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Wounds

Duma slipped and hit his head on the edge of the stair. He was 18-months old. It’s ironic. His dad, being the overly careful first-time father, had made the decision for the family to move to a bungalow to avoid their son falling off any high floors. He was working at an advertising agency as was his then live-in girlfriend, Duma’s mom. Neighbours and the help rushed him to Gertrude’s. There the parents got an ambulance and transferred him to Aga Khan Hospital. This was on a Thursday in 2010. He was unconscious – on life support – that ugly machine that gurgles and whines and pumps life. His small head lay there against the white sheets of the small bed. They took turns sitting by his bed. The doctors had put him in an induced coma because his brain had started swelling and it wouldn’t stop.

Doctors would show up with their indecipherable scowls and stethoscopes dangling from their necks like broken nooses, peering at clipboards, speaking in soft assuring voices while their words echoed ominously. His brain finally swelled so much it finally broke his brain stem and killed him. The young lady doctor who broke the news to the couple on a Saturday morning broke down and cried more than they did. He told them to leave him on life support machine. Let him stay on it, he told them. The doctor later explained to them the futility of keeping him on a machine when he was already dead and the financial implications of it all. He was adamant – his son was not getting off life support.

“When I went to see him on Sunday morning and stuff was coming out of his nose,” he says. It dawned on him that he was gone and wasn’t coming back. With his girlfriend, they made the decision to turn off the life support. And they did it together. “You could see his blood pressure dropping, all his vitals dimming and it took…“ he pauses and sighs, “…it took maybe 20 minutes for everything to flatline. They were the fucking hardest 20 minutes of my life, man.”

“That must have been tough,” I say.

“Yeah. We were holding hands as we watched everything shut down. My friends – all grown men – were bursting into tears in the corridors. Everybody was just crying – my girlfriend was inconsolable. [pause]. It was a such an ugly moment. Very ugly.” His elbow is leaning on the bar counter. He’s slowly rubbing his clean shaven scalp with his hand, like you would rub the fur of a pet.

“You know, they tell you that the death of a child brings you together,” he says. “It doesn’t. I started running away from all that pain, from her, from anything that reminded me of my son’s death. Actually that’s when my drinking spiked. And I became suicidal. I lived on Gitanga Road and I used to drink at O-Zone bar at Valley Arcade and I would leave the bar very drunk, close my eyes and drive very fast down the road, hoping I’d crash into something and die.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” he says.

“What were you hoping to hit?”

I don’t know. Who the fuck knows? I was drunk and mad with grief, I guess. When Duma died I had to be tough. When you’re a man you’ve got to be tough when others fall to pieces.  I remained strong [scratches the air in quotation]. I’d only cry in private, in public I was the one who had it together. I mean, I had to go identify his body and you don’t want to identify the body of your child…it was just fucked up. I also had to bury him and all that shit. My dad didn’t show up for his funeral, the bastard.” He clicks bitterly and reaches for his beer.

“Why didn’t he show up?”

“He said sijui he was just a small baby and that we should just bury him here in a cemetery and move on. God knows there are many things I blame him for, but that one? I will never forgive him for that.”

I watch him sip his beer. Beer drinkers fascinate me. That thing tastes like fermented hay. Plus doesn’t it bloat you out and you have to belch in your sleep the whole night? He’s having a Tusker malt. His second. I’m on hot water, for chrissake. I’m having a case of hyperacidity so I’m avoiding booze for a week or so. But that doesn’t stop me from looking up at the bar full of whiskies, a kaleidoscope of colours. I swear I see a 14-year old Oban winking at me. The underage ones are the most shameless.

“I didn’t die on Gitanga road, fortunately or unfortunately.” He sips his beer. “I tried it four or so times and I was like fuck it, this is stupid, I’m only gonna kill someone instead. So I took shelter in what I always do; chicks. I got this very smart  jang’o chick, a masters degree holder and all and a German citizen. Oh my God! We had a torrid online affair.

“Torrid,” I say. I haven’t heard that word in ages. Hey, Torrid.

“Yeah. When she came to Kenya for the first time we went to the coast. The second time she came she said ‘me I’ve moved in.’ She quit her job, sold all her shit, moved into my house and it lasted a month before I told her to get her shit out and leave. Karma. It’s one of those things that’s going to bite me in the ass one day,” he says.

“She was mad. I was grieving. I had just lost a kid and she was there all of a sudden. I felt like I had a wife in the house without really knowing how this happened. The plan had been for her to come and move into her own house, not mine. But now she’s in my house. She’s buying curtains and changing my sheets and I come home one day for lunch and there is a new couch, I was like ‘Fuck!’” He grimaces.

“She moved out of my house. Took all her shit and took the log book to my Mercedes and disappeared with it,” he chuckles. I chuckle too, but for a different reason. She didn’t just take the logbook of his car, she took the log book of his Mercedes. There must be a difference, people. “She wrote to me years later telling me how deeply I had hurt her and how I didn’t understand what I had done to her, how I fucked her up and her self-confidence and everything and I was like, ‘Fuck! This shit really hurts people, eh?’”

Hurt. Now there is a word that has a wound of its own.

That word is the reason we are seated at this bar at The Node [former Pizza Garden] in Westlands, now owned by Jacaranda Hotel. It’s got a high roof, a pizzeria on the side and a garden outside. It’s Monday, the next day is Labour Day and I’m on hot water like an arthritic elderly man.

Hurt.

We are opening wounds. His wounds, to be precise. A lady I know referred me to him last year and I had reached out and he had said he will only talk to me after his 40th birthday this year. Now he is 40-years and a few days in.

He’s quite the tall guy as far as height goes. He’s got a slim face and a voice with a nasal crackle. He speaks beautiful English, nice dictition. He grew up in Muthaiga, upper-middle class family, always wanted to be a writer and painter but (happily) ended up as an art director  in an advertising agency, something he has done successfully because he’s now almost at the top of the agency’s creative food chain. He’s made some money and lived life on the edge. Booze. Cars. Women. Lots and lots of women. My friend had mentioned that he was a sex addict and I had thought, bullshit, we are all sex addicts then. I have always been very sceptical of people who say they are sex addicts, like it’s an excuse to shag around. Oh, please forgive me, I’m sick – I’m suffering from a chronic inability not to stick my bong into the next girl.

The first time I ever heard about sex addiction was in 2012 when Eric Benet was going for sex therapy when he was married to Halle Berry (who I have always wondered what the fuss is all about). Sex addiction was a strange concept for me. In short, I was as ignorant of it in 2012 as I was in 2017.

“I’m on my 29th car,” he says. “I don’t remember the names of all the women I have dated, I only remember them by what car I was driving when I was with them. At 28-years my libido was off the charts. Having a girlfriend would never be enough, I’d have to supplement it with flings and prostitutes. I’d drive to town to pick up the streetwalkers on Koinange Streets, or City Hall area, or Argwings Kodhek or Wood Avenue. Mostly I’d carry two women, bring them back to my place, have sex with both them, drop them back to town, pick up two more, bring them back to my place and have sex with both of them, drop them back to town and come back and masturbate. Even when the massage parlours, which are far safer, came, I’d still drive to town to pick up these girls because, I don’t know, it was thrilling.”

“The allure of the dark side,” I say.

“Yes, and it didn’t matter. I would go to these dark parts of town where you can be stabbed. It was a rollercoaster; you bang chicks in your car, places where you can be nabbed by cops, you bang chicks who you shouldn’t bang, chicks who you can catch diseases from if anything goes wrong. Or chicks you could lose your job over. You bang people’s wives, which I’ve done quite a bit of! And you don’t feel good about yourself at all when you do all this shit. You don’t feel satisfied, it’s like a temporary reprieve, it’s like, there’s always that burning urge that you have to quench with the sex but it’s not quenchable. And it fucks up all your relationships. You don’t feel like you’ve achieved anything, you feel empty, and drained and dirty, and sad. But you just have to do it. You just have to. It’s compulsive.”

He pauses and checks his phone. The light from the phone illuminates his face – he has a strong lean nose. He puts his phone away. “A whole weekend would just go like that – alcohol and women and sex – then on Sunday I’d be broke and disgusted and suicidal and I’d hate myself.”

His big brother introduced him to prostitutes, he says. And his big brother was introduced by their uncle, so it was a cycle. I want to say like a heirloom, but that would be too soon.

The deejay has now set up at the corner. He’s called DJ Jay C, which is what Jesus would call himself if he found himself on the decks in this day and age. Before the evening ends I will embarrass myself by asking DJ Jay C if he has a CD of his mix I can buy (my car only plays CDs) and I will be told that nobody has bought CDs since the turn of the century and that people get music off SoundCloud now. Sometimes it’s better to just shut up.

“I got married because I wanted her to save me,” he says. He has called for another beer. During this period he was drinking a lot and shagging anyone with an ovary and he felt like he was spiraling out of control. So he identified a girl he had known for years to marry and stop this mad spin. She fit the bill because she was very pretty, he knew her from before, had the right family background (“so that my parents don’t bitch”) and very light-skinned because he says his girls have to be light-skinned. He was surprised when she agreed to marry him. They had a big garden wedding. 

They got a baby. He was there when both his children were born. He’s the one who held them and watched them get weighed. He’s the one who named them, he says. He never names his children any English names because, “I’m not English.” His second child had such long legs, he remembers, and was such a crier. It was a great feeling of “euphoria, gratitude and fear” having lost his son those years back.

Six months after the wedding his “natural restlessness” kicked in. “All of a sudden I was out in the pub with the guys more than at home.” Inevitably they divorced almost four years later. He moved into a small servants quarter in Kileleshwa for 20K a month. “I moved from a big house, a  duplex, to this place where the shower leaked on your back as you sat on the loo taking a crapper.” [I laugh at that description. It’s the hot water.]

“How would you describe the marriage?” I ask him.

“It had its good bits but a lot of it was not happy. Mostly because of me. I was not ready for it, I was in the wrong space. Plus, I got into it for the wrong reasons, to be saved from myself and I realised that nobody else can save me from myself but me.”

He got back into his lifestyle; drinking, wanking off, picking up prostitutes, watching pornography. He kept hurting himself and hurting others. He kept at it for a while. He describes it as an addiction, something that just draws you from reason. You just have to do it. So he did it until he sought help.

“Shrinks in Kenya are fucked up, none of them know anything,” he says. “I went to see a shrink and I told him ‘I think I have a problem. I think I am sex addict’, and he told me, ‘You should be proud of yourself, you know how many guys can’t get it up?’ I then tried to get help from the church but the church couldn’t help me because I refused to accept the Lord as my personal Savior. You can only get help from the church if you accept Jesus Christ.”

When he says that I get a eureka moment, that sarcasm actually has a smell and it’s petrichor – the smell of rain on dry soil. Everything has a smell. Jealousy smells of wet feathers. Love, naturally, smells of Toni’s neck. Passion smells of microwaved pawpaw. Rage smells of old tyres left in the sun. Infatuation smells of burning brake pads. Euphoria smells of freshly cut grass. Betrayal smells of Lucifer’s left armpit. I could go on but I know you don’t want me to.

He started reading up on sexual addiction online and found out that it had something to do with childhood trauma. As a child he was molested sexually by their female househelp. He saw a trajectory. “I also realised that things have just been piling up in my life. I was molested as a child. At 18-years the love of my life broke up with me and I nearly had a nervous breakdown, my self esteem plunged and I started sleeping with prostitutes and drinking. Then my son died. I got married and got divorced. I got retrenched from my job in between somewhere, then got another job and then that company went under. Then I landed this great job and my boss trusts me and everything is going well, but then one day, a Tuesday I think, last year or was it the year before, I slipped into a major depressive episode. All this shit just caught up with me and I just couldn’t get out of bed.” he says. The chickens had come home to roost.

I had a friend who instead of saying the, “chickens coming home to roost” would say, “Cows coming home to roost.” He would say it so often that I didn’t have the nerve to tell him he was wrong. It’s like those people you have known for ages and yet you don’t know their names and can’t ask now. So you never ask. My friend – haven’t heard from him in ages – is probably out there, probably a father now, telling his children “Study hard or your cows will come home to roost” and his children will say it and it will just be a family using the wrong idiom for generations.

I hold my finger up and I get my phone from his pocket to check if it’s recording. You have to check these things, one day I did an interview for 30 minutes only to discover that the blasted thing had stopped recording. Can you imagine the cock and bull I had to feed the subject when I called them a few days later for a “quick sit down” again?

He continues. “I just called my boss told him I’m not coming in, I’m never coming in, I quit. I don’t want my dues, I don’t want anything. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I’ll be bringing your laptop in at some point. Then I proceeded to buy as many crates of Guinness as I could and I just sat in my house and drank and drank in my underwear, curtains shut, hoping I would drink myself to death.”

“I was dating this chick who had some experience with mental illness and I fucked up. I mean the night when I had my nervous breakdown, I went out and I did my thing, I banged like four chicks that night. I hit rock bottom. I was just like I’ve dated the loveliest chick, I’ve got the greatest job in the world, I’m actually doing what I love, I’m making money at it, my life is actually getting better and I just want to continue to fuck it up. I left whatsapp groups, I didn’t shower for days, just drunk. She tried to help me, told me, ‘Okay, fine. Come drink in my house and kill yourself here.’ But I said no.”

Finally what saved him was his daughter. One day, drunk, miserable and teary, he wondered what her life would be like if he died. “I thought, who will look after my star when I die? Will she not suffer? What will she learn about her dead father? Will it affect her?” So he took his girlfriend’s offer and went to her place and she said, ‘We are going to get you help.’ They got a shrink for him and he accepted to take the pills this time.

“I had always refused to take anti-depressants, but this time I was like, it’s either this or I’m gonna die. And you know they rob you of your libido at first, those meds, and my libido was the only thing I’ve had all my life so it was like losing an old friend. And they make you dizzy for a little bit, and then you become a bit more reasonable I suppose.”

He started putting his life together. “My boss was very supportive. He told me, ‘I’m not accepting your resignation. Clearly you’re unwell. I don’t accept resignations when people are unwell. Take as much time as you want off, fully paid, go see your shrink, go see whoever you need to see, come back when you’re well and don’t call me till you’re well. If you still want to resign then, I’ll accept your resignation.’”

“So I took a month or more off, putting myself back together,” he says. “My shrink dug up my childhood from me and my dysfunctional family. She told me I had been depressed for a very long time and didn’t realize it. That was the problem. All these years, all these women and all this shit. I didn’t know I was depressed and that’s why I was angry all the time, why I was horny all the time, why I was angry about being horny. I was seriously depressed.” I watch the barman shake a cocktail over his shoulder, you know how mixologists can be showy at times, especially when they have an audience.

“I remember the shrink wrote – and it’s so weird when you see it on paper -‘subject is a high functioning depressive, comes from a dysfunctional family. Assess for ADHD.’”

His father is a polygamist. He was violent, quick with his fist, he says. A soldier. They have a love-hate relationship. “He was very upset with me for my divorce. I was like ‘Really dude? How many women have you left and you’re telling me about…’” He trails off. “So apparently we have issues in the family, alcoholism and all that stuff and some of my siblings have been to rehab and to therapy because of issues that led to the alcoholism.”

His friends refused to believe that he’s depressed. Not he. Not he who gets all the hot chicks. Not he who has money to spend, drives a great car, lives in a nice house and enjoys his job and is always happy and fun and the life of a party. His shrink says she sees many like him – captains of industry, successful professionals – people who look like they are doing great on the outside but who are actually suffering inside. “I’m not blowing my own trumpet,” he says, “but I’m not a guy who people would regard as a failure. I’ve achieved quite a bit in life and I’m a strong personality. And when I tell them that I suffer from mental illness, they can’t take it but some call me on the side and ask me how they can seek help, who they can talk to. Because people are suffering in silence and they don’t know how to seek help. They want to be men about it. But come on, if mental illness can happen to a guy like me it can happen to anybody. And it’s not something to be ashamed about, it’s something that you can seek help for. There is a stigma around it – it’s much easier to tell people you have cancer than to tell them you have a mental illness, which is what depression is. And it’s cool, man.”

“And what have you learnt about sex by sleeping with all these women?” I ask him.

He tells me his big brother told him that when you are in bed with a woman you should make her feel like she is the only woman you want to sleep with. That she is the last woman you will ever need to sleep with, and even beyond the walls and the doors of that room, no other woman exists who interests you. “I always practised that whether I’m with a prostitute or a woman I’m seeing. It’s amazing how women react to that. They all – even the  prostitutes – feel dignified and special.”

I told a lady friend that I interviewed a sex addict and she was so intrigued by him she asked me if I took a picture of him (sigh) and wanted to know what he looks like. She thought sex addicts have a particular look. It’s like asking what someone with asthma looks like. Well, sex addicts have smaller mouths than our mouths, I wanted to say, and their left eye is slightly closer to their ear. What does someone with painful periods look like? I asked her.

“This is about self loathing,” he says. “Sex addiction robs you of everything, mostly the people you care about and who care about you. You hurt the ones you love the most. I’ve been so lucky, I get the best chicks, honestly, I get the best chicks. I don’t hide my past from them, I don’t sleep with them under false pretenses, I’m brutally honest with them. I tell them this is who I am, this is what I have gone through and this is what I’m going through. I get chicks who are understanding, who are loving, wife material, you know. I very rarely run into a bitch. And they open up, and they’re so great, and I’m really great for the first few months, or weeks, before my demons check in. And it robs you of all of that. It robs you of intimacy, proper intimacy. And it kills your soul a little bit, leaving you empty and sad and you hate yourself for it.”

He’s been on medication, he mentioned one called Cipralex. But when he felt better he got off them just before his 40th birthday, that was three days before our meeting. He says he feels better now. He has stopped masturbating, watching porn and he hasn’t been with a prostitute in ages.

He spent his 40th birthday alone on his verandah. He took the day off. He wanted a very quiet day to reflect. He slept a bit, watched some telly, flirted with some girls on the phone, played games on his phone and did some journaling. That’s pretty much it.

“The next decade is to make money,” he says. “Banging girls and drinking is a very expensive affair, and I have wasted a lot of time and money doing that. The next 10 to 20 years is to make money for myself and for my daughter. I don’t want to be like those retired guys who are running around scratching about for little chumes. The women have to stop. I still get laid, though, but never with prostitutes.”

“How many times do you get laid now?” I asked, unable to help myself. Come on, you would have asked that question too because you always suspect everybody is having more sex than you are.  

“Twice or thrice a week, maybe? With different chicks.”

I’m surprised at that. Three different girls a week?! I ask him how and where he meets three different chicks in a week to sleep with while there are chaps who can’t even get on one date in a month! He says dating apps, introductions through friends, in bars, the usual. “Actually I realized I’m very good with chicks. Took me a long time to realize that. I never used to think I’m good with girls, maybe that’s why I went for prostitutes in the beginning. I never thought that I had the gift of the gab but clearly I do. I think it runs in the family,” he says.

“My challenge is that I get tired of one girl after a few months. I realized I can do this till I am 60. My libido is not going away, that’s now a given so, if I want to change it I just have to make a conscious decision to change and focus on the important things. And it’s coming along slowly. I mean I quit smoking years back so I can do this. I don’t want to be one of those ridiculous 60-year old guys you see still running around after 20-year olds. Fornication takes a lot of your energy and I’ve enjoyed the stage, I’ve gotten away with it, not unscathed but I’m still here so it’s probably time to do something else now. Find a different form of enjoyment, find that intimacy, my career, go back to painting which was always my first love anyway.”

He wants to spend more time with his daughter, who is the pivot of his life. Everything now swings from there. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with his ex-wife as well; they are in a good space now which means he can see his daughter often. He wants to take better care of his health. We talk about creativity and how, curiously, a lot of it is informed by socialisation and past experiences.

“I have some interest in the duality of life. I don’t think the creative side of me would exist without what I have gone through in my life. In fact, one of the reasons I was so afraid of taking the pills for depression was that I was afraid it would kill the creative side of me,” he says. “But they don’t really. They just give you a chance to take a breather and self-assess, and start trying to learn how to love yourself, and forgive yourself, and understand how you hurt, and the wounds you carry, and uh, how you should feel compassion for yourself the way you feel compassion for someone else.”

“I made choices in my life that uh, perhaps really, were not good choices. [Short pause]. My life is not over, I’m still gonna keep making choices, and hopefully the quality should get better as I go along. But I can’t change the past, it is what it is. I know it actually doesn’t make me a lesser person. I used to think it does, but it doesn’t. And if people don’t like my past, they can kiss my ass, really.”

I ask him what space he is in now at 40. He slowly rubs his scalp with his hands. He is on his fourth beer. “It’s been a hard 40 years, but it’s been good, I can’t complain. I’ll never bitch and say my life has been horrible. It has had its dark side, but it has had its brilliant sides too. And I’ve got my daughter who I love more than anything and she’s smart, and hanging out with her is joyous. I miss her brother, I wish her brother was still alive, so I could have them both together, but such is life.” Short pause, sip of beer.

“I’ve also learnt that accepting that you need help is not a weakness. I’ve learnt that you can change pretty much anything if you really want to change it. I’ve learnt to cut myself some slack. I’ve been my biggest critic, I’ve been harder on myself than anybody is, and it has been destructive. You need to ease up, give yourself room. I have learnt to understand that a lot of guys out there look perfect but are not. Everybody thinks I have the perfect life but they do not know what’s going on under the surface: “Oh, you got a hot chick, you got the nice house, you got the nice cars.” You never really know what’s brewing in people’s lives. So, live your life, not through the eyes of others.”

I start to say something, but he remembers something else. “Also, people write everything off as alcoholism. We see people who are always drinking too much and imagine that they are just alcoholics. They are more than that, most of the time, they are something else underneath. They are always battling something else- maybe they are gay and are fighting it, maybe they are bipolar, maybe they are depressed. Usually if you’re sharp enough, you’ll find alcoholism is a symptom, it’s not,to a large extent, a disease on its own. There’s something else that someone who drinks a lot is masking.”

He has to go for another engagement. I walk him out into the cold night, or in the words of Kenyans, I give him a “push.” He’s wearing white brogues. We stand by Woodvale Close, underneath the dark blue sky, and shoot the breeze for a bit before he heads out to his car. Inside, at the bar, I look up at the relentless 14-year old Oban and tell the barman, “Gimme a double, neat.” Screw hyperacidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid.

273 Responses
  • Eskay
    08.05.2018

    Now. Let me read.

    • Tash
      08.05.2018

      Riveting and yet so touching. What a man, what a story.

      5
      • ED
        17.05.2018

        People don’t talk about depression enough and yet nowadays when they do, it’s like “oh,that’s not good and these people need us.”

        2
    • Kelsey
      09.05.2018

      Ugh Biko- I did not enjoy this interview at all. All I read was ego… ego… big head… old guy that has refused to grow up. Only teenagers and stupid youngin’s go about gloating over their posh cars, sex conquests blah blah. It’s like watching a guy in sagged pants. It’s not cool anymore. You know what’s cool? Men that are put together, men with successful careers, happy, healthy families, church men.. that kind of thing. Not a 40 yr old that wants to chase after his friends’ daughters when he’s 60. Can’t put respect on that. His narrative did little to impress me. And if this was my dad man…. or even brother… idk.

      To conclude… what did I learn from his story? Umm… let’s see…

      Whatever I could have learnt was obscured by the type of person he showcased. In the earlier stages of reading this I thought to myself “oh I should totally share it with bae and a few friends.” And then I realized as I kept reading… this man is full of bullshit. He has little going for himself and little to learn from. I feel sorry for him.

      P/S you have to publish this comment otherwise I will question your journalistic integrity.

      126
      • Kelsey
        09.05.2018

        Oh great you don’t censor comments. I want men to not think this guy is winning. I want him to become better, if anything, for the sake of that daughter he so treasures.

        32
        • First Comment
          09.05.2018

          I have never commented on this blog despite reading it for years, but I just had to reply to your comment. Depression is a dark monster and the dismissive attitude portrayed by your comment is the reason most people never face the monster or talk about it till it’s too late; till you see stories on TV of people who’ve slaughtered their children, murdered their wives and committed suicide. You might have a very successful career, have some good money and appear as a very stable person in society, but everyday you wake up and hate yourself and hate your life without realising you are depressed. Most high functioning depressives start sabotaging their relationships and careers, become alcoholics or have an endless string of women as they battle their issues. Depression can also be closely tied to ADHD and Anxiety disorders, which have a genetic component and unless properly treated you will always think that the person is just immature and irresponsible. Never dismiss depression because the day your demons come calling, or as Biko said, they day your cows come home to roost, you might have no-one to turn to.

          107
        • NYEF
          10.05.2018

          If u read the article again,you will realise, that has already been addressed

          2
        • Adams B
          15.05.2018

          This is being insensitive.This man is fucking 40years old while I’m just a mere 22 yo but ii do relate.
          I come from a well off family
          Basically got much of the things a young in need to survive.
          But ii battle with uncertainty,women booze and depression.
          No I’m not a carefree youngster Infact ii am a model kid to my parents and siblings.

          Was sexually molested as a kid by a family friend
          Dad is polygamous and looking for a chat with him will only lead to him sending me cash.Like really?
          I don’t need money ii need to talk to him as father son but No.
          I kind of just cannot go to Mum.My refuge?
          By 13 ii was sexually active.
          Shit has turned for worse over the years Porn etc
          And now booze.

          I hide in so many things including Niko’s pieces cause ii see hope for the hopeless in writing and know I’m not alone.
          Cut the guy some slack shit is really depressing because this is not the man we/I want to be.But we are trapped.
          Society does not really give us a choice.We are doomed to silence or shame.Silence is better.

          To Biko,this piece has really got me
          Well fuck shame it’s better seeking help than waiting to get to 40 something losing out on love and life cause of my past.Thank you man.

          49
          • VickyRika
            19.05.2018

            @Adams… Please note that silence will not help. There are people out there ….. counsellors and other mental health professionals who are willing to help. But only if you reach out. Talk therapy with a counsellor that takes you back into your past can really bring so much of the issues in your life into focus and bring you healing or give you a place to start. Best.

            3
          • Irene
            02.07.2018

            Adam B good for you…the earlier the better and remember you have the power to shape the course of your life. I pray that you find the courage to endure it all and find your peace.

      • Njuguna
        09.05.2018

        Dear Kelsey,
        Please stop being a judgmental arse. I also went through a period of grave depression and the saddest part of it all was that when I shared with a close relative what I was going through they told me that I should grow up and stop blaming my bad qualities on other people. They dis-missed my depression as a rouse to seek attention. I had to seek help away from my family and right now I’m working through my Issues and gaining more and more control in life

        Depression turns us into versions of ourselves that can evil take the devil by surprise. Egotism and pride are all manifestations of darkness within. It might look like a choice or arrogance to a simplistic mind but trust me most people just cant help it. Depression feels like a constant loosing war and most people suffering through depression don’t even know they’re depressed .

        Nice read Biko, you should do more articles on depression cause that sh~ts’ real out here.

        107
        • Kelsey
          10.05.2018

          Dude- you missed my WHOLE POINT. I am not dismissive of his depression/ state of mind that he plunged into because of his uncle/bro’s influence and other surrounding factors. I tried to empathize. What I have disregard for is how unapologetic he is to those he hurt- his ex wife and train of exes. How he still wants to live a reckless life, shagging left right centre every week. How he doesn’t think anything is wrong with the lifestyle he is ascribing to. Things like that- if your teenage son read them, for example- he would not gain inspiration. He would be a lost case. See what I’m getting at?

          20
          • Njuguna
            10.05.2018

            #’You’re clearly a stranger to addiction, and to mental health issues. Read up on it, do your research’

            Kelsey, I hope you realized this is not a story about the exes or the daughters or the prostitutes this is a story about Baba Duma. If you want us to comment on his women then by God tell us their side of the story.

            First of all just try and understand that all through his depression this is the life(alcohol and shagging left right and center) he has known and lived and he’s forty for Christ’s sake.
            When you’re trying to get rid of an addiction you wean yourself out of it slowly and the first step is acceptance and he’s clearly accepted his faults.
            Try and understand that brain chemistry is not something you re-wire in a day.

            For my son I’d love them to read and understand that life is tough. All this cushioning our parents did, not telling us anything about mental health, the emotional abuse are the reasons why society is grappling with depression. Some people have been depressed ever since they were teenagers and they live years without knowing anything is wrong with them and they start developing addictions and lifestyle diseases, some even commit suicide all because their parent had the same train of thought as you or were too macho to talk to their kids about mental health.

            PS: you still sound very judgmental

            38
          • Lee
            10.05.2018

            Never commented on here before but I was expecting a comment like this one! You really come across very judgmental. Please get off your high horse and re-read this story with an open mind. In as much as you are entitled to your opinion this is someone’s reality and you don’t have to agree with him or like his demeanor to have some sort of understanding of mental illness…depression etc. IJS

            17
          • Nana
            14.05.2018

            Hey Kesley,

            We all have our pasts and you know what we don’t have to be judged based on what we did back then and neither can we erase it or feel sorry about it. All we got to do is forgive ourselves and find peace deep within us which apparently is the hardest part. Nobody has a right to pin you down because back then you did whatever it is you thought was right. Live and let live

            5
          • Kelsey
            16.05.2018

            Yep Nana, agreed. However this discourse isn’t about the guy’s past. That can be addressed and forgiven, obviously. It’s really about his current persona- where he now stands, how he views things now, what he wants for his future. That’s where my concerns are rooted.

            5
        • kelsey
          10.05.2018

          You do make a valid point- I don’t have to agree with him. So why call me out for disagreeing with him. LOL. I’m just presenting my opinion. You can sail with yours Lee.

          Whatever happened to freedom of thought (and speech).

          6
          • Kelsey
            11.05.2018

            @Njuguna- your thought process is pretty linear… and sorry to say, selfish. Question is, when will victims learn to take responsibility for their actions? When will they realize that their actions don’t impact just them but EVERYONE around them. You could label me and call me judgmental but that won’t change the fact that you are backing up the wrong tree. I don’t see any remorse from the braggadocio Biko interviewed. I just see self-elevation and selfishness.

            There’s healing in taking ownership, bruh. And in showing remorse

            12
      • Bless-Up
        09.05.2018

        You’re clearly a stranger to addiction, and to mental health issues. Read up on it, do your research.
        A person is allowed to not have his life figured out at 40. As long as you’re alive, you’re allowed to mess up and to try to not mess up, that is the cycle of life. And if he wants to be banging chicks at 60, as long as they’re all over the legal age, then that’s his choice too. He might get his life straightened out in the next 10 years, he might not. He’s trying to live his best life, trying to atone for his past mistakes, trying to be a better person. It’s not kind to judge, especially as you’re not in his shoes, or in his head space.

        33
        • Gakuru
          09.05.2018

          Well Put.
          Life is A balancing act,And Not All Are Able to Balance it….So Much Insight for Me too,Especially Alcoholism being a disguise for Something else

          5
        • Kelsey
          10.05.2018

          I like how you say “do your research. “Well for one, you don’t know me. And two, you missed my point. But while we’re at it, maybe you teach me a thing or two.

          1
          • MEN-tally Ill
            10.05.2018

            Never mind the noise Kelsey. It is interesting to note that it is mostly men jumping to his defence and justifying his bad behaviour. Reminds me of Junot Diaz and his ‘explanation’ here > https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2018/04/16/the-silence-the-legacy-of-childhood-trauma

            It seems that when men go through difficult things, trauma and all of that (being fondled or whatever by a housegirl) the universe must coddle them and make it ok for them to behave in this uncaring way towards others (women) yet women who have probably suffered worse trauma are to suck it up (despite mental health and all that) and get their lives together. If this exact story was about a woman, I feel like the comments would be different.

            If he must tell himself this to feel better about himself for how he has treated the women he has come into contact with, so be it. It’s slightly better than Junot who has actually crafted an entire literary career off the emotional abuse of women he has dated.

            And yes, I have been treated for depression. 😛

            19
        • kelsey
          10.05.2018

          @Njuguna- your thought process is pretty linear… and sorry to say, selfish. Question is, when will victims learn to take responsibility for their actions? When will they realize that their actions don’t impact just them but EVERYONE around them. You could label me and call me judgmental but that won’t change the fact that you are backing up the wrong tree. I don’t see any remorse from the braggadocio Biko interviewed. I just see self-elevation and selfishness.

          There’s healing in taking ownership, bruh. And in showing remorse.

          1
          • Njuguna
            11.05.2018

            @Kelsey | @MEN-tally Ill-
            You have never been depressed( like really depressed for months or so), have you? I’d never wish depression on anyone so the only way you’ll learn is through research and watching some interviews.
            I’m not defending/ justifying his alcoholism and total disregard of the people (not just women,(Hehe I’ve seen a battle of the sexes brewing somewhere)) in his life, I just have a deeper understanding of depressed people and I have an idea of the level of control one usually has when going through this kind of mental illness. Honestly I don’t know what I’d do if I had to watch my son die for a whole 20 minutes, I’d probably run through the world with little or no care.

            I’m not dismissing his victims, I’m just saying that this Baba Duma’s Interview , we’ve not heard his victims’ side of the story.

            7
          • Kelsey
            11.05.2018

            @mentally I appreciate your input and couldn’t agree more- the vibe in this comments section would have been very different if the interviewee was a woman. A woman that’s severely depressed and addicted to sex and an alcoholic… and on top of that… that still wants to be a cougar at 60. I can’t begin to imagine.

            I appreciate healthy discourse but really don’t want to engage you anymore @njuguna. Especially when you start saying things like “oh I completely get this man because I have reached level X of depression and you haven’t.” Just a level of entitlement that I can’t deal with. Again, you’ve really blown your ‘depression- horn’ comment after comment after comment… and I
            , I really haven’t gone personal. I’ve (genuinely tried to) put myself out of the narrative with an attempt to look at this story objectively- to see baba Duma’s side and to empathize with his victims. And the reason I bring them up (again) is because of the way this man wrapped up the interview. With little intention to aspire to a healthy, unselfish lifestyle. I’m not sure his daughter would read this and beam with pride over the kind of man her dad wants to be at 60. Let’s not ignore the victims in his story purely becausewe only heard one side. That’s not only narrow-minded thinking but also just a poor way of ingesting (and addressing) these types of cases.

            (This is in response to your latest comment btw).

            6
        • kelsey
          10.05.2018

          @Njuguna- your thought process is pretty linear… and sorry to say, selfish. Question is, when will victims learn to take responsibility for their actions? When will they realize that their actions don’t impact just them but EVERYONE around them. You could label me and call me judgmental but that won’t change the fact that you are backing up the wrong tree. I don’t see any remorse from the braggadocio Biko interviewed. I just see self-elevation and selfishness.

          There’s healing in taking ownership, bruh. And in showing remorse.

          • Njuguna
            14.05.2018

            its sad that you think depression is a horn to be blown.

            -and what do you mean by thoughts being pretty linear?

          • kelsey
            15.05.2018

            Your comeback is weak. I don’t need to outline everything for you. Until next time… adios.

      • Tracy
        09.05.2018

        But the guy was/is struggling with depression. You won’t know what you would do unless you were wearing the exact same shoes. Kwanza those church guys are the ones rotten to the core, just covering themselves with “Bwana Asifiwe mpendwa” vibe.

        30
      • Danny
        09.05.2018

        Kelsy, the guy is sick. he is not proud of what he has been doing. I think Biko was trying to highlight depression here.

        13
      • Lizzay
        09.05.2018

        I agree with you Kelsey, I read this interview and I was just frothing inside. His libido was all over.

        I’m sad that I live in a generation where men misuse and mistreat their women left right and centre but they want the best for only their daughters. The irony!

        It’s also, unfortunate or fortunate that we live in a society where children are sometimes judged under the shadow of their parents lives or character. like; ‘oh .. That’s president Uhuru’s son’ or ‘look it’s Biko’s son , that awesome writer!’

        I pity what he’s doing to his daughter the one he claims to love. and I feel sorry for his daughter because one day when she mentions her father’s name she might be judged under the shadow of his character.

        To end my rant. When it comes to sex addiction there are two schools of thought. The one painted by the guy you interviewed and another that says sex addiction is an excuse by some people escape responsibility.

        25
        • Lee
          10.05.2018

          and another one who totally missed the point of this story!! SMDH

          3
        • Melissa Thuku
          10.05.2018

          Lizzay you have said it in the best way possible. These daughters are “special” when their fathers treat women like trash. Karma is not a myth.

          12
        • Shirley N
          12.05.2018

          biko please dont delete this .

          lizzay i think you articulate what kelsey is trying saying-she doesnt buy the kool-aid of this man’s story -maybe she has dated such kinds of men ,charismatic men are the best for a thrill and the worst to chill with .

          i know as i was reading his story i could feel that part of me wanting to entertain and feel sorry for depressed fuck-boi – i almost debated on asking biko for his number coz yup that part for liking fuck-bois is alive and well and all i can do is run-the thrill they give is never worth it.

          the only thing that is commendable is he asked for help and part of him is fighting to have coping skills.
          he probably will manage to handle his alcohol,get a better rlshp with daughter etc etc.

          as for his whoreness that wont change, he will amend it -like him saying he doesn’t go to prostitutes means he is smart enough to realize that his heart and spirit are being affected.him saying he doesnt want to be 60 hitting 20 yrs olds means he’s thinking what kind of women can he fuck without it costing him a dark spell and without any form responsibility and accountability .

          i hope the karma that comes to him will not fall on his daughter.

          what he needs is a friends with benefit with the same libido as he does.3 chicks a week and they are not prostitutes ?still shows he’s empty as fuck. this man is not remorseful for damaging nice chicks.
          his gift of gab-which is being honest about his life history- works brilliantly with nice decent women but if he met a raging bitch with the same pathology as his ,he wouldn’t cope

          kelsey knows this types of niggas that’s what she is calling him out for its not his depression ,its that his sex addiction is coupled with him being an arsehole to women coz his 18 yr old self was heart broken ,22 years on and he is still revenging.

          he’s no different from the men who refuse to see other women as human beings but can only humanise his daughter-the patriachy and misogny -one of the reasons that broke him

          charismatic men are pschyopaths they know when to go for the kill and when not to.he won’t be cured.but he will be smart enough to make decisions that won’t break his spirit further.coz his mind is something else

          biko please don’t delete

          12
        • Angela Oyombe
          14.05.2018

          @lizzay, he would take prostitutes, pay them and treat them like they are the only women he wanted to have sex with. What responsibility was he escaping in this specific scenarios while battling sex addiction???? SMH!

          1
      • Priscilla
        09.05.2018

        I think you missed Biko’s point. This was to highlight depression and addiction. This man’s story goes to show that the people we think have it all may be battling demons that we know not about.
        It’s sad that you have judged the man rather than catch the depth of the story.

        26
      • Eddie
        09.05.2018

        Well, he is living his life, definitely not through your eyes.

        7
      • Mary Nyarangi
        09.05.2018

        WOW KELSEY! your thought process is just AMAZING! I don’t think Biko shared with us this story for us to ‘enjoy it’. how do you ‘enjoy’ someone’s troubles? these are real stories about real people, not some made up fictitious set book you read in high school. depression manifests in different ways- some people have big egos, brag about cars, women etc. some have beyond zero self-esteem and live in caves isolated from humanity (maybe this is the one you would prefer?). i dunno you, i dunno how perfect your life is behind your glossy keyboard but guess what, depressive disorders are real. research, by World Health Organization, indicates that we have more than 300 million people globally suffering from depression. you can’t make this stuff up. obviously you can’t be among them. i majored in psychology in my undergrad and i’m pretty sure the American Psychological Association did not come up with depression as a mental disorder as part of our coursework for shits and giggles. i have so much to say but it’s lunchtime, am hungry AF so i’ll just let you in on something- maybe grab a book and read about depression next time before commenting on real people issues. or just google. this article is a good place to begin.

        https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/depression-ill-health-who-disability-leading-cause-worldwide-world-health-organisation-a7659696.html

        Hey Biko! this is my comments debut. I hope when refresh my comments section after lunch i’ll see it somewhere?

        23
        • Kelsey
          10.05.2018

          You’re waaay too literal. Enjoying a story is not equivalent to getting hype over it. You could say you enjoyed a speaker sesh, whether it was fun and lit or sombre and thought-provoking. C’mon now.

          4
      • Imesh
        09.05.2018

        Did you really read to understand or you read to reply. If you go through this post again,you will notice that Biko talks of everything having a smell. And your comment reeks of Lucifer’s left armpit. Get a life. FAST.

        18
        • Eric
          10.05.2018

          Haha! left armpit

      • Lucy
        09.05.2018

        Kelsey Madam, people are different and the struggles they are faced with on a daily differ. If you think this man’s struggles are egotistic, you have so much learning to do.

        13
      • Kare
        09.05.2018

        Kelsey you’re just projecting your values and life goals on the guy (successful career, healthy family,church man). It doesn’t make you in anyway superior to him.
        Is it so wrong that we don’t all want the same things in life?

        14
        • Kelsey
          10.05.2018

          Not at all. But don’t we all want to aspire to lead virtuous lives??

      • NYEF
        10.05.2018

        Unfortunately perfect people, the ones your taking about dont exist..dont be fooled by what you see, everybody is fighting a battle of some kind u know nothing about.

        13
      • Tee
        10.05.2018

        This is Fallacy..

      • Nomzamo
        10.05.2018

        SPOT ON ! ME TOO!

      • Rhoda Kemboi
        14.05.2018

        We all reap what we sow.

      • Angela Oyombe
        14.05.2018

        It is this bullshit and egoistic type of humans that present the best stories. Stories that take your adrenaline on a rollercoaster then finally to a stop which most times symbolizes hope or change. Imagine Biko writing about a man who went to school barefoot as a child in the village then grew up to be a wealthy entrepreneur/ successful career wise with a beautiful wife raising a God – fearing and church going family. What will be there to tell?? This story is as beautiful as this Man’s English or as hopeful as his future looks like

        4
      • Didi
        30.05.2018

        Easy to say when you have not seen someone battle depression. It makes you do stupid things and everyone lables you “entitled”.

        1
      • Didi
        30.05.2018

        Its easy to have such an opinion when you have not witnessed someone facing depression. It makes one do stupid things and everyone else labels them as entitled”.

      • Gatwiri
        26.06.2018

        I felt the same way

      • Kenyan Authentic
        26.06.2018

        “A double Oban to Kesley… of course on my bill”
        It will awaken your “enjoyment” glands. Maybe, just maybe, you skimmed the read and got it all wrong.

        1
    • Kiilu, CN
      09.05.2018

      If you’re still in touch with the guy, tell him to try Alcoholic Anonymous meetings.
      There’s atleast one meeting daily in Nairobi.
      The schedule can be found online

      5
    • derrick
      09.05.2018

      you remember the excerpt from charles chanchori?”Thing about sex with many people is, it starts to lose value after a while. You meet a woman in the morning, you have a conversation during which some chemistry is realized, you have lunch and supper together and you spend the night together. Next week, same thing happens with another woman and before you know it, you’re sleeping with three women in one week. And since you have realized that sex comes easy, you stop valuing it. It becomes something you expect from every woman on the very first night you meet her and if you meet a good one who doesn’t want to give it up on the first night, you walk away to another tree where the fruits are lower and more accessible. You even become too lazy to go on an actual date because your objective is to get laid and you know you can and will get laid by someone without even having to buy her a cup of coffee. Soon, you find yourself thinking you should get laid by any woman with whom you have some sort of chemistry. Like it’s your right. I mean, you’re clicking four or five women in a week. And they are not prostitutes either. No. They’re just women who you meet at work, or during a night out or at a training in some big hotel. It starts getting to your head. You Are special. Especially because the reviews you’re getting are along the lines of “You’re amazing!” If even three out of the five a week decide that you’re good in bed, it must be true. Then one morning you wake up feeling empty and sad and you can’t call any of them for a chat because you don’t even like them. You evaluate yourself and your life and come to the conclusion that you really are nothing. You belong to any one who will open their legs for you. You’re not special. You are cheap because you can be had by any one. We’re you currency, you wouldn’t be a thousand shillings note. You’d be a twenty shillings coin. And there’s nothing worse in a man’s life than to wake up realizing you don’t value sex anymore. When sex is just another thing you do, like brushing your teeth or taking a shit or shaking someone’s hand in greeting. You find that you have grown cold, emotionless, inconsiderate. You find that you have turned into something you thought you’d never be.”

      52
    • Risky
      11.05.2018

      Masking of A Dead man,,,,closing paragraphs showed a man on the right side of the road, you

      1
    • ED
      17.05.2018

      An average of 3.5 fucks per second in this post.

  • Sir Elvis Mayaka
    08.05.2018

    its Tuesday …already..i felt like i already read the other post just yesterday…

    2
    • Vicky
      08.05.2018

      This is the best I ever read. Real and raw…

      6
      • Lesobet
        09.05.2018

        Ati which one smells like satan’s left armpit? I smiled. I also liked the fact that alcoholism is only a symptom of many underlying struggles..

    • Esther
      08.05.2018

      Please punctuate your sentence!

      8
  • Kagwiria
    08.05.2018

    This was amazing. True we blame alcoholism for every bad behaviour.

    5
  • TheBlackKennedy
    08.05.2018

    Sex addict?

    For real?

    Get outta here….!!!

    8
    • Tracy
      09.05.2018

      Wow! Like you don’t believe there is such a thing?

      1
      • TheBlackKennedy
        12.05.2018

        On the contraty, I believe there is such a thing…

        Just that it is the kind of problem that i’d not be worried if i ever had

        2
        • Nana
          14.05.2018

          Hey Black Kennedy,

          Its easier said than done………

    • Teryl
      09.05.2018

      Hahaha Ajono yawa

      1
    • Ben
      14.05.2018

      You do know the White Kennedy was an addict too yeah? Marilyn Monroe and secret sex dungeons n shit , but still chap brought our brightest to the states to learn, point is sex addiction is a thing as is men who like dressing up like dolls

  • Bumble Bee
    08.05.2018

    But Biko, are you going to claim that the smell of Toni’s neck, that you sniffed in your dreams, is the standard metric for the smell of love!? No Sawa Tu.

    It’s really concerning that depression is the second largest cause of death among the youth in Kenya especially. I’m so lit up that he got help.
    Sometimes we all need people around us to see right through our bullshit and note that we do need help. Even better when they ride with us through it. Alcoholism, I agree, is majorly a cry for help!

    When the depression takes over, your reflection in mirror stares at you like a supervisor for your life. Supervisors have this look on their face—they must practice it in front of mirrors,
    they looked at you as if you were a hunk of human shit. Yet they had come in through the same place.
    And when your own reflection starts smh’ing your life, it’s time!

    59
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    08.05.2018

    But what is life though? Aye! Where is the winning? The greatest paradox of all; the wind blowing in your favor, the rain falling on your green but you still being in the corner. Pressed. Smile in public and cry in private. The good side is well known. People celebrate this good face. The unseen is getting stabbed. Wounds for days. Literally. A king in the light. Leading from heirloom or maybe just sheer luck and stars. Slaving in the dark. It is dark so they don’t see it. So its like getting used to the cheers. Misplaced ones. Champions of evil. Or indifferent folks. Drowning in fame and claps. Pain and wounds. Different and here for all. Those that care will understand. It matters that we go harder for those we love. Isn’t it pretty that in time we win? I am loving this 40s series.

    98
  • adonga
    08.05.2018

    This messaged life changing….

    “You cqcann change anything if you want to”

    5
    • Akinyi
      09.05.2018

      Am I the only one who kept wondering what he meant by the part he says something about fornication and not getting out unscathed?…cause I just kept wondering how rife HIV is and the descriptions sent chills down my throat…Also Biko we need candid conversations around HIV within this demographic

      24
  • Irene.
    08.05.2018

    “I’ve also learnt that accepting that you need help is not a weakness.’ My take home message from this great story. Mental health is as important as all other aspects of health.

    15
  • Sly
    08.05.2018

    Makes one think back on all those you labelled alcoholics

    6
  • Njokie
    08.05.2018

    Teary-eyed as I read through this .May God guide this man in the rest of his journey.I believe He has a purpose !

    6
  • judy
    08.05.2018

    Well, shit happens but I hope the daughter won’t be affected by the dad’s addictions. It would also be sad if the guy becomes an alcoholic after battling with depression. It just wouldn’t be right!!

    1
  • Allan
    08.05.2018

    We are not who we appear on the surface, many of us are dealing with demons that no one knows about. Hope he makes better choices as the years go by.

    13
    • Betty
      08.05.2018

      May being Mental Health Awareness Month we should remain Silent No more. I believe that Mental Health is Wealth(Akili ni Mali chunga Yako) and we should be more intentional with our friendships by being each other”s keeper.
      BREAK THE SILENCE BREAK THE STIGMA

      17
  • Kinuthia
    08.05.2018

    Thank Baba duma for sharing this one.

    4
  • Gee
    08.05.2018

    Sigh, hope he gets well

    4
  • Metumi
    08.05.2018

    Pain demands to be felt

    7
  • Nyambura Kagwe
    08.05.2018

    Deep wounds.Saying it and always with a sense of humour. Only you can save yourself.

    ‘”Ýou can change anything if you want to.'”

    1
  • Leroy
    08.05.2018

    “Gimme a double, neat.” Screw hyperacidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid. Haha.

    Heavy story! Well in, Biko.

    4
  • @clif_the_tall
    08.05.2018

    Woohhh! This piece is something else! What is life surely? Very interesting read. Glad he managed to get some help and doing much better. I could not help but pick the following… They made me laugh so hard. What is life without good humor?

    1. The deejay has now set up at the corner. He’s called DJ Jay C, which is what Jesus would call himself if he found himself on the decks in this day and age.
    2. “I went to see a shrink and I told him ‘I think I have a problem. I think I am sex addict’, and he told me, ‘You should be proud of yourself, you know how many guys can’t get it up?’
    3. “Cows coming home to roost.” He would say it so often that I didn’t have the nerve to tell him he was wrong. It’s like those people you have known for ages and yet you don’t know their names and can’t ask now.
    4. And you know they rob you of your libido at first, those meds, and my libido was the only thing I’ve had all my life so it was like losing an old friend.

    28
    • Dj Jay C
      10.05.2018

      Funny it is,found myself laughing out loud

      1
      • Mumu
        15.05.2018

        All along i thought duma here meant an arrowroot, guys from the waru’s side u get me? No? Nice read Biko

  • Tracy
    08.05.2018

    “…that sarcasm actually has a smell and it’s petrichor – the smell of rain on dry soil. Everything has a smell. Jealousy smells of wet feathers. Love, naturally, smells of Toni’s neck. Passion smells of microwaved pawpaw. Rage smells of old tyres left in the sun. Infatuation smells of burning brake pads. Euphoria smells of freshly cut grass. Betrayal smells of Lucifer’s left armpit…” Biko

    12
  • Mwass
    08.05.2018

    Nice read as always. This the said double trouble
    Until now sex addiction was in my wish list #huh#

  • Nkiru
    08.05.2018

    “Accepting that you need help is not a weakness”

    Vulnerability sounds like truth and sounds like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable but they are never weakness
    -Brenè Brown

    8
  • Dottie
    08.05.2018

    waaaaah,this is very deep Biko gosh!

  • Nima
    08.05.2018

    I should say, “interesting piece, very insightful…” and all those flattering things people who read say after your posts, but you already know that. So, I’ll make a request for a piece on a woman battling mental illness as well, because we are all around you. oh..and thank you

    9
  • Mariah
    08.05.2018

    This is so true…”some people drink to mask problems”..this piece is just..i don’t even know..but worth it..thanks for this Biko

    4
  • Kabugzz
    08.05.2018

    This Kenyan life! depression is not something we talk about, it’s robbed us loved ones…

    Good timely read…40s series got so much candor, love it.

    3
  • Esther
    08.05.2018

    “There’s something else that someone who drinks a lot is masking.” Very true

    4
  • ESKAY
    08.05.2018

    Cows & Ducks! Now you can pull this down too! Very deep read, almost depressing…

    2
  • Adega
    08.05.2018

    I feel like ive peered through the soul of someone ive never understood.
    I have looked into the window to see beyond the acts of humans.
    I have always wondered what it is with the S.As or as we call them nymphos.
    People are battling things, the way the know how until they know better.
    My better remains Jesus, His ways are just way easier and He helps with my tough ones without judging me.

    13
  • Geoyce
    08.05.2018

    First of, my heart hugs his heart. Bless the boss, he’s evidence that good people still exist.
    I felt like I was reading my story all through. Difference is, I’m just 22 and haven’t been married. I relate with this article so much and am encouraged that it gets better. Though it doesn’t look like it will, I hope.
    I’m tired of medication and therapies.Tired of people treating my depression and bipolar as scam in the name of “You’ve got it all together”. I am not sure that I know the woman I am at twenty two. She’s one big mess but at least she loves cakes.

    To the churches that just won’t help you until you’ve become a member of their congregation…(not necessarily saved) Jesus did not die for this. A little more love can bring us all there but then…

    I’m still laughing at the “cows coming home to roost”.
    Jack, this was definitely worth the ink.

    30
  • Diana
    08.05.2018

    Apart from his depression from the lose of his son,everything else hi crap.We are dealing with serious issues,having been brought up in dysfunctional family and in poverty.I struggle with life every single day.Hand to mouth literally. He just happened to be privileged in life,and took everything for granted. That’s my take. I have liked the story because of your brilliance in writing, Biko. Otherwise,it’s not all that.

    10
    • Mems
      08.05.2018

      Maybe that’s how you see it, but we are all built differently and react to things differently, secondly,were you sexually abused?or you missed that part. There were different things and issues going on in his life, being privileged I believe wasn’t a factor in how he ended up.

      16
      • joe
        08.05.2018

        Very true. We have this misconception that privilege is a shield from hurts. That depression, sexual assault, suicides can’t happen because one has been raised in wealth. But, dysfunctional families afflict all of us – rich or poor. Men mirror their fathers. They may run, hide but unless they confront who they are it’s vain.

        There is an interesting book out there called “Sins of the Father” a history of the Kennedy dynasty. Great read for those having issues with their fathers.

        14
        • Choash
          11.05.2018

          Where can I get this book – Sins of the Father?

    • Wanja
      08.05.2018

      If you hadn’t read up there….he too was brought up in a dysfunctional family including child molestation by the house-help. Do not belittle another’s pain just because you think yours is “bigger”….life is not a race on who has been dealt with the biggest blow, someone somewhere has seen worse than you, but we won’t belittle your being brought up in dysfunctional families and poverty. I say, own your race, learn from yours and others. His is not for you to pitty or loook down on, he shares for others to learn and know they’re aren’t alone and there’s help and hope.

      59
      • Anna
        08.05.2018

        Couldn’t have put it better.

        1
      • Kelsey
        09.05.2018

        If his story had a better ending maybe I would empathize. Dude out here chugging beer like he’s in college… wants to be chasing after 20 yr olds when he’s 60. That could be your 20 yr old daughter, man! Doesn’t sound like he’s much of an inspiration, y’know. I try to be fair but call BS when I see it.

        4
        • A-Kay 47
          09.05.2018

          Kesley, sweetie, why don’t you go back to the article and reread to understand this time, ok?

          13
        • Daria
          10.05.2018

          Kelsely.
          I agree with you. We empathize with his depression. But what has he made of himself post the depression.

          • Concerned
            22.05.2018

            Daria….he’s still in recovery, it’s just that he got off the meds………and the crazy thing about addiction and depression? you fight those demons every damn day for the rest of your life! some days/weeks/months/years you win, others you lose.

            1
        • Mo
          11.05.2018

          Kelsey, people tried explaining to you above but you are still missing the point. The story is about a man battling depression and unraveling the underlying demons that brought it about. You are obviously incapable of relating to this – i’m guessing you are a religious fanatic. Highly judgmental and lacking in empathy.

          3
        • Michelle
          14.05.2018

          Kelsey,

          I personally know this dude and what you are saying is 100% true. He refuses to grow up. Even ditching his pills for the sake of his libido. I pity his daughter.

          3
        • Ohingo
          15.05.2018

          Kelsey,

          Care to read the tail end of the article AGAIN??, he is clearly remorseful, and NO, he DOESN’T want to be those 60 year olds banging 20 year old chicks….his goals in the next 10-20 years is to make money…and be 100% be there for his daughter….that to me sounds like a remorseful and reformed mind/psyche….eeh my fair lady??

          1
    • Adhiambo Natalie
      08.05.2018

      My thoughts exactly

      1
    • ces
      08.05.2018

      Being born and bred in a well to do family does not necessarily guarantee one a happy life. Every human being goes through challenges and wealth does not negate that…….sometimes it only worsens the situation especially where people with your kind of attitude pass judgment! Sexual abuse and alcoholism and depression have no class. Have a little empathy, please.

      5
    • faith helen
      08.05.2018

      Serious is relative. Dysfunctional family and poverty does not beat his experience in my opinion. Lets not compare struggles anyway.

    • Kelsey
      09.05.2018

      Literally what I said in my comment above! This 40 yr old is NOT goals. Full of crap

      3
      • Marakesh
        09.05.2018

        I think we need to call out crap when we come across it. This story should have ended at the grief of loosing his son. I feel as a society we are celebrating and applauding bad behaviour in the guise of one illness or another. The story of this guy has been narrated prematurely we should have waited for him to get his shit together whether it takes another 30yrs to tell it.

        In fact between this story and the one for Godfrey this should have been pulled down last night.

        7
        • Atieno
          09.05.2018

          You sound like his friends who do not believe a guy like him who seems to have it all can battle with depression.

          3
      • Bless-Up
        09.05.2018

        He is not supposed to be goals, aside from the part where he’s dealing with his shit and trying to be a better man. It is meant to be a story about one of the human beings you would dismiss as being happy and privileged…a look underneath all that. Was the story about the man who is probably gay, but is fighting it, supposed to be goals? You shouldn’t look at people and think, Ooooh goals, that’s the whole point of this narrative methinks. People are fighting individual battles you know nothing about. And if we’re going to label people’s lives as goals, then Baba Duman wins as #mentalhealthgoals @Kelsey

        3
    • Ted
      09.05.2018

      Diana, what makes you think that his issues are not serious. Poverty and dysfunctional families are not the only struggles out there. While being born in a wealthy family gives one a head-start in life, its not always rosy. Many wealthy folk have to also deal with dysfunctional relationships, family strife and disputes etc. Don’t diminish his struggles, just because you cant relate to them.

      3
      • Diana
        09.05.2018

        I said that was my take.Respect that guys! And everyone is allowed to have an opinion.I respect yours.

  • adonga
    08.05.2018

    This messaged life changing….

    “You can change anything if you want to”

  • Kimani
    08.05.2018

    A nice nice read. The description of the smells though!!

    1
  • Teetotaler
    08.05.2018

    I don’t know how the hell or why but I’m loving this blog
    PS..new kid on the block

    2
    • Lykah
      08.05.2018

      Welcome to your new addiction.

      2
  • Felistakinyua @gmail.com
    08.05.2018

    There is actually stigma surrounding depression. People think it is fake or can’t make head or tail. Plus people might start thinking you are weak if you said you are depressed. People also think psychotherapy is for psycho’s and it is also expensive. I am glad this seemingly successful man as far as society is concerned shared the story of his struggles. Thanks for putting this out here Biko

    1
    • Circus Monkey
      09.05.2018

      I didn’t even read what u wrote, but am sure it’s great.

      1
  • Nashilu
    08.05.2018

    We are all fighting our own demons…..

  • abdullah omar
    08.05.2018

    it hurts!

  • Catherine Kahura
    08.05.2018

    You never really know what’s brewing in people’s lives. So, live your life, not through the eyes of others.”

    6
  • S
    08.05.2018

    Whoa!! this is deep & inspiring. “I’ve learnt that you can change pretty much anything if you really want to change it” This summed it all. I wish the guy a quick recovery from the depression & a smooth transition as he hopefully makes better life decisions & choices.

  • Carol
    08.05.2018

    Goodness!

  • Stella
    08.05.2018

    As always, thank you Biko. ION I paid for DRUNK of Fireplace and upto now nothing……

    • bikozulu
      08.05.2018

      Hi Stella, kindly share your email and complaint to info@bikozulu.co.ke we help sort it out ^YN

      1
  • Mushie
    08.05.2018

    Everything has a smell…

    You need to ease up, give yourself room.
    Live your life, not through the eyes of others..

    “Gimme a double, neat.” Screw hyperacidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid.”…Hahaha Biko

    3
  • Dalla Combs
    08.05.2018

    I think I need to see a shrink too because except for the Alcoholism part, I have the same problem, only that, I hadnt realised it till today.

    4
    • Anne
      08.05.2018

      Dallas, such comments are the reasons that make people share their stories, and why authors like Biko here, pen them down. Get help, its possible

      3
  • adonga
    08.05.2018

    This Story life changing….

    “You can change anything if you want to”
    I now know to look beyond the drinking. There is darkness lurking about..

    1
  • Wow…bold of him to come out into the open and share his story.
    Your past can never make you a lesser person..the present is here and the future is yet to come. God is always in the business of repair and restoration. Give Him the reins of your life.
    So many sexual partners though, would mean that your soul is fragmented into so many pieces and scattered about…cry out to God for deliverance and for his angels to bring back the fragmented bits back, and as well for deliverance from the oppressive incubus and succubus marine spirits.

    4
  • chichi
    08.05.2018

    I had to quickly read this one today before i get to know ,it was pulled down whoaa!
    Nice read and a thought ,Christ is the ultimate person who would quench our thirst.We all battle with this hole in us,this thirst that nothing would fill.We look to booze,we look to women/men,we look to pornography.we look to weed,company-friends, we look to money,we look to so many things that at the end of it leaves us more broken than how we got into it.Jesus is the well that can never run dry.
    Biko kudos with the good work you doing.
    I just love your articles,they are intriguing and mind engaging.

    3
  • Wanjiku
    08.05.2018

    Don’t you relapse baba Duma!

    Now seriously, you are having all that sex in a week while I have not had any for over 2 years, life ain’t fair!

    12
    • Mitch
      08.05.2018

      reaaally?!are you human?is that even possible?most importantly do you need help?

      2
      • Sharoe
        08.05.2018

        Haha…I live for such comments here!

    • Dn
      09.05.2018

      ain’t that a choice you have made? Otherwise why aren’t you getting some?

    • Hazel O. S
      10.05.2018

      Me too. No regrets though. After all, I’m looking for meaningful sex. Not casual flings that Nairobi seems to be full of….

  • Corrie
    08.05.2018

    Being vulnerable like this is not easy. Sometimes bringing something to the light, lightens the burden. WHAT A PIECE!!!

    2
  • Terry
    08.05.2018

    This read is just something else. I found myself imagining a movie based on his life.

    Besides his turning point, another thing that caught my attention was the description of alcoholism as a symptom of something else. This is very true.

    All in all, it is great that he turned his life around and continues to do so.

    1
  • Jackie
    08.05.2018

    Usually if you’re sharp enough, you’ll find alcoholism is a symptom, it’s not,to a large extent, a disease on its own. There’s something else that someone who drinks a lot is masking.”—-very true
    nice read

  • Betty
    08.05.2018

    “alcoholism is a symptom, it’s not,to a large extent, a disease on its own. There’s something else that someone who drinks a lot is masking.”
    Very profound, this!

    2
  • Black Parrot
    08.05.2018

    This is a sad story but I’ve laughed throughout….Forgive me

    1
  • Jaz
    08.05.2018

    It’s unfortunate that we cannot talk about having a mental illness without having people misjudge and assume you are the “Mathare” type. I like that he is comfortable with his condition.. it takes great courage. To even tell your boss!

    He is right. Most of us hide behind certain facades. I am one.

  • Ivy Ivyh
    08.05.2018

    You know bwana Biko, ever since I stumbled into the 40 series I feel 40 already probably clocking 50 in a few weeks, the weight on my head. Weight of wisdom.
    Alcoholism is a symptom.
    And everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know not of. Regardless of who they are.

    1
    • Malaika
      08.05.2018

      you called him bwana… hahaha he says it makes him feel old…

  • Ivy Ivyh
    08.05.2018

    You know bwana Biko, ever since I stumbled into the 40 series I feel 40 already probably clocking 50 in a few weeks, the weight on my head. Weight of wisdom.
    Alcoholism is a symptom.
    And everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know not of. Regardless of who they are.
    Wounds.

    1
  • Faith
    08.05.2018

    He does sound good with girls, like one of those men we all think we can change. It is a pity, but well I hope his road to recovery is smooth

    2
  • Peas in Pods
    08.05.2018

    Big up to your editing team Biko. The typos in the past few weeks have been negligible. Or am I the only one who has noted that?

    4
    • Irene.
      08.05.2018

      I haven’t noticed the typos but maybe I didn’t do a spell check. I picked out the lessons from the story and they are so many they overshadowed the typos.

      8
      • Peas in Pods
        22.05.2018

        Irene, there are people whose personality just doesn’t allow them to overlook some things which might appear negligible. Saying that your blouse is creased doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t beautiful. It’s only that my personality doesn’t allow me to ignore these little things. More like an OCD….

        1
  • Questkv
    08.05.2018

    ” You never really know what’s brewing in people’s lives. So, live your life, not through the eyes of others.” I will take this home.

    1
  • Mr Mogeni
    08.05.2018

    Learnt something new. “Alcoholism is only but a scapegoat ,a drunkers always suffering /lack inner peace “

  • Malaika
    08.05.2018

    And yesterday i met your mentor at the UKC.. He is just as you described him. A soft spoken man, nothing like what he used to write on Mantalk. now back to this topic, i need help. Help to help my brother i think he is battling his demons with alcoholism, prostitutes and bad company. I am desperate really, my mother and i all are. Purple drank and now this blog post have hit the mark. It is spiraling out of control, out of what we can humanly do to help him.

    I am desperate.

    1
    • Emmanuel
      08.05.2018

      Malaika you start by seeking divine help for him,by that i don’t mean a mganga but try prayers.Then the meds and humanly help will follow….a brother of mine has the same problem and boy we only trust prayers so far

    • James
      08.05.2018

      Hi Malaika,

      Sorry for what your brother is going through. It must pain you to see your brother suffering and not knowing what to do. Or worse, having your suggestions, offers and pleas for your brother to seek help ignored, downplayed or rejected. We Psychologists say that drug addiction/use is a family disease. That means that the family members of the addict suffer as much, (if not more) as the addict. Hence family members need counseling/therapy too.

      Here comes the hope. Have you sought an intervention for him from a competent Counseling Psychologist or Clinical Psychologist? Have you tried rehabilitation? There’s a possibility of him recovering from alcohol use/addiction if he goes through a proper rehab program. There, he’ll receive comprehensive treatment comprising detoxification, counseling/therapy and aftercare. I can’t possibly exhaust what counseling/rehabilitation entails in this reply.

      If you need any further help, please reach out. I’m a Counseling Psychologist. Hope your brother gets help and gets better soon.

      1
  • Catie Njeri
    08.05.2018

    This read has my mixed emotions are all over the place.

  • Gee
    08.05.2018

    Mental illness is so so real….and yes most people who are alcoholics are masking something way deeper…reach out to friends and family or even stranger….you never know what someone is trying to hide..

    1
  • Tabby
    08.05.2018

    Oh my! deep wounds for sure. Indeed you can change anything if you want to. Thank you Biko.

  • Sabby
    08.05.2018

    “Before the evening ends I will embarrass myself by asking DJ Jay C if he has a CD of his mix I can buy (my car only plays CDs) and I will be told that nobody has bought CDs since the turn of the century and that people get music off SoundCloud now. Sometimes it’s better to just shut up.” … I didn’t know people stopped buying CDs lol

    But life is interesting…and what I know for sure is that people are really hurting out there…

    2
    • Dj Jay C
      10.05.2018

      Check me out mixcloud.com/officialdjjayc

      3
  • Njugush
    08.05.2018

    quite deep..live your life not through the eyes of others..hope he recovers for the daughter’s sake.

    You had to mention toni..really??

  • Mutindis
    08.05.2018

    Mental illness is becoming an epidemic, because of the stigma. Today pressures and enviromnet don’t help either. Good story!

  • Wambui JL
    08.05.2018

    Such a relatable article, thanks for the name of the antidepressant he is on. I’ve been doing a little reading on different brands for myself. As for the “Cows coming home to roost.” paragraph… I almost susu’d on myself. That deserves a whole article. Please, Biko…please.

    1
  • tony
    08.05.2018

    i feel the guy…
    How one vulnerable one is but cant seek help..fear jets in,all you want is you and your bottle..of how our dark past seems to haunt us ,even when we want to reform…There is one thing i have also wanted in my life..to get somebody to give a shoulder..somebody who wouldnt judge me for my past..someone who see’s me not as a failed young adult..but someone who needs help and love.
    (tonygitonga9@gmail.com)

    2
  • Tuts
    08.05.2018

    What happened to the other child he got with his ex-wife? He only mentions his daughter and how he needs to get his act together for her. At the start of his narration, he mentions that he has a son, Duma (may he rest in peace) with his live-in girlfriend, he later gets married and has another two kids with his ex-wife.

    4
  • Philsoft
    08.05.2018

    What a nice read. Biko, I paid for Drunk under Fireplace and upto now, I still am not able to access

  • Joey Njung'e
    08.05.2018

    This is quite possibly my favorite post yet. It tugged at my heartstrings, it was real and raw.

    and yes people, sex addiction is absolutely a thing!

  • David Mwenda
    08.05.2018

    First things first welcome back Biko
    second the fuss about Halle Berry shes just too hot thats all (this is non negotiable by the way)
    I like this guy honest wouldnt be comfortable talking about this but he stood up kudos and maybe sex addicts have a look I dont know hehehe

  • Wanjiku wa Chege
    08.05.2018

    Nice read. Depression is real. They say life begins at 40, its good you are starting on a clean slot. We wish him all the best in his second phase of life.

  • @Gillyi
    08.05.2018

    An interesting long piece to give it a shot!

  • Eva
    08.05.2018

    I can relate to this guy with zero judgement. But that change is hard work, not easy at all.

    1
    • SuchisLife
      08.05.2018

      What a Man, what a story.
      I feel like i read a bit about someone i knew last year. I am at the office trying not to cry. Biko true story. This was the best.

  • Kendi
    08.05.2018

    Stuck at 29 cars!!!29!!!!!!!!!!One of those stories you read with pauses in between because taking it in all at once is too much.

    1
  • Jay
    08.05.2018

    Such a beautiful piece. This was worth the wait.

  • SuchisLife
    08.05.2018

    What a Man, what a story.
    I feel like i read a bit about someone i knew last year. I am at the office trying not to cry. Biko true story. This was the best.

  • Judy
    08.05.2018

    I feel really saddened by how he was treated by the church… It is really a shame. Sadly, a lot of churches essentially use the approach: “clean up” (or at least do this and that first) so you can “qualify to belong”. I can say without fear of contradiction that this is not the approach of Jesus himself!!! If you can “clean up” by yourself, why would you need the church? Or even Jesus for that matter?
    I think the better approach should be: “You come, high as a kite, with your addiction and stuff… If Jesus is worth your while, and He is, He will sort you”. I don’t mean to imply that there is no responsibility for action on the person’s part (neither do I mean to imply that he shouldn’t seek medical help) – I mean – that we can’t shut the door on him until he meets certain requirements.

    5
    • Edwin
      12.05.2018

      wow such a beautiful comment,insightful

  • MumEstin
    08.05.2018

    Such a pleasant surprice.

  • Clement
    08.05.2018

    Damn Boy! Damn!

  • Brittany
    08.05.2018

    Well I’ve had sex with over 50 men and I’m no addict…also get bored easily and cheat

    Maybe even had sex with this guy

    Alcoholism is definitely a symptom

    6
    • Bless-Up
      09.05.2018

      Eish and lol. I don’t even have the courage to stick my own finger up in there, let alone a whole other appendage from another human being.

  • Wahito
    08.05.2018

    Please please please write an article about the smells…I’ll frame it and kiss it Goodnight every night

    1
  • Gash
    08.05.2018

    Betrayal smells of Lucifer’s left armpit……

  • Carol
    08.05.2018

    Sorry to the guy…at least he has taken the first step of accepting he has a problem and is working on it,kudos and all the best…If I read well he has two children but towards the end he seems to only speak adoringly of his daughter. Correct me if am wrong but I believe to change the cycle on the men in his family he should start with been cognizant of his son…Am already feeling Woiye for the left out forgotten son who may soon grow into a man licking his wounds of being left out and unloved. Only to fumble in the dark and repeat his father’s downward spiral.

    2
    • kk
      08.05.2018

      erm….the son is the 18 month old that died. That also confused me as i thought he had 2 kids in marriage.

  • Mitch
    08.05.2018

    reaaally?!are you human?is that even possible?most importantly do you need help?

    1
  • Boyanir
    08.05.2018

    Insightful. If my boss was this enlightened, I would still have that laptop. Huh . Critical thinking is the filter to evaluate the content of words. We should not just be passive emotional recipients

  • jacob Aliet
    08.05.2018

    Well written as usual.

  • Mike
    08.05.2018

    Hey Biko,

    Just wondering if you got the name of the shrink he went to last..

    • bikozulu
      09.05.2018

      Dr Kirindi

      2
      • Mike
        09.05.2018

        Hi Biko,

        Many thanks for this. Bless you.

        M

  • Rina
    08.05.2018

    wow. most people are battling inner demons that no one knows about.
    Biko ask him to visit VPH (vincentian prayer house)Lavington on Amboseli rd. This is one place where everyone is welcome with no conditions.
    Lots of people battling all sorts of inner wounds have found help there.
    He will surely pull through.

    2
  • Joy
    08.05.2018

    At a fellowship, the teacher after the end of the sermon, asks people who have been hurt to just talk to God about it. Let’s just say there was a lot of wailing, crying and heaving. It occurred to me suddenly how much people e conceal.

    That’s why I advocate for people to be kind always. Some things people say hurt and just end up opening up hidden wounds.

    This is a great read Biko. As for the gentleman, he’ll overcome it, just step by step, day by day and all will be well.

    My question is, what happens to those who have no reason to hold on? The man has his daughter, what about those who have no one? How do you convince yourself you’re worth living for?

    4
  • Kelsey
    09.05.2018

    If his story had a better ending maybe I would empathize. Dude out here chugging beer like he’s in college… wants to be chasing after 20 yr olds when he’s 60. That could be your 20 yr old daughter, man! Doesn’t sound like he’s much of an inspiration, y’know. I try to be fair but call BS when I see it.

    3
    • Mkash
      09.05.2018

      Did you read the end of the article? The guy is coming around. He accepts his faults and realizes he must do better.

      My libido is not going away, that’s now a given so, if I want to change it I just have to make a conscious decision to change and focus on the important things. And it’s coming along slowly. I mean I quit smoking years back so I can do this. I don’t want to be one of those ridiculous 60-year old guys you see still running around after 20-year olds. Fornication takes a lot of your energy and I’ve enjoyed the stage, I’ve gotten away with it, not unscathed but I’m still here so it’s probably time to do something else now. Find a different form of enjoyment, find that intimacy, my career, go back to painting which was always my first love anyway.”

      Surely you can’t say he is showing off. Mental illness is real… Am just glad someone will read this and feel encouraged.

      8
    • L.M.
      09.05.2018

      Did I read wrong or did he say that he DOESN’T want to be chasing after 20 year olds at 60…. i like the ending… there’s no magical turn around and he still has his struggles but he’s doing what he can where he can striving to be better… that counts for something no?

      1
    • Njambs
      10.05.2018

      “I don’t want to be one of those ridiculous 60-year old guys you see still running around after 20-year olds.” …….did you not read this part?

  • Bekos
    09.05.2018

    He has a lot of growing up to do. Thank God he is realizing it…. We become our surroundings. So if he maintains the same lifestyle. History will surely repeat itself.

  • Ythera
    09.05.2018

    I want to hear Duma’s mother’s story.

    1
  • Mercy
    09.05.2018

    oh my word what a story i big up the man for seeking help, its a cold world out there to be fighting demons alone. Now for the girls he ” dated” i feel for you trying to save a man who is in a part of destruction it eats at you leaving you feeling like some how its your fault. i think what i learnt any way that he is not ours to save but to love.

    2
  • Roscoe
    09.05.2018

    I have a friend, my best friend really. Sexually abused throughout her childhood, a lot more complexities to the whole story. It is not my place to tell the whole story. Most of the time, she shuts people out, including me and drink alcohol. a lot of it. Once in 3 months she breaks down. I have found her passed out a couple of times. It kills me that I am not in a position to help. I am far from religious, but every time i do not see her for 3 days I start praying. Problem is, she cannot know that I worry about her because she will completely shut me down, just like she has done to most people in the past. Her parents are very religious and very ignorant on mental health. She is in campus and it really affects her grades. I hope that prayer does work.

    5
  • Ann
    09.05.2018

    ”Screw hyper acidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid.”

    1
  • Jullian N
    09.05.2018

    Good read. I pray for his daughter. And also pray for men with daughters who have issues that break women.

    1
  • Sare
    09.05.2018

    First, can the word “space” in the context people use it nowadays be retired? I’m so sick and tired of it, it echoes loudly in my brain every time I hear it. Ditto “this particular” that TV anchors and reporters use mpaka I’m convinced they risk a pay cut if they don’t use it.
    Secondly, when it comes to hurts, habits and hang ups usually they stem from something that happened as a child as this guy found out, and acting out is a coping mechanism. There are places to get help, like AA, SA, etc and the reason these places have so many success stories is because they are non-judge mental, everyone is accepted as they are, and more importantly they offer support in terms of mentors and accountability partners so that the individual never has to walk alone on the road to recovery. If anyone has watched The Wire and remembers Bubbles you’ll know what I’m talking about.

    1
  • lvly
    09.05.2018

    I don’t think this guy is healed yet,three DIFFERENT chicks in a week …aiiiii may be you should do the medis again.how is he taking care of his health yet he keeps sleeping around???..if its addiction he thinks he has then tell us you stayed a month or an year with out sleeping around.
    Actually you remind of a blog you did for a university guy who had drug problem the only thing that keep him out of it was having no money in his pocket. i would give a chance to the uni guy kiasi he tried as young as he appears but this 40 year old guy aiii i think his effort are effortless…how do you hurt a woman and think you are heeled without even apologizing to them surely!!!!!!…forgive yourself and as well seek forgiveness then you will be at peace..
    thou i feel sorry for him for the lose of a child no parent deserve to bury a child the pain has no words to explain.my opinion

    7
    • Betty
      09.05.2018

      I agree, 3 different chicks a week!
      until he learns to love himself he will never truly heal.
      good luck to him.

      1
  • Tracy
    09.05.2018

    Nice read. I am so glad that we are finally talking about depression and mental illness as a society. And one thing I have realized from almost all the depressives I have read from/about, they are highly creative! All is well

    1
  • Rina
    09.05.2018

    Though not easy start by forgiving yourself and minimize self blame.
    One of these days pop in at the Vincentian Prayer House Lavington on Amboseli Rd. You will get help there and embark on an inner healing journey. It is possible.

  • Louis Wamukoya
    09.05.2018

    Touching and nice read. Wish him the best.

  • ” I’ve learnt ( I am still learning) that you can change pretty much anything if you really want to change it.”

    Also, unknown to most, the level of mental illness in this country is staggering. The biggest black outs for me are from the statistics on suicide as a result of mental illness especially depression.

  • Lynn
    09.05.2018

    Hello,

    Kindly share the contacts and name of the shrink who helped the man in the story, its really important, kindly email me or post as a comment, it could save a life!

    Thank you

  • Lee K
    09.05.2018

    my views on this are so conflicted. My heart goes out to him and all people who are not able to get the psychological and social help and support easily. It’s sad that his might be one of the better stories out there cause most people with mental issues rarely get any help at all. His boss is super great, very few would do that for you. That being said,
    I get hints that he isn’t quite remorseful about everything. Like you just realized that you hurt people, and are shocked that you did??????? I believe we always know the repercussions of our actions. Even those I know who have gone through cycles where they hurt people due to their coping mechanisms knew it. Accepting that you hurt others isn’t a big deal, sealing the rift is. Not that you’d go to each person and try and rectify the errors, but doing it with those who are around you. And the church wasn’t a shocker. Being a Christian, even I have realized how inadequate and ineffective we are as a body. And change is a joke apparently. Wishing you (him) all the best. Happiness, healing and an amazing future with your daughter. There is no point to this comment btw. Just frustrated and conflicted. Truly human story, no hero, no villain

    6
    • Melissa Thuku
      10.05.2018

      He is not remorseful at all, seems like he thinks he’s winning by sleeping around. What a shame! He needs to start loving himself and drop that habit.

  • Anon
    09.05.2018

    But the thing is we all have to be accountable for the pain and talent we are given and so one day God will ask me what I did with my pain.

    There is a misconception that people who are hurt end up hurting other people, people who use their pain to give others pain. If that were the case I would have ended up raping children or women. You don’t dish what was dished.”

    — From Biko’s Interview with Josaya Wasonga: http://www.bikozulu.co.ke/pain-and-pen/

    2
  • wangari
    09.05.2018

    What a read! sad story but with a sense of humour.. I now know that..betrayal smells of Lucifer’s left armpit….I pray that one day he finds strength and courage to slay his demons that keep on haunting him…

  • Shazy
    09.05.2018

    Sure, the struggle with mental illness is real, tough and one can easily give up. Nice one Biko…..i still wonder how Lucifer’s left armpit smells…ahaha

  • Kiilu, CN
    09.05.2018

    If You’re still in touch, tell the guy to try Alcoholic Anonymous for a day or too.
    There are meetings in Nairobi every day and the schedule is inline.

  • Kiilu, CN
    09.05.2018

    If You’re still in touch, tell the guy to try Alcoholic Anonymous for a day or two.
    There are meetings in Nairobi every day and the schedule is inline.

    • TeeKay
      16.05.2018

      There is Sex Addicts Anonymous too on Valley Road.

  • Iva
    09.05.2018

    there are voids in our lives that only Jesus can fill with his love. first step to accept him in your life is very personal and you believe and say it with your own mouth, the church has no part in this. This can happen even when you are alone in a closed room. Good he is on medication, good he has accepted and is willing to change. For the home run, I would still recommend that he tries JC.

    1
    • Rhoda Kemboi
      12.05.2018

      It’s part of recovery too when he takes time to apologize to those he has wronged through this traumatic period of his life. That’s what decent people do when they are wrong.

      1
  • Betty
    09.05.2018

    3 different chicks in a week!
    until he learns to love himself he will never truly heal.
    good luck.

    1
  • Vicky
    09.05.2018

    On a lighter note, Biko, you microwaved a pawpaw? But why!!?
    Now to the serious stuff, the stigma on mental health is overwhelming. Depression is so real, I’m speaking from experience. It eats you up ant turns you into a shell of the peroson you once were. There is no shame in seeking for help. Good read Biko.

    1
  • Kim
    09.05.2018

    Great read! THERE ARE men dealing with bigger issues than hyperacidity…

    And yes, not all alcoholics have deeper issues being masked by the alcohol consumption. For some alcohol IS the issue!

    1
  • Ismene
    09.05.2018

    We certainly need to keep the conversation on mental health going especially in Kenya and Africa at large.

    1
  • Boyanir
    09.05.2018

    Truth! Proverbs 12:18 says
    There is one who speaks rashly, like a piercing sword; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

    To those pointing fingers… Don’t be too salty! Empathize. Critical thinking is the filter to evaluate the content of words. We ought not just be passive emotional recipients

    2
  • Isaac O
    09.05.2018

    Interesting!

    Always learning from your stories. There’s so much happening outside here.

  • marie
    09.05.2018

    I love the part on Alcoholism as just a symptom of underlying issues. This piece has left me with a loot of mixed emotions. From where i sit, as a shrink, ( which is a very disrespectful term by the way, the correct and dignified term should be the profession e.g a psychiatrist, a counselor or a psychologist) I see a man who is deeply rooted in generational patterns and not about to leave anytime soon, sadly the patterns may spill off to his daughter. I see a very bitter man, in how he generalizes things, like about churches… he probably generalizes things in his life as well like in the case of the death of his son, even though grief is heavy on anyone. I see a man who has negative coping systems and has not developed any healthy ways to cope. I see a man who has very little or no support system because he believes that after a few months he won’t feel it no more. I applaud this man for being able to come off of suicidal thoughts and attempts but he has a very loong way to go, if he doesn’t learn and stop these patterns. I wish the man and his daughter all the best.

    3
  • L.M.
    09.05.2018

    So I just finished reading “the perks of being a wallflower” a book I thought was about a high functioning autistic but when I got to the end I changed my mind about what I thought about the main character. Now after reading this post, I really think Charlie, the main character is a ‘high functioning depressive”
    Anyway, I’m glad Baba Duma decided to get some help and is working on himself. Go you.

    • Boyanir
      09.05.2018

      Baba Duma reading some of these comments -will keel his psyche… akin to when the person you think you are dating asks you, ‘why are you single?’ Ever so glad he Knows that his life cannot be lived through your salty eyes. Wohh. Lol

      3
  • light
    09.05.2018

    “When people have not worked on disciplining their mind and pain body, they have no core self, and thus are an instinctual slave to knee jerk reactions and random impulses that take control over their body.”-LR

    Such is the wound to the spirit.

  • Monique
    09.05.2018

    I really feel for all the good women who have been in his life.. Anyway wish you well sir.

    2
  • MAURYN
    09.05.2018

    “You never really know what’s brewing in people’s lives. So, live your life, not through the eyes of others.” my take from this story

  • Ronoh Kipkirui
    09.05.2018

    What I think? You interviewed me…well, at least, if am double my age, already working – have worked for years – and take beer – not these cheap brandy….
    Its insightful as always… This is my fourteenth blog. Am loving it… Am gonna go down to the more than six years of blogs… Or so…

  • Mugabi Patsy
    09.05.2018

    Like Oliver Twist, Please may we have some more sir!
    Because mental health matters, matter.
    A bit of me honestly wants to give him a high five in the face, but I am truly in awe of the subtle honesty he exudes!

    Can we see more Mental Health Posts?

    2
  • Njuguna Ndung'u
    09.05.2018

    Isn’t this deep. Strips and clothes in the same blow.

  • Maina Gakere
    10.05.2018

    This is my first time to comment on your blog Biko and I must say depression is real among the youth. People should talk about their problems before the hit rock bottom.

  • Mary
    10.05.2018

    It’s good he knows that only he his willingness can change his predicament at the very opportune moment. Such a nice read.

  • Paula
    10.05.2018

    Thats sounds like my Ex and my Bro… Both battling terminal illess thanks to similar lifestyle and living off Sugar mummies, both too busy to provide or atleast spend time with their children
    When you raise a spoiled child, they grow up to be so selfish… For being a drunkard and a whore is an excuse not to take responsibility

    2
  • Black Panther
    10.05.2018

    Jesus Christ would tell people the truth but at the same time loved people. He was criticized by the religious establishment for eating with ‘sinners’ (who is not a sinner?). The more religious one is and/ or the more things are going well in ones life, the harder it is to relate with those who are weak or are facing struggles. The challenge for all of us is to love people unconditionally; whether they change or not. Judgment belongs to God.

    1
  • Brenda Nyawara
    10.05.2018

    This article has brought out far much more than just his story. Relationships, hookers, the church, the deejay, shrinks, wives, hoes, men, alcohol, Muthaiga, hoes, money, cars, Kilimani SQs, mental health, hoes, etc. I am starting to think Biko wanted us to focus more on these issues and not just the guy. I do hope he heals as he grows older.

    6
  • Mwende
    10.05.2018

    This man shared his story. His life. The way it is without sugar coating it for our society that prefers its people’s stories to be coated with “goodness”.
    But I come to the comments and people would have preferred his story to end with a reformed person. A fairy tell ending showing how he is now a good person. And you know what? Maybe that’s why as a society we battle with depression secretly..because we are afraid of getting this same backlash should we tell our real stories.
    I think we should embrace authenticity and empathy.

    5
  • Thecode
    10.05.2018

    You couldn’t have ended that in a better way, epic conclusion – I look up at the relentless 14-year old Oban and tell the barman, “Gimme a double, neat.” Screw hyperacidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid.

  • KP
    10.05.2018

    Maybe one day interview a shrink? There are many people who need help from a shrink or know relatives who do but don’t know where to even start.. This was a good interview, an interview clearly indicating that it is okay to talk about crap one has gone through and is recovering from.

    Kelsey… go drink some water from Ndakaini Dam, seems you are going through some dryspell and I cannot place my finger on which one it is….so lets start with Ndakaini Dam..

    4
  • Suzie
    10.05.2018

    “Gimme a double, neat.” Screw hyperacidity, there are men battling with far worse things than hydrochloric acid……..this got me laughing…nice read

  • David Wahome
    10.05.2018

    Ten years after marrying, my wife just left me and our three boys. Church people stopped greeting me bwana asifiwe. I got real depressed. The wounds took another ten years to manage. Depression is real. Biko can you interfew poor people who get depressed? You may showcase strength of character that overcome depression without pills. One day you wrote “those in forty’s who have succeeded” not a verbatim quote. Whats success measured in? Love your writing. Maybe I need a master class attendance.

    3
  • Dj Jay C
    10.05.2018

    @bikozulu haha,I’ll make you that mix CD bro,this Saturday come one come all Anyway check me out http://www.mixcloud.com/officialdjjayc

    3
  • Rhoda Kemboi
    11.05.2018

    It’s a sad reality that most creatives are unhappy and mean spirited. With that in mind it’s imperative to be conscious of how you treat others and stop before you leave permanent wounds.

    2
  • Mercy :)
    11.05.2018

    well, does anyone know how much a session with a good shrink costs and any recommendations to one ?

    thank you

  • David
    11.05.2018

    I agree with Kelsey causebi think I understand her argument and point and Derrick has validated her point…….yes we agree depression is a terrible terrible thing and we empathize with him but he should mend his ways at forty shagging 3 different women in a week that’s twelve in a month (assuming it is different women everytime)
    I am just going to take the positives and leave the negatives in the story

    1
  • Edwin
    12.05.2018

    This story is sorrowful and emotional,Biko brought out the best of it,telling it as it is,my thought on this guy is that we all have secret battles that we fight every day that is only known between us and God only,for this guy though he decided to let the world know is a good starting point. and shuold be applauded.There are different ways of fighting your secret battles and we can differ on the approach but the end result should be convergent.I also like the fact that he has singled out his daughter as an inspiration for living,its a gerat point to start as well.I strongly disagree with guys who think 40 is the ultimate age for change,first change is relative and life is not a race,change can come at age 20 or 60 or never happen and such is life.

    1
  • Siphokazi
    12.05.2018

    Aaaah man, at least he is not praying for a miracle and he is ackonowledging his imperfections, unlike the rest of us when we choose to choke up in our own lies and wounds, we stereotype depression, we just want to be perfect while our souls has been through the most, Looove the interview.

    2
  • Adhis
    13.05.2018

    Wondering. If this story was about a woman would we as society be as understanding? If being a manwhore is a condition called sex addiction can it be passed down genetically? They say we look for our fathers in the men we choose to marry so I hope for his daughters sake he moves forward and not backwards.

  • Dorcas
    15.05.2018

    Biko, your blog is like the forbidden. All the cocaine in the world can’t even mess with you coz your stories are the ultimate high. As a rule of thumb, I never read your posts on Tuesdays because I need to let the tension build and the comments accumulate; I relish these, by the way. When I finally indulge, it feels like eating a gourmet meal after coming home from prison. This story was so good that superlatives are superfluous! Can’t wait for the next one…

    3
  • Md Maruful Hoque
    16.05.2018

    Wow, I am felling a large number of Knowledge about this article. Thank you so much for your good article and give five star.

  • Njoki
    20.05.2018

    Depression is real and it too has a trail of stigimazation. I hope that Baba Duma Finally fights off this demons and can sit back and say I overcame.

  • Esther
    21.05.2018

    People are going through a lot of stuff. Not the happy ending i was hoping/praying for, but …glad to know things would have been worse but they are not so.
    I feel so many things right now!

  • Quasimodo
    22.05.2018

    “the greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is illusion of knowledge”

  • hellen
    19.06.2018

    this is awesome. we must talk about depression. its here with us

  • Wakweika Felix
    20.06.2018

    Enjoyed reading this! Thank you for sharing Biko!

  • Zahara
    21.06.2018

    as innnn????? what’s wrong with us humansss?? I don’t get this!!! A man tells his story, his fight, puts his shame all out there and the best you can do is try to dig him in deeper? My father had an alcoholism problem but regardless of all the shitty things he’s done, i still love him and so do my siblings and that love, that support, that unwavering strength is what makes him a better man now. We thank God that this is not your struggle coz clearly, you would have already committed suicide or something alike. If you have nothing kind to say, pick out a lesson or 2 from his story and freakin move on! Also, i’m tired of women making everything about them! This is a story about mental illness and depression GENDER DIFFERENCES…get a grip sister! When that time comes, we’ll discuss gender. Stay on topic! Perhaps you’re mad or hurt about something in your life that is causing ya’ll to be so bitter, i suggest you get yourself some help!

    Thanks for the stories Biko! You light up my little world! And good luck to that man…we’re proud of his strength and resilience to be a better person.

    1
  • Linda
    25.06.2018

    Thanks for sharing. Very informative

  • zachary
    04.07.2018

    • Offers! Offers! Purchase the Thermal-Printers in Nairobi, Kenya

  • Mageria
    10.10.2018

    Dead man walking.

    2
  • Rogers Mutuku
    12.10.2018

    Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time. Life is too short to be making reckless decisions.

    2

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