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School Parents

We go for our children’s sports day, not because we want to run balancing eggs on spoons stuck in our mouths, but because we want our children to remember that we went. That we showed up. There is this perpetual fear that these children will one day grow up and say, “my dad never came for one school sports function. He always had meetings.” Oh and they will always remember the ones you did not attend, I am told.

But what could be more important in the office than running (and falling) in a sack? How much money are you going to make between 10am and 2pm when you are required in school? Even if indeed you make boatful of cash between 10am and 2pm one day you will be 62-years old and your children will not know how to talk to you because you were always in meetings and some point when they were growing up you turned to be just an ATM machine not a dad.  You will call them and they will stare at their phones ringing and when asked by their pals why they are not picking your calls they will say, “I don’t know what to say to him.”  I can’t think of anything worse than growing old with all the money you made between 10am and 2pm and your children grew up and lost the language to speak to you in.

In another ten years these clients who made us skip our children’s milestones will not matter. But our children will.

So we go for these sports things and the brave ones amongst us sign up for those three-legged races where they tie your leg with another daddy’s leg and you poor chaps leg it. Nobody will tell you this but it’s humiliating because the children laugh at you from the bleachers when you fall (and y0u will fall) because children possess gallows humour and they love nothing better than to see their parents fall and scrape their knees. Small price to pay; it’s the one day your children get to see you as a child.

Last sports day I saw some guy whose son was jumping in the bouncing castle while crying and shouting, “Dad, come in! Come in!” And dad, a little shy, pleaded, “I can’t! It’s for children!” It was both sad and funny. “Dad! Dad! Come in and jump!” I was standing next to him so I said lightly, “I can watch over your shoes. Go ahead, you know you want to jump in.” He laughed and said tongue-in-cheek, “it’s not even my shoes I’m worried about losing, it’s my dignity.” And I said, “look around, nobody here has any dignity left, my friend.”

The other reason we go for these shindigs is because the kids genuinely love it when their parents show up. Plus they know that after they are going to gorge their kissers with junk food. Last time I saw some bunch of sad looking 3-year old kids whose parents didn’t come for the sports event and instead had sent househelps for the school sports function! It was the most heartbreaking thing ever especially because the Helps were wearing uniforms, which isn’t surprising. I can see someone who dresses their Help in uniform sending them to their children’s school sports day.

I wondered how the conversations with the other kids went the next day in school.

“Why does your mommy wear uniform?”

That was not my mommy, that was my auntie.

“But why does your auntie wear uniform?”

[Shrugs]

“Does your mommy also wear uniform?”

No. My mommy wears red shoes and a purse.

“What about your daddy, does he wear uniform?”

My daddy wears a tie. And he has a laptop.

“My daddy also has a laptop. Did you see him yesterday for sports?”

[Shakes head]

“He is strong.”

My daddy is also strong.

“Why didn’t he come to school?”

He had a meeting.

“Did your mommy and daddy have a meeting together?”

[Shrugs]

Whatever the case, parents who show up for those events have a distinct nomenclature. If you are not a parent yet, one day you might fall in any of these categories.

The Retirement Parents

They look like they are in their 50s or early 60s. Their child (last born, perhaps?”) is 3 years old. So perhaps they have older kids who have left the nest and they wanted to fill the silence so they got a joyous retirement baby. They look reborn again. Most striking about them is how calm they always are; the wife types on her phone with one finger, the man is always reading a newspaper while his lips move. They look at us with pity because we seem so naive at what lies ahead of the parenting road.

Falling Man

There is always that one chubby father who always volunteers in a race. He’s enthused and has so much beans. The thing is he always  always falls during a race. Each time. And when he falls he doesn’t fall like normal people do, he falls on his face like a toppled statue. He starts off strong, running with hands flaring, his shirt riding up his beer belly, we cheer him wildly knowing what’s coming and when he finally falls we all roar and clap because we are human beings, we secretly love tragedy. If you are not going to go for your child’s sports thing, go only to watch this guy fall. The falling man, if you are reading this know that you might always come last in that race but you are always first in our hearts. Keep falling.

The fashionista

She thinks the event is a horse racing event because she always come dressed to the nines. Sometimes she wears all white linen from head to toe complete with a big floppy hat. Her face is made up, with mascara and lipstick so red she looked like she kissed lava. Her expensive weave falls all the way down to her ass. She peers at the world through huge designer sunglasses, fanning herself with a fancy oriental fan and avoiding the ndaos that the rest of us are served. She looks sensational but seeing her at the event is always like seeing a boat in the middle of Kenyatta Avenue and when you look at her you can’t help but to  think “there is no way that lady would have breastfed, its seems too mainstream for her!”

The Sporty Mum

This lady is a ball of fire! She’s everywhere! She volunteers for every race and game. She’s cheery and laughs loudly. Her personality fills the whole field. She normally leads the parent’s cheering squad with her husky voice and energy. She is the life of the party with her sunny disposition. Her husband, in contrast, is always the mild mellow fellow who sits quietly with a persevering smile. An apologetic smile that seems to say, “Guys, just roll with it.” He married her for her personality. He understands her loudness even if some of us don’t. But she is good for something; if she is in your parent’s team, oh, she will bring life to it because she is life.

The Snobby Parents

Of course even parents belong to cliques especially in 2017. There are parents who think they are better than other parents.  You can tell by their body language and their stiff upper lips. They always walk around looking like there is a foul smell in the air. We disgust them. They can’t believe they find themselves in this peasant jamboree. They stare at the rest of us from under their noses and they only talk to the parents who are as snobbish as them. You wonder why they can’t just take  their children to Banda School instead.

The single father/ widowed

I know a guy like this in Tamms school; he has never come for these dos with the mother of his kids, so either he’s divorced, widowed or his wife works in Kabul. Whatever the case, he always sits alone, silently, holding his ndao with a serviette. He casts a very sorry and lonesome figure, like he doesn’t have friends and nobody wants to play with him. He almost always has the same sweater on. I think those parents who go to bring clothes from Istanbul should bring him new sweaters as good citizens. He makes me so sad, this man.  I always say next time I will make friends with him but I never come round to it.

Next time I will.

The Celebrity

The thing with celebrities is that they want to come late to the event and be the last ones to come in. You know, make this grand entrance bearing lattes in to-go cups. They want to be seen. Whilst the rest of us show up for these events celebrities arrive. Most – from tales I hear –  are truly overbearing and showy. They imagine we are there for them. They almost wish that the  MC would recognise their presence like we are in some harambee in shags. Nobody has told them this but the truth is that most of us don’t care. The real celebrities of the day are the kids so please sit down hotshot.

We have one in my son’s school but thankfully he isn’t a nuisance. Very popular guy but zero airs. He usually comes with his wife and they sit silently and not make a fuss. They queue for tea and are polite and polished. You wouldn’t notice him.  

New parents

They think before them parenthood didn’t exist. They remind me of the white man who “discovered” Mount Kenya. You can’t blame them though, kids get you really excited. You can tell them apart from the rest; they wave frantically at their children. The mothers are always like “awww, he is so adorable!” They almost want every other parent to cheer their ‘adorable’ child. And when their children are racing they are always the ones screaming their children’s names the loudest. “Hilary! Hilary baby! Go Hilary! Go!!! Hilarrry babyyy!”

Goodness. Stop. Already. You are distracting Hilary.  

Director of Photography.

What is it with parents taking hours and hours of footage of their kids? These are the parents who want to take every damn picture and video of their children even when the MC has announced that parents should not pass a certain area. They want to take every video and photos and they shove and push for shots and they block your view and your sun (and son). The iPad brigade. But you let them because God is seeing them. I suspect these are the same parents who will bore you with tons of their children’s pictures from their phones when they meet you. “This is when, Danny was two years.. Cute yeah?” “And here is when we took Danny to ride a horse in Karen.. The horse just loved him.” “And here, this is Danny’s milk tooth that fell off.”  

Working Parents

These are parents who go to these school events to work. They never hardy look up from their phones or iPads, always sending emails, reading emails, receiving long phone calls about work, talking shop. Children want their parents to see them racing and be proud of them and so it’s pointless to go if you won’t see shit. There is never an email that can’t wait a phone call that can’t be returned. Truth is you are not the only one who can save the company. Surely, you can wait until 3pm to send off that email with , “With kind regards…

The delegation

These are parents who come with the whole clan. There is the grandparents, two uncles, three cousins who came from Nyeri jana (they still have red soil on their shoes), an aunt, the godmother, the brother-in-law visiting from Arusha, a distant cousin, the housewife next door who asked if she could come, the business supplier who is there to kiss the client’s ass, an old aunt from Kilgoris, some guy in a maasai shuka who is feeling cold in the 28 degrees heat, two nephews, one pretty niece with headphones on, the father’s step sister with a massive headband and a thousand colourful bangles and some relative who is constantly eating groundnuts from his jacket pocket.

There is family, then there is this family. And family stays together. To each his own.

The Temptress

She has an ass. Let’s not even lie and call an ass an ass. As in if her ass was a currency it would never weaken against the dollar. It’s unfair to reduce her to her ass but that’s all you see because that’s all she flaunts. She has an amazing body and the bad news is that she knows it because she is one of those who wear short tight dresses and hotpants to these children’s events. Even though in another setting she would be a sight for sore eyes it’s very unfair to us (straight) fathers at that do because we are there to look at our children not her ass. And she makes it mighty difficult for us when she keeps waltzing up and down the bleachers where we – tax-paying-God-fearing fathers – all seated, swinging dangerously without a permit and leaving  a trail of seduction in her wake. And whenever she passes, all fathers who are with their wives by their sides, all turn and look in the opposite direction in unison because who needs problems? Even the single/ widowed/ divorced father in his one sweater resists ogling at her because there is something extremely ugly and perverse with stealing a look at a woman’s ass when you are in your child’s space.

The Temptress is like an elephant in the room; we all know she is there but nobody ever wants to acknowledge her presence.

***

Shall we see you at this term’s school’s sports day?

 

Registration for the writing masterclass is now open. The class will on June 7th to 9th. Email info@bikozulu.co.ke to lock down a slot.

160 Responses
  • wabushes
    02.05.2017

    Great.




    0
    • Brendan kasyaba
      02.05.2017

      As always a great great read, this reminds of one of the book recommendations you made, “PEOPLE I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE THROAT-Jean Mann”.

      Family is so important especially the Tamms and co. Add a sweet funny twist to it and we are in total business.

      Is your email up I tried to send a message requesting information about the master class and it didn’t go through.




      2
    • ROSE
      02.05.2017

      Hi Biko!…great article. Can you please increase the FONT!!




      5
      • Kerubo Purity
        02.05.2017

        Zooming in is a better option…haha




        2
        • Radixx
          03.05.2017

          Touchè!!




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        • Mso
          05.05.2017

          where’s the zoom button:)




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    • alexjaaba
      03.05.2017

      the temptress…. they always present… we always trying to steal a glance… it’s unbelievable how her body could be so beautifully curved. you want to keep looking, but your conscience won’t let you kula kwa macho.




      2
    • Munira
      08.05.2017

      Totally relating……I fall between new mum and sporty mumu




      1
  • NO3drug
    02.05.2017

    Second comment




    1
    • mama c
      03.05.2017

      so underwhelming eh? gunning for second and not even making it.




      3
  • Mark
    02.05.2017

    I am the falling man. It’s my superpower.

    Nice read, Biko.

    https://thispostisabout.wordpress.com




    6
    • Malaika
      02.05.2017

      Hahaha…




      0
  • Davi K
    02.05.2017

    ‘And whenever she passes, all fathers who are with their wives by their sides, all turn and look in the opposite direction in unison because who needs problems?’….Totally hilarious!




    4
    • QS Vosty
      03.05.2017

      That part was the best! That happens, by the way.




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  • Barbee
    02.05.2017

    Loved it. It is unfair to reduce the whole post to the ass paragraph but it is all I can think of. the widowed father part . Before I forget, ati ‘you’re distracting Hilary’




    2
  • Liz karuga
    02.05.2017

    Great article,it seems all sports days in most schools are the same




    2
    • Muste
      09.05.2017

      Indeed, I am an event organizer and we do lots of sports days and fun days so i can attest to that.

      I think he left out “the businessman” who is always trying to network and almost everyone goes home with his business card. Also the “die-hard parents” who take the games a tad bit too seriously and are always arguing about the points their teams got awarded, they are often the same breed that will push their kids to literally participate in every activity.




      4
  • Em
    02.05.2017

    “look in the opposite direction in unison because who needs problems?” Haha lol.. Good read..my dosage for the day is sorted




    2
  • Caleen
    02.05.2017

    Nothing can not not wait for our children’s do in school,the types of parents though!!!ha ha




    0
  • @clif_the_tall
    02.05.2017

    “This is when, Danny was two years.. Cute yeah?” “And here is when we took Danny to ride a horse in Karen.. The horse just loved him.” “And here, this is Danny’s milk tooth that fell off.” Hehehe very very funny. Director of photography just killed it for me. Great piece.




    2
    • Wesh - Peter Wesh
      02.05.2017

      I am gonna be one of those directors of photography. I can already see it coming.




      3
    • bumble bee
      02.05.2017

      I like the new parent go Hillary go

      Ati you’re distracting Hillary

      Note to future self




      0
      • Eve
        09.05.2017

        Hehe..this is sooo me!




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  • Njooro
    02.05.2017

    Its true. Kids remember.




    0
  • Angela Darcy
    02.05.2017

    What a read! Amazing.. The Temptress… ohhh Biko! You never lack words. You made my day..




    0
  • Lauryn
    02.05.2017

    Thank you Biko for putting in more ink…..! see you “even if in spirit” at the next kids’ sports do!
    Awesome read…a wake up call to the overly working class parents!




    0
  • Ouma Andiwo
    02.05.2017

    Hehehehe




    0
  • Shiru
    02.05.2017

    Oh gosh, I’m the new mum distracting Hillary hahaha




    1
  • David
    02.05.2017

    Funny




    0
  • Lynn
    02.05.2017

    nys read Biko. the falling man is always funny.




    0
    • Cnjeri
      02.05.2017

      Did you mean ‘nice’?




      2
      • MyNameIsPeter
        04.05.2017

        LOOOL…Cnjeri. I see what you did there. God is seeing you.




        1
  • Lolo
    02.05.2017

    New parent here and Director of photography. Guilty as charged. I also come with the whole clan I’m a hot mess aren’t I?




    0
    • Shem
      03.05.2017

      Hahaha




      0
  • Juniper
    02.05.2017

    Your comment*awesome as usually. my day is totally made.
    thank you chocolate man




    0
  • Barkachai Keitany
    02.05.2017

    on point and refreshing. I love it,it is so real.




    0
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    02.05.2017

    My dad was in all school sports day because he was the sports-master. I have good memories of being whipped to run or sijui to jump like kina Rotich even through our kuyu traditions about all the warus they fed me never allowed me to be much of anything in sports. It sounds fun now but back then it was terrible to have my old man run the whole show. I had to run races whilst all I ever wanted as to eat ndunyas and hang out with my class four click. Anyway, it is good when parents show up, better if they get involved, even by flaunting ass around the field.
    Good read.




    13
  • Lydia Abiero
    02.05.2017

    Hehehehe i love this….can’t wait to experience all that at my Son’s first sports day




    0
  • Lumbzy
    02.05.2017

    Nice read Biko, I’ll endeavor to attend my children’s Sport’s days when I have them. I try to understand why bourgeoisie maids should wear uniforms in the house (which I guess the same class will call residence) but just why should these people make them go out in them like they’re advertising for a maid recruitment agency? I think it’s really mean to the Helps.




    2
  • Ms. Tee
    02.05.2017

    Hahahahaaa!!! Morning made!- The Temptress




    0
  • A.J.O OKOYO
    02.05.2017

    A good read. You should have said something on the gentlemen




    0
  • Morris K
    02.05.2017

    I don’t know what kind of a parent I will be hehe…..I hope I will be the life of the party and the group…Mungu mbele




    0
  • Gichohi wa Nderitu
    02.05.2017

    This part nailed it. ” because there is something extremely ugly and perverse with stealing a look at a woman’s ass when you are in your child’s space.”

    Very true indeed.




    2
  • Ivy
    02.05.2017

    so, which parent are you Biko?




    3
  • Shirley
    02.05.2017

    Those categories! oh lawd! Refreshing read Biko..




    0
  • tweety
    02.05.2017

    good read as always.




    0
  • Lucas
    02.05.2017

    Hehehe too funny biko. I’m the hulla hoop champion at my kids school. So where does that place me.




    0
  • Naomi
    02.05.2017

    The falling man and the sporty mum are my heroes of the day! They make the day exciting and children love them. Oh and biko, can you leave ‘DOP’ parents alone now! Every moment has to be documented or how else will people know our children lost their teeth.
    Great piece as usual!




    0
  • Ronald Yego
    02.05.2017

    So nowadays there is such a thing? I wish I could relate. Us kids raised in shaggz have nothing emotional attached to our parents coming or not coming to our school. Unless you are referring to the fear that the math teacher might find himself in uncontrolled verbal engagement and mention a thing or two about you not finishing your homework. He would then henceforth remind a few of you through the rest of the term the way he is friends with your dad and that only meant more engagement of the rod around your bottom back itinerary. No thanks




    3
  • Edmak
    02.05.2017

    …….some relative who is constantly eating groundnuts from his jacket pocket.

    Wah!! The imagery conjured by that tid bit




    3
  • Peter
    02.05.2017

    There is a problem with this font though or is it the background…I keep losing the lines. That aside, this catches IT




    0
  • JB
    02.05.2017

    And whenever she passes, all fathers who are with their wives by their sides, all turn and look in the opposite direction in unison because who needs problems?
    hahahahaha. Amazing!
    ION, too many grammatical mistakes today, word placements etc… Are your editors asleep? 🙁




    2
    • Jojo
      09.05.2017

      I’ll definitely be the sporty mom,
      I laughed through the post yanii




      0
  • Biegon
    02.05.2017

    Haha. I cant wait to be a parent. I wouldn’t miss that for anything!




    0
  • Kami
    02.05.2017

    “As in if her ass was a currency it would never weaken against the dollar”
    Hahahahaha, good stuff!!




    4
    • Moccasins
      02.05.2017

      Lol, laughed at this the most, right on!!




      0
    • Jina
      03.05.2017

      This is a line I will use very soon. Thank you Chocolate Man




      0
    • Elsie
      05.05.2017

      My favorite line too!




      0
  • Githinji Mwaniki
    02.05.2017

    I’ll be the cheering parent, distracting or not…




    0
  • Michael Owino
    02.05.2017

    To all those who Biko has described as working parents….If you cant leave your work to share your toi’s moments why the hell do you show up!!! Work is important yes but lets not forget that family comes first. Awesome read Biko




    0
  • wanjikuWaNgigi
    02.05.2017

    The falling man….. woi… I know I am the sporty mum/ New parent…can’t wait to start going for these school events yawa!. Anyway Good read as always.




    1
  • mikey
    02.05.2017

    Nice read. The temptress killed it!




    0
  • crappywriter
    02.05.2017

    did Biko just say “ndao”? do people still call mandazis ndaos? enyewe Biko is an old geezer.
    nice article though chocolate man. i can’t relate but hopefully one day i will..




    2
    • Kate
      02.05.2017

      I got lost for a moment trying to figure out what ‘ndao’ is..




      0
  • Mike
    02.05.2017

    An elephant in the room……. lolest that killed me




    0
  • Bilha
    02.05.2017

    Im so tickled as usual.Im definitely the new parent




    0
  • Chege
    02.05.2017

    Awesome read




    0
  • Melodious
    02.05.2017

    The falling man, if you are reading this know that you might always come last in that race but you are always first in our hearts. Keep falling.”

    wonderful article Biko.
    Nailed it




    1
  • Naomi
    02.05.2017

    This is a wake up call to all the absentee parents.A nice read..ati director of Photography….




    0
  • Hilarious list but so true!
    The one that stands out is the delegation. It may look much for onlookers but it’s so important for a kid to see the whole clan rooting for them. Reminds me of something Maya Angelou wrote.
    It makes them feel awfully significant..and confident, and childhood whizzes by so fast that every positive experience counts for something, plus the bonding opportunities are priceless.

    One day I hope to join the masterclass. Mostly it will be to observe and people watch.




    1
  • Malaika
    02.05.2017

    Where have I been…I thought I was lost… that the link got mixed up and redirected me elsewhere… The new layout is awesome…
    I am a mix of a few of those parents…hahaha… I almost did the clan thing… Truth be told, I am those parents who show up early as if God will strike me with thunder if I am late. May he remember I went coz I remember my parents hardly came…but when they did, especially dad (God rest his soul) he would win at all those parent sports events… nostalgic. .




    1
  • Teryl
    02.05.2017

    Hahahaha good read.
    You didn’t mention the parents who always want to volunteer to give speeches on behalf of the rest…lol




    4
    • Esenam Allen
      11.05.2017

      hahahhahaha i am sure my dad will fall into that category of people. He loves his speeches and tries so hard to act humble about it when other people praise him. I always find him interesting. He speaks well, and i am always proud of him.




      0
  • Githogori
    02.05.2017

    Great attending a sports day at school.
    Look away in unison to avoid blasphemy, now that’s cool




    0
  • JayT
    02.05.2017

    Aki the font is not friendly. Too small. Love the story!




    0
  • Switch
    02.05.2017

    The woman who keeps shouting at hillary, I can see her lowering her voice when the ass woman intercepts her sight because all she has at her back is a stretched flat, with zero deviation.




    0
  • Apiyo
    02.05.2017

    Hahaha ha looks like you want to get us fired this Tuesday afternoon for reading and laughing at this post. The photographer, temptress and the family were just the best! I have laughed a good one! I like the emphasis on things that can wait to be done another day because our children’s do is soooo important they will never forget. Certainly didn’t miss that one. Thanks for adding that seriousness to this utterly funny article.




    0
  • Machaa
    02.05.2017

    Good stuff as always. I first stumble on this blog in 2011 and got hooked,,,, but then again why is the like button at the beginning of the article?




    0
  • Mike
    02.05.2017

    Go make friends with ‘The single father/ widowed’…Mimi watoi wangu wako Banda school already…hahahah




    0
  • R
    02.05.2017

    I am definitely the one who would bring the whole clan 😀 😀 and cheer my child on!!!! but now that I think of it that distracting the child thing you have talked about is true so loads of pictures to show he/she later 🙂




    0
    • R
      02.05.2017

      and try some races, so that they are proud of me




      0
  • Erick Wabwire
    02.05.2017

    “It’s not the shoes that I’m worried about – It’s my dignity.” Now that’s hilarious




    0
  • Njeri
    02.05.2017

    At some point, my parents would send me to my small bro’s sports day or closing day and I always loved the retirement parents (because that is where my parents belong in this crowd). Thay always seem so comfortable in their skin, They are here to pass time (I can guarantee this. I once accompanied my dad to one parents’ day and he kept nodding off)and they enjoy these events more than any other parent really. If they are together, they will be talking about biashara in Kikuyu, totally oblivious of the event of the day. They are simply here to observe how their retirement project is fairing on. They don’t care about competitions. Been there, done that and have several grown babies to show for it!




    2
  • Min Krasi
    02.05.2017

    Great read!! I like the ones who come prepared, dressed in the colours of their kids school house/ teams and shout their lungs out!! makes the whole day so much more fun!!




    0
  • Carol Ohonde
    02.05.2017

    Lol! For a moment there I was transported to the last swimming gala I attended last term! I’m an unapologetic sport y mum and I can almost name all these other characters bwahaha!
    Well in Mr Biko!




    0
  • MuthoniM
    02.05.2017

    My goodness !! I can see all those parents at school,you completely nailed it!! Laughed throughout, sports day will never be the same for me again!!!Thanks Biko you truly are gifted!!!




    0
  • Magda
    02.05.2017

    “As in if her ass was a currency it would never weaken against the dollar. ” That made my day in the office.




    0
  • Monica
    02.05.2017

    ati the red soil from Nyeri can still show…Biko you killed me. You are amazingly observant and yes we know all these parents and how we love to watch the prices look on fathers’ faces as the temptress passes…hilarious.




    0
  • Riri
    02.05.2017

    Reality check!! Growing up for children is presence; scream when necessary, cheer, jump alongside, dance and do all that. It’s what they will remember more than how much money you ever gave them.




    1
  • jeff
    02.05.2017

    Same everywhere I presume!! great Mr. Biko




    0
  • Miriam Mwangi
    02.05.2017

    Lol!! I know. I know. Such a nice read!




    0
  • Queen of Serotonin
    02.05.2017

    Cheers to my mum and dad, they showed for all my sports and visiting days promptly 🙂




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  • Martin
    02.05.2017

    Great read. Put the ‘comment’ and ‘love’ tabs at the end.




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  • kennedy
    02.05.2017

    She thinks the event is a horse racing event because she always come dressed to the nines. Sometimes she wears all white linen from head to toe complete with a big floppy hat. Her face is made up, with mascara and lipstick so red she looked like she kissed lava. …………………………………………..

    Biko i know this one she is my friend and i always want to tell her but like you courage fails me every other time

    Next time…………………..




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    • Maureen
      03.05.2017

      This is so me…..and I still manage to shout myself hoarse and get in a few GB worth of pics.
      Definitely not a mutually exclusive thing.




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  • Redempta Bisangwa
    02.05.2017

    Firstly, the new layout is awesome, i love it. This piece is awesome, very funny indeed. The falling man, oh i remember i would laugh so hard .




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  • Nyox
    02.05.2017

    What a great, hilarious and provocative read! One of the best this year. I totally relate…from the other side of the fence as a teacher. A parents presence during school activities is critical…and yes…keep away from technology and be physical present for those few hours. This speaks volumes to your kids.




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  • Louis Wamukoya
    02.05.2017

    Great read.




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  • Merci Jowi
    02.05.2017

    Nice read. These fonts need to be bigger Biko.




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  • wambui
    02.05.2017

    hahaha nice one! ION I had forgotten to heart ….Came back mbio…… 😀




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  • abdullah omar
    02.05.2017

    dignity hath no fury than dignity spurned!he lost it long before he took off his shoes!




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  • Dennis Mwai
    02.05.2017

    Nice read as always..Not a parent yet but once I get there I’ll definitely go to the Children’s sports day




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  • Bree
    02.05.2017

    Shout out to all sporty mums and future sporty mums!!!

    We deserve medals… 🙂




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  • Mbula Sang
    02.05.2017

    Great chocolate man that you have added a piece on family and what really matters ‘ check this out.. ‘Even if indeed you make boatful of cash between 10am and 2pm one day you will be 62-years old and your children will not know how to talk to you because you were always in meetings and some point when they were growing up you turned to be just an ATM machine not a dad.’ love it to bits




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    • Mary
      02.05.2017

      This was my favourite part top ~<3




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  • winnie wanjiru
    02.05.2017

    “There is never an email that can’t wait a phone call that can’t be returned…” Nice




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  • Milka
    02.05.2017

    Please don’t change this blog again. It has left me quite unsettled. Like…it’s the same exact location but a different house that I need to re-learn. I’m stuck with nostalgia and feeling like I have to will myself to come back. Like a rebound. Yeah..I guess I come here for everything it has to offer. I notice every detail because I cherish it. Love the articles though. At least that is a constant.
    Asante kwa maandishi mazuri.




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  • C. Warui
    02.05.2017

    True true! ooh so real . Ours happens every July
    nice read !




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  • Mugabi P
    02.05.2017

    The read on school parents is great.
    Can slid in one category the parents who catch feelings with the referees or even at the results of the teams with their kids ;like dude we are here for the MEMORIES.
    But I love every single category of parents.I cannot tell quite yet where I fall.




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  • Amina said
    02.05.2017

    Ooh Biko you just reminded me I was from one and still nursing a muscle pain…All said it’s one day in our children’s school life that really matter.




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  • Jane
    02.05.2017

    Thank you Biko for telling them. Am a teacher and I see children scanning through the crowd looking for their parents and when they dont see them they begin to cry and lose interest in their activities. The children we prepare during the practices are not the ones who take part during the sports or creative arts days! Please parents just humor them and come.




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    • Roba
      02.05.2017

      Tax paying-God fearing fathers and the temprress’ ass. He he he… Still laughing!




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  • Lilian
    02.05.2017

    Can’t stop laughing! You have captured the different categories of school parents perfectly.




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  • salim
    02.05.2017

    The delegation is how we do it…the impression on the children lasts forever…why be a parent without participating in the parenting!




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  • fredii
    02.05.2017

    reading this makes me want to be a dad asap. nice work as always biko..’The Temptress’ . killed me




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  • Emily
    02.05.2017

    I enjoyed this. A nice reminder of what’s important and the reality of how replaceable we are at our places of work, unless you run the company…The nomenclature of parents is accurate.




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  • fridah
    03.05.2017

    Wao biko I can relate to this . kids Sport days are great. Thank you for sharing




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  • Joy Rugz
    03.05.2017

    It’s true. Till today I remember the number of times my parent didn’t attend my sports day. Only auntie showed up. It still haunts me.




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  • Kiuna
    03.05.2017

    I loved this one.
    I will be reading it again as soon as I become a Dad .
    Always attend the school sports day.




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  • Yvonne
    03.05.2017

    The falling man will come last in the race but will be first in our hearts…..indeed




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  • Mwakisha Makoko
    03.05.2017

    Awesome read as always loved the piece, but just know that a day will come when Tams will read this article and know that you went to the events to observe other parents and she will be super annoyed that this article wasn’t about her hehehe




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  • Amor Amor
    03.05.2017

    Totally loved today’s article.




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  • Mungai
    03.05.2017

    Times New Roman, Font Size 12, Line Spacing 1.5 would do just fine.




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    • kay
      03.05.2017

      lol…love this comment.




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    • Wanga
      08.05.2017

      Font size and line spacing okay…but please no New Times Roman!




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  • Eva
    03.05.2017

    I happen to be Hillary’s mum…… My son’s sports day totally relates to this article…I’ve seen the fashionista, the falling man, the working parents, the snobby parents the single father and sporty mum…..all present, looking forward to the next!




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  • G.Oriwo
    03.05.2017

    For those parents who think they are better than the rest…..Take your kids to Banda….pwahaha….booom on their face…




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  • Jean
    03.05.2017

    You painted that picture perfectly. Looking forward to that stage in life and hopefully I can make the cut for the sporty mum!




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  • Neema
    03.05.2017

    I have laughed soooo uncontrollably!!
    “.. look the opposite side in unison…”

    And you capture the do aptly.




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  • Musa
    03.05.2017

    Like the new look of the blog! Only tiny suggestion is to slightly increase the font 🙂

    Also, excuse my ignorance on the protocol, but I would like to be a guest writer at least once here, if I so deserve it. Fellow readers you can read my latest take on the delivery portal by G.O.K’s Chief Development Illusionist, Mr. Uhu-dini himself, right here: https://goo.gl/uyo3OI




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  • kay
    03.05.2017

    my dad never came for any of our school functions, ati sports day, swimming gala et al.,but we had to understand he is a doctor and was making sure mums and dads were well enough to attend their kids sports day. On the bright side mum showed up 😉
    PS. Biko you should add the judgy parent on the list.. That would be you!!heheheh you know ,the one that goes around looking at other parents and categorizing them like you did up there.




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  • Sachy
    03.05.2017

    We are being too hard here on parents who don’t attend school dos.
    My father never attended a single sports day in my school. Heck, I doubt he even knew its exact location. My mom was equally busy and she would visit me on non-visiting days (the odd Friday etc). That means sports days were entirely out of the question.
    However, I really appreciate all they did in making sure I never lacked for anything while in school and that even meant I could afford to comfortably loan some of my teachers cash. No, I’m not bragging. Just a statement of fact.
    And I absolutely love how I turned out. I don’t regret them not coming to my school at all. I really don’t.




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  • Johnson
    03.05.2017

    nice




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  • DanielMaina
    03.05.2017

    Nikos gift on talking about wigs and/or asses amazes me..




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  • DanielMaina
    03.05.2017

    Biko’s gift on talking about wigs and/or asses amazes me..




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  • June
    03.05.2017

    “there is something extremely ugly and perverse with stealing a look at a woman’s ass when you are in your child’s space.” You crack me up. Excellent observation skills. I could see all those people at my children’s sports day. Sport on!!!




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  • QS Vosty
    03.05.2017

    Masterpiece. You covered the temptress so thoroughly. I am those men who look at the opposite direction in (unison).
    Who wants to be accused of optical nutrition at the parents day?




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  • “In another ten years these clients who made us skip our children’s milestones will not matter. But our children will.”

    You’re so right, Biko. Well-done.

    mikeinioluwa.wordpress.com




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  • Derrick Odhiambo Adang'
    04.05.2017

    Hehe he he!…just funny!……“Hilary! Hilary baby! Go Hilary! Go!!! Hilarrry babyyy!”

    Goodness. Stop. Already. You are distracting Hilary.




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  • Philbert Mdindi
    04.05.2017

    Diretor of photography that is so me yang. Biko ni sawa tu …..




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  • Bernard Tubei
    04.05.2017

    Great Article Biko. The Temptress – “all fathers who are with their wives by their sides, all turn and look in the opposite direction in unison because who needs problems?” bit killed it. ha ha ha




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  • Carolyne
    04.05.2017

    The titles are so real….my ribs hut especially at ‘The Delegation’ and the ‘dangerous swinger’….whose mother? hahaha Refreshing read as always




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  • Rowsemary
    04.05.2017

    Something about this new digs that I’m not really diggn’. The color scale may be, the background…..Not yet there Biko, not yet there.
    – from an honest lover of your literary work –




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  • Agnes Opondo
    04.05.2017

    Hahaha! Good read. So in which category does this God fearing taxpaying father fall into?




    1
  • 1time
    05.05.2017

    Great article! I loved it! All human beings judge – they just don’t have a blog to tell us about it!
    Thank you Biko/couple of geeks for listening and darkening the font. It is great now.
    The people still complaining about the font/change – you will get used to it. If not, zoom in…




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  • Aseli
    06.05.2017

    Lovely read! The descriptions of various types of parents… spot on!




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  • Cee
    06.05.2017

    What’s your beef with “with kind regards”
    It works. Don’t fix itz

    With kind regards,




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  • Kharis
    07.05.2017

    The temptress…. I thought I was the only victim of this Jezebel…




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  • kariuki
    08.05.2017

    i cant wait for next week




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  • Kemunto
    08.05.2017

    My eyes are teary from reading this. The funny part is how a millenial can relate to this for 2 reasons;
    1. We saw these parents back in 04 when we were in school
    2. We will probably grow up to be these people when we start popping babies

    Great piece Biko 🙂




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  • Belinda
    09.05.2017

    One of your best articles i must say . i have never understood the snobby parents . They make me sick . Always wondered a polite way to tell them to take their child to Banda




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  • Mwaka
    09.05.2017

    Interesting that no lady in the gang expects to be The Temptress




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  • jabay
    09.05.2017

    The young Dad.
    People confuse me to be a brother or an uncle to my son………..really pisses me off




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  • Nick26
    10.05.2017

    Haha Biko imagine Kim telling you that his friend David saw you staring at his mum’s dress *read the temptress*
    Nice read and say Hi to the celebs next time




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  • Anjeo
    11.05.2017

    ‘And when he falls he doesn’t fall like normal people do, he falls on his face like a toppled statue




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  • Ashu
    13.05.2017

    My mum-a tall dark sprinter. I remember the award she bagged for the sprint during my class two school games. From then she stopped running (I later realised its because of my two Bros kuzaliwa). My dad, he never took a race but skillfuly passed time chatting with other Dads about National issues(political stuff).He still does that and makes new friends each second.
    I hope I will bruize my knees or bounce in the castle when my kissers start saying words like,”this is my son/daughter.”




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  • IceBreaker
    13.05.2017

    An interesting piece.




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  • Zack Mwangi
    21.05.2017

    Great read as always.




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  • nene
    22.05.2017

    Awesome!




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