The parents consortium

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The other morning I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and Tamms was in there taking a susu. I didn’t think I needed to knock. She’s five for crying out loud, it’s not like she would be shaving. The moment I stepped in, she yelled her head off, “what are you doing? Close the door!” So I slipped in and closed the door. “Aaaah, no! Get out, and close the door!” Jeez, she was near hysteric. So I mumbled and stepped out.

She’s all grown now. At five they want privacy. It doesn’t make sense. She needs privacy to take a leak, but when she is done, she calls out to her mom to go wipe her. I think if you are old enough to close the bathroom door, you should be able to wipe yourself; front going back (I know these things). However, I wonder whether guys with boys teach them bathroom etiquette, like you know, how to shake after. And do you hold his wee-wee and show him, or do you stand there and inspect the shake?

Anyway, next year she goes to class one. Class one is a killer. The school treats it like they are going to jump off the edge of space. You are handed a long list of schools that they think will suit her. And every school is categorised and colour coded and their strengths and weaknesses listed for your pleasure.

You also are required to attend sessions in school on how the change will “affect” them. Yes, apparently changing schools and losing friends will have dire effect on them as kids (gulp). So the transition has to be “bridged” smoothly. Between me and you, I think its nonsense. Kids adapt very fast. They aren’t like us who hang onto stuff, you know, we keep whining how we miss our old houses, former colleagues etc. Kids will wear a long face for a day, and the next day they will bounce back.

I know this because when I was in SA for ten days (the longest I have been away is 6 days climbing mount Kenya), Tamms wrote down the number of days I was away on a piece of paper – the day of the week and the date. She would tick off the

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days after the end of the day. I didn’t know this was happening but when I got back I ran into this piece of paper and saw that she had not ticked the last two days. “Eff, it,” I bet she told herself, “this nigga isn’t coming back. Men! ” She got bored of waiting and moved on. She adapted to my absence. Eight bloody days is all I’m worth!

Of course that gutted me. I mean, you would think that they would wait for years, nope! Eight days. Doesn’t matter how many ice creams you buy, or chicken or shoes, they will move on. Anyway, I didn’t think too much about, but it stayed in mind, niggling, until I said OK, fine, I will confront her.

So I waited until one morning when she was having breakfast. She normally sits on this pink plastic chair, wedged about 2.1cms from the TV screen (only sissies watch TV from a safe distance). Having breakfast is a distracted episode: she can hold a slice of bread about an inch from her lips for 25mins while she is lost on some cartoon. I can shower, dress up and still find her holding that bread to her face. We lose them to cartoons then when when we finally find them, we lose them to life.

“Tamms,” I tapped her back gently. “ Why did you stop ticking these dates?”

“You are tickling me,” she mumbled, not looking at me.

“No, I’m not. Why did you stop ticking, these dates?”

No answer. So I mute the TV. She turns to look at me with a mixture of self imposed patience and revulsion.

“This thing here,” I’m tapping the paper with a smile, “ why did you stop ticking?”

“ I did not stop ticking,”

“You did. You stopped on Friday. Look. ”

She looked at it closely then said, “ I lost my pencil.”

“You could have used crayons, or a chalk, or biro pen or mommy’s eye pencil, anything…”

She looked confused at all the drama and went back to stare at the muted TV.

“Did you think I would not come back?” I whined, fishing for attention.

“ No, you went where?” She’s changing the subject.

“I went to South Africa. But did you think I will not come back?”

“Nooo!” a feeble smile.

“No as in, no you didn’t think I will come back or no, you knew I will come back?”

“But you came back!” Good point.

“Yes, but I mean, you didn’t think I would come back, did you?”

“ No.”

“No, what?”

“Are you going back, you get me a puzzle?”

“First lets solve this puzzle here!”

“Which one?”

“The one of you forgetting me!”

“Genevieve has a blue pencil holder, will also buy for me?” she asked.

I bet Genevieve would never forget about her father that’s why she gets blue pencil holders! I thought to myself, but heard myself say, “Yes, I will.”

Why bother. Asking kids such questions is like asking a woman if she came. I mean, you will get an answer all right, but you will never know whether it’s the right answer. Not when you are all touchy and ego-fragile.

Anyway, back to class one.

In preparation, we have attended of these school things where they advice and guide parents on their choice of schools. I often enjoy most school meetings (especially the father’s forums), but sometimes they can get pretty tedious: check into the lawn area, serve yourself tea, pick a mandazis, join a flock of fathers talking about their kids, meet someone new, pretend you are interested in how their son loses his footballs weekly, converge into the meeting room, listen to some smart-alec give a testimonial, use the washroom, find a lunje already in there because he took three mugs of tea, jog on the spot as you wait for him to finish, use the live hedge instead. Repeat.

But after going for so many of them, I can classify parents who attend them. You only have to stand up to ask a question and I will immediately pigeon hole you.

Mr. Professional

He has a career. The rest of you have jobs. Having a career is not bad, but this guy will make sure you know he has a career. He could be a GP, a lawyer, or an engineer. Funnily enough, I have never heard of a showy gynaecologist (no pun).

So the head teacher, will ask, “ Have you any particular needs about your children that you want addressed that perhaps you can share with the group, for purposes of learning?” His hand will shoot up. He will then stand up and take about two hours buttoning up his coat. Then he will say, “ My name is Ouma. A. McOkoth. I have a son in Green Apples called Reyad Musa Al Asaad, named after my Syrian hero (chuckle in the room). My question is about XYZ, and I ask it only because as a consulting dentist my interactions…” Then off he will go dropping references about his work and experience and affluence. When he is done with his question, three days later, you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part.

The Romantics

I like these ones. It’s always the lady who stands up, mostly a light one, a bit plump-ish. She will always ask a question and not forget to give a very rosy reference about their marriage. She will extol to us broken ones, the virtues that live of their home, how loving they are. She will always call her husband, “sweetie” or “darling”. She might even put her hand on her “hazbad’s” head while she speaks of how he lies on the carpet every evening to play with the kids. That time you came home late two nights ago and you are only barely being tolerated as a living creature, let alone a human being. But when this lady speaks, and you listen very very keenly, you will always hear the collective room roll their eyes.

The Prayerful

He almost wants to start his question with, “na tuombe…” I have nothing against people of faith. I really don’t, I think it’s a great thing, but try not impose it on people, or make them feel like they will burn in hell if they don’t pray with their kids before they sleep. And this guy, always speaking in very low sagely tone and will quote the bible gallantly to make a point.

Silent

This chap has never contributed to any debate. He comes in silently, ignores the tea (we can safely say he isn’t lunje), and sits at the back. He sometimes takes notes on his phone. Or just listens and laughs occasionally. He isn’t snobbish; he’s just socially awkward. He seems like those guys who has never won mismatched socks in their lives.

Perfect Dad

I don’t like this guy. The holder of 2012/2013 World’s Coolest Dad. He is a smart-ass who makes every dad look insufficient. He has this fatherhood down to a pat. I know a guy like this in Tamm’s school. First he has this high pitch voice that you cannot want to smile at, like that “Donge” guy from Kisumu. I’m certain Tamm’s voice is deeper. And he always wants to contribute to a discussion or a debate because he has the handbook. And when he stands to debate, he always gives example of what he does with his girls (he has two girls) and how close they are, and how he knows exactly what to do in what situation. He has a fatherhood tablet that God gave him when he went up to Mt Longonot. And us “sinners” should learn from it.

The Joker

My hero. Everybody’s hero actually. This guy never comes to many school meetings. He almost always looks like he has a hangie. But he is hilarious. When he gets up to speak, you can feel the room readying himself for a laugh. He is the guy who shouts something from the back of the room, something suicidal given the matrony-no-nonsense look of the head teacher of the school. He is friendly to everyone, so before the sessions begin you will always find guys eclipsed around him, hearing his ludicrous tale. And he laughs loudly and calls everybody “mkubwa.”

Everybody likes him because he has no pretences. His wife always looks embarrassed when he stands to speak, which adds to his intrigue. So when Mr Ouma A McOkoth is speaking, all everybody wants is to wrestle the microphone out of his hands and hand to this chap.

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  1. Lol! Going to one of these meetings at my daughter’s school this coming Saturday. Will be sure to spot these characters

    www.reneemurrey.blogspot.com

  2. “Why bother.Asking kids such questions is like asking a woman if she came. T mean, you will get an answer……”….ROFL

  3. This!! -> “When he is done with his question, three days later, you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part.”

  4. haha hilarious…which one are you Mr. Biko! I am guessing it’s the Joker…and if so then the question of “why so serious?” needs to be posed to mr.professional 🙂

  5. “you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part.” ….. Hehehehehe!

    Why do you label the noblest amongst us, ‘The Joker’?

  6. Where are my lunje people at? I say we burn Biko with boiling tea. Anyone? After drinking to our fill of course l.

  7. I hope to God i never attend the same school meetings with you :-).
    But kudos, i am happy to see you actually attend them. Don’t stop! Tamms will remember these for life. I remember my dad’s school attendances much 🙂

  8. My fav part is when asking a chic whether she came or not. hehehehe! Now seriously asking… do they come or not??

  9. Biko,

    I know am socially awkward but did you have to write about it!

    “That time you came home late two nights ago and you are only barely being tolerated as a living creature, let alone a human being” how true Sic’.
    Good job Jackson.

  10. Funny how you can find the people you’ve described in ANY social gathering…. A clear case that we never really ‘leave’ highschool. Good read as always.

  11. Tamms is only 5 n she’s acting that had to get! Brace yourself Biko, you might never get to receive any dowry for frm anyone for her!

  12. hilarious..i actually know a few perfect dads- and moms,they r annoying.Your girl is growing fast,accept n move on.

  13. Great piece Biko..and that part about Mr. Perfect Dad… #hilarious..

    I have to say that parenting articles are your stronghold..hands down!!

  14. My older one starts next term. I think I dread having to attend these things. One on ones with the teachers is ok but there’s nothing as awful as listening to parents try to outdo each other on what genius/brat/handful/whateverthehellotherthingtheirkidiswhicheveryotherkidinthewholedamnuniverseisbuttheyimagineGodoverdidhimselfwhenhecreatedtheirbrat.

    Parents are an exercise in patience and fortitude AKA Damned loudmouthed-overbearing-pains in the behind.

    HOWEVER!!! You should meet my older one, he’s the most incredible child ever. I swear when he scores the matchwinning goal in the 2026 world cup final I’ll invite all y’all for a drink coz he’ll just have gotten his third ph.d in molecular bioastronanophysics. It’s all you can do not to be blinded by the sheer all-round genius of the boy.

    1. #Ndiransh; So do you also want to start another blog to run parallel with Biko’s? If not then why not just comment on the story above and not starting yours as well?

  15. Hahaha You guy, thanks. This gift you have keep using it. Dont worry bado compe ya class-1-laptop bearing kids is still 12 years away! By that time blogs will be flying across the room in virtual reality like waves

  16. I think you left out the hot single mum. I remember going to such a meeting with my aunt and there was a MILF, whom the dads drooled over and mums wanted to drill holes into with their eyes.

    1. Ho Ho nimz!That’s awfully true!Single mums,and hot at that!Parent.Dreaded by fellow women,men on the other..burn on their loins!Great work Biko!

  17. Tamms has carried the day for me in this article.. i mean she would as well have used mommys eyepencil to do the ticking..lol 🙂

    and ofcourse the ‘3-mugs of tea taking lunje’,the joker forever hangied parent..

    and did you mean ‘worn’ mismatched socks for the silent socially akward dude?

  18. It must be the cold 🙁 Unmasked sexual innuendo with outright bashment of matters religion? Courting a MWK?

    Anyway, is there a picture of you on the net? Like your mentor Pala? A face adds abit of soul to the laughter, no? one feels rather strange just laughing loudly at conjoined verbs and nouns.

  19. And so which kind are you? the observer that pretends to be cooler than anyone else? You have also forgotten the mr. Moneybags who likes asking whether there will be international trips for their kids. .

  20. cracked me up, as usual… you know i was wondering, as a parent attending those same meetings, where do you fall? the joker, i bet.

  21. Mr. Biko, that was more than worth my LOL in a matatu, I mean it just got to me by surprise. You psycho analysing every character in that meethng, that I got to say was srink’is.

    I’ve long awaited a read, and finally you lived up, actually surpassed my expectation. Hats of for you Mr. Biko

  22. “use the washroom,find a lunje already in there because he took three mugs of tea, jog on the spot as you wait for him to finish, use the live hedge instead.” Hahaha you killed it!

  23. These fatherhood pieces provoke an ‘awww’ each time I read them. That plus the soft eyes and a constant smile, my heart warms in return. Selfishly, I give nothing back here because the thrills of parenthood are not with me. Yet. Foreign feelings to me, these are.

    All the same, good on your lil’ girl growing up. And good on you going to Class One, too.

    How about a photo of the princess, aye?

    www.fcbett.co.ke

  24. Intresting read. The Tamms part was awesome but after that i have to admit, it kinda got well tiring…..

  25. This is a well woven piece, one of those that stand courageously as a landmark of honor. It is a fatherhood account that I figure the closest I have come to shaking hands with you Biko… Asanteh. My week is made!

  26. I love how your posts leave me smiling at my monitor like a fool… you make even Mr. A there sound interesting… #HatsOfff

  27. he has this high pitch voice that you cannot want to smile at, like that “Donge” guy from Kisumu. I’m certain Tamm’s voice is deeper. ha ha some times biko u can be mean Lol!

  28. A good read…reflective and funny too… like most of them,I can say so much but sio lazima.
    Good Job!!

  29. Why bother. Asking kids such questions is like asking a woman if she came. I mean, you will get an answer all right, but you will never know whether it’s the right answer. Not when you are all touchy and ego-fragile. hehe….
    Well, must you ask????? If u need to, chances are she hasnt!!! Otherwise, great piece- U n Josaya Wasonga are the only guys whose parenthood pieces I read to the end!

  30. This Biko guy doesn’t look like he writes the way he does….but the forehead is unmistakeable. So he looks just like someone who can hold a conversation with his daughter and relate it to a woman’s orgasm.

    Killer clause: check into the lawn area, serve yourself tea, pick a mandazis, join a flock of fathers talking about their kids, meet someone new, pretend you are interested in how their son loses his footballs weekly, converge into the meeting room, listen to some smart-alec give a testimonial, use the washroom, find a lunje already in there because he took three mugs of tea, jog on the spot as you wait for him to finish, use the live hedge instead. Repeat.

    http://therealginc.wordpress.com/

  31. #riskman. Dude! Good looking out man. I keep relapsing. This reminds me of that time in GHC when Mr.Njuguna asked if 100sq feet was equal to an acre or some such and Grace raised her hand and then Mr.Njuguna pointed to her and I proceeded to shout out the answer since it was one of the few times when I actually knew the answer to one of his random questions. I also gave a short story as to how I came to know the answer. I was so proud. He then walloped me generously for speaking out of turn and from that day on, I learnt to be brief and to the point and to cut long stories short. I’m now very good at that sort of thing. I’m quite proud of it in fact. #nanikamamimi

    1. #Ndiransh… I actually agree with every single bit of your vibe.
      Expected you to respond fuming but now really disappointed. Did you say you are now brief in your answers? Hehehehe…
      Great man!!!

  32. Boss,good read all the way.Tamms is all grown up now.its time she had a baby bro and we have daddy tips through your eyes.kazi kwako.(pun intended)

  33. I really want to laugh, but i just won’t.My life has become one looong tooth!I have this bad bad bad toothache, a hole in my molar.So Baba Tamms please, hook me up with Ouma. A. McOkoth, a.k.a Baba Reyad Musa Al Asaad, named after his Syrian hero.I’m glad he asks questions only because he is a consulting dentist! But seriously…or the other ladies from ‘Bite me!’ post.Heavily counting on this referral…i am in agony literally!!!

  34. Biko, what’s your beef against lunjes? Are we finishing all the tea in the world for you?
    Good read anyway, and I think I should resume attending these school meetings – used to, but time is tight….(please don’t pigeonhole me). My son turned two on March, though my step-daughter is going on seven. The drama (or lack thereof)! You hit the mail on the head man, however paining it may be, it’s spot on.

  35. I reread the piece. You had just to sneak in the Romantics….

    http://www.makemewise.co.ke/?p=434

  36. @nimz, you have hit the nail on the head. The single mums are usually the hot women to look at as they come looking too good and are a real distraction. There’s one at my son’s school and whenever she appears am all smiles and i usually hope that my son’s mother (wife 🙁 ) will not turn up for the meeting. well….. 🙁

  37. Very funny. And, am afraid my dad would have been Mr. professional; he has a career and everyone else in the world a job. I highly doubt he would be the first to raise his hand. My folks hate drawing attention to themselves. Love the man to death 😀

  38. Ha! Biko…
    Now you know how we felt when you went to dance with the pygmies in the forest (though it was necessary). We were left pining for you!!

  39. Hehehe…love those meetings. But now there’s a new twist to it and will take some time to study parents too. Good read.

  40. I’m the Joker and Im the mother, dude. Yesterday I got a black eye from the white principal at Speech Day. Fortunately male parent was at day job to avoid embarrassment. Loved this. Had me smiling.

  41. Everyone’s asking biko what parent he is and he isn’t replying. Wonder why. Speaking of that,i’ve just discovered this blog today but i love it already. Jack biko’s the shit(no pun intended,if its a pun). How do u guest write for this blog? Does anyone know biko’s email adress? Or better yet,why don’t u give it to me jack?

  42. Creative,funny n punny piece as always. Biko’s the shit(pun intended). How does one guest write for this blog?

  43. When he is done with his question, three days later, you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part. – Can only guess which! Good work Biko

  44. When he is done with his question, three days later, you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part.
    Hilarious!!

  45. Nice one……I bet Mama Tamms is a Lunje. You know quite about Lunje pecularities. Prove me otherwise Shemeji…lol

  46. The comparison of you asking Tamms questions and that of a asking a woman if she came…lol BIKO!! So what kind of a father are you?

  47. Didn’t even know that this blog existed.. just stumbled on it this morning and ‘been laughing my throat out since.. Lol. very Creative
    http://toprated-tips.blogspot.com

  48. Hilarious piece Biko…Tamms reminds me of my niece Wangari…cc Gladys Kimani and Thomas Warirah……..wah!!!uve nailed it!!!!

  49. check into the lawn area, serve yourself tea, pick a mandazis, join a flock of fathers talking about their kids, meet someone new, pretend you are interested in how their son loses his footballs weekly, converge into the meeting room, listen to some smart-alec give a testimonial, use the washroom, find a lunje already in there because he took three mugs of tea, jog on the spot as you wait for him to finish, use the live hedge instead. Repeat. –

    LMAO! Chif, you totally killed it! #madrespect