
    05.09.2017

    Quite a story…
    Inspired by how she turned things around and became a captain of her own ship. It only emphasizes that we’re the sole holders of our keys to happiness… It’s in our hands.
    Take-Away Lesson: Find what pleases your heart and do it – it’ll give life.
    To more life, Biko Crew.




    1
  • Dream Girl
    05.09.2017

    I shed a tear because this is my story too…word by word…same script different cast.I have paid bills,I have been called names from stupid,wh*re,ugly,I have had to hide knives at night..I have been told i don’t use my common sense.In all this I thank God because i was able to move out in June,I am raising my daughter in peace.I know am a good person and I will heal because he left me damaged…




    39
    • JudePaul
      05.09.2017

      Hope you don’t cry more…. Monkeys don’t cry!




      1
      • Dream Girl
        05.09.2017

        I am still struggling with my experience..abusers have a way of making you feel like you are nothing without them.I won’t promise but i will try not to cry,he is not worth it.




        8
        • Bwabi
          05.09.2017

          praying for you Dream girl. The lord is with you




          2
        • Essy
          06.09.2017

          you are in my prayers Dream Girl..HUGS …Please find a counselor ,he /she will help you deal with the emotional abuse u suffered




          0
    • @clif_the_tall
      05.09.2017

      When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person that walked in. That is what the storm is all about. May you be completely healed after the storm Dream Girl.




      18
      • Dream Girl
        05.09.2017

        Thank you, I will be strong.




        3
    • Githinji Mwaniki
      05.09.2017

      All shall be well. Bloom away!!! More love to the little daughter..




      2
      • Dream Girl
        05.09.2017

        It will be,thank you




        2
    • Kwambs
      05.09.2017

      Hugs. It shall be well with you.




      1
      • Dream Girl
        05.09.2017

        Thank you Kwambs.




        1
    • DK
      05.09.2017

      I am just paying bills for now. No hiding knives, no violence and I haven’t been called names yet,but deep down I have this fear that we’ll get there also. I always pray for the strength to make the first move. Just the first move.




      8
      • Damaris Roulette
        05.09.2017

        My heart breaks to hear this. But I’m glad your eyes are open. May the good Lord give you strength to put yourself first.




        1
    • Carol
      05.09.2017

      More power to you Dream girl…See your name alone should resonate the fact that you are the people’s dream girl and everyone should be lucky to have you spare a second with them…Keep winning in everything that you do.Hugs for every time that your mind try to tell you otherwise.




      4
      • Dream Girl
        06.09.2017

        Thank you Carol!love your words!!




        0
    • Catherine Nyambura
      06.09.2017

      Rooting for you. You’ll make it. One day at a time.




      0
    • Size 10
      13.09.2017

      Dream Girl, you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. People don’t throw stones at trees that bear no fruit….. The sun will shine again.




      1
  • Ryanair
    05.09.2017

    Awesome, hats off for Dr. Njeri




    0
  • Marmanet
    05.09.2017

    I agree with her so many women putting up a front (CIA)
    Instead of saying it as it is
    Is a no for domestic violence and abuse




    1
  • Kerubo
    05.09.2017

    Kudos to Dr Njeri.




    0
  • Charles Kagana
    05.09.2017

    At times, in these moving stories of heart, I do wish we could also get the view from the ‘villain’s’ perspective. In this town, nothing is ever as it seems at face value.




    10
    • Carol
      05.09.2017

      Most abusers are weaklings who want to bully women in their lives to feel important…That’s a proven theory Charles. So can you imagine if they marry a high achieving woman, they will tell the world that bibi ni kichwa ngumu na hamueshimu. So no point of his side of the story#rolls eyes and walks away




      9
    • GAKII
      05.09.2017

      Aaah Charles Kagana, as… enlightening as always!




      3
  • Biegon
    05.09.2017

    Growing up within an abusive marriage makes one change. Njeri’s story is one of triumph. She won. She got up despite the conditions and moved forward.
    Yes, there is alot of sugarcoating in almost all marriages, but if you are in an abusive one just leave. Don’t use children as an excuse of staying, hell, most of them want you to leave the abusive marriage. I know this because I saw my mum beaten up until I was 20.




    4
  • A
    05.09.2017

    But where do you draw the line between protecting the privacy of your marriage and being real with people-not sugar coating?




    0
    • Mushie
      05.09.2017

      Protecting the privacy of your marriage is not telling everyone what is happening.But you need friends/relatives who you trust,to be real with them.You cant keep it in all to yourself,it will hurt you more in the end.




      3
  • JudePaul
    05.09.2017

    You’ve got to learn to get up from the table when love’s no longer being served.

    I will tell what freedom is to me: No fear.

    –Nina Simone




    15
  • Cwarui
    05.09.2017

    You did right by you and the kids .you are one hell of a strong woman and ,some matches were never made in heaven




    1
  • Louis Wamukoya
    05.09.2017

    Brave lady. Her strength will be replicated on the kids. Stay blessed Dr. Njeri.
    Nice read.




    0
  • Maria
    05.09.2017

    I wish Njeri all the best in future and thank her for being brave enough to share her story.




    0
  • Shiko
    05.09.2017

    ” I remember walking around the house hiding anything sharp that he can use to stab me with; forks, knives, scissors and so on and then I remember going to bed thinking; hang on, what kind of life is this where I’m hiding sharp things that he can use to harm me with?”
    Is it not just amazing how women put up with so many things hoping one day things will take a better shape?. Njeri is a brave and strong lady to have realized she deserved better and left the abusive and toxic marriage.

    “I feel shameful to be honest, that amidst this story of doom and darkness I can still muster an appetite for chicken wings”. Biko……..clearly, your love for chicken wings is discernible and your loyalty to them is intriguing.




    0
  • Norah Ndonga
    05.09.2017

    Very profound.Many women enabling abuse and putting on brave faces while expecting to raise strong daughters is a tragedy.I found myself in this piece and I am 40 too.Thank you Njeri and Biko.




    1
  • Angie
    05.09.2017

    I especially like this “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.”

    People don’t want to talk about their problems any more. They feel it’s letting out too much of their relationship, even to their closest of friends. People are hurting, just to impress the public eye.




    2
  • Ayeee
    05.09.2017

    This brought back memories of my childhood. It’s true, children tend to side with their father if the mother stays in an abusive marriage. My siblings “value” my dad, and his opinions, more than my mum and her opinions. I don’t. My siblings were abroad when the abuse was happening. I saw the disrespect first hand. My mum was getting flak for being more successful than my dad. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my dad for dulling my mum’s shine.




    7
  • the great one
    05.09.2017

    Biko should warn us not to read sorrowful stories in public. I read this in a hotel only for my eyes to water when the waiter is coming for the bill. That part when Njeri is peeling off broke me. I celebrate when she live again. I am learning that honesty is a great healer. Keep writing bro. We love it.




    0
  • Wamuyu
    05.09.2017

    Biko, you are now no longer a writer. You are also a priest! People trust you with their pain, secrets and dreams.




    21
    • Catherine Nyambura
      06.09.2017

      So true.




      0
  • Esther
    05.09.2017

    “The thing with abusive men is that they are extremely charming, people on the outside think they are angels”. Great read.




    2
  • marie becca
    05.09.2017

    This is the only safe spot when names don’t betray us, it brings a sense of belonging away from all the hate out there. Si we give biko this seat, chama cha ‘the watus’.
    A good read as always




    11
    • Bwabi
      05.09.2017

      I really wanted to say that




      1
  • Ombok Osuga
    05.09.2017

    I just love the 40’s series, I think I’m learning much from the stories especially marriage life. Thank you Biko for doing this.




    4
  • Niwamanya Shallon
    05.09.2017

    Biko, you should write a full story about the Entim Sidai!! i loved reading about your experience there. i salute the doctor for being strong enough to fight off her oppressor. her children will be better people because of decision she took




    0
  • davydson
    05.09.2017

    I can feel for that woman being a man going through abuse. I think men also suffer abuse and is even harder for them because society doesn’t expect that and fellow men make it worse by telling you kuwa mwanamume, fukuza hio mtu uoe mwingine” not understanding that many have invested emotionally in the marriage and children and is not as simple as they think




    7
  • Lydia
    05.09.2017

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.” YES.




    1
  • Boyanir
    05.09.2017

    ..and her father felt her to the point of shedding tears. I miss my dear Dad, is all I will say




    2
  • Waithira
    05.09.2017

    “No fish has to suffer that level of neglect”. It breaks my heart. A good one to me this is a metaphor, no woman has to suffer that level of neglect. I wish i had the guts to tell my storry.




    6
  • Abdullah omar
    05.09.2017

    I know of their bums being red.next time I am near a monkey I will peep to see if their testicles are blue!was it Tolstoy who talked of happy families being alike et al?




    1
    • Clement Ndege
      05.09.2017

      So,you have seen a monkey with a red bum, Abdullah? Great. Just great. Please google the picture of a real monkey. What you saw was a baboon




      1
      • EggLayer
        08.09.2017

        Clemo, you are always the same monkey. Tukutane Football analysts.




        0
  • rakel
    05.09.2017

    Ask why ladies call men dogs but still talk high in presence of their friends.
    marriages are no jokes- seek 1st his kingdom the rest will come!
    mmh




    1
  • martin
    05.09.2017

    I’m thinking, don’t cry, please don’t cry, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would probably have to leave the table and my lovely chicken wings and go look for the monkey. Because monkeys don’t cry.
    you had me laughing out loud in public and people wondering!




    0
  • B.K.Tarpei
    05.09.2017

    Whoooah !
    Great lesson indeed , I am glad daktari was able to pick herself once again ,
    Flowers for sure are of divine meaning .
    Thanks Biko .




    0
  • Achaloi
    05.09.2017

    Bravo to Dr. Njeri. what a coincidence that i am reading this from the village where i have come to spill the beans for the first time in 10 years to my parents. As professionals we have a way of keeping a clean conscience on the outside while we die each day on the inside. Its not an easy road walking away after many years..but the joy that comes with it is much better,




    4
  • Esenam Allen
    05.09.2017

    It felt like i was reading Trevor’s mum’s abuse all over again (Born A Crime). Emotional abuse tears you apart and sucks life out of you. You are alive, yet you are dead. We all need a good social support system. We need that friend, family or therapist to guide us back to sanity and finally we pick ourselves to a place of serenity. There’s hope.




    3
  • Wambui Kung'u
    05.09.2017

    Courage comes from a place of strength, that was an emotional read Biko.Thank you




    0
  • G.Oriwo
    05.09.2017

    I see something bright blue. On closer inspection I realise- to my amusement – that it’s a monkey’s testicles.




    0
  • Belinda
    05.09.2017

    Njeri’s story represents so many women in Kenya today . I cried and cried again as i read it . I cried at the part where she had to hide the knives and scissors . You never realise or stop to ask yourself ” What I’m I doing ?” A normal person would never have to hide knives and scissors in their own house. But that is what abuse does to us .
    I particularly appreciate the face that psychological abuse has been brought out so well i this piece . Many people believe that if he has not hit you , then it is not abuse . Psychological /Emotional abuse is just as bad , if not worse than physical abuse . Killing someone’s spirit makes me think of two words :”Living dead” . And I can so identify




    7
    • Esenam Allen
      05.09.2017

      I went out with my girlfriends and we discussed emotional abuse. It is as worst as physical abuse. We all concluded.
      I thought i was expensive till my ex bought his car and started enjoying the ‘luxuries’ of life. I realised all the abuse was not about me, it was about him. He labeled me ‘expensive’ because he did not have a stable income then. I look at him today and i am glad i walked when i did.




      0
  • Bree
    05.09.2017

    Emotional abuse is something I regard so dearly because many people go through it without even knowing they are suffering and they slowly build a complex… Then realize when its too late..

    This right here is a story of courage..




    3
  • ESKAY
    05.09.2017

    I feel for the fish: “No fish has to suffer that level of neglect. It breaks my heart. ” Bur really glad she’s getting her groove back!




    2
  • Mushie
    05.09.2017

    “When you lose interest in the things that give you life, you know there is a big problem.”
    Its only after you love yourself that you can extend that love to others..Great truths right there!




    0
  • Kisenya Jesse
    05.09.2017

    Say NO to marriages of convenience! Marriage is not a PR story….let’s be realistic.




    1
  • GAKII
    05.09.2017

    Damn this sounds familiar. Walking out is the only solution. I hate it when people encourage women to stay in such toxic relationships even for the kids. Mental health is vital.

    “Here’s to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.”




    3
  • Sarah
    05.09.2017

    It’s amazing the strength that women have to leave their difficult marriages…But it’s so sad that you’ll find women in our society still trying to convince their fellow abused women to go back to their loveless marriages all because The Bible says… I say abuse is abuse… Leave that marriage… God will understand… Dr Njeri did well…




    1
  • Low lying fruit
    05.09.2017

    Too much pressure on women to be perfect. There really is no other way as a human being whatever takes away your piece of just wont do. Fight back until you succeed. Happy for her that she had the courage to fight back.
    And I see this thing of lying about relationships a lot everywhere not just in marriages. I wish we would start being more honest to each other and maybe then can we start dissecting this complicated thing which is supposed to be so simple




    1
  • Gabrielle
    05.09.2017

    I have an alarm set every Tuesday for my dose of Biko. Dr. Njeri is one strong lady. Thanks Biko, you never dissapoint!




    0
  • Priscillah Macharia
    05.09.2017

    Awesome read. Blue testicles. ha!
    It’s true that some women enable their husbands. We should learn to stand up for ourselves.

    I’ll definitely try out Entim Sidai Wellness.

    Thanks Biko.




    0
  • Anonymous
    05.09.2017

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.”
    I totally agree with this statement…many married women wear facades to try and save face but when you look behind the scenes it’s all terror! This society is churning out more and more narcissists, and I am not just talking about men but also women, who are destroying each other (as well as ther children) mentally, emotionally and psychologically but unfortunately they don’t want to accept it because mental health is more often than not taken for granted. I mean, who wants to be told that they have a mental problem or better still that they belong in a looney bin? Njeri was in denial about her mental state but eventually she sought help…just imagine if she hadn’t? I applaud her for her strength and courage to remove not only herself but her children from an unhealthy environment otherwise they would have most probably evolved into narcissists like most children of narcs do. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be nipped in the bud sooner rather than later!




    5
  • Susan
    05.09.2017

    The bible likens a man who does not provide for his own household to an infidel. I feel for Dr. Njeri, she is a strong woman just like many women are. For me I am weakling such that to even spare a minute with a violent and abusive infidel….I ken’t!




    1
  • Shih
    05.09.2017

    The whole article has brought some bitter taste to my mouth,it has brought so many bad memories of my dead marriage. Yes, dead because i walked away from the torture. I was the weakest being walking around planet earth but the moment i realized am not moulded from that clay of taking all the pain and bottling it up, I can bravely face even man Mayweather himself. Dare me!!. It’s better to be lonely than unhappy.




    2
  • Thecode
    05.09.2017

    My heart sunk at this point. “… I completely broke down and cried and that’s when I also saw my father cry, for the first time.”

    Who has ever seen their father cry?

    For women in toxic r/ships, take heart.




    2
  • Dickson Kinyua
    05.09.2017

    The sex went out the window, her garden wilted. I had trouble reading that correctly.

    I think people should be honest enough to themselves to admit when things are not working. It takes a strong person to want to stay and make things better, but it also takes a stronger person to realize the battles that are lost long before they’re actually fought. There’s no single place it’s cast in stone that a marriage must work…often, it’s easier to just walk away.




    5
    • Julz
      06.09.2017

      LOL I was teary eyed till I read that sentence. I’m glad someone else noticed it.




      0
  • Mush
    05.09.2017

    Great read. Great lessons. The timely humour nuggets on monkeys, chicken wings and fish made the reading less sad but very poignant. Bravo.




    0
  • Samuel Gitau Muhia
    05.09.2017

    She did the right thing. No one should stay in an unhappy marriage just to remain in married or to make friends, kids and society happy.




    0
  • Ana
    05.09.2017

    It has a happy ending – it is going to be alright you will be fine you will flourish!




    0
  • Zippy
    05.09.2017

    Hair rising!




    0
  • Benson
    05.09.2017

    I think i would rather just leave my marriage than be the source of such pain and hurt. Take home from this, one should find friends that you can talk to, not just women, even us men need venting avenues and a third eye to our situation. Talk to a friend of two hear what their perspective is. Hypothesize the story if you have to.




    3
  • Carol Ohonde
    05.09.2017

    It takes a lot of strength to walk away after all that time especially in the African culture. I’m happy for you Njeri for continuing to live grow and thrive after all the adversity!




    0
  • Almasi
    05.09.2017

    Reminds me of my late mum, so many suffer “for their children” or for “what people would say”. Kudos daktari for finding yourself and leaving.
    I dont believe in suffering, Lovers should be open and let their mates know that they will leave whenever unhappiness becomes an integral apart of the relationship.
    So I helped my mum leave when “talk” did not bear any fruits with my dad !




    2
  • Jemo
    05.09.2017

    First time commenting, really. I’ve always read up on Chocolate man, alias Mr. Jackson (hold the stoning a moment sir). Amazing as always! This one touched me saana though.More power to Daktari Njeri!




    0
  • Grace
    05.09.2017

    Nice read! Njeri you are a strong woman!




    0
  • Lisa
    05.09.2017

    Wooi, I can relate with this Story. Only difference is that I left my abusive marriage when I was 32, two girls in tow. And yes, I am now 42. Nobody has a right to make another unhappy. Strong move Njeri and may God always be your provider; may you never lack for the sake of your children.




    1
  • Karimi
    05.09.2017

    I laughed-hysterically- (at that judgemental monkey) and cried for what Njeri had to go through. And now I smile at her courage to love herself enough to get out of that abuse




    1
  • Merci Jowi
    05.09.2017

    “I also think that married women, professional women, should be more forthright and honest when talking about their marriages. Too much sugar coating is going on – people lying about their marriages for the benefit of other women, women who keep a brave face to save the perfect image of a happy marriage. It’s not sustainable.”……Profound!

    I am glad for the happy ending, Take courage Dr. Njoki.




    0
  • Any Christ
    05.09.2017

    Awesome read…. a good story esp for those intending to marry. Biko mwanaume ni mguu na mkono rough. Pedi n manicures achia wanawake.




    0
  • Lyna
    05.09.2017

    Recently there was a bad confrontation between my dad and one of my sibling’s husband coz of similar issues. Ehh I’m in my mid twenties and I don’t think I will ever get married, I don’t know who can change my mind about this. There are many disappointments in life but I don’t think I can be able to endure abuse, I think I would just wither away.




    0
  • Montague
    05.09.2017

    There are 2 sides to a story.Always. and the marketing of the same. Its all about positioning.




    0
  • lovely
    05.09.2017

    True we should stop sugar coating our marriages .if he ain ‘t performing in a certain area and we have tried dialogue.try opening it up to someone who is a friend.Advice from a 3rd party really helps a mile stone and can save alot




    0
  • Raphael
    05.09.2017

    Powerful.Thanks for the courage to leave Dr Njeri.Biko and your food sawa tu.
    On a serious note I want to tell all the ladies in abusive marriages,dont be afraid walk.You will blossom.That stupid line ati oooh how will my kids grow without a dad …forget.Children raised by a happy single mum will always be better than those brought up in abusive marriages.




    4
  • Osiako
    05.09.2017

    This is a good read. Biko I feel like I was left in suspense.

    Abusive marriages affect the children especially the girls, It leaves them in a catch 22 especially if your mum endured the abuse, sometimes you try to hold on even when clearly you know you should move on.
    Dr. Njeri is proof that one can move out and discover themselves again.




    1
  • Genson
    05.09.2017

    Families are very important to men. The fact that that man destroyed his is just sad and I bet he is somewhere feeling sorry for himself for washing it all down the drain. Njeri is strong for saving that family from total ruin.




    0
  • anonymous
    05.09.2017

    Been there though not married,he bites you plays blames you,then you start consoling him while you are bleeding




    1
  • Mercy Rurengoh
    05.09.2017

    Yes, same here was hoping for a stronger ending.




    0
  • Bonareri O.
    05.09.2017

    ‘No woman falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves’
    It’s sad, but it’s true.
    Women should rise above pleasing society.
    And more so, we should be our sisters’ keepers.
    I’m glad Njeri’s story ends in triumph.




    1
  • moraa
    05.09.2017

    This really touched me. Definitely one of the best!




    1
  • Carol
    05.09.2017

    Most abusers are weaklings who want to bully women in their lives to feel important…That’s a proven theory Charles. So can you imagine if they marry a high achieving woman, they will tell the world that bibi ni kichwa ngumu na hamueshimu. So no point of his side of the story#rolls eyes and walks away




    0
  • Mark
    05.09.2017

    As always, it’s Tuesday and I want to cry.
    But men aren’t supposed to cry, are they? We’re not supposed to have tear glands (or nipples). For what purpose?
    Powerful story, Biko.

    https://thispostisabout.wordpress.com




    2
  • Clement Ndege
    05.09.2017

    Good read Biko.




    0
  • Wa Mso
    05.09.2017

    Great read Biko.
    It’s heart-wrenching to see someone you love in an abusive marriage…and no one should be in one.
    All the best Daktari…the flower is up and blooming again.




    0
  • Job
    05.09.2017

    This is great, a real reflection of what most guyz are going through! taught me alot of stuff.




    0
    • Innocent Mwanzia -Nairobi
      05.09.2017

      “A Girl meets boy in uni. Girl likes…” made me remember Game of Thrones character -Arya Stak.
      What cannot kill us makes us stronger. Am glad she took that bold move.




      2
  • Secondchances
    05.09.2017

    Same story for me. 18 years in marriage. I was a charge nurse…he a waiter and career student. Its been nearly 3 years since I left (with my daughter). He had led everyone(my parents included) think that i was the problem. My little sister was the only one who believed me and even gave me money for the move. He had used all ‘our’ money. It wasnt till much later after i moved that they all saw thru him.
    Its been so peaceful. Wish I had left earlier. My daughter still thinks him superman…and apparently, my knight had been in plain sight….waiting patiently..lol




    4
  • Kosh
    05.09.2017

    *hugs*




    0
  • Njeri
    05.09.2017

    My story except that we were not married. Walked away after 7 yrs of physical and emotional abuse. My self esteem was below zero. I vowed that no man would ever do that to me again. 12 yrs later, I am in a very happy place. I know my self worth and anybody who doesn’t respect that does not deserve me. I love me some me!




    3
  • Boots
    05.09.2017

    my sister is going through the same. every time i confront her, its either she has invested too much in the guy, how can she start over with kids, the changes, the questions, and its been 7 years and she still thinks he can change. i have had to keep my distance because it pains me to see with blue eyes and a running nose each time. each time I threaten to report the guy she defends him citing I know nothing about marriage and if our mother took it…she too can stay for her kids…..Bikos story has given me hope that one of these days my prayer will be answered.




    8
  • Sev
    05.09.2017

    Emotional abusive is the worst.Unseen wounds that one can’t tell about.Have walked that path before and its extremely painful.Loosing oneself completely but once you make up your mind no turning back!Dr.Njeri kudos and to better things ahead.Be Blessed!




    2
  • Ciiku
    05.09.2017

    Great read…this story brought tears to my eyes !!!




    0
  • Shighadi
    05.09.2017

    Very inspiring… Everyone should feel safe and loved in their world.




    0
  • Beautiful mind
    06.09.2017

    I never comment but you touched a subject so close to my heart. I had a friend in my campus days that was physically assaulted by her boyfriend but she never left despite our repeated plea for her to get herself out of this shackles. I found out degrading considering she was the smartest in her class. It’s been five years down the line and I have a feeling I understand her better now than I did then. I am so proud of the doctor for leaving and putting back the pieces of her life together. I hope my friend will leave as she did before its too late




    0
  • Elvira
    06.09.2017

    Takes a strong realization to leave such arrangements. Inspiring read.




    0
  • Bella
    06.09.2017

    I wish I knew what was going on in her ex-husband’s mind. Did he see himself as the wronged party? Did he justify his abuse? I guess we will never know.

    It was an insightful read. As for the emphasis that she was a professional, it definitely makes it easier for her to leave but most people don’t want to see their marriage fail, especially if they have children.

    PS: I’m sure that Karen spa will get an upsurge of visitors!




    1
  • Lucy
    06.09.2017

    @Njeri, Namaste. @ Biko, thank you for telling the story, “Silence is not spoken here”




    1
  • Nzilani
    06.09.2017

    It has been five years since her son stopped asking her, “Mom, why do you keep crying?” – I totally relate with this. For me its been 13 years since my son stopped asking me “Mom, why are you always so sad?”. Let’s support women (and men) to leave toxic relationships. It is not the abundant life that Jesus promised we would have.

    Good one Biko. Njeri is now blooming.




    3
  • Miriam Mwangi
    06.09.2017

    “She started pushing back. “He was used to my cowering, so my refusal to do things took him aback. Saying, ‘no, I won’t take another loan’ wasn’t something he was used to. Neither was I. The happy person he met a long time ago was coming back and I don’t think he knew how to deal with that, so he started pushing too. He would talk at me before the watchmen and my kids and the nanny and even in public. He was trying to pull me down to the place he liked me, a place of weakness, but this time I was fighting back. ”

    I love this part of the story. I think in whatever situation one is in, one has a choice of saying NO to anything that is harmful. No matter the outcome.




    1
  • Feminist
    06.09.2017

    Society needs to stop defining a woman’s success by the ability to be a good wife and mother.it makes many women get into the wrong kind of rships just to make society happy.yay am married.yay am a mother which should not be the case.too much pressure.
    I have a friend who perpetually dates abusive men.man after man.all of them beat her or emotionally abuse her but its mostly physical. she told me her dad used to beat the mum and it was no big deal.this was in shagz circa 1980 where disciplining the wife was “normal”.the best thing a woman can do is leave an abusive man because the cycle most times is repeated by the daughters.if you are in abusive rship there is also an underlying self esteem issue that needs to be repaired so that you know you are worth it and deserve better owise you will keep attracting ahole after ahole.




    0
  • lizzy
    06.09.2017

    Bikozulu kudos for capturing Njeri ‘ s story so eloquently. It’s unfortunate that Njeri ‘ s scenario resonates with very many Kenyan women.Having to deal with lazy,selfish,unambitious with major self esteem issues hence resort to putting you down and resenting you.As clearly seen in Njeri ‘ s case ,instead of having a partner who cheers you on in yr success ,he gets jealous and spiteful.
    Clearly there’s a problem with how some men in our generation were raised.What happened to the providers,teachers and nurturing men our fathers were?Bike this topic worth noting 🙂




    0
  • Ranji
    06.09.2017

    Ooooh wow!!What a read!Thank you for sharing!Cheers to all the strong people out there who inspire us through their amazing journeys in life!To victims who become victors!!!

    That and the blue-balled monkey!!!That picture is now embedded in my mind.Sigh.




    0
  • Kish
    06.09.2017

    made me tear ;(
    congratulations to you njeri,
    if God allowed you to go through it, He’ll get you through it.




    0
  • Malaika
    06.09.2017

    Only a word-god can move you with words from sad to laughter to grief to hope to joy all in one well worded, deep and inspiring story. Even in a story so sad(initially) you had to fix in the blue balls!

    Woman love thyself. Always




    0
  • Beatrice Wangare
    06.09.2017

    That’s malignant narcissism. A person aggradises himself by making you feel small, unworthy and pathetic. To the outside world, he portrays an image of a saint but in the confines of privacy, he uses comments that hits just right into the soul and rips off your confidence, your belief systems, your values and most importantly, your self-concept…..who you know you are.

    The result of such prolonged abuse, you start walking on egg shell, you doubt everything and everyone,you become emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, you lose the will to live…….that’s when you become suicidal.

    Funny enough, that’s exactly what the nacissist wanted in the first place. To drive you six feet under but not with his hands…..he feels grand…like something like a god with the mere thought that he can bring down such a powerful, professional, beautiful, talented woman to such a state.

    Believe me, women have died and will continue to die in the hands of these soul vampires unless we realize that nacissist do exist and operate amongst us. They are driven by pathological envy and the inner turmoil within them can only be filled with the destruction that they live behind them as they move from one victim to the next.

    Am so proud of you N jeri for realizing that you had to fight for your life and the future of your kids. Am proud of your family for stepping in and holding you cos very few ever get such important support. Lastly, the best decision you made was to turn to God for help.

    I was there, I know how it feels to pick broken pieces of your life….but funny enough, I look back and draw lessons as to the ways in which I enabled the nacissist to do and to get away with so much evil. It was my hidden inner wounds, self limiting beliefs, weaknesses e.t.c that empowered the nacissist to use them against me in order to break me.

    Now that we are on the journey of healing and regaining our lives, let’s talk and share about this stuff, hopefully, we will be able to reach out to as many victims of abuse and assist them to become survivors and victors.

    Best regards




    2
    • Emma
      06.09.2017

      Hi Beatrice, the most relatable comment I have read today. I can identify with all the qualities you have laid out of the abuser to the T. Please if you do not mind kindly send me your contacts on emmaochieng3@gmail.com.




      0
  • kiarie
    06.09.2017

    Nice Read. Blue testicles hehehe….




    0
  • Naisola
    06.09.2017

    Wawawawa I had to hide somewhere and cry my all. Children rejection yes ooooh they don’t understand. This is my story am now happy




    1
  • Lulu
    06.09.2017

    This is such a moving story. And to imagine how many women go through this, in brave silence, is heart breaking. I shed a tear where she said that she saw her dad cry, for the first time. You are brave Njeri. And yes, your daughters, sons, nephews, nieces and everyone else who would look up to you need you to be the true reflection of what you would like them to become. So that they never have to say that they saw you go through it so they can. Speaks to me very much. And to many other people. Keep shining Njeri!!!




    0
  • Betty
    06.09.2017

    Sounds familiar. It takes a nerve to move out and when you do…. It dawns on you how much of a beating you allowed upon yourself for no good reason.

    Happiness is key




    0
  • lilian mmbwanga
    06.09.2017

    This one caught at apersonal level i couldnt even read to the end and tears were flowing down it brought a vivid memory of my father beating my mum and leaving her temporarily insensible she almost died ,she woke with a broken leg and she stayed in that marriage, untill one day she woke up and decided to leave and that was the happiest day of my life.




    0
  • Liza
    06.09.2017

    This is my story. My family has cried, called for meetings and it is only now that i realise the shadow in the mirror looking back at me is literally me!
    I am changing my script one step at a time.




    2
  • dennis
    06.09.2017

    “Son, please don’t ever grow up with the manners of humans. It will break my heart.”…………..touching




    0
  • Charity
    06.09.2017

    Biko when you start a mid-thirties series, i will tell you my story…and believe me you will not need to edit a lot except names, profession, extent of abuse and number of children….
    Njeri, you inspire me…we need to help professional women who cannot speak up about abuse……




    2
  • Kezie
    06.09.2017

    Njeri your story is soeaks so loud I cried.




    0
  • Kezie
    06.09.2017

    Your story spoke so loudly to me, I cried.




    0
  • Kelly
    06.09.2017

    keeping in a bad marriage for public likes is like swallowing poison while hiding under the bed and you expect since no one has seen, u wont die.

    take a look at my poem

    https://kellytaremwa.wordpress.com/2017/09/06/dont-make-me-a-woman-again/




    0
  • Nikiwe
    06.09.2017

    I grew up in an abusive family.my dad was abusive to my mum and mum was an independent professional woman but enabled my dad to have his way.all of us kids grew up and reacted differently to the trauma. One of us is married to an abusive husband.the other resents the mum for allowing us and herself the abuse.another resents men and is a single mum and very independent. Such is life.sad life




    1
  • nayma
    06.09.2017

    This lady has the courage I am seeking… to start again and be the strength that I teach my child to have, yet I don’t.




    0
  • Zethu
    06.09.2017

    a good read indeed Sir




    0
  • Chemu
    06.09.2017

    Sad indeed.I have learned that life is absolutely about you when you are living it.




    0
  • Kalevera
    06.09.2017

    Okay . Too much bad news around marriage this sad Wednesday, after reading Charles Chanchori then this? Now do I even want to get married …… Then wake tomorrow morning and listen to one of Maina Kageni’s women …




    0
  • Ndewokasi
    07.09.2017

    Good read Biko. Nipelekee salamu za pole kwa Daktari. I hope she’s keeping her head high everyday.




    0
  • Dee
    07.09.2017

    Biko, great read as always. I wanted to put in a request. Could we a story of the other side of the coin? A man who is currently in this state of mind in their relationship or one who came out of it. I am curious to know what goes on in their minds when they come home to just abuse somebody. How did they move slowly into it, were they born with it, was it just their environment or was it just their own failures. I want to know because the fish rots from the head you know, men are the heads of homes. They have daughters who they value, sisters they can’t allow to be treated as so and mothers they would never watch go through this., and yet they are the beasts to someone’s daughter, someone’s sister.
    If we are to look at it holistically, the society will suffer if we have ladies like Njeri all over who struggle and suffer because their full potential was interfered with, men who will continue with the same habits and some will kill, and children who will learn what dad did and either pick the behaviour or get scarred badly that it will influence their relationships in a negative way. The fish rots from the head. Could we have the head of a fish give their story? A raw and true that can speak volumes. And then perhaps a woman version of this side of the coin.




    4
    • Wangari Muriithi
      12.09.2017

      I too would like to know what makes a man strike a woman and follow it up with kicks even when she is down.
      No judgement (uwongo tupu). If anonymity is what is needed to explain these acts of savagery, then so be it.

      Biko please give one of these men sporting a white camisole, a chance to tell their side. Nataka kuelewa, scratch that, I don’t think I would understand. More like satisfy my curiosity.

      Daktari, breathe in, breathe out. God has great plans for you.




      0
  • Manyala
    07.09.2017

    Good story as always but still dog bite man.

    I would really like to hear about a man living in a toxic marriage and what options he has, that would be the real man bite dog story. Many men are in toxic marriages but unlike women, if they leave they have to leave the kids behind especially if the children are of a certain age, and this is legally binding. So the thought of leaving your child behind in a toxic environment make the men stay. I’d love to get an insight on such a circumstance.




    1
  • Francie Carsen
    07.09.2017

    All the ladies out there should know it is okay to fight for the marriage.You need to know when to stop foghting,and that’s okay too.The good Doctor has just confirmed that.




    0
  • petty
    07.09.2017

    Nice read as usual, Thank you Njeri for sharing, many women out there go through a lot in the name of covering up for their marriage n some even end up being harmed in the name of “sustaining the marriage” . . . . . . Let none of us find ourselves in such kind of marriages n if any does, don’t wait a tad, take off as quick as u can for your own good, it doesn’t matter what people out there will say because in the end its only you and you alone that can feel “where the shoe hurts”




    3
  • Priscillah Njoroge
    07.09.2017

    So what happened to the fish? Did she eat it? packed as take- away? Am i the only one in this feeling?Talk to me




    1
  • EggLayer
    08.09.2017

    Biko thanks for this corner you created for us. In deed, we’ve enjoyed the reads as they come in, learnt a few things about the places to visit, lounges to take our loved ones, we’ve also shared the pain of FGM here…empathized with a victim of an alshabaab siege….and here we are marveling at the strength of a Doctor.
    This piece got me thinking.
    I commend Njeri for the bravado she eventually plucked and decided to walk a way she never knew where it would lead to. Divorce, or rather walking out from an institution you’d given so much towards it is heartbreaking and distraught.

    Trudge on Njeri. Good tidings.




    1
  • khzenne(hz is silent)
    08.09.2017

    Sometimes the way males(they don’t qualify to be called men) treat their women makes me very sad.And the cases are escalating in number.I think the current generation of parents and elders need to step up on guiding the young boys on how to be strong without been violent and abusive.Kudos to the doc for standing up.It takes guts to accept and walk out of something that isn’t working .




    0
  • Njoki
    08.09.2017

    1 month down since I left or rather escaped, a lifetime to go…went through the same thing, with addition to physical violence. I’m happy I left with my son. We are both healing. God has been faithful despite the fact that I left everything and now I have to start my life all over again.




    0
  • ThreeMK
    08.09.2017

    This broke me! I have been a witness, or victim if you may go ahead to say, to an abusive relationship with my parents and it really does do a lot to you 🙁 20years later and I bear the scars and only recently dealing with them, trying to get out of a silent depression… thank you for this!!!!




    0
  • Kui
    08.09.2017

    I disagree with your first two statements Biko. It takes incredible strength to walk out of a toxic relationship. I have a girlfriend in one such marriage; pays the bills, pays school fees for their two kids & for the husband’s masters degree, bought the car that he drives. On top of all this, he cheats on her any chance he gets and tears her down all the time, yet she still stays. This is not strength Biko, it is weakness, when you can’t value yourself enough to walk away from someone determined to destroy you




    0
    • Awino
      08.09.2017

      Kui I think it is easy for those of us who have been fortunate enough never to have been in an abusive relationship to look from the outside and judge those who stay harshly. From this story, it looks like it is a layered issue. By the time things have gotten to your friend’s stage, her self esteem has been eroded to almost nothing. Just be there for her and one day when she is ready to leave, she will know that she has a shoulder to lean on. It’s not easy to stand by and watch this happen to a friend but at the end of the day, she has to hit rock bottom first, only then can she rise up and leave her circumstances.




      0
  • Miss Mukatia
    08.09.2017

    “And those chicken wings are many, but everytime I pick one I feel less guilty. I’m just a terrible person feasting at the feet of tragedy.”

    I was here too. Funny




    0
  • Esthr
    08.09.2017

    This story has touched my heart. it is never too late to leave




    0
  • Karey
    08.09.2017

    I hope as many people as possible read this and especially those in abusive relationships…
    Are there reformed abusers who can share their stories as well? Do these abusive people regret damaging a soul at one point?
    Love should never be an excuse to tolerate disrespect and spiritual decline.




    1
  • shish
    08.09.2017

    The problem is thinking that a great education or high-flying job will help you navigate real life. I know so many rich professionals with terrible personal lives. It’s not the same as classwork. Learn how to just be with people! So what if she is a doctor? Sometimes our social skills are in the bucket…yes i said it. And all that education won’t help you run a good marriage or family for that matter! It mostly helps balance one balance a check-book! I love the Bible…it says seek wisdom! So that’s what i do…see a person’s character beyond their status in life! It’ll save you a great heart-ache!!




    0
  • Sharon
    08.09.2017

    I can totally relate to the mental impact of a stress, until physica symptoms like weight loss are clear, we always think we can handle it. Dealing with depression at the peak of my career made me recognise how much we sometimes don’t recognise the extent situations siphon life out of us. It has been a rough journey that is equally rewarding, I’ll be tapering off the antidressants soon, I hope to bounce back! Read more on: theinsidethief.blogspot.co.ke




    1
  • Sandy
    09.09.2017

    I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years back, and boy was he a charmer to others. It had reached a point where I saw myself as not worthy to be loved and he was doing me a favor by staying with me. Thanks to my close friends and family who showed me that I deserved better even though I was adamant to leave since I wanted to make it work.
    Nice read as always Biko and more power to Dr. Njeri




    0
  • Jay
    11.09.2017

    I can really relate to this, my mum stayed in a broken marriage for over twenty years and this affected my relationship with her since we did not have any, not only until the past few years… This is after I lost my father that she finally became “her” again. Glad Njeri found herself once again. Nice read!




    0
  • Wambui
    11.09.2017

    I was exactly in such a relationship for 15yrs, i left a year ago and am so happy now, i was depressed, overweight, beige eating, had a self car accident due to stress, developed hypothyroidism was on medication. but all that is past tense, i have lost over 16kgs naturally and am no longer on medication. u were not alone Njeri but we made it. Good girl.




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    • Oduge
      12.09.2017

      Congratulations! I am male but have a story too. We can arrange for the three of us to meet




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  • HerLegacy
    12.09.2017

    Nice read!




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  • Jen
    13.09.2017

    “Her garden started wilting; the leaves all fell off and what remained were dry, gnarled stems that seemed to reach out to clutch at some semblance of life”… This statement is in reference to the garden and at the same time in reference to her. #Beautifulsentences




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  • Moraa
    13.09.2017

    This marriage thing though !!!




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  • Terminator
    13.09.2017

    Fantastic read but as you initially put it “dog bite man” kind of story so many people going through the same or even worse




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  • penny m
    14.09.2017

    what of the guy?what if he remarrys and continues the trend with wife 2??what if they get kids and the wife never leaves and they grow through that abuse?what if they are daughters and when they grow up want nothing nothing at all to do with men?by the time they are open minded to marriage and kids wako 35.or they’d rather have kids through artificial. Insemination than get married? Marriages are not easy for men as well…the guy should seek council before remarrying and the church should ‘vet’ and offer council before officiating a marriage.




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  • Sena
    18.09.2017

    I didn’t read it to the end because it starts with the usual line that the woman is an angel married to a devil. If you could take time to find out the other side of the story from her former husband, it could have been a good read.




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