The Mother’s Union

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Note: While looking for an appropriate image for this story I ran into this image and it just spoke to me. I hope it touches a heart.

You bring your car to a halt outside her apartment block and you leave your engine idling – you’re trying not to be presumptuous. In the distance a male Tropical Kudu calls out. Odd. Very odd. And because you are a gentleman, because in your head you live by the code that the universe will hand you what the universe knows you want, you start to say you had a great time, but she says, “You wonna come up for a bit?” The green light from the car stereo illuminates her face making her look like a femme fatale in a Tony Scott movie with a switch knife strapped up her thigh.

Of course you “wonna” go up for bit.

The evening has dovetailed well. You were dealt rubbish cards but you played them like an MVP. You are that guy. Although you are just about ready to break into that Eddie Kenzo dance, you remain cool as you step out of the car and into the wet night, which you hope is the metaphor the universe is willing to live by tonight.

Inside, you stand under her massive chandelier (that can also make a good idiom) and look around her pad as she points towards her modest bar in the corner and says, “Pour yourself a drink, get comfortable. I’ll just be a minute,” and then waltzes through a corridor switching on lights as she is swallowed into the depths of her house.

The “bar” you realise is called a bar only because it has a few bottles. There is a VAT 69 (probably her ex-boyfriend’s favourite drink, you think with a wry smirk), some liqueurs and wine, one aperitif and a half bottle of Hennessey. No whisky. Brrrr. You hate to mix your liquor, but cognac will do, so you look for a brandy glass, fail and opt for a short stub glass to pour yourself just one finger of Hennessey. You are slightly buzzed, balancing on this hard-to-attain parity, a delicate nirvana of equilibrium which you don’t want to put the kibosh on. Any more drink and you hurdle face first into drunken stupor . And you don’t want that. She doesn’t want that. Jesus doesn’t want that. The universe is rooting you on.

She sashays back into the living room wearing a smile over this flowy Somali-looking dress, fake eyelashes gone, barefoot (and much shorter without heels) braids untied falling all the way down to the small of her back. She looks like a fucking black Rapunzel. Ravishing! Yum!

Can I get you something? You hear some guy ask. “Whatever you are having,” and a cheeky smile appears at the corner of her mouth which means she is flirting with you – it’s all systems go. You pour her just a finger of Hennessey, because you don’t want her drunk. You want to maintain her giddiness. You want to titrate that status quo and keep that smile where it belongs; at the corner of her mouth. Mission status; engage.

You coaster the drinks on the coffee table. She curls herself
at the end of the sofa then puts her feet across your legs. She has these very small delicate geisha feet, well pedicured nails. Red polish. Lovely feet. Glam feet. You slowly begin massaging them. “You are so warm!” she coos. You want to tell her that warm hands reflect warm hearts, but you don’t because she won’t believe you, and also because you are walking on a tightrope here, and you will never forgive yourself for spoiling the night by saying the wrong shit at the right time. You know how mamas are; you only have to say one wrong thing, just one, and ati now she isn’t in the mood anymore. Nkt.

You turn on the charm; longer eye-contact, jokes with shorter punchlines, you flirt like a madman and you listen because you read somewhere that mamas want to be the ones talking because what they have to say is more important than what you have to say. Plus she’s the one carrying the breasts, so…

It’s going good. She’s eating it up, throwing her head back and giggling. She is loving the foot massage, you can tell, but you are already bored with it, but you know what they say, nothing good ever comes easy. I mean , freedom didn’t come easy for the freedom fighters. Plus, if you can’t demonstrate that you can do the small stuff well, you won’t be given the big stuff to do. (Will Smith’s voice: YouknowwhatImsayin’?).

You are taking things very steady; no sudden movements. No reaching to touch her where FIDA might call “inappropriate.” Holding her glass on her navel, she slowly slides further in the chair, and she starts looking at your through this lazy romantic eyes and you are like Shit, what if she dozes off? She can’t doze off! My goodness, no! God please don’t let her say she is sleepy. Please. Just do this one thing for me; keep her awake! I promise I will come to church every Sunday. But you realise that it’s all the foot rubbing that is making her too comfortable, so you stop and she raises her head and looks at your poutingly, “why did you stop?” So you start again, but only half heartedly.

She starts telling you about the kind of shit men she meets (women seriously need to chill with these sob stories) and at some point – to make her stop talking about her exes – you start massaging her calves ( if she isn’t lunje) and a small lovely sigh escapes from her lips. Then with horror you see this painful looking pimple on her chin and you ask yourself, Where did that come from! I hope it isn’t what I think it is. You stare at the pimple. It sneers back. She’s saying something about Nerea, Sauti Sol’s video, but who wants to talk about Sauti Sol now? Fuck Sauti Sol. And Nerea.

You then start feeling pressed but you don’t want to get up because it will interrupt this rhythm. You might get up, go to the loo and when you come back the trail might have turned cold. So you say to yourself, “mind over matter” over and over again but your bladder is taking none of that zen-shit. So you finally excuse yourself to use the john and she says, “second door on your right,” and you walk down the corridor to the second door that also doubles as a shower and you stand there and try not to pee on her toilet seat. You direct the stream away from the water because it can be heard from Mavoko.

Then something happens.

As you stand there, you turn nonchalantly and look to the side of her bathroom and there you see something that stops you cold.

A parade of ugly underwear!

Oh, I’m sorry, let me be more specific,you see a line of mother’s unions. An assembly of truly appalling underwear. A gathering of retail sin. A tableau of eyesore. A cluster of heartbreak. A fashion faux pas of underwear. A Chernobyl of fashion. Your life flashes before your eyes.

And I’m e not talking numerous colourful sexy modern underwear and then one ugly mother’s union. No. I’m talking a string of them, maybe seven or eight of them, one for each godforsaken day; in faded browns, colours of the sahara, ugly looking mother’s union rudely staring back at you as you pee. Judging you. It’s like a pack of hyenas on their hind legs just staring at you. Shit!

Even your pee stops midflow. You slowly sit on the toilet seat and hold your head in your hands. A deep dark sense of trepidation – to use a tattered word newspaper journalists love to (over) use – engulfs you. But wait, maybe those ugly things belong to her cousin who’s visiting from shags. I mean, surely, this mami is just too fine to be walking around in mother’s union, right? Right, Universe? Talk to me Universe, tell me I’m right. They belong to her cousin, right?

Universe?

See? Even the Universe is speechless.

You flush the loo and you slouch back to the living room an unsure man. A defeated man. Your mojo robbed violently. The wind completely knocked out of your sails.The little man has packed up and gone back to the car.

She looks at you concerned; “Are you OK?”, she asks with a smile when you take your seat and you say you are fine, why? And she says, “You look like you just saw a ghost,” and you catch yourself from saying, “You don’t say, I saw a parade of them!”

But seriously, why do chicks wear mother’s unions? Young funky learned “things” doing big things in this town in mother’s union. The hell? OK OK, fine, we all know that a woman has to have these undergarments for that time of the month. Necessary evil et al. Fine, but to have them as an everyday wear?? Aii, zii!

How does a fine “gel” (as Nigerians call fine mamas) wake up in the morning, do her meditation with folded knees then slip into fitted jeans, a nice top and high heels and wear mother’s union underneath?? Ladies! Don’t you feel like you are betraying some universal code of sexiness when you do that? Does a mother’s union build your confidence? Does it make you feel secure? Appreciated by the world? Do you feel that you need to have your ass held in place? Does that float your boat?

When a woman wakes up, does she look at her wardrobe and say, “Today I will wear a mother’s union because today is the day the Lord has made?” Forgive me, but I need to understand why this happens. I’m sure you are thinking, come on Biko there are worse things in life than a mother’s union…wait, you are right, a mother’s union in animal print! Have you seen those gentlemen?
They look like she works with the KWS special crack unit sent to save the white rhino. When you pull off her jeans and find this animal printed “thing” you can’t help wondering if you are under arrest. Is she on a sting operation?

Boss, ati you think you have seen many ugly things? Well, you haven’t seen ugly until you have seen an animal print mother’s union my friend! Oh you haven’t, baba!

The thing with mother’s unions is that if you think they look ugly as sin on the bodies of our women (which they do), they look 100 times worse when they are hanging from the clothing-line, half wet. Is it just me or is it that when you wash those dhings they expand? Like they balloon up? Don’t they look like half engaged parachutes? Now imagine running into six of them, face to face, where do you even run to? Where do you look? It’s like acid thrown into your eyes.

I understand that it isn’t wise to speak of things from an ignorant point of view. That to understand something you have to go back to its history. So I asked myself, “Bikozulu, who do you think invented the Mother’s Union, and is there a chance that after realising their folly they committed suicide out of deep guilt?” It had to be a woman surely, because for a man to call it a mother’s union, they must have seen their mother’s knickers, and that is sacrilegious to even think about as an African!

So I Googled “Mother’s Union.” Do you know how many results you get when you Google “Mother’s Union?” 53 freaking million! If I’m lying, I’m flying. Do you know how many results you get when you Google “penicillin” the famous antibiotic that shaped modern medicine? 15 million results! Should I press on or do you get the general thrust of this argument? The twist in the tale is that the search results for the mother’s union only shows that it’s a Christian membership organization. Godly things. I step away.

Look, I don’t want to flog a dying horse here, but allow me to say this with as much respect as I can muster, to any woman who swears by her mother’s union, that shit is ugly. Yes you can’t be sexy every day but it is still ugly. Women will always defend themselves by saying that they wear mother’s union because they are comfortable, but so is scratching our balls while listening to you prattle on about your day. But your don’t see us doing that in your face do you????

Women have made amazing strides in the fashion industry. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, always pushing the envelope with design & innovation and yet you want to tell me that in all these huge creative fashion boardrooms where smart women with trendy glasses sit for fashion powwows, sipping green tea, not a single woman has ever said, “wait a minute, what year is this, 2015? WHY are we still wearing mother’s union? Can’t we design something trendier that is actually comfortable?” You mean not a single woman has designed something that can replace the mother’s union without compromising its functionality? Camaan, you are jiving!

I asked a pal of mine – a fine “gel” – why she owns mother’s union and she said it’s comfortable because it’s – wait for it – “100% cotton.” Uhm, well, it’s also 100% hideous.

Fine. I’m probably getting my knickers in a twist here. (Hehe). It doesn’t matter what a woman wears underneath as long as she is happy with her life’s choices. Women don’t wear underwear for men, women wear underwear for women. For themselves. And it’s only a complete wazzock, like me, an idle mind who would waste over 2,000 words pleading with women to please stop scaring us with their superfluous militant underwear. It’s a complete pillock like me who imagines that women actually enjoy having a string floss their butt cheeks the whole day when they wear g-strings just for my – and my type’s- amusement. Of course it’s the height of delusion to imagine that women will read this and bury their savanna-brown bloated, ghastly underwear in their flower gardens. Or stop hanging them in their bathroom when they are throwing a house party. Because it’s absolutely horrifying to go to the stunning hostess’s bathroom and see her tragic underwear hanging there and try and reconcile that with the same sophisticated person who just served you vanilla tweels with raspberry sorbet for dessert. Of course not. What do I know about shit that is 100% cotton? I can barely pay attention to my own undergarments.

So carry on, please. Let me not stop this mother’s union train. Let me not weigh in and say that y’all should leave mother’s union to their rightful owners; our mothers.

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178 Comments
  1. Dear Biko,I think you are overreacting about the mother’s union kind of underwear. Sometimes us ladies just like to wear a nice full underwear that covers all our ass…it is very comfortable,but you would never know that.We can wear the gstrings and thongs for men who still bundle day in and day out in the same boxers…it’s all a paradox

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    1. such offense… If my choices are a bother to you, guess what wrong choice of friend.. Dang… not everyone loves boxing nor does every man get by with science documentaries movies…

  2. WHuaaat, those mothers union are simply hideous, talk about her cock blocking you. “When you pull off her jeans and find this animal printed “thing” you can’t help wondering if you are under arrest. Is she on a sting operation?” this shit is funny

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  3. What do you drink biko?because right now i feel like buying you a drink.I thought i was the only one who loathes these parachute-like things,i have left some few ‘gels’ half dressed because i couldnt pull through,not after seeing their goodies wrapped in something that resembles an ugly table cloth. Thanks biko,tell the sisters!

  4. Hilarious as always .biko. I love your creativity . You never disappoint. When I want to kill time I sometime dig in the archive and get myself one of these classics and sit back and enjoy.
    There are not many like you in this generation biko.

  5. “There is a VAT 69 (probably her ex-boyfriend’s favourite drink, you think with a wry smirk), some liqueurs and wine, one aperitif and a half bottle of Hennessey. No whisky. Brrrr.” Thats such a low blow to all VAT drinkers.

  6. Haha biko..enjoyed it…you never disaapoint..n the way you turn the story around….I find myself transported and when i finish reading l come back down with a bang…post more frequently.

  7. I’m sure you are thinking, come on Biko there are worse things in life than a mother’s union…wait, you are right, a mother’s union in animal print! Have you seen those gentlemen?
    They look like she works with the KWS special crack unit sent to save the white rhino. When you pull off her jeans and find this animal printed “thing” you can’t help wondering if you are under arrest. Is she on a sting operation?
    You made my day Biko, am cracking up like a fool

  8. There’s an alternative to Mother’s Union
    even for that time of the month hehe. I also don’t get the fixation ladies have on the Mother’s Union. They are a whole outfit by themselves !

  9. Biko,why do you want us to succumb to a condition Caitlin Moran diagnosis as Pantorexia: starving our bottoms of resources – like an extra metre of material – to stay comfortable?..why? ??? Hehe

  10. Hahahahahaha. Reminds of the the article “Knickers”
    Anyway, take heart. After seeing that parade, quickly Google Amber Rose and say ‘Namaste’ over and over

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    1. Yes, this is a current, funnier and so on point version of Knicker. I have laughed my knickers off…
      Biko yawa. You will be the death of me.

  11. Sorry to bust your bubble Biko but i have doctor’s orders to wear 100% cotton made underwear…am not lying….i have an allergy…even with sanitary towels, i cant use the most advertised products….please bear wth the rest of us…yours trully…allegic girl…

  12. This post reminds me of ”Just wear clean underwear”
    I think men should help avert this ‘mother’s union crisis’… #Help

  13. Mschew Biko. This a classic boys will be boys rant. I love my mother’s union. Predictable fit. Full coverage. 100% cotton keeps the air moving. I have 30 of them. All black. Neatly folded for each day of the month. Unapologetic too after 40.

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  14. haha, well, I too do not get the fixation with thhe “Mother’s-Union”.For your information there are alternatives,even for that time.I guess women just dn’t want to adapt to change. hahaha,this article is too funny!.

  15. Biko – did you wash your hands before you left the loo? As descriptive as you are, did that not make the 2000 word cut or did you actually, ‘flush the loo and you slouch back to the living room an unsure man.’ See unwashed hands are up there with mother’s unions.

      1. Haha..observant but…why wash his hands in this case?..the little man was to go into the ‘gels’ mouth. Was it to be washed then?

  16. Funniest thing I have read all day! Biko I cosign 100% those things are hideous!!! I know someone who buys the animal print mothers union aka granny panties by the dozen! Ladies there are better 100% cotton knickers options for Mothers Unions that still cover your behind. High leg briefs, bikinis, v-kinis, boyshorts/hipsters, are just but a few examples and some come with low rise and high rise options so you can decided how much coverage you want. If you insist on MU then at least get them in prettier prints and colours. Pretty and sexy underwear in my opinion leaves even that woman wearing sackcloth feeliing sexy and pretty all round.

  17. Biko, I dont know of any business person that willfully tries to kill their customer through their product, but I promise you if you make me laugh to death I am not likely to read you again! Am bila superlatives to describe this latest offering.

  18. “..When a woman wakes up, does she look at her wardrobe and say, “Today I will wear a mother’s union because today is the day the Lord has made?” Forgive me, but I need to understand why this happens..”THAT got me in stitches..hehehe..n yeah its very comfy n you cant get it

  19. Ladies and gentlemen, don’t you see how Mothers’ Unions just killed a guy? Do you hear of the guy anymore? Do you? He just vanished, in the heat of things.

  20. Biko! Rolling with laughter ln this one. You are hilarious. Should rename this article “Mothers Union broken down for the lay albeit ambitious Men” sigh ..

  21. Yes they are ugly, but so is that thing that satan invented to torture us called candida. I think overall mothers unions were invented by mothers everywhere to constantly goad us that we cannot have sexy as a life choice 24/7. Oh yeah, led by Eve when she invited the curse fof the red dot upon us ensuring the continous cycle of hormones and shedding and repeat. Great read!

  22. ‘A Chenorbyl of fashion’…..my new favorite phrase.But seriously Biko,you simply have no idea how amazing it feels to wear a Mother’s Union and a t-shirt and just chill in the house.Try it,then you’ll understand why we shall never get rid of Mother’s unions!!

  23. Caution to all men: if u c one when u pull down her jeans, don’t dare take it off. The odor will if not kill u, send you to a comma. just imagine the deprivation of fresh air suffered by her member, and then figure out for yourself the emission once you set her member free by removing the MU. believe me, u will never want to go down there ever again…its alot worse than stinking breath.

    r will

    1. what a silly comment…please note that mothers union does not necessarily translate into poor hygiene habits…even a girl in a thong can stink!!!

  24. Long live the MU! Biko usichokoze this world order. You might have some go to demand an MU change, and see their MOUs revoked. And then what, they come cry here in the comments section. Watauliza kiatu kweli. #TeamKnickers #TeamMU #NoGrandThongAuto #BikiniCutNiWewe

  25. You lost me on this one 🙁
    I wear mother’s union – everyday. And I love them; 100% cotton and 100% comfortable.
    Anywho…can’t wait to read about your trip to Spain. Please write an article on that.

  26. Haha Biko a thirsty man doesn’t even realize a woman owns mothers unions his mind is focused on the purpose beforehand. Anyway, I think we need to go back to the drawing board, and set foot back to Bomas, and draft a new constitution that makes it treasonous for our women to wear mothers union among other sacrilegious animals such as weaves and animal print.

  27. Hehe…My friend once told me if I want to hang
    out with some guy I like in private and not get
    into sexual temptation I should wear the most
    ugly bra and pantie I have. I quite don’t get
    what qualifies as mothers union.Am all about what looks nice to my eyes,
    feels comfortable and it also must not show
    pantie lines when won with my nice dresses.
    Biko its not all about you men.Our inner garments are not all about you

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  28. Biko have mercy on us. That’s why things are better when we know dresses are going up…trust me you will find Victoria secrets.
    besides, have you seen the monstrosity that is boxers???

  29. Hahahahahahaha! Had me in stitches. Just so u know mother’s union are the best when wearing close-fitting dresses, for those of us who cannot do commando. Plus yes they are mighty comfortable and don’t show with tight clothing, and yes they are available in very pretty colours depending on one’s choice and taste. Great read though as always, you had me in stitches.

  30. Biko,
    If you stayed focused on the price, the means should not have bothered you. 100% cotton sure is a head turner. See where it landed you? In her living room. It is good for the face; the whole circulation thing. How the night ended could have gone either one of two ways; One, you were so turned off, you excused yourself and left since anyway, you left your engine running(were you planning on a one minute hit and run session having left the engine running? Story for another day) or you braved the traumatizing memory and came back to the fine “gel”, turned on your selective amnesia and put your eyes back on the prize. Whichever way it went, is for you and the girl (lady here being too strong a word considering the panties) to remember. About the animal print mother’s union panties, that is too hilarious!!! When I first saw them, I thought somebody has a very good sense of humor. They must have designed it, sawed it put it on, looked at themselves in the mirror and laughed and laughed and laughed till they fainted. When they recovered from that, they got up and laughed some more. Then they sent out the pattern with an LOL note to the factory, and there was a lot of laughter and sawing that night.It is quite the injustice to have an animal print panty, especially when you do not have a Victoria’s secret body, and more especially when you bend over(gym changing room chronicles) too much about that. I love how the piece was descriptive then just turned hilarious in one paragraph. I shall stick to my lace, though they have some mother’s union friends, but not in animal print.

    1. They must have designed it, sawed it put it on, looked at themselves in the mirror and laughed and laughed and laughed till they fainted. When they recovered from that, they got up and laughed some more. Then they sent out the pattern with an LOL note to the factory, and there was a lot of laughter and sawing that night.
      That tickled me a good one, loool

  31. They look like she works with the KWS special crack unit sent to save the white rhino. When you pull off her jeans and find this animal printed “thing” you can’t help wondering if you are under arrest. Is she on a sting operation?
    Dead…. you have a way with word… I cant stop laughing and am in the office. MU are comfortable, I think it is what tickle’s one fantasy.
    Am waiting for a blog on men who wear ill-fitting undies and spend the rest of their day trying to retrieve them from wherever they are hitched!!!

  32. Biko, go get a yeast infection, preferably those recurring ones that seem not to respond to medication, after that we can have a discussion about not wearing panties that are 100% cotton.

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  33. .”Today I will wear a mother’s union because today is the day the Lord has made?”…hehe, c’mon,i mean the Lord makes everyday, I am a lady, and only God knows how i loathe those ‘things’. commando is the way to go comfort or not.

  34. Biko, that transition from the climax of what we all expected to happen next to your dissatisfaction with the Mother’s Union is quite epic. I love your creativity man. Ladies, beware men do take note of what you wear underneath and it is a big deal to us.

  35. the tits must have knocked you off balance as she was leading by the breasts and she had a weeks wear hanging out to dry so the coast was clear why biko why not take the plunge?deep reading though

  36. I thought global warming sorted out the use of mothers union. If you watch keenly the evolution of the female under-garments since creation time then you will understand why men hate these deflated balloons. Ladies just let go the MU thing, its for our grandmothers back in the village. Even a granny in the urban centre wont wear it.

  37. Now that we are on the topic of knickers, maybe you should address tighty whities and the forty year old guys who still wear them… You are hilarious!!

  38. I once did a sexy gal who had the animal print parachutes….
    It was damn crazy but the migwaitos always made up for the hideousness. 🙂

  39. “Today I will wear a mother’s union because today is the day the Lord has made?” Loool… this is some hilarious shit …

  40. “The little man has packed up and gone back to the car.”

    PENGUIN KICKED. Mothers union’s literally Kick penguins Biko!! 😀 Genius, aint i Jackson? ..i made the connection

  41. only you Biko can make me spend half my lunch hour reading what seemed like 8000 words about underwear…ION I had NO IDEA they had them in animal print..how cool!!!!.wonder where i can buy those….

  42. I was preparing to go in for this serious afternoon meeting when this crops up. So I’m sitting at my desk laughing alone while the rest of the office thinks I’m all stressed up.
    You started off very well Biko, why divert into mothers union? Is it worth the long break? Finish the story & give it a happy ending chap!

  43. It’s like a pack of hyenas on their hind legs just staring at you. Shit! Biko you make me want to read your mind. like get articles that you haven’t even thought of writing. I just cant get more. My laughter scares me when I read this.

  44. *maithori* A gathering of retail sin. A tableau of eyesore. A cluster of heartbreak. A fashion faux pas of underwear. A Chernobyl of fashion. That finished me! *wipes more tears*. Seriously Biko, publish a book with all these stories. Erma Bomberck did it and it was a bestseller. Try!

  45. It started off perfectly. I actually wanted to share the story before I had eeven completed the third paragraph. However, It slowly descended to mediocrity, or maybe it was because I expected a better ending.

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  46. aah…Biko, leave women alone. So what if we want all our ass covered. You should maybe try on a gstring and or a mother’s union then do a write up.HAHAHAAH! all said and done i almost died laughing. You too hilarious……still stuck at,’Oh, I’m sorry, let me be more specific,you see a line of mother’s unions. An assembly of truly appalling underwear. A gathering of retail sin. A tableau of eyesore. A cluster of heartbreak. A fashion faux pas of underwear. A Chernobyl of fashion. Your life flashes before your eyes.’ and …’ Fuck Sauti Sol. And Nerea.’ HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

  47. I support you fully Biko. I’m a 45 year old mother of grown kids and I wear g-strings full time. For those times of the month there are panty shields for g-strings plus tampons so no excuse to be drab. Does loads for my self esteem.

  48. This is so so hilarious!!! I cannot imagine the horror that our menfolk go through at the sight of a mothers union. On a cheecky note, they’re good for getting the little man to pack up and go back to the car.
    I have a suggestion, when menfolk wear g-strings every day, women will get rid of mothers union (or not, hah!)

  49. Hehe this piece is hilarious,that pimple that you stare at and it sneers back? hehe, ‘wearing a mother’s union because it is the day that the Lord has made’hehe? my ribs. Anyway Biko, you have a valid point, some mothers’ union underwear are hideous looking, the ones with leopard prints and other shady patterns and prints. However, don’t expect us to walk around in G-strings and the like. The kindly of wobbling our behinds do without appropriate underwear is embarrassing and an eyesore, at least for me. Thanks for the laughs though.

  50. Well, and here I was face flushed, legs tightly crossed (over my MU no doubt) waiting for the happy ending. A challenge for you Biko, they now sell mankinis and male thongs. Get one, walk past an underground ventilation vent in a short dress (Nakumatt lifestlye has a good one!) and post your deer-in-the-headlights photo as you explain to nobody in particular you were walking towards Koinange street for more official business.

    I do hope you also catch an infection too with an itch in places you cant reach. I will gladly serve you vanilla tweels with raspberry sorbet (sans MU) as you wriggle in your chair (to relieve the itch) and you can tell me all about the universe & if the little man really knows how to drive 😉

  51. Hahaha, Biko, really funny. Can promise you though, no “gel” will change their choice of underwear! Mothers unions are comfy, and give ur butt a great shape. But most importantly, it’s the comfort, I can tell you that for sure. However, you totally made my day!! Ati under arrest, Lol, that one had me in stitches!

  52. There’s no winning! !!! We are expected to wear heels,
    thongs, tight fitting pants/skirts/dresses, push up
    bra’s have our MONTHLY periods, deal with yeast infections sijui UTI’s, work, give birth, breast feed….and then deal with snores and skid marks and beer bellies..??? Please can you men start wearing briefs, tummy holders and see if you won’t beg to find me in my animal print or polka dotted “mothers union”!!!!! Eish…..we will do away with the weaves, fake lashes etc. But Bikozulu you and your late coming, hangover neediness, mara moja texting gang will NOT come in the way of our Mothers Union NEVER!!!!!

    With Love
    😉

    1. My sentiments exactly, men should check themselves with their million and one demands before pointing out our ‘flaws’ .

    2. Haha! Preach Mel! Comfort over style. Besides, good hygiene is what matters. Hilarious post as always Biko but still leaves a misogynistic aftertaste.

    3. Hit the nail right on the head. Our daily lives are superwoman lives with the outfit as well. At the very least we should be comfy down there.

  53. Can women wear whatever they want? It seems to me that this is misogyny wrapped up in humor. Whatever panties we wear are not for you, why do you think you’re relevant? Mothers union or thongs, let women fucking live.

    1
  54. Biko, have u ever had candida? There is not much choice here, its either sexy, nylon, thong, lacy underwear to impress some idiot o( then u get itchy like crazy) or mother’s union. I choose mother.’s union. There’s a reason they exist n why even fashion gurus can do nothing about it. Lets jus call it abtimeless piece

  55. Well I have to items of education for you. Mother’s unions are sold in Garissa Lodge where a loud walalo will tell you they only sell whole or half dozen. That can explain the number. No one ever buys just one. And I yeh they may look ugly especially the animal print ones but I can gurantee you I look like a super model in my mother’s union. Everything held in place. 100% cotton and all.

  56. this just made my morning really. Like literally laughing,I read alot but rarely does an article amuse me as much. Back to the subject no one said mother”s onion have to be ugly, seriously Biko g-string and thongs cant be an everyday wear just like heels cant be an everyday show. cotton or not ladies should atleast look for one thats pretty and holds the ass up good. not to talk about the colour eerrr! kwanza colour

  57. What is this now. Stick to your lane, what is it to you. Like you said about ball scratching, you dont see us women posting about it. STICK TO YOUR LANE.

    1. Its never that sserious .. no one has to go into a coma over anything here.. laugh.. appreciate the creativity and the wit then move it right along .

  58. Bikozulu i should make you my best friend….you should pop in sometime when i do my monthly through undies cleaning (yes that right once a month i soak and thoroughly clean them)and see what you call “a gathering of retail sin” hanging from the balcony 🙂

  59. Mother’s Union underwear are quite comfortable. Some females prefer comfort over sexiness. I’m not going to wear some sexy lingerie buli daily, No. On a day-to-day basis I’ll wear my comfortable Mother’s Union but on those “days” I’ll pull out that sexy albeit uncomfortable lingerie

  60. A parade of ugly underwear!

    Oh, I’m sorry, let me be more specific,you see a line of mother’s unions. An assembly of truly appalling underwear. A gathering of retail sin. A tableau of eyesore. A cluster of heartbreak. A fashion faux pas of underwear. A Chernobyl of fashion. Your life flashes before your eyes.
    hahahaha this is one hell of funny blog. the description not forgetting the answer refraining himself from saying he’s seen a parade of ghosts

  61. And on that note, I’m going underwear shopping !! And apologise to my long suffering man for the trauma that I’ve subjected him to over the
    Years

  62. Having 7 of these mother’s union hanging (airing) out is an abomination, its worse when one wears them and then they draw an outline on their attire…Shindwe, now the image that will come in mind is the animal print mothers union…goddammit

  63. Hahaha lmaoo my ribs will break. Umenimalisaaaaa. Mimi kwenye floor. A friend of mine should read this. She looks like #Teammothersunion. Nice read.

  64. “You stare at the pimple. It sneers back. She’s saying something about Nerea, Sauti Sol’s video, but who wants to talk about Sauti Sol now? Fuck Sauti Sol. And Nerea.” Can’t stop laughing!

  65. I bought my inaugural mothers unions (2) this year. I felt imprisoned because they go way up (past the belly button). Never again.

  66. “Today I will wear a mother’s union because today is the day the Lord has made?” hilarious biko!! but leave the girls to have their time.. dont you think they suffer enough with a g-string in their butt. give it to them!!

  67. This ‘top drawer’ stuff Biko. Pun intended! Animal print ones embedded in my mind.Don’t they all have ’em? A gathering of retail sin!!! Too funny

  68. A gathering of retail sin! Ati, she works with the KWS special crack unit sent to save the white rhino! Someone call KWS:)!! Absolutely hilarious piece

  69. Hey Biko
    This is hillarious! I totally feel you completely. I am in my 30s and I
    believe in wearing pretty undergarments 90% of the time. If you are wearing hot inner wear, your confidence skyrockets, no matter what you are wearing on top. Even the more all-encompassing ones which are a ‘necessary evil’ are lacy, satin or have rhinestones. And I actually don’t mind wearing g-strings with my ample bottom all day so long as I can take them off as soon as I get home. Yes my hubby is a happy man! Long live lingerie.;-)

  70. This is hilarious. Just get on with the job at hand!!!! A few minutes prior to the reveal, you were here:

    “You want to tell her that warm hands reflect warm hearts, but you don’t because she won’t believe you, and also because you are walking on a tightrope here, and you will never forgive yourself for spoiling the night by saying the wrong shit at the right time. You know how mamas are; you only have to say one wrong thing, just one, and ati now she isn’t in the mood anymore. Nkt.”

    When did you lose the plot?
    You kicked your penguin pal, you did!!!!!!

    1. …..if you can’t demonstrate that you can do the small stuff well, you won’t be given the big stuff to do….

  71. ‘They look like she works with the KWS special crack unit sent to save the white rhino.’ You are insane Biko. Good stuff.

  72. hey biko,mothers union are combat attires for those days of the month.the pimple was a tale tale…but I concur,mothers union fatigues are pure fire extinguishers.very hilarious,very

  73. Ladies you can a zillion of them mother’s unions but please, not when your guy is there. sight of them kills the mood

  74. I am literally on the floor!!!! Lol…. this is too funny but hey Biko they are the most comfortable thing in this world. Try wearing a g-string for a day, that shit is uncomfortable hehe…

  75. …A gathering of retail sin. A tableau of eyesore. A cluster of heartbreak. A fashion faux pas of underwear. A Chernobyl of fashion. Your life flashes before your eyes…..a sting operation…
    You have made my day. You have outdone yourself this time around!

  76. Hahahaha Biko your articles are my best reads when insomnia kicks in. The Mothers Union mostly come in handy ‘that time of the month’ to most women (depending on what they use) So don’t hate the MU’s so much, but I ain’t gonna judge u for getting a scare from them. Now I wanna see the animal print ones to confirm on the KWS outfit look alike-hahaha (That got me tickled)
    A hilarious fact is that them Mothers Unions get aired on the clothe lines a lot. Especially if you live at some flats you’ll never miss a few..
    Nice article. .

  77. Do you get off your sexist pieces and the sexist, misogynistic discussions you seem to enjoy facilitating among your readers? Gross really!

  78. Chernobyl of fashion hahaha. That really cracked me up!!!Biko, seriously consider putting all this genius in a book. It will sure be a best seller.

  79. hahahaha
    oh biko i’d totally get rid of mine for you! or not. . . mother’s union are too comfy! we cannot stay in uncomfortable bras and thongs everyday.sorry

  80. I don’t know why I’m only knowing you now but I love you!! Tell my husband I said that and they’ll never find your body. I have 1 M.U which darnnit I loved till you ruined it for me! Hubby will prolly give you our firstborn in gratitude now that I’ve chucked it! Score 1 for the Penguins! As for the ladies still swearing by them….sweeties its 2015…sexy 100% cotton undies are everywhere….act accordingly.

  81. Bikoooooo!!!!! You’ve made me happy…. I have learned the error of my ways (don’t get me wrong, I only have like 3 total of those things)…. Shopping tiiiime!!!