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MEN AND MARRIAGE

I was from a memorial with some friends when my brother rang. He never rings me at night, he Whatsapps, so I thought shit, I hope nothing has happened. I looked at the phone then pressed the answer button gently, as if that act would slow down the process of connection. “Julius?” I said cautiously. There was loud music in the background – a good sign. He asked, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m having a drink.” He said, “Guess who I’m with?” I said, Forest Whitaker? (Always say the first name that comes to your head). Over the loud music he shouted, “Who? Hang on, let me move away.” He said, “Willis.” I said, “Willis? Which Willis.” He said “Willis Oketch.” I said, What?!

He went to primary school with Willis. I went to high school with Willis. He was a few classes behind me but we were in the same dorm – Bowers 2 – he slept on the bunk bed on top of mine. He was tall and skinny – like most of us were in our teenage years, surviving on the school’s weevil-infested githeri and tepid, sugarless tea – the nourishment of the X- generation. He was also very quiet and laid-back. He spoke softly, never got into trouble, kept his head low and his nose clean, did his homework and always minded his own business. He was visited by his parents a lot, which meant he always had milk powder and sugar in his box. (Sugar was currency, legal tender). Clean guy, Willis, meticulous, his box arranged neatly unlike my box that was like a place a pig could turn its nose up at. We toiled in teenage. The last time I saw him was 24-years ago.

“Is he back from Australia?” I asked. Julius said, “Well he’s here now and he leaves on Tuesday and he would like to see you. I also just left the house at 8pm to come meet him.” They were at Pitstop, which was far from where I was but then I thought maybe this was a chance for us to meet again, you never know when this opportunity will arise again, if ever. Based on his demeanor in high school, I didn’t think he would have the summer bunny affliction. Nobody really jumps at a chance to meet a summer bunny because sometimes the conversations can be alien. You try to avoid that, especially at this point in our lives. One told me one day that it “feels good to see so many Kenyans taking health seriously” because he saw “many people jog around the bypasses.” I said, “People who run around Kilimani and Kileleshwa are not a representation of Kenyans. Actually people in Kilimani and Kileleshwa are only a representation of people in Kilimani and Kileleshwa.” If Willis was the Willis of 24-years ago – chill and all – we were not going to talk about “Kenyans,” like they are a different, faraway nation that you have to take two boats and a donkey to access. So I went.

When you haven’t seen each other in 24 years you don’t even know what to say to each other. There is such vastness between those years, an ocean of it, so much in happenings and movement and transformation and change and emotion and babies and heartbreaks and deaths and lessons that you don’t know where or how to start. It’s hard to find a common language to fill that time. It’s like trying to dig a grave using your bare hands. So what’s left is to touch your glasses many many times and say, “To your good health, my friend. God has been kind to us, we meet again.” And drink. And drink. Then when you see someone you know pass by you grab them in a headlock and drag them to the table and tell them, one arm draped over Willis’ shoulder, “And this is Willis, we were in school together. I last saw him 24 years ago, can you believe that; 24 years!” And the poor guy – trapped in this strange, foreign nostalgia – will pretend to marvel at the lost time and age when all they want is to leave that 24 year rabbit hole and get to the loo without a bruised neck.

At some point my brother held my hand and pulled me aside and under the flashing kitschy disco lights, wore a face that he thought was serious but which in fact wasn’t. (Nobody can successfully pull off a serious face when they are tipsy.) “Listen,” he said, “I didn’t like how you called X an idiot that day.” In December I had had a tiff with one of our friends in a group we are in. Long story. I told Julius, “I didn’t mean it in the true sense of the word. Come on, we call each other names all the time in that group but it’s never that serious, you know it. He behaved idiotically but he isn’t an idiot. You know it.”

“Well, yeah, but go easy on him. He’s going through a lot,” he said gravely. I asked him what a lot is. He said, “I don’t know much, he hasn’t told me, but it’s marriage, I suspect.”

I didn’t know how that is. “How am I to know how that is when he doesn’t tell any of us?” I asked him. He sighed. “Well, he doesn’t have to talk to us, you know. All I’m saying is let’s go easy on him. Let’s cut him some slack, he will come around.” I said, “Sawa. By the way, where did you buy this jacket? I like it.” He said, “I have a guy.”

Of course our friend isn’t going to talk to us about marriage. We only talk to marriage to our marriage counsellors, and even for it to get to that point things are so bad the marriage is hanging on a string. Sometimes we will talk to our church elder because, well, that’s like talking to God’s representative and God’s representative signed a non-disclosure agreement with God.

So who do we – men – really talk to when our marriages are going pear-shaped? When you spent 2 million on a wedding two years ago but now its wheels seem to be coming apart and you hang tight hoping for something to give? Who do men talk to when their “sense of manhood” is diminished in marriage? When they feel their voices going? When they feel like they are standing on a quick sand? When they are in way over their heads in debt and the wife has no clue? Because we know most women sit over wine or sangria or whisky with what they call BFF and they pour their problems in a corner of a bar or restaurant and sometimes even cry in a serviette. First, I can’t even imagine crying in front of another man. Even if he’s crying with me. (That would be double worse). Secondly, even if I’m to tell another man my problems I won’t go too deep because that means I get vulnerable before him, burden him with my woes, get weak before him and perhaps end up embarrassing him in the process. Lastly, I ain’t drinking no sangria.

When men talk we talk superficially. Our conversations go something like this.

“So last time we spoke you mentioned that mama was threatening to go to her folks.”

“Ah, she didn’t. Threats tu, si you know.”

“You resolved things.”

“Ati resolve? Can you really resolve these things? You fix this, another comes up. They keep coming up like boils, man.”

“True. One old man, he must have been 70, tells me that he still fights with his wife. I was like, aii, what can you be possibly fighting about at your age? He said you will always fight with your wife over something or the other. It’s how marriage stays interesting.”

“Kwanza now ati sijui she is fighting me about colour. She says she doesn’t understand where my money goes.”

“Haha. Do you know where her money goes? Even the CIA can’t successfully trace a woman’s money, you guy.

“Ha-ha. Kwanza huku she’s stressing me where my money goes, her I don’t even know how much she makes. Alafu I do everything. Her she just sends money to her parents, ati they are building a house in shags. That house has been under construction since before Thika road became a superhighway.”

“Haha. Crazy. Things will be okay. So now, we buy another round ama you have to go for that event you mentioned?”

Then that story dies.

We all trudge through marriages in silence, like mules carrying heavy loads. We don’t offload. We never offload like women do. When you offload you get time to stretch a bit and when you get the load back on it seems easier. Carry your loads for years and one day you will collapse. Or you will throw your load in a river. We never meet other men carrying loads at the rest points and ask, “Boss, how do you manage that load of yours?” Because we are men, our load is our load. We die with it. We are stoic.

And so I’m starting a series called ‘Men and Marriage’. It’s going to run pretty much for the better part of 2019, then towards the tail end I will do one on ‘Women And Marriage’. I want to speak to men in marriages. Because I’m curious and because as men we don’t share a lot. When we are mad, we don’t go on FB and write cryptic messages like, “This year I choose ME. I put ME first.” We lay low. When we are happy, we are happy in silence and when we are sad and struggling, we are the same. I want to wear a breathing apparatus and get underneath this male phenomenon in marriage.

To mean I want to talk to all sorts of men; men who have been married for tens of years – like 40-years – and ask them what trick that is; how does one remain married for that long when some are barely breathing in the third year? I want to talk to men who have lost their jobs and still have to be “head of the home” during that period of economic disillusionment. How do you lead if you can’t put a roof over your family’s head? Where does your voice come from? How does being broke as a husband affect your leadership and your relation?

I want to talk to those brave men who have two wives. Two official wives. As in they know each other. As in, the other knows the other’s name and where she works. As in you leave the one house and say, “Babe, today I think I will be spending the night in Regina’s house.” As in, you have two sets of belts and after-shave balm in each house. How have you not even died mysteriously and your body never found? What kind of a woman agrees to that? Is it hypnosis? Do you have something on her that the police might want? Where do you sleep on Wednesday and Saturday? How much do you spend to sustain two families and what does it do to your emotional health? But the most important question is not how, but why.

I want to talk to men who struggle with substance addiction in marriage and how they view the impact of their habit on their marriage. I want to speak to men who can’t father children. Or men who are raising children they thought were theirs. Men who have deposited their sperms in numerous small plastic containers in dozens of clinics in a bid to get a baby and came out short each time. What does that do to you as a man and how does it affect the stability of your marriage and how does it change the marriage. I want to speak to old married men, men in their 70s who were married before Voice Of Kenya and how they view marriage now as men and if there is anything at all we can learn from these men of yore. [I love that word, yore, it’s a first cousin to the word yoke].

I also want to speak to men who are in abusive marriages. Emotional and physical abuse. What amounts to being abused emotionally in a marriage for a man and how do you seek help? Men who are married to violent women who chase you around the house with a pan and sit on your head until your feel your fingers go numb. I also want to speak to violent men and peek into (and hopefully try and understand) that place where their rage boils from. I’d love to know how you can fold a fist and punch a woman who weighs 58 kgs. Not that women who weigh 89 kgs should take a punch, but how do you fold a fist and swing it into a woman’s fragile face? What demon lives behind that punch? Where does that ugliness come from? What ignites it?

I’d love to talk to a married man about sex. Why does it – at some point – become like cutting a tree with a blunt saw? What’s our role in keeping it exciting? Why do we naturally fall into missionary? It would be nice if I can meet a man who has erectile dysfunction and ask him what he would want women to know about that. How women can help help a man with ED. It’s not a conversation I will be excited to take on but I’m up for it. [Forgive me; I had to use those puns].

I want to speak to men who like other men but are married to women. What’s that all about? How is it living a life like that, a life of make believe, living for the image and expectations? I want to speak to men who are about to get into marriage, wedding date set etc and their expectations of their wives in waiting and what they think is their role as husbands in waiting. Perhaps some of you older veterans can tell them that nobody wears lingerie to bed daily because even Christmas comes once a year. Some days it’s a long, old t-shirt written, “Saving people money since 1998.”

I want to speak to divorced men at 29 and divorced men at 54 and what the journey is pre- and post-divorce. I want to speak to senior bachelors and ask why they are still playing the field at 49. I want to speak to men who are married to spouses who live very far away from them in a different country, and hear what distance does to that marriage. I hear those are the best marriages because you don’t have to keep telling someone not to leave their socks all over the place. I want to speak to widowed men and what it means to suddenly be the mother and father and you have to look at homework and learn that the lady who teaches one of yours swimming is called Mary.

I also want to talk to men who are very happy in their marriages. I mean those who didn’t get married last month. What is happiness? What road leads to happiness? What is a happy marriage according to these men? Are these the men who during fights say, “Okay, time out. I think I will go for a walk. Can we talk about this when we have all steamed off?”, and then peck the wife on the cheek on his way out? How does one get to that nirvana?

I will not publish names if you want anonymity. I will call you anything; a city, a fruit, even Pontius Pilate if you so wish. It doesn’t matter. What matters is your story and I will treat it with respect. Oh, and I will also pick the tab.

You have a story? Email me; bikozulu@gmail.com [This is my personal email, nobody else looks at it but me.]

Oh, and Happy New Year. All well with your lovely souls?

240 Responses
  • Reuben
    08.01.2019

    This is my favorite blog of all time.

    11
  • I have to comment first this is

    5
  • Winnie Muriithi
    08.01.2019

    Amazing!!!! This will be an interesting year…. It’s about time our men took their manly masks off and just be real for a moment. You sure never disappoint Biko.

    18
  • Happy Ostrich
    08.01.2019

    I’d really love to know all this as well before I dive into marriage. The new year has come with a bang, Biko!

    5
  • #1 FAN
    08.01.2019

    i am really excited about this series

    5
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year gang!

    Biko probably over the series get them to answer why most people in marriage make it seem like a battlefield?

    Looking forward to learning new ways to be stoic.

    42
    • Mercy Githanji
      08.01.2019

      Great choice of topic Biko…cant wait to peak in the minds/ thoughts of all those men!

      1
    • Stacey Njuguna
      11.01.2019

      The main reason it’s like a battlefield is because people get married for the wrong reasons. I ended my marriage because my husband was a serial cheater and he was unable to break that toxic habit. My children are happier because I’m finally happy.

      10
  • Edlevice
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko

    1
  • Kim
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko. Looking forward to 2019.

  • ojijo pascal
    08.01.2019

    Los bende gi ojwnde ma miyo nyiri ich, kendi yudo nyithindo, kendo dak kodgi, to okdwa nyuomogi.

    23
    • Steve
      12.01.2019

      These are the ones who don’t commit and have multiple women. They give good men a bad name.

      4
  • Kwamboka
    08.01.2019

    Happy new Year Biko. The series promises to be exciting. Can’t wait!

    5
  • Anyango
    08.01.2019

    This I am very much looking forward too. It’s time we really heard another version and perspective of the story.

    2
  • Jacinta
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko.

    I am looking forward to this series.

    1
  • Kim
    08.01.2019

    This will be interesting, Biko. My dad is married to two, has been for 28 years now. We, the kids, are cool but the moms don’t see eye to eye. We don’t know why.
    That aside, I’d never pour my heart out. You said we’re stoic – we drink our problems away.
    Been to counseling before. That shit sucks. It’s never confidential! Your story leaks then at the workplace feels woishe! Never ever!
    Looking forward to reading more on this this year.

    Happy New New Year, Biko.

    14
    • Caramel
      14.01.2019

      My Dad also has two wives. All of us children are on good terms but he made sure his wives never ever interact. I got to know about it when I was much older at 21, and I never felt a void when he was gone to the other house because he has always been a great father to us.

    • PURITY MITHIKA
      16.01.2019

      Kim, I am a counselor in training and your counselor leaking your story was unethical and wrong. It is not true of all counselors and you should consider reporting them to the counseling association of Kenya.

      1
  • Waithira
    08.01.2019

    Because I’m curious and because as men we don’t share a lot. When we are mad, we don’t go on FB and write cryptic messages like, “This year I choose ME. I put ME first.” We lay low. When we are happy, we are happy in silence and when we are sad and struggling, we are the same 🙂 hahahahaha .

    anyways, I will be looking forward to this series “Men and marriage” ooh and the tail too.

    2
  • Mwende
    08.01.2019

    Love it!! Cannot wait to read it.

    1
  • Wambura
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to read these stories. Happy New Year Biko

    1
  • Chepkoech Chesiyna
    08.01.2019

    I am really looking forward to this new 2019! Thank you Biko

  • chichi
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year, Biko!

  • The Granny's Corner
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year too Biko. And this post made it better. I feel like the series will uncover a number of things and educate us too.

    On a different note, I read a review of the Drunk which said the book was like a blog post. I disagreed. Mainly because the connection Larry and the wheelbarrow making artisan was done. No loose ends were left hanging unlike our Willis.

    2
    • PK
      16.01.2019

      Yes, what did happen to Willis anyway?

  • Nk
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to this. I know a few men I think should speak with you. I’ll have them read this and see whether they’ll take it up.

    2
  • Nanna
    08.01.2019

    This is an amazing initiative, Biko. I just realised that as a woman, its easier to get someone to hear you out, but as a man, not so much. I am looking forward to learning more about this. Happy 2019,

  • Winnie
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to interesting times ahead. Opening up year. The year we talk about the complexities of marriage and the greener side of marriage too. Yearning to learn from others

  • neelah
    08.01.2019

    its gonna be a beautiful series,heart wrenching series,bittersweet series,amazing,…but many good lessons shall be picked.

    4
  • Tabby
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko. Looking forward to 2019

  • Onesmus
    08.01.2019

    New Year started pretty well!! Can’t wait for this series to begin… Happy new year Biko

  • Mary
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko. Looking forward to the series. My dad has two wives, I mean 3. One came in later when we were grown up. They know each other, leave in the same compound and children know each other. Maybe when its women and marriage, I will email. But looking forward to reading the stories.

    4
  • Dolphine Ooko
    08.01.2019

    I am so looking forward to hear men’s voices through you Biko! men suffer a lot in silence, i hope they will come out and share their experiences. Also talk to men who are married to women their seniors and how that is successfully working , or men who are married to women way too younger, like say 20 years younger than them. I can already tell this is going to be great, can’t wait!

    14
    • Ocampo
      08.01.2019

      Married to their seniors…….will also wait for that one, but the lady has to be a very humble human being or the guy a very confident fellow(or one that doesn’t care being dragged by the collar with shitty comments) for this marriage to survive. Not easy at all.

      1
    • Dennis Mwai
      09.01.2019

      I agree. That would be an interesting twist.

      1
  • rose
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko, all well in 2019.Evidently, you have an interesting package for us this year. Can’t wait for ‘Women and Marriage.’

    1
  • Smoke
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to a resourceful and informative year.

  • Nava
    08.01.2019

    I drifted at some point!
    Anywhoo, chocolate man your lady love is single again! The bird flew.

    14
    • Mueni
      08.01.2019

      you are evil.

      1
  • Shiku
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to understanding why men prefer to be silent instead of talking about their problems…. Stoic. Tolerant mpaka mwisho.
    Thank Biko for deciding to get into their heads.
    Happy new year….

    • Ocampo
      08.01.2019

      Me thinks men dont like pettiness and they feel like some discussions can go down the gutter, and some are calculative serpents…..Pretend they are not hurt as they look for a perfect opportunity to serve revenge cold.

      3
  • Chico
    08.01.2019

    Happy new one gang. Let’s make every tale count and hopefully learn from each other along the way.

    2
  • MM
    08.01.2019

    It is always nice to know the other side of the story. This is one other side of the story I have always wanted to hear about. Looking forward.
    Happy new year sir. Regards to your brother. Did Willis travel back safely?

    5
  • chichi koyo
    08.01.2019

    Great ride, thanks Biko again for choosing to go that direction.You will indeed speak to men and encourage them there is light at the end of the tunnel.I pray too that your words as they get penned down maybe healing for someone who is on this other side reading and I know we will all be helped!Change is stirred from the inside.

    8
  • misachi
    08.01.2019

    From what have realized marriage doesn’t need comparing notes with other fellows,what works for them maybe wont work for you…focus on yours!!

    1
  • Zack Mayul
    08.01.2019

    I’m in my mid twenties but to be honest with you, I have given it a lot of thought (say it, circumnavigate in thinking) but I have never come to conclusions why marriage should be a chief driver in my list of wants. Anyway, sometimes people are not the same. Maybe, later in life, I will find out why it’s important.Happy New Year, Bwana Biko.

    2
  • Swimming teacher named Mary
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko… This is a great read and an even greater initiative for men like “Willis and the women who love them that need to know what happens in a man’s heart.

    1
  • Tina
    08.01.2019

    Happy New year gang. Looking forward to this new series, ‘Men and Marriage’

  • Mark
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year, Biko.

    This series sounds interesting. Can’t wait.
    *buys notebook*

    7
  • churchill salmon
    08.01.2019

    Thank you for highlighting this, believe me it will be the most interesting encounter ever. Happy New year man

  • Ndugu Abisai
    08.01.2019

    Also, men that are baby dadies? Married, but have children with other women.Happy new year Jackson. Did you talk to Willis?

    4
  • Pam
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko! looking forward to being enlightened

  • Ninnah Mwaura
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko!!

    Looking forward to the series!

    1
  • Molly Kamande
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year to you too,

    Ha-ha. Kwanza huku she’s stressing me where my money goes, her I don’t even know how much she makes. Alafu I do everything. Her she just sends money to her parents, ati they are building a house in shags. That house has been under construction since before Thika road became a superhighway.”

    1
  • Ninnah Mwaura
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko!
    Looking forward to the series…

    1
  • Sue
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko!

  • DM
    08.01.2019

    i am certainly looking forward to this… we… men … we just don’t talk.

  • Liz
    08.01.2019

    This should be interesting…can’t wait

  • Charlie
    08.01.2019

    This should be interesting…

  • Terry
    08.01.2019

    The new series is quite interesting just like you always do.. You just nail it… Can’t wait

  • Bernard T
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko. And Cheers to 2019.

  • EssieTala
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko!

    This already looks very interesting. I really can’t wait to get into some men (especially) and women’s lives!

  • Leona B
    08.01.2019

    “……….not that a woman weighing 89 deserves a punch, but, what demons lie behind that punch”.
    Looking forward to these stories

    Happy New Year le gang

    1
  • Gregory Mabele
    08.01.2019

    Very true Biko. We men have a problem opening up to our “buddies” when it comes to marital and relationship problems – the real problems, not just the easy pub banter we participate in. No wonder when a pal shoots himself or strangles himself we are all reeling in shock for years on end…hatukujua!

    1
  • Jerono
    08.01.2019

    I bet this is going to be interesting. Can’t wait for it.

    1
  • Mah
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year!
    Looks like a good year already.

  • Manasses Ndonga
    08.01.2019

    I really can’t wait for the pieces. Please have a look at theeastafricanlifestyle.com

  • Chege Chege
    08.01.2019

    We all trudge through marriages in silence, like mules carrying heavy loads. We don’t offload.

  • Kentoz
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Bikorians and Biko ofkos. I am really excited for this series, and most of all the stories that you will tell.
    The series on ‘over 40’ was dope af… This will definitely blow my mind. Thank you.

    1
  • Obizee
    08.01.2019

    Oh oh and biko please ask why people get divorced for trivial and insignificant matters as throwing away of plastic spoons.

    1
  • fayjay
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year.. starting on the right note..

  • Pumpkin
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to reading all this now that I’m hoping to get married in 2019. To who I don’t know. All I know is that it will have to happen.

    3
  • Emily Omondi
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year to you Biko, looking forward to the discovery of a man’s world.
    Kindly check out what happens in the life of men with mental disorders, like Bipolar, OCD , the challenges and even how they wish to be helped by people close to them.

    2
  • Eddah
    08.01.2019

    This will be very interesting. i can’t wait!

  • Irukan
    08.01.2019

    interesting,will be glued all the way,

    Happy new year fam.

  • Lilian.
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko.
    The father of my kids walked away from our two girls and i, 4 years ago and moved in with a women with a child.(a child that’s not his)
    I would like to hear his story.
    The why’s
    The how…because it started as a joke just like Donald Trump’ s vying for the USA presidency.

    11
    • Nduta Macridis
      11.01.2019

      Lillian, he has saved you from years of misery. Let him be someone else’s problem, trust me he will be exactly that and she will regret. Men like these are cowards, leaving their children to go and raise another man’s child. Useless.

      6
  • J. Njeri
    08.01.2019

    Happy New year Biko. Looking forward to this

  • Tess Ohalo
    08.01.2019

    Bikozulu’s gonna get even more interesting in 2019. Looking forward to this series. And oh,Biko I wish I could share my story with you. Its qte an extraordinary story, which I know will definitely fascinat you and you might consider penning here. It’s a story of loss, of hope, of resilience and more loss. A story where one dies while still living. I thought I could email you but then am neither a man nor married and this story has nothing to do with marriage. Maybe I should wait till the series is over. Happy new year Biko

    4
    • Anne
      08.01.2019

      Tess, please email him.

      2
    • Ocampo
      08.01.2019

      Email me then instead

      2
  • Naanyu
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year chocolate man!

  • P K
    08.01.2019

    Interview my hubby

    2
  • Molly
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko looking forward to these conversations

  • Gathonie
    08.01.2019

    Great piece!

    Looking forward to this series.
    Looks like it will be a bittersweet walk, but promises to lead to healing and relief for many who cannot voice their issues.

    #Hello2019.

    1
  • Wema
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to a great year ahead. I wonder what the series will unleash.

  • Evans Terer
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to these stories and the lessons from them.

  • Becca
    08.01.2019

    Finally 8th of Jan 2019.Happy new year Gang. Its gonna be a rollercoaster full of life lessons. Looking forward to this new series ‘men and marriage’.

  • Pamela
    08.01.2019

    Really looking forward to this series on men and marriage

  • Mary
    08.01.2019

    WOOW, looking forward to this-I am always looking for the next new post,there are always new vocabularies to pick,and one day when I become a writer,I want to be this deep and expressive and hilarious and more

  • mumo
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to the stories. Pontius Pilate really?

  • Marmanet
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko, waiting for mawaidha

  • MoraaVal
    08.01.2019

    I look forward to this. But i have to admit i am particularly interested on men who have lost their jobs and how they have survived through it.

    • Ocampo
      08.01.2019

      This will maybe the most painful of them, with few exceptions

  • Man_Like_Sawyer
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year The Gang!!
    This looks promising…New Shabiki in town…haha 2019

  • Millie
    08.01.2019

    Can’t wait for the findings, we learn something new everyday.

  • Kinaga
    08.01.2019

    This series will definitely be something! I’m already thinking of some of the men I know who’s stories would inspire my generation towards a rich married life. Guess I’ll talk to them and see if they can share with you their stories. In the meantime, Happy New Year from my end.

    Good tidings this year, Biko!

    2
  • Charityamon
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year
    So in 2019 am not only waiting on the series and movies set to be released on this and the other month but am waiting on something real,, nothing fictional,what we live and see here and there. Some of which we don’t even realise. In this to the end .

  • Carol
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko!

  • Tania opollo
    08.01.2019

    The men who married older women (15+) …how the dealt with the stigma…..and those who married much younger (-20)…..How they compensate for their inadequacies.and how they deal with insecurities…..and how both men handle generational gaps.

    2
  • Sherri
    08.01.2019

    Aki niko si you hire me I proof read for you. Lol

    2
  • Tania opollo
    08.01.2019

    Men who have suffered post partum depression….if there is any..

  • Yvonne
    08.01.2019

    Is it only me that waited for the “Willis” story till the last line? And it never came.. ..
    The new series will be very interesting, I think.

    1
  • Fransisca Mutwoo
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year!! cant wait to read different stories.i want to know too

  • Eunice
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko.
    Looking forward to this. Marriages are a mystery,i would surely want to hear the demystified version of men.

  • Kamau
    08.01.2019

    looks promising – i want to here from those men who build their homes “sweat and toil” then one day he flirts with aka slay and that was the end of it. He cant even access the gate..anaranda mtaani. thanks to court order – hes homeless.

    4
    • Joel
      12.01.2019

      Choices have consequences. If you’re willing to loose it all, that’s what’s up my friend.

      5
  • Josephine
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko. Welcome back.

  • Beatrice
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year 2019. Looking forward to reading these interesting stories Men and Marriage

  • Lena
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year to you too. Sounds like an exciting ride.

  • Dottie
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko, it seems this yr 2019 will be the yr to reach cannan that was promised with this series of Men & Marriage I cannot wait for the conversations……..nime vuta stool already, Pontius pilate?????REALLY Biko!!!!!!

  • Linda Lumbasi
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward to the series!

  • Lovely read. Can’t wait to read about these men and how they do it, how they hold on. Happy new year, Biko.

    1
  • ces
    08.01.2019

    I can’t wait! We rarely get to hear men’s perspective on marriage.

  • James
    08.01.2019

    Definitely looking forward to this

  • Val
    08.01.2019

    You should have started with Women owada.

    The way men like keeping stuff to themselves, hope they take you up on your Oprah Moment and hopefully download their hearts out.

    • Ciku
      08.01.2019

      Hahaha, Oprah?…really? Okay, let’s go with that.I hope the men do join in on Biko’s “oprah moment” not because they love to share, but because they finally have a chance to voice their burdens….Anonymously.

    • Ocampo
      08.01.2019

      Starting with women – good idea

  • Muks
    08.01.2019

    Am newly married, 2 years, since we both arrived a bit late, we have ha stories from our age mates and we promised each other to work to make it work. So far so good. I would like to ear from those who have hit 0 and above and are still going strong. We once met such a couple at a pub and they told us the secret is communication.

  • Pink
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko. Looking forward

  • Njooro
    08.01.2019

    Wish I was the fly in your email. I’d like to hear all those stories. The tales, the travails. It’ll be an epic series.

    Cheers mate

  • Bree
    08.01.2019

    Woow…. Looking forward to this series…

    Happy new year Biko and the gang too

  • Riziki
    08.01.2019

    I think am going to love this series.

  • F.K
    08.01.2019

    Am camping here for this. I hope when it comes to women. i will have the courage to share something to readers.

    1
  • wakanya
    08.01.2019

    i would like to hear the story of veteran ‘family man’ jackson kibor. at around 80 now has a story to tell us at 20s

    3
  • Doresi
    08.01.2019

    Dear Lord,
    May I never lack bundles in 2019, may no one ever disconnect the internet(by the way…where did this thing come from?)
    This is gonna be interesting

    4
    • Catherine
      10.01.2019

      Amen, You and me both Doresi

      1
  • Flozziekadjs
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko!

  • wakanya
    08.01.2019

    MEN AND MARRIAGE .This will be smookin!!! i would like to hear from veteran family man Jackson kibor. Jackson(s) have always good stories to tell

    2
  • Tindy
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko! I already love the series !!

  • Jules
    08.01.2019

    I am excited about this series, its like those preaching series at church, for one reason, it is helping men get into conversations, I was excited to see you want to talk to different kind of men but it literally blew my mind when you mentioned men in love with other men but are married, like wow…you have started on a serious HIGH, we could do two posts a week Biko.
    Happy New Year Gang

    4
  • Adobi
    08.01.2019

    Am already excited. Something to look forward to this year.

    Happy New Year Biko

  • Elsie Kangai
    08.01.2019

    These are un-chartered waters! I am camping here!

  • Jay
    08.01.2019

    Biko,

    Mental illness is also real in our society , talk to men who are affected and how they cope / awareness levels

    1
  • Winnie Kamau
    08.01.2019

    Looking forward anxiously happy new year

  • Mkash
    08.01.2019

    Be nice Chocolate man.. Sangria is an “exciting” drink… especially in Barcelona during summer Happy New Year

  • Mushie
    08.01.2019

    I will call you anything; a city, a fruit, even Pontius Pilate if you so wish. It doesn’t matter. …haha

    I cant wait for the series to start…Its going to be an awesome year here…

    Happy new year Gang!!!

  • Judith Adhiambo
    08.01.2019

    Last year I asked three married men (separately) what they wished they had known before they were married that would have helped in some way in their marriage and they all said they wished they had known there was no freedom in marriage… I asked them why and they gave funny answers like- not taking a shower for three days with nobody asking them questions. Maybe that meant something deeper, maybe it did not. I might find out in this series.

    Happy New Year 2019 Biko and all who are stuck here till eternity. Cheers to an interesting series!

    3
  • Miriam Mwangi
    08.01.2019

    This is so so funny
    “Perhaps some of you older veterans can tell them that nobody wears lingerie to bed daily because even Christmas comes once a year. Some days it’s a long, old t-shirt written, “Saving people money since 1998.”
    But Biko this is such a wonderful article. You are taking a really good turn. I can’t wait to read all these ‘man-yy’ stories!!

  • Nyamsville
    08.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko. I look forward to reading this.

  • Cate
    08.01.2019

    These are articles I am looking forward to..like you, I also want to learn most of the things you’ve mentioned about men in marriage.

  • Raphael
    08.01.2019

    A nice topic to begin the year. Can’t wait to read more. It’s clear the marriage institution has a lot of issues to talk about. You also want to check this piece https://motivationparlour.wordpress.com/2018/03/23/is-the-marriage-institution-under-siege-part-2/

  • Anthony
    08.01.2019

    Sounds like a very interesting project, Biko. I look forward to reading about your findings. I suspect this has the potential to turn into a movie.

  • Khoi Trizzah
    08.01.2019

    Happy 2019 Biko… Can’t wait….hope men will be comfortable to open up

  • Atoi
    08.01.2019

    Eagerly looking forward to this. Interesting reads ahead! Happy New year Biko!

  • Ocaampo
    08.01.2019

    “How does being broke as a husband affect your leadership and your relation?” <–Even before you officially open the forum I can tell you this is the basis for most divorces….seen two happen already. So this is how it goes….Jamaa loses job, starts hustling for another or a biz, missus starts making comments like "you need to go out look for a job" even when jamaa is doing his best to do it, at this time jamaa keeps calm and takes all shit (and what is it with some women and some derogatory or sarcastic comments), then a big opportunity comes up, the guy regains his voice, and stamps his foot really hard……then outsiders (read in laws and chama) start seeing something and saying "huu jamaa amechange vile amepata doo, ameanza kudharau bibi" kumbe jamaa had just kept it cool all this time, then wife begins to feel the same, everything goes south and finally the centre cant hold.

    2
  • N,, Beth
    08.01.2019

    Hehe don’t even know why I laughed through,,,, maybe I can be in the background as you interview them@biko

  • N,,, Beth
    08.01.2019

    Found this piece cool, you could have me in the background during the interviews

  • abdullah omar
    08.01.2019

    aah marriage!i dont want to be knotted into that boring inconvenience!not in 2019 not ever!

  • Wangechi
    08.01.2019

    Can’t wait for this series… understand the mind of a man

  • Martin
    08.01.2019

    I cant wait for this. We might just get the much needed pill..

  • Cynthia
    08.01.2019

    I cannot wait to read these stories. What a year this will be.

  • Sir Kev
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Gang. Looking forward to the series. God bless.

  • Nimo
    08.01.2019

    This should be interesting…

  • Splendid! Looking forward to these tales.
    The baby daddies should have a slot here…especially those who sow oats nonchalantly, then step away, those who have not contributed in any way, shape or form to the growth process of their kids.
    I’m talking about those with hearts of stone..how do they do it? How the heck do they eat, sleep, shower, go for social events knowing that a child they sired is thriving like a plant without their input?
    Some guys need a network of other guys, preferably a mix of young and elderly men, patriarchs who have led or are leading exemplary lives in their communities to teach them about fatherhood because abandonment of children is abominable, and coming 10 or 20 years to say sorry means squat. It just disrupts the present family dynamic.

    8
  • Fiona
    08.01.2019

    As a child of a polygamous family i must admit it comes with it’s pecks but what is truly important is that my dad makes sure all of us are happy. Over december we meet and be happy together of course some of us are faking but my mothers are happy and living their best life. Going to office parties the three of them and having drinks and laughing together. I often ask myself how my dad manages to keep both of them satisfied and not neglect one wife but he is the kind of person who doesn’t give a fuck so maybe that helps.
    I hope he really is happy as he potrays and not struggling in any way cause without him this family would crumble. He tames our ugly side.
    I am looking foward to this series. Happy new year Biko.

    6
  • Maureen
    08.01.2019

    This is a sooo deep and much needed series. Really looking forward…The humour though

  • Muthuri
    08.01.2019

    Check out user marriedafrican on Medium.

  • Julie
    08.01.2019

    Biko, speak to these men who abandon their kids and move on and forget. I would want to know their hearts and what makes them make such decisions.
    Biko, speak to these men takes care and love kids that are not biologically their and treat them so well as theirs.They are special bleed of men .Lets hear what they have to say

    2
  • Nkatha
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year.. cant wait for this series!!

  • Nyambura
    08.01.2019

    It’s a good over turn. Can’t wait to hear more

  • Erick
    08.01.2019

    This is a great move. I can’t wait for it to come up.

  • Ingweress
    08.01.2019

    Wow! I wish you would also talk to men with big buttocks. Buttocks that go thuch thach thuch thach when they walk. Men who were created with their mother’s bodies except for the genitals. How does it feel when they have it bigger than their women? Men who have been spanked by other men who thought they should be gay, but they aren’t. Men who can not hold longer because their butts are too heavy.
    I can’t wait for the first episode

    • kay
      09.01.2019

      really!!LOL but now that you mention this. he should also interview gay men pretending to be straight in marriages. the number is on the rise.

      1
  • Caleen
    08.01.2019

    Will be keenly following the series!

  • Altanativ Thinka
    08.01.2019

    Men who are married to violent women who chase you around the house with a pan and sit on your head until your feel your fingers go numb. …..Biko your imagination is hilarious….

    They say when you tell people your issues….80% don’t give a fuck and 20% are glad you are going though them, How often do your girlfriends come running to you with moto moto gossip about something their girlfriend shared in confidence…..?

    1
  • Nobert Nyandire
    08.01.2019

    Happy New year Biko. A very interesting readership, waiting for the series

  • Gilbert Mwangi
    08.01.2019

    This series is something to look forward to in 2019.
    Cant wait-especially for stories of men who have two wives who know each other-and are still alive.

  • Lyd
    08.01.2019

    What’s wrong with sangria though? This will be interesting. Happy new year Biko.

  • Lucile
    08.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko,
    Waiting for the 2019 series

  • Sheen Mukuna
    09.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko! I can’t wait for the series!

  • Youknees
    09.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko! Already can’t wait for this series to begin.

    1
  • Keith
    09.01.2019

    Intresting series, can’t wai to learn for those of us not yet into marriagr

  • Wawuda
    09.01.2019

    Happy new year biko… Say happy birthday to tamms

  • gladys
    09.01.2019

    men and marriage is a very sensitive but an interesting topic.it would be an eye opener to most of us.waiting to see.

    1
  • Catie Njeri
    09.01.2019

    Excited about this series. And at least know what awaits me on that side of the road.

  • Jennifer
    09.01.2019

    Honestly can’t wait, finally a chance to understand men, who they are and what they want. Biko you have done well.

  • kay
    09.01.2019

    i reaally love when you do a series.yay.. As a married woman it would be interesting to hear mens perspective on marriage and learn. i also have a friend who has a story to tell. let me forward this to him perhaps he may want to talk and perge.i think men need to purge. very healing.

    1
  • Oscar
    09.01.2019

    And then finally Tuesday came. It has been a long wait. Looking forward to the series ‘Men and Marriage’. Not so sure about the ‘Women and Marriage’ one though. But I know that they’ll both be insightful to those of us who are yet to cross the river and who have no idea whether there’s any river to be crossed anyway.

  • D.K
    09.01.2019

    This will be interesting. Can’t wait.

  • Moh
    09.01.2019

    Happy New Year! Can’t wait to have a peek into these incredible men’s lives. Good job Biko

  • Hope Wambui
    09.01.2019

    I cannot wait to read these phenomenal stories. Its about time society knows what really goes down after the wedding bells have rang.

  • Mwaura Mswati
    09.01.2019

    This is going to be an interesting, yet educative, series. So ready.

    Happy New Year!!

  • Njoroge Flo
    09.01.2019

    Happy New year Biko.Cannot wait to dive in.Great series to kick off the Year

  • Nita
    09.01.2019

    Can’t wait!
    Happy New Year Biko!

  • Gorety
    09.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko!

  • Hilda
    09.01.2019

    Interesting series I can’t wait to hear all about it.
    Happy new year too

  • Rmx
    09.01.2019

    Happy 2019 Sir. Jackson. I hold irresistible urge to these stories, I can’t wait to relate. As for ladies, here is a chance to learn about men and make some changes in your relationships…possibly

    2
  • Ezekiel Kuol Abuk
    09.01.2019

    It is high time for my fellow men to get rid of this mask and air out what they went through. Thank Biko for this nice piece.

  • Faith
    09.01.2019

    really looking forward to this series!

  • Kasakya Luke
    09.01.2019

    I am so looking forward to these series. especially as i am a young adult thinking of marrying in the next 2 to 3 years.

  • Hellen
    09.01.2019

    It’s gonna be a good year!! whoop! whoop !

  • MJ
    09.01.2019

    I have witnessed what substance addiction in marriage can do. Especially growing up knowing my hero as a preacher and today he isn’t the same.
    Being a lady and watching my dad carry all the weight by himself. Offering countless opportunities for help and still his ego/pride won’t allow him. Scares the sh*t out of me.(also married)

    • Ng'endo
      09.01.2019

      Sounds exciting. Maybe you could address men and mental health too in the series as that’s important in a man’s life and marriage.. I feel men need to know that, contrary to what society has told them, struggling alone and keeping a ‘brave face’ while at it doesn’t make one a man.. seeking help when one needs it is actually a sign of strength.

  • Mwass
    09.01.2019

    Happy New Year Chocolate Man(Thailand in my mind) Looking forwad to read all the articles this year. I wish I could feature but am not eligible coz am not married.

  • Girl x
    09.01.2019

    Speak also to preachers with big ministries… struggling with side plates…trapped in an already fallen apart marriage they dont want because leaving will cost them the work of the Lord. ….their credibility…their purpose.

    2
  • Mfalme Daudi
    09.01.2019

    Santa sana Biko,maudhui murwa kabisa ila tungoje tuone kama hawa mabingwa watafunguka roho maana doooh!!!

  • Dennis Mwai
    09.01.2019

    Happy new year Biko and the gang!
    Looking forward to the series.

  • Stan Ngure
    09.01.2019

    Good one chief! Looking forward to the series.

  • Anne
    09.01.2019

    Biko, you might wanna interview Ernest Wamboye and the work he is doing to provide a safe space for the men in his circle to share their issues. Talk to him about how he started? why? the challenges, and how other men can follow his lead. Just a suggestion. Here’s a link to his blog https://www.penstrokes.co.ke/

    4
  • Kkbe real
    09.01.2019

    And the men who refused/didn’t get married till they were senior bachelors. Why? Fear? Impossible standards? How did they overcome that?

  • Mutanu
    10.01.2019

    Happy new year Pontius Pilate! A hahaha. Looking forward to that series.

  • Karume
    10.01.2019

    Just got married, I am very excited about this series!

  • Jenipher Bala
    10.01.2019

    I have always believed that life is what you make it,including marriage……but the stories out there are heartbreaking. Looking forward to pick many good lessons. Good initiative Chocolate man!!!!

  • Simon Kaheru
    10.01.2019

    I am looking forward to reading EVERYTHING in this series! What a way to start the new year! Kudos and *insert gif of some Ugandan applauding a Kenyan athlete winning Gold…

  • Liz
    10.01.2019

    Looking forward to the series!
    Happy new year Biko.

  • cindy
    10.01.2019

    To be honest, i also come from polygamous family n my dad have not help the situation or neither of the family is happy.
    Haapy New year chocolate man.

  • Peter
    10.01.2019

    Hi Biko. Was sent this by a lady friend of mine and grateful she did. I like your writing style, humorous but still hitting the bullseye. Looking forward to reading more.

  • Sheeqow
    10.01.2019

    Finally, Can’t wait to have a peak and just cruise the mind of men for once.. Interesting year this is.. Masks Off gentlemen, there’s so much to learn here…

  • June Reeves
    10.01.2019

    Can’t wait for this series…check out my blog https://www.courageuse.org/

  • Teddy
    10.01.2019

    wow, many lives going to be touched here…

    i just learnt a new word that describes my life now….. stoic.

  • Redempta
    10.01.2019

    Looking forward to these stories, yaaaay!

  • Wams
    10.01.2019

    This is very interesting. Looking forward to it.

  • TansiDee
    10.01.2019

    Happy New Year ChocoMan

    Looking forward to the series already set for 2019’s

  • Ruth
    10.01.2019

    Let’s also hear from single fathers. Not widowed, the relationship just didn’t work so they took the kids.

  • JEANETTE
    10.01.2019

    Happy new year to you,I already have a feeling this will be the most exciting series.

  • Loise Wanjiku
    10.01.2019

    Happy New Year Biko.
    Can we also get to understand why men who have taken the commitment to marry go out and cheat with multiple women, at this time of AIDS expecting the marriage to survive or develop surrounded by infidelity and mistrust. Men are the main reason marriages fail. I don’t look forward to getting married because I don’t know of any married man who is honest and respectful.

    4
    • Dr. Sherry
      13.01.2019

      While it lasts a few minutes of “happy time” and some few thousands and bragging rights to your pals, a good time to reminds us all.
      1. Hepatitis A
      2. Hepatitis B
      3. Hepatitis C
      4. Human Papillomavirus
      5. Herpes Simplex Virus
      6. Syphilis
      7. Chlamydia
      8. Gastroenteritis
      9. Gonorrhea

      2
  • jetnimoh
    11.01.2019

    My prayer is that the men will actually open up and talk about their experiences, exceptions and all that. I hope we also get to talk about those who have dated over 7 to 10 year and commitment is not on their plate. What goes through their mind?

    1
    • Tanui
      11.01.2019

      why would they? when the women they are dating provides all they expect in marriage.. sex, clean house, clean laundry, home cooked meal and hell even kids…..

      2
      • Rita
        12.01.2019

        Sad fact Tanui and then ups and leaves the woman with the children to run around with other women. Who hurt these type of men.

        4
  • Dan
    11.01.2019

    @Biko FYI: Toni broke up with Birdman just in case you were not aware. 🙂

    3
  • Cynthia Wasike
    11.01.2019

    I can’t wait to read all those stories Biko

  • benmon
    11.01.2019

    Why do we naturally fall into missionary? Until you get married, you wouldn’t understand this.lol

    1
  • GacokiB
    11.01.2019

    Can hardly wait for this series!
    2019 be faya!

  • Kambua
    12.01.2019

    Having been married and my husband walked away from my two kids and I two years ago, I can say from experience that most men are selfish. And because of their narcissistic traits they will not realize the damage they cause their children. He chose to go out and continously cheat over being married. I don’t care any more about the why, I’m happy being a single mother of two precious kids. #ShootYourShot

    5
  • Elvira
    12.01.2019

    Waiting to read these stories. Happy New Year!

  • Peter
    12.01.2019

    Will community husbands also feature in this series?

    4
  • Abdihakim
    12.01.2019

    Starting the year on a high note. Your Tuesday dose is what we needed. Of course looking forward to “Men and marriage “.
    Happy new year to you too chocolate man

  • T
    13.01.2019

    Most men are selfish? Every human being alive is selfish, you do things for You. Even Mother Teresa did all good because she wanted to be remembered as a person who touched lives. Simple things like naming kids,many parents name kids names which They like,not names which they think would be beneficial or good for their child. So many aspects of selfishness all around. Human nature. Has nothing to do with marriage.

    2
  • Eric Omondi
    14.01.2019

    Fact: If your thirst for cheating is not over, kindly don’t marry. Marriages of today are collapsing due to high rates of cheating. Instead, just stay single and enjoy being a whore..

    3
  • Maina Gakere
    14.01.2019

    Great story. I can’t wait for the series. It will be good for those who are not dating and yet to experience marriage as well.

    Happy New Year to all!

  • KT
    15.01.2019

    Carry your loads for years and one day you will collapse. LOOOOOL #Truth

  • Eve Mwangi
    15.01.2019

    Super excited!!!! This will be a great year! Happy New Year Biko!

  • Grace Mwende
    15.01.2019

    here’s one more reason to look forward to this year.cheers

  • mercy
    15.01.2019

    This will be an interesting year 🙂

  • ole toirai
    15.01.2019

    You will have more than enough to publish even in 2020.
    Be prepared, the men will keep it short and brief.

  • Bourgeois
    16.01.2019

    Loving this, quite excited and looking forward to learning more about men. I have never understood them, especially having lived in another country for a while,It poses some difficulty, I really do wanna understand our men.

  • Ken Kanyiha
    17.01.2019

    Hey Biko,

    Men and Marriage will be an interesting and educative read.
    I want to suggest that you also talk to young men, the bachelors.
    What does marriage mean to them? What are their expectations of marriage? How are they prepared/preparing for it?
    An incite on what young men think of marriage would also be interesting.

    Regards.

  • Love
    17.01.2019

    Hmmmm let me prepare my favorite cup of tea, better still my carafe of Sangria because this year’s stories will definitely keep me indoors. I have a feeling the stories shared will serve as a great source of advice for single women like me and men as well. So guys please pour your hearts out and offload everything you might not get another chance to share your story anonymously while helping another person. Also tell your friends so that we can get as many stories as possible!

    1

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