Tamms Diary

bikozulu

One day the Missus said, “Did you know Tamms keeps a diary?” I said, “Yes, the school diary for homework.” She said “No, like a private diary that she writes her own stuff in.” I said, “No, but that’s nice.” Then she said, “You should read what she writes about her best friends…” and I said, “Whoa, wait a minute, you read her diary?” She looked at me ludicrously and said, “Uhm, yes?”

“Are you shittin’ me?”

“Language.”

“Are you kidding me? Why would you do that?”

“What?”

“You can’t read her diary!”

“Yes, I can, I’m her mother!”

“Oh so that comes with a license to read her private thoughts, because you are her mother?”

“She’s 8 years old! What private thoughts do you think she has?”

“Of course she has private thoughts. Otherwise they wouldn’t be in a diary, would they? And if she wanted you and the rest of the world to know her thoughts, she would have made a mixtape!”

“It’s absolutely harmless stuff, just thoughts of a little girl, stuff to do with her friends and her brother and school…”

“Yes, private things. Even 8-year olds are people who would prefer it if their diaries were not read! If you are reading her shit now, I doubt you will stop when she is 15!”

“Don’t be dramatic, mothers read their daughters diaries all the time. My mom read mine. And Tamms will read her daughter’s, it’s how the cycle of motherhood works. If something is going on with her, I need to know.”

“If you think something is going on with her, maybe you should ask her.”

“And she will tell me? I can prevent many things from happening as long as I’m in the loop…”

“That is despicable. Truly and utterly despicable. ”

“Please.”

“And low. Truly and utterly low.”

“Oh please.”

“One day she will discover you read her diary, she will go to bed and have an epiphany…then she will write things that you want to read.”

“When that day comes I will know.”

“Because John the Baptist was your relative?”

“Because I’m a mother.”

Later, it occurred to me; if she is reading a diary belonging to an 8-year old then imagine what she would do with a diary belonging to a 38-year old! Damn, I thought, surely she must be reading my shit too! She must be reading everybody’s shit. Our phones and iPads and laptops weren’t secure anymore. So I changed all my passwords from Ginene1987 to something with an exclamation mark. I then looked around the house for hidden cameras. Then I made a mental note to go online and find out who sells those gizmos for sweeping a room for bugs in case my car is bugged. Have you ever felt that your car is bugged? Come on, you must have. Finally I hid my own diary.

You know, nobody starts a diary so that the whole world can read it. You start a diary so that you can entomb (love that word, I could have used “preserve” but then what will accountants use?) your thoughts. I think Tamms one day sat in the car while she was being dropped to school and thought, “You know what I need? I need a diary. I need somewhere I can write about the things that I’m most passionate about; like dolls. And cake. And social studies. And Nickelodeon.” So she got one, a fancy-ass one with Sophia the cartoon character on the cover. Rather, her mom got it for her. They went to buy books and she helped her pick it. Do you see the level of betrayal building here? Do you see the big setup? Can you see the kiss of Judas in this narrative?

I have seen the book around the house once or twice but I never thought it was a diary. It’s not like she keeps it hidden, this diary of hers. Why would she anyway, when she thinks she lives with trustworthy people who would not read her diary? When you have a mom who is catholic you wouldn’t think she would read your diary right? You are wrong. Mother’s cross the line all the damn time brandishing their motherhood immunity in the faces of moral police.

My mom was SDA and she was nosy as hell, oh she would read your diary without missing a beat. Hell, she would add a few lines of her own in your diary if she wanted to. But I don’t know why Catholics just don’t seem like people who would read your diary. In fact, I wonder what the Pope would say about this. I really do. Does the Pope condone parents reading their children’s diaries? Hell, what do Mavuno people think about this? Pastor Wa, please tell us.

I will be honest, since the conversation came up, I have secretly wondered what is in that damn diary myself but I’m not a mother and therefore do not have the right certification, so I have resisted the temptation. So far. Whenever I see it lying about I avoid looking at it directly. But I wondered. What does she write about in there? I don’t care about her best friends and school stuff or stuff on TV or her favourite music or what she thinks about her teacher’s hairstyle. I don’t care about any of that. What I care about is if there is something in there about a boy. Oh, that’s eating me. I think I deserve to know that. I think I deserve to know if there is a boy she writes about because really there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief. I need to know. If there is a boy, I need to know how to deal with him. I need a plan. I think father’s with daughters are allowed that, surely. If there is a mention of a boy in that diary I will need the father’s number and I will need to call him and get dialogue out of the way first before I consider abduction and /or waterboarding.

Hi, is this Baba Ian?

Yes, it is. Who is this?

My name is Biko. My daughter Tamisha and your son go to the same school.

Oh, fabulous! We have never met, have we?

(You know a conversation will go south when you speak to a man who says things like ‘fabulous’)

Fortunately, no, we haven’t met.

Don’t you mean unfortunately?

No, I mean fortunately. Anyway, I wanted to find out if you know that your son has developed what I would call an unhealthy obsession towards my daughter.

Excuse me?

Yes, and I want you to ask him to get his foot off that pedal –

Whoa whoa whoa! Hold up. How do you know all this? Are you in the same class with them?

[Haha. Good one, but I won’t laugh.]

I know all this because I read it in her diary.

You read your daughter’s diary??

The mom started it! She’s Catholic.

Look I don’t know what you are talking about. My son Ian is a well-adjusted child who never misses Sunday school, has accepted Christ early in his life and is very well behaved at home. He even keeps a rabbit so he’s very responsible…

The same rabbit he told my daughter he would love nothing better than to turn it into broth?

Broth? My son never uses words like broth!

What’s his favorite word, ‘fabulous’?

Sigh. He told your daughter that he would like to turn the family pet into soup?

That’s what the diary said.

Bullshit.

Ask him.

[Out of the earshot I hear him call out “Iaaan! Come down here!” followed by the sound of tiny footsteps bounding down and then I hear the father say, “Do you know a girl called Tamisha?”]

Yeah, she is my classmate.

Are you guys friends?

No.

You are not friends?

No. I don’t even like her. She has a forehead.

[Little lying shithead…apart from the forehead bit.]

Don’t say that Ian, nobody chooses their forehead. It’s God who gives foreheads. Did you tell her that you want to cook Kinkie?”

No!!!! Of course not. I’d never say that.

Are you sure, Ian, remember what I told you about lying?

I promise I never said that! I love Kinkie!
(His voice cracks like he is about to cry, such an actor).

OK, I believe you, now go back upstairs and play.

He comes back on phone and says, “Your daughter is mistaken.”

She isn’t. She wouldn’t lie about something like that. Wait, you call your rabbit Kinky?

Yes, with an “ie” at the end, not a “y”

Who gave her that name?

Ian.

The same Ian?

Yes.

This is the same kid you say loves Jesus as his savior? You don’t find it odd that an 8-year old would name his rabbit Kinky?

Not if it’s with an “ie” at the end.

You know what, watch that boy, that’s all I have to say. We don’t want something mysterious happening to him, do we? We don’t want him leaving Sunday school and turning into a pillar of salt, do we now? And please pass my regards to Kinky – with an “ie” at the end.”

And I hang up before he can say anything else.

Girls grow up too fast. It’s a bit scary. Tamms’s legs are getting longer. Her ass is starting to come out. She speaks like an adult. And she asks questions. Questions that are becoming harder to answer. The other day she asked for something and I said, “Let’s weigh our options,” and she asked, “What are options?” How do I explain what options are?! (Safaricom, over to you). Of course an ‘option’ is a ‘choice’, but when you are asked by a child and you have two seconds to give an answer, all you can come up with is a bunch of uhhms and eers.

TV now has a lot of blonde haired princesses kissing blond haired princess and I’m afraid when she is 12 years old she will stop thinking boys are silly. I like this point when she thinks boys are silly. I think boys are silly too. Utterly and completely silly. I wish boys remained silly for a long, long time. But one day she will be 15 years old and will hopefully be a well-adjusted lady (if she never discovers that the one person she trusted most in the world READ her diary), and she will put too much weight on whether or not boys find her attractive, fun or beautiful. Maybe she will obsess about her knees. Or her eyebrows. She will think she isn’t beautiful enough and she will think the true definition of beauty is to have knees that aren’t as “bony” as hers. You take them to decent schools in the hope that their confidence will be built so much that they won’t pay heed to their knees then boom, they lock themselves up in their rooms because their knees are not as shaped as they want them to be shaped.

And now they are writing diaries at 8. And having their mothers read their private musings over their shoulders because, what, they might be tempted to join ISIS? All mothers who cross the line should be brought to book, and I suspect there are a ton of mothers out there who cross the line daily. Mothers who go through their daughter’s phones and mothers who hide in thickets outside their schools to see if some old rich man from Ongata Rongai will pick them up in a darkened car. They say they do it out of love. Thieves also steal out of love – for money.

I say lock them up. All of them. Lock them up and put them in a cell and hand them their own diaries so that they can write down their reflections on trust.

I’m going to post this and when it goes live I will be in Addis. And we all know that if you want to plunge in obscurity, in a dark hole where internet hasn’t reached, go to Addis.

Tags

319 thoughts on “Tamms Diary”

  1. Victor says:

    Number one.

    • Make me understand why people want to be the first ones to comment. Isn’t that like fighting for a set next to the driver ndio ufike mbele ya wengine? Haya and then those chaps that rush to comment then go back to read the post what are commenting on? Aren’t you the guys who spot a fight and immediately jump in then after all the blows and whatever you then ask why you were fighting? Ni hayo tu kwa sasa 🙂

      • 90ShadesofMe says:

        thank you for making my morning

      • roba says:

        I like your line of thought

      • Chonaa says:

        And your comment has so much to do with the post today…. Right….

      • If you are Blogger World A, then you know that
        the first to comment position is the most coveted.
        Why? Because everyone who reads the
        post will also read your comment, so it
        is like getting your 15 minutes of
        fame. If you are rushing to comment
        and the only thing you are getting out of it
        is an ego boost, then you are in
        Blogger world Z. Because those who are in
        Blogger World A make money whenever they are first
        to comment, like Magunga. You comment first and
        promote/market whatever it is you are selling and
        get people to go check out your site by including
        links of your blog. Now you know :-).

        • Hillary says:

          eish…yawa. ni kweli lakini, na sisemi kitu

        • Maguga says:

          Nice theory you have there. May be true for some, but not me. The only reason I am always (among) the first to comment is because I am the one who puts up the posts. I take no satisfaction in you seeing my comments first, that is why you never see me saying “First to comment”.

          Yeah, I share links a number of times, but I can never share anything that is completely unrelated to what Biko has written; be it about books, body massage and high schools. Guest commenting is all about developing conversation, sharing experiences – a very normal blogging phenomenon that predates even me. Both here, on bikozulu, and other fora.

          So you want me to post and wait for twenty minutes before saying what I have to say? If this was my full-time job, yeah, I would, but unfortunately I also have other things to do. Especially rent to pay. Last week I received screenshots of people talking shit about me here, saying all kind of things. Now here is the deal, anyone who feels like they want to take over from me, so that I spare you this tirade of first comments, can request Biko to fire me. Perhaps send in a application. I will gladly hand over.

  2. Maguga says:

    Wait till she gets older and gets a blog, and since she will be scared of you finding it, she will use some weird name (like Kinkie 2002 or something). Or worse yet, wait till she gets to campus. That is when you will get a mental hernia. Not that I have a daughter in campo. Hapana. I have just seen daughters in campo.

    • simuli says:

      Truth. Bitter truth

    • TheBlackKennedy says:

      Biko biro negi omera…..
      You want to give chocolate man a
      forehead (read “heart”)attack.

    • Wanjuhi says:

      Magunga. The books offered at the Magunga Bookstore are more expensive than Amazon!! Especially for Kindle version. I was excited to buy books from your website until I made the price comparisons. What gives!? BTW I couldn’t find the feedback tab hence the reason I am posting this here

      • Maguga says:

        Boss, I do not sell ebooks. They are physical copies. And yeah, this is not my forum, so call me on 0703138039 and point out to me which books you are talking about.

    • oria oginga says:

      hahahahahahahahaha…ati she will develop a mental hernia….as for daughters in campus….well let us just leave it there

  3. harry says:

    tamms diary……

  4. Irene Wambui Odhiambo says:

    Ginene1987!!! Hahahahahaha!

    Biko you are truly special!!!

    Who does that?

  5. Khachina says:

    Haha… I have the bad habit of reading through shit too.

  6. faith says:

    My Fix…..shivers..readying the brain…my Tuesday/Thursday Drug…

  7. Mukami says:

    Diary of an eight year old…my mother went through my handbag when I was twenty two! And she’s Catholic! Fantastic read

  8. Lol (@NginaOkeyo) says:

    So I changed all my passwords from Ginene1987 to something with an exclamation mark.DEAD!

  9. Afro says:

    People out there raising hyena’s for sons, with stronger teeth?

  10. Franklin says:

    I kept a diary once. Now I believe for men that’s self-water boarding.
    Lovely read

  11. Emmah Njoroge says:

    I too will read and make notes on my babies’ diary. Mother’s got the liberty…

  12. Lydia says:

    Hehehe Biko Biko Biko….I fear for you coz Tamms will call Addis police to “lock you up and put you in a cell and hand you your own diary so that you can write your own reflection on asking for forgiveness…” hehehehe

  13. @clif_the_tall says:

    I think I deserve to know if there is a boy she writes about because really there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief.Hahaha! That one killed me…

    Ginene ? Who makes ginene their password? LOL.

    Nice read boss.

  14. Haha, accountants have plenty of words to choose from

  15. Wanjiru says:

    No Biko…. I’m sitting at the hospital laughing out loud people think I’m insane. Hilarious. I’m only halfway through and can’t contain myself

  16. Jen says:

    Kweli umewashwa to post this early!

  17. Lynder says:

    My dad once read my diary..I never wrote one again till I turned 21…There’s always a feeling of betrayal when you find out that your mum or worse still your dad read your diary.
    Nice read as always

  18. Nickos says:

    Ooh Men. That conversation with Baba Ian just killed me.

  19. Shaltuti says:

    I deserve to know if there is a boy she writes about because really there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief. I die day made.

  20. Anon says:

    Awesome read, musings of a concerned Father… Biko the Missus will skin one of these fine days, be warned lol

  21. Risper says:

    Hehehehehe! I have a 3year old daughter, and i’m once she’s ready to have a diary i will buy and it will be ours: for her to write and hide, and for me to find and read. What moral police??? Fantastic read Biko. Day made

  22. Aisha says:

    “I think you daughter is mistaken”,she never can be mistaken, she’s as beautiful as her name. Hold your horses baba Ian Tamisha is beauty with brains and is following on her daddy’s footsteps, soon she will be a blogger and you will take back your words.

  23. Berbatov says:

    entomb (love that word, I could have used “preserve” but then what will accountants use?) Shots fired*****

  24. Shakobo says:

    Nice read as always…Raising a gal in this generation is hard work, you are insecure when she’s 8 year I wonder if you’ll trust anything she says or does when she turns 12. All the best Biko as you abstain from reading her dairy, no temptation is bigger than us

  25. Wambui Ndirangu says:

    Hahaha. Am Catholic and a mother. Need I say more? Nice read

  26. Anne says:

    You remember when you said ” your mother will break your heart?” I am sure you didn’t mean it like this

  27. Ben says:

    JaKendu you are really smart. And on the options thing, leave Bob alone baba. The mothers out there got it, leave those diaries alone.

  28. jane says:

    Biko,all mothers who read their daughters’ stuff should be PUT in a cell not forever though just for an hour or less.When I was 10,my mum punished me then i wrote a poem about it then a day or so later she found it and we audited that poem word for word then i was punished again (for the poem) since that day Biko (using the tone of guys who call Maina Kageni…haha)I have never had the courage to write anything. And to think i could have been Maya … ONE DAY I WILL WRITE!!

    • faith says:

      since that day Biko (using the tone of guys who call Maina Kageni I likeee

    • Grace says:

      Lol! (using the tone of guys who call Maina Kageni…haha)

    • Grace says:

      Lol! ‘..(using the tone of guys who call Maina Kageni…haha)..’

    • Jennipher says:

      Oh Jane, hilarious. you should write again

    • Lorus says:

      Jane, when I was 10 too, I found some pink lace fabric and hand made myself a skirt. It was a skirt with about 3 layers of the lace, so it was not heavily see-through. I had never been taught any sort of sewing before and this was completely just instinctive. I was so proud of myself and put it on happily to show my Mom. Guess what? I forgot to put a slip on. I got the kichapo of a lifetime for not putting on a kamisi. The effort and creativity of making the skirt was lost in kamisi-gate. (yes, I had undies on, so it was not like it was the most scandalous thing in the world). I never thought of sewing or any crafting again for the next 25 years. One day when I was 35, I walked into a store, saw a sewing machine and bought it on a whim, and now can sew anything, even coats for the fun of it. Who knows what would have happened if that simple creativity had been nurtured? Coco Chanel, perhaps? You know what I still haven’t have the courage to sew? A simple pink lace skirt!

  29. Tesha says:

    Hahaha… Thieves also steal out of love – for money 🙂

  30. topo says:

    hahaha..
    seems tams is going to give you a heart attack

  31. tweety says:

    good read as always.mothers will always be mothers.sigh!!!

  32. Jessica says:

    he…he…he… Biko you are hilarious! eti does the pope condone people reading others’ diaries and pastor wa? of mavuno? who is pastor wa? and your mum would add her own lines in the diary 🙂 🙂 he..he..he…

  33. Ug_ says:

    Raising daughters… i wonder if the biggest fear is that they’ll meet the kind of boys we were, or that all boys are the same…
    musings of a father.

  34. Jennifer says:

    Mothers and nosiness!! I did not keep a diary until I was 23 and living on my own. This is a fantastic read!

  35. Jenn says:

    Let me comment then run back to read..lol

  36. Eve says:

    When you come back from Adhis….eerrr Addis make sure you bring with you those fancy Ethiopian hand-woven fabrics and textiles to appease the gods of Mama Tams. We never forget! A week from now she will be raging…hell, 10yrs from now she will still be seething that you posted this in the light of day and went MIA to Addis!

    • ole-T says:

      i Imagine:
      Biko: mama tums, you didn’t read my mail, and now sms. iko shida?
      Mama Tams: Nangoja Tams aandike kwa diary niisomee huko.
      Biko: eh-

  37. VioAnne says:

    Wololo! She has your DNA (writing included)…and working backwards from Pretty Boy (as reposted) and read with much giggling, I too would like to read that diary!
    PS: Rabbit was on the menu yesterday…glad I didn’t have it in case it was a real of Kinky “with an ie”!

  38. Ong'era says:

    This was one of the best.. Mother never change, they will read your diary and check your phone. No privacy.

  39. githinji mwaniki says:

    expectations of a catholic mother. Am surprised you haven’t read that diary yourself.
    On this, I’ll let curiosity eat you up, I know if you keep seeing that diary around the house, it will creep up and take over, and you won’t write about that…

    • Mr Nduta says:

      Yeah, He is better off burning it rather than reading it.

      He will just get a heart attack if he reads the diary and discovers that Tamms is writing nasty things about there shared forehead

  40. Muremba says:

    He he he……well written, but I will tell you as a mother I will snoop in my teenage daughter’s business like a bad rash…..heck I want to know when she goes to pee…..it’s not obsessive it’s simply making sure I know what she’s upto…..btw she will tell me what she thinks I want to hear….but guess what her phone has a password, her whatsup has a password……I will encode those passwords one of these days……I am worse than the KGB, CIA, FBI etc put together…..because I am a mother.

  41. Mukami says:

    Hahaha, waiting to do this also… My mum did it… Chain reaction and all

  42. byron timothy ouma says:

    This is the same kid you say loves Jesus as his savior? You don’t find it odd that an 8-year old would name his rabbit Kinky?

  43. Muthoni says:

    Just the other day I was thinking it’s been a while since Tamms made an appearance on the blog. You are hilarious
    http://www.treatsonabudget.co.ke/

  44. Linda says:

    Good post, it made my Tuesday..
    But, so now Tamms will eventually read this post on your blog and know that her parents read her diary! She will either read it today, next week or when she turns 15 or 20 or even 50..point is one day she will read this..This will be a shocking revelation to her, and the worst part is, she will not ask you guys about it immediately and it will haunt her for a while until when she can’t take it anymore and the only option she will have is to confront you…or better still resort to revenge by also reading your diaries and posting the secret thoughts here..only I will benefit from this drama…

  45. Laktar Ben says:

    Whoa…”fathers raising hyenas in the guise of sons…
    Biko!!! I regret not discovering this blog earlier..one of the things I really regret

  46. Kaumbuthu says:

    My mom was SDA and she was nosy as hell, oh she would read your diary without missing a beat. Hell, she would add a few lines of her own in your diary if she wanted to.
    haha, You nailed that one. My mum too

  47. Jen says:

    “My mom was SDA and she was nosy as hell, oh she would read your diary without missing a beat. Hell, she would add a few lines of her own in your diary if she wanted to.”

    I LOVE IT!!

  48. Mc says:

    The worst, is when your girlfriend reads your diary, and asks you of your campus ex, 10 years ago, when you didn’t even know that this bitch would ever exist!

  49. faith says:

    can’t wait to be a mum…. as always I’m awed!Great read.

  50. Biko are you that dramatic as seen in the first lines?

    These stories you write about Tamms are always hilarious. I hope when she grows up she‘ll know it’s God who chooses foreheads for His people.

    You write simple things in a great way. Salut!!

  51. eve says:

    I don’t even need to write a diary..my mother sees right through me

  52. Tim says:

    Given, I think it would be quite tempting to read my daughter’s diary as opposed to my son’s, and that’s because It’s damn true, men are raising hyenas for sons but thanks to the motherly instinct which we lack, Missus has every right to be on the defensive. It’s an innate thing with moms. Mine secretly read my diary till I left her house at 19. Morally, yeah, it doesn’t seem right, but let’s face it, TIA. This is Africa. You can’t sue your mamma for sneaking into your room when you’re away simply to try & find some clues on whether or not she gave birth to a hyena, let alone for reading your censored diary. It’s a thing we have to live with.
    http://nairobidailynews.com/stories/nostalgia/So dear Tamms,

  53. Rashid Mzee says:

    Of course, you can run to Addis or wherever but when you come back, you will still be reprimanded. Good read. I have to check if my eight year old also keeps a diary now!!!!

  54. Nzamsa Ree says:

    Never laughed so hard. Addis utatoka tu. And when you do, my friend you will probably sleep on the sofa.

  55. 13yearold says:

    My mum should see this. Going through my things,not cool at all.

  56. IGAD says:

    In Chinua Achebe’s A Man of the People, Odili receives a reply letter from Edna, his love interest. After analyzing the missive word by word (to estimate how strongly she felt about him), Odili discovered that in beginning the letter with ‘My Dear Odili’ instead of ‘My Dearest Odili’ the woman did not feel strongly about him. In his words …if interest was mutual the correct way would be for the woman to reply in the same degree of fondness or perhaps one grade lower—which in this case would be ‘My dear Odili’
    Now, I have read pretty much all your pieces here and on other platforms, and each time you mention your Lady of the Manor, you say the wife or the missus. I am not sure whether it is just me and Odili, but saying my wife/missus is the highest degree of fondness you can show when referring to such a special person.

    What’s your take, Biko?

  57. Njooro says:

    Well. Enjoy Addis. Am also waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  58. fyby says:

    tihihihihihihi
    i think i am the type to add extra lines to my daughters diary, coz i am my mother’s daughter:)

  59. Wakaniaru says:

    Hahahaha! Wait till she grows up and reads your blog, Ethiopia will be your home,permanently.And who actually calls a pet Kinkie?

  60. Patricia Ogaya says:

    I am a mother, and I am guilty as charged, and not afraid to say so. It is simply for the love.. You were right to change the password you know!!!! And in the thickets, we are there too! Wait till Next Gen Mafisi arrive…..

  61. Quintessential says:

    Ati are you in the same class with them?
    I don’t like her. She has a forehead.Chocolate man say hi across Eritrea
    Regards Mafisi Sacco#Ian

  62. Wanjugu Maina says:

    ….there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief….This has killed me.

  63. Erik says:

    Are you sure you haven’t laid your hands on that Diary? Great read as always. About Addis…hehe its not that bad Biko, someone is lying to you. Anyhu, karibu sana.

  64. mungai says:

    The conversation with Ian’s dad!!!! I have laughed so much.

    Thank you Biko.

  65. Nyangi says:

    “My mom was SDA and she was nosy as hell, oh she would read your diary without missing a beat. Hell, she would add a
    few lines of her own in your diary if she wanted to.” Hehehehe Like a BOSS!!!

  66. Wanjiku Ngure says:

    All Mum’s cross the line, I intend too 😉

  67. Suzanne says:

    Biko, you forget we Catholics have confession, so we can get away with just about anything ya? Plus being a mum guarantees a “get out of jail free” card, so the Missus reads it and they laugh about contents when Tamms is 25, you read it and its awkward from here on out … resist man!

  68. DB Cooper says:

    Are you in the same class with them? Asante sana Baba Ian.
    Ian(hyena loading): …..She has a forehead.

    While at Addis send our regards across Eritrea. Tell them we haven’t forgotten.

  69. simuli says:

    #hiding my face I bear

  70. Miss J says:

    Hahaha clearly good morning..

  71. Brenda says:

    hahaha my mother used to read my diary all the damn time up until I was 15.

  72. So Ginene1987? 🙂 That’s not very creative. I think if your missus wanted to find our your new password she can; they’re always that way. And btw I’m I the only one with one same password across the board? I mean one four digit and the other one kinuthiasmackdown911 that now I will change because all of you know? 🙂

  73. Mercy says:

    Ginene1987, that killed it for me. My mom is SDA she not only read my diary, she read my snail mail too. 🙂

  74. Ranji says:

    Ooooh my…they grow up so fast..

    Beautiful read.

  75. abdullah omar says:

    a fabulous read!

  76. DENNIS NJIRU says:

    One day Tamms will “grow up”. And like any ardent reader, she will want to read all your pieces. Then she will come across this one. And you shall be the snitch, GINENE

  77. sharon says:

    Hahahaha ‘kinky’ quite a name

  78. Tim says:

    Given, I think it would be quite tempting to read my daughter’s diary as opposed to my son’s, and that’s because It’s damn true, men are raising hyenas for sons but thanks to the motherly instinct which we lack, Missus has every right to be on the defensive. It’s an innate thing with moms. Mine secretly read my diary till I left her house at 19. Morally, yeah, it doesn’t seem right, but let’s face it, TIA. This is Africa. You can’t sue your mamma for sneaking into your room when you’re away simply to try & find some clues on whether or not she gave birth to a hyena, let alone for reading your censored diary. It’s a thing we have to live with.
    http://nairobidailynews.com/stories/nostalgia/

  79. Tony says:

    I feel so honored to be the first comment. All of my hard work and dedication has finally paid off. Getting the top comment has been a dream of mine for many years, and I would like to thank those who have helped me along the way. Next I would like to thank my parents. I want to thank my frnd Padricia the cat, for being really fat and always there for me. I would also like to thank my pet tadpol for surviving against all odds for over a week. Next I would like to thank the squirrel that lives in my backyard for climbing trees because that gives me inspiration that I need to get through the day. This is a special moment in my life and I would like to thank any of my unmentioned friends and family that have helped me along the way. This moment will be a moment that I will never forget. I just remmembered a few other people I would like to thank; facebook, the fish I caught in the third grade, my light in my room bc I wouldn’t be able to see the keyboard without it, the internet for letting me go on facebook, my house because without it I would be homeless, and last but not least I would like to thank all the people out there that actually took time out of their day to read this. I cannot stress how much of a big deal to me this is. I have been trying to be the first comment on a post for years, but that has not been possible until this amazing day. Hopefully my good luck will continue, but this is undoubtedly a rare occasion. If you asked me how I did this, I would say, you can achieve anything u set your mind on. To all the kids out there reading this, I would like to tell them to follow their dreams. Being the top comment is amazing, thank you everyone.

  80. Silverliniing says:

    haha I once sent my mum to post letters for me when I was in High school and she went typed all and sent. ..
    I never understood this move.I wouldn’t say she’s nosy.

  81. June says:

    Ginene1987 #bam!

  82. Lillian says:

    When I was in my teens, my stepdad read my diary..and tore a page where I had written sth interesting that was going on in our family then. How he knew where I was keeping the diary is still a mystery to date..
    And yes I agree..All mothers and fathers who read their children’s diaries should be locked up and in a cell and handed their own diaries so that they can write down their reflections on trust…

    I enjoy your articles Biko! Gave me a good laugh.

  83. Tim says:

    Given, I think it would be quite tempting to read my daughter’s diary as opposed to my son’s, and that’s because It’s damn true, men are raising hyenas for sons but thanks to the motherly instinct which we lack, Missus has every right to be on the defensive. It’s an innate thing with moms. Mine secretly read my diary till I left her house at 19. Morally, yeah, it doesn’t seem right, but let’s face it, TIA. This is Africa. You can’t sue your mamma for sneaking into your room when you’re away simply to try & find some clues on whether or not she gave birth to a hyena, let alone for reading your censored diary. It’s a thing we have to live with
    http://nairobidailynews.com/stories/nostalgia/

    • penina muchiri says:

      Moms are nosy… and we can’t apologize for that 🙂 My son will tell you this…in one of his TL posts he wrote “Only my Mom can get on my last nerve, but she’s the best” seeeee we rule. #Ipry

  84. Oscar says:

    on your way back, buy her a lockable diary and tell her a tale about locking private writings and documents and passwords etc… is that even a good idea!!!!

  85. Lilly says:

    When I was in my teens, my stepdad read my diary..and tore a page where I had written sth interesting that was going on in our family then. How he knew where I was keeping the diary is still a mystery to date..
    And yes I agree..All mothers and fathers who read their children’s diaries should be locked up and in a cell and handed their own diaries so that they can write down their reflections on trust…

    I enjoy your articles Biko! Gave me a good laugh.

  86. penina muchiri says:

    A mother will never miss an event in their kid’s life…hell No …!!! I never missed one!! We develop a 3rd eye when they’re in their teens. Inakubalishwa kwa KATIBA!!! I remember making out a big deal out of a verse in a song, I called the Aunty!! only to turn out it was a song 🙂 but that verse freaked me out…he’s now a 21yr old young man and well-behaved..My Tiger, My Champs… never given us one sleepless night. Good kids don’t happen, it is hard work. Let the mother read the diary. You will thank her one day 🙂

  87. Naima Omondi says:

    Thank you…..You make my days now that I don’t have a book….

  88. Rael says:

    You take them to decent schools in the hope that their confidence will be built … No, wrong..their confidence is built from home first then school, I assume she has your forehead 🙂 you keep talking about it so I have a mental picture…so, how good you make her feel about it from now or I guess earlier on..nothing will change that, not school, not the mafisi…because daddy said it’s beautiful the way it is… Good read, can’t wait to read my daughters diary too when that time comes ;)…I mean, I’m a mother. http://www.shesatomboy.com

  89. My 8-yr old asked to buy a diary and when we did, she got one with a key so I couldn’t read it. Sigh. One day I begged her to read it to me, and she did so. (Can’t remember what was in it, but there was nothing about boys) as she has recently turned nine…but I’m happy that at this season, she thinks that boys are gross, rude and stubborn, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with them. I keep informing her that no dates allowed now. When she is a teenager, a date will be allowed if myself and the mother of the said boy will be sitting at the next table…there will be cocoa and biscuits, but no holding hands and no kisses until she’s twenty…haha..

  90. Joy says:

    You know what, watch that boy, that’s all I have to say. We don’t want something mysterious happening to him, do we? We don’t want him leaving Sunday school and turning into a pillar of salt, do we now? …..Hahahaha!!!really Biko You better be at the airport.

  91. Lawrence says:

    ”[Haha. Good one, but I won’t laugh.]

    I know all this because I read it in her diary.

    You read your daughter’s diary??

    The mom started it! She’s Catholic.”
    Dead…lol!

  92. Haha brace your self for bikozulu 2.0 in a few years if not months…
    and mothers should be recruited in CID they do such a good job snooping!

  93. Nyarkoyugi says:

    Hahaha I don’t like her. She has a forehead. Ian is a lying shithead. Hahahaha. He would be the chairman of the future Generation Mafisi

  94. winniejt says:

    Good read … wondering if boys ever have diaries too!!! coz I had two diaries haha

  95. Eve says:

    And Tamms will grow up and read about the betrayal because she will not be in ISIS thanx to Ctholicicsm. Loool. Always a good read.

  96. Paul says:

    “Fabulous”read. A little liberal use of the apostrophe but whoa, if you are in the same class as Tamms… That nearly stopped my heart!!

  97. wanja says:

    The conversation with baba Ian !!hilarious…. Can’t wait to be a snoop!

  98. Evans Ogeto says:

    What a read. Btw our diaries belonged to our parents. Well as far as I‘m concerned..but Mothers. My Mum stopped some day when she found love letters from my girlfriend in between the pages plus a picture was inside (I will use it as a tbt someday). And she was Catholic btw.

    http://www.ogetoevans.wordpress.com

  99. Erickovic says:

    Missus will wait for you when you get back from Addis. And then she will be really really really mad. The two reallys from last year will be nothing!

  100. Lydiah says:

    I am 26 years old, and to date, my mother still reads my private thoughts if she can find them. That woman has absolutely no shame. The one time she figured the password on my phone, she actually read out loud in the sitting room, then she is like ‘ nani, who is Mr. So and So? Ati mnambiana mtaenda Kisumu? Kufanya nini? Amepewa permission na nani?’ Please note, my dad was seated right next to her. Since then, when i visit her, when my phone is always in my hands. For my sanity it has to be. Her Mantra, if its in her house, she has every right to know what is in it. Privacy? What sorcery is that!!!!

  101. Stellah says:

    This is not the only thing I got from the post though I just gotta ask. Biko are you suggesting your missus should be locked up….

  102. Em Shee says:

    ever since I discovered that my mum checks my purse, when I was 21, I have trust issues. she even used to check under my pillow! for what? a gun? mothers! but we had a real talk and she promised to stop, but you know mothers. so I never leave my secrets lying around anywhere. my secrets are in my head. I even burnt my diary in case she had a mission to get it

  103. sarah mwangi says:

    But Biko you’re just special. That Addis vibe is so true hahahaha

  104. feli says:

    I used to keep a diary since I was in class five
    and my mum read it when i was in form two.I used to hide it under the bed only private place in my home back then.One day I went back to school,
    boarding and she found it and read .She worried
    herself sick with some things she read and I felt
    violated and I was angry with her until much
    later in campus when I forgave her for violating
    my privacy. My aunt read my cousins diary and she shared what was in there with some of her
    sisters and it brought about such bad blood with her daughter not sure they will ever recover.

  105. Daliken says:

    …When you reading in class you don’t want to come across this line …. ” I think I deserve to know if there
    is a boy she writes about because really there are guys
    out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation
    Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even
    more mischief. I need to know. If there is a boy, I need
    to know how to deal with him.”

    the lecturer thinks i am laughing at his dry jokes

  106. Nick Ogola says:

    Hahaha Biko you should watch Black Jesus. Charlie Murphy plays the character Vic, who is obsessed with seeing mischief in every deed that ‘Jesus’ and his ‘disciples’ do and he seeks to prove that they are always up to some sinister motives. His character, which is very hilarious by the way, somehow depicts your feeling towards the whole issue of Missus peeping into Tamm’s diary and you imagining what could Ian be doing in that same diary. Great read as always.

  107. Ben Soh says:

    My dad once read a letter I had been sent by my then girlfriend.. We were in class six… He then sealed it awkwardly but the cheeky smile as he handed it to me made me suspect something… I was really hurt that even him could be that Snoopy!

  108. Maureen says:

    When I was about 20, I found mother dearest in my room, sitting on the floor reading my letters that I had keptafter high school, from all my friends and yes,there were some nasty ass love letters in that pile. We have never spoken about it and I am turning28 next month.I believe all mothers snoop. I will do the same, will just eensure I do not get caught.

  109. Phane Araka says:

    i got a three year old. i will buy her one. and nobody in the entire world is going to stop me from reading it! Nobody.

  110. Faith says:

    biko, aol kodi.Hahaha! Ati what was your password again before you changed it?

  111. Marie says:

    even if you in addis eventually, you will come back to internet and read…My mother read my diary and I will read my kid’s diary thats life, deal with it…like how every time it rains the power goes…Bet you Tamms will read her daughters diary…

  112. TheBlackKennedy says:

    You know, nobody starts a diary so that
    the whole world can read it. You start a
    diary so that you can entomb (love that word,
    I could have used “preserve” but then what
    will accountants use?) your thoughts.

    I didn’t take that statement in
    parenthesis very kindly.

  113. Esther says:

    After finishing class eight i went to visit grandma but was recalled before the end of my vacation at upcountry because my mum was sick, only to realize it was after she read my well hidden diary (those exercise books we used to cut by half and label diary) about boys and she thought i was directly going to hell since i wrote about a neighbor i had a crush on. Let’s say since that day, i let my thought remain in my head and never in writing.

  114. Renée Kariuki says:

    hahaha Biko.. Nairobi utarudi.. And I pray the missus will be pissed off by this post so you get the couch on your first day back
    Ooh and our parents read our diaries. It’s a fact. So you learn to live with it, hide it or move out.

  115. Maureen says:

    I had a diary when I was a teenager and I found out that my friends had read it. I have never kept a diary since, I felt so violated having my private thoughts read by other people.

    • Nava says:

      So true, mine was read in form 3 by my brother and mum; i still carry the scar from that! I tried one on my phone, years later; only for a colleague to read it; have almost stopped writing….almost..

  116. Nyakio says:

    hahahaha..To my future daughter,of course ill snoop!!! and investigate every little thing!!the guys back at langley have nothing on me!!!

  117. David says:

    I kept a diary when I was 19 and a girl grabbed it and read it. That was the last I ever wrote!
    Great read. Day = Made.

  118. Anastasia says:

    the rabbit named kinkie…am wondering whether the parents shout at it when Ian is not around??? neighbours be like what the****?
    lovely read Biko

  119. Numbi Edwin says:

    She has a forehead…i dont like her ….@Baba Ian is right God gives foreheads …….nice read though

  120. Corrie says:

    What’s his favorite word, ‘fabulous’? LOL

  121. Josephine says:

    I can never resist the urge reading things I pick up on tables or wherever, I’m quite sure I’ll be one of those moms Biko sends to jail with their own diaries to write reflections on trust.

  122. Josephine says:

    I can never resist the urge of reading things I pick up on tables or wherever, I’m quite sure I’ll be one of those moms Biko sends to jail with their own diaries to write reflections on trust.

  123. Chris says:

    Plot twist. Tamms also reads your blog. Now she knows the missus has read her diary. She also knows that you said she has a forehead. The missus is mad about this post. You think Besigye is having it tough? Please Biko, just take a flight to Eritria, it’s safer there.

  124. Jaki says:

    Ha ha ha ha Biko!!! Every Mother reads their children’s diaries. They also check for hidden contraband in suitcases, wardrobes and mabati boxes. They do investigative stuff like befriend a sibling to ask about the other siblings secrets. All kids think they are the ones being treated like a favourite by mama. No secret is safe with mama.

  125. Violet says:

    Now Tamms will know for sure that her mother betrayed her..cause she will one day read it on the internet..Haha! Awesome piece:)

  126. James Ireri says:

    Excellent write up. Thank God I have sons………hehehehe…no phone calls to make. Looking forward to calls from irate Dad’s though….hehehe…….well written Biko

  127. Kate says:

    What’s wrong with you Biko? Of course she can read her diary! She’s her mother… and that kid is 8!!

  128. Njeri Muiruri says:

    Some of us are raising Hyenas for sons??? I have laughed so hard in the office, Biko, my son is not joining Team Mafisi, but i hear you!!

  129. wachu says:

    when my time come i will not only read anything documented, i will also read her thoughts also.just wait….

  130. wachu says:

    when my time come i will not only read anything documented, i will also read her thoughts .just wait….

  131. kevin says:

    the comments are always almost as interesting to read as the post..
    Damn, I thought, surely she must be reading my shit too! She must be reading everybody’s shit. Our phones and iPads and laptops weren’t secure anymore” LOL

  132. Ruth says:

    Biko ease up on the Paranoia… No one thinks their car is bugged..No one! That’s why we dilly dally in the car pretending to look for stuff we didn’t put in the glove compartment, when we want to make that last kaphone call saying we are home now no more calls or texts..

  133. Jois says:

    I am a mum.. not to a girl, but to an 8 year old boy. I am not raising a hyena but a man of integrity. My son asks me ALL sorts of questions even the MANLY ones!! :O (single mum things!!). am his diary. If he kept a diary I WOULD READ IT becoz as a mother its a nightmare to be outside the loop. Feels like you are detached from the most important thing in your life. so excuse the missus but she gatta read that diary!!

  134. Jules says:

    always a good read but hellooo do you know what ginene means? hahahahahaha I am an accountant surely ati preserve???
    I need to understand the power of being a mother by having a child wueh hizo powers ni mingi…will have to burn my little diaries hizo ni evidence hahaaaaa

  135. Wanjuhi says:

    Biko, come up with a like button or a couple of emojis. Some of this comments are hilaris… No words

  136. Cate says:

    Haha I’m smitten.Biko sir,it’s important for every mother to read her daughter’s diary and anything else she calls private.Heck,she should even correct some spelling mistakes while at it.Stop ranting now eh haha take a huge chill pill

  137. Aoife says:

    HAHA the convos in head Biko sigh golden. I can’t wait till Tamms gets older and she reads this stuff. You should write about that better yet Tamms should write about it 😀
    Also about time we Got an update on the fatherhood category. You already know it but Good job Biko.

  138. Anne Njeri says:

    I keep my own diary and the thought of someone reading it makes me freeze…the only thing am not sure is if I’d overcome the temptation of not reading someone else’s

  139. Kezia Ndwiga says:

    As mothers we are wired to invade our children’s privacy. I have been meaning to read my boys (12 and 11) journal. I must know what they are thinking and not telling me. I know it is wrong but it is just what it is!

  140. Nava says:

    I just hope for your sake Addis offers you Assylum, you’re gonna need it! Twice: From the missus then Tammms herself!

  141. Rufus says:

    I don’t like diaries they always fall into the wrong hands.

  142. Emily says:

    Biko you just made my day!! This is a good read. Ati guys who are raising hyenas for sons!!DEAD.

  143. Jennipher says:

    This is one funny write up. I’m an adult and i still keep a diary every year. when something is sensitive, i turn it into a story, a composition of sorts to confuse whoever might end up snooping into my privacy

  144. Lizz says:

    Nice article… my daughter is 7 months old and thanks for this, i’ll definitely get hold of that diary and go through it hehehe!

  145. Peter Eye says:

    Good work Biko, This paragraph killed it “I will be honest, since the conversation came up, I have secretly wondered what is in that damn diary myself but I’m not a mother and therefore do not have the right certification, so I have resisted the temptation. So far. Whenever I see it lying about I avoid looking at it directly. But I wondered. What does she write about in there? I don’t care about her best friends and school stuff or stuff on TV or her favourite music or what she thinks about her teacher’s hairstyle. I don’t care about any of that. What I care about is if there is something in there about a boy. Oh, that’s eating me. I think I deserve to know that. I think I deserve to know if there is a boy she writes about because really there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief. I need to know. If there is a boy, I need to know how to deal with him. I need a plan. I think father’s with daughters are allowed that, surely. If there is a mention of a boy in that diary I will need the father’s number and I will need to call him and get dialogue out of the way first before I consider abduction and /or waterboarding.”

  146. Mercy says:

    Oh Biko!!!!! Yani i have laughed my head off. As always, a fantastic read.
    Mothers will always be mothers. It’s in their DNA. They mean no harm.

  147. Gracey says:

    Did you change your password to ToniBraxton1987!, Biko?

  148. Miss bush says:

    Wooi! You want uo missus locked up? Anyway i know you are dying to know whatever tamms writes. If i had kids i would read their diaries too!

  149. NZUKI says:

    Biko while in Addis write something about the ladies there. Find out if there beauty is that legendary and bring back the report to Kenyans.. hehehehe..looking forward to it.Nice read as always Biko

  150. Joyce says:

    Nice read…wen she gets to campus you will be the one sneaking on her while she is in school and stealing her phone to know what she is doing…hehehe! so u shudnt throw stones n u live in a glass house…

  151. Stellah says:

    Dear Mothers to Sons’,

    At this rate we should train our boys on how to evade bullets.

    Biko et al are on a loose.

    …sigh! :-/

  152. Evans says:

    Ginene1987 …i am going to use that password. http://www.evansagolla.wordpress.com

  153. Atieno Oloo says:

    I say lock them up. All of them. Lock them up and put them in a cell and hand them their own diaries so that they can write down their reflections on trust.
    Ahem Biko, you want the missus locked up? No wonder you have run off to Addis where it is, what 2008?

  154. Mimi says:

    I swear my mum read mine. She would make some comments that left me thinking she must have been a genius to figure them out

  155. mercy sergio says:

    Lol my mom still goes through my handbag at my age of 20and some coins, actually alot.. But we love them.. Nice read!&!!

  156. Elvis says:

    when she asked me if i am okay in my private parts ..that was when i realized she reads my diary ..i was ten years old just 2 weeks after circumcision

  157. Yvonne says:

    .. beautiful read.As always!

  158. Moha says:

    Ian has a potential of becoming prezo of team Mafisi
    in the coming generation though the race will likely be very competitive

  159. Murugi says:

    Biko get us a like button some of this comments are just it

  160. Nao says:

    You make me curious about that forehead, now that you even see it on Tamms. Cracked me up completely, I have not burst out laughing in the office and everyone stared at me in a long while.

  161. kioi says:

    I dont know whether my sons kept diaries but my daughter did.I read them as she grew older if i find one lying around ill still read it.my mother read all my letters back then and yes she was catholic and iam too.no apologies.

  162. Miss bush says:

    Something else came up, so you are SDA while the missus is Catholic? Like you didn’t ‘force’ her to change? Whoa! I would like my future hubby to be that open minded! I have read a lot of literature to know matters of religion can be so divisive.

  163. Gladys says:

    Oh Mums snoop and that’s the way it is!! My mum read my diary when I was 8 years and then hid it. Later on, she told me that she didn’t like the person I was becoming. According to her, the contents of the diary (my private thoughts) were mostly negative and she’d have none of that. So she came up with something dubbed “an open diary”. I was only allowed to write positive things about anything I liked but after every two weeks I’d read the diary contents to her…..pwahahaha. It could have worked…I consider myself a very positive person.
    I can’t wait to use the “because am your mother card”. Am gonna be better at it though!

  164. Grace says:

    I always write my diary in code , that way no one can make any sense of my thoughts plus I am just plain paranoid. I intend to cross the line and read my kid’s diary – that is until he or she starts writing in code too…

  165. Susan says:

    O how I wish boys would keep diaries! I would not be thinking half the time of maybe going to the doctor for a prescription of an anxiety pill!

  166. jennifer says:

    a single mom of two daughters,one who is pre-teen and ever curious and who will ask all manner of questions….mum mbona jana haukuja mapema? mum unaongea na rafiki yako kwa simu?ni boy?

  167. clement ndege says:

    Not just mums. Girlfriends nini nini. Lock them up i say.

  168. Njeri says:

    Jeez i just remembered a certain Joel in my daughters class….Wolololo

  169. oria oginga says:

    My mum used to read my diary and that is where she discovered a lot of mischief. I totally agree such mothers should be jailed somewhere in Djibouti and threatened to be shipped to Yemen if they do not stop this behavior. Leave my thoughts alone, if i wanted to share them, I would.

  170. Mama Nanjala says:

    I am one of those mothers who should be locked up..my baby girl is two so nothing to worry about just yet, but as soon as she starts having secret thoughts that need to be documented in a diary, I am keeping up with that diary lie it is salvation

  171. Cecilia says:

    Hahahahahahhahaha! Oooh! my goodness. This got me cracking up like…. Biko, for me this is the best article ever. Wish you well in Addis! Heheheheheh Kinkie….Woiii.

  172. Njiraini says:

    hahaha u will be in Addis hiding from mama Tamms ama

    I say lock them up. All of them. Lock them up and put
    them in a cell and hand them their own diaries so that
    they can write down their reflections on trust.
    nice read always

  173. I had diaries when I was younger,
    no idea if my mum ever read them.
    As a mum, you have to be on top of your
    game and know what is going on with
    your child, so yes, you have to read their
    diaries. If my daughter ever starts writing one,
    I will read it.

  174. Lynn says:

    Hahaha biko, I missed this part of you. The part whr u write from your soul. Let the missus be, Tamms will first write abt “Ian” on tht diary….. This post ws so hilarious, keep on

  175. Hillary says:

    unfortunately for me (or is it fortunately?) I dig into my girlfriend’s phone…I wonder what Biko will say about this…I also have the right to, the way mama Tamms has the right to.

  176. Blukenyan says:

    I pity this belly dancing kid called Ian since his cameo in kindergarten. And Biko offered a double shot of The Famous Grouse at Kengeles. Only old timers here know what I’m talking about

  177. karari says:

    Biko, you are onto something with the Catholics, we are just not as curious .What happened to just talking to your kid? If a child does have a diary why not find out why they have it in the first place? Do they see the diary as place to write secret thoughts, or a place to vent etc. If i found my child had a diary i would encourage them to write and do so fervently.

  178. Caroline says:

    Nice read as always!! This has made my evening.Hilarious.

  179. KEV the ninja says:

    Biko thought you were to call your son njogu…

  180. Azei says:

    The mom started it, she’s Catholic… Hahaha, good read

  181. Selpher Azenga says:

    Great piece! Be prepared to be skinned by mama Tams!
    Your girl inherited your writing skills/talent.

  182. Emme says:

    ….will the jailers hurry please,my mum read mine when i was in HIGH school and even thought to keep it for me,Im still thinking of a nice way,that wont hurt me,of forgiving her coz ive held that as sin numero un against her for so long.

  183. Laura says:

    pillar of salt….really haha

    Day made..

  184. Millie says:

    Now missus has a bone to pick with you.How can you expose her then conveniently fly out till time heals the feeling of betrayal?’

  185. John Nasaye says:

    I had a girlfriend that threatened to dump me if I didn’t let her read my diary! I might as well get an identity change, complete with a sex change if I ever let anyone near my diary ….even at this VERY advanced age!

  186. John Nasaye says:

    I had a girlfriend who threatened to dump me if I didn’t let her read my diary! I might as well get an identity change, complete with a sex change if I ever let anyone near my diary ….even at this VERY advanced age!

  187. Lukanyagah says:

    Absolute genius,Biko.Africa’s finest writer in his prime,we are blessed by your talent

  188. Daughter of Kenya says:

    I wish people could just mind their business… Your Missus’ habit reminds me of someone who had no boundaries. They used to snoop into my phone; confront (seeking additional info); get angry (at what they read) and swear that they won’t do it again only to run back at it. I secretly enjoyed their agony coz sikumtuma huko

  189. Wambui says:

    I once forgot my diary at home. And I was in a boarding school. Imagine my torture thinking about the number of times my Catholic mum had read and reread it. Now I don’t even write shopping lists I have a phobia

  190. Mark says:

    Read this and remembered that line about you getting home and could instantly tell that she’s mad even though she was standing facing the other side. “…the things you write. They REALLY annoy me.”

  191. daisy says:

    Uwiiiii, I am SDA too. The part that caught me is that your mum would comment on your diary, lol. She was perfect, just perfect!

  192. Salim says:

    I have self-recruited into the “Daddy’s Kidnap Team” Biko, find us a name and we are ready to roll. Raising daughters is bigger than service in Afghanistan…they your love, pockets, patience, attitude, relationships et al. Its a minefield!

  193. Grace Mwangi says:

    always an awesome read. Your blog is something to always look forward to. I wish you could do such blogs daily as opposed to waiting for it once a week.

  194. Aaron says:

    Man have I laughed…You should put a sign Not Safe For Work…. its not very mature to giggle helplessly in a meeting with your boss you know…

  195. redempta bisangwa says:

    Biko this is an amazing piece … hahaha it got me laughung seriously, sons being raised into hyenas ..lol… oh dear tamms diary, yoy start now you will want to read it till shes 20something that means heartattack ….resisr now..lol

  196. wambui kiruthi says:

    I had a CAT yesterday and totally forgot it was Tuesday!Awesome read as well and it has been way too long since we read something about Tamms.I hope you’ll do a follow up on the missus reaction when you get back from Addis

  197. SN says:

    Biko, forget the book. Si you just write and produce a family drama series? I promise you we shall stream it and binge watch.

  198. Annita Kirimi says:

    I will read her diary, i will check her phone, bag, handbags, iPad, tablet and everything she will have. And i will not feel guilty because she will always be my little girl. She will hate to love me because i will watch her like a hawk. kudos mama Tamms. Go on and read.

  199. David says:

    Biko i swear by my life that when she hits 16 it will be you eavesdropping on everything like the Americans.
    Nice piece.

  200. Ythera says:

    I expect a real truthful follow up when you come back. I didn’t keep a diary because I accidentally found my elder sister’s diary. Hahaha! No matter where she hid it, I always found it. Then one day she caught me… I’m unapologetic. If I get a daughter and she keeps a diary, I will read it. If you want things private, keep them in your head. Or Gmail.

  201. oliver Tambo says:

    I always enjoy your conversation with the Ians

  202. Wambeti Liz says:

    I have always kept a diary since I was 8. You better read that diary and be sure to return it in the exact position you found it in. I always take measurements of how I leave my diary (for example how many centimeters it is from the pillow) so that if some kinky fella ‘read boyfriend’ decides to read it I will know and the following day I will write something about him to make him feel bad. My diary has every naughty and nice stuff and I really never care if anyone reads it. There’s nothing alien to human race you will find there

  203. Njoki says:

    I think I deserve to know if there is a boy she writes about because really there are guys out there raising hyenas for sons. The next Generation Mafisi; with stronger teeth and a sharper nose for even more mischief.. When she’s big enough and discovers your blog and all the stuff you write about her “Boys, long legs, knees, ass” etc. You will relocate to Addis permanently. And guess what, she will then have a blog of her own which she Will use to vent and we will be reading it and loving it and having a ball

  204. Jeanette says:

    I can’t ‘wait for a continuation of this. Especially after thee Mrs reads this (this will start WWIV in your house, exposing the Mrs like that Biko;not cool) and when Tamms older and access this.
    BTW what happened to Chero’s column?

  205. mercy says:

    hehe..my mother has been snoopy too for all my lifetime(hata si childhood pekee)

  206. Iamxhara says:

    Woe unto you when when Tammy grows up. You will be banned permanently to Addis or Timbutku just for your thoughts!!! Nice read as usual Biko..

  207. Annie says:

    Hehehe…I’m going to post this and when it goes live I will be in Addis. And we all know that if you want to plunge in obscurity, in a dark hole where internet hasn’t reached, go to Addis…Biko. You will come back…eventually. And this is one piece that I could see creatign Bosnia for you in so many different ways.

  208. Ali says:

    The missus should wait, let’s say a year passes or two then drop the bomb on you. That Tamms has written about Ian on her diary she should say it almost dismissive way. “I thought you should know.”

  209. Fabbo.tips says:

    Chicks are natural born snoops. They can’t help it. But from what I see, you got one very happy family. Envy you bro

  210. mildred sakina says:

    so that means my Mum could have also read my diaries?Oh the horror. Anyway shauri zake 😀

  211. Kevin says:

    Biko do you ever get scared that your daughter might discover this blog one day and get mad at both you and the Missus?

  212. lrange says:

    Conversation with baba Ian…CLASSIC!!

  213. RUTH says:

    “Because John the Baptist was your relative?”haha that line just killed me

  214. maddie says:

    just a thought biko, perhaps you could indicate the approximate time for each read at the top…just a thought..

  215. Zorroellie says:

    judas judas judas the whole lot of them. and when they dont find diaries they go for receipts, wallets before upgrading their software into snooping on tabs and phones. Oh have you ever woken up to find mothers combing through kids hairs in the name of “nakupaka mafuta dandruff ziishe” while trying to read their thoughts directly from the brain?

  216. Avid Biko fan says:

    honestly Biko, are you concluding that women have no sense of exclamation marks? always enjoy your writing

  217. cassie says:

    Hahahaha…I am sitting at my desk re-reading some paragraphs and laughing
    I am a mother and i too will go through her diary

  218. ciiru says:

    I completely agree Biko…all mothers who read their daughters diaries should be brought to book.My mother read mine when I was 14 years old and I have never recovered! I can’t even bring myself to write at 27! And the beating that came after she realized a few of the hyenas were after me!Let’s just say she bought a new mwiko the following day!

  219. Patrick Karanja says:

    Nice read.

  220. Hawii says:

    Let me take a glimpse at my siz diary.i wont be surprised if she calls
    me despicable names.its all in her eyes!

  221. Mumbi says:

    :-D. Nice one Biko.

  222. LYNETTE says:

    “My mom was SDA and she was nosy as hell, oh she would read your diary without missing a beat.” Your mother, my mother and all other SDA mothers!!!!! Lovely piece

  223. Don says:

    I walked home the other day to find a clas 2 boy having sex with a class 3girl on the green grass outside the gate, this hyenas have sharper teeth and longer noses already

  224. joseph says:

    I have read your blog.its amazing.

  225. Mikeinioluwa says:

    Wait until she’s a teen and then discovers that you have a blog.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with us

Get it hot

Enter your email address to subscribe.

Magunga Books