The Fendi Man

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There is a gentleman waiting at the reception. You may notice his shoes first; brogues. Brown. Well worn. Scruffy in that deceptively fashionable way. You notice he has on beige Dockers, the colour of a wet anthill, folded at the bottom because this is Nairobi. No socks. His shirt is so crisp and so white it feels like the entrance of a spiritual vault. Strapped on his wrist is a classic Royal London timepiece. On top of his shirt is this odd Tom Ford half sweater that sort of looks like a Pringle at first glance, but isn’t. The patterns on the half sweater are various small triangles in different shades of yellows, greens and reds – the reds are the colour of a DikDik’s liver. Hooked on the collar of this sweater are these platinum framed aviator shades. What you will definitely notice is that he looks good. But good isn’t the description for men like him, the word you are looking for, I believe, is dapper.

As you pass through the reception you will certainly smell him; a whiff of something masculine, like Lacoste Noir, or something more traditional, like Old Spice because he’s that guy. He is clean shaven on the head and has a fashionable stubble that looks unkempt, like he’s too busy to care or to delve in grooming. Don’t believe it, it’s a well cultivated façade. He is in great physical shape, his clothes hang onto him like a jealous lover.

At his feet – to complete this well-choreographed ensemble – is a Fendi travelling bag.

He sits ramrod straight, ignoring the complimentary newspapers and magazines on the table and not even looking at his iPhone – an older model that looks like motel soap. He’s a man accustomed to staying still. To waiting. Do you remember that line from the TV series Boardwalk Empire delivered fluidly by Arnold aka ‘The Big bankroll’? He said, “All man’s trouble comes from his inability to sit quietly in a room by himself.”

The Fendi Man doesn’t have that problem.

He sits still in any of the modern high-rise buildings in Nairobi, whether in Upperhill or Westlands. It could be Rahimtullah Plaza, Landmark Plaza, Delta House, Purshottam place, the Priory, 14 Riverside or any of the hundreds of other buildings in Nairobi where every morning a large tide of very well dressed female professionals in well-coordinated outfits, looking like a million bucks, teetering in sexy high heels (that they will promptly kick off and ignore the rest of the day the moment they can hide their feet underneath their desk), well moisturized faces and eyebrows so well-tended you can tee off them, walk in elevators to get to their desks where they will change the world in many ways.

Let me digress here a tad. I’m asking this for a pal. It’s about corsets and sijui waist trainers. Err, what’s up with these things? And I’m asking this out of pure male ignorance; when you as a woman (you can also answer this Luis, if you want) wear a corset or waist trimmer under that lovely dress, then go ahead & deceive the whole world for the whole day and into the evening, before a mirror, you slip out of this elaborate lie and stand there with your wobbly bits taking the shape of the room… how do you sleep at night? Even more important, how do you breathe in those damn things?

Here is what I think is the sexiest thing in an African woman. When she wears a fitting dress and her stomach shows this small bump, nothing too large, just a small bump that protrudes and then plunges down to her special area, like a well curved slope. That little bump? It says I’m a woman not a model. It says I love to eat and sometimes, I may over-eat. It says this is what Africa is all about; curves. It says I have come into my womanhood and I am proud. It’s a middle finger to salads. Let that small bump stay. That bump is the hope of a better tomorrow. Let it be. That shit is sexy.

Yes we appreciate the shapeliness of the female body, even though you will say you wear the corsets “for yourselves” and it helps define your curves, but when we finally find out that it’s a large lie, we usually feel cheated. For instance, because Kenyan women are always saying, Oh Kenyan guys are not gentleman, let’s say this one time you decide to be a gentleman and there is a friend/ a colleague/ a lady you are trying to get impress, who is about to go through a doorway and you reach out and place your hand on the small of her back to lead her through like you saw George Clooney once do, and there, on the small of her back, under this devastatingly tingling dress you feel, not the warm glow of flesh, but a hard layer of something unyielding and inhuman and you can’t help wondering, Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go?

I won’t pick a fight about corsets, I will stick to my weave battle. So back to our Fendi guy still waiting at the reception.

An extraordinarily well-dressed lady will finally walk straight at him across the foyer. They will do the two cheeks kissy thing. She will hold his arm tenderly and say, “Sasa, aki si-umelost! Na unakaa poa!…” and lead him into her office where out of the Fendi bag will come various pieces of clothing that she will have a look at.

Mr. Fendi is a clothes salesman. Actually he’s more than that; he’s a Guerilla stylist. The Avant Garde clothes peddler. He isn’t the kind of fancy stylist that you will see going for the glitzy cocktail functions at the Tribe or Kempinski’s ballroom in their rainbow socks and pants that don’t touch their shoes. He didn’t go to school in the US or the UK. He doesn’t listen to Ed Sheeran or Coldplay. He doesn’t call water, “warer.” And he certainly won’t rock up at a function in gloves. (Eddie Kirindo, what’s with the red gloves, brother?).

This guy grew up in Eastlands, maybe Buru or Maringo or Umoja or in Arina or Mosque in Kisumu. Or maybe he grew up in Mada (I know a few stylish guys there) but he grew up loving clothes and the art they bring. This guy started out selling mitumba in Gikomba or Toi market but then he realised that it’s easier for the river to go to the donkey, so he now brings the clothes to the ladies.

Before he says a word you would not be able to distinguish this background, which he ‘masks’ in such lovely style and presence that he is able to blend in amongst those men who did grow up in the leafy suburbs. He’s street, but because he caters to the whims of the posh middle-class ladies who drink daiquiris at Mercury, he has to adopt this persona. In order to feed their vanity he first had to work on his own.
He has clients all over the city. He speaks rubbish English – and avoids it unless absolutely necessary, but his sheng is deep. He will never hear him say “Mtu Nguyaz”. That’s for you uptown yuppies who think you’re being ‘street’.

He is almost always called Mato or Stevo or Jamo, or Omosh or Davie or Dougie. One of those short names that only cool guys have. Not Emmanuel Kariuki, or sijui Timothy Kihiko (Hehe, sup’ Tim?), or Johnstone Nditi or worse, Boniface Simiyu. I just can’t see a guy called Boniface Simiyu knowing how to pair a shoe and a dress. I think there are names that fit certain professions; like Milka can only be someone who has a fruit business. Or Polycarp, who sounds like a guy who prefers to sit in a windowless room crunching numbers.

Our guy knows more hot chicks in Nairobi than any events planner or ‘celebrity stylist’. And they all love him because he makes them all look good. He is the kind of guy who will hold up a pair of shoes and say, “sasa hii kiatu utadungilia na ile dress nilikuletea last month.” (My sheng needs work). And because women spend a hell lot of time on Facebook, he is constantly logged onto Facebook putting up clothes with his phone number. The Fendi Man is also liking those filtered pictures of his clients, saying things the women like to hear; “Nakuona, Wairish! Looking gud! That gym is working!” Never mind Wairish is on a constant diet of corsets. (Those things must be a health risk, like they can cause a clot or something. Do they come with health warnings? Like cigarettes and medicines?).

This is the kind of guy who will look at a chick in a club and while normal men will say, “That chick has a fine ass” he will say, “She’s a 12 bottom and an 8 top,” (Translation, gentlemen:: That’s some big ass). He’s the only guy who will tell a chick she has added weight straight up. He will say, “Suzie, ni nini na kunona, hii top inge-ku fit. Rudi gym, mresh.” And she won’t catch feelings. These men will fondle our woman without it being sexual. They will run their hands on their hips, to feel how a dress fits. They feel how a fabric holds the thighs and it will be just business. They understand the female physique. And they will never just sell something to make a sale. They are honest and they know the value of keeping a relationship in business.

They keep it civil and they develop such deep relationships with these women that when these women travel they will bring them gifts or buy them some expensive shit on their birthdays.

And women love to buy clothes. Women will always buy clothes. And shoes. I once knew a guy who only sold chick shoes. He was making a killing! Most of his clients would see a shoe and not resist it. It was hysterical, he said. He started from Mutindwa, and then scaled up. He bought a small Vitz back when the Vitz had just become the new thing in town and he would drive around the city selling shoes out of the boot of his car. And Oti dressed like a don. If you saw him in a three piece suit with the jacket off, you would imagine he was a model. That was until he spoke, then he sounded like a model in Rongai. He did good; Oti. Now he is in Frankfurt, Germany. Love took him there and kept him there.

Men on the other hand, we really don’t have such a deep relationship with clothes like women do. We don’t remove what we will wear the next day the previous night.

I ran into some ladies from Woolworths at Dusit two weeks ago and we got into this discussion on the pricing and quality of men’s wear and basically my argument was that their clothes are too pricey and theirs was that you can’t put a price on quality. I wasn’t convinced why I should buy one shirt for 6K at Truworths while Eric my guy can get me three brilliant shirts of the same price and you wouldn’t tell the difference, unless you touched me.

Also, the reason why some folk resort to buying things off these Fendi Boys is that you will hardly ever meet someone wearing the same thing in Nairobi. I once bought this brilliant leather loafers from Woolies, which cost a bloody arm. One day while I was feeling cool standing at the bar in Mercury ABC rocking my kicks, what do I see? Some chap wearing the exact same loafers, standing at the opposite end of the damned bar!

He was one of those chaps who lean on the counter pretending to ignore the whole room, holding their Tusker Malts by the long necks. I call them Greeners. They sip long-necked beers, always swigging it straight from the bottle, as if they are sipping cool straight from the bottle. But beer guys are always loose chaps, they have less pretensions than us whisky guys. We are more complicated, always talking about the years of our drink or the flavor or some other unimportant detail. There are different calibre of whisky drinkers; guys who drink 18-yr old will look at chaps who drink 12yr old weirdly, single malt guys think they are better than blended guys. Hell, some spell whisky with an “e” while others don’t. But beers guys? Easy chaps. Easy go lucky. A Tusker Malt guy doesn’t care for that shit, he either wants his drink cold or warm. The rest are details.

I had had a few drinks so I walked up to him because, well, we are guys, we don’t need to break ice, and it’s not like I wanted his number.

With as much sarcasm I could muster I tapped him over the shoulder and said, “Hey man, I love your shoes!” He looked at his shoes and then looked at mine and we started laughing. Then he said over the loud music, “We might be matching but I am rocking mine better than you are.” I said “Crock!” and he said, “You want us to ask someone. If they say I rock mine better, you buy me a drink. If not, I buy you one.” I really hadn’t intended to get into all this but hey, what the hell, so he walked a step across to the low seats where two girls were seated and he said smoothly, “Excuse me ladies, but we are having a small wager here that you may be able help us with, who do you think looks better in these shoes?” I was slightly embarrassed, I wish I was slightly more inebriated than I was, because now we looked like adolescent boys who were comparing their cocks.

The girls had that pained look of, ‘aww come on, we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here’ So one said, “you both look very nice in them.” But this guy insisted that they pick one, and they eventually picked him. (Sniff). I think they just wanted us to leave them alone. The only reason they picked him was because he was taller than me and also my forehead really didn’t help my case. As I reached to buy him his Tusker he said, “No, let me buy you a drink instead.” See? Beer guys!

This is to the ladies who make an effort to step out looking great and smelling good daily. We notice you. We appreciate you. (Lakini those corsets!) But most importantly this is an ode to the gentlemen who rise from Gikomba and Toi market, from the boroughs of Eastlands loving clothes, loving style and taste and scaling up that love into a business and eventually clothing our women while defining themselves as their own unique icons of style. You guys rock. Have a cold Tusker Malt on us. That stuff was brewed for legends like you.

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  1. I can picture that Fendi person. I used to have a shoe guy. I guess he didn’t do too well and eventually closed “shop”. Interesting read!

  2. When a man starts to build a world,he starts first with himself and the faith that is in his heart…..The Fendi guy totally embraced this.

  3. “Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go?
    He is almost always called Mato or Stevo or Jamo, or Omosh or Davie or Dougie. One of those short names that only cool guys have.”

    Hehehehe.. Interesting Read!!!

    1. Here is what I think is the sexiest thing in an African woman. When she wears a fitting dress and her stomach shows this small bump, nothing too large, just a small bump that protrudes and then plunges down to her special area, like a well curved slope. That little bump? It says I’m a woman not a model. It says I love to eat and sometimes, I may over-eat. It says this is what Africa is all about; curves. It says I have come into my womanhood and I am proud. It’s a middle finger to salads. Let that small bump stay. That bump is the hope of a better tomorrow. Let it be. That shit is sexy.

      Atis we should do that chicken this week

  4. ….His clothes hang onto him like a jealous lover…..I know of a gazillion fendi guys.I am one of em,but my English is not as bad as the corsets!

  5. I also had a Fendi man… They often seem to be shipped out of the continent by some damsel when you need them most.Nice read.

  6. Biko you are good..I would never have guessed that the Fendi man sold clothes, if I saw him sitting still somewhere..lol. Much as you deny it,I think you just began an anti-corset battle so just bring it on already…and finally, am buying you an expensive gift on your birthday, you “sell” the words real good!

  7. I read this article, everything so vivid, but hapo kwa milka name i disagree good stuff. about the corsets, lets just say it a ticking time bomb

  8. Lakini Biko, how now do you tell (or know) the colour of a dik dik’s liver??!
    They sure are worthy of mention-they that make us look good!

  9. Your way with words is what keeps me glued to your articles ….I have a couple of Fendi men in my phone book so spot on!!!now the first time I wore a corset I couldn’t pee the whole day coz I hadn’t figured out a way to work the darned thing and for the 1 day I had it on I comforted myself by saying peeing is overrated.

  10. I don’t know if its just me or the gang has been infiltrated by some mean people. I like your posts, I also appreciate what you are doing by encouraging other writes to post here and since you have a huge following their work is noticed. I however feel sad when people who just recently joined disparage them. i think the filters should be returned. My two cents, I don’t know how you feel.
    Oh and on Fendi, “This is to the ladies who make an effort to step out looking great and smelling good daily. We notice you. We appreciate you” My thoughts every morning as I walk to work.

    1. Filtering new people is limiting more people from sreing your work. I do not see how that is helpful to writers. They should ignore bad destructive criticism and embrace constructive one.

  11. Awesome piece,cheers to the Fendi Man one stop shop for style….Biko win the Weave battle before you start a corset fight!

  12. I laugh when I see men salivating after a corset-donning mama because I know this deception can only go on for so long. Hehe. Great read. Biko, you’re spoiling us with all these great reads whenever the day breaks…Keep em coming!

  13. As always, catchy read! This guy Biko though, the attention to detail and bring it out in vivid writing, hats off Thura!!!

  14. haha.hilarious!
    The Fendi man. I knew one,Onyi, from the lakeside, he found a German wife. He now frequents upscale bars and introduces himself as ‘Deng’ from South Sudan

  15. Corsets are the devil. I wore one once in high school. I passed out in thirty minutes. Never again. Natembeanga kitambi ikisalimia watu kwa street.

  16. Biko i hope one day you will put up a novel of short stories. I want to read them with my six year old daughter when she is old enough. Meanwhile stick to the weaves battle….corsets no don’t go there.

    Good read as always

  17. Just Spot on “He is almost always called Mato or Stevo or Jamo, or Omosh or Davie or Dougie. One of those short names that only cool guys have.””

  18. Nice read n oooh so you love the bump? Too bad the only one am planning to wear happily is a baby bump anything else no. And now that you mentioned,am getting a corset

  19. These men will fondle our woman without it being sexual. They will run their hands on their hips, to feel how a dress fits.

    Heh! That part stirs

  20. and there, on the small of her back, under this devastatingly tingling dress you feel, not the warm glow of flesh, but a hard layer of something unyielding and inhuman and you can’t help wondering, Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go? This part got me, great read Biko, always attentive to tiny little details, those girls were mean to choose the other guy

  21. …..In order to feed their vanity he first had to work on his own…. Loved that line. And that’s what makes the Fendi guy professional

  22. “Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go?” Hahaha. “They feel how a fabric holds the thighs and it will be just business.” Possibly the Vitz-driving Oti felt the thigh and it wasn’t just business as usual, and love hounded him out of the business.

  23. He he he eti “The only reason they picked him was because he was tall
    er than me and also my forehead really didn’t help my case” U rock….
    you really know how to combine 26 letters well..

  24. I used to have a clothes guy! He was a sharp dresser too called Kevo(guess you left that out) ha! He would dress me and everyone would want to know where I get my dresses! He knew my sizes too! Why sizes? Am a 12 bottom and an 8 top! He used to even get them customized to my sizes as its almost impossible to get such a dress. I totally miss him. My style has never been the same! Would’ve gladly bought him that Tusker Malt but God rest his soul!!

  25. I like the article. I have a fender man who can get anything and yes you get to look like nobody else in town. By the way Biko, did you know my forehead will beat yours any day?

      1. I have a forehead. A big one. It runs in our family. We inherited it from our mother. It stopped bothering me, and now I call it a national resource.

      2. This article made me cry and smile at the same time…I laugh because i knew two guys back then Jaymo and Denno…
        I cried (just a little)…you have a way of empowering the african woman…if only we could embrace ourselves!A little paunch never killed no one!

  26. Biko its hard to imagine you being the shorter guy. He, the ‘cock comparer’ was Sudanese? hahaha, I laughed throughout.

    on that weight debate, insist that its just a little bump…

  27. Hey Biko, my name is Milkah and i’m an interior designer not a fruit vendor 🙂 . Love this article, i’m a huge fan!

  28. “… you slip out of this elaborate lie and stand there with your wobbly bits taking the shape of the room…” that did it!

  29. Talk about bringing words to life. You know, there is something about masters that touches us to the core. I am sure as hell not a good writer, not sure if i am one in the first place, but your work sir; your work is the quintessence of writing. Thank you Biko. Your work adds color to this gray world of mine

  30. read this article before lunch and thanx to you i just gave up on my jane mukami diet i saw it as a sign from the gods. ion my guy is called omosh that is after my other guy stevo left town spot on by the way i trust omosh with my life (ish)

  31. I was following the words so keenly, picturing ‘Fendi guy’ in my mind in such detail that when you let out that he is ‘the clothes guy’ I just laughed out loud! I clearly did not see that coming. Great piece Biko!

  32. You have given a description of my fendi man, Mato, big ups! You have always filled a gap I dont have time for – shopping for my clothes, esp dresses. A drink to that!

  33. I got a fendi lady. Hehehe! Always has something for me everytime she gets new stuff.
    Ps. My mum’s name is Milcah and she isn’t a fruit vendor Biko yawa. Tho!

  34. The world is a stage in which we perform and spectate simultaneously. The corset thing is just but one of those performances…

  35. So after a certain writer touched on the topic of weight and women…you went slow on the words and carefully chose what to say in hilarious manner. I like the piece Biko. I felt like the Fendi man was sitting next to me.

    I have learnt the art of vivid description…check out my blog

    https://mwauramswati.wordpress.com/2015/10/01/loyalty-over-everything-part-2/

  36. “wear a corset or waist trimmer under that lovely dress, then go ahead & deceive the whole world for the whole day and into the evening, before a mirror, you slip out of this elaborate lie and stand there with your wobbly bits taking the shape of the room……” ..#Dead!
    liquids take the shape of the container man!
    Biko you are the only guru in town who can make nasty jokes about the plus-sized women and get them rolling on the floor with laughter instead of getting really mad at you.
    Maybe one naughty citi gal, who has recently stirred the wrath of these real African women should enrol in your writing master class and send us the pay bill number.
    I won’t mind saving a fellow Kenyan from the risk of being lynched the moment she shows up in any of the social media streets.

  37. and women ask why men ‘change’..we don’t…we just start looking for the girl who we met while wearing corsets coz this one who suddenly appears without a corset is ‘changed’…yaani we go back to the default settings you had put us in when we met you while in a corset (s).

  38. “…….you slip out of this elaborate lie and stand there with your wobbly bits taking the shape of the room… how do you sleep at night?”. Man that line is both funny and cold. Love the piece

  39. Always a great read! I read, I smile, I giggle, I like!

    My Fendi guy is called Sheii. He speaks impeccable English too.

  40. Ahahahah, i know of a guy, stevo,can make you look like a million bucks..
    When i first walked into his shop, he was like, chill, nataka kukudunga look flani yaani…ahahah still my guy!!!

  41. on the small of her back, under this devastatingly tingling dress you feel, not the warm glow of flesh, but a hard layer of something unyielding and inhuman and you can’t help wondering, Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go? WOLOLO!

  42. Here is what I think is the sexiest thing in an African woman. When she wears a fitting dress and her stomach shows this small bump, nothing too large, just a small bump that protrudes and then plunges down to her special area, like a well curved slope. That little bump? It says I’m a woman not a model. It says I love to eat and sometimes, I may over-eat. It says this is what Africa is all about; curves. It says I have come into my womanhood and I am proud. It’s a middle finger to salads. Let that small bump stay. That bump is the hope of a better tomorrow. Let it be. That shit is sexy.
    Biko will you marry me??

  43. Your articles are always on point. However, you could do better with using euphemisms in place of the harsh words that are a bit disturbing for my 16-year old brother! Ass, cock, etc…

      1. I can bet your 16 year old brother knows what these words mean, and probably even knows them in all the euphemisms that Biko could use. An awesome read though

    1. This blog is for ass grown up men and women. Get your 16 year brother some age appropriate books from text book centre…just saying 🙂

    2. Sasa huyu Mwandishi…? What does he write anyway? If you can’t handle the heat, get your (euphemism) out of the kitchen.

    3. Biko do not tone it down! @Mwandishi, you sound like a good sibling, so maybe unsubscribe your brother from the blog’s email list if you feel the articles are too mature for him. Unfair to ask the author to change

  44. My Fendi guy passed on, and since then i’ve never been able to replace him. Shout out to all fendi guys out there, you make our lives pretty easy!

  45. very well dressed female professionals in well-coordinated outfits, looking like a million bucks, teetering in sexy high heels (that they will promptly kick off and ignore the rest of the day the moment they can hide their feet underneath their desk#story of my life#

  46. I just can’t see a guy called Boniface Simiyu knowing how to pair a shoe and a dress. I think there are names that fit certain professions; like Milka can only be someone who has a fruit business. Or Polycarp, who sounds like a guy who prefers to sit in a windowless room crunching numbers.Lord have mercy!!!

  47. Biko, you rock! I love your writing style and sense of humour. You had me reading and re-reading each paragraph and laughing an otherwise stressful afternoon away. thanks

  48. Biko what you say you give one Njoki Chege a scholarship to the master class, take one for the team ey (team here being the entire country ) Teach young size 8 mami that being a bomb as writer has nothing to do with courting controversy and article shock value

  49. You are my favorite Biko…Much love.. you crack me up like crazy…whaattt!! This is more than awesome..

  50. Great article today…and we dnt care what u say Biko that pouch isn’t sexy. Met a fellow female at the gym with a waist trainer,she actually works out with it.worst part she is skinny bila pouch!!I looked at my 30inch waist against her 24inch n thought I need me one of those…plus ur man may appreciate said Pouch BT when ur girls n bitchy colegues won’t n u knw us women.we do it for other women.we thrive on envy from other women.:-(

  51. Hilarious as always Biko. Cheers to Stevo and Jamo,(I do not kid!) my guys “be outchea” throwing some nice clothes my way since my Uni days. Sigh. Great writing. 😀

  52. That bump among many of comes and goes in the course of the month due to PMS and body’s water retention. thanks for consoling us after someone insulted Nairobi women on their weight. Looking forward to the gucci woman selling Dolce and Ng’an’ana. I have been conned by one such fendi gucci Nairobi woman;/womane

  53. …. “… Damn, sweetheart, how far down does your bulletproof vest go?…………..
    Not Emmanuel Kariuki, or sijui Timothy Kihiko (Hehe, sup’ Tim?), or Johnstone Nditi or worse, Boniface Simiyu. I just can’t see a guy called Boniface Simiyu knowing how to pair a shoe and a dress.”
    Those lines had me laughing my ass off!

  54. I love a beer guy. Then there’s the wine guy….I’m always perplexed by their orientation, sexual or otherwise. As expected, great piece Biko

  55. Great read as always.Looks like you take special notice of shoes when you meet someone.First it was Sophie with the boots ,the Fendi man and the Tusker malt guy to name a few.The attention to detail is good.

  56. I love your work Biko
    Keep it up.

    I also read your article on true love every month. Amazing work. Thumbs up man!

  57. this right here….. I just can’t see a guy called
    Boniface Simiyu knowing how to pair a shoe and a dress.
    I think there are names that fit certain professions; like
    Milka can only be someone who has a fruit business. Or
    Polycarp, who sounds like a guy who prefers to sit in a
    windowless room crunching numbers.

    in our defense…. breathing in corsets is a talent….

  58. My fendi guy is Deno ….his calls are something like this..”sasa mresh niko na “stuffs” kali….utapitia ama nikudropie?

  59. Always wondering what these corsets are for?
    A good read and thumps up to us fendi guys.. Time to open the tusker malt bottles

  60. Biko,dude your powers of observation are scintillating, to say the least!! Now onto Mr Fendi; that Tom Ford half sweater is an argyle, that’s what that design is called. The one with the multitude of interlocking diamond lozenges at the front.
    You have hit it out of the ball park with this one!!

  61. The corsets bana are essentials..N padded asses, lol. Good to know that us ladies who take time to look good are appreciated. I’m a sucker for that.check out my blog : angies-closets.com . Cheers Biko.

  62. Your effort in giving us a great read every other week is noticed and appreciated Biko.moreso is the way you capture different hussles of people who are otherwise unnoticed is amazing.kudos to all fendi guys especially my guy stevo.corsets for me no no.weaves – debatable

  63. I don’t have a fendi guy,never have, and never in a million years did i think the fendi guy would turn out to be a stylist. My cousin was a fendi woman though….Biko i would kill to write like you do,thank God for such a talent

  64. Bull’s eye! Had a brayo who would tag a cool backpack everywhere he went,lotsa us thought he was a techie and that was his laptop until the day he unleashed tush Clarke’s on us…my my my! I know someone who’s never gotten over brayo..mkimwoona huko bwore tell him we are orphaned!
    Now I can sleep in peace

  65. Haha Biko Jameni… You forgot to appreciate a few of us who look shapely with no corsets on. No tummy problems too

  66. Sponsored post. But hey, who’s judging? Got to pay the bills, right? Im not complaining. Youre another Fendi guy in the writing business. Kuddos!

  67. Cheers. I concur on that bump, call it the prelude to ecstasy. Denotes genuine self
    worth, living on her own terms. African women were lusciously curved and unless they are predisposed generically to adverse health defects then they need to celebrate that unique sensuality that only they naturally posses. Bayete Biko.

  68. apparently everyone has a fendi man except me, i go to whatever market and dig through heaps of clothes to find whatever i please…….about the corsets, bring the fight on; its not a good thing if a mama passed out and on loosening her clothes to administer first aid you encounter a supertight corset…..else, this was a nice read. big up Biko!

  69. Ooooh my my my!!! My first time in your reads thanks to your loyal followers on fb! How have i been missing this… i was all musky reading this piece as i could very well relate…
    These are my kind of reads now!!Well done Biko you are a masterpiece of your own.

  70. Biko Biko Biko How many times did i call you? Did a little birdy wisper that my friend and i were about to get ourselves corsets? But at least a lil bump is good by you, no? ti hi hi

  71. 6k Biko enda ununue bale ya shirt wadhii, chagua camera na hizo zingine ufungue kibanda ama ufagilishe, utarudisha thao zako sita na ubaki na profit

  72. Hahaha Biko very entertaining, as always. I see how you tackled Njoki Chege to the ground there, very clever. Also the tusker malt insert…. brilliant. Keep them coming Biko.

  73. My Fendi Man has come a loooooong way! From selling second-hand shoes on dusty sidewalks in Westlands he upgraded to a tiny backstreet stall in the same area and now he is the proud owner of several shops located in posh buildings within Nairobi, selling brand new designer shoes that mostly attract those i-can’t-breath-because-i-am-wearing-a-waist-trainer-worth-10k ladies. Hats off to this humble trail blazer!

  74. Fendi(oh, they also go by Freddy)knows he deserves A girl who is at his level of education but still got style. So when he lands a well learned lady who is beautiful and got style,of course they met during their interactions, he shows this other side of him : primitive, insecure, will always stand in the way of a girl and her goals, he knows deep within that place which is rattled and shaken by rejection and loss and ego.. That he will lose her to Biko and Co.

  75. Thanks for this read Biko. And more so for agreeing to the euphemisms requests. The truth is I have been thinking of compiling some of your pieces into a book for my kids to read when they are older. And those jazz concert tickets are coming your way soon

  76. “I just can’t see a guy called Boniface Simiyu knowing how to pair a shoe and a dress. I think there are names that fit certain professions; like Milka can only be someone who has a fruit business” Hehehehe…crazy Biko. Brilliant though. And this part killed it; “you slip out of this elaborate lie and stand there with your wobbly bits taking the shape of the room… how do you sleep at night?”

  77. Haha! Good Read!I don’t know anything about corsets or bulletproof vests but i do know that a man who grooms well and has a pouch; a small one..is not only fun to hold but it is proof that he has had a few beers and some choma with his boys. That he knows how to relax without conforming. That he has some quiet confidence and a personality to match. And that shit, is Sexy. Also Biko, Blends might take the cake on this one. A little bit of this and a little bit of that.

  78. OOOOo…. God bless the Fendi man!!! 🙂 (Mine is called Snoop, and yes, I love him to death!!!! )

    Thank you Biko and every guy out there who appreciates the effort we put in our dressing (Corset and all included) …It is clearly not in vain!! 😀

  79. Great read as usual… shout out to my fendi man a.k.a Jamoh gets me amazing shoes. My shoe game is the envy on many thanks to this guy.

  80. Corsets for sale at a discount

    https://www.rupu.co.ke/product/waist-trainer-corset?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=cat-online-shopping&utm_content=all-over22-dnf-all

  81. ur writing inspires me and makes my day. keep it up. that katumbo vibe hehe it will be argued. oh and allow me to ask, have you and oyunga pala considered doing an article pamoja? something written by the two of you i’d like to read.

  82. You forgot fendi guy (Georgie wa toi mkt ) charges obscene prices and we don’t bargain.he clothes my two sisters and bestfriend and myself

  83. some hinds Biko so beautifully curved that Mr Fendi would not hesitate to rest his wares there as he cuts a bargain with the girls

  84. Hahaha I thought I was done laughing with the story then your comments came. The Milkas and Wang’ombes of the world came out.

    So, Biko ati unadingilia what?? And you’re on the models’ case yeah?

    ION, I need me a Fendi man….. any amongst the gang?

  85. Now maybe you should sign up Njoki Chege for the creative writing master class. Tackling the weight issue with a dose of humor.

  86. Truly a genius with words. Love love love Biko, I think hubby is getting jealous :-). I love how you notice so much detail about people, places, things, but especially people. This Fendi guy sounds like what I need. Share his number and he’ll definitely have my dress business.

  87. Biko, for your sentiments on the beauty of a small bump on the african woman… You surely will go to heaven! God bless you, man!

  88. This is a nice read… Biko I have always wanted to write a book about the making of this Fendi man…. And thanks to you I have had good business this past weeks ….haha

  89. my first encounter with a corset was sometime in 2013, when i was courting my missus. I sure as hell didn’t know what it was. The little devil made me believe it was some attire for a special occasion, you imagine! She looked stunning in the red corset though!

  90. This post reminded me of my Fendi guy, he was called Rashid. Unfortunately he died and I have never gotten to replacing him. e had a special bond and my love for new suits kinda died when he did. Its very difficult to get someone reliable, knows your body, style, and tells you the truth.Good one Biko.

  91. He’s the only guy who will tell a chick she has added weight straight up. He will say, “Suzie, ni nini na kunona, hii top inge-ku fit. Rudi gym, mresh.” And she won’t catch feelings….True

  92. The Fendi Man is also liking those filtered pictures of his clients, saying things the women like to hear; “Nakuona, Wairish! Looking gud! That gym is working!” Never mind Wairish is on a constant diet of corsets. (Those things must be a health risk, like they can cause a clot or something. Do they come with health warnings? Like cigarettes and medicines?).

    hahahahaha…..loved this soooo much!!! Awesome Awesome Piece!!!

  93. The starting of the piece and imagery of the fendie man was great then the piece digressed and I think, dwindled. I kept hoping to read more about the fendi man but instead you went to talk of shoes and corsets and tummies……..

  94. “Or Polycarp, who sounds like a guy who prefers to sit in a windowless room crunching numbers”…
    I agree with you about guys called Polycarp. I know of one who is in accounts and loves his own space in a not-so-amazing way. And rarely does he open the windows

  95. I got a friend who is exactly like that,he hasn’t made it to the big league yet but am sure as hell he will make it.kanyiii