Sign up with your email address to be the first to know about new products, VIP offers, blog features & more.

Kim Meets Sam

Sam, my barber for dogs years, wears his trousers just above his navel. He’s always worn them that way. That’s who he is, that’s his equilibrium. His world feels safer that way. He’s very neat, always wearing official pants and official shirts and spit-polished shoes, like he’s going to a horse race. He’s also about the only person I know who still rocks an afro. Him and some chap who works at Nairobi Serena. You must have seen him, regal-looking guy, ramrod straight with 1965 perched on his head. Two weeks ago, as I had lunch with one of my editors at Madhari restaurant (read, trying to kiss ass for more money) and this chap and his afro passed just about a meter from my bhuna gosht (that’s tender pieces of mutton cooked in brown onion and indian spices…it’s culinary gospel!) and for a moment I came close to flagging him down and asking him why he has kept the style alive; what it means to have an afro, how much it weighs in winter, what kind of dreams one has at night with that much hair on their head and most importantly, what he feeds it. But I was with a lady.

I always say if you want to know how pre-independence looked like all you have to do is look at the head of someone with an afro.

Sam and this chap should have a drink, I think they can seriously hit it off, or hate each other at first sight….it would be interesting to watch nonetheless.

Him: How do you keep yours straight and solid like that?

Sam: I wash it and then apply Hair Glo.

Him: I stopped using Hair Glo, people would always ask me “is that curly-kit?”

Sam: Haha. That’s because you applied it before it dried.

Him: So, what, I have to stand in the sun after showering?

Sam: No, just towel it thoroughly until it dries.

Him:Yeah. (Pause). Kids are always trying to touch mine.

Sam: Kids are foolish.

I like Sam because Sam doesn’t run his mouth. I dislike barbers who want to talk the life out of you…you know, the ones who prattle on about politics or, worse, football. My former barber, a degenerate drunk with bloodshot eyes, used to ask me about football all the bloody time and I kept telling him, Boss, I don’t watch football! The following Saturday he would be saying, Lakini Man-U leo tutawalima, sindio? It would drive me mad. Sam is different; he says hello, I sit down, he covers my shoulders with that leso, run his machine on my head and when he reaches my beard he says, “Tuta punguza hii leo,” (note: a statement not a question) and I will let him have his way with my beard.

On very rare occasions, Sam and I will engage in long banter. I love that. I’m SDA, Saturday mornings should be peaceful, not filled with talk about Man-U.

Now because of the infrequent heart-to-hearts, Sam has never known that I have another kid. He only knows Tamms because once a month I take her there to do her pedicure and manicure. My sister always says that I’m spoiling the kid. I think not. We have to expose our daughters to these things early, raise the bar for those punks who will try to use them to get into their pants. The hardest women to lay are the ones with extremely high self esteem or extremely low self esteem. Hehe. That’s just my theory, I could defend it but I just don’t have the time or the word count.

But what I believe is that when you expose the girl-child to “shiny things” she won’t be easily bowled over when a chap tries to throw them in as leverage. So I say we cock-block those bastards, take the girl-child for fine dining now, buy her an occasional bouquet of flowers, tell her you love her, tell her she is beautiful, raise her self esteem so high when that randy weasel shows up with a tattoo of a frog (at least that’s how it looks like) on his arm promising dinner and spa and telling her that she is such a flower, she will remain beautifully nonplussed. He will just have to bring more to the table, which means on top of the shiny things he will have to have a personality, so if you are currently raising a son who spends his days watching Tellytubbies he will have a much harder time getting girl’s attention. Oh yes. It’s on.

Anyway.

So si two months ago I took Kim for his first shave which is a huge deal because it’s like a small initiation! Lovely Saturday morning, a bit nippy, so he had on his beloved and only green puffy jacket and these beige shorts (he has terrific legs, that boy…which he of course gets from me) and these really fancy Adidas shoes that I bought him in Berlin. He was looking dapper and he knew it because he kept looking at his shoes while walking. Don’t you just love when kids do shit like that? Like when they sit and keep touching their new shoes as if they can’t believe they have became those guys who wear dope adidas shoes even before they can say masala? How when you get back home they refuse to remove the shoes so they go to bed and sleep in them? Haha. That level of innocence kills me. Come to think of it, I know adults like that too…chaps who sleep in their shoes, but they do it for different reasons, obviously.

Anyway, we get to the barber shop and the girls in the salon are like [cue in shrieky girly voices] Aww, you have a son? Why didn’t you tell us? How old is he? Oh my God he’s soooooo cute! Come here, what’s your name baby? What’s your name? (Uhm, he doesn’t talk…yet!) And they touch his cheeks and make faces at him and they say My God, he looks exactly like you! And I stand there not knowing what to do with my hands or my blushing cheeks nor that feeling in my chest (I hear it’s called pride) but I’m pretending that it’s no big deal but it is a freaking big deal because everybody wants someone to say their kid is cute otherwise what’s the point of having kids if salonists can’t say he is the cutest kid they have seen (that day)? So it’s a fuss-fest and I look at Tamms standing next to me and she is sort of sulking because the brother has taken all the attention from her and I bet she is thinking that perhaps she was adopted, so I rub her back reassuringly and smile at her and she looks up and grimaces and looks away. Kim loves light chicks because he agrees for some light pedicurist to carry him away, in fact he drapes his hands around her shoulders like he has just found a new mother.

Anyway, I shave first and when Kim is brought back and I sit him on my lap and Sam readies him up and everything’s going great until he says, Ni kijana ama ni dame? (is he a boy or girl) And I’m like, Nani? And he says, Huyu m-juniour wako And I’m like what??! I stare at him hard through the mirror and tell him he’s a goddamn BOY! A boy! Jesus!

Don’t you just hate that? When someone mistakes your son for a girl? I mean, fine he has great legs and a forehead (to be fair there are also chicks with great legs and large foreheads) but Kim’s face is obviously male! Common, just look at his jutting manly chin!! And didn’t he hear the girls squeal that he is a cute BOY? I shot him bad looks and I think he realised that he had offended me and Kim, so he made what was supposed to be a light hearted comment that when you meet a man who looks really nice (he called it “msupuu”, chali msupuu..nkt) men want to befriend them because they know their sister must be a real smasher. I think if you are a man who describes another man as “msupuu” maybe you don’t need to meet his sister, just saying. Suffice it to say, I didn’t laugh…neither did the afro on his head.

You know when you have a son, you want him to be all male. You want him to grow up brave and strong and protective of his sister and his mom. You want a son who plays football (other sports are acceptable too…but I draw the line at handball or volleyball) and breaks and falls off things and tries to eat your ear with gusto. You want a boy who opens the door when there is a knock, because at some point men shouldn’t open doors, their sons should.

When you see your son climbing things or trying to pee on the TV remote or when he follows you into the bathroom and when you pee suddenly he pokes his head around your legs and looks at your member curiously, I mean that is a brilliant moment to be a guy with a son. You want to be called to (high) school because him, together with some boys, were caught kissing a girl (not the same girl hopefully) during a school trip. You will pretend to be very disappointed in him and you will scold lightly about his priorities in life but deep inside you will be saying, Atta boy.

There is a reason someone said “boys will be boys” and not “boys will be boys who kinda look like girls.” You want the kind of son who when you are 60, he can stand next to you and you introduce him like, “This is Kim, my son,” and he has a firm handshake and a strong chin and bony knees.

Still on this exciting topic of boys, there is also a chance that our sons might opt to be gay. Yup. If you don’t think this is a reality then your head is buried very deeply in the sand. It’s a very real possibility especially for the guys with really beautiful sons. (Hehe). Have you seen pictures of those light boys on Facebook who look EXACTLY like the moms and in turn look exactly like girls? It’s scary. I’m not saying they have a chance to be gay, but I just imagine having a son like that, a son who both men and women all describe as beautiful, is like.

Can I say something without being judged? I mean, here we don’t judge each other, yes? So the last time I was in Turkey I saw this chap in the mall who looked EXACTLY like a chic! I hate to say this and I will probably regret it but if I was to give that guy an adjective I would have used the word “beautiful” to describe him. (Shrug). I swear, you should have seen that guy! If you looked at that guy you would understand how shocking that was for me! It took me by complete surprise! I swear, as we passed each other I looked at him once and I quickly looked away in bewilderment and horror. After he had passed I wanted to turn and look at him again to confirm if he was not a chick but I was afraid to turn because what if he turned at the same time and our eyes met (violins) won’t that make me gay at that exact moment? I mean, won’t that go down in the books as the time when Bikozulu was gay for exactly 3 seconds in Turkey? I think that every straight guy is allowed about 30 seconds of “gay moment” in his entire life, of course spread across many years but you can take them all in one go if you want. Beyond 30 seconds you need cross over. So far I have done only 6 seconds. Now be honest with yourselves guys and say how many seconds you have done. We don’t judge folk here.

I remember walking out of that mall and in the waiting van chanting over and over in my mind, “you like chicks…you like chicks, chicks are good, chicks are very good, you like chicks…”

Where was I?

Ja. Beautiful sons.

We should all be prepared just incase our sons decide to pursue that side of their sexuality, and I’m not saying this because Obama is coming, it’s a reality. In about 20-years from now our sons will just be discovering who they are sexually and things will have changed a great deal then and we will have to make a choice on where we stand with our own blood.

Picture this, you are 55-years old, you have worked hard your entire life and you’re kicking back enjoying your sunset years and your boy who is 20-years old, a great kid who has done well in school and has been a stellar son pulls a chair and says Dad do you have a minute? So you put down your book and retrieve your spectacles from the tip of your nose and you say, Sure, son, what’s up? He will shift uncomfortably in his seat then clear his throat many times before saying that he’s gay – and has been for many years. You will suddenly remember Sam’s voice saying, Ni dame ama ni kijana? Hehe. Prophet Sam! The first thing you will probably ask is, Does your mother know? He will say Yes. (Mothers know everything). But because you have survived many tragedies in your life (like Masaku 7s) you will carefully look at him and nod slowly and then ask the one question you are allowed to ask at this point, Are you the chick or the guy?

No, seriously.

We want a lot of things for our sons but we want to look at them through this subjective prism of who we are rather than who they are, which is ironic because we take them to good schools that help them gain confidence to tackle life on their own terms and be whoever they choose to be. We are all headed to this fork of the road. So those of us with sons, sons who are sometimes mistaken for girls (note…this has happened only ONCE with mine) let’s all get ready for some hard conversations and choices.

But later, when I thought about Sam’s comment, I realised it could have been worse. I think it’s worse when someone mistakes your daughter for a boy. I think that’s something you don’t recover from. You know sometimes you meet chicks who behave like men, chicks who want to be the men in the relationship and you often sit and wonder what kind of socialisation they had; if they were loved enough or if their fathers were absent. But when you sit still in a room, mulling over this, you realise that their behaviors could be something so simple from their childhood, something as simple as them hearing someone tell their father, “Your son has really grown up fast” and their father saying with a hard tone in his voice “Cindy is girl, Pastor Mogaka!!”

To all the beautiful men (and women who look like men) out there, greetings!

174 Responses
  • Wambui
    14.07.2015

    O lawd! I have laughed buckets of tears! I have two sons and everything you’ve said has happened or crossed my mind! Aki LOL!

    • Bellah Wanga
      14.07.2015

      same here my son looks like me from the smile to the chics name it…i always have to say ni mvulana…lol good informative piece i thought it was only my boy..

  • Ythera
    14.07.2015

    Mine looked like a girl but now he’s nearly 7 and looks like a boy now. Plus Biko, it’s not an anathema to appreciate that a man looks beautiful. It’s not gay either.

    • Soldier of the species
      17.07.2015

      Oh! it is more than an anathema. Let’s stick to handsome.

      1
  • Wizard
    14.07.2015

    A thought-provoking piece. Everyone parent should read it.

  • Denniece Black
    14.07.2015

    Biko,
    Whenever I receive your latest post in my inbox, every other thing takes a back seat. So did this well-written piece. You are spot on when you say,
    “But what I believe is that when you expose the girl-child to “shiny things” she won’t be easily bowled over when a chap tries to throw them in as leverage. So I say we cock-block those bastards, take the girl-child for fine dining now, buy her an occasional bouquet of flowers, tell her you love her, tell her she is beautiful, raise her self esteem so high when that randy weasel shows up with a tattoo of a frog (at least that’s how it looks like) on his arm promising dinner and spa and telling her that she is such a flower, she will remain beautifully nonplussed. He will just have to bring more to the table, which means on top of the shiny things he will have to have a personality, so if you are currently raising a son who spends his days watching Tellytubbies he will have a much harder time getting girl’s attention. Oh yes. It’s on.”

    Awesome read my good sir and my ink never run dry…

    • judy
      16.07.2015

      A good one.

  • Garlow
    14.07.2015

    Hahaha!! Love the digressions… The digressions are gold

    • Nzilani
      21.07.2015

      I know. Where was I? Ja…

  • Ruby
    14.07.2015

    I can relate to the feeling I get when people ask if my son is a boy or girl? I want to scream and sneer as the quabberian I always will be but I calm myself down and say he is a BOY, that part always sounds louder that I meant it to be. As regards one day finding out that my son could be gay, its scary I will not deny but I do need to begin to realize that he will remain my son nonetheless and to get my act and his dad’s together just in case…..

    A great read! I always enjoy reading your blog posts and columns too…

  • Naomi John
    14.07.2015

    biko, yaani you just had to mention that you bought the Adidas shoes in Berlin, yawa! By the way, that’s a good point you made there; parents have to be prepared for any choices their children make in future regarding their sexuality.

    • Kelsey
      14.07.2015

      And saw a female-looking fella in Turkey! Oh Biko! I see ya!

    • Dee
      15.07.2015

      Turkey and Berlin!! i thought i was the only one sensitive to this jango app

  • Nellyan
    14.07.2015

    As hilarious as ever Biko…

  • Kim
    14.07.2015

    Hahaha. This is arguably one of your most humorous posts EVER!.

    ‘I remember walking out of that mall and in the waiting van chanting over and over in my mind, “you like chicks…you like chicks, chicks are good, chicks are very good, you like chicks…” I have died.

    • Christine
      14.07.2015

      Me tooo!! Ati i love chicks! Chicks are good!!LMAOL!!

  • Wangui Muriu
    14.07.2015

    I must really say I saw that turning around moment coming, why didn’t you? AMAZING piece!!

  • Anne
    14.07.2015

    Just yesterday i was reading “Babies in Ladies”an article u did back in 2011. Glad you now have a son. I hate how some folks ask if my princess is a boy. She has earrings for Christ’s sake. She’ll turn 6 months next week. Write more on fatherhood, truly amazing.

  • Tech Man
    14.07.2015

    Biko,
    Talking of which people keep mistaking my daughter for a boy.i will punch someone soon.Anyhow this article is dope.

  • Kimani
    14.07.2015

    When I was young, strangers used to think am a girl… and I turned out straight.. he he..

  • Nafula
    14.07.2015

    I like your fatherhood posts the most. plus they got nothing on luhyas …. hehe

  • @anthony_antoh
    14.07.2015

    ‘nippy’ long since I heared that word

  • Vero
    14.07.2015

    good stuff

  • Renee
    14.07.2015

    “So I say we cock-block those bastards…” – Here’s to cock-blocking those bastards! http://www.renee.co.ke

    • Soldier of the species
      17.07.2015

      Your blog has awesome reads. Keep it up.

  • Bobby
    14.07.2015

    “…to pee on the TV remote or when he follows you into the bathroom and when you pee suddenly he pokes his head around your legs and looks at your member curiously, I mean that is a brilliant moment to be a guy with a son.”
    Man you are humorously talented. Making me look like a retard boss.

  • Tony
    14.07.2015

    I loved this article. I have a daughter, tougher than all the lads her age in the mtaa. I’m Still looking for ways to soften her…. Biko my 30
    seconds is all intact, am using none…

  • tom osanjo
    14.07.2015

    Cindy is a girl, Pastor Mogaka! Nyasaye gaki!!!

  • Ben10
    14.07.2015

    Jackson, 6 seconds? How honest is an honest moment these days?

  • Wilfrida
    14.07.2015

    Good one…
    You had me at “The hardest women to lay are the ones with extremely high self esteem or extremely low self esteem.”

  • okinda
    14.07.2015

    You want a boy who will open the door when THEIR is a knock…

    nooo Biko…not a man with such literary genius as you..tsk tsk

    Good read, though

    • Ann Gardener
      14.07.2015

      Lol..we’ll forgive him this time since he made us laugh.

    • Charles Kagana
      16.07.2015

      I will never understand why some keep commenting on the typos. We do not need insufferable whiners in the Gang. The Leader is always right!

      1
      • Terence
        16.07.2015

        Hehehehe, I wonder why some people comment about other people’s comments? Leader. Is this a cult?

    • george
      19.07.2015

      there is a knock is very correct. their means belonging

  • Aterah Oyaro
    14.07.2015

    Hahahahahahahaah!
    ‘I think it’s worse when someone mistakes your daughter for a boy. I think that’s something you don’t recover from. ‘
    Reminds me how my mum started buying me little dresses; she overheard some other woman in a wedding call me a boy because of how I was dressed. She still buys me those tiny dresses. Only DRESSES.

    • Wanjiru
      16.07.2015

      Oh my God, my mum too. I think she still panicks when I’m in a trouser and not a dress. To make it worse, I grew up with my 2 brothers so I was kinda hard compared to other kids my age

  • GILBERT MWANGI
    14.07.2015

    For once I have never thought how I would take the news that my son is gay!This story unfolds in a beautiful unexpexted [email protected] Boy!

  • Risper
    14.07.2015

    Hmmmmmmmmmmm! I have always thought about this subject and the choices my children will one day make……………..I shudder. Great piece Biko, you write the un-sayable (I know), un-thinkable.

  • jemmy
    14.07.2015

    Every time I read this blog I swear to myself that I will die of laughter. So here we go, my first ever comment, Biko someday you will kill me…but its all good because I will die laughing. Good work. I remember being at a hospital when my son was a week old, this male nurse comes in, touches his hair and says she is beautiful, I blurted out ” he is a boy damn it”… The poor nurse was in shock

    • bikozulu
      14.07.2015

      Welcome aboard, Jemmy. 🙂

    • Mihas
      16.07.2015

      haha your comment made me picture your face at that moment. so funny. My son looked like a girl when he was younger. It ofended the mister every time we went for clinic and the nurses say “kaschana kanaendelea aje?” haha and id smile cz i know he looks like me 🙂

  • Grace
    14.07.2015

    Aki Biko you have made me laugh….I have a son whose a toddler I get so
    happy when he climbs everywhere…he is a boy!

  • Nawiri
    14.07.2015

    At the risk of lynching, if I didn’t know better, I would have guessed money has been poured, Biko. Agendas, agendas … Get my drift?

    • Mugabe
      14.07.2015

      You stole my observation.

  • Mary
    14.07.2015

    So many times I have thought about the future choices of my daughter and it scares me yet we have to be fully prepared for this is unpredictable.

  • Jeff
    14.07.2015

    hehehe…good piece, chicks are indeed good. my 30 seconds were squandered by a gay fool in Sarit sometimes back hehehe no more gay seconds for me i guess

  • Modern Mon
    14.07.2015

    This is something to think about. It is interesting how you manage to discuss such a heavy topic so effortlessly.

    On a different note, a lady once showed me a photo of their kid on the phone and I said, ‘He’s so cute.’ The kid was a girl.

    Woi! The horror!

  • Rita
    14.07.2015

    “Cindy is girl, Pastor
    Mogaka!!” that part totally killed me!! :-p

  • Maywa
    14.07.2015

    Loving it…you said it as it is Biko

  • faith kamau
    14.07.2015

    Most hilarious post yet….. I don’t have kids but when I do..I’ll try look at them as you do yours

  • Edna
    14.07.2015

    Spot on Biko, reality check. What with role models like Miley, from a very cute and adorable Hanna to a wild and bisexual Miley. Anything is possible. No surprises and no pressure. If it is your kid, you may wanna add no judging parenting skills 🙂

  • Nkatha Dee
    14.07.2015

    and how many minutes are girls/ladies allowed for their lesbian moment?*let’s not go there…but,we don’t judge here..so half of our lives is fine?i haven’t used mine yet though..hahaha.

  • Abdallah Omar
    14.07.2015

    and picture this he comes with a i am gay and have entered into a same sex marriage and we have a beautiful child anyway

  • Magunga
    14.07.2015

    Hey. Hey. Hey. Leave Man U out of this. We just signed Schweinsteiger and Schneiderlin…also, De Gea has renewed his contract at Old Trafford. So hebu come slow ondiek.

    Also, it is not Adidas if it is not bought in Berlin!

    • Tums
      15.07.2015

      spot on!!

  • Ess
    14.07.2015

    HaghaHahhaaaa this is nice. Glued to the end.

  • Ann Gardener
    14.07.2015

    As always; hands down/up to Biko. Thnx for always making me laugh on Tuesday.

  • Merci Jowi
    14.07.2015

    Biko! I surely died and resurrected. Laughed my all, and good to be initiating Tamms to great life, nothing like pedicure and flowers for leverage. I am imagining the boy child 20 years to come, personality will be key.

  • Ythes
    14.07.2015

    I have laughed soooo hard.
    Well written.

    Glad to know that I’m not alone in all these. I have a son that everyone thinks looks like a gal. Despite my efforts to dress him in Blue and other man colours. Its so funny that this past weekend the face painter drew a flower and a love heart on his cheeks… I almost died…. But I’m comforted that when the tetesterone checks in he will be fine..

    Thanks Biko for sharing…

  • miriam zawadi
    14.07.2015

    post supuu

  • Trojan Horse
    14.07.2015

    NO HOMO….

  • Njoki Getata
    14.07.2015

    Reads. *How to be a social media dad*

  • Francis
    14.07.2015

    Hats off to all the fathers (and brothers) live with the revelations of an out of the closet child or sibling…..in Africa.

  • puditik
    14.07.2015

    Great stufses!! And good food for thought. But we cannot overstress much. Found this on the Humans of New York – someone quoted from someone, and too lazy to check who

    “Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
    You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”

    Meanwhile – I have a fro too. Someone stuck their fingers into it to see if it is a weave. 😉

    Please get Kim a fro? We fro-folks are great!

    • Wairimu
      14.07.2015

      Great quote! That is Kahlil Gibran. From The Prophet.

  • Faith
    14.07.2015

    “But because you have survived many tragedies in your life (like Masaku 7s) you will carefully look at him and nod slowly and then ask the one question you are allowed to ask at this point, Are you the chick or the guy?”
    This is one of the most thought provoking line…Secretly hoping He will be the Male Gay I suppose?
    Just curious, How many seconds of gayism is a girl allowed? uuum ake that minutes…

  • Kadonye
    14.07.2015

    I always have to ask if a kid is male or female…coz they all have a unisex cuteness, so adorable. PS; I think we’re all a bit gay, no one’s 100% heterosexual.

  • Wafula
    14.07.2015

    Call my boy a girl and that’s how you will remember me.For all times sake;Boys will always be boys,never forget that.Nice piece.I can now continue working…

  • Susan
    14.07.2015

    Oooh..I relate to this clearly,my 7 months son has been mistaken for a girl too many times…especially when I go to the clinic…they say ‘mrembo wako Ana furaha…’I can pray he will turn out all Male..

  • Driva Tuktuk!
    14.07.2015

    This story couldn’t come @a better time. I have a girl cousin who’s a complete orphan. I take care of her including her schooling. Only this past weekend she was sent home for lesbianism tendencies. For two days I didn’t know what to say to her and I sent her to a an uncle. The guilt is eating me up.Probably why you brought up this issue. It’s never serious until it stares at you in the face. Nice read Biko

    • Charles Kagana
      16.07.2015

      Complete orphan…now that is a complete description.

  • Sonia
    14.07.2015

    Exquisitely funny

  • Gerald
    14.07.2015

    Biko, my sons watch tellytubbies, I now know it’s on, nice piece.

  • Ryan
    14.07.2015

    Nice one Biko. I used to watch tubies though but there is no cock-blocking going on here. Plus sometimes ladies calling me beautiful is an added advantage *if you get my drift*

    Cheers.

  • Eunice
    14.07.2015

    Very funny…Enjoyed!

  • Evelyn Mwaura
    14.07.2015

    As a kid, a hawker once mistook me for a boy. I really cried! But I clearly remember my mum’s disappointed face. She clearly didn’t know how to make me recover from this. She just bought me a sausage and a really beautiful hair clip. Thank God for growing up… I look like a woman now!

  • Carrie
    14.07.2015

    Haha! Biko, You are such a great Dad! *adds Turkey and Berlin to my bucketlist*

  • anonymous
    14.07.2015

    When you see your son climbing things or trying to pee
    on the TV remote or when he follows you into the
    bathroom and when you pee suddenly he pokes his head
    around your legs and looks at your member curiously, I
    mean that is a brilliant moment to be a guy with a son.

    you got me at this one……

  • feli
    14.07.2015

    This was a great piece. Read it under a drier in the salon. I am a chick very straight… but there. are times I have noticed how beautiful some women wer and I have also gone like.. “What the hell” in my head. Good mix of humour and serious issues.

  • Cub Gee
    14.07.2015

    Hilarious! Beautiful boys and Handsome girls! Especially can relate to the football thing. What’s up with the assumption that we all watch soccer??

  • Purey
    14.07.2015

    when he follows you into the bathroom and when you pee suddenly he pokes his head around your legs and looks at your member curiously, I mean that is a brilliant moment to be a guy with a son. If this is real, then I truly have no understanding of men!

  • sosten
    14.07.2015

    meeen!! its like am in the 15 century roman theatres and a great…mmh…yea…story teller has just finished his talk…..big up biko

  • arumba
    14.07.2015

    So I say we cock-block those bastards, take the girl-child for fine dining now, buy her an occasional bouquet of flowers, tell her you love her, tell her she is beautiful, raise her self esteem so high when that randy weasel shows up with a tattoo of a frog (at least that’s how it looks like) on his arm promising dinner and spa and telling her that she is such a flower, she will remain beautifully nonplussed……..so dead

  • Haron
    14.07.2015

    when ninjas back in high school used to call me sharon or Norah,,disgusting
    i still feel like punching them
    i can relate to this

  • ndiransh
    14.07.2015

    We’re impressed you used nonplussed. Honest. And it’s admirable how quickly you led us on a clever, merry tour to Turkey and whatnot but look boss, we weren’t fooled. We didn’t miss it. You and hair glo obviously have some deep and secret history. No judging.

  • Wanja
    14.07.2015

    your fatherhood posts are on point… great piece

  • Louis
    14.07.2015

    Haha. definitely worth every word to read. newest kid to join the gang.

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      Karibu!

  • Wambui
    14.07.2015

    Ah, the first post where you do not mention ‘gay’ with just a sneer. There is hope.

  • shiko
    14.07.2015

    you will carefully look at him
    and nod slowly and then ask the one
    question you are allowed to ask at this
    point, Are you the chick or the guy?hehehe. as if this will change the situation. Nice piece as always..

  • Bernard
    14.07.2015

    A great read as usual.Awesome piece.

  • Charles
    14.07.2015

    Boys will always be handsome. Beautiful tuachie madame.

  • Mugabe
    14.07.2015

    Admit it Biko. This is a sponsored post.

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      It’s not!

      • Mugabe
        18.07.2015

        Really? Ok if you say so… It’s just that it is too much of a coincidence. Obama visit, LGBT Community tryna up its game of softening the country’s hard stance on their social beliefs, and then KIM MEETS SAM!

  • Francis
    14.07.2015

    Reality penned down in the most creative and effortless way possible. Always my best blog for interesting reads so far. Kudos Biko

  • wangari
    15.07.2015

    great stuff, i rem someone called me a boy! i mean, just because i had shaved, i was so infuriated that i swore to never shave my hair again!! am more feminine now tho haha..i really enjoy reading your work!

  • John Nasaye
    15.07.2015

    Hahahahahaaaa!!!! Hilarious! But girls will be girls, even after all that exposure to fine dining and what not, she will still give it up so easy to some bastard with a frog tattoo who will tell her she is the only girl worth going after! And you need to defend your theory about the self esteem and getting laid……..some of us have had our luckiest moments within those two extreme ends

    • Soldier of the species
      17.07.2015

      hahahaha! That is true.

  • jamine
    15.07.2015

    Hey Biko!. Im an ardent reader but have never left a comment. This is my first. Let me relate. Whats even worse is having a boys name that most people mistake its a girls’, like yours truly. Sigh! Anywho, so what happened to the ‘diary of an obese girl’ weekly post you promised? Great article as always!

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      She comes in Thursdays.

    • Tums
      15.07.2015

      haiya….your a boy/man??!!! nice name hehheh

  • Brenda
    15.07.2015

    African men and sons obsession!!!!

    is pastor Mogaka real??

    • John Nasaye
      15.07.2015

      Hehehee…..it’s hard wired in us!

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      As real as a a unicorn filling its tax returns.

  • Joe
    15.07.2015

    Let Cindy be pastor Mogaka.Great penmanship Biko.

  • Tony
    15.07.2015

    ‘Are you the chick or the guy?’that’s a conversation I pray to to have when in my advanced years.

    • Tony
      15.07.2015

      Its a very sad conversation, heartbreaking.

  • Ali
    15.07.2015

    Good read. This is a topic we will have to deal with in our time. If not us then our children but the discussion starts now.
    The one question you would ask your son if he is the woman Or the man. if it boils down to that, I would pray that he is the man that will be a consolation for me.

  • wavinya kimeu
    15.07.2015

    HAHAHAHA, I love watching (read reading) people react to your stories.Seriously though,reading you is like listening to Cess Mutungi. You’re having your own party and the rest of us can join in if we can keep up!
    Keep at it! I could read you any day err day *smily face*

  • Natasha
    15.07.2015

    Hahaha.I simply love your posts! It turns my most gloomiest days into something quite bright.It always feels like I’m reading a loooooong email from a long lost friend. Thank You

  • VioAnne
    15.07.2015

    “Ni kijana ama ni dame” … once…; your brilliant follow up to that Q was a ribcrackingly thought provoking (can I say that?) alert.
    Write on☑️

  • Joy
    15.07.2015

    People still ask my mum what happened to her other son… Awesome read!

  • mari marie
    15.07.2015

    My sons is a photocopy of me, curly hair and all. One of my neighbor’s kids one day stopped me and asked me innocently ‘ebu nikuulize huyu mtoto wako, huwa kijana ama kadame’, broke my heart yani. But now he is such a boy, he is a threenager and peeing on the balcony and all. But The visits to the barber are terrible, he hates getting shaved, hope Kim liked it

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      Threenager? Wait? Did I miss a cool lingo? Kim hated the barber first day, now he doesn’t make a fuss. Quiet as a mouse.

      • mari marie
        15.07.2015

        Yes you did, Learned the word from Kilimani Mum *Yeah, I know*. Terrible twos was a walk in the park.Now that he can express himself i get commanded around and being threatened that am no longer his friend and his favourite word is “ni yangu”.His barber changed numbers and moved to a different town, i hope it’s not my boy’s fault, but getting him to sit down and get his hair shaved is such a hustle, especially now that his barber deserted us

  • Shezzie
    15.07.2015

    My son looked like a girl when he was an infant. I have a photo of him at 2 weeks old in my wallet and he one day asked me…”Mum who’s this?” told him it’s him at 2 months…”Mum that’s not me, I’m a boy, that’s a girl” hehehehe. At age 10 he likes chics, light chics…

  • nkatha
    15.07.2015

    Nice read, as always.
    The things you do for your daughter…

  • Wangu
    15.07.2015

    I always save your articles for my evening read in traffic, and a lot of guys on my route now think I’m crazy… I laugh so hard! Thanks Biko, for adding days to my life.

  • Whitney Mosingi
    15.07.2015

    LOL….this piece yaye…;-)
    All the tiny kids should just be beautiful regardless of the gender…i have never heard of a handsome baby…that is attained once they grow up and people can actually tell the gender

    Also…you make being a parent sound so nice yaani….i was like aaawwww the whole time

    I cant wait to finish campus and get babies too…;-)

  • Kui
    15.07.2015

    Biko..All my friends save your article to read in the evening-Traffic time. Dont know what you think about that..Biko and Traffic

    • bikozulu
      15.07.2015

      There are worse places they could be reading me in, I think! 🙂

  • Beingrosemary
    15.07.2015

    If only you could right on a daily basis reading your post could easily turn into the highlight of my day…love your great sense of humour gets me everytime!!
    http://www.beingrosemary.wordpress.com

  • Jenny
    15.07.2015

    I have two boys Biko, it’s soo on! By the way, my 6 year old always plucks a flower from school and brings it to me almost daily. What do you think of that?

  • I have an eight year old girl and she has the hour-glass shape already, even if I shaved her hair, I know she won’t be confused for a boy..ever!! Cool post as always!

  • The Intern
    15.07.2015

    hehe thehe the 30 seconds gay moment, haven’t had it before, but in these times I could bet my bottom dollar that winter is coming.

  • Adhis
    15.07.2015

    Lovely Saturday morning, a bit nippy, so he had on his beloved and only green puffy jacket and these beige shorts (he has terrific legs, that boy…which he of course gets from me) and these really fancy Adidas shoes that I bought him in Berlin.

    Luos will always be proud of themselves.

    Raising a son who turns into a gentleman is every parents’ greatest pleasure.

  • kaka
    15.07.2015

    Am all grown but still look like mom worse my baby face cant just go away. I hate it when girls talk about it. But it is even awkward when as a family we meet new family friends and the father of that family looks at me and says “Ruth huyu ni wa kwenu kabisa” He then proceeds to my little brother who in every sense looks walks talks like dad and says “Youngman, your dad and i are good friends. whats your name” he even shares dads name. Moms friends often wish I was a girl, i hate it and i hate them. I wonder what is the case of my immediate bro, a light skin nigga with moms every facial look. Its a girl no a boy no a girl oh a boy seriously a boy. I love my mom tho♡ Great read tho

  • Sue Kambua
    16.07.2015

    You write well and it’s disappointing to read a snide comment from you about adoption written out of ignorance.

    • Emma Ndungu
      16.07.2015

      Very true Sue. Doubt it’s ignorance but just utter disrespect and arrogance. I have heard about his character.

    • bikozulu
      16.07.2015

      Sue, in hindsight, that comment is indeed in bad taste. I apologise.

    • Terry
      17.07.2015

      Benevolence is a rare trait. Some people have it and some don’t.

    • Clive
      06.08.2015

      “So it’s a fuss-fest and I look at Tamms standing next to me and she is sort of sulking because the brother has taken all the attention from her and I bet she is thinking that perhaps she was adopted, so I rub her back reassuringly and smile at her and she looks up and grimaces and looks away.”

  • Bree
    16.07.2015

    So I happen to be a girl who is a copyright photocopy of my dad… Lean body included and 5 ft 7… Then I made a mistake of having the barber do away with my hair some years ago.. Oh the agony of being girly then …. Vowed never to do that again… so I’m all about being dressy now and keeping my hair long…. No more “Huyu ni kijana ama msichana? ”

    Great read as usual….. I totally relate to the struggle…… 🙂

  • Cyndi Rotich
    16.07.2015

    hahahaha Cindy is girl……looking forward to having babies so I can experience some of this!!!

  • BeeBaker
    16.07.2015

    This is my first time on here and I’ve gotta say, I just found my favourite pass time (bye candy crush)
    great read, and my ribs must be thanking the heavens for the stretch.
    “He was looking
    dapper and he knew it because he kept looking at his shoes while walking.
    Don’t you just love when kids do shit like that? Like when they sit and
    keep touching their new shoes as if they can’t believe they have became
    those guys who wear dope adidas shoes even before they can say masala?
    How when you get back home they refuse to remove the shoes so they go
    to bed and sleep in them? Haha. That level of innocence kills me. ”
    kills me too Biko.
    Make room for a new fan…and probably some more referrals.

    • bikozulu
      16.07.2015

      Thanks BeeBaker! Karibu.

  • Dominic Atika
    16.07.2015

    What a freaking beautiful read, Bikozulu! Genius. Please make it a point to e-mail me every single piece going forward.

    • bikozulu
      16.07.2015

      Thanks. Kindly subscribe in that box to the left.

  • Wairimu
    16.07.2015

    Eh… Kim wuod Biko must be quite a looker..
    First time leaving a comment, but your piece dispelled my fears of having a boy child just because of the gay factor. Hilarious bit on the beautiful turkish guy. My take is you should have just turned for a second glance, you still had 24 seconds to spare.
    Superb read Sir.

  • Tamika
    16.07.2015

    Awesome read as always!

  • Kui Ngugi
    16.07.2015

    The best read ever! ‘ Ni kijana ama ni dame? (is he a boy or girl) And I’m like, Nani? And he says, Huyu m-juniour wako And I’m like what??! I stare at him hard through the mirror and tell him he’s a goddamn BOY! A boy! Jesus!

  • Lukanyagah
    16.07.2015

    Fantastic read.I still wanna stone gays,though.

  • Jemo
    17.07.2015

    Nice read Biko.You’ve never disappointed.

  • florence
    17.07.2015

    good work biko

  • kish
    17.07.2015

    Awesome.never disappoints

  • kish
    17.07.2015

    great

  • Rotich S.
    17.07.2015

    Chaps should be ready because these are difficult times, and that time is definitely coming. But one’s son coming out as gay must be a real heart-breaker, especially to the man, like all your fathering amounted to nothing!

    Anyway great piece Biko.

  • delek
    18.07.2015

    when i was young they used to say i look as beautiful as a girl.now am all grown and though i feel gay at times i strive to be as straight like everyone

  • Moses Kemibaro
    18.07.2015

    @Biko I have died laughing! 🙂 Great post as always.

  • james
    19.07.2015

    Valid thoughts, my son was always mistaken for a daughter and i should have been unduly worried, i wasn’t; i get offended every time i take my daughter to clinic and they ask “how is the boy doing?”

  • JOAN
    20.07.2015

    Biko, i got this story’s notification while on a drip in hospital, thank God i am well enough to read it today on my birthday, i mean i might have failed to open a birthday gift registry at booksfirst, do people do that??? anyway..great read, reminds me of my nephew, he is so cute i am tired of guys asking me whether he is a girl, come on pipss..you want him in dreadlocks?? good reads..keep up the excellent work

    • bikozulu
      20.07.2015

      Happy birthday! 🙂

  • Susan
    20.07.2015

    When I was young my mum would be told, such a handsome boy you have there. It made me hate wearing trousers till I grew my curves.
    Now its my turn, aaaawwww she is so beautiful. Eeeerrrm he is a boy…They then say you two look alike… really…I just don’t get these genes…

  • Boni
    20.07.2015

    Dude,…remember how you promised to name your son “Njogu”back in 2010 in the story” I hit a man”?

  • The Way I See It
    21.07.2015

    Haaha such an awesome read. My son looks like me and every time someone mistakes him for a girl, i sneer like Pradeep and always do the spelling bee B – O – Y, just to clarify. It is every parents fear that their sons will not start the talk, however much we will support them.

  • wachira
    24.07.2015

    I remember when we were kids at my grandma, my late sister Pauline(may her soul rest in peace) dressed me like a girl completely na kitambaa ya kichwa. She called her playmates kina Muthoni to come and see. He looks like a girl they amused, giggling saying he’s so cute.

  • jan
    27.07.2015

    great peace. president uhuru actually never said NO or YES.. ‘non-issue’ was way safe terminology to use. call it reading in between the lines.

  • nyambura
    31.07.2015

    I can relate: my son is 16, lean and handsome. Last year at the coast someone asked me if he was a girl. At the time he was in his swimming trunks! He nearly had a fit! He had heard the question many times when he was younger and it used to drive him nuts but this was really something. I wanted to punch the guy too.

  • Zaynah
    03.08.2015

    Oh Lord! Your posts just got more hilarious and awesome! I loved It! Totally entertained!

  • damah
    04.08.2015

    first time here and whoa got to admit that my boss just called my extension to ask who is laughing out loud…..i love the article

  • Daktari
    05.08.2015

    Great piece…

  • Gakenia
    06.08.2015

    Hahaha. I know Sam. Your description of him is not only hilarious, it’s on point! And the verbatim quotes are just something he would say. Very nice piece Biko

  • Gakenia
    06.08.2015

    Oh and just so we are clear I’m a chic. I have often receive mail the says dear Mr. Gakenia. I know Sam as i used to go to a salon where he works

  • Lia
    02.09.2015

    Havent laughed this hard in a long time. Dont know how ur head work but your imagination is crazy

  • Wahito
    23.09.2015

    I swear this man will kill me with laughter one of these days…

  • Gideon
    02.11.2015

    Biko, I am just wondering might this Sam be the same Sam at Gillfilian Mall… He is my barber who happens to have an afro

  • Kenn
    09.12.2015

    spot on

  • Pauline Peter
    03.01.2016

    I am reading this on my sick bed and am in tears.Biko keep doing what you doing.

  • madge
    22.01.2016

    I am laughing so hard over my lunch break. one time my almost 14 years old son used my phone to text a girl and i was so distressed until i shared with a male friend who said ” at least you are halfway almost certain he is not gay”. He was often mistaken for a girl when he was a baby and i always wanted to bash someone’s head in!

  • Dalvenice
    11.02.2016

    Wow, I think you will be a great OB. It seems like you have a real love for children, faeiilms, and people in general. Sad to say that those qualities are rare traits in todays world. I believe not just anyone should be in just any job because you could be in a job that you hate and end up making everyone who comes in contact with you at work miserable. You have the joy and care to be great at your job and effect those you will be working around not only by your knowledge , but by your love for what you do.

  • Ivaline
    01.04.2016

    I know those ones..once at a doctors and she goes..”so how is she today? and am like..she’s a he..i mean, he’s a he!!’..never mind, baby has a bad cough!!!

What do you think?

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *