Dear Nairobi

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Dear Nairobi.

I hope this missive finds you well.

I’m writing from the land of the white man, a place called Barcelona, Spain. It’s got churches and cathedrals, monuments and statues, museums and a beach. But no beach can hold a candle to your beach. I love your beach. Your beach is soft and big – and you know how that floats my boat. OK, it’s not yours exactly, it’s Mombasa’s beach but we all know what’s Mombasa’s is yours too, right?

Can I tell you about the dogs of Barcelona?  They are everywhere because it’s summer. Dogs standing at pedestrian crossings, dogs walking in clothing stores staring suspiciously at the 50% discounts, dogs under tables in restaurants, dogs in the metros, dogs looking out of small European car windows, dogs with casts on their hind legs, dogs with muzzles, dogs with attitude, massive white dogs that look like wolves, dogs that have never seen a black man and stare at me for too long – racist dogs. Some are so small, the size of a well grown maize cob in Kitale. Dogs in clothes. Of course they don’t call them dogs here, they call them canine companions because I guess the dogs take offence when they are called dogs. Fable is  that they met in a square on day and said they had to make humans stop calling them dogs because it was derogatory and demeaning to their persons.  A million paws were put on a petition and they presented it to the authorities and man was hence barred from calling them dogs again.

This place is wonderful but it’s also kedo strange. The other day I paid one euro to pee. One euro! It was at this small square called Catalonia Square. I was pressed sana and had  held it in for many blocks. See, there were no bushes to step into to pee. At a street corner, I asked some mustachioed guy where I could find a loo. He didn’t speak a word of English and I didn’t know how to say toilet in Spanish, so I grabbed my crotch and made a sound like “chrrrrr” and thankfully he was a sharp guy who didn’t have a dirty mind, he pointed at some building next to the Cathedral and I went in and I said to the lady at the counter, “Speak English, si? Me want to piss, like this…see..” and the lady said in calm British English, “Of course, I speak English. That is only a euro.” I could have taken offense by her usage of the word “that.” It could have meant anything. So anyway, I paid 118 bob to a take a one minute piss. Happy days. It’s easily the most expensive piss I will take in my life.

Then yesterday we took  a train to Sitges, a small town an hour Southwest of Barcelona. There we sat at a beach bar  and ate sardines and drunk whisky and watched topless women sunbathe and play volleyball. There I realized one thing; that although volleyball is not any more interesting than darts, but if topless women play it you can watch it  for the whole day. If topless women played ajua – you know ajua,right? – I’m sure it can be a real popular sport.

Talking of whisky. These guys don’t know what a double is, they just pour. They don’t measure whisky, which means currently I’m in bed, hungover after a long night at a live jazz jam-session at an underground bar called The Jamboree in Placa Reial which was full of arty types with trendy owlish spectacles and long hippy hair.

Anyway, listen, Nai. I’m in dire straights here….relax, I don’t want you to send me money. Mpesa doesn’t work here anyway. But I want to say that I’m not doing any writing while here because of the sun and all these white chicks in small clothes and their dogs with brown eyes and thus I can’t have any story running here today. Also this is because it’s summer here and I’m lazy and I drink daily because the sun sets at bloody 9:35pm and I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives. We should revolt a little to the IDEA of such slavery.

Stop rolling your eyes.

By the way, in other unrelated matters.  Macharia of Pinklakeman lodge if you are reading this,  I had an odd dream and you and your dogs were in it. That you had left me to stay in your log-house in Elementaita and I somehow wrecked it up – made a big hole on the wooden floor – and when you came back you were so mad you didn’t even talk to me. You sulked a good one. I said, “Macha, don’t be like that, stop sulking over a floor,” and you didn’t even bother saying shit, you just walked away and your pack of dogs took your side and followed you. All of them.

Strange dream.  I think seeing all these dogs here had something to do with it.

Otherwise? What’s happening back there? Has our winter started?

I have to go look for breakfast. Si we talk when I’m back? Until then you can check out my Instagram if you have an idle moment. Just the usual silly things.

Haya, baadaye.

Oriti.

Yours,

Chocolate Man.

Ps. If I posted this letter through post, you would receive it just before Valentine’s Day 2018.

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123 Comments
    1. You never Disappoint Biko,yes Nairobi is very coooold and yes the winter has started so enjoy the sun while it lasts

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  1. The posts these days are so sensitive that even first commenters have grown wary

    Anyway, I hope am first, insensitivity aside.

    Also, you guys take a look at my blog

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  2. Hehehehe!!! I want what you are drinking. Make sure you carry it with you on your way back. Otherwise the guards at JKIA will make your life a misery the Matiangi style. Ok bye!

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  3. Lol. Am used to your posts coming up at 10:00 am, I had come here 107 times since then. Guess it had to do with your post on Instagram probably on Sunday. But heeey, this is just fine.

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  4. I really want to visit Spain one day. Somehow my bank account sneers at the idea but a man has to hope. I think Spain is one of the most intriguing places for me for silly reasons. The food, the cycling thing, the Spanish guitar – big reason – and the food again. I also think I want to see the Spaniards play topless volleyball. Us in Nairobi Biko are doing fine, its coldish and those guys vying for governorship of the city have become really good at throwing shades. One was told we need leadership not beauty. Imagine that for a second. Anyway I think this is enough of a story by itself. Good read.

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    1. Hahaha. I always look forward to your comments, after my read. Like ‘lemmie see what Pete has to say’ . Yes in my head you have a nickname. And a full body of course. And good eloquence. And you get offended everytime I say am instead of I’m. It is very interesting really. You like to watch intriguing and thrilling movies. Like you prefer The Good Wife to Supernatural. Again, only in my head. Anyway, good read. ☺

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      1. Pete, ahem… be the gentleman that I always imagine you to be.. coffee and good conversation for the lady…

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      2. @Wesh, If you ever actualise that dream of going to Spain, dont leave Bumblebee behind. And about the topless volleyball, you two can make a good team.

        @Bumblebee, I always look forward to reading your comment as well. Are you a blogger? You come across as someone very interesting to be around, but I see Pete beats me in the preferential food chain.

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      3. Hahaha! Wesh Pressure!!!!!! When is this wedding already? Biko, just think how that would make an amazing article because you were too lazy and distraught by topless volley-ballers to write… 😀
        I should sleep already.. Great read as usual

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  5. “A million paws were put on a petition ..”

    That cracked me up. You are one insanely creative fellow.

    enjoy the land of the white man!

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  6. Hahaha heart breaker. Thought we were in a relationship with a weekly 10am Tues date? Siungesema jana you won’t make it?

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  7. A few things here. Your most expensive piss is about 1.6397 times my most expensive shave yet I have always had a long face over it. I guess I should have moved on already, 70bob shouldn’t be a big deal to a man, right?
    Secondly, I agree. Boring things can be interesting when done by the right people or basically ladies, especially of they have some attire (we all know what I mean here lack of attire). I used to hate fries especially when traveling. They nauseated me till I met this lady I call girlfriend. She made all that look like the most logical thing to eat when traveling. Won’t however give y’all the pleasure of talking anything topless about her

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      1. Ehe, what do you think? We are not in Spain. We were conservative Africans in Nyeri and eating the fries with a single extended wink as an act of charity was enough sensuality and public display of affection to change what I thought about fries. And my irritant bowels obliged to the queens call…

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    1. You should share a pic of the topless volley ball players on your IG handle asap bro, nice piece though

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      1. I almost want to ask if you read past that part

        Ps Biko, why can’t I post emoji’s??? I meed my emotions seen and expressed almost close to human faces…

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  8. Biko you haven’t asked,but take me!take
    me for crying out loud!why?because I need action in my life right now.And Nairobi is acting up.she’s being moody and grey and so cold,I need to be away from her.far far away.so take me!!!!!

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  9. Is Spain to Barcelona what Thailand is to Bangkok or a capital city just like we have in Nairobi Kenya?

    Just asking for my friend Mike Gideon Sonko

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    1. Madrid is the capital of Spain.
      Barcelona is the capital of Catalonia..(an autonomous community)..it’s complicated but I guess it’s pretty much how Hargesia is the capital of Somaliland which is a part of Somalia.

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  10. Chocolate man, now you are showing off…nkt. Or am just jealous seeing as Nairobi is 18 degrees today 🙁 🙁

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    1. Mukash, also you are not watching any topless women playing volleyball..hihi..so yeah..you’ve gone dark green #Staresback

  11. My guy, how about you photo bomb as many photo-shoots as possible while drunk? Kenyans are good in nyemelearing. Dandia them kabisa. You got nothing to lose. Even though you may never see those photos ever in your life, it’s comical to know that your forehead is part of somebody’s cherished memories, whether they like it or not. Otherwise enjoy.

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  12. haha…Mpesa doesn’t work there, but Western Union, Money gram and World Remit do.. Missing my Nairobi.
    “if topless women play it you can watch it for the whole day” ha!

    Three things:
    Leave the currency conversions to forex bureaus, otherwise you’ll faint if you keep doing mental calculations.
    Dogs everywhere is loads of fun: happy, cute (some not so cute), tail wagging, panting furry friends..yippie!..until some owners don’t clean after them and you end up with a foot in that smelly goo; watch your step.
    The daylight saving time can mess your itinerary; it helps to have very dark curtains..and remembering to glance at your watch for correct times.

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  13. I do work with Spaniards and just from hearing them referring to Kenya and Kenyans in general, i feel like i never want to visit Spain ever…. but maybe it’s the ones in here that are that way lol….

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  14. Never dissapoints, cant believe l stopped cleaning just to read a post on dogs n you piing next to a cathedral anyway you, Biko, kept me glued to my phone, as always! Keep instagram as funny as usual okay?
    Haiya
    Wanere kinyi
    Oriti

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  15. Dear Biko….

    “I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives. We should revolt a little to the IDEA of such slavery’

    ….am so rolling my eyes… do come back home,your weekly blog allows for escape albeit short,from politics.

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  16. My friend Mwende (big fan of yours) is so pissed this is all you had to say…she wants more. She spent half the morning refreshing your page waiting for a new article.

    1. But I want to say that I’m not doing any writing while here because of the sun and all these white chicks in small clothes and their dogs with brown eyes and thus I can’t have any story running here today. Also this is because it’s summer here and I’m lazy and I drink daily because the sun sets at bloody 9:35pm and I feel like you should understand and be happy for me because life isn’t about blog posts and most importantly we shouldn’t let deadlines be the bane of our lives

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    1. Racist dogs…he he. Ati you paid what to pee? Too bad you couldn’t pee on someone’s fence and get away with it there. We are in winter though its probably just under 20 degrees here, I wonder how we’d survive if it was under 0 degrees. Take your break Biko, we all need one.

  17. Been waiting for today’s tales of 40’s people and just after my cup of tea had warmed up for the trilling read, I realize that today is not that day. I missed the stroy, Indeed, it’s not always about blogs….

    Have fun.

  18. I hope this missive finds you well 🙂 gone are the days we jotted this down with a pointed pen to make the writing perfect. Having nostalgia

    Enjoy Biko, wish you could sambaza the whisky baridi in Nai yawa

  19. Yes winter has finally arrived and we’re loving every single bit of it.
    Although I’m not quite sure how well it’ll go for the Westerosi folk……

  20. See Biko. This ”I paid 118 bob to a take a one minute piss. It’s easily the most expensive piss I will take in my life” is you not being street smart. When you realize you have paid that much and are you in the locker, you can as well take a dump. Then perhaps it may seem value for money.

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  21. Hey Biko, had this boring Tuesday in Nyeri and I almost forgot reading your blog because I had forgotten it was Tuesday. You could have seen how I brightened up when I remembered. Anyway Thank you for brightening up my Tuesday once again. Gracia’s!!

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  22. Biko, I will forgive you for this half loaf. (As if I have a choice)

    But i cannot forgive you for your blatant discrimination! Do you not realize you have readers in Nanyuki, Eldoret, Chicago and more importantly Kinangop????

    What’s with writing an aplogy to Nairobian? Do not the readers in Kînangofu deserve an explanation?

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  23. Not had, very brief but a good read non the less……..like a quickie that results into a mind blowing orgasm 🙂

  24. I think I need my bundles back. It hit me it was Tuesday while I was busy at the farm. Then I forgot again, then just remembered I haven’t read you up today.
    Anti-climax… sigh… comeback darker for us… (I would say a tan but… melanin manenos..)

  25. Ungelazimisha pupu! How on earth do you pay a cool 118 to pee! Do you know that what you paid to pee could buy government-subsidized unga na mboga na uto.

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  26. Biko, you are cheating on us with Spain. You can watch topless girls the whole day and cant sit and write? Why now? Anyway, yaliyo ndwele sipite

  27. Bikozulu, Winter is here with us!
    It did snow, in Nyahururu am sure you have seen your brothers making snow man, yes?
    Not yet, wait for it
    Also Nrb does miss the Son! Enjoy your stay

  28. Yeah winter is here with us especially in Laikipia West…. its even snowing. If i were u, i would just remain there

  29. The story about dogs makes me know why they made that movie called “Baby Boss”, people loving dogs more than babies. Point of correction about the nickname for Macharia is actually “Masha” just as pronounced in Kikuyu.

  30. Hahaa I can’t take the face value of this ” I love your beach. Your beach is soft and big – and you know how that floats my boat”. I saw what you did but I will it slide because I am tired

  31. speaking of dogs, I have this white Japanese Spitz.. it might be racist too,the way he looks down on me, (mind you I’m taller) I suppose that doesn’t really matter. Haha

  32. Today I came for the comments. And the comments didn’t disappoint. Now I hope we shall hear fro. BumblePete. you gotta write about them.

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