Alley tales

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Lust smells. But when lust blends with desperation, it stinks like a hyena’s carcass. Here is how bad it smells. Once in a while my boy Kwame and I will end up at Sailors bar in Hurligham for a tipple. It’s a decent place; the music is grand, the crowd is grounded and the women dress up in flirty little dresses then hurdle in them booths where over a drink they cross their shaven legs and act like they are not being admired. It’s all good.

But – just like Galileos – parking is shit at Sailors. After three Vitz and five Mitsubishi Lancers have parked nothing much is left. Thankfully because the watchmen are cool guys, they normally open this black gate behind the club and let me park in this filthy backstreet that teems with dirty puddles of water when it rains, alley cats and other dregs of the night. The staff-only backdoors of the club spill into this alley and once in a while you will find a uniformed member of staff sneaking in a quick cigarette while the alley cats linger in the shadows, wary of secondhand smoke. I belong to this alley – the higher quest for debauchery has never been dissuaded by a little discomfort, gang.

A few weeks ago, I reversed into this alley at around 11pm with noble intentions of having one drink…in the club, not the alley. There was a couple leaning on this nice black Toyota Harrier. Or rather, the bird was leaning on the Harrier and the man was leaning on her. She was very light, so light she glowed in the dark. She wore a black dress, this massive, colorful beaded necklace and a large belt that embraced her waist. She wore short hair dyed brown (or peroxide) and not many women can pull off that short hair look well. In fact I can only think of two; Toni Braxton and Jean Wanjiku. Google them. Anyway, she looked divine and you would – fleetingly – understand why the guy was breathing down her cleavage.  I can’t remember what the guy was wearing though, but in hindsight I think he was wearing Desperation.

He had had a few. So had I. Hell, everyone in that alley had had a few…except the cats.

When I stepped out of the car, I realized that he was trying to feel her. You know in that way that a guy would touch a woman in the hope of convincing her to come home with him? Yes. And his voice was low and tender; like a rustling leaf in the wind. He sounded like a guy trying so hard to convince a child to take Scots Emulsion.

Problem was she wasn’t feeling him that way, I could tell from her body language as soon as I glanced over at them. It’s not like she hated being groped about in the alley like a woman of wobbly morals, I suspect she really just wasn’t ready to take it home. Anyway, as I’m locking up the Alley Whisperer spoke up to me; “Boss, I’m just leaving, do you mind letting me pass?”

I said sawa. I was blocking him, or rather a dustbin was, so I had to move ahead and let him maneuver around it.

He then raised one finger, “In a moment please, if you don’t mind.”

I didn’t mind, for two reasons; one, he was effusively polite and I like people who are polite. Secondly he was a man on the hunt and we have all been there. I mean when a guy is trying to score – out of respect – you step aside and let him close the deal even if the odds are stacked against him. We all share a common fate, men. I have never seen a guy go through something and thought, “Ha, that can never happen to me,” because I know it can. So I stood against the wall and pretended to make a phone call when all I was doing was eye them from the corner of my eyes.

He wanted to take her home. He wanted to take her home badly and she kept saying it was too soon. I wondered why she had come all the way to his car only to say she wasn’t ready to rumble. Did she see the alley cats and change her mind?

But he was unrelenting; he tried all the tricks in the book to convince her. He tried tracing the contours of her face with one finger- the finger he had held up at me asking me to wait. That finger- unfortunately – wasn’t going to break the ice. It had been beaten by the wind and was now cold. A mummy’s finger. I bet she felt like someone was running frozen fish-finger down her face because she kept pulling her face away whenever he run that finger down her face. Then he tried to kiss her neck…like that would make her knees turn into jelly. But she stood sturdy, like Goliath. I was beginning to enjoy this spectacle.

The fact was, the night wasn’t his. I’m no love guru, but I could tell that girl wasn’t going to get into that car. Hell, the alley cats knew the bird wasn’t getting into that car if there was a free pedicure and manicure in there!

But he seemed ignorant of this fact, even when anybody who had a pulse could tell the sheer futility of his mission.  And he was getting desperate and women can smell desperation though your Azzaro Chrome…hell, as it turned out, so can cats because at some point one of the alley cats shook its head and sauntered away, ashamed of being a part of the charade. But even in the face of this blatant disinterest (of the girl, not the cat) he really thought he would turn the tables. He thought the stars would align themselves suddenly and she would say, “OK, let’s go but I will sleep in the spare room.”

To tell you the truth, at some desperate point I started rooting for him, not because he had asked me to wait politely but because he was a guy. I really wanted him to turn everything around. I wanted the night to be his. I wanted him to triumph because he was at least trying (albeit too hard) even though his horniness was pressing the mission (was that a pun?)

But would you blame him? Maybe the girl had touched the back of his neck the whole time as they drunk. Or maybe she had stroked his thighs with her soft hands and said something like, “These thighs remind me of the thighs in the movie Troy, have you seen the movie Troy?” and he had nodded even though he hadn’t seen the damned movie. Maybe at some point she had leaned into his ear and whispered compliments about his dreadlocks (“I loooove you locks, you should do a Pilsner ad, Pilsner Mfalme, grrrh.” Hehehe).  How could he not believe her? Tell a man anything while he is drinking and chances he will believe you, but only if you lean in his left ear and whispers it…s.l.o.w.l.y.  The devil lives in the left ear.

So I bet at some point of the evening he thought the girl was in the bag. In fact he had played the last scene scenario in his head; how he would switch on the lights to his pad as they walked in and he would herd her to his aquarium where he would introduce him to Doshi, – his 3-month old Goldfish – and act like he bloody cares deeply about fauna. As if he is kind to animals. Hehe. He had pictured how he would sit her on the sofa and pour her a small drink and act like ripping off her dress with his teeth was the last thing on his mind. That all he wanted was to talk, like he is the kind of guy who only wanted to listen to her first, to know who she was and what her dreams were before he had his way with her. Like he is just the kind of sensitive guy who loves to stare into a woman’s eyes and really listen to her at 11pm in the night even with booze and lust soaring through his veins.

Then unpredictably it ends in the alley, with cats as an audience.

But we have all been there. We have all been led to the watering hole; dizzy with lust, a throbbing vein running down our forehead, our throats dry with anticipation and then at the final hour the carpet is yanked from under our feet! Wham!

Anyway, he kept planting these small baby kisses on her forehead and she kept pushing his head away in a way that would have broken a baby buffalo’s neck. He then tried sweet words and when that also failed, he tried reverse psychology: “You don’t even like me, this must be a game to you,” he said. I looked away and smiled hard. And when that also failed he stood back and glared at her. I mean really glared at her in such a way that made the alley cats that were enjoying this free entertainment slowly step further back into the shadows with fear.

They stood there and stared at each other; her hugging herself against the car and him half a meter from her, poring a hole in her with his wrathful and disappointed eyes. At this point he sort of embraced the possibility that she wasn’t coming with him. I wondered what he would have said to the author of the book The Secrets, which states that if you want something so bad the universe will conspire to give it to you. He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secrets to wrap matumbo. It was 10.30PM, the universe was asleep, and that was no secret.

I felt sorry for him if you want to know the truth, not because he had come to the jarring realization that he would go home alone, but because he wanted to cry. As he stood there glaring at Miss Thing, I honestly thought he would use his last card and start weeping and perhaps the girl would hold his head to her bosom and he would softly weep between her breasts but with a small wicked smile. But that girl was Idi Amin’s distant relative because she did no such thing. She leaned back adamantly and shook her head and called him by his name for the first, “Mark, I can’t. Not today.” And I wanted to walk over and ask her: why not, lady? Why not today? What if today was all Mark had? What if tomorrow Mark falls down a staircase and breaks his back and is unable to raise as much as that cold finger thereafter? What if tomorrow Mark wakes up and forgets who he is or who you are? What if tomorrow Marks wakes up and develops an erectile malfunction? What if tomorrow Mark wakes up and realizes he is gay after all? Or worse, what if Mark turns into an alley cat tomorrow? Eh? Then what lady? Then what?! Why don’t you work with Mark here, throw him a bone (damn, these puns). Why don’t you save him from himself, come on, what do you say you do your good deed for the day tonight? Then I’d turn to Mark and say, “Isn’t that right, Mark?”

“Correcto Mundo!” he would holler, Samuel L. Jackson style.

But I didn’t, instead I pretended to be getting impatient at waiting because it had been 3mins after all. Between you and me, I find desperation shockingly entertaining. I think for anyone to get to a point where they toss away their pride and make an ass of themselves is beautiful material for dark comedy. We have all been there.

Eventually Mark got into his car, slammed the door so hard the cats got ulcers and I got into mine and moved out of the way for him to pass. He then sulkily drove out, past the dustbin, and left her standing there. The stench of desperation and anger hung in the air in his wake.

As I walked away I heard an alley cat sigh loudly, or was it a giggle?

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162 Comments
  1. He left her there? Seriously? Biko the scripting thing is still open *desperation* Thank you for this week. Have a great one Biko.

    1. Hey Faith, thanks but I can’t really take it up now, there is just no time to take anything more. Next time? 🙂

  2. Well put, desparation and lust stink especially if the reverse happens…great piece and great week.

  3. aah Biko you should write a book i just wanted to continue reading on and on.oh and you caught me too i tried googling this “Jean wanjiku” am a sucker for shot hair too.Good work.

  4. iv enjoyd the read biko! reminded me of that ur roomate from uganda. . the one with the white shoes!!! the 2week wait was worth!

  5. GOR…wololo! poor dude went home all blue-balled…Great piece Biko, i could picture the scene real clear

    1. Come on Mlefu, do I have to explain a story? Mark is not my friend, it’s right there in the story. He is a guy who parked behind me in an alley. Does that amount to friendship, mate, does it?

      1. “Secondly he was a man on the hunt and we have all been there”…driving a nice Toyota harrier ……it just happens you become the hunted.

        I too would Judas such friends.

    1. You know how chics get knocked down Waiyaki Way Kipticha? ‘Cause we’ve been trying to figure that out for a while now…

  6. After a no show last week, this is how to make a bloody comeback, damnit!.
    This piece has left me rather chuffed to bits:)
    So many quotable snippets, just the right dose of incredibly lame puns, the prose, as always, superb.
    Utterly brilliant i say.
    Bring on the rest of July.
    Have fantastic week Biko:)

  7. Heaven bless the puns, it really sounded like one of those blackie movies…..hot babe – ordinary dude then she bails out. Can’t stop laughing at the idea of it and Mark standing there …. it is so real. It’s a dog’s world out there that’s why the cats had to sit and watch.

  8. “So I stood against the wall and pretended to make a phone call when all I was doing was eye them from the corner of my eyes.” Biko,Biko, you are such a snoop. Made my week.

  9. You have great creativity and Imagination, this did it for me “how he would switch on the lights to his pad as they walked in and he would herd her to his aquarium where he would introduce him to Doshi, – his 3-month old Goldfish – and act like he bloody cares deeply about fauna.”

    now i know this is a hoax “the book The Secrets, which states that if you want something so bad the universe will conspire to give it to you.” if it didn’t work for Mark, am ain’t believing it anymore 🙂

  10. Biko, I’m tickled that you observed Mark and the chic for a whole 3 minutes and came out with such a story. I do that all the time, I enjoy observing people and getting carried away in their world while I pretend to do something else like make a call. I enjoy this to a level which words may not express. *Evil* My friends even ask me “what do you think is going on with that dude?” And I can explain, because I REALLY observe. So I deeply enjoyed today’s post.

    “Between you and me, I find desperation shockingly entertaining. I think for anyone to get to a point where they toss away their pride and make an ass of themselves is beautiful material for dark comedy…” Loved it!!!

  11. Suffice to say that desperation is an ugly colour on any man. Sadly though, we’ve all found ourselves in that tragic moment where we toss aside our pride in the pursuit of the warm, cosy embrace of a woman’s company. But it’s OK; you win some, you lose some.

  12. “I wondered what he would have said to the author of the book The Secrets, which states that if you want something so bad the universe will conspire to give it to you. He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secrets to wrap matumbo. It was 10.30PM, the universe was asleep, and that was no secret.” – This has killed me with laughter really….hahahahahah no one has ever brought out the silliness of the book like this!!! Awesome!! Am so amused!! No really Biko…your blog has taken me through many a difficult times this year. Thank you for always managing to crack me up!!!

  13. “Or worse, what if Mark turns into an alley cat tomorrow?” – this line reminds of once when I was sipping a drink at “Octo” in Kisumu. The place used to be full of cats (been long since I was there) and I was about to kick one of those cats when one of the “Octo ladies of the night” stopped me and told me that that cat could be one of them, insinuating that some of them have turned into cats. So it is actually possible that Mark could turn into a cat…or that lady was one of the cats hence her refusal to drive of with Mark. Just a theory.

  14. Good piece brother,
    Couldn’t get Jean Wanjiku with the short hair look on the world wide web…then I thought maybe, just maybe she’s dicouvered those hair weaves that would shock a winning Mark after a scoring night only to discouver nobody will be shouting ” pull my hair!!” It was all a hoax.

  15. Is it just me or are those cats creepy. They seem to be everywhere! Too bad the only cat Mark cared about wasn’t paying him any attention.

  16. Funny how you write this post and I was stood up this weekend. I realized that moments like these are when I utters more words than I does in a whole week, My throat goes dry and my hands get weak with the adrenaline flashing through my joints. Well I don’t feel anything for him , shit happens and have to live with it.Every dog has its day; You just have to accept that you get some and lose some. Nice Post.

  17. ‘If you really want something, the whole universe will conspire for you to get it’. This quote is from Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Alchemist’, not The Secret. A wonderful read as always!

  18. Any man worth his salt, any man…nay any soldier who has called the alley his trenches; can totally identify with Mark!

    “Correcto Mundo!” Sounds like something Alex the Lion in Madagascar would say…Lol!

    As usual, you brought it home son!

  19. Is it just me, or are those cats creepy? They seem to be everywhere! Too bad the only cat Mark was interested in wasnt paying him any attention. And what’s up with this Jean wanjiku goose chase?

  20. hehehhehahaahhtiihii! now thats me cracking up! ‘The devil resides in the left ear’ thanks for the confirmation, i have always suspected it.

    you Biko is one hellova writer!! keep on doing this thang, dont you dare stop, and that am saying S.L.O.W.LY…….well to your left ear ofcourse.

    have a great week.

  21. “And he was getting desperate and women can smell desperation through your Azzaro Chrome..”hahahha almost felt like it was me (the Azzaro chrome part )
    nice piece

  22. judging from what u r sayin, am made to believe u wud have celebrated him if he had managed to take ha home,but oooooh,pole.

  23. i bet mark was praying, or trying to exercise some hidden power as he stared at her, trying hard to urn her into a mice so that the alley cat could devore her and he could obtain some sadistic vengeance. But desperation sucks beast to spend a cold night in bed with dignity and pride than sacrifice them for the quest of momentarily bodily satisfaction.

  24. He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secret to wrap matumbo.

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

  25. Awesome awesome awesome read!!! I couldnt help but notice a jean wanjiku with short red hair … and my colleague fits her description and name .. ha ha… i’m sooooooo sure its her .!!

    Highlights of the read .. ripping off the sectret and wrapping matumbo .. LOL! and the cats … If Ally cats could only speak …

  26. In the world of romance there are only two fools; a fool in love and a fool in lust. Your pal Mark is the latter. Mark probably is your typical Nairobi playboy or an arriviste member of the phony middle-class redoubt we so hear about of today’s Nairobi.

    For this lamentable group, a night spent wooing a damsel for a quick time on the sack is a fair game issue and matter of course. I don’t approve. And at some point you were routing for him! Routing for him so that he could go on later to his buddies about how well he does his shit with them clueless bimbos (which is what he’ll probably think the lass is)?

    Hey Biko, is it possible to do the moonlight serenade-by-the window a’la Romeo n’ Juliet in this time and day. Or is it that now we have advanced so much that we can do away with the pettifogging rigours of solid romance. Have the pleasures and allures of easy sex made all men kindred spirit in the ever-alive patriarchal presumptuousness that assigns the weaker sex the demeaning cloak of vassal-hood?!…….. OK.ok ok, I know I’m inflicting my puritanical Baptists sensibilities on y’all I’ll stop for now.

    Next time you meet your pal on the alley, tell him some girls just don’t do the makobosto-around-two-smirnoff ice funga thing. They gat dignity and they don’t all play for keeps.

    1. I will repeat for for benefit of the guys seated at the back; Mark is not my friend, he happened to have parked behind me! Second, chief, I had to read this comment thrice to get the gist, makes me feel unlearned. Third, do you read Wanjohi’s blog? He is the only one who uses the word, “Makobosto.” And forth, ok, there is no forth. Cheers Kidikibudi

      1. No I don’t read the JaKigogoine’s blog. One day saitan lied to me to go there and I stumbled on makobosto.

  27. Hmm,Poor Mark must have gone straight to Sabina Joy to release stress and curse the womenfolks. when a man has to go through all these, does he wake up the next morning, still hopeful? Thank God I was born a woman.

    1. SJ too far. He must have relieved his by-now blue nuts with the willy women of the night parading their bodily wares a few metres away – near Total.

    2. Exactly what I was thinking when I got to the part where he drove off in a huff….I would also trawl Hurlingham or go to F2….mtu hawezi lala tu hivyo akiwa kundalini rising missed call….as OP would say

    3. Exactly what I was thinking when I got to the part where he drove off in a huff….I would also trawl Hurlingham or go to F2….mtu hawezi lala tu hivyo akiwa kundalini rising missed call….as OP would say

  28. Nice one ! and i have to say that in his book ‘The Alchemist’, Paulo Coelho is the one who wrote about the universe consipiring to give you want:)Now reading ’11 minutes’- another one of his many books and i like it.Good week Biko!

  29. “I bet she felt like someone was running frozen fish-finger down her face because she kept pulling her face away whenever he run that finger down her face. Then he tried to kiss her neck…like that would make her knees turn into jelly. But she stood sturdy, like Goliath.” 😀

  30. Yes! Yes! Yes! For all the guyz trying to woo ladies with big borrowed cars. Been there too. The guy was desparate coz what if tomorrow comes and he’s only got the car today. Am still laughing!

  31. Thats a nice piece i thnk Biko nxt time u shld help a guy who seems to be too slow to get the draft when a lady is nt intrested

  32. when you described that hairdo Jean Wanjiku is the name that sprang to mind. I can bet it’s the same one. about the desperation I can bet every man has a story of the one who said NO

  33. I like this post because of 2 things. firstly, i have been there, hell everyone has been there (with the exception of the cats). secondly, im in aus and i havent been to such a bar in years. it has character i think… and so does everyone who has been in the same situation (Mark). good work Biko

  34. …hahah,one of the best post you have ever ‘penned’ biko,i must say.This is high level creativity and the prose is outstanding damn!for a moment i had begun wondering how patient you were because it begun sounding like you waited for ten or so minutes for Mark to close bissiness …you obseved this ‘sweat inducing’ activity for three minutes flat and you came up with this?hongera, makofi kwako*riaaap*…haha your vivid imaginations of what you would have said inorder to make her say ‘yes’ to Mark sounds interesting and probably could have worked.As a writer i know how irritating it is at times when people quote back your own phrases at you,but there are so many humerous instances that kept on getting me under the carpet(Roflmao). An awesome read.

  35. “….really glared at her in such a way that made the alley cats that were enjoying this free entertainment slowly step further back into the shadows with fear.” Hehehe! Great!
    But hey, I have been there myself and my story? I wouldn’t tell because it is sadder and crazier as it happened in my own bedroom.

  36. ”She leaned back adamantly and shook her head and called him by his name for the first, “Mark, I can’t. Not today.”
    And I wanted to walk over and ask her: why not, lady? Why not today? What if today was all Mark had? What if tomorrow Mark falls down a staircase and breaks his back and is unable to raise as much as that cold finger thereafter? What if tomorrow Mark wakes up and forgets who he is or who you are? What if tomorrow Marks wakes up and develops an erectile malfunction? What if tomorrow Mark wakes up and realizes he is gay after all? Or worse, what if Mark turns into an alley cat tomorrow? Eh? Then what lady? Then what?! Why don’t you work with Mark here, throw him a bone ………..*ROFLMAO* This has been playing on my head since jana too funny!

  37. 3 minutes! Biko that Mark man didn’t try hard enough. You are a word genius for turning the three minutes into an article so engrossing! Hats off to you Sir Jackson!

  38. Biko, allow to digress today on this piece.

    Last week, when you ‘outgrew your breeches’ on us and said your health counts bigger than a 2000-word piece, we went a-lookin’ elsewhere for succour.

    I went to our neighbours across the street, you know the large Mr. Micawber family who sells anti-media souvenirs and crap-bowsers for raining on the parade of media peeps who are not doing what the Micawbers wants done (and I’ve never known what exactly it is that they want done!).

    And then there was a piece on you that I thought was about to send the shit-bowser to water your UP and CONCIERGE parade. No, they didn’t do that. They sent a rehabilitated exhauster-turned-water-bowser instead, (at least that’s what I consider complimentary salvos that do not take the occasion to go easy on some side beef, coz the turn-boy aloft on the bowser threw two stones; that you are cuckold and that you sleep before 7.00pm which is rather okay coz we know better).

    However, some dear soul, (Amamacho, I think, God bless him) held the fort in your defense brilliantly when some snotty-nosed urchins tried pushing the hateration envelop further.

    Why do I write this? I am angry. Today they are on Smitta’s neck. Now, Smitta he done gotten himself in unnecessary scuffles before and he worship Mr. Nyet Vodka too much but you gotta let a man have his demons for when he knows better he’ll take away out peacefully like our old friend Mr. Hemingway or he’ll just get reminder from fate like Mr. Stephen King that he ain’t immortal coz of talent.

    And there’s some stuck-up who never knew what he did his MBA for and now he thinks your writing style is fair game for his zany reckoning of what he thinks is mature criticism. And he thinks your writing passes for a template for him.

    I just wanted you to put this up to remind anyone who chances on a writer’s work to be lenient on the writer. Writing is hard, so hard that many commit suicide for the demons that pushes them to put their thoughts in pen and paper. The least you can do is to either offer a suggestion/recommendation for improvement or just walk away.

    What’s with this hating? Doesn’t the negativity drain them?

    (Goes away humming Angela Chibalonza’s Ebenezer)

    NB: About the Micawbers, read Charles Dickens’s David Copperfield.

      1. In Kidikibudi’s defense, i actually understand what he is ranting about. he is talking about a blog called Media Madness. You would have to read it to get what he is talking about. :-). @ Kidikibudi I love the critique

    1. dude seriously, wtf are you usually saying.though it has hints of intelligence so i read just to prove that am not slow. though at the end i still say wtf does he mean and why does he say it like this

      1. Hi J, I am truly sorry if I didn’t get through to you, but you should take comfort in the fact that the Micawber’s heard me loud and clear.

        As for toning down on my diction, I guess that would the same as asking Philip Ochieng to replace ‘extirpate rapacity’ with ‘eliminate greed’ in a piece of his. Wouldn’t that be a-riot?! It’s just that we do our things they we do them and there’s no changing us, it would be pointless.

        One more thing, go easy on the cussin’. I am a christian!

      2. Thanks J, me thought i was having some blonde moments when i couldnt get a thing sir Kidikibudi was saying.

    2. Kididkibudi you know i root for you, i love your comments but WHAT? I take solace in the fact that i am not daft but then again WHAT?

      I live by certain mantras one is that you may have something to say,but how you say it matters; There’s content and then there’s delivery and the two carry almost the same weight.
      I studied communication and in the communication channel there’s an element called noise which is anything that obstructs the communication process(internal or external) and yours my friend is a classic case of semantic noise, i understood nothing in both your comments, work on that.

      1. Adhis,you know, somebody just asked if I have a blog and you do realize now the challenges I’ll have communicating in one. Blame it on my addiction to complex crosswords.
        Say, you want to figure out “Shakespearean character runs hot rings round hapless novices”.It is quite some fun to figure out this sublime wordplay that makes Othello both an halo as well as hell-hot ring and his other character traits to get the answer to your clue.

        Or, say something like ..Freudian Slip, the clue you’ll be given runs like…”kind of shrink underwear giving revealing glimpse”. You see my point. Sio ati naringa I haven’t quite been adept at working out the whole idea behind complex crosswords but I do get my relief from there when my Trial Balances are not balancing

        Problem is I had my head up in the air thinking that the language I spoke was the commoners’ language in this here esteemed blog. So, for Adhis and the rest who I pissed of it is a honest mea culpa from me. Nitajaribu kuzungumza lugha tunayoilewa sote.

        And I won’t dignify the rioting churlishness going on at the Micawbers with a response. They are waiting for my rejoinder like I was going to take the plunge into the nether. Tuko papa hapa na tutabanana papa hapa, bora tu iwe on principles. Na kwa hayo machache niruhusu I call it a week on the blogs.

        Cheers all.

  39. I do relate, I’ve had my moments especially after one too many and although the recaps are normally from fellow well quenched fellas, I still insist that they do exagerate.
    Anywho, nice piece, took me a couple of years back at a westlands joint too.

  40. You just got to love the alley cats..or is it that Biko makes them gangster cool?..Biko do you reckon they’ve seen much more in the alley?

  41. ha ha ha ah …..am guessing Mark did not go home listening to Kigeugeu on his radio!!!!

    Its sad really..but hey a man has to give it a shot..Nice one Biko,never dissapointed.

    And Ben…i miss your blog..hint hint

  42. Who would have thought 3 minutes would be that long! Poor Mark, we’ve all been there. Member: Prowler’s club.

  43. I.Have.Died at this—> ‘ He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secrets to wrap matumbo.’

  44. Apart from reading Biko’s amazing post, does anyone else come here to read the comments also?. #IknowIDo

  45. he he i am not the only one who did not know what kidikibudi was talking about! @ kidikibudi,do you have a blog?

    1. I don’t have a blog siree, I like writing ’em long. One day you meet with ‘Memoirs Of A Black Sheep’ on the book-stands then you’ll surely know you once talked to the mad-man who wrote it

  46. Biko just how does a Hyena carcass smell?

    ‘Then he tried to kiss her neck…like that would make her knees turn into jelly. But she stood sturdy, like Goliath’. This totally cracked me up. Call me a sadist but guys can not pick and choose when they want women to exhibit morals and when they want them to throw caution to the wind, let their hair down and love a little, oh wait, it’s help the men to lust a little or much. You can not go saying ladies-or in Biko’s language, birds- are too giving these days, they sleep with just about anyone and then still want that alley guy to succeed at making that woman yet another statistic, a testament even, of women with low or no morals. Power to that chick, she smelled desperation and lust a mile away and promised her panties not to indulge the two that night; I hope she does not any others night.

    “I wondered what he would have said to the author of the book The Secrets, which states that if you want something so bad the universe will conspire to give it to you. He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secrets to wrap matumbo. It was 10.30PM, the universe was asleep, and that was no secret.” Tihihihihi………

  47. …hehehehe Biko. loved that part where the “why not today?” speech begins. that was just brilliant n hilarious. you could have helped mark “score” if you had actually said it out loud you know. “”A REALLY DEVILISH LAUGH””” cough cough….

  48. loooooove it!though i hate cats…alley ones notwithstanding!am more of a dog person so somewhat sympathise wit the desparado dog artist formely known as mark!haha mark failed to hit the mark!pun intended!n that chica!what say we make her minister for internal security coz clearly she dont let nothing penetrate sorry meant infiltrate!……damn good read!

  49. A pal of mine was tagged in a note that is exactly like this one,got me curious,coz there was no credit given to where the work came from,so its like it was his ideas,you should read his comments too,guys are praising him……..wololololo someone is copying your work and getting credits for it, he has this same article with the title ”Lust Mixed with desperations”

      1. ok Biko i admitt i sometimes take bits of your writting and have them as MY status updates, I mean, its not my fault that you have awesome punch lines, e.g ” real women do not dance to the song bendover”…but this guy!!! he really stole it and changed Jean Wanjiku’s name to Florence wanjau or something like that!!!!!!!! surely!!! Jean to Florence??? woi!
        but honestly I just take line and quotes, not the whole blog, Promise next time to quote you

  50. A few weeks ago, I reversed into this alley at around 11pm with noble intentions of having one drink…in the club, not the alley.” (then somewhere huko chini as Biko continued to eavesdrop) “He would probably laugh bitterly and use the pages of The Secrets to wrap matumbo. It was 10.30PM, the universe was asleep, and that was no secret”…Maybe it should have been 11.03…….?

  51. Eish Boss, good work! Made my thursday, thats how daft internet can be when gnus step on the cable as they come into kenya.

  52. Ok read, but i think that Mark guy deserves it..just the way men nowadays think they can buy you one drink or a couple and you owe them a night…you can always tell how a night is going to end when it starts, i’m guessing this dude wasn’t taking hints from the word go, he deserves it.

  53. Desperation is very entertaining 😉
    Just got back from leave and the thought that I have at least 12 posts to savour through makes me happy.
    Beautiful beautiful writing!

  54. Oh God! The hateration that went down yesterday at that Madness site yesterday was of a shocking level. But anyway, Biko, you do realise they were bound to get to you some day. Right? It’s like everyone in the media has their day in that site. Anyhoo, don’t mind the losers, they are cowards who hide behind the fascination of large numbers and have nothing better to do than hate on pple who are doing well. Obama has his haters too. Cliche as it is…Jesus was a great man…(No, am not a person of faith, hehe) and he too had his haters. That’s what you get for being a great person, you always get the few who just can’t stand the fact that you’re a success. The amazing thing is…after they talk all that crap about those making it in the media industry, what do they gain at the end of the day??? Zilch! You guys still have ur jobs, still get paid, and still remain reknown. Do your thing and marvel in the good that God gave you. And heeey…i hope you were not insinuating The Secret was another fake “How to” book and documentary. There’s a way it works, you just don’t force it. :-))))

  55. You got it to the T.

    My personal experience for sure.

    were you lurking in the shadows?

    forgot to mention-she did turn up to my place the next day and i had the BOGOF offer…….;))

    damn!

  56. Another little gem. I loved this one because (and here forgive me if i’m wrong) The writer spins a smooth “tail” before our eyes in a dark alley thus ensuring plenty of entertaining reaction from avid readers. It’s like magic.
    .

  57. Biko…i am about to cry! (Do you want me to cry? hehe.) Where is yesterday’s Man Talk?? I can’t find it anywhere. #VeryFrustrated. 🙁

  58. its Monday the 11th day of July 2011, the time is 9:00AM . The weather is terribly cold. Biko is yet to post, 30 min is all i will give you, you don`t want to know how closely related I am to Tobiko…by the way..you are Biko..he is ToBiko….aiiihhhhh

  59. You definitely have a way bout ua writing Biko… Am luvng it! Am finally getting why you got such glowing reviews from my pals*! #justasking did it cross ua mind to make moves on the damsel? It wasn’t his night bt mayb it was uas hehe!

  60. Your description here was very vivid..I could picture everything so clearly: the alley, the cats, Mark and the gracious lady. Kudos to that girl. I’ve been there before… having a drink with a guy who thinks I’ll give him some that night only for me to say no because I don’t feel him even though I may have danced erotically with him. There are times for careless abandon and there are times to be careful about who you end up home with.

    Thanks Biko. I love your blogs. Keep ’em coming.

  61. Haha,what I loved was the cats enjoying a 3 minute-dark comedy and ending with ulcers!!
    GOSH the cats had ulcers.O these gory alleys with it’s sackful of hilarious puns.
    I loved.

  62. LOL…nailed it! haven’t laughed this much in a while.. You shoulda taken Mark’s contacts and shared with some of us,he sounds like an interesting dude. Maybe he had a ‘season 2’ elsewhere 🙂

  63. I haven’t laughed so loud in a while! Poor poor Mark. Well, as a woman, it feels damn good to know that you can do that to a man desperate to have you, the power you have over the boner(pun not intended)

  64. Biko, I discovered your blog recently, I got tired of waiting for your columns in the Saturday Nation, then I googled the name Biko Zulu, just to see what i’ll find on the net, i am now in high school (i will never miss school), i turn the pages of your blog and all i see is that you have been given the gift of the plume, you are a gifted writer, gifted.

  65. i think i know the Jean you talk about..i digress. the story-telling here is just awesome. i was glued to the screen as i assimilated this content. I should be reading this like every darn day. We have all been there. Love the analogy of the waterhole. Cause that’s where we have been led to be rejected 🙁 ha ha ha poor Mark. We feel for you

  66. Then unpredictably it ends in the alley, with cats as an audience-BEST LINE EVER!!..I havent laughed so hard in a while…great piece!Oh and i know Jean:)

  67. Biko, i think i must be reading this years after it was posted, but it must be the creme of your work, this was totally totally off the roof, totally cracked me up!
    If that guy didnt pitia Koinange to quench his mahanjam and settle all those “what if scenarios”…
    Great writing!

  68. hahahahah If I could meet your brain, I’d hi five it for its brilliance! You write with such vivid humor. Love it!

  69. I stumbled on this today, August 2016! Shoosh, have read almost everything on your blog…do you mind having the gems in alphabetical order and we can try and read all as we tick them off!Si wewe ni chocllate man!g t

    1. Salim,i thought i am glad you have discovered this blog just like me this late.i don’t regret though.i am now hooked.

  70. I didn’t know that the devil lives in my left year. Now I understand why I hear things.worried though. Will get an ear drop for the evil in my left ear.

  71. Point of correction ”if you want something so bad the universe will conspire to give it to you;; This is actually found in Paulo Coehlo’s The Alchemist