I called Njogu this morning; remember him the guy I almost killed? Well, yes, we haven’t talked in ages and so I decided to check on him, see if he is still breathing and all. It was pretty early when I placed that call, around 7.49am, round about the time I knocked him down the last time. We had a very interesting conversation. Like most lawyers I know, he is quite the witty one and quite often self deprecating. A swell guy to say the least, you will see why.
The phone rings like four times. Then he picks.
The Killer (that’s me): Chief, it’s Biko, howzit?
Njogu: Hey Biko! How you doin’ man?
Killer: Easy, what’s goin’ on, things OK in ya neck of woods, sued anybody lately?
Njogu: (laughs) No, it’s kinda slow now this month, I wish I could ruin someone’s life, you know, send em to jail for a long long time. Well, I guess there are months like this you know.
Killer: True. But you keeping well?
Njogu: Yeah, nobody has tried to run me down with their car lately, just so you know.
Killer: (laughs) What a shame.
Njogu: How’z the missus?
Killer: Depressed. She still hasn’t gotten over the fact that you didn’t throw my ass in jail.
Njogu: (Laughs)
Killer: How’re the kids?
Njogu: Growing, growing…how’z ya lil girl?
Killer: Growing…growing…
Njogu: (chuckles)
Killer: Hey, how is ya head now anyway, did you chuck those bandages?
Njogu: I did, kitambo sana…I miss that Mkorino look though.
Killer: I suppose you have scar, no?
Njogu: You suppose?! I have a huge-ass scar man! An ugly thing that runs down my face, you messed up my good looks!
Killer: (Laughs) Stop whining, a little personality on the face never hurt anyone.
Njogu: (Laughs) Oh yeah?
Killer: For sure, I bet you have chicks walking up to you in the pub wanting to run their fingers on it, count your blessings you ungrateful bastard.
Njogu: (Laughs) What chicks? Man I always knew I was drinking in the wrong bar. In my bar, everybody has a scar, or a missing tooth.
Killer: (Cackles) …or both.
Njogu: Hahaha…You know!
Killer: How’z Mr. Kimani, your boss?
Njogu: Yuko tu…
Killer: He seemed like a piece of work, that old man.
Njogu: Did he harass you that day at the hospital?
Killer: No, on the contrary, he was quite the gentleman.
Njogu: Yeah?
Killer: Yeah man, he was very calm about it but he seemed like a shark in the courtroom.
Njogu: Oh, he is brilliant lawyer no doubt…hey daddy, I hope this is not an interview!
Killer: (Sounding hurt) would I do that to you?
Njogu: Yes you would, you almost killed me damn it! (laughs hard)
Killer: (Laughs)
Njogu: You freaking journalist, you
can’t just have a decent conversation with them.
Killer: Anyway, listen I was just callin to see how you holding up, but I’m glad you don’t have nightmares or hear voices in ya head.
Njogu: Hahaha, listen kwanza it’s good you have called, my pals and I are headed to Kitengela on Sato for some nyama plan, you can join us.
Killer: Kitengela? Is this your plan to lure me into Maina Njenga’s digz? You Mungiki sympathizer!
Njogu: (Laughs real hard) Between me and you those folks terrify me. I hear Mungiki I flee; I don’t even finish my beer, and I’m that guy who always finishes his beer!
Killer: Haha, look I’m travelling, leaving town kesho in the cocks…
Njogu: Okay, sawa, si basi you call me when you get back, maybe we can hang out with kina Maina Njenga.
Killer: (lol) Yeah, you know sniff some tobacco and shit…
Njogu: (Laughs) Yeah man….
Killer: Cool. Listen, let’s talk next week then…
Njogu: Sawa sawa, safe trip then cheers.
Click.
(Mumbling to self ) I can’t believe I almost killed that guy. Sigh.