Try Hit A Girl Today


Has something so soul-sucking ever happened that made you so certain that Lucifer is actually alive and kicking? That one evening the devil sent God an email (wasn’t he the rogue angel who broke away from heaven and started his own Finger of God? So yeah, he still has God’s email address) and wrote;

Dear God,

I hope this finds you well….OK, I don’t. Hehe. I hope those annoying harps in heaven have finally messed up your eardrums. We are good down here in hell I will have you know – nothing much happening other than the usual gnashing of teeth. Hehe. Come on, Lord, that’s funny, lighten up. (See what I did there? Lighten up?…no?)

Anyhuuu [note: it’s the devil that started this annoying word by the way] I will make this very brief because I know you have “lost flock” to go gather. It’s about Biko. Not Soko Analyst, the other annoying one with a large forehead. I know he tries to pray when he wakes up and I know you said that I shouldn’t harass him too much because his curse is his forehead (good one by the way), but I have been thinking about it and I have decided that I take great exception at him writing about those lanyards. I especially don’t like how he said some bad stuff about Airtel’s t-shirts – I’m wearing one right now so I don’t know what the hell (sic) he means when he makes disparaging statements about these rocking tee’s. I believe he was knocking my style but nobody knocks the devil’s style. I can’t let such acts of foolishness go unpunished otherwise there will be guys like him running around twitter making fun of my wardrobe choices.

I’m writing to let you know that I will be having my revenge. I would appreciate if you didn’t intervene. Or if you must, give me some time to have my fun at least.

Yours (not technically, of course).

Lucifer. A.K.A Satan.

Ps. By the way, congratulations on making Blatter do the right thing by resigning. I was tired of him anyway. He was messing up the rotation down here.

Of course God receives this email as he is about to take his stroll in the gardens, rolls his eyes and marks it as spam. Before he steps out he picks up the phone and dials 329-29, angel Gabriel picks up and he tells him, Satan wants to throw Biko under the bus. Angel Gabriel is like Steve Biko? I thought he died during apartheid? God is like, No, Bikozulu! Angel Gabriel is like, Who is that? God sighs and says, My goodness! What do you read online, man? And Angel Gabriel is like The Huffington Post….um, I meant the Bible. Anyway, why does he want to throw this Bikozulu guy under the bus and why can’t we let him? And God says, Because he wrote about some lanyards and Airtel tshirts and he says he felt insulted because he owns one, but we can’t let him throw Biko under the bus because we already gave him an extremely large forehead! Angel Gabriel laughs and says, Oooh, that forehead guy, si you should have said that kitambo? God says, Anyway, make sure Satan doesn’t go overboard like he did with that girl’s weave for yesterday. Or what he did with Job.


Yes, Job…from the Bible? The one you said you read?


So last week the devil threw me – not under a bus – but under a small car. But that’s not even the worst part, the worst part is that it was a small car owned by a woman.

Look, I see people complain on twitter about traffic jam or lousy bosses or clients from hell or Kenya Power. I see people whining about something that a politician did. Or about Monday in general. But you haven’t had a lousy day until you have hit a woman’s car in traffic.

It was technically my fault. No, actually it was the devil’s fault. So I’m waiting to turn left from Marcus Garvey Road onto Argwings Kodhek, right? In front of me is a new Mazda, a KCC something something H. The colour of the spoon sticking out of little bratty kids’ mouths in Runda. We have both indicated left and I’m concentrating at looking at the cars coming from right. What happens is that I assume that the Mazda has already turned onto the road and left and so I do the natural thing & I turn onto the road…only to realise, a bit too late, that she hasn’t moved and bang, I’m kissing her mazda ass. It’s a ka small thud, but a thud all the same.

I turn on my hazards, adjust my Deny-hat and step out of my vehicle to inspect the damage. At the same time this lady steps out holding a phone and I’m like Oh shit, just what I need today. Just my luck! I’ve seen before what ladies do to men who have hit their car. It’s ugly. They don’t take prisoners. It normally takes a sexist route very quickly if you say the wrong word. Just one word and she will be like, Are you saying because I’m a woman I can’t drive? Then you will be like, Oh come on, I didn’t say that! Here is a home truth, you hit a woman’s car, especially from behind, don’t say nothing. Anything you say will be twisted. It’s worse if it’s her first car! If it’s her first car, you’re safer insulting her hair than hitting her car.

Anyway, the damage to her car is not big, no scratch on the paintwork, just a dent inside, something a mechanic can just hit once and it pops back into shape.

She’s wearing flat shoes, but going by her dress her heels are on the floor by the passenger side. She’s about 29 or early 30’s. Probably drinks lots of water at her desk (read; glowing skin). About 5’6” tall. Chocolate. She has these thick braids that curl like serpents on top of her head. (Lucifer hiding in there, maybe? No? Disappointed is me.) No lipstick. Large breasts. A big-faced gold dress-watch on a thin wrist. No earrings. Or necklace.

When she comes out of the car she shoots me this disgusted look as if I’m the one who has serpents on my head. Like I’m a scumbag. She looks at the dent.

The hell? She says.

Not too bad, at least the paint isn’t scratched.

Are you kidding me? The paint is scratched!

Uhm, not really.

So she bends and runs her palm over the dent and then points with a finger (she has chipped blue nail polish) and says sarcastically, This, to me, looks like chipped paint!

I want to point out that that is an old chip, and you would have to use a microscope to see it. But I tell her that this is something my mechanic can fix quickly.

I don’t know your mechanic, she sniggers, to imply that my mech is incompetent.

He does great body work, this will be fixed.

No, we have to take it to my mechanic. I don’t take my car to strange garages.

Then she walks away, shaking her head while bringing her phone up to her ear.

Look, I don’t know why ladies normally get all worked up during these small fender benders. Why froth at the mouth and act like the world has stopped spinning because you hit their car. And what’s with the raised voice? There is never any reason to raise your voice. I swear if you just speak in a normal tone, you will be heard. And then there is always someone she knows in a passing car who rolls down her window and asks, Sheila, kwani what happened? And she rolls her eyes at you and tells her, HE happened, I’m sooo pissed off I don’t even know! Then her pal shoots you a dirty look and tells her, Call the cops, aki pole! Call me girl. And she drives off.

Only she doesn’t call the cops or her mechanic, she calls her man.

Ladies, will you please stop doing that? Stop calling your men when you are involved in a small fender bender! Unless they are also your mechanic. Your men can’t help you. Everyday, there are hundreds of men in this city walking out of important meetings to hear a rant about a small scratch on the car. Well meaning, hard working men are losing 10-mins of their precious time holding the phones to their ears, I say holding because they can’t get a word in edgewise. The lady just rants and rants and rants and then before he says anything she says, Let me call you back and you are left wondering, do I wait outside this meeting room until she calls back or do I walk back in and walk back out again when she calls? Then before you make up your mind you phone starts pinging with about 30 whatsapp pictures of what is supposed to be the most tragic accident in Nairobi. Life, as you know it, MUST stop!

As the lady paces up and down, spewing hate into the phone, (I catch words like “babe”, and “blind” and “some guy” and “bat”…or maybe it was “butt”) I stand there like a schoolboy who had been caught sneaking out of class early. By this time traffic has backed-up to Jogoo road & people have started ranting on Twitter about the insane traffic jam. I really wished she would get off the phone so that we can sort this out before Christmas especially since I hadn’t even said I was blameless.

Here is what I noticed though. As other motorists drove around this carnage that could have been easily sorted out with dialogue, I noticed how the male motorists gave me that sympathetic look. The one that said, they’d hate to be you. That look you give someone who has gout.

She finally gets off the phone with “babe” and I’m wondering, Is Babe coming over to put me across his knees and spank me with a big stick? Is Babe going to leave his desk unmanned and come rap me over the knuckles with a ruler? And, pray, what unprecedented judgement would mighty Babe pass on poor me? Is this how my life ends, at the merciless hands of a lady with chipped nails? The devil has surely won.

Let’s wait for the cops. She declares with her hands defiantly across her chest.

Cops? Is that necessary? I ask.

Yes, I think they should come and decide who is on the wrong.

I am in the wrong, we don’t need a cop to decide. Look, this is simple take your car to the mechanic and I will pay for the damage.

I have meetings you know! How will I move around? Will you pay for my cab?

I come oh so close to telling her, No, but I will pay for your manicure. But I try to recall some verse in the book of Ecclesiastes 7 or something which says, Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

She walks away in a huff, leans on her door and starts going through her old messages. Suddenly a skinny cop shows up – I hate skinny cops by the way, they don’t yield, they are stubborn and they don’t negotiate. The cop comes and asks, Kuna shida? And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya.

The skinny cop looks at the damage and says it’s not bad, that we can sort it out, so could we remove these cars from the road immediately? We drive and park by Chaka Road and, still with hands across her chest, she rolls her eyes all the way to the back of her skull when I tell her I will offer her 1,500 bob. (I know, hehe). After 30mins or serious pulling and tagging we finally agree on 3K. I pay her and she gets into her car and drives off without even giving me a hug. (Nkt).

Babe never showed up.

This is to all female drivers on our roads. Accidents aside, why don’t most of you ever see the need to give us way? Most women drivers will NOT give you way. A huge ball of fire could be headed your way but she will not let you get in, she will stare straight ahead under her huge shades, chin defiantly thrust forward like she’s a soldier in a passing parade. You will burn and die in your lane, my friend. But you should see them when they want to join, how they roll down their windows and flash you those smiles like you have genes that they might want for their babies and you know it’s a ruse, but you always fall for the smile and let them in. I know the Bible says do good without expecting anything in return but would it kill y’all to say thanks when we let you in?

Of course for every mean female driver there are about five great ones. May God keep blessing these five drivers. May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking.

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  1. May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking. hehehe clearly this is the devils work. Pole

  2. Lol…I’d like to say “I know how it felt” but I don’t because i’m the one siting in a PSV grinning, giving you that “Today i’m glad I dont own a car”

  3. Pretty sure God is in heaven right now breaking bread with Angel Gabriel while exchanging a tete-a-tete. “See why we can’t let Lucifer kill that guy with a big forehead. He’s got a hell of a neat mind for stories.” Haha

  4. Hahahaha – God receives this email as he is about to take his stroll in the gardens, rolls his eyes and marks it as spam.

  5. That t shirt thing really got to you. it seems we will never hear the end of it and now do you think the score is settled? or Lucifer has just started?

  6. I have been a fan for the longest time now, never left a comment or anything, but I always enjoy reading your pieces. This one in particular, is hilarious. Hope I become one of those 5 great drivers when I get my first

  7. Nice one Biko…True…ladies are a little aggressive on the roads.Even crossing streets.they can’t give you way.All the same i think men give way and slow down because they see a lady’s butt and think its a bump…

  8. Those Airtel tees must have been the ugliest….., I had to stop by the roadside to read this piece & it was worth it.And how big is your forehead?

  9. You should be grateful she didn’t give you a hug because there would have been another accident, what with that forehead of yours! It’s your forehead she feared, biko. Great post as always!

  10. Biko you have genes i might want for my babies, forehead included.
    Wonderful as always, save for the God, Gabriel and the devil part. No judgement though.
    I like

  11. Biko, you do outdo yourself! Ati tunarelax tu hapa kwa intersection na Huyu ako na kucha mbaya. Whoever says that?

  12. Must we drive so close to each other? Even cars want personal space. Women…you are judged by the extent of your chipped nail polish. Follow the all or nothing rule.
    And Biko, if you think hitting a lady’s car is bad…..try pissing a lady cop. I promise you scars!

  13. So true man, been there twice! the second one called the babe and the uncle! Bottom line – Anything you say will be twisted! Cheers man, keep up!

  14. Death by laughter…That letter was damn hilarious but I sort of agree with you on the driving issue, I see it every day as much as I am a woman

  15. good read…..i always get offended though whenever i see someone referring to God with small H….he…him…his….arrggggh!!!

    see into that??? yeah??? good!!

  16. Angel Gabriel is like Steve Biko? I thought he died during apartheid? God is like, No, Bikozulu! Angel Gabriel is like, Who is that? God sighs and says, My goodness! What do you read online, man?
    Biko, I have laughed in the office – yet again, I need to be reading your articles in the privacy of my home…

  17. Ha ha ha ha…….this is too funny Biko. I really need to stop reading these articles in the office. Good one sir!!

  18. Women and things, generally difficult. We can’t get enough of their petty stuff, they are the little devils with fake smiles…..
    I have slept in jail cz of that, n God forgive those women, that think only a cop will solve problems…..
    Great work Biko…

  19. biko leads you on…just like a stripper does. you follow on … he with-holds sometimes…and lets you complete the joke yourself..cause after all its more interesting and fun that way. then when you list expect…the bombshell!!. you hold your laughter for a sec… but you cant do it for long….you -burst out-!!….see biko?…lol lol reminds me of the stripper story – maybe you should just write!!

  20. Hehe Biko so if she had a perfect manicure you wouldnt have rear-ended her car?
    For every sensible male driver, there are about five chauvinistic ones. Somehow, our ability to shift into gear six is inhibited by our ‘large’ boobs. See, by the time I get to that junction I have encountered numerous egocentric bullies and the glint that pops into your eyes when you realise it’s a lady driving tells me you are just one more to add to the body count 🙂

  21. Geeezuz!!! somebody pick me up!!!! hahahahhahhahahahaha maaaaze!!!! ‘May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking.’

  22. Amen to “May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking”.
    As for flashing a smile, always works 🙂

  23. Shame on that Gabriel, how can he not know you! But then again he isn’t God is he? Seriously thou, I’m with you on that “calling babe” thing … is he supposed to swoop down from the heavens or wherever and rescue you? That whole damsel in distress thing is so tired … sort your shit out your licence has your name on it not babe’s … IJS

  24. Hilarious…. now we know that it should be 3k… 1k for manicure, 1k for extra fuel and 1k for keeps coz anyway, Babes will fix it up, that’s why its important to call babes to get ready with some loose cash to fix the dents…. hey and the story is always, that butt head drove off and left me there waiting…. who will care to follow up on some random guy who ‘chipped’ babes car? now you know!!

  25. The most hilarious…..The cop comes and asks, Kuna shida? And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya. Poor you!

  26. Hahaha,Biko half of the women out here are carrying baggage you know nothing about.An accident is about the only distraction they get and they have to fully utilise the break.Nice read

  27. “The cop comes and asks, Kuna shida? And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya.”
    haha aki surely Biko, my day is made.Greatread as always.

  28. I can picture this exact scene playing out – and the bar banter when I meet up with this lady friend later when she’s giving me a blow by blow account of this incident where some dude messed up her entire day. The conversation will be fuelled by copious amounts of wine. Sweet red wine (eeeew). The wine will be paid for by that 3,000/- you paid her. Now she has a bigger paint chip for the next guy who rear-ends her. This time she’ll be sure to fetch 5,000/- And ill get a bottle of wine. Cheers Biko!

  29. I am one of the five good ones… or at least i try. Some indian guy hit me from behind… i got out of the car, confirmed there was no dent, exchanged numbers with him just in case i missed something and left. He was shocked and even commended me for not being dramatic. Did not know how much we harass you guys until then… Ps. I did not even call babe until later 🙂

  30. Clearly you know where we keep our heels while driving and yes, i am one of those 5 good women drivers and i give way…ok..some times…..

  31. Sigh, not to further a stereotype …. but there is lady that parks next to me at work. She can’t park for shit – as everyone reverse parks into their slots, she does the opposite … taking up most of the space to the right (my parking spot) and I struggle parking.

    Left her a note, asking her to learn to park as she is frustrating me … she told the guards to tell me to fuck off

    1. you should get to work before her, park very close to her parking and give her a taste of her own medicine. (serves you right for showing up late for work)

  32. *Sigh* As one of the five good and considerate female drivers in Kenya… first, thanks for the blessing. That reverse parking is a bitch esp when a watchie who has never driven a car inconjunction with your man in the passenger seats are giving you instructions that don’t make sense. Please note, when alone, however tight, I always manage. Secondly… Secondly… you got me here “Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya” I wish you’d said it out loud… now wouldn’t that have been an awesome blogpost from the confines of a cell? LOL! Awesome writing as always.

  33. Any takers that this story will reach the one of the chipped nails..? and she’ll read and hate the fact that she took the 3K…lol. great read as always.

  34. Biko you have to agree that you will one day foot a funeral bill for a gang member who dies reading this blog. I am finished on this…………..every time I think I have read your best, there is always a new best from you.

  35. Part of God, ze devil and Angel Gabriel. Too hilarious.
    Now I wonder if this mrembo with bad ‘kucha’ reads you hahaha if you do dear mrembo please do come and tell us your side of the story 🙂

  36. she rolls her eyes all the way to the back of her skull when I tell her I will offer her 1,500 bob

    hahahha im dying…Nice one Biko. I get to learn alot about women…and i will try not to be loud and not to call my man the day some strange guys hits my car

  37. HAHAHAHAHA! That intro bit was the best!!! I can only imagine Lucifer writing that and the conversation between God and angel Gabriel. Anyhuuu hehe 🙂

  38. The email from Lucifer a.k.a Satan is hilarious! But how can Angel Gabriel read the Huffington Post when Mpasho is ‘all the rage’ (hehe!)
    Pole sana you had to go through that I can assure you that we (lady drivers) are not all that bad. Maybe she was having a really bad nail day 🙂

  39. This was too funny.LMFAO…
    1.I would so totally react the same way that chille did.its what we do. we call the boyfriend mostly coz he takes our car to the mech. and which woman knows how to quantify damage anyway? like how much is it to fix a dent anyway?
    2.My boyfriend hit a chic some months ago, she called her man,ofcorse,hang up said she only takes her car to Subaru Kenya and “they” read “boyfriend” said it would cost 10k to fix.he paid her 5k.painfully.worst part he had to bribe the cop too.
    3.How big is that forehead?like for real? i need you to insta some pics of seriously.we need to visualize the damage!!

  40. Haha Biko that lady sounds like me except for the chipped nail polish bit.Everytime I get a traffic mishap be it being pulled over by a cop or any minor accident I first call babe before even trying to handle it. Thanks for making me understand babe doesn’t appreciate it. Scouts honor am never calling in such a situation again.

  41. The cop comes and asks, Kuna shida? And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya. You should have said tunakatakata sukuma na huyu mrembo, hakuna shida officer.

    Then giving out 1500, he he…ukikuyu itakuua

  42. “May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking” hehe Trust Biko to paint humor on just about anything
    and Oh! am shocked you know the Bible that much… Ecclesiastes 7 hmmm

    1. He was raised SDA knowing the Bible is Key, plus teach a child in the way he should go and he will never depart from it…that stuff stays with you

  43. I once ran into a kucha mbaya on dennis pritt.She jammed to give me space to join the road and then she ended up hitting the car infront of her.I just thought really??After all that?atleast nyima a dude space with some skill…

  44. Hi Bikozulu,

    I had a similar incident some years back – I hit a bull bar of guy’s SUV, and he came out of the car spewing insults! Never mind my car was dented and his did not have the scratch of my paint on it (I was more or less rolling as I waited for my turn to join a junction that’s hardly ever busy – the Thigiri ridge rd/Peponi Rd junction). I also thought he’d moved at a junction, but he had not – yet the road was empty.

    Needless to say, I, a woman, ended up having a lousy day because I hit a man. It was my fault, but it was also his because he did not move ha ha! Note, I had been completely accident free for about 8 years – but I had quite a bit of stress that day and was rushing out of the office to sort it out.

    Anyhoo… great article as always

  45. Hahahhahahhahahha awesome read…. This female driver sounds like a saint compared to a screaming lunatic one i reversed into at Shell westlands….You would have thought a car was a child and I had killed the child…..

  46. This post made my day. Thanks.
    I will never look at Airtel T-shirts the same way…won’t be surprised if they decide to redo them

  47. Yawa Biko, *I die* I hope the religious sycophants don’t descend on you. And ofcourse God reads your blog and smiles

  48. I went through something similar to your experience a few weeks back. At least the lady you hit was sensible enough to negotiate with you. Try hitting an old lady!! My accident involved one who would not listen to jack!!! Because we couldn’t agree, the cop insisted we go to the police station which involved giving the cops kitu kidogo. all this because of a broken light. Women!!!

  49. Hahahaha Biko u have killed me o…Ati Steve Biko died during apartheid? LOLEST! Soko Analyst should kill somebody.

    Am sure the Mazda was a demio (the car fad right now among ladies). Awesome read it was.
    *Guys looking at me with evil eyes coz of the loud laughter caused by BikoZulu (The one who didn’t die during apartheid). 🙂

    1. Aki biko,there is no one else to call when I encounter such incidences but babe.He helps me yes but never comes there 🙁

      N the chipped nails…OMG,thank God mine are always done. Wacha Ujaluo uniue.N yes,male matatu drivers drive us up the not forgive one if he rare ended me.N the smiles…we’ll continue flashing em

      Great piece bro.

  50. Halfway through i shared this piece to almost half of my contacts. This, this right here got some serious screaming ovations.That letter should be framed and put in some museum for adoration man. outdoing yourself in 7D!

  51. hmm…I can’t reverse park to save my life . Rather, I think I can but why bother,when we can park front sideways .Hilarious though, this is so me when I’m knocked. Though the calls are imaginary.

  52. Hell yeah….I definitely have to acknowledge that you are one down-right creative writer.I mean the humour and boldness in this script tells the story.Angel Gabriel just nailed it!!!!…..
    And the Lucifer(Satan) cold jokes are so hilarious.Well done!!!!!!

  53. I have never heard you speak so loudly about God,women and deity of Satan as you did in this article. I can’t help but just laugh at your purported ‘crime’.Rather it’s how you describe the ‘girl’ almost seeing her as the prototype of Satan. And Satan and God are not only ethereal, but lives in the lives of people.In your encouter, you showed your remorse and the girl-Satan-like is spiteful and vengeful in her character.Oh what a incident! You nailed it better when you quoted Ecclesiastes. King Solomon knew how it feels to be slaved by women. That proverbs sayings would have also captured everything about women[ girls]. I’m not biased when women are mentioned but sometimes they catch ’emotions’ for know apparent reason.

  54. I believe I must be the only girl who can reverse and reverse park but cannot drive into a front parking unless the car is straight. Parking in the supermarket has to be crazy for the guy behind me. Well this is hilarious…my one accident was with a mathree and I was on the wrong but my dad taught me to NEVER accept liability so was rooting for the “madam kila mtu atengeneze gari yake”speech.

  55. next time anza na kumshow “hii ni makosa kidogo ya mia mbili grogon. hii ni nyundo tu na buffing” badala ya tenga tatu ungelipa moja

  56. Oh my God, that God, Gabriel and Lucifer conversation up there (pun intended) killed it!
    Hahaha. and this one line

    And in my
    head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer,
    tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu
    mrembo ana kucha mbaya…..

  57. Biko,
    I have been your ardent reader but my failure to comment has had something to do with me enjoying the delicacy of your writ. You amaze me by your degree to create a description that brings the mind, heart, soul and eyes to that moment.
    I take great cognizance of your towering linguistic skills. My Tuesdays and/or Wednesdays are always taken care of.
    Keep up the excellent work good Sir.

  58. i was in a silent bank hall while reading this, it had me laughing like a fool … That letter!! Good one Biko

  59. listen you old fool for i shall say this only once if you have a death wish do not drag us your fans with know what they those sabab people.they dont wrap meat with them.they use them to make a bonfire to roast the kebabs they make out and your followers

  60. “And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya.” I honestly cannot deal! Hahahha woi Biko!

  61. “So she bends and runs her palm over the dent and then points with a finger (she has chipped blue nail polish) and says sarcastically, This, to me, looks like chipped paint!
    Why do girls wear chipped paint…… it’s the ultimate valuation for first sight… Amazing Read!

  62. Hahahaha…Biko this has got me laughing the whole afternoon. Can she go for a manicure already.

  63. Correct me if I am wrong but isn’t the right person to call the insurance guy and not BAE or OMOSH-the mech..???

    1. Anyway, that aside… I know and feel you on that female driving habits rubbish… I’m shocked no one has come out to call you a chauvinist yet…

  64. Oh Biko you had to make sure we have a vivid picture of those kucha mbaya…..can’t stop laughing. I like the fact that babe never showed up.

  65. Biko, sorry to hijack your post! Women drivers out there, this is my story. On Feb. 20th at 7.15 am, a Toyota Prado KAT 621N, driven by one Victor Seii, rammed hard into the back bumper of the Nissan Sunny KBB 535R i was driving. Where? The same road that Biko had his, i.e. along Marcus Garvey Rd, right opposite Mama Oliech (on the way to Arwings Kodhek Rd). I also came out ready to call cops. So after the usual long story of ‘Oh don’t call cops, this can be sorted out here…’, we exchanged numbers and off i went to work. Big mistake!!! Victor Seii has ignored all my calls and texts. I ended up fixing the bumper. I have photos (i took there as we negotiated after the incident) and also a note he signed admitting liability and pledging to pay up. My fellow women drivers, if a man hits your car, wait for cops. Heck if you can, call the IG! Even if one has to use a microscope to see the scratch left on the car. Sort the issue with the cops. Lessons well learnt! Go on ‘try hit a girl from now on’. Nkt!

    1. Catherine, the issue is not sorting out your car. The issue is the theatrics immediately after the fender bender, no cause for such ruckus. Vehicles can be fixed, even ours have been fixed, but in a calm manner!

    2. Catherine,
      I agree with you.An Embassava hit me two weeks ago on a Saturday evening, pushed me on the road and left.It was a minor issue, but they told me to fuck off and that nothing will be done to them.By midday the next day, the bus had been impounded and they offered an opology and cash to repair. I didn’t call Babe or family but by the time i woke up on Sunday, I was trending on Twitter and Facebook.The cops at the station were calling me Wangari Maathai Junior. Never hit a girl and insult her or drive off.She could be a loose nut like me.She will update on facebook and twitter and even copy the IG.

  66. 1..God reads you……ahem
    2. women ….lucifer ….reverse parking!
    3.kudos to the forehead….how large is it anyhuuu???
    and like the phoenix you came back from apartheid to make my night

  67. Perfact picture of the morden lady Kenya hosts. You will think they are acting in some black american movie. I’ve come across them but i dont blame them. its the digital migration that has infected them with this virus.

  68. I’ve just read this post a few minutes ago, and it felt like a flash forward.Like seeing my future. I’m totes this girl. New mazda, I drive in flat shoes, chipped polish albeit pink in color and terrible road rage to boot. Thankfully, I can reverse park thanks to our office parking rules. Meh.

    Well, today as I was coming from work, I saw this massive and I mean M. A. S. S. I. V. E. Prado riding my bumper. I inhaled, closed my eyes and let it pass. But dude wouldn’t quit RIDING MY BUMPER. I put my hazard-lights on (is that what they are called?) to let a brother know I was on to his mighty annoying game. Game you ask? Yes. Apparently he was having fun annoying me. He was laughing cuz he could see how extremely pissed I was. I did everything I knew how to, to avoid a fender bender. What he gained from that little escapade I don’t know. But I swears, I was seconds away, from getting out, walking to his window and asking him, what part of personal space he doesn’t get.

    Not sure who between me and him was sent by Lucifer. But my guess is, it’s him, coz you know, I was minding my business. Nevertheless, thanks for this post because looking from the outside in, I realize it’s never that serious, and being petty is not a good look. As you were.

  69. Biko jst started reading ur blog other day(bt with true love i start with ur column)…n i must admit,u av a way with words!Burying a kikuyu and that trip u made to luanda kotieno…left me in stitches!

  70. KCC sth sth H,I hit you I run for it.ain’t parting away with 6k ever again esp after she thought I was already gunning for it (pedal to the metal) na ako mbele yangu kwa bridge jam ya road block… shetani ashindwe

  71. Its now official am no longer reading your posts in the office otherwise I might be committed to mathare for laughing like a mad man. Great read as always. Thant intro on the email killed me.

  72. Eh! Still peeling myself off the floor! When I grow up,I want to have well manicured nails before getting behind a wheel-any wheel!!!!
    But Biko,be nice! Yawa,we’re not that bad…are we??? LOL!!!! #crumblesintofitofunladylikelaughter.
    Oh,and Mr.Bikozulu,there’s that pesky little thing called
    the 6-inch rule, yeah,it works wonders in traffic!

  73. Interesting read! And when you encounter that one in every six female drivers when you are about to change lanes, the steering wheel is firmly held with both hands, the body close to it..a little frown on the face. No opportunity is availed for trying your charm on her. Lakini una za kiroho, samehea kucha jamaneni…

  74. I would love to sit at your feat at a campsite,bonfire blazing,just listening to your stories.I’d probably die from dry lungs syndrome.Awesome pic Biko.Loved the bit of Luc,God and Gabe best.

  75. OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! BIKOZULU THIS IS ME!! I’m the one you hit that morning!! OMG!!!!!!! Small world i swear!!!! OMG! I’m your BIGGEST BIGGEST fan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I read True LOve religious from the back and I love love love your Msafiri articles which I read when I fly!! It’s such a small world i swear. My name isn’t Sheila by the way, its Sheena! This is super weird because I travelled to Amsterdam after you hit my car and I only came back last night and didn’t put on my phone until this morning when I found a whatsapp message from my pal who i had told about some moron who hit my car and when i put on my phone I found her message in caps IT WAS BIKOZULU WHO HIT YOUR CAR, read his blog NOW!!!! hehehe (we are such BIG fan of you). I have just read it and I’m SUPER EXCITED and i’m laughing, YOU ARE FUNNNNNNY. OH MY GOD! I can’t believe it was you, you DON NOT LOOK ANYTHING like what I imagined! NOT AT ALL! And my nails were not blue, they were off green! Hehe, ati chipped nail! HAHAHAHA. Sileeee. You should hit my car now my nails are looking fabulous! Haha. You forgot to write about the guy who came to “help” us on Chaka hahaha…but you were so calm about the whole thing and I love how you were dressed!! You are so young, I have always imagined that you are this oldish looking guy with boring clothes!!! If only you would have said I’m bikozulu, I swear we wouldn’t have spent more than 2mins there, I would have let you go…after a selfie of course, to prove to my pals that you are real! I’m such a fan, email me your number and I will refund your 3k today!!!! 🙂 Nice meeting you bikozulu even in such bad circumstances lakini you forgot to write that I was smelling good hehehehe. Peace.

    1. Hey Sheena, nice to “meet” you….again! 🙂

      You know I was curious to know if this story would get to you somehow! My bet was that it wouldn’t, and so it’s flattering to read from you. I’m surprised you find this funny, I thought you would catch serious feelings by me mentioning that your nails were kinda off bana! Hehe. And ati you would have let me go if I would have told you I’m Bikozulu? Lies!! How would that have gone? Me: Hi, by the way, I’m bikozulu! You: Good for you, and I’m Sheena. Let’s wait for the cops.


      Glad this has turned out well, and that we can all have a laugh about it. Keep reading and please thank your pal for also being a fan.

    2. Sheena, you are one amazing lady AND with a very good sense of humour! Biko, eeeehish I am off to do my nails geez!! Women, we are completely finished

    3. So Lucifer used you to visit Biko……..nway the selfie would not be a success …I am not mentioning about some ones forehead

  76. I usually like your articles Biko, but on this one you touched a sensitive spot. I’ve been in THIS situation before. .. Some punk ass dude (yes it was a guy) hit me from the back trying to brunch of from a main road. Again he ASSUMED I had moved forward which is funny coz there was a flipping car in front of me. I don’t like it when people drive on my behalf, you can’t see what I am seeing from where I am, so stop hooting and driving into other people. Now like you said such dents are not that big, so in my case the dude agreed he was wrong so I didn’t see the need to call cops. So we moved our cars on the side of the road to talk. Guess who I called? ? Yep! You guessed it! I called my man not because he’s a mechanic but because I’ve never been in an accident before and wanted to ask what happens in such a case. .. Nway details were exchanged. The punk said we’ll go to HIS mechanic in Kawangware. . Unlike you he wasn’t willing to pay cash for the dent. Long story short I went to meet this so called mechanic, they expected me to leave my car there for 5 hours. Like I’m stupid. .They could take out some spare parts n I wasn’t gonna sit around n wait. In the end the guy refused to pay I left there furious and eventually paid 7K for the damage. Never again! And I’m one of the kinder female drivers on the road. .even after this stupid accident which should have never happened in the first place.

  77. ha haaa, never laughed this hard on a morning. hope am among the five great lady drivers who should be blessed and lucifer stopped from standing in the way between me and reverse parking.Amen

  78. Biko you are a genius!!! I love it!! babe never showed up haha..digehota!!

    Oh yes and I like the verse “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosomof fools.”

  79. Angel Gabriel laughs and
    says, Oooh, that forehead guy, si you
    should have said that kitambo?
    This forehead lakini
    Great read as always

  80. I guess its worse if her man is in the car with her. I made the grave mistake of approaching him to talk it out like gentlemen and all hell broke loose. Dearest “babe” couldnt say a word
    after that for fear of being seen as siding with me though I could see he wasnt keen on an argument. Long story short, we ended up at a police station with drawn out insurance manenos for something we could have sorted on the spot.

  81. The cop comes and asks, Kuna shida? And in my head a little voice says, Hakuna shida, officer, tuna relax tu hapa kwa intersection na huyu mrembo ana kucha mbaya.DEAD!!!

  82. I love how you keep picking on her nails hehehe

    Anyway, it’s hard enough being a lady driver in this city without some guy bumping into your car… Y’all give us a break

  83. HEHEhehehehehheh! Ati he is knocking my style and nobody knocks the devils style haha yani i am beyond ”lightened up” u killed it as always bro.

  84. Bwahahahahaha, just made my morning. I too once knocked a female driver, and she got out of the car holding a phone to her ear, to her husband, or something. When he showed up, he didn’t do anything we couldn’t have done, me and her!

  85. That letter and the dialogue….heheee….made my slow day bearable. Thank you God for giving Biko the big forehead wherein lies the oh so funny creative mind.

  86. Hilarious read as always…. How cool is @Sheenah though? That she is riding along with the jokes bila “mafeelings” for the kucha mbaya label LOL

  87. As always I’m laughing like a fool in the office. I’ll have to stop reading your pieces in the office.

    And God definitely has a great sense of humor…He created you after all.

  88. Just checked my nails!!!but again i don’t drive so am safe.OOh and my best friends car was scratched by my neighbour at the parking lot,who is a woman(35/40)she completely denied owning the Passo.We let it pass(Monday morning you want to get to work than argue who owns a Passo in the neighbourhood) spend 7g’s repairing am still wondering to date why anyone would completely disown their car for 7g’s or maybe it was the shame of hitting a subaru owned by a 28 year old lady?

  89. hahaa, Biko, I’m reading your this with my chipped nails which I’ve been trying to hide the whole day. Lets just hope someone wont notice the nails while I continue typing a comment…

  90. “And, pray, what unprecedented judgement would mighty Babe pass on poor me? Is this how my life ends, at the merciless hands of a lady with chipped nails? The devil has surely won”
    Hahahhaha, humor like only Bikozuku can..

  91. And just like that Biko gets his 3K back… Isn’t it nice to be famous… 🙂

    Sheena’s nails though!!!

    Great read, as usual. 🙂

  92. hahaaaa Biko,the guy with a big forehead…this is so interesting,day well made.nimecheka yangu yote,ati drives away even without hugging you,hahaaa

  93. I feel you Biko, it happend to me to,damn that feeling after you have parted with 3k,and why do they ask for 3k?

  94. Mind blown! Hats off! This is the 1st article of yours I’ve read & I’m quite impressed. You’re hilarious! Now I’m hooked!

  95. hehehehehe Biko Biko Biko… Thanks for saying that for me, Some ladies are serious put offs on the road. When i grow up, i want to be Biko

  96. I had a puncture yesterday, thanks to a good samaritan who came running to help but I still called ‘babe’ not sure why we call them.

  97. Wouldn’t be reading these articles in a mat again. People may mistake me for a fool Biko… Nice read man… That email was dope.

  98. But Biko surely, this part . . . .”May he stop lucifer from standing in the way between you and reverse parking”

    Lady drivers, why is reverse parking such a crinkum-crankum affair?

  99. Dear Biko,
    Have you ever thought that maybe women drivers have their guard up on the roads because of HOW men treat them? We are constantly bullied, especially by matatu drivers and slowly our resilience has taught us to develop a I-DONT-GIVE-A-SHIT (even though we do) attitude as we deal with male drivers.
    I have been driving since I was 12 and I must say I am an aggressive driver. I drive an old manual BMW and I push when I am pushed. Its part of the Nairobi struggle. One guy really tried to cut me at the all Saints/ NSSF t-junction and after much pushing and shoving, he asked me out on a date! Clearly, he was impressed!

  100. Oh Biko! Where do I start my comment from? Btw, I’m a first time ‘commenter’! Let me start by saying/writing I
    stumbled on your blog (can’t remember how and when) and since then I’ve been trying to read up all articles along with their comments till my eyes hurt everytime! I’m non-Kenyan but I’ve learnt the meaning of the word “Pole” from your article “Your mom will break your heart”.. such a touching piece! I’m so thankful for my mum everyday (even just spoke to her this morning and put up on my bbm that “I definitely count my momma twice when I count my blessings” and I truly sympathize with as many have lost their mums. God will definitely comfort you all!
    Let me also add that every time I read your blog, you remind me of the lovely Kenyan couple I met in Dubai during my hubby and I’s honeymoon..who were also ‘honeymooning’ themselves.
    I have to say/write again that most of your articles are deep even those infused with so much humor and I aint ashamed to say I’m a fan! More ink to your pen Biko and never stop writing!
    P.s- Pardon my long comment, I wanted to make sure you saw/read this comment if not I’d have written it under the “mothers” post (which I just read today) but it felt too long ago for you to go back to read again. If you do read this, kindly reply even if its a “Hello first time “commenter”! Lol! 🙂 Well done Bikozulu!

    1. Hallo first time commentor! :-). Thanks for stopping by here and plesse keep reading. Where are you reading from, incidentally?

      1. Yaay! Thanks for replying.. I’m highly honored! Would leave you guessing where I’m (reading) from (clue: I’m an African!) :). Maybe I’d reveal in subsequent comments.. or not!
        You kinda made my evening as some dude is tryna use “his reggae to spoil my blues!” Lol! Gracias!

  101. Hehehehehe….wait… Even after all that bonding she didn’t give you a hug? ! That was definitely the doing of the devil. .

  102. I have been under a rock….just started reading your blog. 1. Lol and thnx for the entertainment. …I love words and I think I’m in love. My my you have a way with words! Good job and may that head never shrink, it has a duty to fulfill. Thnx!

  103. Guys are cheast thumping on how cool they are in such situations, but what happens when a girl hits a man’s car? Insanity.
    After leaving a small dent and a scratch on a man’s car he decided and his mechanic agreed that the whole car needed repainting! One of the longest days of my life

  104. Was i living under a rock till today when i discovered bikozulu? letter to God from Lucifer absolutely crazy hehee

  105. I hope Nairobi ladies take your advice “Stop calling your men when you are involved in a small fender bender!

  106. I once hit a girl.The backside of her IST had afew scratches and a small dent. The drama the girl caused, called Babe, talked to me pointing her midget finger at me..I told her to take her car to my garage,i own one, she refused. She wanted a new bumper. I told her “hatutaharibu hapa wakati kwasababu ya dent ya elfu mbili”. I instructed she take my insurance details and follow it up.I even made her aware that i will have to pay an excess fee of about 20K to them but i had no problem with that,just to teach her a lesson. She called Babe again. Am sure she was told of the hassle of following up with insurance.Long story short, the car was fixed at my garage for five days just so she learns her lesson.Just because you are loudest in an argument doesnt make you right.On the road, we are human, not girl or boy.The laws of the road are not Sexist,racist etc
    PS.I happen to know both Bikos from Kenya, Steve and Jackson,both good at their trades.

  107. “You will burn and die in your lane, my friend. But you should see them when they want to join, how they roll down their windows and flash you those smiles like you have genes that they might want for their babies and you know it’s a ruse, but you always fall for the smile and let them in” #worksEveryTime

  108. Biko, I have read your articles ever since I discovered your blog during the “visa denied” saga. From that time I started digging your archive, mwanzo to mwisho. I’ve been reading every piece religiously. I laugh till my ribs ache. I had sworn I will only comment when I see a bad piece (now u can call me names, eh), but that aint gonna happen at the rate u have been putting these wonderful pieces together.
    Having said that, I have a bone to pick with u- kwani the female species walikutendeani? Mara its our driving skills, another time mothers union …etc why can’t u just let us be, ha? Anyways, I love your every piece. I just wish u could put a book together, nitaisoma five times cover to cover like your blogs. Haki its too late but pole for losing your mum. Your piece on “your mum will break your heart” made me cry and appreciate my mum the more …

  109. Biko I understand where you are coming from. Not to be a sexist but ladies, what is with the hard stances you take on the road yaani! You would think her nails would chip if she ‘kanyagiad’ you upite. And the same hard stance is translated on to fender benders.However it is true there are those gracious ones. I once rear ended a lady who looked expensive (even the car was expensive)!!! She looked like she was going to murder me when she stepped out of that vehicle. She did that thing of running her fingers over the dent and then surprise surprise she just left. I think my baby-face had something to do with it, Sheena maybe just did not like your forehead hehehe. Probably thought I couldn’t pay for the damage. Curse these baby features for the times I have not been taken seriously but that day I was grateful. Come to think of it I should probably use the same when I want to cut into a lady driver

  110. hahaha, I’ve been the babe who was called after a small fender bender. Not interesting.
    BTW, Biko, you once hit a man called Njogu and you promised the gang if you ever sired a son you would name him Njogu.
    So is your son called Kim Njogu?

  111. Dude, you’ve just made my Monday- always on point bro. Hope you don’t ram into a GK vehicle anytime soon.
    Ok, maybe late this year so you can give us story.

    1. Esther, please mark this comment when you do.We shall revisit it.Trust me, it comes automatically.You hit my Nana, I deal with you.I don’t call Babe or any male friend or family because they always ruin it.I deal with it.

  112. Great read Master Biko. You had made good with the gods (Not that Lucifer guy-who clearly had a bone to pick with you), because otherwise she woud have used her chipped painted (on her nails-my bad it’s polish) fingers to slide on her phone in attempt to launch her phone camera to have a pic of your ride’s reg plate, and insuarance policy sticker number as leverage.

  113. Prove to me that you actually read all the comments. My request is simple. I just want to have lunch with you. I need me some good laughing (not sure if that grammar is correct) 🙂

  114. Biko hahahahaha maze inafaa uwe churchil show, unatumada maze, and again you just said Mazda, when I hear Mazda I just picture a skinny lady who borrowed a bank loan and is struggling to pay 5Gs every month lool..So stay away!

  115. hahahaha I haven’t had a good laugh in a while. I hope you don’t use airtel services at anytime, they will block you. You clearly threw them under the bus. I also hope that lady reads this blog so that she can hate her chipped blue nail polish.

  116. First time commenting as a new “gang-ee”. Letter to lucifer… wololo. For a long time I had been reading The Huffington Post as the The Huffing Post. Am guessing lucifer stood in the way between Huffing and ton.

  117. hahahaha biko. Your writing is vivid. I could just picture you and that damsel mkicheki dent kwa bumper. Good stuff.

  118. hahahaha hilarious. Jokes aside, women can’t multitask when they are driving, talking on the phone, texting etc and driving are only meant for men, no sexism here…….but its proven. Pole Biko( na si unipee hiyo tshirt yako ya airtel)

  119. Hahahaha! I have been telling my husband about mean female drivers who won’t give you way/say thank you for like a year!
    I will present this to him as proof.

  120. Biko,this story has an uncanny resemblance to one you wrote in 2012-where you and a pal were going to drink and you accidentally knocked a girl from behind-nice writing though

  121. LOL! one of my favourites (even in the middle of the night).
    Nice read Bikozulu.great talent!
    Hope to meet you some day.

  122. This has just made my day. I have quietly been repenting for harassing men on the road as I was reading this.

  123. Woiiiii my poor ribs!!!she rolled her eyes all the way back to where? Biko next time should that happen and madam decides to call her man, tell her defiantly you’re calling your wife as well so that they can come and discuss!!!. Puahahaha