Ravens On Windows

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Do you have 12mins to waste? If you do, then don’t waste it reading this article. It’s a ramble.

“Can I waste your time?” Asks Dr Sally Wanjohi.  Do you remember her? That doctor from AAR who examines prostates (among other things) that I once wrote about here many moons and harvests ago? Well, she left AAR and hung out her shingle; Sante Reva Clinic is the name of her new business. It’s in Lavington. Don’t even pretend you know what that means. Sante, apparently, is French for Health and Reva is Latin for revitalise.

It is 2PM and I am in the office watching Stephen Colbert’s monologue on “The Mooch” after his firing from the White House. I am surprised she has called because it has only been a day since I ate two apples. A doctor calling me so soon after goes against the adage of an apple a day…

I tell her she can waste my time.

She asks what Dusty Rags, the title of the story I wrote before elections, means. I tell her I stole it from Bett (masterclass admin) who, at lunch one day, told me about a new website she is working on – www.craftit.co.ke  where she talks to people making interesting things. She named one of the sections Dusty Rags and I remember sitting there,  so envious of that phrase,  wishing it was mine. And I thought about it the next day and the next and when the time came to write the header of my next blogpost, it just popped up, so I used it. Later Bett sent me a whatsapp with an angry emoji; “The f****?” It read.

“I really like it,” Dr Sally Wanjohi says of the phrase Dusty Rags. “To me, it sounds like a bar. A really nice bar.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Dusty Rags Bar, it has that spiciness to it, no?”

“Yeah. Even in a sentence;  ‘I leave jobo at 5pm today, si we meet  at The Rags.’” I say.

“Exactly!” She squeals. “Yesterday I ran into your friend Paula at The Rags, does she still write for that rag?”

I guffaw. “Nice one. Very crusty on the outside.”

She continues. “ I think we should open a bar like that one day; you and I.”

“It would be a riot.”

“It would serve some killer cocktails. Can I be the one in charge of coming up with the cocktails?”

“Of course.” I say. “Knock yourself out.”

“There would be a drink called Ragged May, which sounds like something with a lot of gin in it. And then there would be one called Needle and Thread, something with a dash of Kahlua.”

“Favourite of the ladies?” I ask.

“Oh yeah, and some men with nice eyelashes,” she chimes, and I laugh. “ There would be another cocktail called Torn To Pieces, which has lots of scotch in it, basically flooded with scotch. People would be torn by it. A drink you have on a day you know you are not going to work the following day. There would also be another cocktail called A Red Moon which you can’t drink too fast because the fable goes that you can’t drink it too fast but nobody knows why, so nobody ever drinks it too fast.”

“What kind of folks would frequent this bar?” I ask.

“Folks like us! The middle-class but with a subtext to it; no Subaru guys,” she laughs. “Because they will overhype the bar and tell everyone online that it’s “going down tonight at The Rags.” And we don’t want that.”

“No we don’t.”

“Because we are low key. We don’t go, “ she puts on a bimbo voice ‘‘Oh My Gaad, we are drinking at The Rags, their fries are to die for.’

“But chicks who talk like that don’t do fries!” I say.

“Oh they do, on cheat days.”

“Aaaah, yes. The music will be something Bebop, yeah?”

“What kind of music is that?” she asks.

“Oh never mind, it’s pretentious. I’ve always wanted to use that genre in conversation just to show that I read far and wide.”

“Ha!” She scoffs.  “The music should be so good that when you are seated at your desk at 3:34pm the next day you will tell your colleagues that last night was a very good night. You will not say, ‘you guy last night was a dope night.’”

“So our clientele will never be caught dead using phrases like ‘you guy” and “dope night.”

“Not in any sequence whatsoever.”

“Gotcha.” I say. Fred walks into the office. He has new brown tan shoes and an expensive looking dress shirt under a fitting blazer. Fred has been been cleaning up really good lately. His shirts are getting more cotton-y and less polyester-y. You should see his socks.

“What’s that you said?” Doctor Sally asks.

“I was saying hi to my partner over here.”

“Who, Fred? How is he?”

“He has new shoes.”

She laughs. “He’s welcome to come to our bar in those shoes.”

“Yes, he is. Fred is a fresh guy.” I say. “Listen, I don’t think we should advertise this bar on Facebook because we are different, we are bohemian, we are minimalist and secure and self maintained.”

“I agree.” She says gravely. “Remember we don’t want everybody there. It’s going to be strictly word of mouth. We want like-minded people who are  also quite diverse. Lawyers, doctors, journalists, architects, surveyors, fashion designers; but not people with chips on their shoulders who will sit there feeling important and going, “Look at us, we are lawyers…”

“Also, nobody who wears yellow pants.”

“Unless you are a chic and you like yellow as a colour and you happen to be rocking those yellow pants so it doesn’t look like you are rocking yellow pants as a fashion statement,” she says. I lean back in my chair and stare out at the southern bypass beyond (I am on the fourth floor). It looks so cold and overcast.

“The bartender should have one of those beards girls want to touch,” I remark. “He’s probably dark and spends some time in the gym curling dumbbells…he can’t speak very good English but who cares, we will tell him not to speak too much and just focus on bartending. He will be the barman who knows everyone’s drink, silently sets it on a coaster and nods at you to enjoy it then moves off to the far corner of the bar to polish a glass or clean a surface or slice a lemon. When girls talk about him they will say he’s so mysterious and has the best fingers ever.”

Daktari chuckles silently.

“Our chicken wings have to be the shit,” she adds.

“What’s a great bar without the best chicken wings?” I say insightfully.

“Do you remember when Slims bar was Slims bar?” She asks.

“Oh yeah. Everybody does.”

“Anytime you mentioned Slims you’d think of their chicken wings,” she says. I can picture her dreamily staring at the wall of her office. “Even when you gave Slims a miss for months, when you went back you always found the same tasty chicken wings you remembered. The Rags will be known for that. It will be our mettle.”

“Mettle” I repeat. “Wonderful word, it sounds like a word with beautiful toes.”

“And one that favours a green nail polish,” she says. “ Did we forget the deejay?”

“I think you should be the one to hire the deejay,” I offer. “Don’t tell me who you will hire. I want it to be a surprise. I trust your melodious intuition.”

“Oh yeah?” She says with a sprinkle of sarcasm. “How kind, Biko.”

“I mean, you used the word mettle. You deserve the honor.”

We laugh.

My phone beeps with an incoming call. I stare at it. It’s some chap called Cosmas Butunyi a PR hawk. Cosmas can wait, I’m sure he doesn’t need a kidney urgently. I have a bar to create here.

“What kind of men do you see sitting on the stools of this bar?” I asked.

She makes a sound; a half thinking, half chewing sound. Like she’s relishing the profile of Rags.

“Men in their late 30s to early 40s majorly,” she says.

“Men who have done their prostate exams.” I offer and she laughs and asks, “By the way, have y0u done yours?”

“I’m not 40 yet.”

“You are as good as 40, do the preliminary blood works.”

“I will.”  I said. “Do we have ample parking at The Rags?”

“Yes, and we have a real awesome watchman. I don’t know his name but I know he’s got a gap in his front lower teeth. He’s the kind of guy that won’t get all gossipy and give you the side-eye if you show up with someone who isn’t your chic…”

“Is he from Webuye?”

She laughs, a sharp but very brief crack of laughter, like a hesitant thunder.   

“He could be. Nobody knows where he’s from. But he’s very very fatherly so once you have parked he will ask you out of the earshot of the ratchet chic, “How is Madam?” and that will make you feel so guilty the whole night you will never bring another mama to The Rags.”

“So this chic will sit there the whole night wondering why you are so distracted.”

“You will say it’s work.” She says.

“It’s always work.”

“Then she will make eye contact with our barman with the beard and sexy fingers.”

“And when you turn to look at the base of her neck, that pool between those two fragile looking nodes of bones, you will see how her pulse has quickened at looking at our barman.”

“But you can’t fire the bar man,” she points out.

“No. He can have her. The Rags is bigger than any man or woman.”

Fred packs his laptop, probably off to impress a client with his new shoes. He flashes me a thumbs up and he is gone, his head bobbing down the winding steel staircase.

“What’s the colour of the wall?” I ask. “Do you have a colour in mind?”

She sighs as if she now has to come up with the colour of the wall in addition to hiring the deejay. I feel slightly sorry for her because I am not pulling my weight in this partnership.

“One thing I know is that there will be a lot of wood paneling in The Rag,” she says.

“I like wood.”

“I love wood but not the pretentious wood,” she is quick to set the record straight. “ It’s not that kind of wood that goes ‘oh I’m gorgeous wood, I’m mahogany.”

“Mahogany is stupid wood.” I say.

“Our wood would look like it came from some furniture before it ended up in our bar. It’s an experienced wood because it had been one or even two things before it landed on our bar. It’s wood with background, wood with range. And it has a ton of stories to tell as a result. It understands what it is to be classy and you can tell it’s not trying too hard to be classy.”

“I hate wood that is always trying to be what it isn’t,” I remark, “like the kind of wood that tries to look aged when we all know it’s still soft in the middle.”

“Yes. Take new wood for example,” she continues, “New wood is always going ‘I’m wood! I’m wood! I’m wood! See me!’ It’s excited that it’s wood not knowing that there have been many woods before; better wood, wood that had scope. Old wood is like old money, it just gets respected without having to shout from our beams and walls. Old wood had an interesting childhood, it’s wood like us. We played outside in the rain.”

I laugh, impressed and quite envious of that monologue.

“What’s the colour of the walls, Biko?” She asks. “What colour do you see The Rag sporting.”

“What I know is that it should not be painted in any colour that a  zebra has.” I say. “Not that I have anything against zebra, on the contrary, I think zebra have such great asses…have you seen a zebra’s ass, doc?”

“No, I’m afraid I haven’t been taken by that curiosity,” she chuckles.

“What I know about the colour of The Rags is that it should not take away from the mystique of the barman’s beard or the legend of our cocktails. Oh, and whatever colour we settle on, we can’t use pretentious names like fuchsia.”

“Yeah yeah, we aren’t those guys,”  she says. “Can I talk about the ladies room, for a minute?”

“Sure, even two minutes given that I will never see it,” I mutter.

“It’s really nice, I love good bathrooms that are spacious and clean and have great scents that always change. As in you never know what scent you will find when you visit it. Each time you go you find a different scent.”

“Can we have the scents from gerbera flowers on Fridays?” I ask hopefully.

“Yes, I’m on board.” She concedes. “The bathrooms will also have beautiful expensive mirrors that you will find in fine dining restaurants.”

“Won’t people steal them?” I ask in a panic.

“No,” she assures me, “remember the profile of the people coming to The Rags. These are people who have left the petty lifting behind them. They stole coasters and salt shakers in their USIU, UoN,med school days; it’s over and done. No more stealing.”

“No more stealing.”

“The Rags will be the place for hook- ups also. A bar you can actually meet nice people. Nice people, Biko. Do you know how hard it is to actually meet nice people in this city?”

“No, I’m not currently looking to meet anyone nice.”

“It’s hard. The Rags is where nice people go. Not ratchet women and random guys who suddenly want to spend a whole night in the bathroom because the bill came. Nice people who believe in something, who know what a carbon footprint is.” She stops for a bit.  “We will need a soft launch.”

“Let me tell you a quick story,” I say. “Some organiser called me and said, ‘we will be laoonching this product on Friday’ and I asked, ‘what?’ And she repeated, laoonching. Haha. People have  such diverse struggles, some people are eking life on a dollar a day while others struggle to pronounce launch.”

“Those people are not allowed in The Rags.” She said.

“We will make the laoonch unique. We will send out 135 pigeons with messages strapped on their feet…”

“Why don’t we do ravens instead? We have to do this old school.”

I want to say ravens are dark, shiny and spooky but I am trying to be manly. So I say ravens are perfect. We will send out 135 ravens with messages strapped to their feet, and they will land on window sills of offices in Upper-hill and Westlands, in CBD and on the balconies of men and women who work at home creating things with their beautiful minds and hands, bearing invites to the 135 people selected to be a part of the Rag.

“So then shall I have my people call your people and lock this down?” she asks.

“You do that.” I say.

“Dusty Rags,” she says.

“Dusty Rags,” I say.

Then she hangs up, off to save the world from gout, UTIs and things that are scared of antibiotics.

 ***

Listen, tell us what you want in this bar; a  specific cocktails, the size of the windows, seat colours, a particular waitress/ waiter, a specific drink, size of the paintings on the wall, a particular view, ….we can even plant a tree at the front if you want.

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196 Comments
  1. Its about time Biko, these elections brought dry spell here too. Thanks a lot. This is a sign that things are returning to normal pace again.

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  2. What a nice way to waste 12 Minutes
    I see am not alone in this.
    I bought the idea of Dusty Rags Bar..

    And what did the subaru guys did?

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  3. Now you got me thinking about The Rags with some pathetic level of relish. I would definitely be down to a lounge conversation with Bepop playing from tiny Bose speakers overhead. Although you might have to sell your kidney to afford a Bose system. And maybe add the rule that no sitting alone in a both supposed to carry two or four people. Go sit on a stool or something. Maybe I will drag Bumble Bee to the bar sometime 🙂
    Good read as always.

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    1. Wesh, hakuna cha maybee hapa. I got such a buzz already. You and Bumble Bee will definately have a Beeutiful day. Just bee on your best.

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      1. Ahem ☺.
        Well, can I just admit how heavily I blushed when I read that

        A good dj biko who plays smooth music. You know, the kind that Pete and I can salsa dance to ☺. Smooth enough for us to have a decent conversation but loud enough that the conversation is just between us☺.

        On the wall with a darker shade, a shade that is soaked up, a mate colour maybe, art pieces that I am sure your crafty friend would help you pick up. An unrecognisable kinda art that will have everyone soaked in it and we shall pretend we get it, or completely understand it. Then you guys can call it even on you ” stealing” the dusty rags phrase☺

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  4. A sculpture of a Zebras ass at the entrance completely in zebra colors is what i want to see if the raven lands on my window.

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  5. I want your friends Biko, they are as crazy and creative as you and they are awesome. Do that preliminary blood work, will you.

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  6. Have you checked out a zebra’s ass? Biko you are hilarious! Aso you go for dusty rags I still remind you of the book Club you once began at yaya….what befell it?

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  7. So, Dusty Rags, for the waitresses and waiters, Could you possible have them dancing as they approach the table to serve? You know, swaying to Behop. Also could the waiters have cute legs, you know cute manly legs. PS. Guys who skip leg day please to the left☺ you are not welcome here.
    The paintings should be African, especially get that painting showing an African woman’s glorious body, you know those paintings where the African woman is portrayed as full and cushy and welcoming.
    Seat colours could be a mix between Oxblood and Burgundy…Let’s have a couch in the ladies room. The beautiful ladies that will frequent this joint don’t have to queue while standing, they can sit on the comfy couch and powder their noses.

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    1. Melanin, you were gelling into the Rags membership (‘crowd’ is for the subaru folks!) up until the moment you said oxblood and burgundy…

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    2. I like the sound of Burgundy couches. But can the paintings instead be abstract paintings. Not those ones with many colors,but like 3 soft colors in the paintings. Can the walls be blue-grey? Would be excellent with a hint of wood here and there. Also would mean better lighting in pictures!

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  8. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I pictured the bar. The orange-red colour on the wall behind the bartender, where drinks are displayed. The wooden walls that aren’t perfectly smooth. The lights that are neither too dim or too bright.
    Thank you. This was time well wasted.

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  9. Add a cocktail with a name like ‘Crisp Broom’ for those who love dry precise tastes for whisky. It fits for a bar with a name like ‘Dusty Rags’.

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  10. First of all I would not fit into the description of patrons that would visit this bar. But it already feels like one of those places people would talk about on their whatsapp groups and say stuff like “The mirrors are to die for.”

    Anyway; you should have a section on the menu for people that cannot make up their minds on what drink to have. Maybe call it “Left to fate”. I think I can come up with a better name. Where they’d talk to a wait staff about anything and everything while the wait staff read their personalities. At the end of the conversation the wait staff will leave; give the bartender a quick description and then like a light bulb went on in his head he would whip up a drink. Just like that. And the guy would love it. Would never say it though. They’d just always keep coming back. Never deciding what they want to drink because they’re in it for the conversation.

    Ragged edge?

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  11. Great read Biko. That’s a bar I would love. Also, you forgot to mention that the bouncer; he should look more like a butler than a war veteran.

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  12. I hope a Raven arrives at my window soon in my house when I am bust creating things. I am not a bar type but a picture of the Rags in my mind makes me want to go and hopefully see the mysterious barman.

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  13. Great read. Biko, why on earth would you stare at a Zebra’s ass? Now that we are talking about bars, Zebras are just horses behind bars. Yes??? *Pun intended*

    Ehhhh People who pronounce God as ‘gaaaad’ normally think that they have made it in life. Gaaaad has been so good to me.

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  14. Oh what a doctor! At some point I felt they were not talking about the bar anymore. I want to meet the barman and touch his beard!

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  15. Wouldn’t it be epic to have no phones allowed at Dusty Rags?? Because the patrons are such nice people anyway, we’ll just want to talk to each other about carbon footprints and whatnot… I’ll be waiting for my Raven 😉

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  16. Most times my mind wanders like so as well.
    I’m still waiting for the raven to land on my window sill. Do African ravens fly abroad? Or do they stay local? Do the winds even come this way…. is Trump really serious about there being no global warming? The French folks ought to take him to class. Michael Moore has the curriculum. Hold up, maybe we need to stick to pigeons. The whole faithful thing and being associated with love blah blah blah. Thank God I don’t have a prostate. Where are we again? Aaaaaaah, Dusty Rags. I will have a Torn To Pieces. While I sit on the Jagged Edge of the bar. Cheers!

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  17. I am a Subaru guy (there is nothing wrong about having a Subaru) and not yet in my late 30s…,but still, wouldn’t mind trying out Dusty Rag. Good read, Biko and Daktari.

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  18. Any opportunity for me to sell my Samosas, Smokies and boiled eggs at The Dusty Rag’s main entrance? LOL.

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  19. Now that i cant stand the noisy bars and discos anymore the rags would just be perfect for me as I approach 40..
    Im already sitting on the counter looking at he barman with beautiful beards serving others..
    Good read biko

  20. Every time am reading this post, My favorite animation comes in mind. Rango!!! There are bars there that fit to be called dusty rags.

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  21. 11am drinks…exceptions can be made for Dusty rugs.Hope it will see the light of day.
    I want a corner where I can watch and listen and not be seen, some place I can stare into a shark tank and wonder what it would be like tolive under the sea.Or tune my gaze into a mural of a sunset and wonder what time it was and how long I had sat there…someplace like home without the baggage, titles, responsibilities, some corner of my own

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  22. Can you serve tea in that bar? Like have a separate space for us teetotalers? Please.. I mean, we want to also hang out at The Rags.. The seats could be brown and black t complement the wood. I loved btw, how you talked about the wood haha. It was my highlight! Great to have you back Biko! Lovely read <3 #LoveAndLight

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  23. The level of creativity brought out in this piece reminds me of that figurative post you did back in 2011, ‘The Bar’, where you bashed your readers for feeling entitled and threatening how stories were told. That was creative.

    ION, guys I’ve put up a gritty crib in blogosphere where I tell stories that aim to bridge nations. I wouldn’t mind seeing you around. Check it here https://www.tbmagazine.co.ke/

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  24. I think the picture should have been at the bottom after the article because it kept distracting my imagination…. I think the Dusty Rags should have those carpets that used to be hung on the walls with a picture of I dont know, a matador maybe…..

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  25. Smoothies..not just any smoothies but Kiwi smoothies?
    Windows: Floor to ceiling windows.
    Waiters..Ship in those ones from Montenegro. Uniformed ones with flashing granite eyes and wispy blondish brownish hair. Because easy on the eye.
    Thick Balkan accents that when they ask, “Would you like anything else ma’am?”
    The response would likely be, “Ya…just keep talking.”
    Paintings: Of the seaside, to give the feel of a beach party in progress.

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  26. I can already see myself perched up on one of those stools with my girlfriend, having a laugh and sipping that cocktail… That bartender, he should be able to pull cocktails from under the table… beautiful surprises; I like it when bartenders surprise me with their art!

  27. Your ancestors would be pleased if you gave wings a fish fingers alternative, liquor bottles displayed in rustic wooden boxes half filled with hay wrapped in shukas… and hey, am not 30, yet, but I wanna help serve at the bar .At least I will ensure the hay is in place like a woman’s’ hair

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  28. Am in my early twenties, i can’t wait till am in my late 30 to visit Dusty Rags. Where do you meet so creative friends, i wish one of my friends would be as creative as the good doctor.

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  29. Waitresses MUST have big busts but people will have to behave and act like it’s just another ordinary human being.

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  30. Enjoyed every 12 minutes of it! Kumbe you are a fan of The Late night show with Stephen Colbert love him too! Also love love Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers and John Oliver 😉

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    1. Awesome shows there the genius of the men, Last week tonight, satire of Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers awesome

  31. I read this when feeling soulful and it made a lot of sense.

    “…because we are different, we are bohemian, we are minimalist and secure and self maintained..”

    *smirks*
    Dusty rags huh?

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  32. Walls must be rough casted dusty grey…rugs must be dirty brown, nice and cushiony, so my toes can curl into after 5 hours in my punishing 6″ heels…the ladies room should also have those multicoloured window panes like cathedrals and one of those large tin lampshades that squint light…waitresses must never wear weaves…only their natural hair or well done extensions…no brightly lacquered nails, no brightly coloured lipstick, in fact very neutral coloured gloss…like the walls… Dusty Rugs..sigh! I can so see myself there…

  33. I want to be part of the 135 people who gets the invite from the Ravens. Lord knows i need to meet me some nice people who aren’t pretentious and have their stealing days behind them.

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  34. The music should be subtle, the waiters polite and professionals
    As for the wall colour, a hint of cream with lots of warm homely colours
    As for the bathrooms, I agree with doc very spacious and clean, some orchids or Lillie’s and large potted palms.
    The lamps shades should be simple yet classy not those pretentious one the south Sudanese would die for!
    The landscape should be meticulous with plenty of trees.
    A few Rustic pieces…….

  35. Brilliant! I am in my twenties and I will make a point to find myself at Dusty Rags. Please don’t shun us. Our intellect is that of a geezer 🙂

  36. I seriously had to look through my window to see whether a raven was oncoming because I am in my late tharis. I am expecting the invitation from that gothic creature oh. On the set up, I think waiters in The Rags should never trim their eye brows. They should keep it natural and compliment the brows with corn rows for a hairdo. And oh…their eyes should be watery; those teary eyes whose tears refuse to drop.

    1. Since you are going with unpretentious wood, serve your dishes on treated rustic wood planks and boards.
      Yes… even beet salads can go on a board too.

      Your menu should be no more than one page. Don’t overwhelm your guests with 4 page menus of mediocre items. Find the food you do well and do it with excellence – 1 page tops.
      Have a theme room in the back. If your flavor is Scott, whiskey, wine… have a sexy room in the back dimly lit but not dark, a room that breathes as though it’s a yoga loft with sighs of Namaste. It should have couches not chairs, comfortable sink in inviting couches (soft real leather (lamb skin) – the kind that men respect and women gush over), this room should be quiet but not silent. You know those places where you can have a conversation in the midst of controlled noise that does not over power your guests. Don’t be overt but don’t be forgettable either.
      Silence creates awkwardness and noise is just bad form! You don’t want every conversation to be punctuated by, ‘ha, what did you say?’ Or senseless nodding. Enough said.
      Since everyone is always meeting at a ‘bar’ for biashara, have a grown space that accommodates this.
      There is a small restaurant/jazz bar I go to where the chandelier is made of Maker’s Mark bottles.

      Find your edge.
      **the restrictions… I can’t post pictures. Eye roll

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      1. Silence creates awkwardness and noise is just bad form.

        That is such a beautiful sentence. Thank you for that.

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  37. Am a music junkie. And not just any music, its got to be old school. kina Toni Braxton, Whitney, Adina Howard, Jagged Edge, Sisqo, Debra Cox, RL, Tyreese… my list is endless, but you get the drift.. and country music too… So if am ever visiting The Rags, that is the kind of music I would want to listen to…
    And give The Rags a rustic feel to go with the music.

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  38. Worked in a bar all through college. Swore I would never do it again. But never say never…..
    Let me dust my resume, find old contacts and start combing my networks for suitable guests.
    The parties on Saturday and Monday will be legendary.

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  39. Biko, I just want those floor to ceiling windows with a view outside, I want you to plant carpet grass and a really nice garden with roses, you should hire a Kamba guy to maintain, i have realised these guys have the midas touch when it comes to flowers. I love to seat down and brood, and a view of nature does it for me.

  40. I wanna be one of the 135, I promise I’m not of the ratchet clan…
    Also if you need an Interior Designer for rags….

  41. I really enjoyed it, so much fun! That is definitely my kinda chill zone. Especially if the junk is going to be spot on and the background music from the eighies and nineties.

  42. Biko could we also not allow ladies clad in tu- short things? Like really short dresses as if looking for Wazungus? I mean, we don’t wanna cheapen this place.
    Guys in shorts, sandals and/or open shoes are also a no-no. Some NBO guys make no effort at all, while their women take time to look good. Such guys should be stopped at the entrance even for a Sunday afternoon meal. This is not a nyama choma joint!

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  43. I want a old blade like wood curved by an artist who knows his shit hang from the roof in the middle of the room. The carvings and curves for this baby should not be pretentious too. Let him inscribe ‘Only bosses close their doors’.

  44. Nice, lush booths that swallow you up but don’t hinder you when you want to jump up and jump to dance. A cocktail called Bare Threads would tickle my fancy. Lastly, I await my invite seeing as I am one of the… “men and women who work at home creating things with their beautiful minds and hands…”

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  45. Zebras have such perfect proportional asses..guilty! Dusty rags should have a chinese alcohol corner called baijiu..alcohol content of 40%-60% not for the weakling. Expensive as shit and is taken neat! erguotou is my favorite

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  46. I’d like to have a ‘Clean Sweep’ please. Excellent shooter, makes you touch your lips with the back of your hand soon as you swig it down.

  47. Biko, the photo up here, which pub is that? Looks very nice and authentic. I am a photo collector but i must say that photo is worth a million words.

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  48. Please please please allow 20 yr olds to waitress while pursuing their current degrees We need that extra money (for your master class) na already tunafanya degree ingine hatuwezi anza kutafuta ya waitressing so that we can work while in school, unanielewa?
    Also, Motown nights.

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  49. Please please please allow 20 yr olds waitress while pursuing their current degrees. You know we need that money (for your master class. And to help mom) na there’s just no time to go tafuta a waitressing one to be able to work while you’re in school, unanielewa?
    Also, Motown nights.

  50. I’ve never really gotten the concept of lounges; they’ve always felt a bit showy. They always seem like they’re filled with human versions of that new wood.
    The Rags should have a gorgeous circular dance floor, with floor panel low lighting. The kind of lighting that gives her a sense of mystery when she let’s the music take control, ebbing and flowing through her curves like one of those winding roads to Mbooni Hills.
    The dance floor should be in the middle of the bar not for show off purposes, but for easy access for when the secret Dj decides to play that old tune you’ve been humming in your head but can’t quite place the name of.
    You know that tune, that little beat that’s always on loop from that one-hit-wonder disco diva who’s name starts with a… I digress.

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  51. A Very nice conversation, I am envious of all of it. I only have one question, how on earth did you remember the whole conversation word for word??? Did you compare notes with the good doctor?

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  52. The Rags will probably be a Most ideal place.I will Propose there when i find a wifeable wife. The settings and ambience and walls, i know will be kosher and someone will go Awwww(not to the waiter with a glorious beard) the engagee(just coined a new word) and then we’ll be on one of these flowery wedding shows on T.V ,and all the lovely hosts with a rosey smile, will ask me ”Where did you propose?” and i’ll reply , ”I proposed at The Rag”(Pun so not intended)”Anyway awesome piece,Grandiose idea,
    always a pleasure BikoZulu,even though i comment last

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  53. I imagine The Rags looking like a traditional English Bar where they play The Beatles. Oh please please play The Beatles.I am a millennial and I feel like not enough people appreciate The Beatles and the yes Biko, I’d fit right in I’m an old soul. The Rags should have nice portraits that look like they were taken in 1940.There’s nothing like nursing a drink and staring reflectively at paintings and pictures. Why isn’t there a band Biko? I’m talking nice old Jazz with a mysterious man on the sax. Never talks just uses his mouth..

  54. Whoa dude. Now you got me thinking. Dusty Rag. Wood. I think of the entrance sign. Not really a sign but a flag on some old, worn canvas that just flutters in the wind. A sign that says life-experienced, proud about it and not overtly pub-ish. A sign that says: “Only enter if you think you belong here.” The canvas paintings on the walls mounted on moveable bracket- frames carved from reclaimed seawood and recycled furniture. The paintings locations move every single day. These artworks will not be stuck or hung flush to the frames, but askew and will allow them to flutter slightly outside the boundaries of these frames -just like the personalities of your clientele. Their movements will create new ambience and character. The booths can easily change from a two-seater to a six seater arrangement with a flick of the waiter’s wrist. Every night you will be greeted with a new booth arrangement. Space for dancing in between each and every booth. A dark watchers corner will be there for the lone thinker can sit by themselves, get inspired by watching people enjoying life without feeling like a psycho. Okay, let me stop here. Go for it, Bro!

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  55. Haha…Biko…I’m laoonching my life …you are welcome.

    The lady’s washroom on point. Scents and mirrors very vital!!!

    I think you should decide on interesting colors for staff uniform.

    Can’t wait for The Rags!!!

  56. Why are us under 30s being exempted? We won’t steal your fancy bathroom mirrors. But we will be happy to help out the rest of your clientele who may happen to be subtle drinkers empty their bottles/glasses

  57. Speaking of Rango,
    Did anyone else notice that the “run-over-animal” (let’s call it that because I can’t place its name) was rocking a kenyan flag for a scarf throughout the movie?
    Felt like it was a subtle signature by one of the animators who was Kenyan

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  58. Oh gosh first commenters,,,are the kinda people spoiling the moments with endless selfies posting on their grams first at the Rags (which would be so sickening)

    So leave your phone(s) at the entrance would be a good policy…
    We crave,we need DUSTY RAGS

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  59. A rich smell of polished wood, with tables recycled from brandy storage barrels. Must have a cigar corner and most importantly a dress code…..My favorite cocktail would be Rags to Riches… any VSOP cognac with a dash of a lemon peel served by a waitress without a weave and chipped nail polish!!

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  60. I would totally go here!! I don’t meet the criteria at all..seeing that I am not middle class or even anywhere near my late thirties. But still, I’d go here. The Kenyan club scene has never done it for me. I find it too noisy for my comfort.. haha. Maybe I am boring or just an old soul because I much prefer those places you can have a conversation without raising your voice several decibels above those of normal conversation.
    For so long I’ve had this dream of starting one those places have a nice ambiance with a bar setting and not too loud music..an unpretentious place where a normal class person can go and not feel like they are trying to make a statement but rather just to drink and talk…

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  61. Wow. I enjoyed every second of the 12 minutes.
    And you know what? I know a few people who say ‘the laooonch’.

  62. Please stop discriminating against us Subaru girls and guys… we’re nice, and we’re courteous on the road.
    Unless you’re crawling at 40KPH. Dude. Get out the way.

  63. 2 things. the cocktails should have those bamboo like sticks in carni dawas or even better wooden sticks. no straws please.
    secondly hips. good 65kgs hips. either on the wall or waitresses.

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  64. Well,well. Because we have enough noisy bars and discos already, Dusty Rags would be ideal since mature friendship is when silence is confortable.

  65. It took me exactly 12 min to read the piece!!! Awesome as usual..please consider having under 30 ladies who are in their 40s in mind. We shall come by! 🙂

  66. Can I put in a word for the Presbyterian who will not touch alcohol other than during Holy Communion?
    Some hot water, lemon And honey. You can call it ‘Honey Glazed Bikira’,

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  67. Did anyone here ever go to the Porterhouse before they shut down? I feel like the Rags ought to be something like that…It was a gem.

  68. Kweli guys were bored during elections. Seems like Biko wrote this just to see if peeps will drink the kool-aid on whatever he writes. “Dusty Rags” doesnt sount fancy, it sounds like a raggedy reggae joint in Zimmer where people chew gomba mpaka che. Biko, are you sure this conversation wasn’t a dream? But anyway, dreams are valid.

  69. I needed a break from work and thought I should read this.I’d been saving it for some traffic reading later on today.Always a treat Biko!

  70. Am not sure am old enough to hold a conversation at the rags, a mature conversation. But i would like to pass-by and take a leak. Is taking a leak for guys only? I would love to use the bathroom.

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  71. On your cocktail menu just have a blue drink with a red berry drowning inside, chocking in a generous amount of scotch. Make sure its the silent kind of blue, the one that spells royalty.
    About the walls, a deep shade of brown wood, within it crafted a rare kind of art would do. Space the counter seats well because no lady with class would like to choke on the smell of beer courtesy of the man taking it next to her on the counter.
    About the music, an excellent selection of kizomba music would thrill those of us who love to dance to those tunes. Also make sure the bartender pronounces the name of those cocktails properly, even if they are the only words he can say right.

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  72. no ‘ladies’ and ‘gents’ signage..some wonderful craft depicting the sexes will do wonderfully..and please the seats should cater for the bottom heavy woman who loves her yellow pants.Nothing is more annoying like the little round stools where your ‘bottom’ cant fit so you keep shifting on it…arrrrrrggggghhhhhhh.

    Nice read Biko.

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  73. The walls should probably be some funky shade of brown with an oriental pattern. In my mind, I don’t see The Rags having windows, but it definitely has good lighting so you can read a good book at a corner.

  74. I wanted to say that we should have a fireplace at the rags… With nice couches around it. The kind that hug you when you sit in them, but old and having a story to tell like the wood we agreed on. But I feel like fireplaces had a calm that has been tainted in this century. They look fancy and not collected with a glow that makes you stare and forget to blink. But the bartender and people who will be coming to the Rags give me hope that a fireplace at The Rags will be appreciated correctly. So can we have a fireplace?
    PS: I’m in UoN Med school and I’ll probably be reading some old book at the fireplace but I promise I won’t steal the expensive mirrors

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  75. What of us the 19 year olds but with old souls.Nowhere close to late thirties but we try(we don’t say ‘gang gang’ I can assure you)We surely deserve something too,good sir.

    I am just waiting for that raven as the 135th person.

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    1. Haha Jojo. You can’t go to The Rags alone. Even on their early 40s or 90s, these men won’t let you sit their alone and have your drink in peace. And they won’t let in your 20sth bf either. Hehe

  76. The Gents, Biko.
    Make them spacious. Have some sound detectors that can distinguish between sounds of satisfaction and conversations.
    Theres that good feeling a ninja has when his member finally pops out and as he takes a leak, with his eyes looking up to the heavens, mumbles something incoherent, inspired by the music playing in The Rags or the thought of being locked out that night (yes, they’ll be locked out by their wives) or by just the good feeling of releasing the leftovers of a drink consumed earlier on. The sound detector should let this man live. He pays his taxes, or not but that’s inconsequential for now. He’s a good soul.
    HOWEVER
    If a man tries a conversation in the gents, a coherent, logical, sensible conversation- a conversation with real, printable words- the sound detector should be connected to a cylinder filled with pressurized, concentrated sulphuric acid, fitted with a motion sensor that should direct the nozzle to the source of the sound and spray the acid on the son of a woman who talks to a man in the gents. If the conversation involves words like ‘Cheki, look, unaona…’ or anything that insinuates the culprit wants the innocent man to look his direction, the cylinder should stop spraying through the nozzle and just rain on the nigga. I know some guy who can make this connection and won’t even demand membership to The Rags.
    I am in my twenties so I don’t think I will be allowed but, hey, we are the members of the future. Like the youth are the leaders of the same thing, you know.

  77. It is surely a good waste of time Biko. I personally think you should borrow a bit from that pic on the top. It looks antique and classy at the same time. That’s how I picture Dusty Rags. It will be complete with huge art on it’s walls with African touch. Also don’t sell cigarettes, just cigars. Those fat old cigars that make the person holding them look like an old folk. I am for the wooden touch especially for the floors, The real ones not the ‘imbo’ ones. I would love me a cocktail that speaks through me. I am also for the idea of ‘leave it to fate’ cocktails. You describe to the bartender what your mood is like and he just whips up something magical. Oh and bartender hand skills are a plus 1. If he knows how to mix cocktails and throw them up in a manner that makes my eyes follow in awe….I am in.
    PS: the entrance door should be the swinging one like the one in the bar in Rango. That swinging door just suits Dusty Rugs. It does not touch the ground and is not high up either. Just right.

  78. What if we introduce a tea recipe for them that would do Delmonte in a Bar. How about we call it Chebuga_Tea made with fresh milk straight from the Boma(s) with a shade of guacamole to appear like we keep tabs on the fruits girls post on Facebook lately.

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  79. Then maybe nick the welcome mat The Dusty Mat or sth. But keep it clean. Good read.
    Head over to our upcoming blog and show some love. Click on hyperlink

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  80. Whatever you do ensure the seats are comfortable, the toilets are clean..very clean, the place smells good and you fumigate regularly.
    I’d love a raven arrive at my windowsill down here

  81. Music is key, the kind of DJ who knows the kind of music you want to listen to. “Hand picked” songs mixed with perfection to maturity. Dj Leather. All day any day. Will be on kiss tv after burn 24/8/2017 tomorrow you can sample his music, since we don’t spot leather seats in the bar we can at least have a leather Dj.

  82. Don’t send Ravens to men with big bellies. We don’t want sponsors as they will bring with them campus girls. There should be a special space in one corner with a big screen for football fans. Not the loud mouthed Arsenal and chelsea ones. The cool ones. And have booths with comfortable chairs and tables made of the stupid wood.

  83. A book shelf made from that kind of wood that has a story to tell…a book shelf with books somewhere ,where everybody in the bar can see a book shelf that will have a story to tell, maybe because of the wood its made from or the books it carries but it will remain a mystery because no one will be aloud to touch the self or the books on it

  84. In my mind I have been imagining myself in a nice club. Old, or one that makes me feel young (I will never forget how my first time at Muthaiga Country Club felt). Non invasive lighting. Cosy and minimalistic. Understated opulence.The walls giving an off a knowing aura of someone who isn’t surprised anymore because they have seen and heard it all before. There is probably a permanent grand piano on a stage. Sometimes there is a three piece ensemble playing here – the piano, drums and bass – because a deejay can’t quite capture the mood and aspirations of the eclectic patrons. The pianist is an artist – weaving an expansive tapestry through Chopin, Ellington, Tin Pan Alley, Horace Silver, Art Tatum his own complex improvisations and back to Bach with graceful ease. The fare is made of single malt whisky and cigars and the menu paired with wines of character. Wines with stories. Wines that you met on distant dates, toasts on quiet celebration or those that you cried on during those personal apocalyptic days. Wines you have shared history with like childhood friends.

  85. I like picture that the rugs paints in my head….. All oozing and over flowing with realness…… Can we have a grand piano on one side? Then on tuesdays a jazzy keyman can sooth our souls, take us on a soulful journey?

  86. Biko!! Will thesw guys who post this pretentious ‘I’m first’ comment be allowed at dusty rugs? I can’t imagine sitting in a bar where guys are buying each other shots for being first!!!