Sign up with your email address to be the first to know about new products, VIP offers, blog features & more.

The Good Life

“He’s rich and old,” I tell my friend Gina.

“You mean rich but old?” She asks from the carpet where she’s seated between my knees. I’m helping her undo her braids. She’s in this team natural group where they occasionally meet in a garden to drink rosé and talk about children and men, which they say is the same thing; talking about men and children. I was in that group but I left – keeping natural hair was putting too much pressure on my life. Now I’m rocking a wig as I decide what I’m going to do with my hair next.

“No, I mean rich and old,” I tell her. “There is no but. He’s 58 but he does boxing every week and likes climbing mountains and kayaking and such like things.”

Gina is flipping through Netflix with a remote that looks like something from a gynae’s tray.

“He’s super-smart,” I press on. Her hair smells of coconut leaves. “ The other day we were talking about if I’d get it on with another girl, then we started talking about his own sexual orientation and he said he’s a “humoursexual,” and I asked ‘What the hell is that?’ and he said he only sleeps with people he can laugh with…”.

“Is he married? He must be married,” Gina says.

“No, he says he isn’t.”

“How do you know? Is he a monk?”

Gina’s 4-year old son walks in from the kitchen. She’s a single mother. He wants to eat a cupcake. His mother tells him there are no cupcakes but she will bake some soon. Gina sometimes bakes cupcakes when she’s bored. They are mostly nutty cupcakes. Her son disappears to go back to play.

“He said he’s divorced.”

“Why is he divorced at 58? Is he divorced from wife number one or wife number three? When did he get divorced?” she asks.

“Well, we haven’t gotten there yet.”

“Faridah, come on, babe…”

We met at a polo tournament where I was a KYM for the PR company I work for. I saw his back before I saw him; he had on white brogues and he was standing by a banner for malt beer trying to light a cigarette with his back turned to the afternoon breeze. Who wears white brogues? A cocky man no doubt. His back stretched the blue polo shirt he was wearing. I caught myself thinking, “Now that’s a back on a man.” He stood there sucking on his cigarette with his eyes in a squint. I didn’t see him again until the evening event when I spotted him leaning at the mobile bar with a leggy woman, picking on groundnuts. He looked like he was flirting with her. The next time I saw him was at 10pm when I was trying to reverse my car after the guests had left and my boss had given me shit for something I didn’t do. I was exhausted, so I reversed the car into a small ditch, my tyres turning in the mud without any traction. Guess who was standing outside my car window, cigarette burning between his fingers? The light from the street lamp fell directly on his crown and he seemed to ignite. I don’t like men who smoke, but it’s the way the smoke curled towards him, like even the smoke couldn’t resist him. Who was I?

“Remember that idiot I met who told me he was divorced yet not only was he still married, he was expecting a baby? Do you remember that ass?” Gina says.

I laugh. “Oh, Levin. He was hilarious, though.”

“Just chunguza this story of divorced. Why would a 58-year old wait until then to get divorced? Did he just realise the marriage wasn’t for him?”

“We are assuming he got divorced at 58, maybe he was divorced at 45.”

“And he just happens to be single all these years until you come along?” Gina asks. “Be careful with such men, me I really shuku them.”

“Your faith in humanity is impressive.”

“I’m 32-years old, I take men with a pinch of salt. That way they taste better.” She laughed.

On our first date he held my hand in his and read my palm. We were seated on an orange couch against a brick wall at The Nest Rooftop Bar. It was a quiet night. I was worried as f**k because I had – in my brilliance – just eaten the signature spinach sushi roll as a starter and just as I was about to excuse myself to go to the ladies to see if I had a piece of spinach between my teeth he had gently reached for my hand to read my palm. I couldn’t even smile for fear of a piece of spinach falling in his palm. He was speaking softly about Chinese palmistry or something he kept calling chiromancy but sounded like chiromo to me at the time. For a man who isn’t overtly muscular he had big paws. A boxer’s hands. My small hands completely drowned in them. They were surprisingly soft, with just the right amount of underlying hardness and roughness beneath them. He used an index finger the size of a sausage to trace deep lines in my palm; pressing, drawing, stopping to look at my face as he explained my fate, which, by this time, was certain to me. He spoke softly, in a near whisper, and from a place at the bottom of his belly, like he was reading from an old religious scroll of the Corinthians. I haven’t read Corinthians but I could swear it’s supposed to be read in this man’s voice. As his deep voice droned on, vibrating under my seat, I could only think, ‘his neck smells so good.’ My sense of smell was at an all time high because I was on my periods. I could smell a deer’s sneeze two kilometers away. So I smelled his neck. It smelled moist, as if small puddles of moisture had been trapped at the base of his neck.

I’m embarrassed to say that my intellect disappointed me. I didn’t make an erudite commentary on his chiromancy capabilities, instead I heard – embarrassingly – a little girl in me say in the voice of a slay queen, “I didn’t know boxers could also read palms.” He had conspiratorially leaned in towards me, so close I could smell the pores of his skin, and murmured. “There is so much I do with my hands.” It wasn’t even dirty, but he delivered it in such a dirty way I blushed like a dikdik.

“He’s a gentleman,” I tell Gina. We are now in her kitchen that overlooks a playground outside. A winding staircase leads to her kitchen door that is made from glass. “That night we went on a date, he offered to drop me home because he had asked me to Uber out. He drives a complicated car without a door handle. I remember standing at the door of his car wondering where the damn handle was.”

Gina laughs. “Ngai! Yaani, you can get a chick from Dago, but the Dago in her lives on! You embarrass me. What good is your Master’s degree if you can’t figure out where a car door handle is? And why didn’t he open the door for you if he’s such a gentleman?”

“I’m glad he didn’t. I find men who open car doors for women pretentious. It’s unsustainable,” I say. “Anyway, it’s a wonderful car, sijui Escalade or maybe it was a Maybach, I don’t know. But I remember that it felt like we were sitting in the cockpit of a Dreamliner. He said he was going to pass by his house for a second to sijui enable some security system, or whatever, I didn’t really listen to his reason, I was busy trying not to touch one of his knobs.”

Gina laughs. She’s cutting carrots. Her help is not due until later in the evening.

“He lives around Muthaiga area, this big house with a winding driveway like in Uncle Phil’s house in Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Actually it looked exactly the same except Uncle Phil’s is all white, and his is grey bricks, somewhat British. He left me in the car and ran into the house…”

“Were the lights on?”

“What?”

“The lights in his house, were they on?”

I try to think. They could have been.

“Why does it matter?”

“Because if he had lights on that meant that there was someone in the house.”

“Like a butler, you mean?”

He kissed me just after my periods had ended. Of course he didn’t know it, but just before my ovulation, I feel like a goat on heat. I get so randy that I avoid going to the gym because my gym instructor, who I don’t find in the least bit attractive, suddenly sends bolts of longing into my girlie parts when he holds my waist from behind to assist me during squats. I get so randy that men who I otherwise wouldn’t look at suddenly become more interesting. In those four days before ovulation I wear bright colours like a peacock, maybe to announce to the male species that I’m open for mating. It’s madness, in those days. He probed my mouth with his tongue, like he was searching for answers to the question of where ducks go when ponds freeze in winter. I could feel his hard boxer chest squash my chest and even though my tits do nothing for me, I could feel them wail in euphoria. I was a mess.

The kiss lasted not more than a minute, outside my car at Mama Ashanti where he said he was in the mood for pepper soup. A Kisii with a West African palate. In the immortal words of Jeff Koinange, “My, oooh my!” I was in my highest heels because I was feeling sexy and powerful and sexually liberated, and now I was his height as we stood in the parking lot snogging like teenagers. He didn’t look 58-years but his skin was thick around his chin. I could see how they folded, darkened and were slightly bumpy from years of shaving and balming. He had the curious eyes of a newborn foal. He shaves everything on his chin and everything on his head to hide the balding. He always buttons his shirts all the way up to his neck whether it’s polo shirts or dress shirts. This shows the form of his shoulders more; taut and broad and ready to be offloaded to offsprings like him. The world would be much better for it, I thought in my rubbish post-menses state.

If he had asked me to come back to Uncle Phil’s house, I would have laughed and said no. If he had urged again I would have said, yes but added a warning that I had an early morning status meeting. I didn’t.

“Babe, your father is, what, five years older than this man?” Gina asks, shaking pepper into the simmering beef stew. The kitchen smells of garlic. Her son, who is back from playing outside, knees soiled, is now seated, transfixed before a cartoon playing on TV in the living room.

“It’s not like I want to introduce them to each other.” I say. “In fact, this might not go anywhere.”

“I doubt.” She says, steam from the pot rising to her face. “You have gone for many dates with him and you talk about him like he’s Tywin Lannister.”

“More like a well-matured Jaime Lannister with the cheek and brights of Tyrion.”

“Well, this guy may well turn out to be just your Ilyn Payne and have your head on a chopping board.”

She opens the fridge and peeks inside. White light floods her face. She’s wearing African print dungaree shorts – long beautiful dark and well toned legs jut out from the shorts. “Faridah, I don’t know. I think this guy is fishy as hell, what does he do anyway?”

I didn’t hear from him for a week after pepper soup. Maybe he was still digesting it. The kiss, that is. When he surfaced he pinged me on Whatsapp when I was just about to start thinking that perhaps I’m not such a great kisser after all.

Hey, Brown-skin.

Hey, stranger. Did you disappear to rehab? 🙂

Ha-ha. How have you been?

I’m fantastic. You?

Not bad. Just work and things. How is your day looking today?

You disappeared for a week, where d….

I deleted that. It would sound needy and overbearing. I’m neither of those two things. I’m a strong and well-balanced woman. On most days.

I tried again…

I just realised that you never quite told me what you do for a living last time I asked. You aren’t a fugitive, a gunrunner or a sorcerer, are you?

He was offline. So I sat at my desk and waited, holding my cup of herbal tea against my chest for warmth. Across the room the massive photo copier spewed paper incessantly. Someone was printing out the Bible.

Phil is online.

For years I dealt in glass production, I still do to some extent. Now I’m involved heavily in research, mostly studies in glass surfaces in optical contact….boring stuff. 🙂 So can I buy you dinner tomorrow?

Study in what-now?

After writing that I didn’t know what else to say, so I wrote.

Will you tell me things about glass that I didn’t know? [I was flirting]

Sure, if you come with a pillow. Talk later, Brown-skin.

Later. 🙂

But then he was already offline and my “later” would remain grey tick for 18 hours. That was the thing with this guy, he’d simply go under the radar and I’d not know if he’s surfaced in Sao Paulo or if he is just across in Muyenga, Kampala. He was like a mystery, a shadow. But then I thought; he’s 58-years old, and if he’s anything like my father, he must struggle with modern communication apps. In fact in his house I could almost see a vintage rotary telephone, something straight out of MadMen.

“ You can’t be sure he doesn’t have a wife or wives or many children,” Gina says. “And now most married men lose their wedding bands accidentally a week after the wedding.”

“Well, I don’t know. But if he has a wife, she doesn’t live here,” I say. We are waiting for the rice to come to a boil. She’s on her phone, going through her IG.

“Is he on Facebook?” She laughs.

“Nope. But I haven’t checked Snapchat.”

We laugh.

“Anyway, you are a big girl you know what you have to do, so do you, babe,” she says. “But I think this guy has things he hasn’t told you, that’s all.”

Dinner turned out to be in his house. Uncle Phil’s. There wasn’t any vintage rotary telephone, but there was a massive chandelier made from what looked like glass or crystal. It hung over the massive marble foyer and a stairway with a heavy wooden banister, curving its way up to the upper floors, now darkened. It seemed excessive, this decor. Everything was elaborate. Dinner was at the terrace in a different section of the house overlooking a fountain and a garden lit by what looked like floodlights. You could play rugby there at night. An old woman in uniform served us. I avoided her eyes. I don’t remember dinner very well, but I remember that after my third glass of wine we ended up in his bedroom which wasn’t a bedroom but this massive suite with a working area and windows that ran from one end of the wall to the other. The sheers were drawn. No curtains.

I was in my black small dress. No knickers, because I’m a risque kinda lady, but which was a very bad idea because four rosés later when we started making out on the sofa he placed his hand on my inner thigh and accidentally brushed my lady part (thankfully waxed to within an inch of her life). I was afraid he would think that I was too anticipatory or presumptuous of the evening. But I knew we had crossed the Rubicon. His big hand was either cupping my small breasts or running down my back, searching for my ass and even though I have a fairly ample ass, when he finally slipped his hand under me and grabbed them, his hand threatened to envelope my one cheek.Big and eager boxer hands. I felt dizzy. Jazz, I remember, played somewhere. Piped music. I also remember his hardened torso when his shirt came off, a torso with a hard paunch that had a streak of hair running down to his navel, as if pointing at his groin area in case I didn’t know where to find that. I don’t remember my bra coming off, but I remember in a trance the sound of my zipper running down on my back and a snappy click of plastic giving way and voila my bra was loose in a tick. He had used one hand. It was like magic. No man has ever removed my bra in that quick motion; a good number fumble with it, especially this particular bra with a complicated hook. I looked at him and said, “You are so good at that, you must do this a lot to unsuspecting girls.” And with his nose in my neck, taking lungfuls of me, he had growled in that crook of my neck, “I don’t do girls.” I shivered.

As you would expect, I found myself stark naked in his four poster bed, with him leaning over me, still in his trousers, his 58-year old manhood pressing against me like he had a Nokia 5110 stuffed in his pants. Oh, the story I will have for Gina tomorrow. I held him back gently and said, “You have a condom, right?” And when he said, “I’m allergic to latex.” I reflexively tried to close my legs. “I…I can’t…we can’t do this without protection.” I said.

“Oh, don’t worry, Brown-skin, I’m safe.” He nibbled the tip of my nose with his small teeth. I didn’t know my nose was ticklish. “I renewed my health insurance only two months ago. I’m as clean as a whistle.”

Clean as a whistle. Last time I heard that simile was in primo. Well, as much as I liked my nose to be nibbled, I was too keen to proceed with this without protection.

“I can’t,” I stammered, wishing I could sound more decisive. “Besides, I’m ovulating.”

He laughed. “I will withdraw.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed him off me and covered my nudity with my dress because deep down I’m still a Catholic girl like that character in Jackson Biko’s novella Drunk. He sat at the edge of the bed wearing a long pleading face, his big hand holding my leg as if I might escape through the window.
We had a small, intense back and forth about protection and I held my own; nothing was going to happen tonight unless one of three things happened; either he did a test, showed me test results of his HIV test or he used a condom.

“Faridah, let’s be reasonable.” He said evenly. Now I had stopped being brown-skin, now I was just plain Faridah. He looked ridiculous sitting there shirtless, his pants looking like a small strawberry plant was growing from his groin area. I like strawberries, especially in my mojito, but I want to know how my strawberries are handled first.

“I am being reasonable.” I said impressed at how firm I sounded even though my nipples betrayed my newfound firmness. They were not working with me. I was starting to get cold lying there covering myself with my small dress. “I’m sorry, maybe we can do this when we are both ready.” I made as if to stand up and he jumped up quickly and said, “No, no, whoa, be easy. Stay the night then, we can cuddle!”

I laughed. God, men are all the same even at 58. Cuddle? What a laugh. Then, what, in the middle of the night he will tell me that he just wants to place the head in? Just the head?

“Tonight is not the night for cuddling,” I said, sitting up. “I don’t cuddle on Sundays,” I smiled at him, “Sundays I want to sleep alone so that I wake up on Mondays hungry to take over the corporate world. If I cuddle I will wake up soft and someone will just move my cheese.”

He laughed. “ Or eat it….so, what can I do? What can we do to rescue this situation…I mean I can’t do a test now at 9:23pm….”

“Well, you can,” I said.

“How?” He asked with a smile, “Do you walk around with a kit in your clutch purse?”

“No, but I know of a website that sells these HIV Self Test Kits.” I reached for my phone and logged onto www.besure.co.ke and looked for the nearest pharmacy open at that hour that sells the kit. He stood at the foot of the bed, looking defeated. Amazing how men all become boys when they are in a situation like this. It doesn’t matter if he’s 25 or 58, before the nakedness of a woman, they are all stripped off their age and they remain boys.

“Goodlife Pharmacy at Junction is open until 10pm.” I told him. He looked up at the clock over the bed, cursed under his breath, wore his shirt, slipped into rubber sandals and ran out the door. “Are you going to drive all the way to Junction? It’s 30mins to closing time, you won’t make it!” I find it amusing and ridiculous the heights men will go to, to get laid.

“Maybe I won’t make it, but I can try,” he said, standing at the door. “There is more wine in the mini fridge over there. Please don’t put on your clothes.”

He winked. Then the door shut and I could hear his footsteps furiously clopping down the wooden staircase, a banging front door and the screeching of the tyres of his weird car going round the circular driveway. And he was gone.

I sat there in the big silent house, holding my dress against my boobs. Maybe today is the day someone at Goodlife pharmacy will close 12 minutes later than usual.

***
Friday December 1st is World Aids Day. Get tested. Or test yourself with a self-test kit. For support see details here www.besure.co.ke

166 Responses
  • Sev
    29.11.2017

    Whoop Whoop….




    1
    • Vic Vinci
      29.11.2017

      I don’t know if Etemesi hacked Biko’s account or if he will continue this…well…no one knows




      9
      • Ayuma
        29.11.2017

        Hahahahahahaha . . . . . . yeah right, it actually felt like reading one of Etemesi’s tales!




        5
      • Derrick Odhiambo Adang'
        02.12.2017

        Haha, sure!




        0
      • Mildred Akinyi
        03.12.2017

        This was boring. Etemesi is the only person who knows how to write intense erotica. Biko should stick to his PG stuff.




        0
    • Muoki Mary
      30.11.2017

      well……that’s not exactly the kind of read i was looking for. I don’t mean to be rude but compared to the stuff you feed us on Biko that was mmhh….a let down.




      12
      • Sam
        01.12.2017

        I agree, good writing, bull shit content




        0
  • Alexander Mwangi
    29.11.2017

    First




    1
    • Njeri
      29.11.2017

      I’m sorry Alex. Better luck next time….




      6
  • Mukiri
    29.11.2017

    Its a Wednesday. I don’t know how the story made me feel.




    11
    • jetnimoh
      29.11.2017

      ha ha ha ha i know right…….feeling mathogothaniyo




      9
      • Mukiri
        29.11.2017

        Correct.




        0
  • Bumble Bee
    29.11.2017

    Karibu Sana Biko. You stood us up Jana but I’m glad you made it up to us today. Hope you enjoyed your holiday.
    Baraka xx




    11
    • Bumble Bee
      29.11.2017

      Latex free condoms? Herpes? Syphilis? The others?
      Anyway, Kula life na adabu

      But, I will have you know, the whole goat on heat vibe during ovulation is no joke. I kid you not, every other man just seems to be 10x sexier.




      68
      • Rubie
        29.11.2017

        Hahahahhaha. Story of my life




        0
      • Ruthie
        29.11.2017

        Biology can mess us up at times. This period is usually no joke…prayers galore before you make dumb choices.
        This statement killed me ” I could smell a deer’s sneeze two kilometers away”




        5
    • Rael
      29.11.2017

      I kept refreshing the page, now today almost feels like a Tuesday 🙂




      2
  • kate
    29.11.2017

    1st




    2
  • Bumble Bee
    29.11.2017

    We left the light on the hall for when you came
    Back and the key under the mat.
    The kettle was on we hope you made some tea.
    Karibu Sana Biko. You stood us up Jana but I’m glad you made it up to us today. Hope you enjoyed your holiday.
    Baraka xx.




    10
  • Robert
    29.11.2017

    Us and Children! The same? C’mon.
    By the way, You broke the 2nd Commandment, Keeping the Tuesday..




    2
  • evans
    29.11.2017

    Its Wednesday! nice read though




    0
  • Robert Roberts
    29.11.2017

    Us and Children! The same? C’mon.
    By the way, You broke the 2nd Commandment, Keeping the Tuesday..




    0
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    29.11.2017

    Biko I thought you said no writing about migwatos! Good point though; we all should get tested.




    12
    • Anne
      29.11.2017

      So are you and bumblebee really never going to give us the dirt…




      9
    • Anne
      29.11.2017

      So are you and bumble bee really not going to give us the dirt?




      0
      • Bumble Bee
        29.11.2017

        Hahhaha. No dirt to be served Anne. Just clean plates




        2
  • Elvis Mayaka
    29.11.2017

    finally…




    0
  • Wahito
    29.11.2017

    Hehehe this is interesting




    0
  • Mark
    29.11.2017

    Game of Thrones references! Whoooo!

    Also, I saw that shameless plug for your novella, Biko… Shame!

    https://thispostisabout.wordpress.com




    16
  • Muthoni
    29.11.2017

    Did you just serve us erotica?




    26
    • David
      29.11.2017

      My thoughts exactly did he actually use a female persona




      5
    • Mary
      29.11.2017

      The “mills and boons kind




      5
  • Riri
    29.11.2017

    I feel cheated but will take this as a ‘making up’.
    love and love




    0
  • Bilha
    29.11.2017

    I love the lesson




    0
  • Irene
    29.11.2017

    Good one, i like it




    0
  • Damaris Roulette
    29.11.2017

    Biko, you are hilarious!! Each and every scene was vividly described yani Lupita in Shuga has nothing on Faridah and 58!!! Good read!! I want a sequel. I want a mini-movie. I want a Chanel-type of commercial with these characters. It is for a good cause anyway. 🙂
    Why did Faridah not think of Latex free condoms from the pharmacy instead of the kit? I mean, Herpes and makaswende ziko pia and those you can’t hope away just because you are in your ovulation window and your foxes are howlin’. Ebu let me go back to work and try to forget the scent of necks and the appearance of strawberry trees and taut chests. Mateso za usiku wa manane mimi Biko sipendangi. nkt.




    67
    • Naseem
      29.11.2017

      Hahahahahahahahahahaaa you made my day.




      0
    • Mushie
      29.11.2017

      I also want a sequel/mini movie..




      0
  • Eva
    29.11.2017

    Did the man make it? Is he married? Lots of questions here!!




    3
  • allan
    29.11.2017

    Hahaha we will do anything to get laid…




    0
  • Tony Onyango
    29.11.2017

    Now whose mind is this you are in, Biko. The description is so vivid that I imagine in your next life you would be this girl.
    Anyway, the depths men would take to get laid. Get tested




    6
  • James
    29.11.2017

    So did he manage to get the test?
    Everyman has gone through that, its one of the most traumatizing experiences hehe
    I feel for the man




    0
  • Kaluki Kyalo
    29.11.2017

    Message home. I hope one day we’ll get to know whether this stranger got to Junction in time.




    1
  • Kate
    29.11.2017

    This was beautifully written. & quite informative too. I love that she stood her ground.




    7
  • Clement Ndege
    29.11.2017

    The lengths we will go to get laid…




    4
  • Kimani
    29.11.2017

    I can smell Nduta in this story. By the way, where did Nduta go? We miss her. A nice one though!!

    PS: Last time we agreed it’s Period not Periods.




    6
    • G
      29.11.2017

      it’s period?? not am having my periods????




      0
  • Kanish
    29.11.2017

    Woi.I want that part after the kit was bought 🙁




    5
  • DanielMaina
    29.11.2017

    Who wrote this piece?such good writing..




    3
    • Carol
      29.11.2017

      So many literary gems…loved it, Biko.

      FYI – white brogues… No… (too shouty)….brown maybe….Always Oxfords, never brogues…

      Still enjoying the gems…
      ..he’s a “humoursexual,” and I asked ‘What the hell is that?’ and he said he only sleeps with people he can laugh with…”.
      …..I take men with a pinch of salt. That way they taste better.”




      4
  • Life’s Good
    29.11.2017

    First thing I did after getting to office is check my personal, then this came through, I shared with everyone on my Skype (In my office we work with Skype as opposed to the “vintage rotary telephone from MadMen) that I know loves reading, that was before I even read it. My Skype is now full of extracts; copied, pasted and quoted (this has become a topic of discussion) mostly from women. Those who didn’t know Biko are all asking who is this guy. Some want pantie liners




    27
  • Zay
    29.11.2017

    Is it just me or did anyone else read chiromancy as Chiromba *eye roll*.
    Hahaha, yes that ovulation vibe is truth and then some. At that time, anything looks hump-able, what’s with the heightened sense of smell and the wetness too….Only a woman’s body i tell ya.
    Why is this Chiromba word stuck in my brain *face palm*
    The good life indeedy ☺




    10
  • Shiru muigai
    29.11.2017

    Hehehe very vivid very erotic ….




    2
  • Claudia
    29.11.2017

    Yap. Get tested people. Nice one Biko




    1
  • Mwendemicheni
    29.11.2017

    Wow Biko! I feel like this just gave me a hangover. And yes, thanks for the reminder. Have to get tested.




    1
  • Winnie
    29.11.2017

    hahaha he really went for the Test kit wow

    Love it




    0
  • GM
    29.11.2017

    Don’t you just admire Farida’s resolve!? Get Tested.
    30min I’d too much time if he really wants to get laid. Damn!




    1
  • BATTISTA
    29.11.2017

    A Nokia 5110. That’s not wood, that metal.
    Good read!




    10
  • Maureen
    29.11.2017

    Wow




    0
  • The Duchess
    29.11.2017

    Saucyyyy. Loved this narrative. Especially the cliffhanger at the end.




    0
  • Lizzie
    29.11.2017

    WOW! I love this article! So well written! I truly want to be this lady’s friend. The humor!

    Our stories are very similar only mine ended way before I could have him run to the chemist in the middle of the night. These older men though! They’ll be the end of us. Your either old or a boy these days.. I can’t stand boys.

    Again, amazing article. Great choice of words.. Biko, have her write more often




    0
  • Robert Maina
    29.11.2017

    Biko who wrote this story…your alter ego is a 32yr old lady….lol…. Good read as always




    7
  • Lydia
    29.11.2017

    Thank you for the laughter.I am entertained.
    And to you all fit 58 year old men who don’t do girls,you have many many fans.




    1
  • Mish...
    29.11.2017

    Let’s all get tested.




    1
  • Ravate bill
    29.11.2017

    Biko you are such a talent.So faridah believes the guy is divorced!!??
    Men will always be men.
    Good read.Its worth it….let’s always get tested.




    2
  • Keishe was Karamuzi
    29.11.2017

    Eerrm I love Faridah,,but how didn’t she know he wouldn’t have condoms? Always carry your testkit and condoms sister




    1
  • Grace Yaa
    29.11.2017

    I hope you maliza this piece. Is he married? Did she get over him? Did he get the kit? HAHAHA! I hope she dressed up and left and told Gina ’bout it on her way home hahaha

    Thank you Biko!




    1
  • Banana
    29.11.2017

    Etemessy was here .

    Awesome read .




    2
  • Anny
    29.11.2017

    Biko this is j hilarious but i can so relate to below….
    get so randy that men who I otherwise wouldn’t look at suddenly become more interesting. In those four days before ovulation I wear bright colours like a peacock, maybe to announce to the male species that I’m open for mating. It’s madness, in those days.




    1
  • Eva W.
    29.11.2017

    Uuuuh such chemistry….I don’t think it’s Biko that wrote this though…..Biko clarify?!




    1
  • Joyyy
    29.11.2017

    Here I am thinking I was late to the party…to read the post AND the comments. Well…I guess uum…I guess knowing your status is vital.
    Part II please hata kama it was pretty clear the end game was about AIDS awareness.




    2
  • Johnny
    29.11.2017

    Wow….This piece’s awesome, The vivid description had me doubting whether it’s still Biko penning this down. In another world, you would have been quite the lady.




    1
  • Brand Lubian
    29.11.2017

    WORLD AIDS DAY, let’s get tested and most importantly lets stop stigma against the the infected.




    2
  • Lenah
    29.11.2017

    wow!!!! Just wow




    0
  • wanjiru shiro
    29.11.2017

    very nice…..is there a continuation to this?pretty please?




    2
  • Liz
    29.11.2017

    Nice one Biko




    0
  • Emily
    29.11.2017

    I like lesson here. Stay WOKE. Don’t let the large glass windows,flashy cars,crazy lighting ,brogues and over-the-top chandeliers fool you.




    14
  • WinnieMimz
    29.11.2017

    Great post! A caution on those self test kits though, found this video on besure.co.ke that states if someone is HIV and undergoing treatment the results will show NEGATIVE. Watch here https://youtu.be/dlldduI79ic?t=15s

    I guess its safe to say just use a CONDOM.




    3
  • Abdullah omar
    29.11.2017

    thanks for the tip! palm reading my next line of attack!




    7
  • Eliani
    29.11.2017

    Great piece!




    0
  • G
    29.11.2017

    ‘and voila my bra was loose in a tick. He had used one hand. It was like magic. No man has ever removed my bra in that quick motion; a good number fumble with it, especially this particular bra with a complicated hook’
    That is indeed magic.. 😀 I should get tested though.. and never understood why I tense so much while waiting for the results..




    2
    • Mims
      29.11.2017

      Maybe you half know the result,*shrugs*




      0
      • G
        29.11.2017

        that is when you remember all possible scenarios in your head. … there was guy X.. .. and guy Y and guy 10.. 😀




        0
  • Phyllis
    29.11.2017

    Nice read, and very familiar, hehe, can just imagine the dude running down those stairs..




    2
    • Mims
      29.11.2017

      LOL..




      0
    • G
      29.11.2017

      And he told her .. do not put on your clothes… how now??




      1
  • Ian
    29.11.2017

    Nokia 5510 .LOL…
    Interesting turn of events. Great cliffhanger! esp for the mamis in bright colours today looking to read this Biko’s ‘vanilla’ post later.

    Also yes. We should all stay woke.




    6
  • jetnimoh
    29.11.2017

    “”Amazing how men all become boys when they are in a situation like this. It doesn’t matter if he’s 25 or 58, before the nakedness of a woman, they are all stripped off their age and they remain boys.””
    AGREED AGREED, great read




    0
  • Mims
    29.11.2017

    Eti Nokia 5110?LOL that cracked me up.Good read,as always and yea,that girl is bold.Insisting on protection even when you’re at your most vulnerable state is quite commendable,only,society keeps seeing fornication as normal.which shouldn’t




    1
  • Amuj Lio
    29.11.2017

    It’s weno Biko, i kept on refreshing my email till 11.59pm jana!!! Nyc read though we need to know if the guy made it




    0
    • Elsa
      29.11.2017

      of course the guy made it….dude is so determined!!lol




      0
  • Anne
    29.11.2017

    This piece is awesome. Leaves one in suspense just like drunk. Biko…you make me happy.




    1
  • Nice post from ‘Jacqueline’, chocoman’s female alter ego. Thought you said no erotica, yet if it looks, talks, smells, reads like erotica, then you bet it is erotica. Maybe next it will be a political post..who knows?
    Can’t get past, “I just realised that you never quite told me what you do for a living last time I asked. You aren’t a fugitive, a gunrunner or a sorcerer, are you?”
    Sorcery at it’s finest means the unique ability to make a woman so angry that smoke is coming out of her nose and ears, and she isn’t even a smoker. Many men have this ability.
    Get tested!




    6
  • Mumbi
    29.11.2017

    Biko are you sure you wrote this? Its such a different voice, who says ‘periods’? I don’t know….am just not convinced you wrote this, you are too clean, this is a little rough, its white, a little bland almost, none of the spice you have. Am not convinced you wrote this.




    1
    • Barbara
      29.11.2017

      Come on this was beautiful! The vivid description of places and people, the back and forth between the two friends, the jumping from the present to the past, or is it the future, was magnificently done. And it toyed with the border of erotica so well I was half-aroused and half-ashamed of myself for being aroused.
      Also, can something be both rough and bland? Methinks not




      6
    • Lisa
      29.11.2017

      Potatoes gon potate




      2
  • Joy
    29.11.2017

    Ovulation is a dare devil. Damn, I though I was the only one in this!




    0
  • Barbara
    29.11.2017

    I got used to the doom and gloom on this blog the past few months so I kept reading, waiting for something bad to happen. I thought Gina’s kid would fall out the glass kitchen doors. I thought Faridah would have sex with that guy sans protection and get AIDS and now she’s in her 40s wishing she insisted on latex condoms. I thought this nameless guy with the folded chin (ugh) and a hard paunch (honestly?) would fall down his marble staircase with the elaborate bannister and break his neck while running for condoms and this chick would be accused of murder and she’s now 40-something in a prison cell in Kamiti. I’m actually shocked nothing bad happened. I’m not sure I remember how to breathe even.

    PS: This better not be Jack(que?)line writing. This better be an actual chick writing this story because otherwise, Mzee Biko, we need to talk about how unfair it is for one person to have all this talent while some of us can’t string two ‘ba’s to make ‘baba’




    32
    • A-Kay 47
      29.11.2017

      Haha the fifty eight old would definitely do you. Your imagination is humorous




      2
    • Rachael Kibe
      03.12.2017

      Hahaha, Really? This was a good break thou




      1
  • Kalekye
    29.11.2017

    so informative.
    I didn’t want thos story to end,kinda wished ot was a novella.
    best writer yet!!




    1
  • Cheru Kipkorir
    29.11.2017

    A Kisii with a West African Palate.. I found that so hilarious. I will reuse it with the appropriate amendments. A good read.




    2
  • Mushie
    29.11.2017

    “I haven’t read Corinthians but I could swear it’s supposed to be read in this man’s voice…”

    Aiyayaiya..this article is hilarious…




    6
    • Unknown Warrior
      30.11.2017

      very hilarious, absolutely….im here laughing my silly head off at 2 am…




      1
  • Jacob
    29.11.2017

    ……………………and the screeching of the tyres of his weird car going round the circular driveway. And he was gone

    Burning rubber so he can burn rubber later-MOTIVATION




    12
  • Kisenya
    29.11.2017

    It’s Wednesday, Biko. Don’t tell me you were in Kasarani/Jacaranda grounds yesterday.




    0
  • Elsa
    29.11.2017

    why wont he make it…dude is so determined!!lol




    0
  • Faridah
    29.11.2017

    …Of course by the time he got back I was back in my loft faster than you can say “F__k da police” I struggled with the gate as the watchie had chomokad into the SQ real quick. Must be what they call Nigerian gates.. Heavy AF!

    But Biko exaggeration much the dude was barely 40 but for the purposes of this story he was 45’ish and a silver fox! Thats my story and I”m sticking to it!…. 58 is a grandpa bana! I simply cant.

    Those asking whether he was married … let him get over his jetlag from his “business” trip to Tijuana as in Mexico akuje atuambie. Never heard of anyone going to do business in Tijuana unless its tequila or avocado. Ha! Maybe he’s tryna make me some avocado toast…. millennial reference anyone? … or nah?

    Anyways …issa nice story Biko!




    10
  • Emily
    29.11.2017

    And there…… Felt like I am reading a caption from Fifty Shades Darker! Great piece Biko.




    1
  • Nerrie
    29.11.2017

    Wow! A must share




    0
  • fridah
    29.11.2017

    Someone’s printing the bible..hehe




    0
  • Caleen
    29.11.2017

    At least Faridah was not raped,sometimes it can end badly…. Feeling mushy mushy now




    1
  • ngina
    29.11.2017

    wuelelele… I NEED CLOSURE




    2
  • Carol Ohonde
    29.11.2017

    WTH!! Did he make it???!!!!
    Sema cliffhanger wah!
    Different style today.
    Please end it ABeg oh!




    1
  • Selina
    29.11.2017

    Get tested sawa, Lakini Hii story haijaisha…….. suspense, Biko you are missing in this write up.




    1
  • Torea
    29.11.2017

    Biko….has your friend Ezekiel Mutua seen this?




    8
    • Unknown Warrior
      30.11.2017

      Hehehehehehehehe….. Ezekial Mutua is one sanctimonious dweeb….. let the fool be…




      0
    • Unknown Warrior
      30.11.2017

      Biko …… boss u shafted us a good one jana, but its all good!!
      Now this Gina and Farida pair need to make regular and intermittent appearances when you decide to go AWOL .
      I swear I have laughed my arse off kabisa.. splendid writing bruh!!




      1
    • Tabz
      30.11.2017

      Btw this Ezekuel Mutua guy should see this.. hehe




      0
  • Peninah
    29.11.2017

    BikoZulu, you are the best writer there is in the whole wide world. Your other good strories end well with a conclusion except this one. You left me hanging in the air. Please what happened? Did he find the pharmacy open?

    Peninah




    1
  • Wambui
    29.11.2017

    So now? Did he get laid or not?




    0
  • Wa Mso
    29.11.2017

    Nice read. Quite a suspense. All the same, know the status of your empire as King Kaka would put it.




    0
  • Renah Daisy
    29.11.2017

    Lit AF




    0
  • GhostReader
    29.11.2017

    The heights men will climb to get laid. Nice read but I can bet Biko didn’t write this. The deal breaker is when a lady makes you jump through the hoops to get it only for the lay to turn out so lame or completely rubbish. You just lay there feeling defeated and cheated. I actually do become suicidal,,,,talk of post coital psychosis hehehe




    4
    • Salim
      29.11.2017

      I feel you, after all the effort you want the lay to be worth the trouble and the drama…post coital psychosis (what a phrase!) is for real




      0
    • Sereti
      09.12.2017

      Hahahahahaha. Suicidal you say? You look for another one quickly to …you know? LOL




      0
  • Wambui Mwaura
    29.11.2017

    Awesome Read… as always!!!




    0
  • Eunice
    29.11.2017

    Whoa!!. He had an index finger the size of a sausage.??? hahahaha…




    2
    • Ocampo
      06.12.2017

      Rings a bell of past experience???




      0
  • Catladymi
    29.11.2017

    Hilarious af week made




    0
  • Nancy
    29.11.2017

    Did the 58yr old man get to the pharmacy on time?

    ####suspense




    0
  • Tabz
    30.11.2017

    Does this ‘I am only inserting the head/tip thing’ still exist? KEKEKE




    0
  • Mueni Mutiso
    30.11.2017

    What a great way to share the importance of HIV testing! Well in Biko!!




    1
  • Evans
    30.11.2017

    Nice article “…searching for answers to the question of where ducks go when ponds freeze in winter…” reminds me of Catcher In The Rye




    0
    • Faridah
      30.11.2017

      A Salinger classic for sure!




      0
  • Siobhan
    30.11.2017

    Aii. Biko leo… not sure about this one… not sure at all




    0
  • Empress Helena
    30.11.2017

    Suspense……………………..




    0
  • Njoki
    30.11.2017

    waiting for continuation..




    0
  • Ocampo
    30.11.2017

    Interesting what Faridah and Biko take us through today, you should see the tent on my trouser, only to be disappointed by the cliffhanger. Two things made me wait for the journey down ‘valley road’ eargerly;
    1. “No man has ever removed my bra in that quick motion; a good number fumble with it, especially this particular bra with a complicated hook” Gal is experienced in these manenos, expecting that her body count should be in the thousands, so I was expecting a rough one huko mwisho.
    2. She didnt have her knickers….oooi!!! But if you are coming without knickers, why not have some condoms in your purse. Who knows what security risk you are exposing someone to, running for latex in the thick of the night? Alshabab, armed robbers, night runners, NTSA alcoblow…….ladies should be abit fair, now that we know at the sight of river Jordan we all become boys.

    Biko, can you have Bumblebee drop a guest post about her encounter with Pete Wesh????




    3
    • The Granny's Corner
      30.11.2017

      Haha! Tent! I can smell the experience as well with an arrow pointing ‘down here’ to his tent.




      0
  • Ocampo
    30.11.2017

    Faridah just committed a crime against humanity. Cant wish it even on my worst enemies.




    0
  • Anyango Del Rio
    30.11.2017

    Trying to copy Philip Etemesi’s style?




    0
  • Guchu
    30.11.2017

    Lol… hio biology lesson nayo. Love love.

    I almost feel embarrassed…ati 39 and i am learning something new about a woman’s body in this storo.. they left the juicy stuff out of 844 homescience… na kumbe that is what was going to get me into soo much trouble malaters in life !




    0
  • Sharlene
    30.11.2017

    This was so so good… I definitely want more of this!! Keep it coming please




    0
  • MN
    30.11.2017

    Biko serving us erotica. Good one as always




    0
  • Kish
    30.11.2017

    Haha
    This is definitely Biko’s voice… The humour and style of writing, definitely his… Or Jacqueline’s
    Such an awesome piece..was definitely worth the 24hrs wait.




    0
  • Kahawa
    30.11.2017

    I could have sworn this was Nduta! Refreshing read.




    0
  • The Granny's Corner
    30.11.2017

    When I started this, I felt like Biko was watching that widlife show. How else would he think about a deer’s smell? Or a goat on heat? And then the Lannisters come in with a dragon at the end of the month.

    So every man wants to get laid until the get laid to rest. SMH! Goodlife




    0
  • Rish
    01.12.2017

    Nice how you slipped in Aid’s day!




    0
  • Thikerian
    01.12.2017

    The woman Biko will become in his next life meets the man he hopes to be when he is 58.




    0
  • Jogu
    01.12.2017

    “If I cuddle I will wake up soft and someone will just move my cheese” .. There is no lower point of helplessness as that time you get her naked and for some reason you can’t do noting, or worse still she asks una-do?




    1
  • Achman
    02.12.2017

    Hehehe, Phyl makes migwatos look like a matter of life and death.
    Meanwhile, Achman leaves footsteps here https://georgeach.wordpress.com/2017/12/01/dear-future-love/




    2
  • Kerubo
    02.12.2017

    Wow, great to know that I’m not the only one running around like a horny goat before ovulation. It is true about finding the most loathsome man attractive during this period. It’s always a crazy four days.




    0
    • Ocampo
      06.12.2017

      How I wish it was possible to single out the gals who are going through this. It would make our work too easy




      0
  • Gizmoh
    02.12.2017

    Was the chemist closed 12 minutes later?




    1
  • Allan
    03.12.2017

    before the nakedness of a woman, they are all stripped off their age and they remain boys…..
    We do all stuff of things to get laid us men.




    0
  • Mwengi
    04.12.2017

    Good read!

    At 58 and all that work for A$$ ? must be drought season for this guy




    0
  • Zoella Leken
    04.12.2017

    This is too much for the conservative Kenyan culture… I refuse it.




    0
  • Chemutai
    05.12.2017

    You sick son of Man. More please. More




    1
  • Mo
    05.12.2017

    Seriously Biko, where’s the rest of the story, you left us hanging.




    0
    • Pamela Chemelil
      07.12.2017

      Eish….Game of throne citations ..

      I want to know what happened? Was it a cuddly Sunday?




      0
  • Raphael
    06.12.2017

    As usual a gooood read,I love the mix and the educative ending




    0
  • Wams
    07.12.2017

    And Biko, we caught the reference from catcher in the rye… Nice read.




    0
  • Rachael
    08.12.2017

    Always a great read if you get a visual when reading. I love it!




    0
  • Kariuki $leepy
    08.12.2017

    Your comment*
    At least i could join ha’ and ha’ to make haha




    0
  • maggy
    09.12.2017

    really boring




    0

What do you think?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *