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The ClothsHorse Wearing His Heart.

A beautiful brown coat hangs on the empty chair. It is checked and looks woollen, but I could be wrong because I’m the last person to comment on fabric. But I know silk and how it runs away from hands and feels – against cheeks – like a slow dance; under the coat’s collar is a sliver of silk with the word Zara on it. Seated next to the chair is the owner of this coat. He’s 44-years old. He has a very good job that requires you to wear a tie, like the one he’s wearing now at 3:30pm. You don’t have to know squat about ties to know that it’s a decent tie because what’s the point of wearing a Zara coat if you are going to ruin it with a tacky tie that looks like a rope for tethering a goat? He looks like the kind of guy who wakes up earlier than usual to take his time to shower, then takes more time picking out his clothes. He has on reddish/maroon shoes that could be Ted Bakers or some brand we have never heard of. I’m not sure of the name of the colour, but I know it’s the colour your get if you go to an abattoir and step on a pool of blood that dries on your shoes. Later when he stands I will notice his bow-legs. He walks like that actor guy that asphyxiates every bird that talks about his devastating looks. What’s his name? That guy who likes squinting in photographs, black British guy…arh, I forget his name.

Anyway, he has a diary and a pen and his owlish spectacles – the type lawyers who make a lot of money wear – sit next to his diary, which means his spectacles might be for reading or are cosmetic. Something that completes his style. His nails are well trimmed. He’s isn’t one of those chaps who grow the nail of their little finger like the type who belong to a cult. Our man here is the type of bloke that they call a clotheshorse.

He’s also single. A senior bachelor, if you will.

And that’s why I’m here with him; to ask him why he’s never married at 44-years of age. Which means there is a danger that I might start sounding like one of his aunts.

To answer this question he has to go back into his childhood and into his time in the US where he moved to when he was 17 years old and stayed for 22 years – basically half his adult life. He lived in Los Angeles, working in finance and strategy (he’s a numbers guy), held a big job at Walt Disney, became an American citizen at some point and then in 2013 packed his shit up and moved back home. He moved back because as the last born of many brothers who are out of the country, he had to come back to take care of his parents who are now in their 80s.

When he came he met someone. Someone nicer than most girls he has dated. Seven years younger. Someone from a prominent family, he says but won’t tell me which family. But like the rest of the women he has seen, he “was never fully in, both feet.” Soon he started withdrawing, started making excuses. “She was a really great woman, completely great, but I started finding faults in her. I started making her weight an issue, for instance. Just really silly excuses I made up.”

Eventually they broke up and he felt horrible about it, he says. So horrible that he met another lady soon after and started dating her.  This girl came from a poor background, worked hard, got scholarships to school abroad, came back, became successful and was making tons of money. “She was very temperamental, and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. We argued a lot and about everything from where we were going to stay on vacation to general outlook of life. I made so many compromises in this next relationship, perhaps from the guilt of the last one.”

They broke up.

“When I came back home from the US I realised that I wasn’t getting anywhere with our Kenyan women because of cultural differences,” he says. “In the US, dating, as with marriage, is an equal partnership. You consult on virtually everything – love, finance, family, planning and so forth. The words ‘the man is the head of the family’ would offend many girls in the US. When I came back I always treated the ladies as my equal but then I was shocked when the relationships failed,” he says. “But then I realised why I was failing – it’s because our women wanted a man to take charge, to make decisions. That applied to even successful women, according to my experience. I wasn’t leading. I only learnt my error at Man Enough and I changed, but still I wasn’t getting any luck.”

“What kind of chicks were you meeting?”

“Professional women, mostly, but also women who were only interested in my money.”

There are men who remember who they dated by election cycles. There are men who remember who they dated by the kind of car they were driving at that time. There are men who remember who they dated by where they were working at that time or where they were staying during that period. There are men who will say, “When I broke my leg and was hopping around in a cast, I was seeing this girl who would draw cartoons on my cast. She was pretty good.” Then there are men whose dating cycle is no longer than the short rains. His relationships were generally like that; meet a girl, wine her, dine her, after a few months start getting cold feet, then eventually pull the plug. His mother continued to “recommend” girls who she was sure would make good wives. Girls from other upstanding families. Girls who have been “tried and tested.” His mom would ask, “But why don’t you like her? She’s staunch in church and has masters and a good job….” He politely ignored them.

At some point he thought, hang on a second, what if I’m the one with the problem and not these girls? So he attended the Man Enough program at St Andrews. I haven’t been to this program but the way it sounds, it sounds like a place where they guide men on how to be man enough. (I know, I’ve said nothing). He finished this program and came out manned up to get his beak back into the dating game.

[Idris Elba! That’s the name of the bow-legged actor guy I was trying to remember, the one chicks go gaga over.]

“I learnt a lot about myself. I learnt that I was always the one sabotaging my relationships by refusing to be vulnerable to the women I dated.”

“What was holding you back?”

“My childhood,” he says. “When I was a boy my mom confided in me a lot since I was the last born and the one who was left at home. Mostly it was about her marriage to my father and the struggles of the business they ran. My therapist told me that it changed how I view relationships. That I was scared to go all in and so I always had one foot out.”

“Do you see your parents as happily married?”

“I saw them as happily raising children,” he says cryptically.

I ask him if being single at his age – 44- attracts a lot of cynicism from ladies.

“Yes! They ask themselves why you are single at 44. There must be something wrong with you.”

“Is there?” I ask. “Are their fears unfounded? I mean, if you were to evaluate yourself as a partner, what have been your limitations? Do you think you are complex to date?”

He laughs. “Well, I like my things to be a particular way. [Pause] I have OCD. I’m a Virgo; I’m not spontaneous, I’m very clean and organised, I get pissed off when people use a hand towel for a dish towel and when someone places a travel bag on the bed -”

“Hang on, why would that irritate you?”

“Do you know how many places a travel bag has sat? In the belly of the plane, the carousel…the travel bag is filthy.”

His mother continued praying for him and you know how mothers will throw your agenda in prayers randomly: “Also, Lord, you know the heart of my son, Lord, he is a special son, he doesn’t see the fruits that hang over his head. Jehovah, you know what he is searching for, please shine a torch in his heart, open his eyes and send a dutiful wife his way, someone God-fearing, she doesn’t even have to know how to cook mboco, just someone decent who doesn’t put a travel bag on his bed, that stuff gets him so pissed off, Lord…”

Then one day – last year – he met a lady who we will call Cleopatra because she reminded me of Cleopatra, the Egyptian queen that Julius Caesar loved. They met through mutual friends. He liked her. He liked her a lot. He felt something shift in him when he met her. “She ticked all the boxes,” he says. She was also 27-years old, which made her 17-years younger than him. She was light-skinned and curvy, the dangerous type of curves. She was an engineer, sharp as a whip, witty and personable. She challenged him. Also, she would never put a travelling bag on the bed.

He wooed her. He pursued her. He dropped everything to get her. Their first date after weeks of chatting was at that rooftop bar at Ibis hotel in Westlands. She had a vodka and sprite. She glowed from behind her glass. They talked and talked and talked until he kissed her. Their real date was at the rotating restaurant at Movenpick. The next date they left town, drove to Meru and Nyeri, she had on a great nail polish and her feet were wonderful – when you are into someone you will always think their feet are wonderful. On her birthday she took him to Hemingway in Karen, and got a room that overlooks Ngong Hills. She’d stand in the bathrobe looking at the breathtaking Ngong Hills and he’d lie on bed looking at her breathtaking self. On his birthday (their birthdays are a week apart) she took him to Kempinski. This love affair was in full swing.

“What I like most is her bubbly nature, she laughs easily. She has a wonderful spirit, a spirit that is big but also a bit defiant. I love her independence. She loves art, she stimulated me intellectually She was perfect and I let go for the first time and I was in with both legs.”

They discussed marriage. He wanted children. She wanted children. She was just the perfect fit (over and above the fact that she didn’t leave travel bags on the bed) she used the right towel, she gave him space when he needed space, she was mindful and caring and he brought her breakfast in bed.

A few months into dating he noticed that some of her things in his house were missing. He asked her about it and she said that she wanted some time to “think things through.” He was taken aback because things were going great. “What do you mean? What things?” She said she needed time to rethink the relationship. So she took time off. Then on 31st December, last year, she came to his house and told him that she couldn’t do it. That their age was going to be a problem for her family. “It hit me so hard,” he says. “I tried to understand what was going on, I even suggested we see a counsellor, but she was adamant. Her mind was already made up.”

“This was terrible because this is the only woman I ever completely let go for. Maybe it’s karma, maybe I was paying for all the girls I disappointed.” Shrug. “I even wrote a letter to her sister declaring my love to her sister and she wrote back and said she didn’t have a problem with my age. I thought that maybe there was someone else, you know…”

“What’s your state of mind now?”

“Heartbroken, I guess.” He chuckles.

“How does that feel? Does your house sound hollow with her absence? Do you smell her on your sheets?”

He laughs, but I’m not joking, I’m serious, I want to know. He says, “Sometimes I think that perhaps God is saving me, that being together, marrying would have been disastrous because perhaps she needs to live her life first.”

“Kiss a few frogs?”

“Yeah.”

“My friends say I should give her time. That she will come back.”

“How long can you wait, you are 44. Is there a biological clock ticking?”

“I don’t know. It’s just that I was sure this was the person I wanted to marry, now I’m in this place of confusion. My view is if you are not going to have kids then there is never any reason for marriage. There are many people who are happier not married.”

This is his first heartbreak. I wonder if heartbreaks at 44 are as bad as at 19 years. My only real heartbreak at 19, I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater. I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder.

I ask if I can see a picture of this heartbreaker. He shows me a picture of them at his birthday; they are kissing. I’ve never known how couples manage to kiss and take a selfie at the same time. There is another picture of her alone; she’s got a wonderful smile, she’s got black braids.

“She’s very beautiful, that’s for sure,” I say.

“I like the size 10s and 12s. You can tell I’m a boob guy.”

I laugh. “I can tell. I don’t meet boob-guys often, where do you guys hang out?” He laughs. I tell him, “You know, sometimes when I look at a couples picture I can always almost tell who loves the other more.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. The person who normally leans into the other in all pictures is more invested emotionally. It’s a subliminal and unconscious thing. Do you think you loved her more than she loved you?” I ask.

“That’s a hard one. Let’s put it this way; she is the kind of woman who I would stand by if she  was rendered to a wheelchair for life. In fact, I would have been willing to stay with her even if she had said she didn’t want children. Look, let me show you my vision statement for 2019.” He hands me his phone where I read his vision statement that read in parts; live a balanced and meaningful and purposeful life for me and my family….to live a life that earns the love and respect of my partner and our family….to be personally responsible for my family’s financial independence…to be courageous enough to stand up for my values…” then his plans to travel to 32 countries, a home, etc.  

“Jesus, people out there actually have ‘vision statements of life’ written down!” I say handing back the phone. “I feel so purposeless now.”

We sit there for a moment and I tell him. “I can actually see sadness in your eyes.”

He’s ideally looking for someone who can get married and have babies. I ask him what he’s bringing to the table and he says he’s considerate, he’s not mean-spirited and not judgemental. For now he lives a life of heartbreak. At the end of his day he goes back home to his empty three-bedroom apartment, he fixes a drink like he has always done everyday – a manhattan, or a vesper casino royale. He carries the drink to his bedroom, where he drinks it as he checks his emails or gets some work done. The TV is on but ignored. He then prepares dinner, which he carries back to his bedroom (he does everything in the bedroom) eats alone, then calls his parents on the phone. Then he takes a bath and gets into bed and lies on the side he has always laid on, her side untouched. He thinks of her before he sleeps. He wonders if there was more to the break up, if she is with someone else, younger than him; he thinks of how she used to pack his lunch in the mornings, he wonders if there is something she didn’t like about him.

I feel sorry for him. I do. Because he’s so damn sad. As if on cue, a lady friend sends me a Whatsapp that reads; I quote: “Where does one get good men? Hassle free…no drama…focused?”

I show it to him and he reads it. I say, “It’s amazing isn’t it? She doesn’t know that I’m meeting you. We haven’t even spoken in ages and she sends this. There is a woman out there who is looking for someone like you. Maybe you guys will meet, maybe you will never meet.”

He says something before we part ways. He says, “I wish she changes her mind, but the waiting is horrible.”

****

The registration for the Creative Writing Masterclass is now open. It’s on March 6-8th. To register please email info@bikozulu.co.ke We have 14 slots left to go.

210 Responses
  • Josphat
    29.01.2019

    Been waiting for this post anxiously…

    4
  • Josphat
    29.01.2019

    Been waiting for this post anxiously…great

  • Caleb Samita
    29.01.2019

    Hi Teryl,

    I think i cross over to 2019 from next week. It’s been real… See you at the bottom 😀 (see what I did there?)

    4
    • TERYL
      29.01.2019

      Hahahahha,Hi Caleb.I see you didn’t make it this time round.However,I must appreciate your effort in the past two weeks,kudos.

      NB:The bottom is fully occupied already,sorry

      1
      • Caleb samita
        29.01.2019

        I know right!!! And the way I was ready for my triumphant exit… but it’s all good.

        Damn, since I can’t be at the bottom, I guess I’ll just have to join the likes section

        1
        • TERYL
          29.01.2019

          I’m loving the humility that you have recently acquired hahaha.
          See you at the likes section next week.

          3
  • kavutha
    29.01.2019

    been waiting all morning for the article had begun wondering no article today

    1
  • Fan
    29.01.2019

    “..My only real heartbreak at 19, I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater.I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder…”
    So true!!

    12
  • Nasike
    29.01.2019

    ..My only real heartbreak at 19, I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater…”

    So true!!

    Lovely as always Biko!

    1
  • Bree
    29.01.2019

    But this life… save for the OCD, I resonate with this senior bachelor on so many levels!!

    But we shall live a day at a time and take everything as it comes…

    25
  • TheBlackKennedy
    29.01.2019

    It’s a crazy world out here…

    Time lessens all pains.

    ALL PAINS

    8
  • Kwamboka
    29.01.2019

    Black British actor with devastating looks. I knew you were referring to Idris Elba before you said it. Nice read

    15
  • Wesh - Peter Wesh
    29.01.2019

    You and me both Biko. I do not know how to sit and write my vision statement for the year. And its not like I don’t know what I want to do but then it’s all up in my head. The bigger picture. So when I meet someone with a vision statement, motto and sub-objectives all written down I sometimes wonder which fabric our good lord used to make me. But it is all good because the one-day-at-a-time sorta-winging-it thing has worked. So we are in this together. WhatsApp group for our kind maybe?

    Love is cryptic. I have made peace with the fact that there is no blueprint. No perfect age for everyone and no guarantees. We simply wait for the twisting kaleidoscope to move us all in turn. Because everyone gets their turn. We pray for patience. We call our moms and hear them pray for us to be patient. We remain thankful. And we don’t lose hope.

    98
    • I need to self-appoint myself as auntie.
      I will be checking up on Wesh, Cliff the tall and Magunga.
      By the time you guys cross into third floor, I need to have attended your weddings, eaten pilau, danced and brought my gifts.
      I’m a good auntie too..the prayer-warrior types who just don’t hover around aimlessly..but put in a word with the Most High on your behalf..that you guys may settle down with good women, and that your homes will be filled with many tots.
      Amen!

      48
      • clif the tall
        29.01.2019

        Thank you Caroline. I appreciate. Now that i’m already in the third floor haiweeeiii harusi is around the corner.

        7
        • Ari Agwera
          29.01.2019

          I want hoping to come here faster than Cliff….

          Is the wedding date set??

      • Wesh - Peter Wesh
        30.01.2019

        Ah Carol, that’s just the type of auntie we all want. I definitely want to marry just at the brink of third floor so this comes well received. And glad to see Cliff already in the plans.

        2
    • Jaja
      12.02.2019

      I love your insights…..Love is Cryptic. I have made peace with the fact that there is no blueprint…… Couldn’t have said it better. Am waiting for my mom’s prayers to be answered……………

  • Mark
    29.01.2019

    His nails are well trimmed. He’s isn’t one of those chaps who grow the nail of their little finger like the type who belong to a cult.

    I haven’t had time to complete reading this post but hitherto, I am satisfied. What is the appeal of that fingernail? I literally cringe when I see a man who lets that nail grow. Some even grow the nail on both hands. It’s sick. It’s disgusting and if anyone knows someone who does this you need to stage an intervention.
    My little brother tried this once, I slapped him so hard… I’m not proud of slapping him, I’m just saying it bore results.

    Anyway, I know the rest of the post is, as the kids say, “lit”. And I can’t wait to finish it after I’m done with all these emails.

    Regards.

    50
    • passerby
      29.01.2019

      i cant even date a guy with long nails.i just cant.its one of my deal breakers.

      8
    • Bee
      29.01.2019

      I am a lady. I keep long nails. I love my nails more than my hair, shoes or what I wear. While growing up, i read Across the bridge around Std 5. It had a Caroline, the cover page was a woman who had make up on and a sly sexy look.

      This book was really an eye opener. Especially if you grew up naive about sexual matters.

      Strangely, the author decided that this small long nails in men, is kept to test virginity. I was annoyed, disgusted and te picture of ugly men`s nails couldn’t leave my 11 year old mind. I dont like this nail. To date. My hubby keeps the two small long nails. I met him like that. Someday he must know what I truly think about it.

      4
      • Bomz
        30.01.2019

        Go to the Biko therapy corner. This is deep!

        6
        • Qwerty
          01.02.2019

          Is that a real thing??
          Because I’d love to be the first one to sign up for that.

        • Wanjeezy
          19.02.2019

          A support group should be created at this rate. wah I need a hug

  • Titus
    29.01.2019

    “His nails are well trimmed. He’s isn’t one of those chaps who grow the nail of their little finger like the type who belong to a cult. Our man here is the type of bloke that they call a clotheshorse”

    You didn’t have to go there. I’m a member of this cult

    4
    • Ronald
      29.01.2019

      Carry your shame dude. It’s all yours. Carry all the heap and budden it come with. How can you? And no, no hugs for you. Not even bro hugs. Just go away in shame, bro.

      44
      • Nyokabi
        29.01.2019

        You are mean!!! Hahaha

        2
  • The car dealer
    29.01.2019

    Biko tell him the best way to get over a girl is to get on top of another one! Let him get a rebound girl blow some steam and let him get out how do you stay indoors with a heartbreak?? It’s a bad idea. He needs friends! His life sounds very lonely no deserves to live like that.

    5
    • passerby
      29.01.2019

      he is at that point where he is looking for a wife not a series of one night stands that will leave him feeling even more empty. let him nurse his hearbreak. its the healthier option

      32
    • Wahito
      30.01.2019

      No, he must wallow in that heartbreak…it’s his first then he’ll learn like the rest of us did at 22 not to love wholeheartedly because it’s a whirlpool of heartache that never really goes away and keeps popping back in every relationship, yes even ten years later. Let him wallow, no rebounds.

      Wallow then heal and do better, love a little less next(/each) time.

      2
    • Wambani
      20.02.2019

      From the read…he is not that type of guy who just gets on top of a girl to forget another….this is a deep kinda fella… he will heal in his own way … ..

  • TERYL
    29.01.2019

    Poor man. I hope she changes her mind and make this guy happy again.

    ‘when i brokey leg and was hopping around in a cast,i was seeing this girl who would draw cartoons on my cast’ Hahaha this is so funny Biko.
    Also,i would definately be that girl drawing the cartoons hehehe
    Nice read as always.

    3
  • kavutha
    29.01.2019

    ooh God but why does the good ones have to be myles away,

    2
  • Nava
    29.01.2019

    The title of the piece has left me at sea.

    2
  • Jack N.
    29.01.2019

    Those that you fall for flat out mostly doesnt work out.
    The substandard casual affairs that begin as passtime are those that get to the altar.
    Fate is tricky.

    5
  • Bon
    29.01.2019

    If guys are having their year’s vision written down, I also feel purposelessness in me already

    1
  • Dorin Kaungania
    29.01.2019

    Biko i think you are one talented chap. This series has opened so much insight how man thinks. Keep up the good work.

    4
  • Caleen
    29.01.2019

    Where do women get such men? May she come back to him but if not,may he find a good woman, everybody deserves love!

    3
  • Philip
    29.01.2019

    Good read. Let time heal and get someone else. But above all, may his heartbreaker come back

    1
  • Stained Soul
    29.01.2019

    The saddest part of the post, Him waiting for Her. She won’t come back that matatu has left the station! Cruel, I know, but I think it is time to wake up and smell the coffee.

    3
  • One of the few times I’ve come here, read something and actually felt sorry for the guy. I never feel sorry for men..I think many of them get away with alot of BS thanks to patriarchy and ‘male privilege’ and that makes me upset…nay, hopping mad!! *red-face angry emoji*
    I was really rooting for his relationship, and for the beautiful babies waiting in the wings, to come down to earth through them.
    Anywho…he should keep his hopes alive, get out more, travel..live a life full of activity…the right person will come through, in time.

    21
    • Stained Soul
      29.01.2019

      Caroline, no need to get hopping mad at the things that men get to get away with, maybe it is a reward for being men and manning up. Sometimes we men deserve some compassion, we put up with a lot of social pressure and expectations and we are NEVER ever to cry except maybe at our mother’s funeral. But I doubt that she is coming back.

      8
    • Mware
      29.01.2019

      Feminism is poisonous.

      3
    • SN
      01.02.2019

      There is always a rabid feminist lurking around somewhere…

  • Anne Komen
    29.01.2019

    I feel him. But he should know that age is but a number. It never matters so much. I’ve always pushed people away from my life too until I think to myself is something wrong with me? Can’t hold a relationship. Oh and I have never dated a guy who is older than me. I have a babyish face and younger guys are attracted to me

    6
  • Gingermay
    29.01.2019

    Yeah. The person who normally leans into the other in all pictures is more invested emotionally. It’s a subliminal and unconscious thing. Do you think you loved her more than she loved you?” I ask.

    This was really sad though,

    4
  • passerby
    29.01.2019

    she wasn’t ready to settle.27 years may seem mature but in this generation, not really. he needs to find a woman closer to his age,someone 35 years old and above who has been there done that and is not curious of what else is out there. she would have eventually resented him for making her settle down before she was ready. i was in this very scenario few years ago. the guy was 38 i was 26 thought he was the love of my life. but we had one difference. he wanted a wife and i was not willing to be one.as a free spirit i wanted to travel go out , smoke some weed etc and not be home raising babies. we are both happily married to other people and are parents now. we still talk and laugh at how the timing was just off for us. we just wanted diff things. in relationships. timing is everything.

    12
  • Nanna
    29.01.2019

    That feeling hanging around when a partner leaves is what weighs us all down, Me included. It takes time to shed off the person you thought would stick around, love you, walk down the aisle, grow old together. All I can tell him is when he is ready, to go out there, all in and not give up. This thing called dating is a mystery and when you are lucky enough to find your partner for life, well count yourself Blessed. Interesting read Biko.

    2
  • Onesmus
    29.01.2019

    “I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder”
    this is the perfect description at 19!!

    3
    • Hadi
      29.01.2019

      I was wondering if no one else would bring up the gallbladder. It is very important.

      2
      • You can live without a gall bladder though…many folks have had a cholecystectomy. *gallbladder surgery.*

        2
  • Wangui
    29.01.2019

    Wow! It’s quite interesting to hear a man’s perspective on heartbreak and how he is dealing with it! Great read Biko!

    1
  • Tina
    29.01.2019

    Very Insightful…..

  • Nyambura
    29.01.2019

    I am waiting for a story on this series that will make me bawl

    1
  • Dorothy Maina
    29.01.2019

    Wow!! In the meantime, as he waits for her to return, I pray he discovers himself more and has lots of fun meeting new people. Only with time shall everything fall in place.

  • Kristin
    29.01.2019

    Nice read as always…. I had to read even though the lecturer was teaching …

  • Napster
    29.01.2019

    I’m not surprised at all by the gentleman’s apparent serial monogamy. It probably says something about his ability to commit – that he’s been able to find women he likes enough to date for multiple years but can’t “pull the trigger,” oh well, that’s until Cleopatra one-upped him. And perhaps this is what led to Cleopatra’s New Year’s Eve decision. She wondered whether she was going to join the ranks of women whose company he’ll enjoy for some time and then move on from, no? And to this I ask: what does her dating history say about her ability to commit?

    Clearly, as human beings, majority of us haven’t found a “successful” relationship yet, if we’re defining “successful” as a relationship that doesn’t end at some point. Does that mean we’re unable to have a long-lasting relationship that could potentially lead to marriage? And if we have had a relationship that has led to marriage, we’re clearly no longer married, so does that mean we lack the ability to make a marriage succeed? In my opinion, I think the gentleman for a long while was worried about committing to someone whose track record didn’t include a successful commitment.

    With that said, if everyone who entered marriage judged his or her future spouse’s ability to commit based on the success of their previous relationships, then none of us would be feeling too confident about our choices, would we? Every single relationship ends until you find one that doesn’t – and even then, you can’t be 100% sure of its success until one of you dies. And since death legally ends a marriage, that effectively means that every single relationship and every single marriage will end one day. So, it’s kind of silly to judge someone’s ability to commit based on his lack of successful previous relationships.

    Yes, there are risks in dating a man in his 40s who has never been married before. But there are risks in dating anyone, period. Love is a battleground, no matter who the soldiers are or what side you’re fighting for. Every time you open your heart to someone new, whether his or her past is dotted with red flags or as tidy as a freshly-mowed lawn, you risk getting hurt.

    So, to the gentleman who loves Zara, I’ll say: kiss as many frogs as possible, man. If she’s treating you well, you’re enjoying her company, and she’s showing a willingness and desire to learn about you, make you happy, and move the relationship forward, then for Chrissake, enjoy yourself! Unless there’s a legitimate reason in your relationship to feel anxious, don’t go fishing in each other’s pasts for one. Current relationships take enough work without dragging in issues from former ones to deal with.

    45
    • Eddie
      29.01.2019

      Napster yawa, that was a worthy lecture

      4
    • Lucy
      29.01.2019

      Well said…
      This 44-year old sounds like a gem- but he needs to believe it. A man who has a vision statement, is clean, keeps bags off the bed, dresses like a Kingsman- heaven. I wonder if he has a rack for the luggage or a palette, hmmm. BUT, and its a big one, life is about letting go so that we can make room for something else. He has no room in his 3 bedroom apartment, no room in his heart for happiness. That is a prison without walls, and only he holds the key. I am loathe to give advise in a public forum, worst still, unsolicited advice, it begs to be said. let go of that soul tie- be more committed to your vision than to your unhappiness. It’s not about the chronos, more about kronos- making what counts count! All the best Mr. 44, you would learn by now that time and tide…when she comes back, you will have evolved, she will have evolved, become more of you…ok, enough.

      17
      • Napster
        29.01.2019

        That is true. If Cleopatra isn’t the one for him, he’ll figure it out eventually. We may not figure it out before experiencing a broken heart, but if we only pursue relationships in which we’re guaranteed to avoid heartache, we’ll never find a meaningful connection. And isn’t that more important to us than sparing ourselves a few weeks of sadness, no?

        7
    • Joel
      30.01.2019

      Great comment, I believe that most relationships don’t last because people don’t get into with the right intentions and marriages of today are a non existent. When men marry in their 30s, they end up divorced by their 40s. Failure to keep the marriage is mostly based on infidelity on the part of the men. 44 you are in a better place than most.

      5
    • Missy
      02.02.2019

      Napster,wisdom is flowing from you. True.

      1
    • Siberian Comic
      03.02.2019

      Amazingly profound!

      1
  • clif_the_tall
    29.01.2019

    This article hit harder than my father’s belt back in the days.
    Well, sometimes love is so elusive. Love can be fleeting thing. You see it there and it is fluttering and it is gone. Just like that.

    19
  • Eddie
    29.01.2019

    Oooh man. The journey does continue

  • Nick, walking around without a heart ♥
    29.01.2019

    …. I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater. I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder….
    I can relate to this.
    Nice read as always.

    3
    • Neelah
      29.01.2019

      Could the experience have anything to do with your name!!!!its funny

      2
  • EddyJ
    29.01.2019

    It felt so hurried. I didn’t feel the man’s heartbreak was intense, even. I couldn’t envision the man’s heart bleeding out of the anguish and disillusionment that heart breaks carry. Next up, I want you Biko maybe to address men’s struggle with “size matters.” Me thinks, a lot of them, a good percentage of them, have this nagging feeling of not “big enough.” Happy Tuesday gang.

    8
    • Val
      29.01.2019

      Totally agree with you. Even though I’m not a man

      2
    • Missy
      02.02.2019

      That would make for an I sightful read.

  • Christine
    29.01.2019

    Kweli dunia mviringo … that he’s there swooning over a girl while another girl is swooning over him elsewhere, sad. Also, is his name Kim?

    7
  • Sipho
    29.01.2019

    I love this read Biko. Sometimes some of us humans trap ourselves by staying in some love caves for the sake of not wanting to loose the one you thought is meant for you. We get stuckin thinking we must fight for the relationship by staying because we think we are loved, or we love, or the person is ours therefore we need to learn and understand them better. Yet, everything is about the relationship is a challenge: from the time you will meet, to the shows you want to see but never seem to make it.

    And as always we sit and pray for time and love to only prove us wrong, in truth we felt and knew from the beggining that we are not meant to keep that lover, he or she is meant to teach us and leave us. a terrible tale, which I *personally* always find hard to accept.

    Love your work Biko,

    Bless.

    12
    • Immaculate
      29.01.2019

      Well said…I agree 100%.

    • GK
      29.01.2019

      I am in complete agreement with you.

    • Ciru K
      29.01.2019

      I am in complete agreement with you.

  • WaMuthee
    29.01.2019

    Ok, who’s cutting the onions in here???

    2
  • jetnimoh
    29.01.2019

    ” live a balanced and meaningful and purposeful life for me and my family….to live a life that earns the love and respect of my partner and our family….to be personally responsible for my family’s financial independence…to be courageous enough to stand up for my values…”
    Enough said

    1
  • Anne
    29.01.2019

    She ain’t coming back. Sad but true.

    3
  • K
    29.01.2019

    Damn! That’s sad 🙁

  • HSK
    29.01.2019

    To some, things just flow without breaking a sweat, to others, it is a real struggle. Some give up and others hang on to hope. This world is for those who hand on for longer and look at the bigger picture. There is more to life than convectional set standards for a happy and fulfilling life. But then, why sweat and spend long hours working when one does not have someone to eat his or her fruit of hard work?

  • lena
    29.01.2019

    I thought vision statements are for employers…learning something new everyday. In one way This story resonates..you just helped me put my thoughts into words.

    One thing i experienced about waiting is that it is such a powerless position to be in, especially if you are use to being in charge of your affairs. it is a humbling moment., almost desperate. but slowly…and over time..over months or even years, you eventually accept and see the futility of your wait. Then you rise up and take charge of your life again. and your mind is free once more, you can almost physically feel the lightness . You start cooking and sitting at the table to eat. you do recipes and experiment on wines. You begin meeting other people that you think are actually interesting.

    I let go at 40. and i am living once again. I pray the same for you Zara man.

    18
  • Dee
    29.01.2019

    Is it just me who thought of the Doc ( I think she was from TZ or working in TZ, cannot really remember) that was “searching” as i finished this? Biko should play a match maker ; just saying

    5
  • shii
    29.01.2019

    love hurts,it really does

    1
  • Mueni
    29.01.2019

    What if she wasn’t happy? What if he didn’t fit in her ‘right partner’ description. I feel for him, and for her too, we don’t know her side of the story.

    2
  • Nyambura Kagwe
    29.01.2019

    I love this story but feel sad for him at the same time,maybe she’ll change her mind and come back,maybe not(she’s also a Virgo…hmmm)

    But he’s a Virgo, earth signs take their damn time…he’s not late. Most of them settle down in their late 40’s so he’s right on track.

    But Biko,do you have anything against Idris? Lol

    3
  • Wahito
    29.01.2019

    Lol ,I love the prayers. Moms are the best.

    1
  • Nyambura Kagwe
    29.01.2019

    Love is great but also elusive.But also he should trust Divine Timing…..

    Everything happens at the right time.

    If it’s meant to be,it will be.

    3
  • churchill salmon
    29.01.2019

    Unlucky warrior, hook them up but first tell the lady the warrior gets easily offended with travel bags put in wrong places-Relationship hack for her.

    1
  • Mikey
    29.01.2019

    …… Remember, Red (Zara guy). Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies……

    Andy Dufrene (Shawshank)

  • LIZ
    29.01.2019

    its breathe taking. wow

  • Wambura
    29.01.2019

    Sad read….i hope she comes back because he will always remember her.

  • Maxine
    29.01.2019

    Man i feel sorry for this guy, just when you have given your all and it comes crumbling down.

  • Mary
    29.01.2019

    And i ask the same question; where can you get a good man? one who would love you together with your son?
    Ahem!

    4
  • Irene
    29.01.2019

    My take, Karma is a bitch, next time the jerk ass guy thinks of breaking someone else’s heart, he will know it sucks! Karma is real.

    8
    • Bee
      29.01.2019

      He did break someone’s heart

    • Chaguo la moyo
      05.02.2019

      Irene sounds like you’ve been hurt. Hope you have not left a trail of bleeding hearts and you still manage to call people jerks. Karma…but do we ever learn?

  • Val
    29.01.2019

    Hmmm… Biko I’m not quite sure what I expected from this ‘man series’ but what I’ve read so far hmmmm….. still waiting for the ‘The one’

  • Emmy
    29.01.2019

    I stopped at Idris Elba, really Biko? Who forgets hottie Idris? Styliish dude,that’s a plus. He should give it time and not worry about it so much.Heartbreaks suck but I understand that he needs to wallow in it for a minute.I think that when a woman decides to leave,her mind is pretty much made up. He should embrace being single and work on himself some more( He already has his shit together from the looks of it) and just give it time. The right woman is bound to show up when he least expects it. Expectations have a way of bringing disappointment. A piece of advice, it wouldn’t hurt to date outside one’s type and also he should get out more,meet new people and find a hobby to get is mind off things. I wish him well.

  • Switch
    29.01.2019

    I learnt that I was always the one sabotaging my relationships by refusing to be vulnerable to the women I dated.
    By refusing t be vulnerable. That’s a lot of hassle.

    1
  • Priscy_Shuga
    29.01.2019

    ……..“”My view is if you are not going to have kids then there is never any reason for marriage. There are many people who are happier not married.”
    Couldn’t have said it better . This is one great article, truly resonated with me in all kinds of ways mostly the OCD and vision statement. Dating in this generation is a maze literally.
    Where does one find good men though?

    This is another amazing piece Biko!!! Kudos.

    1
  • Cat
    29.01.2019

    Honestly, does the age gap difference really matter?

    1
  • Anthony
    29.01.2019

    Move on bro. Get your act together and accept it’s over. It was good when it lasted.

  • Jack N.
    29.01.2019

    Those that you love fully mostly doesnt materialize into marriage.
    Those that are passtime thing n almost certain that nothing much will materialize are the life partners.
    Fate is tricky.

    2
  • Judith
    29.01.2019

    Life has a cruel sense of humor

    2
  • Emmy
    29.01.2019

    Brains are the new tits.

    4
  • Pam
    29.01.2019

    The devil is in the details you don’t need to know another why apart from the age gap excuse she gave you because you will be more hurt than you are right now.

    1
  • Tichie K
    29.01.2019

    What a lovely read Biko. I know men that wear Zara and Baker shoes, well lets say have it all together. I wish she comes back, it’s not easy waiting, but I know she’ll be worth the wait. Wishing the Man that wears Zara well.

  • Judith
    29.01.2019

    Life has a cruel sense of humor. She might come back back one day. When he’s 60.

  • jennifer
    29.01.2019

    i hope he finds love again.woishe

  • Lucy
    29.01.2019

    Your 44-year old sounds like a gem- but he needs to believe it. A man who has a vision statement, is clean, keeps bags off the bed, dresses like a Kingsman- precious. I wonder if he has a rack for the luggage or a palette, hmmm. BUT, and its a big one, life is about letting go so that we can make room for something else. He has no room in his 3 bedroom apartment, no room in his heart for happiness. That is a prison without walls, and only he holds the key. I am loathe to give advise in a public forum, worst still, unsolicited advice, it begs to be said. let go of that soul tie- be more committed to your vision than to your unhappiness. It’s not about the chronos, more about kronos- making what counts count! All the best Mr. 44, you would learn by now that time and tide…when she comes back, you will have evolved, she will have evolved, become more of you…ok, enough.

  • Chelimo
    29.01.2019

    Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did; a sense of grounding, meaning and continuity…

    3
    • Lynnah
      31.01.2019

      And expect one person to be everything;soul mate, best friend, lover, advisor, mentor, care taker, provider and much more . Relationships need to evolve.

      3
  • June Reeves
    29.01.2019

    Us, single god ladies been looking for them good guys and here is one…my contacts are……..(you do store our email addresses right Biko). In the meantime you can enjoy my blog https://www.courageuse.org/

    3
  • Wanyina
    29.01.2019

    Heh! Enyewe you never go through the same things alone. I am learning that its okay, it’s not you it is them, nature hates vacuum and many other things. It is okay to feel that way. Maybe one day, we will heal.

    1
  • Kelvin
    29.01.2019

    Nice article. One of the few sites i don’t regret subscribing to .

    2
  • Dorothy
    29.01.2019

    I enjoyed this read. I knew the name Idris Elba would come up at some point. Hope your friend meets another lovely person…..the key as he said at some point is to “let go of himself”.

  • JB
    29.01.2019

    Karma!
    On the real though, if she does come back will it really work? I think there’ll be trust issues. He’s more in love with the memory of her now than of her the person. Trust me it won’t be the same even if she does come back. Try and move on. Try being the key word.

    6
  • Louis Wamukoya
    29.01.2019

    Yeah, the waiting is horrible BUT ” a day at a time'”. Nice read

  • Wonder
    29.01.2019

    I did not anticipate the ending. It is so so sad. If it were a lady going through the same I’d quickly tell her to move on, that a man who loved you wouldn’t leave. But what do you tell a man in the same position? Move on, focus on your health and wealth, get a skincare routine, travel, get closer to God? It’s tough. As a lady who always finds a reason to get out of a relationship, I think the lady might come back, but she will leave again, and again, and again. The age gap that she found an issue with makes her feel like she has time to explore other options. Who wants to be someone one comes back to after all other alternatives don’t pan out? Who wants to be like the childhood home one goes back to after losing everything in the city? Food for thought. But, whether she comes back now or later, he should not close himself off. 44 is very young, and there are a lot of good women out there. Also, the world is big. Nurse your heartbreak and make sure you do not become Lord Egerton. Also, my mum is single, independent and only 2 years older than you *hint* *hint*

    10
  • Eunice
    29.01.2019

    I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder……
    I know this feeling, and good thing is that it passes. So will this horrible wait, it will pass.

    2
  • rose
    29.01.2019

    Maybe, just maybe, the girl left him for a petty reason just as he had done to other girls. A taste of his own medicine. We may never know. That said, hope this man finds love.

    4
  • L
    29.01.2019

    She’ll be back! I know because I had the exact same issues but I went back. Luckily I was taken back too. Now we’re happily married.

    7
  • Kami
    29.01.2019

    I have felt his heartbreak through the story… Be encouraged that this too shall pass

  • Chebs
    29.01.2019

    …….”My view is if you are not going to have kids then there is never any reason for marriage”…..

    I hope someday he’ll find love.
    ION, is there a man aged >32, who would like a relationship leading to a child-free marriage? asking for a cousin 😉

    2
  • Your banker
    29.01.2019

    Yes. There are boob guys out here. We do exist.

  • abdullah omar
    29.01.2019

    when the things that attract u to a girl are her boobs or legs be sure u are trapped and then u dont have much to hold on once they sag away or bend under the weights!u end up as u began.not truly tried and tested.

    2
    • Tasha
      30.01.2019

      LOL. Say it louder for those at the back of the room.

      4
  • Mrs Alcock
    29.01.2019

    I sure hope she returns!

  • Kelitu
    29.01.2019

    So, should we say life is fair or unfair. You hope to find a man with no games, focused & with a plan, yet they are elsewhere seeking those who aren’t? Ja! Life!

  • moh
    29.01.2019

    i have the same fears as well , i feel what he feels coz it happened to me to anyways where are the good men??

  • Ocampo
    29.01.2019

    Sad for him, but there are good girls out there, let him go on checking out and stop the waiting.

    1
  • Tesh
    29.01.2019

    And that is the story of my life

    2
  • Ocampo
    29.01.2019

    By the way, Charles Njonjo married at 52 and he’s now got grown up kids, and him aged 99 doing well. There’s hope for him, great hope.

    2
  • juster
    29.01.2019

    If she was meant to be, she will certainly come back to you Zara man. In the meantime live your life….

    1
  • Liz
    29.01.2019

    I agree with him on the travel bag being dirty. In my house it goes to the laundry basket with its content immediately.

  • Tabby Irumbi
    29.01.2019

    “Also, Lord, you know the heart of my son, Lord, he is a special son, he doesn’t see the fruits that hang over his head. Jehovah, you know what he is searching for, please shine a torch in his heart, open his eyes and send a dutiful wife his way, someone God-fearing, she doesn’t even have to know how to cook mboco, just someone decent who doesn’t put a travel bag on his bed, that stuff gets him so pissed off, Lord…”
    Moms have a special place in heaven

    3
    • SAL
      30.01.2019

      Haahaaa I’m a direct beneficiary of mothers’ prayer.You dissect every syllable in it( PLEASE,SHINE A TORCH IN HIS,,,) in her absence and the restrained laughter immediately servers as a temporary healing to a betrayed heart!

  • Emmah
    29.01.2019

    Aaaaww! I feel for the guy. There’s nothing so good as having to share a life with the love of your life. Knowing someone always got your back no matter what. Raising children and all the nitty gritty of sharing…

  • Mercy
    29.01.2019

    “So horrible that he met another lady soon after and started dating her” is this even possible?

    I hope she comes back but if she does not, i hope Mr 44 find love again.

  • Spice
    29.01.2019

    Well well..I know this ex-couple..Interesting read. Love and Light Mr.44.

    1
  • Harry
    29.01.2019

    No matter how educated, talented, rich or cool you believe you are, how you treat people ultimately tells it all.

    7
  • Wanjira
    29.01.2019

    This series proves men are often emotionally stunted.
    ‘What is your state of mind?’
    ‘Heartbroken.’
    Can you imagine if that same question was asked to a woman?
    ‘What is your state of mind?’
    ”My mind is stuck in an endless loop, stuck in an alternate reality, not unlike Inception. He put my heart in a broken blender, whose knives were sharp enough to slice my heart into tiny shapeless pieces but not make a quality smoothie. Everyday, I live with the taste of this stomach-churning concoction on my tongue.”

    Dude, we know you are heartbroken, what does it feel like, without using a word to describe the same word?

    7
  • Dorothy Ndagwa
    29.01.2019

    “This is his first heartbreak. I wonder if heartbreaks at 44 are as bad as at 19 years. My only real heartbreak at 19, I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater. I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder.”….#SIGH!! heartbreaks has no age limits!! its heartless, ruthless, careless, all the “lesses” u can think of!!

    2
  • Benda Kithaka
    29.01.2019

    In a way we empathise, cos he’s a hurting soul.
    But.
    All those hearts he trampled on, with his one leg in, one leg out policy, you can hear their blood wailing ‘revenge’, in the thread of your story…

    He had it coming.

    2
  • Marie
    29.01.2019

    Haha my boyfriend had to stop that disgusting habit…the 2 small long nails.

    Anyway I hope another girl stirs u up like that..
    About your 2019goals..greatly inspired…mine is just to “make it to 6th year of medical school.”

    2
  • Altanativ Thinka
    29.01.2019

    Clotheshorse, from one 44yr old to another, it gets hard before it gets harder with these breakups….chances are the good feet 10s and 12s girl has moved on and remembers you as the guy who kept his nails short…we meet good girls we run, we meet good girls they run…there is no explanation to the madness…the only constant/maybe mobile thing that can keep you sane is, when you fall, wake up, dust up and keep walking. Don’t let her come back and find you in the same spot she alighted…get off your state and keep going and if she catches up with you at the next stage she will like the new you. If she doesn’t, there will be another one at the next stage. And sometimes some of us were not built for marriage, kids and all…..but we have to keep moving and finding our purpose…..

    Also travelling to 32 countries and Jan is out means at least 3 countries a month…..”Vision Impossible” for purposeless people like us or may be I sense a little depression…just a little.

    Finally but not least….just felt like saying it that way…this is slowly becoming a whatsapp chat..not the chama kind …yet…or is it just me…we used to comment once per post and wait for next weeks post to talk again….maybe I am OCD to multiple opinions…don’t mind me…Good Read Biko.

    6
    • Lena
      29.01.2019

      Your observations, I like. Mirrored my thoughts on the 32 countries, is mission impossible. And the more than one comment, how about that? ..looks like we soon calling for a meeting..

      1
  • Emmanuel Taracha
    29.01.2019

    Damn! Our stories not entirely related but this reminds me of this girl I really loved. She’s the girl I truly loved and I envisioned us having 2 or 3 kids and riding in a Chrysler to church every Sunday. I dont know why but whenever she saw a Chrysler, it always took her breath away. She made me a better Christian. It’s because of her that I’m strong in prayer. Sometimes I pray about something and believe that I will get it and I always do. Crazy right?
    I owe that to her. She made me a better man. Gave her all my heart. Dated for 4 years. Her dad a cool guy. First day I met him we clicked. I love cooking, so one day prepared breakfast and we shared, talked and laughed. Met her mum a couple times. Nice woman too though she didnt talk much. One nice sunny day took her for a horse ride, got down from my horse,went down on one knee and proposed to her while she was still on the horse. Doesn’t sound romantic? Anyway she said yes. A few months later, I decided to go see her family. I am that kind of guy.I like making things official. I gathered my gang. The date was set. On the very day I was to travel with my gang from Nai, her mother said no. I’m a man of reason and so I requested a one on one with her mother. All I wanted was to hear from her why she was objecting. A meet was set. She looked me in the eye and said; “Kijana wangu, hii maneno inahitaji maombi. Taita mpaka Kisii ni mbali sana. Msichana wangu hawezi kuholewa mbali hivo.” Hurts to this day.

    12
    • Lena
      29.01.2019

      I am sorry bro..hugs.

  • Silent Reader
    29.01.2019

    Your comment*I have a feeling that Cleopatra has read this.

  • Nasir Ndegwa
    29.01.2019

    Your comment*I have a feeling that Cleopatra has read this. She seems witty enough to be a disciple of bikozulu.
    Nway, I’m Enjoying the series Biko. Keep on

  • Bobo❤❤
    29.01.2019

    Whoever reaches @Bumblebee first,please tell her the absence is loud,and it hasn’t gone unnoticed….

    1
  • Nduta ( kandush)
    29.01.2019

    Waaaah.. Funny how I’m reading this today. Heart breaks have no age limit or expiration dates. It feels like prolonged grief. Your heart beats like you have HBP..(we should be able to live without a heart coz it stopped minding its own business of pumping blood). The anxieties, confusion and doubts.. Its scary but you live with it.. You know at the very beginning you think you’ve got it figured out coz you have experience that comes with age so you’ll know when to pull out and not get hurt but because you’re a believer of love; surprise surprise!
    Good read as always.
    One day at a time. Love always, sue.

    1
  • Grace Chesiyna
    29.01.2019

    Sounds like Karma

    1
  • Ruth Chemtai
    29.01.2019

    Jesus, people out there actually have ‘vision statements of life’ written down!” I say handing back the phone. “I feel so purposeless now.” wooow!

  • Njeri
    29.01.2019

    This will be the most interesting series biko. I have always wanted to hear men’s side of the story in matters love and marriage. ❤️

  • Kambua
    29.01.2019

    Fact: “There are many people who are happier not married.”

    7
  • Faith
    29.01.2019

    So sad but he’ll be fine, he will be alright.
    Keep up the good job Biko.

  • Peter
    30.01.2019

    First deal-breaker, bro don’t date women under the age of 38, total waste of time. That is my experience and I stand by it.

    5
    • Annie
      30.01.2019

      Does it mean there is hope for us moving to our late 30’s?

      2
      • Peter
        30.01.2019

        You betcha. All my serious relationships have been with maturer women since they are very high up their on the richter scale.

        5
  • Kambua
    30.01.2019

    One of the most profound and honest comments I have read on this blog. I will be echoing this for some time: “Every single relationship ends until you find one that doesn’t – and even then, you can’t be 100% sure of its success until one of you dies. And since death legally ends a marriage, that effectively means that every single relationship and every single marriage will end one day. “

    10
    • Wahito
      30.01.2019

      Apart from a relationship with Jesus

      4
  • Annir
    30.01.2019

    First heart break at 44? That is worse than a toothache. Well if his heart heals and he manages to move on, let him know there are good ladies who are in their 30’s and are ready to settle down.
    Good luck to him

  • Rita
    30.01.2019

    Given a choice between a senior bachelor and a divorcee both of the same age, I will pick the senior bachelor in a blink. Mr. 44 you have minimal baggage and mine sits on the floor right next to yours and not on the bed.

    6
  • Annie
    30.01.2019

    There are good ladies out here, who are ready. We are here but unfortunately we don’t get noticed. I sincerely hope she comes back and Mr 44 finds his happily ever after. If not, let him heal before he moves onto the next one and damages her because of unresolved issue from the one who got away.

    1
  • Sharon
    30.01.2019

    I am currently going through heartbreak.The feeling doesn’t’ change even if its the fourth time and i’m 26 years.

    3
  • Penny
    30.01.2019

    A girl is available for a date. *wink*

  • Salome
    30.01.2019

    It’s so sad to feel so lonely when you ‘feel’ you’ve met the ‘right one’. Mr. 44, please move on and live your life to the fullest. (This might sound cliche but, “You only live once”.)

  • Kentoz
    30.01.2019

    The girl was not commited… She thought the guy was a sponsor… But who am I to judge…
    Patience repays… He shud not give up though
    Theaz always the chic on “40 and above” that was a Christian and works. They cud hit it off with these guy… Say he’s a boob guy and loves curves… They can work perfectly

    Biko check with ur notes… U can help this guy

    2
  • Winnie
    30.01.2019

    Heartbreaks are the worst! Especially at the end of the day when you are at home alone or in bed and sudden you think of them then suddenly you are crying……

    And yes the waiting is the worst…… Hugs to anyone going through one

    4
  • Sir Elvis
    30.01.2019

    you became to emotional, you lost your frame, you became needy … that’s where you lost her… man enough , Move on na iwe funzo

    1
  • Sos
    30.01.2019

    Stay sharp, and open minded. don’t settle in waiting for a past that might not return. Life has it’s reasons for sometimes pain and heartbreaks are the best preparations for that perfect match.

    2
  • JN
    30.01.2019

    I think 2019 is off to a good start. What I have read so far is what i was looking froward to. great piece

  • Gilbert Mwangi
    30.01.2019

    Personal ‘vision statement?’ Lawd!
    I think that is what is scaring girls from this man’s life.Those things do not work here.

    P.S.
    Somebody remove that fulstop in this blog post’s headline.My OCD in grammar cant live with that.

  • EVELYN MUTHONI
    30.01.2019

    I would love to hear Cleopatras’ side of this love gone wrong- is there something she found wanting in him? Did she fall for another? If yes, what led her to search for another? Its just that this guy sounds perfect….so why can’t he find someone?

  • Twinny
    30.01.2019

    I am 28 and will be getting married to a 55 year old guy (divorced without kids)…

    Age was a problem at the beginning but not any more….

    1
  • Boniface
    30.01.2019

    Sir, learn to let go, it’s empowering. Great women are in plenty. Shout out to the grown folk who have absolutely no interest in playing games.

    5
  • Doresi
    30.01.2019

    My only real heartbreak at 19, I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater. I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder.
    wueh!

  • Mary
    30.01.2019

    Hahaha I can relate when he says he can’t stand people who place their travel bags on the bed. I too can’t stand them. People who sleep with clothes they’ve spend the entire day in, brushing their shoulders with God knows who, stepping on every type of filth are in another category that I totally can’t get along. In short, you only understand OCD suffers if you are one.

    2
  • Lucy Serem
    31.01.2019

    https://youtu.be/ALgO5v7U01M
    There’s a time for love, and a time for letting go…

    1
  • Chris.
    31.01.2019

    “Later when he stands I will notice his bow-legs. He walks like that actor guy that asphyxiates every bird that talks about his devastating looks. What’s his name? That guy who likes squinting in photographs, black British guy…arh, I forget his name. ”
    -Haha I promise if I could play with words like Biko I’d never shut up.

  • Rita Mwangola
    31.01.2019

    Don’t confuse being in love with being in need. Most of the time men are in need, don’t be with someone for that reason. Be a better man.

    2
  • Wilma
    31.01.2019

    I met someone who I also thought was the love of my life, or at least someone I could happily marry and have kids with. Because I felt whole with him.He was 38, I’m 26. When he left his reason was that I needed to experience life more, date people my own age. He broke my heart but silly me is still waiting for him to change his mind. So I guess my situation is a bizarre alternate reality version of yours, Clothes horse. Life is weird.

    2
  • Ythera
    31.01.2019

    He is waiting for Godot

  • Wanjeri
    31.01.2019

    If he would change his mind for an ass-girl, someone somewhere would be willing to help him overcome the hearbreak 🙂

  • MD
    01.02.2019

    That was sad. Really sad.

  • Njambi
    01.02.2019

    #relatable post

  • Anastasia
    01.02.2019

    Every time I read about an OCD kind of person has I realize we always against societal expectations but the world never understand

  • Moses Auma Speaks
    01.02.2019

    There is nothing as off-putting as meeting the right/best person for you but it fails to hold up.

  • Kabugzz
    01.02.2019

    Life is hard, love though is the hardest! That in 2019 age is not just a number #sad yaaaani.

  • Lobosolo
    03.02.2019

    The guy in the story before this one suffered the same fate as the current one.. it’s the same story by a different thread.
    There is an obsessive need in Kenyan men to conform to a certain standard.
    You study. You graduate. You get a job. You marry.. get kids.. grow old and die.
    That for me is why everyone has to conform to fit a certain accepted social status.
    But what’s wrong with just staying out of that loop? And not explaining away why every time you meet folks etc… When has being alone ever translated to unhappy?
    I have two kids I take care of. The mothers are in other relationships that I totally respect.
    It does not make me a failure in life.
    I just can’t handle marriage. I realized just like this Gent you have related about here that I start working at making them leave subconsciously. Small nasty things. So I found comfort in being alone and in fleeting relationships.
    We are all not made the same way. Find your niche. Make it work for you…….

    1
    • Jenny
      03.02.2019

      I am jealous of cleopatra. I hope she reconsiders, poor guy.

  • Jenny
    03.02.2019

    I am jealous of cleopatra. I hope she reconsiders, poor guy.

  • wamugi
    04.02.2019

    Something tingly about this post.. Something so farmiliar.. Something that feels too close for comfort – ooh, i know, its the relative closeness (is there such a thing), it has to me.
    Thank you Biko!
    Wamugi,
    tuketi .co.ke

  • Olanna
    05.02.2019

    She may come back, she may not. But life as we know it certainly does go on.
    Mr.Clothshorse should listen to ‘Feelings’ by Zonke Dikana and let it hurt.

  • Venus
    05.02.2019

    For a moment while reading this piece I almost felt creeped out because it was as if I was reading a description of a male version of me. 80% of this guy is me. Super cautious with relationships and remaining mentally non-commital, but occasionally throwing caution to the wind, and like my things in certain way. No bags or day clothes on my bed, and use the right towel for the right purpose, whether in the kitchen or bathroom.
    However, Cleopatra’s bio information and educational background is exactly me.

    Still, an awesome read it is.

  • Reneé
    06.02.2019

    My story’s the complete mirror image of this guy’s!

    I dated a 44 year old man with a 12 year difference between us. Amazing chemistry between us, most intellectual conversations I’d ever had with any man, not to mention an amazing 10 months spent together!

    I have OCD that’s similar to his + symmetry OCD (undiagnosed though). Then on the 30th of December last year, he upped & left. Just like that!

    The pain was unbearable at first, but I am getting by just fine. But unlike him, I’m not waiting for him to come back.

    Oh hey Mister, you’ll be just fine!

    3
  • Charlie
    06.02.2019

    I feel like this guy and I would get along swimmingly. Haha! The OCD thing is legit. I like my things a certain way. And for heaven’s sake don’t use my tea towel to dry your hands! My take from this, is that heartbreak can come at you at any age but in the end it’s a lesson worth learning, and it’s the same lesson, whether you’re 19 or 44. I wish him all the luck with his lady love but he should live his life and not pine for lost love. Waiting for someone to come back is only part of the grieving-for-lost-love process.

  • Kesh
    06.02.2019


    I’m I the only one who wants to love this man! I hope she comes back. I hope he finds love. In its truest form.

  • Judy
    07.02.2019

    I felt like my heart was constantly being scrapped by a grater. I wanted to take it out and give it to someone and walk around without a heart. I was willing to contend with just my kidneys, liver and gallbladder.

    One of these days Biko, my ribs will literally crack… You remembered the Gallbladder?

  • Tshikuh
    08.02.2019

    “Do you see your parents as happily married?”

    “I saw them as happily raising children,” he says cryptically.

    Unfortunately this is the current state of most marriages today.

  • Pam
    09.02.2019

    She’s not going to come back if all he is doing is waiting. A man should fight for his woman. Otherwise, the next thing he’s gonna receive is a wedding invite.

  • Eric barber
    09.02.2019

    A great read Biko. She is his ZAHIR. Dont give up man if she is worth dying for, but while at it have fun my guy even Jeso had lots of fun with his supper hero powers. That way you will not be disappointed if at the end you find her but wrecked and beaten down and no longer curvy but curved like a D.

  • eric barber
    09.02.2019

    she is your zahir ma

  • 34 and Single
    11.02.2019

    And here I thought been a bachelor at 34 was the worst thing

  • Shiku
    12.02.2019

    Recalling my recent brush with a fella like the one described above. The thing with this Virgo’s they are super critical, OCD and the whole shabang! At 27 I can imagine you end up feeling like you are dating your father. Relax! Take is easy… she will come back or she wont. Life goes on…

  • hadsa N
    15.02.2019

    whatever happens life has a way of giving back……live it up ….. just don’t think too much of it

  • Mercy
    21.02.2019

    I agree absolutely. You can’t just sit and wait. Pursue her.

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