Slices of fatherhood

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This week I will make this pithy. It’s about fatherhood. I will explain why if you stay around long enough. Every 7.50am I usually open the back door to let my little girl in the car. She always sits at the back, like she is a monarchy and I’m the servant. And she never opens her own door; such mundane acts are beneath her. She is a lady after all. So in her dapper blue uniform – complete with a striped tie that is always crooked – she stands back and let me reach for the door. Then she climbs in and perch herself at the back with her small legs dangling at the edge of seat in that fashion that always warms my heart. Sometime she talks incessantly on the way to school, other times she doesn’t. When she doesn’t I always believe it’s because she got a lot on her mind, 3yr olds have a lot in their minds, weighty issues, like differentiate the color red from blue. Whether I’m spoken to or not depend on how she wakes up. She is a woman after all. My life seems to revolve around her moods. I like the days she is in a good mood; she jabbers on about something or the other. Sometimes she sings her nursery hymn in such off key fashion. I always switch off the radio when she’s in the car for those ten minutes and listen. I love those times because those are the only times I have fully, away wholly from the missus and the help, the two people who she is insanely attached to. Our conversations are inane.

“What is that?”

“That’s a lorry.”

“Lolly.”

“No, lorry.”

“And that?”

“That’s a very big man.”

“He is carrying what?”

“Apart from the potbelly?”

(Raising her voice) “He is carrying what?”

“A big bag.”

Pause.

“I want a lollipop.”

“Funny you should mention that, me too.”

“Will you buy me a lollipop?”

“ Yes.”

“Now?”

“Do you promise to move out?”

“I want a lollipop!”

“After school.”

“Do you know the twinkle twinkle song?”

“No. I don’t listen to Lady Gaga.”

“Me I know the twinkle song.”

“Can you sing it?”

(She sings it, off-key. A song about stars or something.)

“What is that?”

“That’s matatu.”

“And that?”

“Another matatu.”

“And this?”

(Slowly) “That’s my head.”

So it goes on and on. It’s senseless and directionless and it hardly ever goes anywhere, this banter. But I love it, it’s better than when she isn’t talking to me. When the car is silent and she sits at the back, brooding and ignoring me. Those days I feel

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lost and I miss her and wish she would say something, anything; hell even hit me over the head with a magazine. Your child can evoke such deep and alien feelings in you, such profound feelings that will horrify you by their ability to draw out your vulnerability.

But here is the thing, her school is one of those schools where when you pull over a staff member runs and opens your car door, retrieves her from the car and walks her to her class. I really love that, if they scrapped that I would pay extra in her fees to have it back. It makes me feel that they find her as important as I do. Yes, we long certified that I’m superficial. Anyway normally just before she steps out, she stands up, leans between the seats, holds the back of neck awkwardly with her small adorable hands and quickly kisses me on the left cheek before disembarking.

Now my little girl is a sloppy kisser, which is understandable because (thankfully) she only has her dad to practice on hehehehe. So when she kisses me, she normally leaves some saliva on my cheek. Here is a part you guys won’t understand at all. When I drive out of her school I’m normally deeply fixated on that speck of saliva on my cheek. Conscious of it. Deeply so. Almost obsessed with it. I never wipe it off. I leave it there; feeling it, feeling that side of my cheek grow breezy when the wind blows on it. Feeling her lips there; small, soft and innocent, lips that I helped create which in essence makes them my lips puts me in a place of pride. And so for the moment before it all dries up (and it does very quickly) that saliva becomes a staggeringly large metaphor of fatherhood for me. And these seemingly trivial and intangible moments define what being a father to me. And they are many as they are poignant.

I’m writing this because a friend of mine is expecting a baby in five months. Or rather his girlfriend is. And he’s anxious. No, he’s freaking scared. So scared that he swears he sometimes hears a baby crying. I assured him that can only stop when he goes easy on the weed. Anyway we had a lengthy online chat last week, with me making him see the cool side of fatherhood and him trying not to pee in his pants. A grim chat. It felt like I was convincing him to donate his kidney. In short he feels he’s not ready to be a father even though he’s turning 32yrs in Dec. I laughed when he told me that. Anybody who can wear a condom in darkness is ready for fatherhood. I’m just saying. He feels like his “freedom” will be curtailed, he feels that he will lose his single friends, he feels he will stop being “cool”, he feels he’s screwed. In short, he told me the timing sucked and he was thinking of bailing. Yes, take for the hills and never come back down.

I figure there are many like him out there, fathers in waiting. Young. Dreamy. Scared. Clueless. Anxious. Lost. I figured that a little tender story like the one I have shared up there might give them the strength not to flee before the EDD (Expected Date of Delivery). Thing is nobody is ever ready for fatherhood. Fatherhood is mostly thrust at us. That’s the truth. No guy sits in a bar and says, in March ama make her pregnant. I’m yet to meet a guy who admits that he had a roadmap for fatherhood. If you are a father in waiting and you have gone through those dull lamaz classes but still feel anxious, I have a message for you. You are screwed. Hehehe, no I’m kidding. You will be fine. You really will be.

The one major consolation is that the bar on fatherhood is so regretfully low that all you need is to apply yourself a little more and you will be seen as a good father against the societal yardstick. So Danny boy, keep your shorts on, there are a few things scarier than fatherhood. I can’t think of any now, but I’m sure they are there.

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83 Comments
  1. That’s a lucky little girl right there. And true, the bar for fatherhood is low, so right now you are like batman, he is the number one hero, right?

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  2. Another plus is every man gets to be a superhero in their little one’s eyes, Superman’s got nothing on fathers, good fathers that is.

  3. We forget sometimes that its da small brief moments of affection that are themost profound! Luvly piece-ur daughter is lucky to have you! says:

    Your daughter is lucky to have you

  4. Such a lovely piece. My maternal instincts have awakened. Damn you Biko, now I want a child so so bad… 🙂 *sigh*

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  5. Fatherhood is a myth, I have seen kids being flaunted by their fathers and they have no clue what it pertains. Hope this is not for the show.

  6. Very interesting post ma guy, am not yet looking forward to the experience since my brothers say baby mamas come with lots of drama and I have no heart for that.

  7. Am 30 now. This post took me down the memory lane when dad could walk me to school. To all the worthy fathers out there, keep it up.

  8. Your friend should MAN UP.

    If he thought he wasn’t ‘ready for fatherhood’ he would have abstained in the first place.

    ‘Safe sex’ is a contradiction in terms.

  9. What a lovely piece. Any father would attest to this. It is a tribute to all fathers. I am tempted to post a link to my daughter – closer to her birthday. She is a bit older than 3 now but she is still Her Royal Highness in my eyes.

  10. Lovely piece, wish my baby dadyy woukld read this….ran for the hills the minute he found out. Point is fatherhood is a gift and to all who bolt for the door, you have no idea what you are missing.

  11. I can tell you whats scarier than fatherhood… childbirth!!! To all the good fathers out there especially those raising the boy child (a very endangered specie) Kudos!!

  12. I used to have those conversations with my dad too. Philosophical debates over Coke and peanuts in car every evening. Sigh.

  13. i envy you i think, i wish i got to see my son as much, in fact i think its been months. But fatherhood is a complex issue, n though i take care of the financial responsibilities due to him, which is a lot by the way, i feel like im failing because i rarely get to see him. But you are right on one thing, none of us plans to be fathers, we usually have it thrust unexpectedly at us. But it doesn’t kill us, we take one day at a time and hope that the end product will be worth it.

  14. I heard that you only allow comments that make you look good since you are an “angel”, no flaws, short-comings and all the humanly things we all go through. Apparrently the Management reserves the right of admission.

    My question is how do you improve if all you want to hear is the “good” stuff from your female fans?? You are a guy and a nairobi one so we all know there’s something out there…

    You have mega talent for sure, noone can take that away from you.

    1. Edna, for the Nth time, I will say this, once a upon a time I didn’t moderate comments and it turned sour very quickly. A few weeks ago I read somewhere that my blog is read only by my relatives and friends who shower me with praises. Idle talk. One thing is clear though, if you write something distasteful here, something crude, something I feel is not fair to me or the people close to me, I won’t even think twice about deleting it. That’s non negotiable.

      If i write something here which you don’t find palatable, well comment with a complaint but please be decent about it.

      But most importantly I’m not an angel, from it and anybody who knows me will tell you that. I have massive flaws and weaknesses as a man, and i never alluded otherwise.

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    2. Edna I am sure Biko can fight his own battles, but may I just say your accusation on this ocassion is misplaced. All you have to do is read the comments from his earlier posts&you will quickly realise Biko takes the praise with the trashing. Example, read the comments from An Antelope, A breast and a baby.

  15. I think guys just idealize fatherhood, at least I do. So you want all these things in place, then you’l “be ready”…
    But still needs a level of preparedness to be able to offer your child the best. Other than that, I’d imagine it to be fulfilling.

  16. Last week you asked Josaya for a day’s time out. I hazard a guess you folks met and somehow he managed to rub on you his affection for his precocious Pudding; whence this slice of fatherhood 101. Biko I am not a father, but I’ll be walking the aisle soon. However, I am trully worried. Very worried. However low the bar for fatherhood is, not many are making the jump. Consequently, we have these mohawked ditzes and these failed-to-launch goons with hair braids strutting the landscape as if disco-lights are the perfect background illumination for stable livelihood and bend-over is a universal mating rite. I am afraid, I’ll be raising such. Jesus said- (and here I’m taking a big risk in assuming you do Jesus, you hardly talk of him yet your by-line speaks of your interest in life. Life without Jay-sus?! Eh!)- kids’ angels have unhindered access to God’s control room. So we can’t mess them anyhowly and not expect repercussions. But the namby-pamby mollycoddling stretch we’ve hit today ain’t the benchmark for quality parenting. I just hope your daughter grow up to know that life owes her no favour and fair is not a weaning cereal. Just as I also hope that I will overcome my pre-paternity jitters. Oh, would to God we all loved our kids with all their bothersome baggages of growing up! Good read.

  17. Awwwwww…….

    This post also speaks to women who are afraid they may not possess those maternal instincts that we are supposedly born with.

  18. That conversation up there brought back sweet memories of my little nieces.
    Once again Biko thanks for making my Monday.

  19. I take the same walk with my son eash Morning..to the School Van..nothing beats that walk..I maybe late but i will make time..Good piece..feel inspired to get back to blogging.

  20. Juz got a baby gal jana and ave bn staring at her foto the whole day. Tell ur frd that the joy of fatherhood is ineffable but the responsibilities are also immense the thing is being able to find that balance and appreciate it, that makes a mature dad.

  21. “I don’t listen to lady gaga” That cracked me up senseless! But it was a really sweet story. Hope she reads it some day when she’s old enough!

  22. Biko, a word of encouragement……people say all manner of things like Edna up there, but then again that’s her opinion or is it hear say?????? But the truth of the matter is you are good at what you do, you are a literary genius! and no one can take that away from you! so take heart and keep blogging coz some of us really cant have enough of your writing!

  23. @ B and Kikuyu Chic, Biko can fight his own battles. You two are the type who get Edna and her likes countering your comments and getting the whole thing ugly. I believe your comments should be on the post and not others comments so as to keep the unnneccesary stuff out of the picture. Biko has all the weaknesses we men have and that’s his business. Biko my opinion which I hope will not warrant a counter remark from these young chics is do your thing and keep it real. Your blog is the SHIT!!!

  24. I hope you’ll travel soon. Travel posts really bring out the best in you. Can you do something on how to keep your man or woman. Something steamy and sexy if possible….Knickers 😉

  25. Good article….I remember being quite scared the first time I become a father but a few years later, I can’t imagine life without my daughters. It is natural to get freaked out the first time and I am sure once your friends holds his baby in his hands, he will be transformed….again, maybe not.

  26. anybody who can wear a condom in darkness is ready for fatherhood and that’s damn ugly and bitter truth…

  27. @ Emma, clearly you havent read all the posts there is one about who a real man is, about women and also about Knickers, all great pieces!

  28. 2Kerry. I have clearly read them and read ALL the posts not really…. Some don’t resonate with me some do and as I clearly put it travel posts are my thing.

  29. i have a nephew who has reached the supposed terrible two’s… lets just say i have never felt so old and tired in my life (my age, however, depicts me as a young vibrant female) but even through all that madness, i have never imagined life without that little boy and i do not want to. tell your pal the UGLY days are coming… but they are worth it.
    awesome read!!

  30. @ Timoth, you are so funny…hahahahaha. These young chics seem to be the ones who comment and all they do is play around with Biko’s ego. Biko what is the age profile of your female readers 15-23years??? You will need to attract the mature mamas as well at some point…
    Good article.

  31. I am an expectant father and I can’t wait for EDD, especially after a failed one last year. I am scared though but the little joys that will follow will make it worthwile I am sure.

  32. Good stuff, Biko!
    I especially loved this line…
    “Now my little girl is a sloppy kisser, which is understandable because (thankfully) she only has her dad to practice on hehehehe.”

  33. I was with you until you lost me on your pal being scared because his girlfriend is expecting. I am a single mom because my baby daddy bailed on me. Scared? Really?? You have any idea what a pregnant woman goes through in the first three months of pregnancy? And after that the anxiety of the EDD? Who doesn’t know what a nightmare giving birth is? And not to mention the stigma of having a baby out of wedlock (woe unto you if you are a ‘church person’). And we do it with our heads held high. We have the morning sickness, we add the weight and we push. And it is every bit worth it. And what do guys do? Worry that they’ll no longer be considered cool. Your pal should just grow a pair or bail. This is big stuff. You don’t do it half hearted.

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  34. If what he is scared of is not looking cool in front of his pals or that he is ‘only ‘ 32, then he has no business fathering a child. Besides,if he is worried, then the girlfriend must be extremely depressed!
    Nice post,though

  35. @ nikittacole, thanks for saying it as you have. I have three friends raising kids by themselves because of “men” like biko’s pal. I have a useless man who leaves with me and does shit for me and the kids. Given a choice right now I woukd rather be a single mom than be married to a man who doesn’t satify me sexual as he comes in less than a minute and because he thinks he’s hot flirts with all female species over the age of 12years….has no conversation with me about anything, even politics that can make a couple talk.

    He says he married me because I got pregnant and I was silly to have settled as we are not compatable..bascally am oil and he’s H2O.

    Biko’s pal’s chic should raise the baby with or without him with her head raised up no need to settle and regret the next 10 to 20 years of her life with someone who she’s with just because they have a baby together, I would know.

  36. @Lorna, I feel you and wish you all the best with your kids. Enjoy your life and don’t bank on that man for your happiness. One minute man is not worth your time gal!!!!

  37. I feel you Lorna, I have come across a one minute woman as well, not pleasant at all…..ok let me give her some credit a possible three minute lady…no pleasure or joy at all….plain boring and I rarely look forward to going home.

  38. Having a baby with a guy doesn’t mean shit and one doesn’t have to marry a man just because they have a child together. What happened to COMPATABILITY for christ’s sake!!!!!!!! A man who marries you because he has a child with you will never love you in totallity.

  39. fatherhood is just grand….i don’t know why folks are afraid of it when all you need is to try

    http://www.mwakenya.net/apps/blog/show/6342871-what-happened-to-the-kenyan-man-

  40. Too much information from your reader…..get yourself a luo man sister and all your problems will be taken care of, PAP!!!

    1. Really miss my dad when I read such beautiful pieces about fatherhood!
      I celebrate his memory!

  41. That little tender story certainly served its purpose of romanticizing the notion of fatherhood. But I’m not falling for it bro. It remains categorized under looong term in my life’s to-do list. Otherwise you’ve got great talent as a writer. Cheers..

  42. I thought that my child was the only one who says lolli, good to know he’s not alone. 🙂
    Thanks Biko for the post.

  43. Great piece…chances are she might forget this when she starts kissing boys (relax, I know people who know awesome places to burry their poor bodies) but you won’t, thats the gift of parenting..the memories your kid(s) leaves you with…

  44. I only began reading Biko’s blog recently and i must say i am hooked ,especially to the Fatherhood blog .

    You have inspired me in a way i cannot even describe .

    I have always wanted to write and i believe by reading more of your stories ,I will get there .

    I love you in a very respectful way 🙂

  45. now i miss my munchkins…..their small plump palms when i hold them as we walk…….ebu nilog out i go home now now.

  46. Biko…. i read this post again 5 years later and it’s still as beautiful as when you 1st wrote it. I’m a daddy’s girl and you reminded me of those days my daddy would drive us to school and reading books and newspaper articles with him in the evening. Nothing beats having a good relationship with your dad and i wish all Kenyan men would know this before they bail. Now, where do I get me a Luo man like you???

  47. At least your friend wanted to find out what fatherhood entails though he was terrified. He went out of his way to do research and prepared himself!
    The father of my daughter walked away at a crucial time, didn’t give a hoot and when I gave birth up until a couple months ago, it was my problem…nappies, immunizations, school trips..the whole shebang….after all didn’t I keep the baby?
    Well, now he realizes he is a father. Now he’s ready to take responsibility, now he calls and let’s his child know he loves her.
    I feel so sorry for him. Our daughter is 10!!! She is almost a teenager!! He missed all the highlights, her development, all those years and opportunities to bond, or to have a salivary kiss down the drain.
    Now he wants to make everything right. He travels frequently to Nairobi. Saw what a lovely country Kenya is. Got my mum’s contacts, called her. Said he’ll arrange a meeting. I feel sorry because knowing the kind of man he is, he’s probably so terrified of that meeting, and I won’t tell him my mum’s a sweet mature lady who will be civil unlike me who’s constantly throwing hostile barbs.
    What on earth would he say to a woman whose daughter he made preggies and abandoned for ten full years in a foreign land!!!? Does one offer a compensation or some sort of dowry for the inconvenience?
    I feel so sorry because I’m watching all his moves with some bit of comic relief. Because I’m comfortable with my home set-up and I’m averse to anyone trying to fit himself into our lives belatedly and his attempts to disrupt our family dynamic. Because I’m quite done with men behaving badly and covering up for them for the sake of community. Mostly because he turned me into a cynic. So I’m asking questions. Like, why now? Why after seeing Kenya and loving the country? Why not five years back while he lived in Europe? It all smirks of opportunism. Guys that play the second fiddle, and expect to be welcomed back and everything swept under the rug. Life doesn’t work that way…and I just want him to pull in his weight financially. Sweet words of endearment or apologies never put food on the table, and it is nauseating when it’s overdone. I’m like I get it, he is sorry..now is there a plan in place for alimony? When does it begin? That’s what I want to hear but wapi..someone is wasting time with too much talk.

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